Harrumph. Well here we are again, another Wednesday early 2012 with no good reason to celebrate in sight.

As if THAT wasn’t bad enough, now we got ole Impish crowing about it being the “Year of the Dragon” ( like EVERY day of EVERY year isn’t like that already at DL HQ). Doesn’t matter that the Chinese are referring to Asian Pan Lung Dragons which in Impish’s own words “are not real dragons, there more like snakes with ugly mutant alligator heads who fly like hot air balloons.” It also apparently doesn’t matter that the closet Impish comes to having any Asian or Chinese in him is the 2 Asian girls who delivered the wheelbarrow full of Chinese take out from Phoo-Yuk’s on Sunday plus the contents of the wheelbarrow, he’s going to be insufferable about this for the next year! Well I’m going to put the kibosh on this baloney faster than a liberals we need control argument right now!!!

 

See? CHINESE-ASIAN DRAGON! Thin, sinuous, svelte, wingless, green tea imbibing, SMART, doesn’t find itself continually in trouble or mysteriously run over by miniature madmen behind the wheel of speeding buses! They can quote the wisdom of Confucius and Buddha, while you quote Larry the Cable Guy and Rodney Dangerfield. In short, they’re NOTHING like you AT ALL Impish!

  AHEM! This has been an editorial response to a flight of sheer farcical dragon lunacy. 

We now return you to our (loosely) grounded in reality usual blogging content.

 

I’ll take pity on you and explain it in one simple sentence. Those are official DragonLaffs Coffee mugs. Now doesn’t that alone make you want to buy one?

Back from Christmas Break

It was the first day of school in the New Year, and the teacher, Miss Jones, thought she’d get the class into the swing of things by asking them about something she knew they had enjoyed.

So she asked young Patrick Murphy: “What did you do for Christmas?”

Patrick addressed the class: “Well Miss Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters went to midnight mass and we sang hymns; then we got home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hung up our stockings. Then all excited, we went to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.”

“Very nice Patrick,” she said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what did you do at Christmas?”

“Well, Miss Jones, me and my sister also went to church with Mom and Dad, and we sang carols and we got home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hung up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.”

“Excellent, Jimmy,” she said, and then turned to the next boy in class. “Isaac Cohen, what did you do at Christmas?”

Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year: Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce and drive to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves. And then we sing ‘What A Friend We Have in Jesus’. Then we all went to the Bahamas to snorkel.”

 

 Today’s Question:

 

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.’

Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’

Man: ‘What sins?’

Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’

Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’

Priest: ‘Why are you telling me all this?’

Man: ‘I’m 92 years old ….. I’m telling everybody!’

 

 

Winter Snow Capital: West Texas?

by Jonathan Erdman, weather.com Sr. Meteorologist Updated: January 14, 2011 8:00 am ET

In this weird winter 2011-2012, where is the snowy epicenter in the U.S.? So far, it’s Alaska, as epic snowfall has buried the towns of Cordova and Valdez

In the Lower 48 States, however, the snow title, at least relative to what is considered average, should go to West Texas. Yes…Texas!

Let’s use the West Texas city of Midland (population of 111,147) as our textbook example.

A snowstorm Monday January 9 shattered new records. First, it is the record snowiest season, there, with just under 20″ of snow so far for the season. This record had stood for 65 years!

Almost 20″ of snow in one season is historic in West Texas.

But wait…there’s more.

A whopping 10.6″ of snow fell in Midland Monday, the snowiest day on record there, besting the old record of 9.8″ on Dec. 11, 1998. They picked up over double their seasonal average snow (4.9″) in just one day!

This comes on the heels of the first White Christmas in parts of West Texas since 1997. According to the National Weather Service Office in Midland-Odessa, it snowed for 30 consecutive hours from late on Dec. 23 through Christmas Eve, leaving 1″ on the ground officially for Christmas morning.

Snow at a drilling rig near Odessa, Texas Jan. 9, 2012
Photo: iWitnessWeather contributor mlallison

Oh yes, did we also mention this record snow is coming on the heels of the driest year on record for the state of Texas? Nearby locations such as Amarillo and Lubbock set new “driest year” records in 2011.

West Texas Trumping the Great Lakes!

Now, compare Midland’s record snow season with the, frankly, pathetic snow totals through January 9 in notoriously snowy northern cities, shown below.

Yes, Midland has had over 3 times the snowfall this season as Buffalo and almost twice the snow in the Twin Cities! (Note…Buffalo and Chicago have since picked up additional snow from a winter storm Jan. 12-13.)

The paltry snow stats through January 9, 2012.

In Buffalo, it was not a white Christmas, and through Dec. 28, it was the least snowy start to the season on record there!

Midland is even far outpacing Fargo, N.D. (only 4.7″) and Duluth, Minn. (only about 13″) for the season!

 

Winter too Mild for Ice Wine

by Weather.com and The Associated Press

TRAVERSE CITY, Mich. (AP) — Along with ski resort operators and snowmobile vendors, the unusually mild winter has been rough on makers of a cold-climate delicacy called ice wine.

The pricey dessert beverage, produced by wineries stretching from Minnesota through New York and in parts of Canada, is revered for its sweetness and often-syrupy texture. It comes from grapes that are picked and pressed while they’re still frozen, yielding precious drops of concentrated juice. Winemakers have waited nervously for temperatures to drop low enough to harvest the fruit.

Many were finally able to do so last week, thanks to a short-lived cold snap. But winery operators say the delay resulted in far fewer usable grapes.

“What’s ironic about the ice wine harvest is it’s one of the few times when people actually say, `Great, it’s going to be bitter cold,'” said Jim Trezise, president of the New York Wine and Grape Foundation. “We were kind of twiddling our thumbs, but it finally came together.”

Grapes used in most wines from the Upper Midwest and the Northeast are harvested by late October or November. But some vineyard operators leave a small portion of their crop behind for another month or longer, hoping it will develop suitably for ice wine.

They acknowledge it’s a gamble.

Federal regulations prohibit using the “ice wine” label unless the product came from grapes that were at least partially frozen on the vine. That requires temperatures of roughly 17 degrees – the point at which water inside the fruit solidifies – or lower. When the largely dehydrated grapes are pressed, what emerges is the sugary portion of the juice. If all goes well, the treasured nectar is fermented and becomes high-quality ice wine.

But much can go wrong. The longer the harvest is delayed, the greater the risk that grapes will rot or shrivel past the point of usefulness. Some growers who have managed to harvest ice wine grapes say their yields were down by as much as 40 percent this year compared to a typical harvest.

Grapes left on the vine for extended periods also are more likely to be eaten by birds, deer, raccoons and other wildlife. Some growers shield the fruit with nets and install noisemaking devices, but the critters are resourceful.

Sleet and hail can damage the grapes. If too much snow falls, it can bury low-hanging bunches, making them hard to retrieve.

“I’m delighted if we can harvest 50 percent of what we left hanging for ice wine,” said Mark Johnson, winemaker at Chateau Chantal winery on Traverse City’s Old Mission Peninsula. That’s about what his operation managed to take in last week on the half-acre set aside for the purpose.

Delaying the harvest also can stress vines and stunt production for a year or two, said Edward O’Keefe III, president of nearby Chateau Grand Traverse, which sometimes makes ice wine but took a pass this season.

All those risks – and the fact that it can take three or four times more grapes to make a bottle of ice wine than ordinary wine – explain the high price tag. Chateau Chantal charges $68 for a 375-milliliter bottle, which is half the size of a standard wine bottle. Some ice wines sell for $90 or more.

“It’s just something really special, something to be sipped and savored,” Johnson said. “You’re not going to kick back and chug a tumbler full. You want an ounce or a half-ounce.”

Ice wine is a niche product, accounting for less than 5 percent of the wine made in Michigan, said Linda Jones, director of the Michigan Grape and Wine Industry Council. In New York, it makes up just 1 to 2 percent, Trezise said. So even if a winery loses all its ice wine grapes one year, it’s unlikely to be ruinous.

Still, it’s an important marketing tool for the northern wine industry – an item that warm-weather competitors can’t match.

“If you’re known for something that’s really special and rare, it helps build your reputation,” Trezise said.

Ice wine usually is made with white wine grapes such as Riesling and Vidal, although the red variety Cabernet Franc is another frequent choice. It originated in Germany in the late 1700s and remains popular there. Canada is a leading producer, especially the Niagara region of southern Ontario.

Some Canadian vineyards got cold enough briefly in late December to harvest. Crews in Nova Scotia spent Christmas Eve in the vineyards, industry spokeswoman Christine White said. Henry of Pelham Estate Winery in St. Catherines, Ontario, took advantage of a short freeze the night of Dec. 29, said its president, Paul Speck.

“We had about seven to eight hours that were perfect to pick in,” Speck said. “We were happy to get what we could. It’s been ridiculously mild here.”

For many operations, the window of opportunity finally came last Tuesday, when a cold spell settled across ice wine country. Workers jumped into action after dark at Lemon Creek Winery in Berrien Springs, Mich. Aided by a harvesting machine, they secured about 4 tons in a couple of hours.

The haul was less than half of what it would have been in early December, owner Jeff Lemon said. But it could have been worse.

“This was the latest we’ve ever gone,” he said. “We were one evening away from ending up with nothing.”

 

 

 Oil Companies Fined for Not Buying Nonexistent Cellulosic Ethanol

In 2007, Congress passed and President George W. Bush signed the Energy Independence and Security Act (EISA). In keeping with Bush’s 2006 State of the Union pledge to make ethanol “not just from corn but from wood chips and stalks of switch grass … practical and competitive within six years,” the law included subsidies for ethanol production and mandates for its use. By 2011, oil companies were required to blend 250 million gallons of this cellulosic ethanol into their gasoline. The mandate doubled for 2012, and by 2022 it will be 16 billion gallons.

There’s just one problem: “Outside a handful of laboratories and workshops,” the New York Times reports, cellulosic ethanol “does not exist.”
This has not, however, prevented the Environmental Protection Agency from levying penalties on petroleum companies for failing to purchase this nonexistent fuel. The EPA engages in verbal sleight of hand. Instead of being fined for failing to make the agency’s pipe dreams come true, “refiners are required to purchase ‘credits’ from the EPA,” explains Brian McGraw of the Competitive Enterprise Institute. “Essentially, the EPA is requiring them to send them money in lieu of meeting the cellulosic ethanol mandate. The product they are required to use does not exist, and rather than giving them a pass, the EPA requires that they pay for phantom credits, despite not getting anything out of it.”
These fines — er, credit purchases — are, of course, passed on to consumers in the form of higher gas prices; and when gas prices go up, so do the prices of most other products.

A Fine for Not Using a Biofuel That Doesn’t Exist

“It belies logic,” Charles T. Drevna, the president of the National Petrochemicals and Refiners Association, said of the 2011 quota. And raising the quota for 2012 when there is no production makes even less sense, he said.

Penalizing the fuel suppliers demonstrates what happens when the federal government really, really wants something that technology is not ready to provide. In fact, while it may seem harsh that the Environmental Protection Agency is penalizing them for failing to do the impossible, the agency is being lenient by the standards of the law, the 2007 Energy Independence and Security Act.

