Leprechaun Laffs #70 for Thursday 06/02


LL All Blarney No Baloney

Yup you’re reading right folks ‘tis the Lethal Leprechaun with you this morning nary a Dragon the likes o’ ta be had anyplace.

‘But Lethal’ you cry, ‘WHY is this?’

Let me just say that today proves a couple clichéd adages to me:

  • No good deed goes unpunished.
  • There is no rest for the wicked (apparently unless they are a government employed Dragon)
  • The reward for a job well done is more work.

Allow me to explain.

  1. I offered to take on the bulk of the work for the Memorial Day issue since Impish had been sleeping and feeling poorly >>> good deed
  2. I mentioned being all blogged out and creatively whipped after the oversized Memorial day issue in Wednesday’s post and looking forward to a day off, yet here I am>>>no rest for the wicked
  3. Impish (among other excuses and tactics) tried to feed me the really cheap domestic bologna about how I did such a fantastic job on the Memorial Day issue that I should have absolutely no problem covering for him today. >>> reward for a job well done is more work

Mixed in with all the above in a phone call which caught me trying to sleep off the beginning of a nasty migraine was a run-on bunch of excuses about excessive paper work & red tape,12 hour days in preparation for another of his bases inspections by (my words folks)some twit that would not know what the hell they were inspecting if someone tattooed a check list on their asses then he topped it all off by some BS about needing time for some Dragon fantasy called a “family”.

Hence my unsmiling face and non sunny disposition. Truly he doesn’t deserve as dedicated and supportive a partner such as myself, just ask me and I’ll tell you so.

Now Let’s Try To Laugh

Coffee Dragon

Gratuitous Whiney Dragon Picture

After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs, she was excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or fast-forward tapes or move the needle on her record player.
Knowing she was not that technically astute, I called her a few days later to see how she was managing. “Fine. I listened to Shania Twain this morning,” she said.
“The whole CD?” I asked.
“No,” she replied, “just one side.”

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Why Email is Like a Penis

Some folks have it, some don’t. Those who have it would
be devastated if it were ever cut off.
They think that those who don’t have it are somehow
inferior. They think it gives them power.
They are wrong. Those who don’t have it may agree that
it’s a nifty toy, but think it’s not worth the fuss
that those who do have it make about it. Still, many
of those who don’t have it would like to try it.
It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but
it makes it hard to get any real work done.
In the long distant past, its only purpose was to transmit
information considered vital to the survival of the
species. Some people still think that’s the only thing
it should be used for, but most folks today use it for
fun most of the time.
Once you’ve started playing with it, it’s hard to stop.
Some people would just play with it all day if they
didn’t have work to do.
It provides a way to interact with other people. Some
people take this interaction very seriously, others
treat it as a lark. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what
kind of person you’re dealing with until it’s too late.
If you don’t apply the appropriate protective measures,
it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead it uses yours. If
you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and
more difficult to think coherently.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than
its actual size and influence warrant.
If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get
you in big trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your
intentions, it will warp your behavior.
Later you may ask yourself, “Why on earth did I do that?”
It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own
devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it
did before.

Remember this is Impish’s issue even though I got stuck doing it so if you don’t like the jokes blame and complain to him please!

 

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Heard today on the news that a woman ran out of the church in the middle of her own wedding. No one heard her say anything. She just threw off her headdress and ran out the side door with a very determined expression on her face. Members of the wedding party spent the rest of the afternoon and much of the evening searching for the woman, who was still believed to be wearing her bride’s dress, but without avail.

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Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street. “Hey, Antonio,” said Luigi. “Where you been for the past two weeks? No one seen you around.”
“Donna talka to me, Luigi,” replied Antonio. “I been inna da jail.”
“Jail!” exclaimed Luigi. “What for you been in jail?”
“Wella, Luigi,” Antonio said, “I was lying onna da beach, and the cops come, arresta me and throw me inna jail.”
“But dey donna throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!” Luigi countered.
“Yeah, but dissa beach was ascreamin’ and akickin’ and ayellin’.”

