Today is Sunday and I’m writing because I need to write.  I need to write because today was a hard day.  

I told you that one of our pastors passed away on Friday.  That’s like losing a member of your family.  And after actually losing another member of my family on Thursday, it’s like an extra kick in the teeth.  

Today’s service was so touching and so moving.  Lots of prayers and lots of songs.  I was security for today’s service.  Yes, we have security for every function.  Normally there is 3 of us scheduled for each service and then for Bible Study and things like that, whoever is a member of the Security Team who is in attendance usually just kind of keeps an eye on things.  We started doing that a couple of years ago when there was the spate of church shootings across the country.  I wasn’t here a couple of years ago when it started, but with my background and experience, I volunteered a month or so ago, was investigated and accepted.  I just happened to be assigned to this Sunday.  Anyway, it kept me in the back hallway of the church during service, I can hear everything that goes on, but I can’t really participate.

But, that was a good thing, because today’s service brought back a lot of memories of Mary and having just lost her brother, Anthony, and the Pastor, well … like I said … it was a tough day.

And the final song they sang…Oh my goodness!  It was SO HARD!  I cried like a baby!  Tears rolling down these big old dragon scales!  And many, many other people were the same way.

I know where Mary is.  I know where Anthony is.  I know where the Pastor is.  Can’t say, “I’m sorry for your loss.”  They aren’t lost.  We all know exactly where they all are.  They are all in the Kingdom of Heaven, with God and Jesus and having a wonderful time and are happier than they’ve ever been before, with perfect spiritual bodies, and doing God’s work.

But that doesn’t mean that we, who are still here on earth, don’t miss them terribly.  That doesn’t mean that we, who are still trudging through the mortal coil don’t wish they were still here with us.  Not that we would want them to come back.  Because now that they have experienced the perfection that is Heaven, I would NEVER ask them to give that up to return here…even for me…especially for me.  But that doesn’t mean I miss them any the less.

So, where does that leave us?

It leaves us making the best of things, until we can join them.  And making very sure that we live a life in such a way that we DO join them!  We do that in several ways, one of which is right here with Dragon Laffs, where we thumb our noses at the evil people in the world and we do two things.  The first thing we do is, as often as we can, we point that evil and wrongness out, either outright or humorously.  Of course you know that we prefer humorously.

And the second thing we do, is much more general than that.  We LAUGH!  So, let’s start with that one, shall we?

It really does help get through the day.  Eases stress, takes away worry (even if just for a little while) and it HELPS!  Ask anyone, they’ll tell you.

I just told a story at work about my childhood that I thought was really funny but now everyone is super quiet and someone said quietly, “I’m so sorry.”

It takes about 10,000 hours to become an expert at something, so let me know if you have any questions about anxiety.

Genie:  You have 17 wishes.

Me:  Isn’t it normally 3???

Genie:  Yeah but [vaguely gestures to me] a lot of issues going on here.

Not sure if that was a lot of wind or not much of a house.

SURPRISE!

“These stupid wooden things keep popping up all over the place.  I keep pulling them down and they keep coming back.”

How would they know?

This must be a very popular cartoon.  I got this from like four of you guys within a couple of days.

Stop Feeling So Entitled!

All you deserve is life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

NOT

Free tuition
Free healthcare
Free abortions
Free housing
Free bla, bla, bla

There is no such thing as “free” my little snowflake. 
Someone is paying for it.  And it’s never a politician.

You deserve

Life (enjoy)
Liberty (preserve it)
Pursuit of Happiness (WORK for it)

Maybe I was raised wrong, but I was taught if you wanted something you worked for it.

Race matters only to racists.

The rest of us care about character.

And then my guess is, she’s no longer your girl friend.

“That darn Impish Dragon is REALLY good at Hide-and-Seek”

How should you exercise your pet Ferret?

On a Ferret Wheel.

Aspire to greatness.

But remember that no one ever assassinated a refrigerator repairman

– Bird Waring

I’ve opened a can of worms.

They just sit there, the worms.  Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

And Yet Another Tombstone

In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood Within another.
The outer wood Is very good:
We cannot praise The other.

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father’s word processor.

She told him she was writing a story.

“What’s it about?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat.

He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, “Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it.”

So she drove the boat to shore and safely docked it.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, “Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I’m having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes.”