The law, aimed at reducing the nation’s greenhouse gas emissions, its reliance on oil imported from hostile places and the export of dollars to pay for it, includes provisions to increase the efficiency of vehicles as well as incorporate renewable energy sources into gasoline and diesel.

It requires the use of three alternative fuels: car and truck fuel made from cellulose, diesel fuel made from biomass and fuel made from biological materials but with a 50 percent reduction in greenhouse gases. Only the cellulosic fuel is commercially unavailable. As for meeting the quotas in the other categories, the refiners will not close their books until February and are not sure what will happen.

The goal set by the law for vehicle fuel from cellulose was 250 million gallons for 2011 and 500 million gallons for 2012. (These are small numbers relative to the American fuel market; the E.P.A. estimates that gasoline sales in 2012 will amount to about 135 billion gallons, and highway diesel, about 51 billion gallons.)

Even advocates of renewable fuel acknowledge that the refiners are at least partly correct in complaining about the penalties.

“From a taxpayer/consumer standpoint, it doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense that we would require blenders to pay fines or fees or whatever for stuff that literally isn’t available,” said Dennis V. McGinn, a retired vice admiral who serves on the American Council on Renewable Energy.

The standards for cellulosic fuel are part of an overall goal of having 36 billion gallons of biofuels incorporated annually by 2022. But substantial technical progress would be needed to meet that — and lately it has been hard to come by.

 

 

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you use it to go fishing or hunting instead of buying food?” the man asked.
“No, I don’t waste time fishing or hunting,” the homeless man said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing hunting and golf .

 

Well it seems Jon Huntsman has thrown in his towel in the Republican “I Want To Be The Party’s Presidential Candidate” reality show adding his towel to those of Sarah Palin (the undeclared non candidate), Herman Cain, and Michele Bachman.

While each brought something desirable to the race, it seems that at least at the moment there is nobody running that embodies all the things the voters want in a Republican nominee for President.

Well we here at DragonLaffs have a solution (You expected something less?) to this problem. I give you the Blended Republican Presidential Candidate a.k.a The Right Republican Stuff:

We’re certain with today’s level of technological advancement in the area of cloning and sufficient viable DNA samples we can achieve this out come in short order here in my Dr of Quackery Mad Scientist Lab. Oh yeah one more thing NOT shown in the diagram, the “Right Republican” will also possess  New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s rapier wit for dealing with the Liberal Media Morons and hecklers to insure that those televised press conferences are not only informative but entertaining as well.

 

Little Johnny had just gotten his ear pierced, and the other students were bombarding him with questions about the process.
“Does the hole go all the way through?” Billy asked.
“Yes,” answered Little Johnny.
“Did it hurt?” asked Susie.
“Just a little,” replied Little Johnny.
“Did they stick a needle through your ears?” asked Jacob.
“No, they used a special gun,” said Little Johnny.
Silence followed, and then Joe asked, “Like, how far away did they stand?”

 

Many of you are looking for ways to stay warm right about now. Here’s a few suggestions and one for beating the Winter Blues

Spicy Mexican Minestrone Stew

Here’s a casual, comforting dish that’s great for friends or family.  Picante sauce adds a zesty burst of flavor that makes this minestrone-style stew especially tasty.

1/2 pound sweet Italian pork sausage, casing removed

2 teaspoons vegetable oil

1 3/4 cups Swanson® Beef Broth or Swanson® Beef Stock

1 can (about 14.5 ounces) whole peeled tomatoes, cut up

1 1/2 cups Pace® Picante Sauce

1/4 teaspoon garlic powder or 1 clove garlic, minced

1 cup uncooked medium shell-shaped pasta

1 package (about 10 ounces) frozen cut green beans, thawed (about 2 cups)

1 can (about 15 ounces) kidney beans, rinsed and drained

Shredded Monterey Jack cheese or mozzarella cheese

• Shape the sausage firmly into 1/2-inch meatballs.
• Heat the oil in a 4-quart saucepan over medium-high heat. Add the meatballs and cook until they’re well browned on all sides. Remove the meatballs from the saucepan. Pour off any fat.
• Stir the broth, tomatoes, picante sauce and garlic powder in the saucepan and heat to a boil. Stir in the pasta. Return the meatballs to the saucepan. Reduce the heat to low. Cover and cook for 10 minutes, stirring often.
• Stir in the green beans and kidney beans. Cook for 10 minutes or until the meatballs are cooked through and the pasta is tender, stirring occasionally. Sprinkle with the cheese before serving, if desired.

RECIPE TIPS

• Easy Substitution: Substitute 1 can (about 16 ounces) cut green beans, drained for the frozen.
• Time-Saving: For quicker preparation, omit the first step and cook the sausage over medium-high heat until it’s well browned, stirring often to separate meat. Leave the sausage in the skillet and pour off any fat. Proceed with the remainder of the recipe as directed.

Ratatouille Soup

Are you looking for a hearty soup that doesn’t take all day to make?  Try this delicious soup packed with beef, pasta, eggplant and zucchini, that’s ready in just under 50 minutes.

1 pound ground beef or Italian sausage ( your choice of Pork, Turkey or Chicken based)

1 jar (24 ounces) Prego® Traditional Italian Sauce or Tomato, Basil & Garlic Italian Sauce

1 can Campbell’s® Condensed Beef Broth

2 cups water

1 small eggplant, cut into cubes (about 3 1/2 cups)

1 medium zucchini, cut into cubes (about 1 1/2 cups)

1 large green pepper, chopped (about 1 cup)

1/2 cup uncooked elbow pasta

• Cook the beef in a 4-quart saucepot over medium-high heat until it’s well browned, stirring often to break up the meat. Pour off any fat.
• Stir the sauce, broth, water, eggplant, zucchini and pepper in the saucepot and heat to a boil over medium-high heat. Reduce the heat to low. Cover and cook for 15 minutes.
• Stir the pasta in the saucepot. Increase the heat to medium and cook for 10 minutes or until the pasta is tender, stirring occasionally.

Santa Fe Chicken Tortilla Soup

Using canned chicken, prepared salsa and flavorful chicken broth allows you to make this satisfying soup in just 25 minutes.  Try it…it’s zesty and delicious. 

1 can (12.5 ounces) Swanson® Premium White Chunk Chicken Breast in Water, drained

1 1/2 cups Pace® Picante Sauce

1 1/2 cups frozen whole kernel corn, thawed

3 cups Swanson® Chicken Broth (Regular, Natural Goodness® or Certified Organic)

2 cups coarsely crushed tortilla chips

1/3 cup shredded Cheddar cheese or Mexican cheese blend (about 1.3 ounces)

• Stir the chicken, picante sauce, corn and broth in a 3-quart saucepan and heat to a boil over medium-high heat. Reduce the heat to low and cook for 5 minutes.
• Place about 1/3 cup tortilla chips in the bottom of each of 6 serving bowls. Ladle the soup over the chips and sprinkle each with about 1 tablespoon of cheese. Serve immediately.

RECIPE TIPS

• Ingredient Note: Or you may use 3 cans Swanson® Premium White Chunk Chicken Breast in Water, drained (4.5 ounces each).

 

Slow-Simmered Chicken Rice Soup

Crushed red pepper adds some unexpected heat to this mouthwatering soup that slow cooks for hours, ensuring wonderful flavors, enticing aromas and minimal work for the cook.

Prep: 10 minutes

Cook: 7 hours 15 minutes

Makes: 8 servings (about 1 1/2 cups each)

1/2 cup uncooked wild rice

1/2 cup uncooked regular long-grain white rice

1 tablespoon vegetable oil

5 1/4 cups Swanson® Chicken Broth (Regular, Natural Goodness® or Certified Organic)

2 teaspoons dried thyme leaves, crushed

1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper

2 stalks celery, coarsely chopped (about 1 cup)

1 medium onion, chopped (about 1/2 cup)

4 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves (about 1 pound), cut into cubes

Sour cream (optional)

Chopped green onions (optional)

• Stir the wild rice, white rice and oil in a 3 1/2-quart slow cooker. Cover and cook on HIGH for 15 minutes. 
• Stir the broth, thyme, red pepper, celery, onion and chicken in the cooker.  Reduce the heat to LOW.  Cover and cook for 7 to 8 hours or until the chicken is cooked through.
• Serve with the sour cream and green onions, if desired. 

RECIPE TIPS

• Time-Saving: This recipe may also be cooked on HIGH for 4 to 5 hours.
• Time-Saving: Speed preparation by substituting 3 cans (4.5 ounces each) Swanson® Premium White Chunk Chicken Breast in Water, drained, for the skinless, boneless chicken breast halves.

South-of-the-Border Beef Stew

Corn and potatoes beef up this Southwestern-inspired chili with ground beef, onion, tomato and chili powder.

1 1/2 pounds ground beef

1 large onion, chopped (about 1 cup)

1/2 teaspoon garlic powder or 2 cloves garlic, minced

1 can (10 3/4 ounces) Campbell’s® Condensed Tomato Soup

1 can (10 1/2 ounces) Campbell’s® Condensed Beef Broth

1 cup water

2 tablespoons chili powder

3 medium potatoes, cut into cubes (about 3 cups)

1 can (about 16 ounces) whole kernel corn, drained

Shredded Cheddar cheese

• Cook the beef, onion and garlic powder in a 12-inch skillet over medium-high heat until the beef is well browned, stirring often to separate meat.  Pour off any fat.
• Stir the soup, broth, water, chili powder and potatoes in the skillet and heat to a boil.  Reduce the heat to low.  Cover and cook for 15 minutes or until the potatoes are tender.  Stir in the corn and and cook until the mixture is hot and bubbling.  Sprinkle with the cheese.

Yeah ok you’re right for MOST of you strawberries are not in season and a little bit of a luxury, but what away to beat the winter doldrums!

Fresh Strawberry Yogurt Bunt Cake

Number of serving: 12
Preparation time: 30 Minute(s)
Cook time: 60 Minute(s)
Difficulty: Very Easy

Ingredients:

1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened
2 cups sugar
3 eggs
3 Tb. lemon juice, divided
Zest of 1 lemon
2 ½ cups all-purpose flour, divided
½ tsp. baking soda
½ tsp. salt
8 oz. plain or vanilla, Greek yogurt
12 oz. fresh strawberries, diced
1 cup powdered sugar

Preparation:

Preheat oven to 325*. Grease and flour a 10 inch Bundt pan. Sift together the 2 ¼ cups of flour, baking soda and salt. Mix in the lemon zest and set aside.

With an electric mixer, cream together the butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Beat in the eggs one at a time, then stir in 1 Tb. lemon juice. Alternate beating in the flour mixture and the yogurt, mixing just until incorporated.

Toss the strawberries with the remaining ¼ cup of flour. Gently mix them into the batter.

Pour the batter into the Bundt pan. Bake in the preheated oven for 60 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center of the cake comes out clean.

Allow to cool 10 minutes in the pan, then turn out onto a wire rack and cool completely.

Once cooled whisk together the remaining 2 Tb. of lemon juice and the powdered sugar. Drizzle over the top of the cake.

Serves 12+ or a single Dragon.

Speaking to the Winter Blues…here some for you now.

“Winter Blues.” Steven Capozzola

Been a while since I did any Warrior Wednesday items. Its high time I corrected that.

Sure hope you enjoy this as much as I did.   Bravo!

