A much relieved Lethal Leprechaun here folks!

I’m ecstatically elated to report that Impish Dragon (as one of our apparently less grounded in reality readers put it)

“our loveable, handsome, adorable, stud muffin dragon”

has retuned once more to us under his own power ( free to exercise) will! Apparently my inspired last ditch desperate ploy was successful in getting in riled up and motivated to free himself from his temporary prison and to return to the realm of billable hours!

Lets jump right into our all expenses spared ( wadda ya expect? the economy is bad, we’re on a shoe string budget here and nobody buys none of our damned coffee cups) recreation of the events of earlier:

SO there I was sitting at my desk dejectedly staring at all the reams of reports and dead ends. Three things had become crystal clear to me;

1.) whom ever and taken Impish had him off dimension in a place that was inaccessible to me and my sources, which probably meant he had done something monumentally stupid which had come to the attention of some one or thing WAY farther up the ladder than even my reach could reach out to.

2.) Whom/What ever it was, ALL the information brokers, snitches weasels and lowdown guttersnipes were far more scared of it than they were of me or anything I could possibly threaten them with. Given some of the threats I had made or that were made in my name that was pretty impressive and pretty scary as it related to Impish

3.) Apparently my Motivate Impish Into Escaping On The Fly Dream Seminar had been a complete bust.

Just as I was about to clear all the information off my desk and pull out my Memorial for Impish Edition to dust it off a warning Klaxon sounded.

“INBOUND FAST MOVER BOGEY ON SCREEN!  – FAST MOVER BOGEY ON SCREEN!

DIRECT VECTOR FOR DRAGON LANDING PAD – THIS IS NOT A DRILL!”

I immediately ordered the freight elevator raised to the Dragon Landing Pad, the Cafeteria cleared of all personnel and extra dessert carts deployed as I ran for the Executive elevator…my biggest billable hours client, easiest mark and bestest pal was back!

Before the elevator doors opened I could already hear Impish

impishdragon: NO MORE PIE??! YOU’RE DAMNED RIGHT ITS NATIONAL PIE DAY! 52 KINDS OF PIE – ALL YOU CAN EAT WHERE IS IT?

LethalLeprechaun: Impish you’re back! Your safe! My motivate you to escape plan worked!

impishdragon: LETHAL! YOU said there would be PIE! WHERE is my pie? I plan on eating an entire one of each kind while the cooks make me a 53rd kind of pie, a TROLL pie! I want my pie NOW! Then I want Terrance !

LethalLeprechaun: Relax sport… there’s pie, lots of pie, its just not here. How about some of my coffee and I’ll explain? You must be coffee jonesing by now too.

impishdragon: THERES NO PIE HERE?!! <Impish pauses to glug with caffeine addicted Draconian glee from his personal coffee mug> Where are my pies and where is Terrance?

LethalLeprechaun: Grab your coffee, waddle over to transport with me and I’ll explain, I’ve got a couple pies stashed special for you.

impishdragon: Where are we going? This BETTER end in 52 kinds of pie Lethal! You said I was going to have pie! 

LethalLeprechaun: We’re going to your executive transport vehicle, which is going to my private jet, and YES there is pie at the end of this rainbow me Lucky Charm.

impishdragon@ymail.com: I’m going some where?  But I just got here and there’s Terrance to deal with! Where? The Hooters shoot?

LethalLeprechaun: Speaking of just getting here, unless my timeline is way off, you escaped Saturday night from someplace not in this realm. What took you so long to get back after you cut the dream? You smelled food didn’t you!

impishdragon@ymail.com: Accidently followed the scent of an Entenmann’s truck. Shut up Lethal before I order Leprechaun pie too.  My blood sugar is low, I’m hungry, cranky and I don’t have any pie yet.

LethalLeprechaun: Dude relax! I understand totally, They DO have those really great donuts with the crumb cake topping on them and the confectioners sugar dusting.

impishdragon@ymail.com: Yup. And the best coffee cake EVER.

LethalLeprechaun: Still, how long does it take you to eat the contents of a single Entenmann’s Panel truck, boxes and all? Dainty and well mannered when driven by hunger you’re not.

impishdragon@ymail.com: It wasn’t a mere Panel side it was a semi FULL of kinds of yummy Entenmanns stuff. I didn’t want to insult them by not eating some of everything then I couldn’t remember what I had and had not eaten so I just decided to eat it all.

