Good Morning Campers! Welcome to Tuesday. I know that is a bit of a problem for a lot of you who are still recovering from your Memorial Day Celebrations, but do your best to pay attention here. Grab your coffee, sit up straight, put your feet flat on the ground and you’ll feel much better. Those of you who can’t yet find the ground, do the best you can. Get your buddies to give you a hand.
What a fantabulous Memorial Day issue that Lethal put together for us yesterday. I know he said it was a collaboration betwixt the two of us, but in honesty, he did most of the work, I had just wee bit here and there. My hats off to you my friend…. if I wore a hat…
okay, let’s start again….
Everyone raise their coffee in a toast to Lethal Leprechaun for the fine Memorial Day issue he was responsible for.
Yes, those on the opposite side of the globe may raise something other than coffee.
Yes, England and surrounding countries, morning tea is an acceptable substitute for coffee…
Yes, Russia, Poland, and the rest, vodka is indeed a wonderful substitute …..
My Great-Aunt-Betty’s-Knees! Raise whatever you want people!
Sheesh! Yeah, it’s time to…..
Okay, so I saw this and I thought, hey…. way cool. What a great way of helping out those hurt in a disaster. They get their own little private living space.
Much different than the traditional shelter in the U.S. and elsewhere
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said, “If you release me, I will give you three wishes. There is only one catch…whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”
The woman said, “That’s okay.”
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to”.
The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.”
The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife …
Moral of the story: Women are not really smart, they just think they are.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
Editors Note: The imprecation used earlier (“My Great-Aunt-Betty’s-Knees”) is an expletive that has been used in the dragon world for centuries. For those word-smiths out there, the word has it’s origins in an unexpected place: in my real Great Aunt Betty. She has the ugliest, gnarliest, most twisted and deformed looking knees in the 27 realms. She told us once that she had been cursed by a witch.
The story goes, if you believe in such things, that she was in her human form and was seducing a man who turned out to be the mate of a witch. She (the witch) walked in on them in the midst of the final-crescendo, as it were, and found my Great Aunt Betty with her legs locked around her man. So as to never be able to do such a thing again, the witch cursed her which turned her legs around backwards in her human form…her knees were on the back of her legs instead of the front. She was unable to defend herself at the time because her natural immunity to magic was degraded because she was in human rather than dragon form and also because she was just a tad distracted what with attempting to achieve the crescendo in harmony with the man. When she turns back into her dragon form, it gives her these incredibly ugly knees!
What happened to the witch? Well, Aunt Betty says that she ate her, and then finished off with the man, even with the bad knees, but I’m pretty sure that Aunt Betty was so sickened by what happened that the witch is still living quietly in her little hut, with her husband sitting nicely on the fireplace mantel in the form of a small plaster gnome with no penis.
Here’s a story that will bring a tear to your eye
Camp Pendleton Marine Reunited With Afghan Puppy
A community of more than 8,000 animal lovers chip in to bring a puppy called Nolay from Afghanistan to Camp Pendleton.
She comforted him and his Marines while they served in Afghanistan, and now the Afghan dog Nolay is in her “furever” home with her permanent owner, Master Sgt. Joshua Roth of the 1st Maintenance Battalion, Engineer Maintenance Company.
Nolay arrived late Sunday night at San Diego International Airport.
“She was a puppy when we got her,” said Roth. “Came to us while we were out at Forward Operating Base up in the Sangin District [of Afghanistan]. The FOB’s name was Nolay. A couple Marines that were out on post one night, around the time that I got there in January, saw a group of kids during the day, out getting all rambunctious and screaming and yelling and they [the Marines] heard the dog whimpering noises. One of the Marines went down where the kids were and and saw that they were roughhousing, abusing, whatever, treating these dogs really rough.”
He looked back at his fellow Marine who he was on post with, gave him a nod and picked up the two dogs and took them to their base, Roth said.
“Before I left FOB Nolay and went back to the main base, I got online and was just looking for any information as I could to try and find some assistance,” said Roth. “I found some names and email addresses and I sent off some emails, and I got some replies that linked me to some folks in Kabul that run a shelter there. The place was called Tigger House.”
Through Tigger House, Roth was able to connect to the Puppy Rescue Mission’s Facebook Page. Their mission is to help service members from all branches reunite with their adopted Afghanistan animals.
“They find a companion like Nolay [in forward operating bases], and help them get them back … and give to them a lot of what they gave to us,” he said.
Donors helped raise some $3,700 for Nolay’s trip through the Web payment service Paypal.
Many of the donors on Puppy Rescue Mission’s page are former military and have sons and daughters who are active duty military personnel, said Roth. They understand the value of that kind of relationship between a person and an animal.
WARNING: Okay, so look….by law, we are required to offer you this warning: if you are offended by the naked female form, take issue with the discussion and joking of sex in general, or are just prudish in nature, I have two points to discuss. #1- please feel free to stop reading the e-zine at this point, else ‘tis possible you will be offended here shortly and #2- What the hell are you doing reading Dragon Laffs anyway?
We were all having a good laugh about this when someone tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Excuse me mate, but I don’t find that funny. My brother was epileptic and he died in the bath during a fit.”
I said, “I’m ever so sorry mate, did he drown?”
“No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
“If you were a gentleman you’d lift your hat.”
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
“If you were better looking it would lift itself.”
This one is just plain bloody awful! My deepest apologies….if you want to throw rocks, throw them at Stephanie.
