Good Morning. My name is Terrance and I’m Mr. Dragon’s personal assistant. As many of you may be aware, Mr. Dragon has gone missing and we have very few clues as to his whereabouts. For those of you who have not been following the interplay of comments on this blog, they are repeated here for your edification.
Dear Lethal Leprechaun,
You’re just jealous.
Signed: Year of the (Impish) Dragon
Great issue today, my friend. Very nicely done, even the dragon bashing was tasteful and humorous. I’d love to leave more kudos, but I’m receiving several honorariums and the mayor wishes to discuss the Year of the Dragon parade for next month.
Impish (Year of the) Dragon.
1.) Remember as your Manager, Lawyer, Bailiff of your bailiwick, Procurer and Financial Adviser I get 10% of all your earnings including honorariums per position held, that’s 50% of those honorariums bud so start forking it over.
2.) The Parade is a sting operation. The Mayor wants you safely tucked away in a cage where you can wreck no further havoc on his township or its young female inhabitants. The dais has a trap door floor with a cage waiting below it. Besides his assistant already approached me about you donating half the costs of the parade since you are demanding they have one.
3.) I strongly advise you to give up this flight of fancy and false claim on the Year of the Dragon before some of those Tong & Triad Dragons catch wind of your horning in on their turf and year. Those boys are mean, nasty and play for keeps. If they DO show up looking for you I’m taking an extended vacation in the Emerald Isles and Tir Na Nog where I’m likely not to be reachable and develop a faulty memory regarding our association until they finish with you.
Lethal (I’m going to enjoy the video of them taking you apart scale by scale) Leprechaun
SIGH! great just GREAT! I TOLD HIM IT WAS A BLOODY TRAP, but could Mr. Ego resist a stroking even if he had to pay for half of it? NOOOOOO!
Now AGAIN I have to save his scaly hide from his own stupidity.
FRIDAY!!! Get Harry Dresden on the phone RIGHT NOW. Then find Terrance and get his regenerating butt in my office. HE is supposed to be responsible for Impish’s day to day activities.
See if Impish finished his issue for Saturday yet before he left for what might have turned out to be his funeral procession if I cannot find him.
Boss, I was watching him, just like you told me to. He hadn’t mentioned the stupid parade all day and I was sure he forgot about it. You know how short his attention span is; He said he was going to the loo and the next thing I know, he’s gone!
The first thing I thought of was the parade and by the time I got to town, they were clearing off the barricades and everyone was gone. I came straight back.
I know where he keeps his drafts of Dragon Laffs. I’ll see what he has ready.
As you can see, it is evident that my employer has been shanghaied and his whereabouts are unknown. I’ve put together this issue, that, Mr. Dragon had all but completed. He makes a notation to himself towards the end, so it is conspicuous exactly where he left off. It is our responsibility to carry on without his draconian leadership, so I say, … ahem …
This is my neighbor:
She’s single, lives right across the street and I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised as she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door…
I rushed to open it.
She looks at me, and says, “I just got home, and I’m so Horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?”
I immediately replied, “Nope, I’m free…I have no plans at all!”
Then she said, “Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?”
Man… it’s no fun getting old, and living down the street from Lethal Leprechaun!
This is called the Last Bomb. It is actual footage of a complete, bombing run to mainland Japan in WWII. In 36 minutes, it takes you through planning, take off, 3,000 mile round trip, joining up with the fighter escorts, flak, the bomb run, strafing runs by the P-51s and the return to base. Excellent footage of some beautiful old aircraft and actual film from gun cameras. Well worth the watch.
I really enjoyed school when I was a kid.
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny – but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken. Pork and beef too. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite ‘live’ animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, “Colonel Sanders.” Guess where I am now…
You make the call….does this student get an A or an F?
STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle.
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page.
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner.
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half.
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand…
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands!
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can you drop a raw egg on to a concrete floor without cracking it?
* Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack
For my money, he gets an A just for thinking outside the box.