LethalLeprechaun: An Entenmann’s SEMI? WHERE did you come back to on this side from where ever it was you were?

impishdragon@ymail.com: Ummm…New Jersey

LethalLeprechaun: OH NO! DON’T tell me…

impishdragon@ymail.com: Yeah… I-95… just outside of Trenton. I think I might have been in…

LethalLeprechaun: BLOODY HELL! Come on! Waddle your tail into that transport faster! We got to get you to the plane really fast. It’s even worse than I thought! She’s GOT to know where you’d come when you escaped.

[Now rumbling down the road at a rapid clip while Impish makes extremely short work of two dozen pies – box, tinfoil pie pan and all.  Alternating pies with slurps from his 2.5 gallon coffee mug, Lethal continues.]

LethalLeprechaun: You realize how bad this is, even by YOUR standards of getting in trouble? This is going to cost you…A WHOLE BLOODY LOT!

impishdragon@ymail.com: I know trust me, this looks pretty bad, but what about Terrance? I WANT Terrance’s butt…in a pie…for starters and besides, what do you do for me that doesn’t cost me?

LethalLeprechaun: Now that just plain hurts me! Cuts me deep it does! And here the pies are on me totally free, as is the plane ride and hiding you…though if someone goes looking for you you’re responsible for the damages I might warn you. Worried sick about you I’ve been too and sparing you no expense in trying to find you I might add too!

Now then about what I said when we were sharing that dream, thanks for the need to bleach my brain by the way! A little clarification might be in order;

FIRST of all Terrance regenerates and that would give you serious digestion problems so Troll pie is out of the question.

Second Terrance didn’t do any of those things I said, well except to publish your post in your name and explain why he was doing it and you haven’t been asked to return as a judge for the Crisco Pie Bakeoff. They still haven’t settled all the lawsuits from the last time 4 years ago.

impishdragon@ymail.com: Oh…but you said….WAIT A MINUTE!…You LIED TO ME? YOU SLIMY LITTLE LYING LAWYER LEPRECHAUN! <reaching for Lethal>

LethalLeprechaun: NO! WAIT! LISTEN TO ME! I took a desperate last ditch gamble to save you and motivated you via the most direct route to you brain and ego…your already rumbling stomach because it was obvious someone pretty powerful had you and I wasn’t going to find you and rescue you any other way. It might not have been very nice but it was all that I had left that I could think of pal and it worked didn’t it? You’re back here now, more or less safe…ok so probably less but you’re free.

impishdragon@ymail.com: OH! Well…I guess that’s different isn’t it then?  One of those times you have to do something mean or bad but for good reasons? Wait!….Were you lying about the Hooters girls and the all I could eat hot wings too then? I clearly remember that WAS on my schedule!

LethalLeprechaun: Nope that’s still on… I’ll just have to pay to have the shoot moved to an undisclosed location.

impishdragon@ymail.com: OK…. good then. Maybe I don’t have to eat Leprechaun pie after all. You’d probably upset my stomach more than Terrance and I can’t eat pie and hot wings or play with the Hooters girls with an upset stomach.

LethalLeprechaun: Good point, glad to hear it… now will you PLEASE get on the sodding plane and get the bloody hell away from here before you’re found and taken again? Go have your pie and I’ll talk to you in a day or two once I get a handle on why…

impishdragon: DON’T SAY HER NAME!

LethalLeprechaun: Wasn’t going to. I’ll talk to you once I know why she grabbed you up.

impishdragon: Lethal? Where are the stairs and why is the tail ramp on your new plane down?

LethalLeprechaun: Because you’re flying cargo sport…The passenger compartment still has that new plane smell and you remember what I said about that right? Besides you’re a messy pie eater, hell your a messy eater period and it’s too new to have food stains all over everything.

impishdragon:  (whining petulantly) I WANNA RIDE IN THE LUXURY PART!!!!!

LethalLeprechaun: ([muttering under his breath] St Patrick boyo give me the bloody strength and patience to deal with Dragons who act like 3 year olds and and are about to get us both fecking well killed for it….and if you could please HURRY!) Ok, but the pies are in the cargo hold and they’ll take too long to transfer so you’ll have to wait until you land and by then they might be spoiled….

impishdragon: They are? Never mind! I gotta go Lethal I can smell the pies!