“Joe Biden traveled over 7,000 miles to beg Saudi Arabia for more oil, even as he continues his attack on American energy producers.  We are still waiting for Biden to travel to Texas, Alaska, and North Dakota to meet with American energy producers.” ~ Tommy Pigott

While on the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was holding onto the same pole, staring at her.

Eventually, he said, “Excuse me. This is my stop.”

Since she wasn’t blocking his way, she was confused. “Well,” she said,”go ahead.”

“And this is my pole,” he said.

My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added, “I just bought it at the hardware store.”

And with that, he picked up his pole and carried it off the bus.

This woman decides to buy a new cupboard that you have to assemble yourself. 

Back home she reads the instructions carefully and assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. 

It looks really neat. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses. 

Thinking that she must have done something wrong she rereads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. 

Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses again. 

Now, fed up she calls customer service. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they’ll send along a technician to have a look. 

The technician arrives and assembles the cupboard.  Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. 

Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the technician decides to reassemble the cupboard and get inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse. 

At this point, the woman’s husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says: “That’s a nice looking cupboard”, and opens it. 

Says the technician: “You may find this hard to believe, but I’m just standing here waiting for the next train.”   

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, “Well, that’s not going to happen”.

The other night I ate at a really nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder in the car these days,no one talks about seeing UFO’s like they used to?

You know when you’re sitting on a chair & you lean back so you’re just on two legs, then you lean too far & you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

According to a recent survey, men say that the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say that the first thing they notice about men is that they’re a bunch of liars.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 & a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

I’m not 40-something. I’m $39.95, plus shipping and handling.

There ‘s a theory that states that if anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for & why it ‘s here; it will instantly disappear & be replaced by something even more bizarre & inexplicable. There’s another theory that states that this has already happened.

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait 6 weeks for an appointment and he says, “I wish you’d have come to me sooner.”

There was a young girl who begat 
Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat. 
T’was fun in the breeding 
But hell in the feeding 
When she found there’s no tit for Tat. 

And it’s Monday and I’m finished with this one and will probably start the Saturday episode soon since I have a big inspection at work this week.  If I can get ahead for Saturday, it will help to stay ahead.  So, for now, I will say to all of you, may you be blessed with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

The closer and stronger you get with God, the more and harder you will be challenged by satan.  So, I must be doing something really right.  There is so much and so many things going crazy in my life right now, I have no other possible explanation than that. 

I told you guys about my teeth and the fact that they were going to have to wait because I just spent so much money on the car, well we just had Pepper to the vet because she’s been limping since Christmas Eve and she’s got a torn knee and will probably need surgery, although we’re trying to treat her with drugs and stuff first.  $500 bucks to find out what was wrong and the surgery, unless we can somehow get out of it, $3,000 to $5,000.

Come on, man! (That was my Biden, impression)

And people keep dying.  They need to stop doing that.

I told you about Mary’s brother on Thursday and then I found out that one of our Pastors at church passed away on Friday.  I’m writing this on Saturday and waiting for who I’m going to hear about today!  We are in the final days, my dear friends.  I hope you are all right with the Lord.

Okay, preaching moment is over.  So, let’s review what we’ve agreed on.

We’re going to stop dying. 

We’re going to stop costing Impish Dragon money he doesn’t have. 

We’re going to laugh to make it all worthwhile. 

Well, there’s not a whole lot we can do about the first two, but about the last …

If you are going to lose a finger in a pie, you might as well add it to the ingredients.

Gross!  Kinda like the finger.

This one is from Friggin’ Pete, and like we’ve grown to expect, it makes a lot of sense:

Let’s start talking again AND listening!

Very well said my friend.  Very well said, indeed.  Thank you.

And this one is from Stephen who ends up thanking Ray, so let’s get to it…

Thanks to Ray for this one….