This video is taken from a British series where a guy called Gareth Malone takes a group of people

and turns them into a choir. This time he’s taken a group of military wives whose husbands are all away

in Afghanistan and turned them into a choir. Gareth looks about 16 yrs old but is actually in his mid-30s

and a Choirmaster for the London Symphony Orchestra, among other things. They wrote a song based

on excerpts from letters written by the couples whilst apart and this is the beautiful result.

The single is out in the UK.  Thousands have been pre-ordered.  All money raised is going to military charities. 

 

A good reminder that ours are not the only soldiers and military families making the sacrifices to keep us safe and secure from terrorism masquerading as religion. As was pointed out by a Canadian reader who wrote into the comments section of the blog our allies are right there beside us.

Regardless of you country, we thank you and salute your courage and sacrifice on behalf of us all.

Good Morning Campers…man, it’s been a tough week around here at Dragon and Leprechaun Laffs enterprises.    Between switching days and blizzards and all kinds of crazy stuff, it’s time to announce …

From 23 January 2012 to 9 February 2013, it is the year of the dragon!  Specifically, this time around is the year of the Water Dragon.  We will try to run different features and information about dragons as we celebrate this year of the dragon.  Now,  

Chuck Woolery for President?
Who knew?

http://www.youtube.com/v/KV-RqPtT2PU?version=3&feature=player_embedded

An actual letter sent to the Dragon Laffs mail room:

As we progress through to the end of 2011, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet. I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I can’t have a drink in a bar because I fear I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone. I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up. I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life. I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down. I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan . THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt. AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over. I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . Oh, and by the way….. A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late. P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet. NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…

Made in America. 
Words that used to mean something.  Well, in some places, it still does mean something.  Thanks to John for pointing out this video to me.
http://cdnapi.kaltura.com/index.php/kwidget/wid/0_04vzdsr5/uiconf_id/5590821

Gotta have a golf joke for Dad

Christmas Foursome

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.”

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.”

The second guy said, “My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”

Number three guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds.

“I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning for either sex or golf” and she said “Take a sweater”

From Those Crazy Guys at MakeUseOf.com…if you don’t have a subscription to these guys yet…why not?
http://www.makeuseof.com/tech-fun/fotoshop-the-worlds-best-beauty-product/

A holiday safety video from Tiger Valley, that is good information all year round

 

Ginny says:

reminds me of Wily E. Coyote. my all time favorite cartoon….lol

Ormie the Pig – YouTube

You’ll love it too, I promise!

This is absolutely excellent!  I know I’ve seen it before, so if it’s a repeat, I’m so sorry, but it’s worth seeing again, anyway!

Dear freezing weather,

Thank you for making me feel like a dragon.

Sincerely, easily amused student walking to class

It’s a small taste of the good life, but a taste none-the-less!

And to close out, how about an oldie, but goodie…

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. 

When they get there, St. Peter says,‘We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!’

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.   She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on …. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?’

The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a  Duck.

Today’s Last Word…This one was sent in by Dad and it describes, in a humorously confusing way, exactly what’s wrong with the world today…

Class war at its  best.


The folks who are getting the free  stuff, don’t like the folks who are paying for the free  stuff, because the folks who are paying for  the free stuff, can no longer afford to pay for both the free stuff and their own stuff,

And, The folks who are paying for  the free stuff, want the free stuff to stop. And the the folks who are  getting the free  stuff, want even more free stuff on top of  the free stuff they are already getting!

Now…
The people who are forcing the  people who pay for the free stuff, have told the people who are RECEIVING  the free stuff, that the people who are PAYING for  the free stuff, are being mean, prejudiced, and  racist.

So…
The people who are GETTING the free  stuff, have been convinced they need to hate the people who are paying for  the free stuff, by the people who are forcing some  people to pay for their free stuff, and giving them the free stuff in the  first place.

We have let the free stuff giving go on for so long that there are Now more people getting free stuff than  paying for the free  stuff.

Now understand this. All great  democracies have committed financial suicide somewhere between 200 and 250 years after being founded. The reason: The voters figured out they could vote themselves money from the treasury by electing people who promised to give them money from the treasury in exchange for electing  them.

The United States officially became  a Republic in 1776, 231 years ago. The number of people  now getting free stuff outnumbers the  people paying for the free stuff. We have one chance to change  that in  2012.

Failure to change that spells the end of the United States as we know  it.

ELECTION 2012 IS  COMING 

A Nation of Sheep Breeds a  Government of Wolves! 

Let’s Take a Stand!!!


Obama: Gone!

Borders: Closed!

Language: English  only

Culture: Constitution, and the Bill of  Rights!

Drug  Free: Mandatory Drug Screening before  Welfare!

NO freebies to: Non-Citizens!

We the people are  coming!

 

 SIGH!

Welcome to the first of many boring Wednesdays in our future. The way I see it we have like two & a half months of steady cold wet &/or snowy dreary boredom until St Patrick’s Day without a decent holiday excuse for a party. If that’s not a depressing thought I don’t know what is! Oh well at least I’ve the mid season TV show premiers to look forward to.

Well before this ambivalence proves contagious I guess we should get on with it huh? 

 

 

A Modern Fable

A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, “How much for the bronze rat?”

“Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, $100 for the story,” said the old Chinaman.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story”.

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster. A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown .

“Ahhh,” said the owner, “You have come back for story?”

“No, sir.” said the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat.”

 

 

Speaking of high cholesterol and calories, here’s a little pin up drool item for all the guys down at Impish’s local cop shop and prison

For those discriminating  police palates among you who are wondering, its a maple glaze holding the bacon on. 

From where I stand when it comes to the Occupy Movement,…

this pretty much says it all!

Good job at Lambeau Field

Monday night 11/14/2011 at Lambeau Field

 

This is what ESPN failed to show you Monday night, 11/14/2011.

Apparently, they thought their commercials were more important than

showing this scene for about 5 seconds.

Black Eyed Peas

The Real Story is much more interesting and has gone untold in fear that feelings would be hurt. It’s a story of war, the most brutal and bloody war, military might and power pushed upon civilians, women, children and elderly. Never seen as a war crime, this was the policy of the greatest nation on earth trying to maintain that status at all costs. An unhealed wound remains in the hearts of some people of the southern states even today; on the other hand, the policy of slavery has been an open wound that has also been slow to heal but is okay to talk about.

The story of *THE BLACK EYED PEA* being considered good luck relates directly back to Sherman ‘s Bloody March to the Sea in late 1864. It was called The Savannah Campaign and was lead by Major General William T. Sherman. The Civil War campaign began on 11/15/64 when Sherman’s troops marched from the captured city of Atlanta , Georgia , and ended at the port of Savannah on 12/22/1864. When the smoke cleared, the southerners who had survived the onslaught came out of hiding. They found that the blue belly aggressors that had looted and stolen everything of value and everything you could eat including all livestock, death and destruction were everywhere. While in hiding, few had enough to eat, and starvation was now upon the survivors. There was no international aid, no Red Cross meal trucks. The Northern army had taken everything they could carry and eaten everything they could eat. But they couldn’t take it all. The devastated people of the south found for some unknown reason that Sherman’s bloodthirsty troops had left silos full of black eyed peas. At the time in the north, the lowly black eyed pea was only used to feed stock. The northern troops saw it as the thing of least value. Taking grain for their horses and livestock and other crops to feed themselves, they just couldn’t take everything. So they left the black eyed peas in great quantities assuming it would be of no use to the survivors, since all the livestock it could feed had either been taken or eaten. Southerners awoke to face a new year in this devastation and were facing massive starvation if not for the good luck of having the black eyed peas to eat. From New Years Day 1866 forward, the tradition grew to eat black eyed peas on New Year’s Day for good luck.”

 

STROMBOLI STICKS

Yields: 10 sticks

1 package (13.8 oz) refrigerated pizza crust
10 mozzarella cheese sticks
30 thin slices pepperoni
1 jar (1 lb. 10 oz) pasta sauce, heated

Preheat oven to 425°. Grease baking sheet; set aside.
Roll pizza crust into 13 x 10-inch rectangle. Cut in half crosswise, then cut each half into 5 strips.
Arrange 1 cheese stick on each piece of pizza crust, then top with 3 slices pepperoni. Fold edges over, sealing tightly.
Arrange stromboli sticks on prepare baking sheet, seam side down. Bake 15 minutes or until golden. Serve with Pasta Sauce, heated, for dipping.

First let me observe that the size of the mozzarella sticks varies greatly from brand to brand both in length and diameter. We used a store brand cheese stick and I wound up cutting them in half the long way and found this ample cheese per stick so you’ll need to use a little common sense and kitchen wisdom here.

  There are a WHOLE bunch of variation possibilities with this recipe. Substitute Prosciutto or Capicola for the Pepperoni.  Roast Beef and Provolone with a little blend of mayo and horseradish or beef consume for dipping would yield a Philly Cheese Steak or French Dip. Ham and Cheddar? More better! Diced cooked Chicken tossed with a little of your favorite hot sauce and Blue Cheese with a little Ranch Dressing for Dipping for a Buffalo Chicken. Pastrami and Swiss with a little Thousand Islands and mayo dip gets you a Ruben. A slice of Black Forrest Ham, A slice of Deli Chicken and some Swiss and you have a classic cordon bleu. Thin some cranberry sauce with Dijon mustard and a little OJ for a killer dipping sauce.

These are a fantastic accompaniment to a bowl of simple soup on a cold blustery day!

Speaking of soups, here are a few simple and fast soups you can have done in nearly the same time as the stromboli sticks!

4 Ingredient 30 Minute or Less Soups

Spinach & Tortellini Soup

Boxed chicken stock
Fresh cheese tortellini (we used Buitoni)
Bagged baby spinach
Parmesan cheese

Bring 4 cups stock and 1 cup water to a boil in a large saucepan. Reduce heat, add a 9-ounce package of tortellini, and simmer until pasta is tender, about 6 minutes. Stir in a 6-ounce package of baby spinach and cook until just wilted. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Ladle soup into 4 bowls, and shave or grate Parmesan over top. Serves 4.

NUTRITION (per serving) 249 cal, 16 g pro, 36 g carb, 4 g fiber, 5 g fat, 2.5 g sat fat, 839 mg sodium

=====

Roasted Red Pepper & Sweet Corn Soup

Roasted red pepper and tomato soup (we used Pacific Natural Foods Organic)
Frozen sweet corn kernels
Basil pesto (refrigerated pasta case or pasta aisle)
Low-fat plain Greek-style yogurt

Combine 4 cups soup, 1 1/2 cups corn kernels, and 2 Tbsp pesto in a large saucepan. Cover and bring just to boiling. Reduce heat and simmer, partially covered, 3 minutes. Ladle into 4 bowls and top each with a dollop of yogurt. Serves 4.

Variation: Substitute Black bean Salsa for the Basil Pesto and a small drained can of Mexi-corn (suggest Green Giant) for the frozen corn.
=====

Steak, Potato, and Vegetable Soup

Beef stir-fry strips (meat case)
Boxed beef stock (we recommend Kitchen Basics)
Refrigerated diced potatoes with onion (we used Simply Potatoes)
Frozen soup vegetables

Heat 1 Tbsp oil in a pot over medium-high heat. Add 1 pound beef strips and sprinkle with 2 Tbsp flour. Cook, stirring, until browned, 3 minutes. Add 1/4 tsp salt. Stir in 2 cups water, scraping bottom of pot. Add 4 cups stock, 2 cups potatoes, and 2 cups vegetables. Reduce heat. Simmer until potatoes are tender, 15 minutes. Add 1 Tbsp Worcestershire sauce, 1/4 tsp pepper, and salt to taste. Serves 4.