Lethal watches as Impish waddles swiftly aboard the cargo hold of Shamrock One and departs safely. Then pulls out a cell phone and dials.

LethalLeprechaun: “Yeah its Lethal. Are the partners all there? ALL of them? Good. Conference them in on this line right away, I don’t care who they are with or what they are doing to an intern or temp in the file room, this takes priority….Everyone on here? I only want to risk saying this over a phone one time. Ok pay attention then or take notes but don’t make direct reference to any of this electronically.

It worked he’s back, but we got more problems and BIGGER problems now. I was right, he was on the other side someplace and now I know where and I know who. He came back out on this side in Jersey, I-95 corridor….yeah just outside of where you’re hoping I ‘m not going to say he did.

That was exactly my reaction too… I don’t care. This is Impish we’re talking about, we’ve made a ton of money off his billable hours and we’re going to make even more off this and off his future billable hours. On top of that I’m NOT going to lose a case in her court a second time. I don’t care what it takes, I don’t care if it takes everything, NOBODY beats me twice at anything EVER.  I’ve a bloody fearsome and impressive reputation to protect and I’ll be buggered if the likes o’ herself is going to soil it with her packed courts.

Get busy on this finding out what ever you can and researching any and all precedents. I lost me temper in her court last time and really insulted her, pissed her off good and proper I managed to escape from being held in contempt of her court, so I’m going to need some sort of safe passage and protection loophole too.

I’ll be in touch, I have to go coax Terrance out of hiding, make amends for using him like I did and convenience him he’s no longer destined to be a pie filling.

Oh yeah one last thing…find out why the hell we can’t get Entenmann’s full product line here in Texas and if we can somehow turn that oversight into a profitable one for us.”

Love to stay and chat folks but I’ve a friend and revenue source to protect and keep out of hot water. Until Wednesday!

Oh…and Ginny? I’ll be sending ya me dry cleaning bill for that “stud muffin dragon” line along with a list of mental health specialists.

LETHAL HERE FOLKS!

HE’S ALIVE! HE’S BLOODY WELL ALIVE! I SORT OF TALKED TO IMPISH!!

Ahem! Ok please excuse that outburst and my breaking into your Sunday but I was momentarily overcome with relief and joy over not having lost one of my larger sources of revenue… I MEAN over not having lost my dear friend!

Let me quickly explain what happened. It was late last evening I was at my desk pouring over all the reports and data generated by Task Force Find Impish looking for anything we might have missed or any possible fresh angle. While doing so I was absently rubbing a good luck token I carry with me, which is the first piece of gold I ever conned Impish out of… I MEAN EARNED FROM HIM.

Exhausted and with eyes burning I took me specs off just to rest me poor burning and blood shot (from weeping while reading all the bloody reports) eyes a minute and I must have fallen asleep on me desk with my head on the gold token.

So there I was, asleep I was at me desk and I started to dream, as I did the door to Impish’s office bedecked in cards, post a note well wishes and creditors claims on his estate slammed open as if he was there and a voices\ from with in the darkened office called out to me:

impishdragon: Oh hey dude? You want one of these mushrooms?

LethalLeprechaun: “BEGORRAH!” said I, “’tis the shade o’ Impish back already from his grave where ever it might be ta haunt me and all because I inventoried & appraised his stuff I’ll wager too! be gone spirit of me departed friend ’tis no business you have upon the mortal world any longer! Well did I pay old scratch hisself ta keep the likes o’ ya away from me in death!”

impishdragon: “Woah, I need to sit down. What are you doing here? Did you get captured, too?
And who are you talking to?”

LethalLeprechaun: “Wut’s this now? Even in death you’re bloody daft? Aww a cruel twist o’ fate that is Impish!”

impishdragon@ymail.com: “Death? Who died? Are you dead?”

LethalLeprechaun: “I’m not captured I’m in me office apparently being tormented for me sins against ya”

impishdragon: “Woah, these really ARE some awesome mushrooms”

LethalLeprechaun: “WHAT??! MUSHROOMS? As in MAGIC mushrooms?”

impishdragon: “I guess, dude these are REALLY good… So, what are you doing in my cavern?”