• We don’t let athletes bet on games they have the ability to influence. Why do we allow Congress to invest in companies they regulate?
• Why is it that when archeologists find human remains, they always determine that they are either male or female and none of the other hundreds of genders?
• Why is it that so many are more outraged that Brittney Griner is stuck in Russia than they were about Americans being stranded in Afghanistan
• How is it that the government can’t control gasoline prices…but the weather is something they can fix?
• We’re churning out a generation of poorly educated people with no skill, no ambition, no guidance, and no realistic expectations of what it means to go to work.—Mike Rowe
• If kids knew what they wanted to be at age eight, the world would be filled with cowboys and princesses. I wanted to be a pirate. Thank goodness nobody took me seriously and scheduled me for eye removal and peg leg surgery—Bill Maher
• Why were we told to lower our AC usage on hot days to prevent overwhelming the electric grid while simultaneously being told to trade in our gas cars for electric vehicles?
• Why is canceling student debt a good idea? Does it make sense to reward people who do not honor their financial commitment by taxing the people who do?
• Does it make sense to cut off oil from an ally and buy it from an enemy who calls for your death?
• Are we living in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended?
• Is this a great description of America: Andy has left town and Barney is in charge?
• Why is talking sexually in the workplace considered sexual harassment to adults…but talking about sexuality to children K-3 at school considered education?
• Who else had a ‘ministry of truth”…Hitler…Goebbels…Stalin
• Eliminating the production of 500,000 American barrels of oil a day to buy 500,000 barrels a day from Russia is simply…well…stupid.
• I saw a movie where only the police and military had guns; it was called Schindler’s List.
• If your electric car runs out of power on the interstate, do you walk to a charging station to get a bucket of electricity?
• Why are we running out of money for Social Security and Medicare and not for welfare, illegals and free college?
• I just got a full tank of gas for $22. Granted, it was for my lawn mower, but I trying to stay positive.
• There is a coin shortage. America is officially out of common sense.
• If an 18 year old isn’t mature enough to own a firearm, then maybe five year olds aren’t mature enough to change their gender
• Sign in Texas: DON’T VOTE FOR WHAT YOU FLED
• Nobody called it “Toxic Masculinity when we were saving the world.
• Mice die in mouse traps because they do not understand why the cheese is free. Just like socialism.
• The most powerful governments on earth can’t stop a virus from spreading…but they say they can change the earth’s temperature if you pay more taxes.
• Want to stop drunk drivers from killing sober drivers? Ban sober drivers from driving. That’s how gun control and COVID lockdowns work.
• If you don’t want to stand for the national anthem, perhaps you should give your legs to a veteran who lost his. That way a real man can stand in your place.
• If socialism is so good and capitalism is so bad…then why aren’t the caravans heading to Venezuela?

History is not there for us to like or dislike. It is there for us to learn from.  And if it offends you, even better…because then you are less likely to repeat it. It is not anyone’s to erase…it belongs to all of us.

Thanks Stephen and Ray.  

Another Tombstone

Here lies Kelly,

We buried him today.

He lived the life of Riley,

When Riley was away!

My sister was dating this Chinese Dragon and asked if I could find a position for him at Dragon Laffs, Inc.  So, we put him in charge of our Far East Marketing … we still don’t have much business in the Far East.

The recently married young woman was weeping and pouring out her heart and troubles to the church’s appointed marriage counsellor.

“Isn’t there some way , without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?”

The counsellor scowled. “Well young lady,” he said, “maybe that’s the problem, Your husband shouldn’t have to wait in line!”

Pauly and Maury are having a drink at the local Pub.

Pauly: “My wife has the worst memory I ever heard of.”

Maury: “Forgets everything, eh?”

Pauly: “No, remembers everything.”

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class almost 50 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

“Yes,” he replied.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1953.”

“Why, you were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, “What did you teach?”

We also run an underground radio station … it’s not really what you think it is.

The new school year started and the grade school teacher wanted some students to tell a brief story about summer vacation.  Several students eagerly raised their hands including Little Johnny.  The teacher asked Alice to tell a story. 

“We took a trip to the Grand Canyon during vacation” Alice said.  “We rode donkeys down a steep trail to the bottom of the canyon, it was fun.” 

The teacher asked for another volunteer, several students eagerly raised their hands including little Johnny.  She was afraid to call on little Johnny because he swore a lot in last years classroom.  The teacher chose Fred to tell a story. 

“My Dad and I went on a fishing trip way out in the country.  We stopped at a small pond, I cast my lure into the pond and caught the biggest trout we’d ever seen!  We started a campfire and cooked the trout, it was great!” Fred reported. 