NUTRITION (per serving) 323 cal, 33 g pro, 26 g carb, 3 g fiber, 8.5 g fat, 2.5 g sat fat, 859 mg sodium

A little Monterey Jack and some garlic powder are all the stromboli stick that goes with this needs! I substitute a can of unsalted petite diced tomatoes for the 2 cups of water and rinse the can with a little water adding it to the soup to make up the difference.

 

 

 

 

 

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.”

 

Part II of Answers to some of the Eternal Questions:

 

Why Do Women have two Hands?

Why Do Men have two Hands?

Hopefully you’ll have a few less sleepless nights pondering these great and weighty questions now.

 

Most of us already instinctively knew these rules, but it is nice to see them written down.

International Rules of Manhood

– Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

– It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) when a heroic dog dies to save its master;
(b) after wrecking his boss’s car; or
(c) one hour, twelve minutes, thirty-seven seconds into “The Crying Game.”

– Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

– Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within twelve hours.

– If you’ve known a guy for more than twenty-four hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

– Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature
is unsuitable.

– No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering his buddy’s
birthday is strictly optional. At that point, he must celebrate at a bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

– On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

– When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may
never ask who’s playing.

– It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach, it’s delivered by a
gorgeous woman, and it’s free.

– Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy.

– Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

– If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem; you didn’t see anything.

– Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the
game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

– A man in the company of an extremely attractive woman must remain sober enough to fight.

– Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just greedy.

– Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours.

– It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

– Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange, or sky blue.

– The woman who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I
want!” gets a PS3. End of story.

– There is no reason for guys to watch ice skating or men’s gymnastics. Ever.

 

A lady golfer visits a driving range to tone up before a game. She is about to drive her first ball off the mat when she notices the man next to her.

“Pardon me, sir” she said. “You are aiming in the wrong direction -back towards the golf shop.”

“Oy! – tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn’t know. I’m half blind.” He then turned around and started hitting out into the range. After a few minutes, he asked the lady how he was doing.

“Not bad,” she answered. “Most of your shots are straight and fairly long. Only a few of them are slicing.”

“Tanks, again, Miss,” he replied. “Vitout you telling, I vouldn’t know dese tings.”

A few shots later, he inquired again. “Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?”

“Not at all,” she replied.

“I don’t do vell vit the ladies. Am I ugly or fett or vat ?”

“You’re quite presentable,” she replied. “I don’t think that is your problem.

Smiling now, he exulted, “Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you.”

He was about to hit another ball when the girl interrupted him. “Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?” she asked.
“Vit gladness, dank gott. All the help you got I vill take,” he  answered.

“Get rid of your Jewish accent,” she replied. ” …..You’re Chinese.”

 

NFO: Old Time Radio Programs

Old-time radio is a lot of fun. You’ll find free, legal old-time radio programs online. The Internet Archive has a large selection of old radio programs such as Sherlock Holmes, Dragnet and World War II news broadcasts.
You can download the episodes in MP3 format. They’ll work on any music player, smartphone or computer. Or you can burn them to CD for listening in the car.  http://www.archive.org/details/oldtimeradio

(Thanks to K-Squared for this little chestnut)

 

For Gailwynds331…

Oh behalf of the staff of DragonLaffs Enterprises LLP and as the resident Dr. of Quackery I wish you a speedy recovery!

Oh we also dug up this new board game for you to play while recovering to keep you from getting bored!

The Unauthorized Obama Boardgame

he political boardgame, Spread the Wealth Around, exists to train you bitter clingers to practice the art of class warfare, dodge death panels, cheat on your taxes and do your small part to increase our national debt.

Choose membership in one of four organizations: Public Service, ObamaCare, Big Labor or Wall Street. From your perch atop the ruling class, you’ll bankrupt other players, drag them before show trials, carve them up in unnecessary surgery or just get one of your big labor goons to wack ‘em in Rocko Roulette.

Rather than accumulate wealth in Spread the Wealth Around, you’ll rack up mountains of debt – just like Obama’s America. Scam dead people and collect their Social Security in Public Office. Unplug granny and play the lawsuit lottery in ObamaCare. Gamble and go burnin’ and lootin’ with Big Labor. Cut in line for your Wall Street bailout – it’s all for the children.

Spread the Wealth Around is the perfect gift to cure that troglodyte Republican friend or conservative relation. No need for sensitivity training or coaching on tax and spend Obamanomics. Put away those teacher’s union pamphlets and Mao’s little red book. Play the political game that’s making the world safe for socialism!

Do you believe everything you see in the mainstream media, or just feel like you missed out on Cash for Clunkers and ACORN brothels? Do you want to take other people’s money for the nanny state and social justice? You’ll play this political game like any pro in Washington.

Why earn when you can spend? Why work when you can party? You don’t have to be an assistant deputy undersecretary for central planning to get too big to fail – you just have to Spread the Wealth Around! If you never let a crisis go to waste, then leave behind the little people in the tea party, and get your green job aboard the high speed train to the ruling class.

Prosperity is just another government program away, so don’t wait for global warming and the next ice age before playing the ultimate boardgame for Bamster bureacrats. Like the deficit and gas prices, there’s no where to go but up! It’s time to reward your friends, punish your enemies and get your fair share of stimulus money.

It’s time to Spread the Wealth Around

http://www.spreadthewealthgame.com/

This seemed like a good follow on to this feature above  due to the question/ complaint I received recently:

 

Hey Lethal

I’m Canadian like more than a few readers. We really don’t care about American politics, so why do you harp on them so much and bash your President so bad? You say you’re not a Conservative but you bash him like one and in almost every issue.

How about sticking to just the humor for the sake of your foreign readership?

(signed)

Gotta Go Da Sheetrock She’s Here

OK so obviously I changed the name to protect the Canadian among us from being buried alive in fan mail from liberal American readers.

First of all “Gotta Go”, let me start off with reason one, which is the political commentary and Obama bashing is going to continue until you recall Justin Beber to Canada and keep him on your side of the damned border and off American television! Same thing goes for Celine Dion. Further if you ever allow those to to breed we will be attacking you with Nancy Pelosi’s face visuals accompanied by Price soundtracks.

Secondly its our god given right as Americans to participate in complain about and make fun of our government and political process because unlike you we kicked England’s backsides and got away from the Constitutional Monarchy of Moronic Monkey Heads (YES that was a Prince Charles dig). Both Impish and I care very deeply about the country we both have fought for and her core values and are doing what we can with in our limited abilities to be a positive but humorous force for returning us to the right path.

One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.~ Plato

Lastly and most importantly to me, I do it because I am deathly afraid of the possibility of what Obama could do with 4 more years in office to this country. My visions of that run along these lines and scare me almost nightly:

And frankly as far as I’m concerned that alone is reason enough.

Thanks for writing in!

 

Well here it is not even 15 days into the New Year and I’m already testing the limits of one of my resolutions, namely to limit how often I get worked up run a rant and preach to the choir. In my defense I can only say this rant would not be necessary as a voice of reason were it not for the bleeding heart liberals with their heads up the asses and the happy to sensationalize anything in the name of ratings and controversy (which means of course more news and in turn more ratings)

Brownsville mom is seeking answers in death of her son

911 call shows tension before school shooting.

By Lynn Brezosky and Jason Buch, lbrezosky@express-news.net  http://www.chron.com/news/state/article/Brownsville-mom-is-seeking-answers-in-death-of-2443734.php?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+houstonchronicle%2Ftopheadlines+%28chron.com+-+Top+Stories%29&utm_content=Google+International

BROWNSVILLE — The mother of a 15-year-old student shot and killed by police after he refused to drop a pellet gun said Thursday she wanted officers to come to her with their hands on their hearts and give her honest answers about how her son died.

“I saw the wounds, in the chest, in the heart,” Noralva Gonzalez said, sobbing outside the family’s small frame home as her husband, Jaime Gonzalez Sr., held her. “I’m not crazy. He was hit in the head, from behind. He was a boy, like any boy. They didn’t have the right to do that.”

A 911 recording released by police Thursday to the Brownsville Herald reveals the tense moments when officers confronted Jaime Gonzalez Jr.

Over and over, officers can be heard telling the eighth-grader to put the weapon on the floor.

As officers arrive, the assistant principal who made the call says Gonzalez is drawing the weapon. A moment later, police yell that Gonzalez is running through the hall.

Someone can be heard yelling that the student says he’s willing to die. And an administrator is heard yelling, “Lock the door.”

Brownsville Police Chief Orlando Rodriguez said that when the teen pointed the gun at officers, they shot back.

The weapon turned out to be a CO₂-powered .177-caliber pellet pistol that police said resembled a Glock-type semiautomatic handgun.

The teen’s parents on Thursday questioned the lethal action.

“Why was so much excess force used on a minor?” asked the boy’s father. “Three shots. Why not one that would bring him down?”

Thomas Aveni, executive director of the Police Policy Studies Council and an expert on police use of force, said the Supreme Court has ruled that if an officer believes he or she is in danger, deadly force is justified, regardless of other factors. Officers don’t have time to think about how old a gunman is when it appears they, or bystanders, are in danger, he said.

“If the officer reasonably believes life is in imminent danger, it doesn’t matter how old is the person who has the gun,” Aveni said.

The courts also have ruled that hindsight doesn’t matter, he said. If officers believed the gun was real, they are justified in using deadly force even if it turned out to be a pellet gun, Aveni said.

Trying to shoot someone in the leg or arm is a bad idea, Aveni said, because it’s difficult and because a bullet striking the arm or leg is potentially lethal anyway.

Deadly force justified

While members of the public may wonder why police can’t use stun guns or other nonlethal weapons, Geoffrey Alpert, a professor of criminology at the University of South Carolina who’s been studying police shootings for 25 years, said that when confronted with a gun, officers have little choice.

“It’s a very tragic situation, but any reasonable police officer would have fired,” Alpert said. “I feel bad for the family, but I feel horrible for the police officer. He had to shoot a young boy.”

Meanwhile, an area civil rights group was demanding a thorough investigation.

The South Texas Civil Rights Project released a statement calling for Brownsville police to conduct an investigation in 30 days, hire an expert on the use of deadly force, institute “de-escalation policy and training” and involve parents from the Brownsville Independent School District in the investigation and new policies and training.

The two officers involved in the shooting are on administrative leave.

Cummings Middle School, where the shooting happened, was closed Thursday. It’s scheduled to open today. About 250 sixth-, seventh- and eighth-grade students and staff went to Breeden Elementary School for classes Thursday, and 17 counselors from the district’s crisis intervention team were on hand, a spokeswoman said.

At the teen’s home, family arranged photos and memorabilia documenting his life. A banner with his photograph hung on the front of the home. His band uniform — he was a drum major and band captain — was prominently displayed.

His mother clutched a rosary as she spoke to a parade of reporters, at one point retreating into the home with her husband and wailing in pain.