DL Introspection Header

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This come to us from our Israeli connection Lynn:

Scientists must have gone to a lot of trouble to work this one out.

How to stop wives from smoking.

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Now as I wrote back and explained to Lynn:

Those are not to get your wife to stop sucking on cigarettes.  Those are to get her accustom to sucking on something entirely different.  The most difficult part of the swap out is convincing her NOT to use her lighter!

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PONDERISMS

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
2. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
3. OK… So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the ‘Jags’ and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the ‘Bucs,’ what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
10. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, dry cleaners depressed and prostitutes delayed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
14. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me…they’re cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*
18. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells… ‘THEIRS’?

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I have a last thought today before the last word: Never trust a Dragon and tell him you’re drugged and sleeping when he wakes you up. He cannot help but tell you sob stories and take advantage of you, it’s his  saurian nature.

Now on to the Last Word.

This was sent to me by that friend who so obviously fits in well here but refuses to subscribe. I received it this morning for which I am thankful because has I gotten this in time for Memorial Day it would have either made an already lengthy issue that much longer or caused me to agonize for choice of Last Words.

A Soldier Died Today

He was getting old and paunchy and his hair was falling fast,
And he sat around the Legion, telling stories of the past.
Of a war that he had fought in and the deeds that he had done,
In his exploits with his buddies; they were heroes, every one.

And tho’ sometimes, to his neighbors, his tales became a joke,
All his Legion buddies listened, for they knew whereof he spoke.
But we’ll hear his tales no longer for old Bill has passed away,
And the world’s a little poorer, for a soldier died today.

He will not be mourned by many, just his children and his wife,
For he lived an ordinary and quite uneventful life.
Held a job and raised a family, quietly going his own way,
And the world won’t note his passing, though a soldier died today.

When politicians leave this earth, their bodies lie in state,
While thousands note their passing and proclaim that they were great.
Papers tell their whole life stories, from the time that they were young,
But the passing of a soldier goes unnoticed and unsung.

Is the greatest contribution to the welfare of our land
A guy who breaks his promises and cons his fellow man?
Or the ordinary fellow who, in times of war and strife,
Goes off to serve his Country and offers up his life?

A politician’s stipend and the style in which he lives
Are sometimes disproportionate to the service that he gives.
While the ordinary soldier, who offered up his all,
Is paid off with a medal and perhaps, a pension small.

It’s so easy to forget them for it was so long ago,
That the old Bills of our Country went to battle, but we know
It was not the politicians, with their compromise and ploys,
Who won for us the freedom that our Country now enjoys.

Should you find yourself in danger, with your enemies at hand,
Would you want a politician with his ever-shifting stand?
Or would you prefer a soldier, who has sworn to defend
His home, his kin and Country and would fight until the end?

He was just a common soldier and his ranks are growing thin,
But his presence should remind us we may need his like again.
For when countries are in conflict, then we find the soldier’s part
Is to clean up all the troubles that the politicians start.

If we cannot do him honor while he’s here to hear the praise,
Then at least let’s give him homage at the ending of his days.
Perhaps just a simple headline in a paper that would say,
Our Country is in mourning, for a soldier died today.

DL Closing Credits

About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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2 Responses to Leprechaun Laffs #70 for Thursday 06/02

  1. impishdragon says:

    OUCH!
    Oh man!
    Those damn boots you wear are steel shod!

    LOL.
    Thanks for covering for me my friend….even if it’s going to cost me dearly in the end.

    • lethalleprechaun says:

      Steel shod, steel toed steel shanked, with a layer each of Kevlar and Gore-Tex sport and in 13 EEEEE. I’d haste to pint out that I used the ones w/o the steel pointed fronts or spurs on you because you’re my (alleged) partner

      Not to worry pal, I got your back even if I grumble about having to cover such a broad area constantly.
      I take installment payments too…and an occasional first born child of exceptional talent or beauty.

      Besides I know you and you’re already planning a retaliatory commentary strike on me!

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