This is called, “Sketching Electronics” and has some really awesome possibilities:
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Okay, this one is really good. A bit of history that I was unaware of
View on full screen, a very well done production about aerial combat in WW 2. Surprise ending.
An artist’s impression of the GBU-57A/B
Military technology has created some fearsome weapons, such as the 5,000 lb GBU-28 Deep Throat bunker buster, 15,000 lb BLU-82 Daisycutter, 15,650 lb Russian ATBIP (Aviation Thermobaric Bomb of Increased Power), 22,000 lb Grand Slam earthquake bomb, and the 22,600 lb GBU-43 MOAB (Massive Ordnance Air Blast), but if you were hiding under 50 meters of hardened concrete, none of them were going to bother you.
The U.S. Air Force has just taken delivery of the first GBU-57A/B (Massive Ordnance Penetrator). It weighs 30,000 lb and will penetrate 200 ft of hardened concrete BEFORE it goes off. If you are reading this from an underground nuclear facility in Iran or North Korea , might we suggest some extended sick leave is (or soon will be) in order
Perhaps the most surprising aspect of the Massive Ordnance Penetrator is that it is a relatively simple weapon.
The GBU acronym at the front of the the official designation for the Massive Ordnance Penetrator (GBU-57A/B or MOP) can be found at the front of the name of almost everything the United States Air Force drops from a plane these days.
Not all that long ago, bombs were dropped in large numbers in the hope that at least some of them would hit their target.
These days, almost every bomb and missile is delivered with pinpoint accuracy. GBU stands for Guided Bomb Unit, and it means that the 20 foot GBU-57 A/B missile is zeroed in on the target by a GPS navigation system guiding its four lattice-type fins.
Not surprisingly, the bomb is intended for only one purpose – to destroy the type of hardened concrete bunkers which house central command facilities and weapons of mass destruction. It’s hence not surprising that the program has been hurried into readiness with the growing concern that Iran has developed nuclear weaponry.
It is designed to penetrate supposedly untouchable facilities in one piece. The warhead case of the MOP is made from a special high performance steel alloy designed to maintain the integrity of the penetrator case during impact so that the payload can then do its job most effectively by exploding deep underground.
The MOP is deployed from high altitude and allows gravity to add momentum to its 30,000 pound weight so that it hits with enormous kinetic energy.
Put simply, the MOP hits exactly where it is intended to hit with enough energy to bury itself 200+ feet into hardened concrete, then it explodes its 5,300 pound warhead.
The MOP is designed to be carried aboard B-2 and B-52 bombers so there’s nowhere that is out of reach. The B-52 has a combat range of nearly 9000 miles, but aerial refueling means it effectively has an unlimited range.
During Operation Desert Strike on September 2/3, 1996, two B-52s flew out of Barksdale Air Force Base in Louisiana and disrupted communications in Baghdad with AGM-86C cruise missiles. By the time the mission was over, 34 hours had expired. Hence it would be fair to say that the B-52 is only limited in its range by the endurance of the four-person air crew.
The most likely aircraft to deliver the MOP however, is the B-2 Spirit which like the B-52, can carry two MOPs.
The largely composite B-2 has vastly reduced infrared, acoustic, electromagnetic, visual and radar signatures, extraordinary aerodynamic efficiency, a long range (6000 miles) without refueling and a massive payload. It is hence a potent delivery system for the likes of the MOP, as it is very difficult for defensive systems to detect, track and engage.
With aerial refueling, there is now nowhere to hide.
Any of you who have to sit through powerpoint presentations and meetings will sympathize with this one…
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance — Particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: “http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML” and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
I have to go now, will return to this and finish for Saturday after my parade. Maybe I’ll be able to give some really good descriptions or even some pictures of my parade, that would be a nice ending to this issue.
As I indicated earlier, it is apparent where Mr. Dragon left off on his issue. I’ll not attempt to add anything further to this endeavor, and I’ll end with, what I believe, is a very appropriate “Last Word”. Please take these bulletins and post them far and wide, in an attempt to locate our dear employer.
Terrance T. Troll, esquire
Today’s Last Word…