LethalLeprechaun: “There’s no Magic mushrooms for residents of hell…no food either. IMPISH YOU’RE ALIVE? Where are you laddie ? ‘Tis a rescue team most terrible I have waiting to rescue you.”

impishdragon: “Hey, I’m right here? Oh dude….you know what? We’re talking to each other!”

LethalLeprechaun: “Impish TRY ta think man! We can nae locate you.. all your trackers are dead and we’ve run into a bloody wall! you have to help us. Give us a clue. give us something to work with man!”

impishdragon: How can I fit in your little head?

LethalLeprechaun: (muttering to meself “Ugh! The only thing worse then a daft dragon is a tripping daft one!”) “Because your brain is so tiny and worm eaten it takes up no space at all, now out with it man where are they holding you?”

impishdragon: So….only my brain is in your head? How did my brain get out of my body? Look. I can see myself

LethalLeprechaun: You’re dreaming Impish – a magic mushroom powered dream a part of you must be invested in this gold piece I have and you made contact

impishdragon: Ohhhh! I see! Yeah, these mushrooms are damn good. All they kept giving me was bugs. Found these mushrooms in a corner.

LethalLeprechaun: We got your message in the bottle, but we can’t find you. Help us find you or I’m afraid you’ll start missing out on really important things.. .Like National Pie Eating Day.

impishdragon: So….. can you come get me? National Pie Eating Day? I like pie!

LethalLeprechaun: I don’t know where you are my friend, I can’t find you. Yes National Pie Eating Day is Monday remember? I had a surprise for you planned. I know how much you like pie. Fifty-two kinds of pies, all your favorites, all you could eat in the cafeteria.

impishdragon: All I can eat pie? I like pie. I can eat a lot of pie!

LethalLeprechaun: now I guess I’ll just have to give them all away…

impishdragon: Give them away? NO Lethal! PLEASE don’t give my pie away..

LethalLeprechaun: and cancel your appearance at the Hooter Girls Bikini Calendar shoot I’m afraid you’re going to miss out on all the free hot wings and those Hooters girls posing all over you in those tiny bikinis too.

impishdragon: The Hooters Calendar Girls shoot? Hot wings!!! and PIE???!!! I’m missing out on all of that just because you can’t find me?

LethalLeprechaun: Yes that was to be this week too, but since we can’t find out where you are I’ll have to cancel it and possibly send regrets about you’re not being available to judge the Crisco National Pie Bake Off. That’s coming up in April and they want a commitment from you to judge by the end of the week

impishdragon: No wait! I want the hot wings shoot with hooters and pie! Free pie! A hundred and fifty seven kinds at the bake off! Every one homemade from scratch!

LethalLeprechaun: If we only had some clue where you are, but all the leads we have dead end like they took you off dimension and all my usual sources are more afraid of who ever has you than anything I could do to them. They’re not talking.

impishdragon@ymail.com: No! I’m right here! I can see you, cant I just go with you?

LethalLeprechaun: but WHERE IS ‘here’ Impish? Where are they keeping you?

impishdragon@ymail.com: Wait…… If I can imagine you….maybe I can imagine

LethalLeprechaun: Don’t worry about your possessions btw I took the precaution of inventorying them and having them appraised so if any greedy dragons come ta steal from you in your absence I’ll get the insurance monies

impishdragon: Yeah, I know you’ll take care of me…for a percentage

LethalLeprechaun: I still believe we’ll find you even if Terrance IS interviewing for his own assistant and having interior decorators look at your office

impishdragon: Let me tell you where I am….I know …. why don’t I just look outside this door

LethalLeprechaun: and don’t worry about your virginal harem…Terrance has been taking good care of them and making sure they polish your stripper pole to exacting standards. He spent half of today supervising them and observing the pole tests

impishdragon: Good old Terrance! Now, where did that door go?

LethalLeprechaun: He even did his first DL post today, said he wanted to – that it was good practice for when he took your spot permanently

impishdragon: WAIT! WHAT??!!! JUST WHAT THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE’S DOING????? I’M GONNA KICK HIS TROLL ASS ALL OVER THIS ………….

