It’s not flashy, especially colorful or even remotely impressive but hey it makes me feel cooler!
YES! FROZEN DRINKS! ICE IN EVERYTHING! Gazpacho by the gallon please!
Breakfast of the Coffee Gods. and a diabetics death sentence!
OH HELLS YEAH! I have GOT to get me one of these to go with my 12 volt portable drip coffee maker for the Tahoe! Brown Gold on the road!
With Summer Vacation season upon us I found this to be some good reading. These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
“A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.”
“Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.”
“Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.”
“Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.”
“Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.”
“All the mile markers are missing this year.”
“Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.”
“Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.”
“Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.”
“Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.”
“Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.”
“The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.”
“Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.”
“Need more signs to keep area pristine.”
“A McDonald’s would be nice at the trailhead.”
“The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.”
“Too many rocks in the mountains.”
Sex With A Cowboy
Prior to her trip to Texas , Buffy (a blonde New Yorker),
confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State –
1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And.
3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy .
Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.
‘Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite , it’s ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!’
‘And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes… Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!’
They then asked, ‘Well tell us , did you have sex with a real cowboy?’
‘Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!’
Hmm… appears to be about an Irish size medium.
It was delivered with a complementary quart of “pork” lo mein.
Reality show stops filming in Texas at 110 degrees
Associated Press Aug. 3, 2011, 3:41PM
Read more: http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/bizarre/7682096.html#ixzz1UYjWytrK
MINERAL WELLS — Even watermelons at a produce stand aren’t luring folks from their air-conditioned cars in one Texas town amid one of the state’s hottest summers.
Minerals Wells residents on Wednesday were staying indoors as temperatures soared to 110 degrees.
Outdoor antique shops in Mineral Wells were nearly deserted too, and nearby Possum Kingdom Lake had few boaters and fishermen. A reality TV show for the A&E network about Texans who hunt feral hogs had to suspend filming.
Apparently one of the less known Laws of Reality: Reality is suspended above 110 heat index.
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that
both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
“How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers.
“It’s hereditary, sir,” the older one replied.
“I see,” said the doctor, writing in his file. “Your father’s the
reason for your elongated penises?”
“No sir, our mother.”
“Your mother? You idiot, women don’t have penises!”
“I know, sir,” replied the recruit, “but she only had one arm,
and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to
manage as best she could.”
This fellow comes to confession. “Father Murphy, he said, forgive me for I have sinned.”
The priest asked, “What did you do, my son?”
“I lusted,” the fellow replied.
“Tell me about it laddy,” the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. “Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long red hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in.”
“And, what did you do, my son?” asked the priest.
“Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted,” replied the man.
“Your sin has been forgiven,” replied the priest. “You will get your reward in heaven, my son.”
“A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?” the fellow asked.
The priest replied, “I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, ya bloody jackass.”
This guy and his girlfriend lived in Austin and they decided to go and see the northern lights. They figured that they would just drive north on I-35 until they got to the end and that should do it. So, they set out on their trip and they’re both very excited. They are so excited that it is all they can talk about.
Well, after a couple of days they get to the end of I-35 just south of the Canadian border. They find a nice field to park in and the entire sky is lit up with the beautiful northern lights. The guy, who’s been driving, leaps out of the car at the wonder of it all; he’s jumping up and down like a little kid.
Meanwhile, his girlfriend is still sitting in the car and reading a magazine. He can’t believe it! So he says, “What’s the matter? Does the aurora bore ya, Alice?”
Man shoots self in genitals while holstering gun in pants
Associated Press Aug. 9, 2011, 10:31AM
Read more: http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/bizarre/7689846.html#ixzz1UYqcEy2y
CHANDLER, Ariz. — A suburban Phoenix man is recovering after police say he accidentally shot himself in the penis while putting his girlfriend’s gun in the waistband of his pants.
Chandler police say 27-year-old Joshua Seto and his fiancée, Cara Christopher, were walking toward a grocery store when the shooting happened last week. The gun fired, striking Seto’s penis and continuing through his left thigh.
The Arizona Republic reports a 911 operator told Christopher to apply direct pressure to the wound with a dry towel or T-shirt.
Chandler Police Detective Seth Tyler was unsure of the type of gun, or whether it had a safety that was off. He also says it’s unclear if Seto has been released from the hospital or suffered any permanent damage
In the wake of the shooting, Tyler warned residents to use holsters, not waistbands, if they’re going to carry a handgun.
The moral? Darwin was at least partially right. He got the Natural Selection Weeding Out The Inferior and Brain Dead part right!
Not fond of that one? How about Mother nature is a real bitch when it comes to chlorination of the gene pool?
STILL unhappy? ok try this last moral then: If you are dumb enough to put a fully cocked but (apparently) not locked pistol in the front of your pants sans holster sooner or later you WILL go off half cocked.
Graciemj took a pretty hard whack at us guys yesterday and you shade tree mechanics in particular so it falls to me to defend you beer swilling backyard mechanic Bubba’s honor.
Molly a.k.a. Mrs. Leprechaun was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
She took out her wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, ‘If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?’
‘No, I had to stop drinking years ago’, the homeless woman told her.
‘Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?’ she asked.
‘No, I don’t waste time shopping,’ the homeless woman said. ‘I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.’
‘Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?’ she asked.
‘Are you NUTS!’ replied the homeless woman. I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!’
‘Well, she said, ‘I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.’
The homeless Woman was shocked. ‘Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting…’
Molly said, ‘That’s okay. It’s important for Lethal to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.’
Irish Medical Dictionary
The Irish have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously …
Medical Term Irish Definition
Artery – The study of paintings
Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria
Barium – What doctors do when patients die
Benign – What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section – A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan – Searching for Kitty
Cauterize – Made eye contact with her
Colic – A sheep dog
Coma – A punctuation mark
Dilate – To live long
Enema – Not a friend
Fester – Quicker than someone else
Fibula – A small lie
Impotent – Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain – Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff – A Doctor’s cane
Morbid – A higher offer
Nitrates – Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Node – I knew it
Outpatient – A person who has fainted
Pelvis – Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative – A letter carrier
Recovery Room – Place to do upholstery
Rectum – Nearly killed him
Secretion – Hiding something
Seizure – Roman Emperor
Tablet – A small table
Terminal Illness – Getting sick at the airport
Tumour – One plus one more
Urine – Opposite of you’re out