Then the ghoul fell in love with a little devil, who turned out to be a loving and generous sweetheart. The little devil showered the girl ghoul with bright flowers, high-fashion clothes, and expensive jewelry. This just goes to prove that demons are a ghoul’s best fiend.
This guy is great! Profound thinker and great orator. Thanks to the Maytag Man in Israel for sending this in:
Incredibly profound view of the Islamic way of thinking, with particular emphasis on women.
If you haven’t seen this guy before, you’ve missed an extraordinarily erudite speaker who was a comedian before he found his niche. He is serious when he is funny and he is funny when he is serious. And, boy, does he make sense. This is his latest, and I think the first of 2011.
Here’s a cool site, sent in by Lynn, Games… on the History Channel
Entering a classroom at MCAS Yuma, a female Marine Captain encountered a clearly apathetic audience.
She was selected to provide a full hour’s instruction on Iraqi electronic warfare capabilities to 150 Marine aviators who showed by their body language deep skepticism about her ability to teach war fighting skills to an all-male class.
She began by noting that her voice had just been tested to see if it was suitable for some new cockpit recorder messages for Marine aircraft. She said that unfortunately she had not been selected to be the new “Bitching Betty.” However, she said it was only fair to warn the audience the reason given for her non-selection was that an analysis of her voice pattern revealed that her particular voice had a tendency to lull to sleep any male homosexual within earshot.
The assembled officers shot upright in their chairs. 150 pairs of eyes were wide open and locked on her and stayed that way for the rest of the period.
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell………and for damn sure Don’t Sleep.
Okay, this is a GREAT story. Watch this one in Russian first, where the poor lady newscaster can’t stop laughing for thinking about the mental picture the story presents…
And then watch the one that follows, which is basically the same story, covered by American news…without most of the laughter
Here’s a neat little story from the Old Country Boy’s brother (now isn’t that a heck of a moniker). I’m not sure if it’s true….as a matter of fact, it probably isn’t, but… it’s a GREAT story and it probably is true somewhere. At least it wouldn’t surprise me if it was.
On my way home, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my wallet is a $50bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset with me.
DAN: “Hi, I’d like one seven layer burrito please, to go.”
TACO BELL EMPLOYEE (T B E): “Is that it?”
T B E: “That’ll be $1.04, eat here?”
ME: “No, it’s to go.”
At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and IT: “Uh, hang on a sec, I’ll be right back.”
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them. IT: “Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?”
MGR: “No. A what?”
T B E: “A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.”
MGR: “Ask for something else, THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL.”
T B E: “Yeah, thought so.”
He comes back to me and says IT: “We don’t take these. Do you have anything else?”
ME: “Just this fifty. You don’t take $2 bills? Why?”
T B E: “I don’t know.”
ME: “See here where it says legal tender?”
T B E: “Yeah.”
ME: “So, shouldn’t you take it?”
T B E: “Well, hang on a sec.”
He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I’m going to shoplift.
T B E: “He says I have to take it.”
MGR: “Doesn’t he have anything else?”
T B E: “Yeah, a fifty. I’ll get it and you can open the safe and get change.”
MGR: “I’M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE.”
T B E: “What should I do?”
MGR: “Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money.”
T B E: “I can’t tell him that, you tell him.”
MGR: “Just tell him.”
T B E: “No way, this is weird, I’m going in back.”
The manager approaches me and says “Sorry, we don’t take big bills this time of night.” [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.]
ME: “Well, here’s a two.”
MGR: “We don’t take those either.”
ME: “Why the hell not?”
MGR: “I think you know why.”
ME: “No really, tell me, why?”
MGR: “Please leave before I call mall security.”
ME: “Excuse me?”
MGR: “Please leave before I call mall security.”
ME: “What the hell for?”
MGR: “Please, sir.”
ME: “Uh, go ahead, call them.”
MGR: “Would you please just leave?”
MGR: “Fine, have it your way then.”
At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper] SG: “Yeah, Mike, what’s up?”
MGR: “This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money.”
SG: “Really? What?”
MGR: “Get this, a two dollar bill.”
SG: “Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?” [incredulous]
MGR: “I don’t know? He’s kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty.”
SG: “So, the fifty’s fake?”
MGR: “NO, the $2 is.”
SG: “Why would he fake a $2 bill?”
MGR: “I don’t know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?”
Security guard walks over to me and says SG: “Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you’re trying to use.”
ME: “Uh, no.”
SG: “Lemme see ’em.”
SG: “Do you want me to get the cops in here?”
At this point I was ready to say, “SURE, PLEASE,” but I wanted to eat, so I said ME: “I’m just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill.”
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says SG: “Mike, what’s wrong with this bill?”
MGR: “It’s fake.”
SG: “It doesn’t look fake to me.”
MGR: “But it’s a $2 bill.”
MGR: “Well, there’s no such thing, is there?”
The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.
My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food.
What in heck did you think I was talking about,
Today’s Last Word comes in the form of a Public Service Announcement. Jerry has asked us to try and identify someone. He’s really bothered by it, enough so to send out several pictures. Well, he explains it best. Here’s his email:
Think waaaaay back on this one…
Guess who this is?
I don’t know either !!!
Send it to your friends….maybe they know who she is….
It’s got me Stumped!
Sorry Jerry, it’s got me stumped and I studied the pictures in great detail, as did Lethal and some of the other members of the staff. We’ll keep looking and I’m sure the other campers will, too!