A much relieved Lethal Leprechaun here folks!
I’m ecstatically elated to report that Impish Dragon (as one of our apparently less grounded in reality readers put it)
“our loveable, handsome, adorable, stud muffin dragon”
has retuned once more to us under his own power ( free to exercise) will! Apparently my inspired last ditch desperate ploy was successful in getting in riled up and motivated to free himself from his temporary prison and to return to the realm of billable hours!
Lets jump right into our all expenses spared ( wadda ya expect? the economy is bad, we’re on a shoe string budget here and nobody buys none of our damned coffee cups) recreation of the events of earlier:
SO there I was sitting at my desk dejectedly staring at all the reams of reports and dead ends. Three things had become crystal clear to me;
1.) whom ever and taken Impish had him off dimension in a place that was inaccessible to me and my sources, which probably meant he had done something monumentally stupid which had come to the attention of some one or thing WAY farther up the ladder than even my reach could reach out to.
2.) Whom/What ever it was, ALL the information brokers, snitches weasels and lowdown guttersnipes were far more scared of it than they were of me or anything I could possibly threaten them with. Given some of the threats I had made or that were made in my name that was pretty impressive and pretty scary as it related to Impish
3.) Apparently my Motivate Impish Into Escaping On The Fly Dream Seminar had been a complete bust.
Just as I was about to clear all the information off my desk and pull out my Memorial for Impish Edition to dust it off a warning Klaxon sounded.
“INBOUND FAST MOVER BOGEY ON SCREEN! – FAST MOVER BOGEY ON SCREEN!
DIRECT VECTOR FOR DRAGON LANDING PAD – THIS IS NOT A DRILL!”
I immediately ordered the freight elevator raised to the Dragon Landing Pad, the Cafeteria cleared of all personnel and extra dessert carts deployed as I ran for the Executive elevator…my biggest billable hours client, easiest mark and bestest pal was back!
Before the elevator doors opened I could already hear Impish
impishdragon: NO MORE PIE??! YOU’RE DAMNED RIGHT ITS NATIONAL PIE DAY! 52 KINDS OF PIE – ALL YOU CAN EAT WHERE IS IT?
LethalLeprechaun: Impish you’re back! Your safe! My motivate you to escape plan worked!
impishdragon: LETHAL! YOU said there would be PIE! WHERE is my pie? I plan on eating an entire one of each kind while the cooks make me a 53rd kind of pie, a TROLL pie! I want my pie NOW! Then I want Terrance !
LethalLeprechaun: Relax sport… there’s pie, lots of pie, its just not here. How about some of my coffee and I’ll explain? You must be coffee jonesing by now too.
impishdragon: THERES NO PIE HERE?!! <Impish pauses to glug with caffeine addicted Draconian glee from his personal coffee mug> Where are my pies and where is Terrance?
LethalLeprechaun: Grab your coffee, waddle over to transport with me and I’ll explain, I’ve got a couple pies stashed special for you.
impishdragon: Where are we going? This BETTER end in 52 kinds of pie Lethal! You said I was going to have pie!
LethalLeprechaun: We’re going to your executive transport vehicle, which is going to my private jet, and YES there is pie at the end of this rainbow me Lucky Charm.
firstname.lastname@example.org: I’m going some where? But I just got here and there’s Terrance to deal with! Where? The Hooters shoot?
LethalLeprechaun: Speaking of just getting here, unless my timeline is way off, you escaped Saturday night from someplace not in this realm. What took you so long to get back after you cut the dream? You smelled food didn’t you!
email@example.com: Accidently followed the scent of an Entenmann’s truck. Shut up Lethal before I order Leprechaun pie too. My blood sugar is low, I’m hungry, cranky and I don’t have any pie yet.
LethalLeprechaun: Dude relax! I understand totally, They DO have those really great donuts with the crumb cake topping on them and the confectioners sugar dusting.
firstname.lastname@example.org: Yup. And the best coffee cake EVER.
LethalLeprechaun: Still, how long does it take you to eat the contents of a single Entenmann’s Panel truck, boxes and all? Dainty and well mannered when driven by hunger you’re not.
email@example.com: It wasn’t a mere Panel side it was a semi FULL of kinds of yummy Entenmanns stuff. I didn’t want to insult them by not eating some of everything then I couldn’t remember what I had and had not eaten so I just decided to eat it all.
LethalLeprechaun: An Entenmann’s SEMI? WHERE did you come back to on this side from where ever it was you were?
firstname.lastname@example.org: Ummm…New Jersey
LethalLeprechaun: OH NO! DON’T tell me…
email@example.com: Yeah… I-95… just outside of Trenton. I think I might have been in…
LethalLeprechaun: BLOODY HELL! Come on! Waddle your tail into that transport faster! We got to get you to the plane really fast. It’s even worse than I thought! She’s GOT to know where you’d come when you escaped.
[Now rumbling down the road at a rapid clip while Impish makes extremely short work of two dozen pies – box, tinfoil pie pan and all. Alternating pies with slurps from his 2.5 gallon coffee mug, Lethal continues.]
LethalLeprechaun: You realize how bad this is, even by YOUR standards of getting in trouble? This is going to cost you…A WHOLE BLOODY LOT!
firstname.lastname@example.org: I know trust me, this looks pretty bad, but what about Terrance? I WANT Terrance’s butt…in a pie…for starters and besides, what do you do for me that doesn’t cost me?