Noralva Gonzalez said she got a call Wednesday saying something had happened at school and that her son was in the hospital.

When she arrived, doctors tried to break the news gently, but she said she already knew.

“I just told them, ‘Tell me.’ Be truthful,” she said.

She said she took pictures of her son’s body with her cell phone, to document the bullet wounds. She refused to sign forms the police gave her. She and her husband plan to look for a lawyer.

The two officers involved in the shooting are on administrative leave.

No problems

His family said Gonzalez had not been having problems at school and had no enemies they knew of. They described a thoughtful and caring young man. On Wednesday, his parents said, the day began like any other. He rose at 6:30 a.m., got ready for school, and exchanged blessings with his parents.

“His goal was always to be something and buy his mother a new house,” Jaime Sr. said.

He said their son had dreamed of a career in law enforcement.

“He wanted to be a Texas Ranger or state trooper or go to the military, be a Marine. Now he can’t. He’s not here anymore.”

 OK before I get on a roll let me state that I agree this IS a senseless and needless tragedy. Anytime a young life is lost in such and easily avoidable incident is it regrettable and a cause for sorrow

That having been said about the ONLY other point I agree with here is that the cops had little to no choice a split second to make a decision and were TOTALLY justified in their decision to use and application of lethal force.

Anything else here ladies and gentlemen is quite frankly utter and total aggrandizing bullshit. The kid failed to heed the orders of the police officers, given to him several times. Officers I might point out that had their weapons out and were pointing them at him while confronting him in an aggressive and hostile manner. Since nothing has been said to the contrary we can reasonably assume that  the officers were in full uniform leaving no doubt as to their identities and positions of authority over Jamie.

Jamie chose not only not to heed the orders of these officers but apparently to begin lifting the gun and point it at the officers before one or more opened fire on him killing him. Quite frankly in the mind of any sane non minority card playing person that kid got exactly what he was pushing for and deserved for threatening police officers and his fellow students safety.

THAT is speaking it plain and the bottom line here. This kid brought a gun to a school which I’m SURE has a zero tolerance for weapons policy, waved it at and pointed it at fellow students, drew it out when he heard the officers, ran from the office in what could only be an attempt to avoid the police, stated that he was prepared to die,  failed &/or refused to follow police orders when corners to put the gun down and finally demonstrated a clear intention to place the lives of the police officers in such danger as to cause them to consider the use of deadly force. By my count that’s at LEAST seven strikes, just how many swings is he allowed before police are justified in neutralizing the threat?

Here are two pictures, one is an eight shot .177 cal CO2 pellet pistol, relatively more or  less harmless, the other is of an actual Glock 17 9MM handgun which holds 18 rounds when fully loaded with its standard clip. With optional  high capacity clips 20 and 35 rounds are achievable. Can you tell them apart well enough and at a quick glance to bet YOUR life on? What about the lives of your children or grandchildren?

No? I didn’t think so, but that’s what the parents and the ambulance chasing South Texas Civil Rights Project are saying the police should have been able to do. Under stress. By looking at the business end and what little they could see of it not covered by his hand. All in under approximately five seconds, as Jamie was raising it to point at one of them in an environment where if he missed the officer (a fair possibility that not all the shots or even most of the shots fired at the officer would hit him) those misses would penetrate walls and possibly kill students of facility hiding on the other side. Remember if that weapon IS real AND full he has 18 chances to kill or seriously injure someone or very possibly multiple some ones.

Oh Lethal! You are simply over stating the situation and guilty of the same sensationalism you accuse the media of you say? OH REALLY? SERIOUSLY? You think so? Well I don’t and I’m going to tell you why.

Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, anyone recognize those 2 names? Anyone at all? Possibly someone say from Colorado? Of Harris, it was remarked that he was “a very bright individual who is likely to succeed in life”, while Klebold was said to be intelligent, Sounds just like Jamie doesn’t it? Well boys and girls these two, ages 18 & 17 (very close to Jamie’s age) are responsible for what has become known as the Columbine High School massacre! On April20th 1999 in a short 23 minutes they managed to 12 students and 1 teacher. They also injured 21 other students in the fourth-deadliest school massacre in United States history, after the 1927 Bath School disaster, 2007 Virginia Tech massacre, and the 1966 University of Texas massacre, and the deadliest for an American high school.

STILL think I am overstating in favor of the police officers? Not any more? I didn’t think so. The “we’re sorry Lethal you were right” line forms just to the left of Impish over there and try to make your apologies sincere and different from each other please. The bleeding hearts and liberal who still thing the big bad cops stomped all over the poor minority Hispanic boy and should have endangered their own lives and the welfare of their families rather than use deadly force should queue up to Impish’s right side in the “Kiss Lethal’s Bloody Arse “ line.

You want someone to blame over this? I have two nominees for you the parents for being deficient in their raising of Jamie because as someone posted it so succinctly in the comment section of one of the articles,

The death was definitely “needless” – My parents raised me in such a way that I knew damn well not to bring ANY WEAPON be it a pistol, a bb gun, or a pocket knife into a school. I also knew, well before 8th grade mind you, that if a police officer gives you instructions you follow them. Thanks Mom & Dad

ergo if he did not know that and did not understand the consequences of not following the rules and obeying police officers the parents were not doing a proper job of rising him and are at least partly responsible for his death. QUICK CALL CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES! WHISK ALL THE OTHER CHILDREN OUT OF THE HOUSE AS THIS IS CLEAR EVIDNCE OF INDIFFERENT AND NEGLIGENT CHILD REARING AND OTHER CHILDREN IN THE HOUSECOULD BE IN DANGER OF THE SAME THING HAPPENING!

What? That only works for overweight children or when a LIBERAL decides you aren’t doing a good job? They are a minority and should be subject to a different set of rules and special allowances from “regular” folks? NOT BLOODY BUGGERING LIKELY! I’ve been all over this world and in a LOT of non English speaking countries and I can tell you from experience that certain things are universal. Stopping on command for police offers , making yourself non threatening and complying with their  orders when they have weapons drawn and pointed in your direction would be two of those universal things. The knowledge that if you make then feel unsafe they WILL shoot you would be a third one.

The second nominee for culpable responsibility in this is our Federal Government. See, federal law requires pellet and BB guns be sold with orange bands around their barrel tips to make them easily and quickly distinguishable from actual firearms. Hell even the solid rubber guns police use in the course of training in how to disarm an armed suspect are bright red or orange.  However in their infinite “wisdom” (Impish we need housekeeping here immediately, the sarcasm dripping off that word is making the floor slick) crafted a law that allows for some exceptions. Well Jamie had one of those exceptions in his hands and it along with all his other actions got him killed.

In summation there are only three things the Brownsville Police need “to come to her with their hands on their hearts and give her honest answers about” (don’t EVEN get me started on the audacity of THAT line!) is:

1.) their sorrow for her loss,

2.)their disappointment that her son was not raised and taught better than to threaten children with weapons and point them at police officers, and

3,)their regret that they will have to fight her frivolous money grubbing lawsuit with innocent taxpayer dollars.

 I AM the Lethal Leprechaun and I say–

1.) First and foremost given the constraints that liberals, bleeding hearts and people like this victims mother have place on police PLUS the real threat of lawsuits for any little thing they might do wrong while in personal grave danger and fear for their lives we are GOD FREAKING DAMNED LUCKY we have ANYONE willing to do the job at all!

1,b) For all of you who ARE insane enough to pick up that badge & gun while placing your life on the line everyday to Protect & Serve THANK YOU, GOD BLESS YOU, MAY SAINT MICHAEL KEEP YOU SAFE  and rest assured of my continued membership AS WELL AS PARTICAPATION in the 100 Club.

2.) STOP, POLICE! (personally I think its high time that comma comes out of that line) IS NOT BLOODY SUGGESTION! Fail to comply and you deserve what even you get to bring you into compliance.

3.) While carrying a concealed weapon is a constitutionally protected right once you reach the age of majority all those who do so RESPONSIBLY recognize three things:

a.) there are places and times that carrying is wholly unsafe and inappropriate in light of the greater good.

b.) If you chose to carry irresponsibly you are going to have to deal with some potentially aggressive and hostile police officers because of your actions and what happens to you as a result of that is SOLELY your fault.

c.) The simple act of carrying a concealed weapon automatically raises your potential threat level in the eyes of any police officer dealing with you until he had rendered that weapon safe and secure for the remaining time he deals with you. Hesitate or fail to comply with his instructions in his attempt to render the weapon harmless and make the encounter safe and you are in effect threatening him and his safety. Again the responsibility for what happens rests WHOLLY on your head up to and including his decision to use deadly force.

  Until next time!

I’d like to start out by thanking Impish for agreeing to swap days with me this week to make my life just a little easier. Especially since I didn’t exactly tell him what it was I was doing that I could not get Leprechaun Laughs out in time for Wednesday.

As usual he only got things part right. I was down south close like to the border with some friends, but we were not playing “catch and release” with illegals, we were hunting big game. See its Zeta Cartel Member Season down around Falcon Lake and we were looking for trophy mounts. The only tequila involved was the stuff we were putting out as bait.

I had to leave my friends a little early however and before I got a trophy unfortunately. That was when Impish chose to call and I told him I was indisposed and could not talk. He took that to mean I was in the head and asked me to call him back when I was done which I neglected to do and that’s where his fantasy yarn starts spinning on about me and the Revenge of Montezuma’’’ from bad tequila. In truth there is a higher percentage chance of me voting Liberal Democrat than my drinking tequila of any brand type or age.

Actually I was out at Boeing picking up my new heavily customized 787 Dreamliner ‘Shamrock One’.’” Here is a preproduction engineering rendering of my new darling of the air:

I didn’t want to mention it to Impish because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings (He thinks I LIKE hanging on for dear life in his back in bad weather while he loses all sense of direction altitude and attitude), didn’t want to depress him that I had raked in that much more than he had in 2011 that I could afford to trade in the G-5 for something a little roomier and I DEFINATELY didn’t want him asking for a ride or if he could borrow it until the “new jet smell” wears off. Dragons have a rather pervasive scent about them (primarily sulphur and brimstone) and I paid HUGE amounts of gold for that new plane smell so I plan on getting my moneys worth out of it.

YES Impish you’ll eventually get a private ride. NO you cannot borrow it- unless that is you can afford to pay for the fuel, my crew and airport fees out of YOUR pocket.

 

Now that’s what I call a heavenly cup of coffee!

 

Wondering what the New Year will bring? Me too!

GROUNDHOG DAY 2012

In the coming New Year, 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.

This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.

The other involves a groundhog.

 

For all you D&D and RPG fans out there

 

Sent to me by Lynn, The Three Little Pigs like you have NEVER heard it told, in PROPER Kings English

John Branyan – The Three Little Pigs

 

The Top 5 Predicted Headlines for 2012

5> “Occupy: Wallstreet” Movement Celebrates First Anniversary
With Huge Public Gathering
4> Obama Wins Election by Default After “Rogue” Predator Drones
Take Out All Republican Candidates
3> Assad Steps Assad
2> Millions in Tijuana Without Power as Mayan End-of-Calendar
Bug Hits Mexican Computers
and The Number 1 Predicted Headline for 2012…
1> Nobel Prize Awarded to Discoverer of Cure for Bieber Fever
[ Copyright 2011 by Chris White/TopFive.com ]

 

The REAL Story Behind the Mayan Calendar Mystery

Pitbull vs Kitten

Wait till it gets to the hallway scene, you WILL bust out laughing!

http://www.wimp.com/pitbullkitten/

Walter Dixon Charged With DUI After Falling Asleep In McDonald’s Drive-Thru

A Tennessee man was arrested early Sunday after he allegedly fell asleep in the drive-thru of the Rock ‘N Roll McDonald’s in downtown Chicago.