LethalLeprechaun: Well you know, statistically speaking, after the first 48 hours the chances of find a missing person…well they get pretty bad. He’s being a big help though, offered to do the Hooters shoot for you and take on your pie judging duties

impishdragon: GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRR…. NO NATIONAL PIE EATING DAY? NO HOT WINGS? NO HOOTERS GIRLS IN BIKINIS CLIMBING ALL OVER ME? NO 152 VARIETIES OF HOME BACKED SCRATCH PIES TO JUDGE? AND NOW SOME TROLL THINKS THEY CAN REPLACE ME?GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOAAAAARRRR!

<the terrible anguished roar of a tormented, hungry, desperate and now ill tempered dragon plus the sounds of crashing rubble within me head frightens me so badly as to cause me to snap out of the dream with a great start and a gold coin stuck to me sweaty forehead>

Now I can only sit here biding my time waiting to see if my on the fly off the cuff Motivate Impish Into Escaping On His Own scheme actually worked. Whilst I do that, I better find Terrance and find him a real good hiding place, cause I think Impish is going to be a wee bit pissed off at the poor innocent fellow and might not give me a chance to explain before he does Terrance serious harm.

For the moment, optimistically,

Good Morning.  My name is Terrance and I’m Mr. Dragon’s personal assistant.  As many of you may be aware, Mr. Dragon has gone missing and we have very few clues as to his whereabouts.  For those of you who have not been following the interplay of comments on this blog, they are repeated here for your edification. 

Dear Lethal Leprechaun,
You’re just jealous.
Signed: Year of the (Impish) Dragon

Great issue today, my friend. Very nicely done, even the dragon bashing was tasteful and humorous. I’d love to leave more kudos, but I’m receiving several honorariums and the mayor wishes to discuss the Year of the Dragon parade for next month.
Cheers!
Impish (Year of the) Dragon.

 

Dear Impish~

1.) Remember as your Manager, Lawyer, Bailiff of your bailiwick, Procurer and Financial Adviser I get 10% of all your earnings including honorariums per position held, that’s 50% of those honorariums bud so start forking it over.

2.) The Parade is a sting operation. The Mayor wants you safely tucked away in a cage where you can wreck no further havoc on his township or its young female inhabitants. The dais has a trap door floor with a cage waiting below it. Besides his assistant already approached me about you donating half the costs of the parade since you are demanding they have one.

3.) I strongly advise you to give up this flight of fancy and false claim on the Year of the Dragon before some of those Tong & Triad Dragons catch wind of your horning in on their turf and year. Those boys are mean, nasty and play for keeps. If they DO show up looking for you I’m taking an extended vacation in the Emerald Isles and Tir Na Nog where I’m likely not to be reachable and develop a faulty memory regarding our association until they finish with you.

Jeers!

Lethal (I’m going to enjoy the video of them taking you apart scale by scale) Leprechaun

 

 

SIGH! great just GREAT! I TOLD HIM IT WAS A BLOODY TRAP, but could Mr. Ego resist a stroking even if he had to pay for half of it? NOOOOOO!

Now AGAIN I have to save his scaly hide from his own stupidity.

FRIDAY!!! Get Harry Dresden on the phone RIGHT NOW. Then find Terrance and get his regenerating butt in my office. HE is supposed to be responsible for Impish’s day to day activities.
See if Impish finished his issue for Saturday yet before he left for what might have turned out to be his funeral procession if I cannot find him.

 

Boss, I was watching him, just like you told me to. He hadn’t mentioned the stupid parade all day and I was sure he forgot about it. You know how short his attention span is; He said he was going to the loo and the next thing I know, he’s gone!
The first thing I thought of was the parade and by the time I got to town, they were clearing off the barricades and everyone was gone. I came straight back.
I know where he keeps his drafts of Dragon Laffs. I’ll see what he has ready.
Terrance

As you can see, it is evident that my employer has been shanghaied and his whereabouts are unknown.  I’ve put together this issue, that, Mr. Dragon had all but completed.  He makes a notation to himself towards the end, so it is conspicuous exactly where he left off.  It is our responsibility to carry on without his draconian leadership, so I say, … ahem …

 

This is my neighbor:

She’s single, lives right across the street and I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.  I was surprised as she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door…
I rushed to open it.
She looks at me, and says, “I just got home, and I’m so Horny!  I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?”
I immediately replied, “Nope, I’m free…I have no plans at all!”
Then she said, “Good!  In that case, could you watch my dog?”