LethalLeprechaun: Now that just plain hurts me! Cuts me deep it does! And here the pies are on me totally free, as is the plane ride and hiding you…though if someone goes looking for you you’re responsible for the damages I might warn you. Worried sick about you I’ve been too and sparing you no expense in trying to find you I might add too!
Now then about what I said when we were sharing that dream, thanks for the need to bleach my brain by the way! A little clarification might be in order;
FIRST of all Terrance regenerates and that would give you serious digestion problems so Troll pie is out of the question.
Second Terrance didn’t do any of those things I said, well except to publish your post in your name and explain why he was doing it and you haven’t been asked to return as a judge for the Crisco Pie Bakeoff. They still haven’t settled all the lawsuits from the last time 4 years ago.
email@example.com: Oh…but you said….WAIT A MINUTE!…You LIED TO ME? YOU SLIMY LITTLE LYING LAWYER LEPRECHAUN! <reaching for Lethal>
LethalLeprechaun: NO! WAIT! LISTEN TO ME! I took a desperate last ditch gamble to save you and motivated you via the most direct route to you brain and ego…your already rumbling stomach because it was obvious someone pretty powerful had you and I wasn’t going to find you and rescue you any other way. It might not have been very nice but it was all that I had left that I could think of pal and it worked didn’t it? You’re back here now, more or less safe…ok so probably less but you’re free.
firstname.lastname@example.org: OH! Well…I guess that’s different isn’t it then? One of those times you have to do something mean or bad but for good reasons? Wait!….Were you lying about the Hooters girls and the all I could eat hot wings too then? I clearly remember that WAS on my schedule!
LethalLeprechaun: Nope that’s still on… I’ll just have to pay to have the shoot moved to an undisclosed location.
email@example.com: OK…. good then. Maybe I don’t have to eat Leprechaun pie after all. You’d probably upset my stomach more than Terrance and I can’t eat pie and hot wings or play with the Hooters girls with an upset stomach.
LethalLeprechaun: Good point, glad to hear it… now will you PLEASE get on the sodding plane and get the bloody hell away from here before you’re found and taken again? Go have your pie and I’ll talk to you in a day or two once I get a handle on why…
impishdragon: DON’T SAY HER NAME!
LethalLeprechaun: Wasn’t going to. I’ll talk to you once I know why she grabbed you up.
impishdragon: Lethal? Where are the stairs and why is the tail ramp on your new plane down?
LethalLeprechaun: Because you’re flying cargo sport…The passenger compartment still has that new plane smell and you remember what I said about that right? Besides you’re a messy pie eater, hell your a messy eater period and it’s too new to have food stains all over everything.
impishdragon: (whining petulantly) I WANNA RIDE IN THE LUXURY PART!!!!!
LethalLeprechaun: ([muttering under his breath] St Patrick boyo give me the bloody strength and patience to deal with Dragons who act like 3 year olds and and are about to get us both fecking well killed for it….and if you could please HURRY!) Ok, but the pies are in the cargo hold and they’ll take too long to transfer so you’ll have to wait until you land and by then they might be spoiled….
impishdragon: They are? Never mind! I gotta go Lethal I can smell the pies!
Lethal watches as Impish waddles swiftly aboard the cargo hold of Shamrock One and departs safely. Then pulls out a cell phone and dials.
LethalLeprechaun: “Yeah its Lethal. Are the partners all there? ALL of them? Good. Conference them in on this line right away, I don’t care who they are with or what they are doing to an intern or temp in the file room, this takes priority….Everyone on here? I only want to risk saying this over a phone one time. Ok pay attention then or take notes but don’t make direct reference to any of this electronically.
It worked he’s back, but we got more problems and BIGGER problems now. I was right, he was on the other side someplace and now I know where and I know who. He came back out on this side in Jersey, I-95 corridor….yeah just outside of where you’re hoping I ‘m not going to say he did.
That was exactly my reaction too… I don’t care. This is Impish we’re talking about, we’ve made a ton of money off his billable hours and we’re going to make even more off this and off his future billable hours. On top of that I’m NOT going to lose a case in her court a second time. I don’t care what it takes, I don’t care if it takes everything, NOBODY beats me twice at anything EVER. I’ve a bloody fearsome and impressive reputation to protect and I’ll be buggered if the likes o’ herself is going to soil it with her packed courts.
Get busy on this finding out what ever you can and researching any and all precedents. I lost me temper in her court last time and really insulted her, pissed her off good and proper I managed to escape from being held in contempt of her court, so I’m going to need some sort of safe passage and protection loophole too.
I’ll be in touch, I have to go coax Terrance out of hiding, make amends for using him like I did and convenience him he’s no longer destined to be a pie filling.
Oh yeah one last thing…find out why the hell we can’t get Entenmann’s full product line here in Texas and if we can somehow turn that oversight into a profitable one for us.”
Love to stay and chat folks but I’ve a friend and revenue source to protect and keep out of hot water. Until Wednesday!
Oh…and Ginny? I’ll be sending ya me dry cleaning bill for that “stud muffin dragon” line along with a list of mental health specialists.