Walter Dixon, 31, was allegedly drunk when he pulled into the McDonald’s drive-thru at 600 N. Clark St. in the city’s River North neighborhood around 6:13 a.m. on New Year’s Day, Fox Chicago reports.

When police arrived to check on the driver, they found open containers of alcohol in his black Volvo SUV. When they asked Dixon whether he needed medical attention or an ambulance, he reportedly declined but added that he “just wanted another McDonald’s sandwich,” according to the Chicago Tribune.

Dixon took a Breathalyzer test and police found his blood-alcohol content to be .207, far above the legal limit of .08, the Tribune reports.

Dixon was charged with driving under the influence, driving on a revoked license and attempting to mislead officers about his identity, according to Fox.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/03/walter-dixon-dui-mcdonalds_n_1180954.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003

They apparently forgot to charge him with criminal stupidity or to offer him treatment for his apparent McDonalds addiction!

 

NOW WHO CAN ARGUE WITH THAT?

Mark Thomas Wach, 43, of Palm City, Fla., was unclear why he was being taken to jail. Yes, he perhaps got drunk
and shot his lawnmower. Yes, maybe he pulled a shotgun on his son after the 18-year-old wrestled his pistol from him. And yes, it may have taken three shocks from a sheriff’s deputy’s Taser to get him under control and into handcuffs. But “He then stated that he shoots in the yard all the time and that fighting is what redneck people do,” the resulting incident report notes. (RC/Port St. Lucie News)

…Well, taking drunken belligerent ignorant of the law Rednecks to jail is what cops do! Well that and keep the donut population of the world in check.

READY, FIRE, AIM!

A hospital emergency room summoned sheriff’s deputies, as required for all gunshot wound cases. Ethan Bennett, 36, of Monroe,
Ore., admitted his was self-inflicted — but it was an accident. He had been trying to shoot a squirrel, he told deputies, and before he could pull the trigger on his .22 rifle, the animal ran up his leg. Then he pulled the trigger, and shot himself in the foot. The squirrel survived, and Bennett drove himself to the hospital. “The squirrel scared him,” an investigator said. Bennett refused to speak with reporters. (RC/Corvallis Gazette-Times)

…Yeah, pretty much the smartest thing he could do by then is to keep his mouth shut.

 

THE REAL QUESTION IS, WHO CALLED THE AMBULANCE?

An ambulance crew called police in Newport, Tenn., because of the nature of a man’s injury.
Scott K. Kelly, 38, had allegedly stabbed himself with a meat thermometer, and sure enough, police observed a small hole in his
abdomen. When officers asked Kelly why he did it, he allegedly replied that he wanted to see if he was “done or not.” (RC/Newport Plain Talk)

…No matter what the thermometer said, I think he’s done. Someone stick a fork in him next.

FAT GOVERNMENT:

A juvenile court was to decide — on a Cleveland Heights, Ohio, boy’s ninth birthday — whether the boy would go back to his
family, friends, and school. The boy’s crime? He weighs over 200 pounds. Because his mother couldn’t get his weight down, a spokeswoman for the local child services department said, the agency snatched him.
Juvenile public defender Sam Amata said the boy was an honor-roll student who took part in school activities. The boy’s mother said she tried to follow doctors’ recommendations and stop her son from eating food other kids might have supplied. (AC/Cleveland Plain Dealer)

…If you laugh at fears of a mandate to eat Brussels sprouts, just remember: First they came for the fat kids.

ALL WET:

Regulators at the European Union were asked to rule on an advertising claim. After three years of investigation, during which
time they consulted 21 experts, they ruled that no, companies cannot make the claim that drinking water can prevent dehydration, and if a company makes such a claim, someone will be risking two years in jail.
The ruling left politicians fuming. “The euro is burning, the EU is falling apart and yet here they are: highly-paid, highly-pensioned
officials worrying about the obvious qualities of water and trying to deny us the right to say what is patently true,” complained MEP Roger Helmer. But the EU wasn’t done: weeks later, they also ruled that
prunes don’t have a laxative effect. (RC/London Telegraph)

…Well no wonder they’re so full of themselves over there! 

 

Air Show Disaster

Amazing photos below show great detail!

The pilot, at low level, had no control over his aircraft.

It narrowly missed a crowd gathered for the air show and slammed into four buildings.
One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

 

I’ll bet it scared the shit right out of them!

 

 

Powerball tickets to double in price

Single ticket will double to $2 beginning Jan. 15

Author: By Brad Lendon CNN  Published On: Jan 02 2012 07:55:50 AM CST Updated On: Jan 03 2012 01:44:22 AM CST

CNN) –

Lottery players, your chance for millions is about to cost you twice as much.

The Multi-State Lottery Association, which administers the Powerball game, says the price of a single ticket will double to $2 beginning January 15.

“After 20 years at the same price and after watching scratch ticket sales take off with $2, $3, $5, $10, $20, and even $50 tickets, we are going to make the big jump,” the association says on its website.

When the price increases, jackpots will start at $40 million, up from $20 million now, and will increase twice as fast, lottery officials say. The average jackpot is predicted to be $255 million, nearly double the current $141 million. The lottery association hopes that will increase sales.

“We know that most folks play for the big jackpots and this game will have more of those more often,” it says on its website.

Officials say the odds of winning the jackpot will decrease slightly as the number of red balls, or powerballs, will decrease from 39 to 35.

They also say the pricier game should produce more millionaires, as second prize — for matching the five white balls without the powerball — increases from $200,000 to $1 million.

Officials say the cost of a single ticket for the MegaMillions game, drawn on Tuesday and Fridays, will remain at $1. Forty states plus the District of Columbia and the U.S. Virgin Islands participate in MegaMillions

The lesson here people, or the point which ever you prefer, is go but NOW for the next 10 drawings on a single ticket it will cost you $10 but you will save a $1 per ticket on those drawings after the 15th and still get the upgraded prizes if you win! Personally I’m going to see if I cannot get the cash together to buy one for the next 104 drawings, that covers an entire year at the old price of the new drawings. Go get yours quick before some dumb politician smartens up to this loophole!

 

 

Answers to some of the Eternal Questions:

Why do Women Live Longer than Men?

We’ll pick this back up on Wednesday with my regular issue of Leprechaun Laughs

 

 

 

 

 

 

BE CAREFUL OUT THERE!

Today’s very important PSA comes to us from K-Squared who apparently has a great deal of experience with this particular peril as you’ll see by his comments at the end:

Warning for Older Men!

Clever Scam…warn your friends!!

This is very serious stuff!

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven’t heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as the holiday’s get closer. This is a ‘heads up’ for those men who may be regular Lowe’s, Home Depot, or Sam’s Club customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last couple weeks I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

Simply going out to get some simple Christmas gifts has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.

Here’s how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car dressed as Santa’s Helpers as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start helping you pack your stuff into your vehicle. What catches your eye is the very short bright Red Santa helper miniskirts they are wearing and the tight fitting Deep “V” neck red top shirt with their breasts almost falling out. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds to get some hot cocoa and a snack.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen Nov 24th, 26th 28th 29th, 30th, twice on Dec 1st, 2nd, and 3rd, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.!! What a horrible way to take advantage of older men during this holiday season. Warn your friends to be vigilant. These girls will not give up, they have proven it over and over again with me.

 

K-Squared goes on to advise us from his own experience:

By the way, Target has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at Wal-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I’ve already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe’s, Home Depot, Sam’s Club, Wal-Mart and Target.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

 

 

The following contains HARD FACTS and IRREFUTABLE LOGIC both of which are  known toxins to Democrats, Liberals, Gun Control Proponents, rich New York jackasses named Bloomberg and other rose colored sunglass wearers prone to flights of Neverland fancy.

 

40 Reasons to Ban Guns

A Liberal Looney Fairy Tale

1, Banning guns works, which is why New York, DC, Detroit & Chicago cops need guns.

2. Washington DC’s low murder rate of 80 per 100,000 is due to strict gun control, and Indianapolis’s high murder rate of 9 per 100,000 is due to the lack of gun control.

3. Statistics showing high murder rates justify gun control but statistics showing increasing murder rates after gun control are “just statistics.”

4. The Brady Bill and the Assault Weapons Ban, both of which went into effect in 1994 are responsible for the decrease in violent crime rates,which have been declining since 1991.

5. We must get rid of guns because a deranged lunatic may go on a shooting spree at any time and anyone who would own a gun out of fear of such a lunatic is paranoid.

6. The more helpless you are the safer you are from criminals.

7. An intruder will be incapacitated by tear gas or oven spray, but if shot with a .357 Magnum will get angry and kill you.

8. A woman raped and strangled is morally superior to a woman with a smoking gun and a dead rapist at her feet.

9. When confronted by violent criminals, you should “put up no defense – give them what they want, or run” (Handgun Control Inc. Chairman Pete Shields, Guns Don’t Die – People Do, 1981, p. 125).

10. The New England Journal of Medicine is filled with expert advice about guns; just like Guns & Ammo has some excellent treatises on heart surgery.

11. One should consult an automotive engineer for safer seat belts, a civil engineer for a better bridge, a surgeon for internal medicine, a computer programmer for hard drive problems, and Sarah Brady for firearms expertise.

12. The 2nd Amendment, ratified in 1787, refers to the National Guard, which was created 130 years later, in 1917.

13. The National Guard, federally funded, with bases on federal land, using federally-owned weapons, vehicles, buildings and uniforms, punishing trespassers under federal law, is a “state” militia.

14. These phrases: “right of the people peaceably to assemble,” “right of the people to be secure in their homes,” “enumerations herein of certain rights shall not be construed to disparage others retained by the people,” and “The powers not delegated herein are reserved to the states respectively, and to the people” all refer to individuals, but “the right of the people to keep and bear arms” refers to the state.

15. “The Constitution is strong and will never change.” But we should ban and seize all guns thereby violating the 2nd, 4th, and 5th Amendments to that Constitution.

16. Rifles and handguns aren’t necessary to national defense! Of course, the army has hundreds of thousands of them.

17. Private citizens shouldn’t have handguns, because they aren’t “military weapons”, but private citizens shouldn’t have “assault rifles”, because they are military weapons.

18. In spite of waiting periods, background checks, fingerprinting, government forms, etc., guns today are too readily available, which is responsible for recent school shootings. In the 1940’s, 1950’s and 1960’s, anyone could buy guns at hardware stores, army surplus stores, gas stations, variety stores, Sears mail order, no waiting, no background check, no fingerprints, no government forms and there were no school shootings.

19. The NRA’s attempt to run a “don’t touch” campaign about kids handling guns is propaganda, but the anti-gun lobby’s attempt to run a “don’t touch” campaign is responsible social activity.

20. Guns are so complex that special training is necessary to use them properly, and so simple to use that they make murder easy.