“That nice Fred, now how about another volunteer”.  Several students were waving their hands.  The teacher felt sorry for Little Johnny and wanted to give him another chance. “My Dad and I went on a deer hunting trip.  We saw a huge 18 point buck in the field, my Dad aimed and shot it right in the asshole” Little Johnny said. 

The teacher was mad, “Johnny you mean rectum” she said. 

“Wrecked ‘im, you bet it wrecked ‘im…shot his balls clean off.” 

A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kinda makes you proud. Do you almost feel like a hybrid?

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!
“Help me dear,” she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
“I’m dying here, and you’re putting?”
“Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole, and he’s coming to help you”.
“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly.
“No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, “You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What’s your secret?”
Mickelson replied, “The holes are numbered.”

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”
“Yes” says the woman.
“Did you hit him with that golf club?”
“Yes, yes, I did.” The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
“How many times did you hit him?”
“I don’t know — put me down for a five.”

I have no idea what this is supposed to be.  But someone thought it was funny and sent it to me so I am passing it on to you guys, maybe someone can explain to me why it’s funny.  Other than the fact that it’s $86, 264.00 

And this one isn’t funny, it’s just art.

And this one is from Lynn and it’s called: Wisdom from People We Knew…

“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” – Andy Rooney.

“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino, Professional Golfer.

“Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere.” – George Burns.

“The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. – Mark Twain.

“First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.” – Leo Rosenberg.

“Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it.” – Golda Meir.

“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben.

“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault.

“At my age, flowers scare me.” – George Burns.

“The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.” – T.S. Elliot.

“The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget.” – Unknown.

“At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.” -Ann Landers.

“We don’t grow older, we grow riper.” – Pablo Picasso.

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.”- George Carlin, Comedian.

“Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips.” – John Wagner.

“Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does.” – J. Norman Collie.

“When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.” – Mark Twain.

“You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.” – Joel Plaskett.

“There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure.” – Dennis Wolfberg.

“There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus.” – Bob Phillips.

“Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty.” – Joan Rivers.

Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.” – Anonymous.

I’m ever so sorry … NO BEER is worth $890 a bottle.  Unless the bottle is the size of a house.

Sure, that’s what he’s looking at.

Turns out an At Home DNA Test is NOT a good baby shower gift.

Her:  You smell great!  What is that?

Me:  Brisket smoked with a pecan, post oak, and hickory blend along with a little spilled beer.

I inadvertently just signed off a work email with this: “Should you have any questions please don’t.  Hesitate to ask.”  I’m sticking with it.

And how many of you remember this one?

And that is it my friends.  I am truly grateful for your ear and for you listening to my ramblings and for you being my friends.  I hope you are all blessed with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

I need to talk to you guys.  Well, I need to talk and you guys are the best people that I have to talk to.  I got a phone call today while I was at work that really threw me.  My sister-in-law called.  Mary’s brother’s wife and told me that Mary’s other brother (not the wife’s husband) died today.  He just collapsed.  She was crying really hard when she called so it was tough to get any information out of her so I’m not sure if he was at work or what all, but he just collapsed and died. 

The weird thing is, I don’t know how I feel about it.  I mean, I’m sad and I feel bad.  I know how his poor wife and kids feel, truly I do, but I feel like I should be more upset inside and I don’t. 

It’s almost like there’s this little blank spot inside of me where something should be over this. 

And THAT has me more concerned than anything right now.

Does that mean that I’m broken, now?

I’ll tell you guys honestly, my first action was to bow my head and pray for his wife and kids and ask God to bless them and comfort them and to welcome him into Heaven.  And then ask God to comfort his family, i.e. his brothers and sisters, who I know are going to be devastated, especially after having just lost their sister Mary last year.  Heck, it was just 4 days past the anniversary of Mary’s passing.  But, then my first desire was to call my Pastor and talk to him about what I was feeling and what was going on. 

Now, I didn’t do that because I know that he is busy with a family in the church and getting ready to conduct a funeral tomorrow.  Oh, and just for your logistical knowledge, they live about 2 hours south of me.  I have Men’s Breakfast on Saturday morning and church service on Sunday where I’ll have a chance to talk with someone if I need/want to.  I also have a few counselors I can contact if needs be.