Man… it’s no fun getting old, and living down the street from Lethal Leprechaun!

This is called the Last Bomb.  It is actual footage of a complete, bombing run to mainland Japan in WWII.  In 36 minutes, it takes you through planning, take off, 3,000 mile round trip, joining up with the fighter escorts, flak, the bomb run, strafing runs by the P-51s and the return to base.  Excellent footage of some beautiful old aircraft and actual film from gun cameras.  Well worth the watch.

http://www.archive.org/details/TheLastBomb1945 

I really enjoyed school when I was a kid.

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny – but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken. Pork and beef too. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite ‘live’ animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”   Guess where I am now…

You make the call….does this student get an A or an F?

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle. Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page. Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid. Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage. Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams. Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner. Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half. Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * wet. Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night. Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand… Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? * Very large hands! Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built. Q13. How can you drop a raw egg on to a concrete floor without cracking it? * Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack

For my money, he gets an A just for thinking outside the box.

 

This is called, “Sketching Electronics” and has some really awesome possibilities: 

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are looking into it.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.

A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Okay, this one is really good.  A bit of history that I was unaware of

View on full screen, a very well done production about aerial combat in WW 2.  Surprise ending.

The German

An artist’s impression of the GBU-57A/B

Military technology has created some fearsome weapons, such as the 5,000 lb GBU-28 Deep Throat bunker buster, 15,000 lb BLU-82 Daisycutter, 15,650 lb Russian ATBIP (Aviation Thermobaric Bomb of Increased Power), 22,000 lb Grand Slam earthquake bomb, and the 22,600 lb GBU-43 MOAB (Massive Ordnance Air Blast), but if you were hiding under 50 meters of hardened concrete, none of them were going to bother you.

The U.S. Air Force has just taken delivery of the first GBU-57A/B (Massive Ordnance Penetrator). It weighs 30,000 lb and will penetrate 200 ft of hardened concrete BEFORE it goes off. If you are reading this from an underground nuclear facility in Iran or North Korea , might we suggest some extended sick leave is (or soon will be) in order

Perhaps the most surprising aspect of the Massive Ordnance Penetrator is that it is a relatively simple weapon.

The GBU acronym at the front of the the official designation for the Massive Ordnance Penetrator (GBU-57A/B or MOP) can be found at the front of the name of almost everything the United States Air Force drops from a plane these days.

 

Not all that long ago, bombs were dropped in large numbers in the hope that at least some of them would hit their target.

These days, almost every bomb and missile is delivered with pinpoint accuracy. GBU stands for Guided Bomb Unit, and it means that the 20 foot GBU-57 A/B missile is zeroed in on the target by a GPS navigation system guiding its four lattice-type fins.

Not surprisingly, the bomb is intended for only one purpose – to destroy the type of hardened concrete bunkers which house central command facilities and weapons of mass destruction. It’s hence not surprising that the program has been hurried into readiness with the growing concern that Iran has developed nuclear weaponry.

It is designed to penetrate supposedly untouchable facilities in one piece. The warhead case of the MOP is made from a special high performance steel alloy designed to maintain the integrity of the penetrator case during impact so that the payload can then do its job most effectively by exploding deep underground.

The MOP is deployed from high altitude and allows gravity to add momentum to its 30,000 pound weight so that it hits with enormous kinetic energy.

Put simply, the MOP hits exactly where it is intended to hit with enough energy to bury itself 200+ feet into hardened concrete, then it explodes its 5,300 pound warhead.

The MOP is designed to be carried aboard B-2 and B-52 bombers so there’s nowhere that is out of reach. The B-52 has a combat range of nearly 9000 miles, but aerial refueling means it effectively has an unlimited range.

During Operation Desert Strike on September 2/3, 1996, two B-52s flew out of Barksdale Air Force Base in Louisiana and disrupted communications in Baghdad with AGM-86C cruise missiles. By the time the mission was over, 34 hours had expired. Hence it would be fair to say that the B-52 is only limited in its range by the endurance of the four-person air crew.

The most likely aircraft to deliver the MOP however, is the B-2 Spirit which like the B-52, can carry two MOPs.