21. A handgun, with up to 4 controls, is far too complex for the typical adult to learn to use, as opposed to an automobile that only has 20.

22. Women are just as intelligent and capable as men but a woman with a gun is “an accident waiting to happen” and gun makers’ advertisements aimed at women are “preying on their fears.”

23. Ordinary people in the presence of guns turn into slaughtering butchers but revert to normal when the weapon is removed.

24. Guns cause violence, which is why there are so many mass killings at gun shows.

25. A majority of the population supports gun control, just like a majority of the population supported owning slaves.

26. Any self-loading small arm can legitimately be considered to be a “weapon of mass destruction” or an “assault weapon.”

27. Most people can’t be trusted, so we should have laws against guns, which most people will abide by because they can be trusted.

28. The right of Internet pornographers to exist cannot be questioned because it is constitutionally protected by the Bill of Rights, but the use of handguns for self defense is not really protected by the Bill of Rights.

29. Free speech entitles one to own newspapers, transmitters, computers, and typewriters, but self- defense only justifies bare hands.

30. The ACLU is good because it uncompromisingly defends certain parts of the Constitution, and the NRA is bad, because it defends other parts of the Constitution.

31. Charlton Heston, a movie actor as president of the NRA was a cheap lunatic who should be ignored, but Michael Douglas, a movie actor as a representative of Handgun Control, Inc. is an ambassador for peace who is entitled to an audience at the UN arms control summit.

32. Police operate with backup within groups, which is why they need larger capacity pistol magazines than do “civilians” who must face criminals alone and therefore need less ammunition.

33. We should ban “Saturday Night Specials” and other inexpensive guns because it’s not fair that poor people have access to guns too.

34. Police officers have some special Jedi-like mastery over handguns that private citizens can never hope to obtain.

35. Private citizens don’t need a gun for self-protection because the police are there to protect them even though the Supreme Court says the police are not responsible for their protection.

36. Citizens don’t need to carry a gun for personal protection but police chiefs, who are desk-bound administrators who work in a building filled with cops, need a gun.

37. “Assault weapons” have no purpose other than to kill large numbers of people. The police need assault weapons. You do not.

38. When Microsoft pressures its distributors to give Microsoft preferential promotion, that’s bad; but when the Federal government pressures cities to buy guns only from Smith & Wesson, that’s good.

39. Trigger locks do not interfere with the ability to use a gun for defensive purposes, which is why you see police officers with one on their duty weapon.

40. Handgun Control, Inc., says they want to “keep guns out of the wrong hands.” Guess what? You have the wrong hands.

Guess I need to change that to read “Subjects Sheeple & Liberals”!

Good Morning Campers…yes, indeed, it is I, the immutable dragon, here on the first issue for 2012.  Now, before you think something hinky is going on, let me just say that this is a temporary gig for me, this Wednesday thing, because our dear Leprechaun is a bit under the weather at the moment and needs some recovery time.  Rumor has it that some of his Marine buddies got together for the new year and went down to our southern border and decided to do a little hunting.  The story goes that they are having so much fun down there playing catch and release with illegal aliens that they’ve extended their vacation.  Well, LL made the mistake of partaking of some tequila that wasn’t up to par and now he’s got a bad case of the galloping-never-get-overs and is home suffering the binge.  (The binge is similar to the bends, but different).  Anyway, you should probably see a special from him on Saturday while I work the weekend duty and then we’ll be back to norms next week.

The Year of the Dragon
23 January 2012 to 9 February 2013

Expect to see lots more about this in upcoming issues.  But for now, …

How about a few more New Year’s Resolutions?  Is it too late?  No?  Okay, let’s see, where did we leave off, oh yeah.

#9. I firmly resolve to enthusiastically greet all people when I see them:

#10.  Okay, this one is just wrong.  I resolve to stop doing this:

11. I resolutely resolve to not make rude and obtuse play on words with names and pictures …….after this one:

12.  I will give more of my off color engagements to my relatives, here’s cousin Bessie covering a gig for me:

Oh, come on!  I could’a been mean and said my ex-wife was covering it for me!  Now that’s hurtful!

13.  I will perform safety checks at ALL stages of production:

14. And speaking of safety, weapons safety is the most important of all and I will religiously check my weapon for a loaded round

In the interest of all things cool, here’s a short video on the USS Stennis

http://www.dump.com/2011/04/16/one-us-aircraft-carrier-has-a-more-powerful-air-force-than-70-of-all-countries-video/
This ship and her crew are amazing!

You don’t have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.

A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can´t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don’t get mad and buy another brand instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution – on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints and they were gaining market share. “That’s some money well spent!” – he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

It turns out; the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should´ve been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren’t picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes out of the belt and into a bin.

“Oh, that,” says one of the workers -“one of the guys put it there ´cause he was tired of walking over….. ‘every time the bell rang”.

Welcome back, Zack!

A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone’s attention. “Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?” he asks.
“What’s he look like?” asks one shoddy-looking cowboy.
“Well”, replies the Sheriff, “he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket.”
“So what’s he wanted for?” asks the same cowboy.
“Rustlin’.

Thanks to Rose for most of this compilation of hilarious “bar” jokes.  Also, the blame to Rose for this compilation of horrible “bar” jokes.

50 Bar Puns
1. A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”
The panda yells back at the bartender, “Hey man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!”
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

2. A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm. “Do you serve tax collectors?” he asks the barman.
“Of course,” says the bartender.
“Well,” replies the man, “I’ll have a beer, and my alligator will have a tax collector!”

3. Bacon and eggs walk into a bar after a long day of being Bacon and Eggs. They walk up to the bartender and ask for a beer.
The bartender takes one look at them and says, “Sorry fellas, we don’t serve breakfast.”

4. A chicken walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “I’m sorry we don’t serve poultry.”
The chicken replies, “That’s OK, I only want a drink.”

5. A man walks into a bar, climbs up on a stool, opens a bag and proceeds to stuff his ears with whipped cream and to spread strawberries in his hair.
The bartender watches this performance with amazement before asking, “What would you like to drink?”
“You’ll have to speak up,” replies the man. “I’m a trifle, hard of hearing.”

6. A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the maître d’ that there will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait in the bar.
He goes into the bar and the bartender says, “What’ll it be?”
The man replies, “Give me a Stoli with a twist.”
The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, “Once upon time was four little pig.”

7. 185 cakes walk into a bar.
The bartender shouts, “Get out! We don’t serve your kind here!”
To, which, the cakes reTORT, “Where else should we go?”
And not moving an inch. The bartender, tired of being egged on, replies, “I don’t care, I think there’s a place yeast of here!”

8. So, a snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, “I’ m sorry but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asks the snake.
The bartender says, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”

9. Drunk guy is sitting in a bar. There is a “very” buxom lady a few seats down. A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady’s breasts and spills all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of her breasts. This happens a couple more times.
The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him.
He’s laying on the floor and moans, “Why do you let the bartender do it?”
“Because he has a liquor license!”

10. This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.
“Four bucks,” says the bartender.
“Put it on my bill.”

11. Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.”
One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, “Why not?… We’re cultured individuals.”

12. I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.
The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.

13. A mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here.”
The mushroom replies, “Aw, c’mon. I’m a fungi.”

14. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p. m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!”
“No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender. “It’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”

15. A man walks into a bar, sits down, and tells the bartender, “Hey give me a free drink.”
The bartender looks at him and asks, “Why should I give you a free drink?”
The customer reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a tiny, 10 inch man and sets him carefully on the counter.
The bartender is amazed, and says, “Okay, that’s worth a free drink.” and proceeds to pour him one.
After the customer finishes, he asks for another free drink. The bartender tells him his little man was really cool, but was only worth one drink.
The customer then reaches into another pocket and pulled out a tiny piano and a bar stool, and the 10-inch man sits down and plays a beautiful melody.
The bartender listens and says, “That’s great, but it’s not worth a free drink.”
“Okay” the customer says, and pulls out a genie lamp. “Rub this and you can have any wish you want.”
The bartender does, the genie appears, and the bartender asks for a million bucks.”
Suddenly a million ducks appear. “Hey! I asked for a million bucks, not a million DUCKS!”
“That’s okay; I didn’t ask for a 10-inch pianist either!”

16. A baby seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks the seal what he would like.
The seal responds: Anything but Canadian Club on ice!

17. A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?”

18. A dog limps into a bar and says ” I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”

19. Two men walk into a bar. You would have thought the second one would have seen the first one do it.

20. A duck walks into a bar and asks “Got any crackers?” Bar tender says no. Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks, “Got any crackers?” Bar tender says no. Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers?
Bar tender says, “I told you yesterday and the day before that no! And if you ask that one more time I’ll nail your beak shut!” Duck walks out.
Duck comes back the next day and asks, “Got any nails?” bar tender says no.
Duck says “Good. Got any crackers?”

21. A Football and a baseball walk into a bar. The football says “You’re round!”

22. A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he could have some vodka and orange juice.
The bartender brings the drink back to the grasshopper and says, “You know, we have a drink named after you.”
The grasshopper says, “You have a drink named Irving?”

23. Man walks into a bar and shows the bartender a mouse and a frog. He tells him that the frog plays the piano and the mouse sings.
A man sitting nearby overhears this and tells the man he will buy the frog and the mouse for $50. The man accepts, the second man takes the frog and the mouse and leaves.
The bartender says, “You sold that pair for only 50 bucks? That’s too little, you’re a loser!.”
The man snickered and said “Nahh I’m not, he is, the frog is a ventriloquist”

24. A guy walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a sip from each of them in order.
The bartender says,” Why don’t you have one at a time, they begin to go flat as soon as I dispense it?”
“Well,” the guy says, “When my brothers and I split up, we promised to always drink like this to remember the times when we used to drink together.”
The bartender thinks this is a nice tradition and doesn’t say any more. The guy becomes a regular always ordering 3 beers.
Then one day he orders only 2. The bartender doesn’t know what to say but then says, “My condolences on your loss.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Well,,” the bartender replies, “I had thought something may have happened to one of your brothers. I feared the worst!”
The guy laughs and says, “My brothers are fine, it’s just that I’ve quit drinking!”

25. A group of blonds walk into a bar shouting and cheering “Yeah, 31! Let’s here it for 31!”
They order a round of drinks, continuing toasting each other and the number 31.
After about 15 minutes of this, the bartender is starting to get really annoyed. “What’s the deal about 31?” he asks the girls.
One of them turns to him and says “we bought a puzzle that said 2 – 4 years, and we finished it in 31 DAYS!!!”

26. A kangaroo walks into a bar, orders a beer.
Bartender serves him and charges him $15.00. Bartender says, “We don’t get many kangaroos in here.”
Kangaroo says, “No wonder, at these prices.”

27. A drunk walks into a bar and puts his pet cockroach on the bar.
The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey! You can’t leave that lyin’ there!”
“That’s not a lion,” replies the drunk. “Dhat’s a dog!”

