Leprechaun Laffs #69 for 06/01


LL Shamrock Banner Thus Always Laiughter to Liberals

SKD2007HappyHumpDay1

Wow fast week, Wednesday already! Week just got started and its half over. I could get used to this and it just goes to show my ten hour per day four day work week isn’t such a bad concept.

I pretty much talked myself out making Monday’s Memorial day issue so we’re going to keep this short. Thank You to all those who posted or privately sent appreciative comments and to the two former Dragon groupies who offered to bear my children…I’ll see you next weekend in ‘Vegas!

Well that’s about it except to say that someone expressed the opinion that we had been bashing Obama pretty severely lately to which I have to plead guilty. I’d also hasten to point out that if once they were down Obamaites STAYED down, we could have gotten away with half the bashing I did lately. ANYWAY we’re peeing on the parade new Looney Tunes Group today…Global Warming Gore Goons so look for that in today’s Last Word.

NOW LET’S MAKE WITH THE LAUGHTER!

kitchen coffee remodel

A major electronics company, Siemens, is introducing a
tiny necklace cell phone for women.
Have you seen this thing? It’s on a chain – you wear
it around your neck – it hangs down right here to a
woman’s cleavage.
The only problem women have with it; when it rings,
every guy in the room yells, “I’ll get it.”

 

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dl - LL True Tales Impish Banner

For several years, ImpishDragon had been having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided to him that she pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, Impish offered to pay her a large sum of money if she’d go back to Italy and secretly have the child.  Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back when the child was born.  He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to a confused Mrs. Dragon. “Honey,”she said, ‘You received a very strange postcard today. ”Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,’ he said. The wife obeyed and watched as Impish read the card, turn white, and faint.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,Spaghetti,Spaghetti..

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

===

Impish Dragon was asleep in his chair one afternoon when he was awoken by the sound of the doorbell, he shuffled to the door; and when he opened it, he saw a beautiful young woman standing there.

“Oh, dear!” she said. “I’m at the wrong house.”

“Sweetheart, you’re at the right house,” the old Dragon assured her, “but you’re thirty years too late!”
====

Impish and Mrs. Dragon were having a terrible disagreement over a patio
they wanted for their back yard. Mrs. Dragon had rather grand ideas,
while Impish wanted costs kept to a minimum. Mrs. Dragon of course won out,
and the construction bill climbed higher and higher.

I dropped by one day when the patio was nearing completion, and
was surprised to find Impish smiling from ear to ear as the
workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to
see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.

“You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied.
“I just threw all my wife’s credit cards in there.”

It’s my understanding that he’s buried under the water feature, a last minute addition to the patio.

===

Mrs. Dragon recently lost her husband Impish. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. (The fire lasted five days and took the efforts of firefighters from 5 towns to finally bring under control and contain)
Picking up the four urns that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
“You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!”
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
“Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!”
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
“Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!”
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, “Remember that blow job I promised you?”(She began pulling the starting cord of an industrial leaf blower)
“Here it comes.”

Over the Hedge

 
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
“No thank you.” she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”
“That must be rather difficult.” the man replied.
“Oh, I don’t mind too much.” she said. “But, it has my husband pretty upset.”

 

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“George is so forgetful,” the sales manager complained to his secretary. “It’s a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch, and I’m not sure he’ll even remember to come back.”
Just then, the door flew open and in bounced George. “You’ll never guess what happened!” he shouted. “While I was at lunch, I met old man Brown, who hasn’t bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!”
“See,” sighed the sales manager to his secretary, “I told you he’d forget the sandwiches.”

 

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DL Introspection Header

We get comments all the time from the Anally Retentive Nitpickers Guild usually regarding our spelling or grammar mistakes and our general overall lack of proof reading skills. Well listen up (or clean off your glasses or what ever the hell someone who needs to pay closer attention to a blog needs to do) because apparently the problem extends all the way up to the big boys as well!

Proofreading is a Dying Art these days!

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn’t you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

I just couldn’t help but send this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
———————————————————

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that’s taking things a bit far!
———————————————————-

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
—————————————————————
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s! They must be UNION!
——————————————————
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
———————————————————-
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
—————————————————————-
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
———————————————————————–
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
—————————————————————-
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
————————————————————————
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?
———————————————————-
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
———————————————-
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!
———————————————–
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!
—————- ———————————
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is….
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

DL - LastWord 2

Yes todays issue is a wee on the short side. I should be caught up and back up to speed with any luck on Friday.

Today’s Last Word comes courtesy of K-Squared. Now granted I have not had the time to do more than a cursory check on the facts in it but I did not see any glaring inconsistencies when I did. I would also point out that I a  still of the opinion that Recycling and reverting to some Greener Consumer practices is a good idea. What I’m NOT sold on is all this carbon footprint/global warming crap. The following is exactly why.

