LETHAL HERE FOLKS!
HE’S ALIVE! HE’S BLOODY WELL ALIVE! I SORT OF TALKED TO IMPISH!!
Ahem! Ok please excuse that outburst and my breaking into your Sunday but I was momentarily overcome with relief and joy over not having lost one of my larger sources of revenue… I MEAN over not having lost my dear friend!
Let me quickly explain what happened. It was late last evening I was at my desk pouring over all the reports and data generated by Task Force Find Impish looking for anything we might have missed or any possible fresh angle. While doing so I was absently rubbing a good luck token I carry with me, which is the first piece of gold I ever conned Impish out of… I MEAN EARNED FROM HIM.
Exhausted and with eyes burning I took me specs off just to rest me poor burning and blood shot (from weeping while reading all the bloody reports) eyes a minute and I must have fallen asleep on me desk with my head on the gold token.
So there I was, asleep I was at me desk and I started to dream, as I did the door to Impish’s office bedecked in cards, post a note well wishes and creditors claims on his estate slammed open as if he was there and a voices\ from with in the darkened office called out to me:
impishdragon: Oh hey dude? You want one of these mushrooms?
LethalLeprechaun: “BEGORRAH!” said I, “’tis the shade o’ Impish back already from his grave where ever it might be ta haunt me and all because I inventoried & appraised his stuff I’ll wager too! be gone spirit of me departed friend ’tis no business you have upon the mortal world any longer! Well did I pay old scratch hisself ta keep the likes o’ ya away from me in death!”
impishdragon: “Woah, I need to sit down. What are you doing here? Did you get captured, too?
And who are you talking to?”
LethalLeprechaun: “Wut’s this now? Even in death you’re bloody daft? Aww a cruel twist o’ fate that is Impish!”
email@example.com: “Death? Who died? Are you dead?”
LethalLeprechaun: “I’m not captured I’m in me office apparently being tormented for me sins against ya”
impishdragon: “Woah, these really ARE some awesome mushrooms”
LethalLeprechaun: “WHAT??! MUSHROOMS? As in MAGIC mushrooms?”
impishdragon: “I guess, dude these are REALLY good… So, what are you doing in my cavern?”
LethalLeprechaun: “There’s no Magic mushrooms for residents of hell…no food either. IMPISH YOU’RE ALIVE? Where are you laddie ? ‘Tis a rescue team most terrible I have waiting to rescue you.”
impishdragon: “Hey, I’m right here? Oh dude….you know what? We’re talking to each other!”
LethalLeprechaun: “Impish TRY ta think man! We can nae locate you.. all your trackers are dead and we’ve run into a bloody wall! you have to help us. Give us a clue. give us something to work with man!”
impishdragon: How can I fit in your little head?
LethalLeprechaun: (muttering to meself “Ugh! The only thing worse then a daft dragon is a tripping daft one!”) “Because your brain is so tiny and worm eaten it takes up no space at all, now out with it man where are they holding you?”
impishdragon: So….only my brain is in your head? How did my brain get out of my body? Look. I can see myself
LethalLeprechaun: You’re dreaming Impish – a magic mushroom powered dream a part of you must be invested in this gold piece I have and you made contact
impishdragon: Ohhhh! I see! Yeah, these mushrooms are damn good. All they kept giving me was bugs. Found these mushrooms in a corner.
LethalLeprechaun: We got your message in the bottle, but we can’t find you. Help us find you or I’m afraid you’ll start missing out on really important things.. .Like National Pie Eating Day.
impishdragon: So….. can you come get me? National Pie Eating Day? I like pie!
LethalLeprechaun: I don’t know where you are my friend, I can’t find you. Yes National Pie Eating Day is Monday remember? I had a surprise for you planned. I know how much you like pie. Fifty-two kinds of pies, all your favorites, all you could eat in the cafeteria.
impishdragon: All I can eat pie? I like pie. I can eat a lot of pie!
LethalLeprechaun: now I guess I’ll just have to give them all away…
impishdragon: Give them away? NO Lethal! PLEASE don’t give my pie away..
LethalLeprechaun: and cancel your appearance at the Hooter Girls Bikini Calendar shoot I’m afraid you’re going to miss out on all the free hot wings and those Hooters girls posing all over you in those tiny bikinis too.
impishdragon: The Hooters Calendar Girls shoot? Hot wings!!! and PIE???!!! I’m missing out on all of that just because you can’t find me?
LethalLeprechaun: Yes that was to be this week too, but since we can’t find out where you are I’ll have to cancel it and possibly send regrets about you’re not being available to judge the Crisco National Pie Bake Off. That’s coming up in April and they want a commitment from you to judge by the end of the week
impishdragon: No wait! I want the hot wings shoot with hooters and pie! Free pie! A hundred and fifty seven kinds at the bake off! Every one homemade from scratch!
LethalLeprechaun: If we only had some clue where you are, but all the leads we have dead end like they took you off dimension and all my usual sources are more afraid of who ever has you than anything I could do to them. They’re not talking.
firstname.lastname@example.org: No! I’m right here! I can see you, cant I just go with you?
LethalLeprechaun: but WHERE IS ‘here’ Impish? Where are they keeping you?
email@example.com: Wait…… If I can imagine you….maybe I can imagine
LethalLeprechaun: Don’t worry about your possessions btw I took the precaution of inventorying them and having them appraised so if any greedy dragons come ta steal from you in your absence I’ll get the insurance monies
impishdragon: Yeah, I know you’ll take care of me…for a percentage
LethalLeprechaun: I still believe we’ll find you even if Terrance IS interviewing for his own assistant and having interior decorators look at your office
impishdragon: Let me tell you where I am….I know …. why don’t I just look outside this door
LethalLeprechaun: and don’t worry about your virginal harem…Terrance has been taking good care of them and making sure they polish your stripper pole to exacting standards. He spent half of today supervising them and observing the pole tests
impishdragon: Good old Terrance! Now, where did that door go?
LethalLeprechaun: He even did his first DL post today, said he wanted to – that it was good practice for when he took your spot permanently
impishdragon: WAIT! WHAT??!!! JUST WHAT THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE’S DOING????? I’M GONNA KICK HIS TROLL ASS ALL OVER THIS ………….
LethalLeprechaun: Well you know, statistically speaking, after the first 48 hours the chances of find a missing person…well they get pretty bad. He’s being a big help though, offered to do the Hooters shoot for you and take on your pie judging duties
impishdragon: GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRR…. NO NATIONAL PIE EATING DAY? NO HOT WINGS? NO HOOTERS GIRLS IN BIKINIS CLIMBING ALL OVER ME? NO 152 VARIETIES OF HOME BACKED SCRATCH PIES TO JUDGE? AND NOW SOME TROLL THINKS THEY CAN REPLACE ME?GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOAAAAARRRR!
<the terrible anguished roar of a tormented, hungry, desperate and now ill tempered dragon plus the sounds of crashing rubble within me head frightens me so badly as to cause me to snap out of the dream with a great start and a gold coin stuck to me sweaty forehead>
Now I can only sit here biding my time waiting to see if my on the fly off the cuff Motivate Impish Into Escaping On His Own scheme actually worked. Whilst I do that, I better find Terrance and find him a real good hiding place, cause I think Impish is going to be a wee bit pissed off at the poor innocent fellow and might not give me a chance to explain before he does Terrance serious harm.
For the moment, optimistically,