28. This guy walks into a small town bar and orders a drink from the bartender.
The bartender delivers his drink and shouts out to the bar patrons “46!!” Everyone starts to laugh-
Again he shouts out “39!!” Now the patrons are getting even louder in laughing-
Lastly, he shouts “14!!” Now, people are wiping tears from their eyes
from all the laughing.
The visitor is curious, so he asks the bartender “What is going on?”
The bartender says “This is a small town, with small impressionable children, and so we had decided to put numbers to our naughty jokes rather than tell them in full”
The visitor is astounded “Let me try!!” he says- So he shouts “46!!” Nothing happens
“39!!” Still nothing.
“14!!” and yet still not a sound from the patrons.
The visitor says to the bartender “I don’t understand. I used exactly the same numbers you did and got a completely opposite response.
The bartender replied, “Well, some folks can tell a joke… and some folks can’t!”

29. A guy walks in a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you sell condoms here?”
The bartender replies, “Sure do.”
“How much do they cost?”
“They’re different prices for the different styles. You go over to the right wall, pick out the one you want and come back and let me know which one and I’ll give you a price.”
So the guy goes over and picks out a hot pink one with black poke-a-dots. He asks the bartender how much?
“That will be $1.15 + tax.”
“I don’t need the tacks! It’ll stay on all by itself.”

30. Two piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask, “Where’s the bathroom?” The bartender points to the door and they rush in.
Two more piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, “Where’s the bathroom?” The bartender points to the door and they rush in.
One piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. “Hey, buddy! Do you wanna know where the bathroom is?” says the bartender.
“No thanks,” the piggy slurs, “I always go WEEWEEWEE all the way home!”

31. A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world.
He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him… So he says he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet, The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.
A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look.
“Ha!” the man says, “Can’t you play it?”
The octopus looks up at the man and says “Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I get its pajamas off.”

32. A guy walks into a bar down in Arkansas and orders a Grape Nehi.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, “You ain’t from around here… where you from, boy?”
The guy says, “I’m from Pennsylvania.”
The bartender asks, “Whatchu do up in Pennsylvania?”
The guy responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”
The bartender asks, “A taxidermist… what the hell is a taxidermist?
The guy says, “I mount dead animals.”
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, “It’s OK boys, he’s one of us.”

33. A priest, a rabbi, and a lawyer walk into a bar and the bartender says, “What is this a joke?”

34. Two jumper cables walk into a bar. Bartender says, “You guys better not start anything in here.”

35. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says, “Let me have a beer please, and one more for the road.”

36. A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, “Hey barkeep, it’s my birthday today. How ’bout a free drink?”
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, “Sure pal, toilet’s right down the hall.”

37. So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar.
Bartender says, “Get out of here! We don’t serve your type. This is a singles bar.”

38. A cowboy walks into a bar, dressed entirely in paper. Wasn’t long before he was arrested for rustling. Gee….I think I’ve heard this one somewhere before….hell, I think I’ve heard ALL of these somewhere before.  Sigh.  Well, we might as well fight through to the finish, we’re better than halfway there, now.

39, A man who smelled like a distillery walks into a bar and flops on a barstool next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”
“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.”
“Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I ‘m very sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

40. A pony walks into a bar and says “Bartender, may I have a drink?”
Bartender says “What? I can’t hear you. Speak up!”
“May I please have a drink?”
“What? You have to speak up!”
“Could I please have a drink?”
“Now listen, if you don’t speak up I will not serve you.”
“I’m sorry, I’m just a little hoarse.”

41. This duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, buddy, your pants are down…”

42. A circus owner walks into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap-dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin’ and dealin’ they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn’t dance a single step!”
“So?” asked the ducks former owner, “Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”

43. A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer” he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
“How much will that be?” asks the neutron.
“For you?” replies the bartender, “No charge.”

44. This piece of string walks into a bar.
Before he gets halfway to the bar, the bartender calls out “Hey! String! We don’t serve your sort in here.”
Not to be deterred, the string tries to order a drink, but when the bartender pulls a pair of scissors out from behind the bar, the piece of string decides to leave, running for the door.
Hours later, the piece of string is still frustrated at not being able to get a drink anywhere. He’s all twisted up and his ends are coming loose from being thrown out of so many bars.
Before going into the last bar, the piece of string ruffles his ends up even more and contorts himself trying to disguise the very fiber of his being.
As he goes into the last bar, the bartender calls out, “Hey! You!” Looking carefully, he asks “Are you a piece of string?”
Feigning ignorance, the piece of string says, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”

45. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.”
The other says “Are you sure?”
The first says, “Yes, I’m positive.”

46. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one is a-salted…

47. Two vampires walk into a bar and call for the bartender. “I’ll have a glass of blood,” says one.
“I’ll have a glass of plasma,” says the other.
“Okay,” replies the bartender, “that’ll be one blood and one blood lite…”

48. This skeleton walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer and a mop…”

49. Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies “I think not” and POOF! He vanishes.

50. A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer.
As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, “Nice tie!”  Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar.
A few sips later the voice said, “Beautiful shirt.”
At this, the man called the bartender over.,” Hey… I must be losing my mind,” he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.”
“It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender.
“Say what?”
“You heard me,” said the barkeep. “It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”

Thank the Dragon Mother that’s over with!  Wow.  I think I need a drink!  Oh no!  “So, a dragon walks into a bar ….”

Dear shampoo companies,

You make tearless for babies, now how about for adults?

Sincerely, I think I just went blind

 

Dear men,

Did you know that the most common way that women kill is by poisoning food?

Sincerely, you still want that sandwich?

 

Dear teacher,

Get real. No one is going to form a single line if the building is on fire.

Sincerely, I’m jumping out the window

 

Dear guys in uniform,

Please, carry on.

Sincerely, you’re a 10 before I even see your face

 

Dear legs,

See you again in the spring.

Sincerely, razor

 

Dear Pro-activ,

Please explain how your acne cream also straightens teeth, changes hair, and completely changes a person’s face.

Sincerely, I’m on to you…

 

Dear bathroom stall doors,

Why do you think it’s a good idea to open in instead of out?

Sincerely, standing in the toilet to escape

 

Dear preschooler,

What color is the slide again?

Sincerely, just wanted to hear you say “lellow” again

 

Dear backstroke swimmer,

Surprise!

Sincerely, the wall

 

Dear Victoria’s Secret,

My boobs are bulletproof now, right?

Sincerely, this much padding should do it

I keep getting in trouble with the IRS.  But they asked!

To the question: How many dependents do you have:

“12 million illegal immigrants;
“3 million crack heads;
“42 million unemployable people on food stamps,
“2 million people in over 243 prisons;
“Half of Mexico ; and
“535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.”
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

PROOF that proper syntax does indeed have a role to play in daily discourse.

A woman asks her husband to do some shopping.
“Please buy a case of Bud Light and, if they have eggs, get six.”

After a while the husband returns with six cases of Bud. His wife asks him,

“Why did you get six cases of Bud?”

He answers, “They had eggs.”

It seems to me that this particular poem can be run over, and over, and over again…

And a golf joke for Dad:

Whenever I come home from playing golf, my son always asks me excitedly, “Did you win, Dad?” I have explained to him time and time again that you’re really just playing against yourself.

We were on vacation and I had gone out to play a round. When I returned, the kids were swimming in the hotel pool, which was full of kids and surrounded by dozens of parents.

From across the pool, at the top of his lungs, my son yelled, “Hey Dad! Did you have fun playing with yourself?”

We checked out that night.

And let’s close with a heartfelt laugh!

The ‘Middle Wife’

by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they’re welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. ‘This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.’

‘First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.’

She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!’ Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. ‘She walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

‘My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.’ (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

‘And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshheew(This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

‘Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push, push,’ and ‘breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten.. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom’s play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.’

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I’m sure I applauded the loudest..

Ever since then, when it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ‘Middle Wife’ comes along.

Today’s Last Word…is from one of our regular readers and contributors, Wheats.  He has some on-the-mark comments concerning the Occupy Movement that we talked about last Saturday. 

Take it away Wheats:

At the very bottom of this occupy BS is this: “If you can’t have things your way, bitch about it.”.

This behavior is probably as old as humanity itself but in the US since the 60′s, it has taken on a very unique form and format.

I speak specifically of the protests against Vietnam. And they were all about Vietnam, except the ones about segregation. But all the protests that were “ban the bomb”-oriented, etc were all kids whining about obligatory military service. Oddly, many or most of their parents volunteered to serve in WWII but their kids, for some reason, reaping the incredible rewards that freedom gave them felt no noble instinct to help a nation avoid communist rule. I suppose I can see the difference where young men in 1941 volunteered because of the attack on Pearl Harbor but they went off to lands they’d never heard of nor ever really gave much thought about in order to free people they didn’t know (or care about) in the name of liberty. The possibility that the war would end up on US shores was very unlikely, aside from the one incident in Hawaii which Japan would’ve been hard pressed to repeat.

But, the kids all bitched and whined and moaned about having to go to Vietnam. I suppose that’s a natural instinct, especially when they just wanted to go to grad school or get a job at some well-founded corporation but my uptake is that they were (and are) the core of “spoiled America”. I have watched them all my life and generally they have had the attitude of “all about ME”. And, after years of bitching and whining, they go their way.

Unlike their parents who were not only leaders but also givers and who understood loyalty, fidelity and morality and who bitch and whine far, FAR less than their offspring.

The occupado losers are attempting to expand on the false credibility of the 1960′s spoiled whiners by complaining about a problem largely of their own creation. Add to that their gullibility of getting a college degree in some “discipline” that has no practical real-world application. Then the hypocrisy of whining about “big business” when they wear designer clothing, text on their iPads, listen to their iPods, laptops and what-have-you. It’s a Cindy Sheehan kind of derangement syndrome and there are more people in the country who are like this all the time.

I work with a guy who says he’s a conservative but thinks that being able to keep his daughter on his healthcare plan is just peachy. I asked, “Why doesn’t she enlist in the military” and he responded, basically, with the indication that he “forbids” it. He, himself is a veteran. Yet he cannot see his hypocrisy. How long is he going to make decisions for his daughter? And why?

Lots of people are like this. Thinking they are conservatives without knowing the meaning of the word or…even worse, denying that they are socialists-at-heart. “Yes, I WANT the government to provide healthcare. Dammit, I work hard all day….why should I have to pay for it?” This is the argument I hear.

And this is the argument coming from the occupied mentality. “I live here in the richest nation in the world…where’s my cheese? You’d better give it to me or I’ll create such a stink that you’ll give it to me just to shut me up”.

Which, interestingly is the Dr Spock method of child-rearing. Appeasement…let the child have their way….let them “explore” their emotions. That boat didn’t float in my youth. The second I “explored” my emotions I found myself standing in the corner, or getting a swat on the ass. And this nation seems to be sorely lacking in discipline. By letting kids do whatever the hell they want…..we have the adults that swell the ranks of the occupied toilet “movement” (Seriously, how can anyone NOT see the potential jokes by combining the word “occupy” with the word “movement”?)

How to fix it? A return to parental discipline, removal of the government from letting parents decide HOW to discipline their kids and pretty much removal of the government from all things. I used to see kids (when I was one) get disciplined all the time in public places. I never see it now.

Nanny statism has ruined us. This is why there are no leaders. This is why republicans won’t speak out against tyranny in our midst or criticize Moochelle’s fat ass while she dictates that we all need to eat grass.

Fortunately, I live in an area where even many blacks say, “I wish they’d just shut up and go away”. The black middle class here does pretty well in SC, by and large and they know why. And it’s name is NOT Obama or democrat.