Anyway, just talking to you guys have helped a lot.  Now, Izzy and I are going to the movies tonight, since we’ve planned this for a few days now, to see Puss in Boots II..  I think we should be saving our money, since somehow I have to come up with $5k for teeth, but she really wants to go and we need to get out every now and then, too.

So, for now…

Marriage

1.”My wife is the most suspicious person in the world,” complained the harried husband to a sympathetic friend. “If I come home early, she thinks I’m after something. And if I come home late, she thinks I’ve already had it.”

2. We know a fellow who upon being told by his shrewish wife that she would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea.

3. When the shrew learned her husband had taken a mistress, she demanded, “Does this mean that you’ve had enough of me?” “No, my dear,” he coolly replied. “It means that I haven’t had enough of you.”

4. Martin was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When asked the reason for his haste, he shivered and explained: “I’m afraid that if I should ever fall behind in my payments she might decide to repossess me.”

5. Thomas Gladstone, a stockbroker, received an urgent phone call one afternoon. “My name is Walters,” the caller announced. “About two weeks ago, my wife got a crazy idea and started walking the street, asking me to procure customers for her.” “Just a minute,” Gladstone protested. “You want Dr. Gladstone the psychiatrist. His name is right below mine in the phone book. Many people dial me by mistake.” “No mistake,” came the reply. “I want you to invest all the money we’re making.”

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. 

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.” 

The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. 

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. 

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. 

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telelgram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.” 

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.” 

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. 

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, “I want you to send her the word “comfortable”. 

The operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word “comfortable?” 

The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it very slowly.” 

Disgusting!

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

“Lou,” says the shocked friend, “what are you doing? I’ve known you for over fifteen years and I’ve never seen you take a drink before. What’s going on?”

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, “My wife just ran off with my best friend.” He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

“But,” says the other man, “I’m your best friend!”

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, “Not anymore! He is!”

Night light outside my office.  

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. 

One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?” The other replies, “Oh sure I do.” 

The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?” The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.” 

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?” 

My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in Paradise. 

Why? 

Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple! 

You don’t get smarter when you get older. There just aren’t as many stupid things left you haven’t done.

Our hallways can be exciting places where work AND friendships are taken care of.

Okay, even more disgusting!

A boy went with his father to see a litter of kittens. Back home he told his mother there were two boys and two girls. “How did you know that?” his mother asked.

“Daddy held them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”

My wife still uses curlers in her hair after she washes it.

She came into the Family Room as I was watching TV.

I guess I stared at her funny because she said, “I just set my hair.”

The last thing I remember saying was, “Oh, really? And what time does it go off?”

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are no good in bed either,” and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, “What took you so long to answer the phone?”

She says, “I was in bed.”

“What are you doing in bed at this hour?”

“Getting a second opinion!”

A little lie is like a little pregnancy it doesn’t take long before everyone knows.

“What’s the date today?” asks a blonde.

“I don’t know. You’ve got a newspaper in your hands… why don’t you look at it?”

“That wouldn’t do any good, it’s yesterday’s paper

A little farmboy comes in late for school.

The teacher asks why he’s late.

The farmboy replies, “I had to take the family cow over to the neighbor’s to get her bred by a bull.”

Annoyed, teacher demands, “Can’t your father do that?”

Little farmboy thinks for a moment: replies, “Well, sure… but the bull can do it better.”

My wife doesn’t complain often, but once she was having a old fashioned “heart-to-heart” with me and said, “Hon, you never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you get this far-away look in your eyes after only a few seconds. Please promise me you’ll try to work on that.”

The last thing I remember was replying, “I’m sorry, what was that you were saying?”

A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something.

Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him.

Yet the feeling persisted.

When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried: “Daddy, where’s Mommy?”

Ma and Pa Kettle were sitting on the front porch rocking away listening to Reverend Ike on the radio. The Reverend said, “Place your left hand on the part of your body you want healed, raise your right hand in the air and say, ‘I Believe, I Believe!’ and you shall be healed.” 

Well, Ma placed her left hand inside her blouse over her tired, old heart and lungs, and raised her right hand in the air and shouted, “I Believe, I Believe!” 

Meanwhile, Pa just looked at her like she was some kind of lunatic. Then, Ma started breathing nice and easy, without her old wheeze, and she started rocking twice as fast as before. A wonderful color came back into her cheeks. 