The largely composite B-2 has vastly reduced infrared, acoustic, electromagnetic, visual and radar signatures, extraordinary aerodynamic efficiency, a long range (6000 miles) without refueling and a massive payload. It is hence a potent delivery system for the likes of the MOP, as it is very difficult for defensive systems to detect, track and engage.

With aerial refueling, there is now nowhere to hide.

Any of you who have to sit through powerpoint presentations and meetings will sympathize with this one…
http://www.makeuseof.com/tech-fun/every-presentation-ever/

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance — Particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: “http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML” and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

I have to go now, will return to this and finish for Saturday after my parade.  Maybe I’ll be able to give some really good descriptions or even some pictures of my parade, that would be a nice ending to this issue.

As I indicated earlier, it is apparent where Mr. Dragon left off on his issue.  I’ll not attempt to add anything further to this endeavor, and I’ll end with, what I believe, is a very appropriate “Last Word”.  Please take these bulletins and post them far and wide, in an attempt to locate our dear employer.

Respectfully,

Terrance T. Troll, esquire

 

Today’s Last Word…

LL here with an update folks.

Sorry it’s taken nearly 24 hours but I’ve been a bit busy as you can imagine. I can report progress on locating our very own dimwitted “Dragon of the Year”.  While I am unable to release details I can say we have hired some expert help to assist me and are pursuing all leads and angles with some limited success at this point.

At this time we’re fairly certain we know all the answers who and how, but not so far the where and why. It appears that while the town fathers might have been responsible for Impish’s pathetically easy capture and drugging, they were simply “hired help” and received a generous donation to their “Year of the Dragon Parade” fund which covered the costs 5 times over. Then in a feat of greed worthy of me they hit Impish up for 1/2 their already inflated costs for his parade and he paid them! I cant help but admire these corrupt town officials on a strictly professional level.

As I have said, the where and why part so far is eluding us. These questions are made more difficult by the fact that we are apparently dealing with 3 different groups, one that took him, the ones that paid to have him taken and took immediate possession of him, who along with Impish have now also disappeared and apparently not of their own contrivance along with Impish their presumed captive. Even worse evidence points to them having been removed for this dimension and possibly move the the Fairies’ Realms.

At this time I’d like to ask you all for your help in distributing this (sniff…sniff) Missing Dragon flyer:

PLEASE paper all the public areas you can with them so we can get (snob) my dear friend and cross in life Impish home.

I will update you all further on the situation as developments warrant.

At this time I’d like to devote a quick minute to answering some concerned reader questions posted in the comments of the blog.

paul says:

January 19, 2012 at 15:13

Hang on to your seats folks.
will LL find Impish?? …I’ll consider it but I got to tell you his life insurance both personal and corporate are looking pretty good at the moment as is the peace & quiet. Actually if nothing else I’ll find him just to keep tabs on his dumb butt and be sure nothing REALLY bad happens to him. He can be annoying and gets into more trouble than a 3 yr old but he IS my client, my business partner and more importantly my friend.

will LL get there in time to rescue Impish from the bugs?? ..not a shot. He’s playing with them waiting for them to organize in a mass so he can toast them for a snack. Impish is NOT one to miss an opportunity for caloric intake in any form and is a big fan of Andrew Zimmern and his show “Bizarre Foods” often trying to (nauseatingly) out do him. This much to the consternation of Andrew and his staff

will LL be able to get him out of the cavern?? … the question is more like: will Lethal BUY the cavern with Impish in it and keep him there to protect him from himself and all these stupid (mis) adventures of his.

and most important

will Impish post the Saturday issue?? …I can say positively there WILL be a Saturday issue, it WILL be Impish’s styling and material as we located a mostly completed issue he had for this week. I can’t say it will be Impish that pushes the “publish” button however. I can also say our priority is business as usual and do not anticipate any interruption in our posting schedule do to this unfortunate unforeseen (at least by Impish) incident.

 

Chuck says:

January 19, 2012 at 15:03

Dude, you are way too funny! When all of the bugs finish their banding, you should snag em up and have yourself a snack. I know you must be famished!!!!!

Don’t worry Chuck, that was his plan all along I’m sure he was just acting scared to lure them in with a false sense of security. As to his being famished, his latest physical showed him about 400# overweight for an overweight dragon, so he has about a solid week before his lack of a decent meal becomes a serious issue and his own tail starts looking good to him.

 

A very harried & worried