Okay, here’s the bombshell. The volcanic eruption in Iceland, since its first spewing of volcanic ash has, in just FOUR DAYS, NEGATED EVERY SINGLE EFFORT you have made in the past five years to control CO2 emissions on our planet – all of you.

Of course you know about this evil carbon dioxide that we are trying to suppress – it’s that vital chemical compound that every plant requires to live and grow, and to synthesize into oxygen for us humans, and all animal life.

I know, it’s very disheartening to realize that all of the carbon emission savings you have accomplished while suffering the inconvenience and expense of: driving Prius hybrids, buying fabric grocery bags, sitting up till midnight to finish your kid’s “The Green Revolution” science project, throwing out all of your non-green cleaning supplies, using only two squares of toilet paper, putting a brick in your toilet tank reservoir, selling your SUV and speedboat, vacationing at home instead of abroad, nearly getting hit every day on your bicycle, replacing all of your 50 cents light bulbs with $10.00 light bulbs…well, all of those things you have done have all gone down the tubes in just four days.

The volcanic ash emitted into the Earth’s atmosphere in just four days – yes – FOUR DAYS ONLY by that volcano in Iceland, has totally erased every single effort you have made to reduce the evil beast, carbon. And there are around 200 active volcanoes on the planet spewing out this crud any one time – EVERY DAY.

I don’t really want to rain on your parade too much, but I should mention that when the volcano Mt Pinatubo erupted in the Philippines in 1991, it spewed out more greenhouse gases into the atmosphere than the entire human race had emitted in its entire YEARS on earth. Yes folks, Mt Pinatubo was active for over one year – think about it.

Of course I shouldn’t spoil this touchy-feely tree-hugging moment and mention the effect of solar and cosmic activity and the well-recognized 800-year global heating and cooling cycle, which keep happening, despite our completely insignificant efforts to affect climate change.

And I do wish I had a silver lining to this volcanic ash cloud but the fact of the matter is that the brush fire season across the western USA and Australia this year alone will negate your efforts to reduce carbon in our world for the next two to three years. And it happens every year.

Just remember that your government just tried to impose a whopping new carbon tax on you on the basis of the bogus “human-caused” climate change scenario.

Hey, isn’t it interesting how they don’t mention “Global Warming” any more, but just “Climate Change” – you know why? It’s because the planet has COOLED by 0.7 degrees in the past century and these global warming bull artists got caught with their pants down.

And just keep in mind that you might yet have an Emissions Trading Scheme – that whopping new tax – imposed on you, that will achieve absolutely nothing except make you poorer. It won’t stop any volcanoes from erupting, that’s for sure.

But hey, relax, give the world a hug and have a nice day!

PS: I wonder if Iceland is buying carbon offsets?

http://www.abc.net.au/mediawatch/transcripts/s2889174.htm

http://www.factcheck.org/2010/06/eruption-corruption/

Apparently the jury is still out as to if all this is true or to what extent. My point is that our efforts are a drop in the bucket next to Mother nature and that due to these recent eruptions the global mean temp has actually cooled off 1.3 degrees over the last 2 years.

Man made global warming my tattooed bloody arse!

DL Closing Credits

About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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5 Responses to Leprechaun Laffs #69 for 06/01

  1. Hank Hoeksema says:

    I know, but if you notice the d and the s are right next to each other, on the keyboard, and i am not a very good typist. Never used typing to make a living. You have to take a Dutchman for what he meant not what he said. Now i sound like a Politician.

  2. Dan in NYC says:

    Hey Hank, that’s 40 “lashes” not lashed.

    LOL! Sorry I just couldn’t resist!

  3. Hank Hoeksema says:

    I am sorry, i made a mistake. I thought i was reading Fridays post when i was actually reading the post from Wednesday. I caught my mistake right after making the comment and tried to eliminate it, but evidently i wasn’t successful. As Ann Landers used to say 40 lashed with a wet noodle are due me.

  4. Hank Hoeksema says:

    I have read that entire post before and not to long ago

    • lethalleprechaun says:

      We may occasionally cross a joke or 2 Hank, I suppose its conceivable that we might even cross a Last Word subject. You may even have seen some of the jokes or graphics elsewhere if you belong to several general or humor groups.

      However unless you are from the future and have possession of a time machine there is no way in hell you read that entire issue on this site previous to its posting.

      I put that issue together in about 2 hours shortly before posting it at approximately 10:30 that night.

      If you have seen those in other groups, sorry about that but its going to occasionally happen, I mean where exactly do you think we get our material to publish 6 days a week from? Impish and I get our material from different sources and groups as near as I can tell (except for reader submissions which I notice you can’t be bothered with) and we still occasionally wind up with some of the same material from different sources.

      If you are under the delusion that you are actually Marty McFly, H.G. Wells or Mr. Peabody, please seek psychiatric counseling and/or medical help for your mental health. BTW I really like what you have done with tinfoil in terms of stylish but practical headgear.

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