Pa shrugged his shoulders, and figured what the heck. So, he shoved his left hand down the front of his pants. Then, he started to raise his right hand in the air, when Ma said, “Pa, the Reverend said, ‘Heal,’ not raise the dead 

Papa Dragon Most Senior used to be a Lineman for Jersey Central Power & Light Co.  I agree, one of the most valuable linemen in the country.  A thankless job that doesn’t pay near enough.  Like so many others across our country.  And that is a good place to conclude today’s episode of Dragon Laffs.  Until we meet again on Monday.  May your days be filled with Laughter, Love, and Happiness.

And now we’re in a race against time.  It’s Tuesday and I play darts tonight, then we have Wednesday and I have Bible study and then it’s Thursday, which is when this issue is due.  Which means I have no time to put this issue together. 

So, like I said, a race against time.

Usually I would have started it by now, but you guys already know the story of this past weekend and the challenges that I faced, so I’ll not go back through that again, because I SURVIVED!  That’s the important part, the rest of this is all gravy.  But, part of the gravy is getting this done. 

Hence, the race. 

So, without further ado, let us be about the work of racing and see what kind of laughter we can be about laughing. 

In other words…

I never really liked the terminology “Old Farts”?? but this makes me feel better about it. And if you ain’t one, I bet ya you know one! I got this from an “Old Fart” friend of mine! OLD FART PRIDE I’m passing this on as I did not want to be the only old fart receiving it. Actually, it’s not a bad thing to be called, as you will see. Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the National Anthem. Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment.  They know the words and believe in them. Old Farts remember World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam. If you bump into an Old Fart on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women. Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection. Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don’ t like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies. Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it’s about their children or grandchildren. It’s the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by politicians but by the young men and women in the military serving their country. This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country, and decent values. We need them now more than ever. Thank God for Old Farts! Pass this on to all the “Old Farts” you know. I was taught to respect my elders.  ♡ It’s just getting harder to find them! ;‐)

That pretty much describes us quite well, and I’m damn proud to be counted amongst their ranks!

That’s so awfully damn specific…

A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present “Seven Wonders of the World.”  Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes:
1.  Egypt’s Great Pyramids
2.  Taj Mahal
3.  Grand Canyon
4.  Panama Canal
5.  Empire State Building
6.  St. Peter’s Basilica
7.  China’s Great Wall
While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student had not finished her paper yet.  So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list?
The girl replied, “Yes, a little.  I couldn’t quite make up my mind because there were so many.”
The teacher said, “Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help.”
The girl hesitated, the read: “I think the ‘Seven Wonders of the World’ are:
1.  To See…
2.  To Hear…
3.  To Touch…
4.  To Taste…
5.  To Feel…
6.  To Laugh…
7.  And to Love.”
The room was so quiet, you could have heard a pin drop.  The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that we take for granted are truly wondrous!
A gentle reminder:
That the most precious things in life cannot be built by hand or bought by man.
Don’t be too busy to pass this along.

Another oldie but goodie from our pal Joe in NJ:

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time, “like sitting around in the Motorhome and drinking John Smiths isn’t a good thing.”

Talking about my “doing-something-usefull” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She is “only thinking of me,” she said, and suggested, I go down to the old folks Centre and hang out with the fellas.

So I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.

She replied, “Are you nuts? You’re 77 years-old and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”

I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, “Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”

“Oh man, am I in trouble,” I said, “I signed up for five jumps a week!”

The line went dead.

Life as a Senior Citizen isn’t getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.😄

Did you know I have a Chinese brother-in-law?  We’re not talking right now because of the whole COVID thing.  He refuses to accept responsibility and I keep telling him that it’s “his fault” because it was his country that released the thing.  You can’t tell me that it wasn’t done on purpose.  Accident my hind paw!  I know better!  You know better!  And HE knows better!  So yeah, we’re not talking to each other right now.  Besides, he’s just my Sister-in-law’s husband.  Not even a real relation.  So, who cares.

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an elderly old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said, “I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”

I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”

She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.”

I said, “Well, why are you crying?”

She said, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.

I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”

She said, “I can’t remember where I live!”

Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense….

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, “He’s fantastic in bed.” That’s Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you’re fantastic in bed.” That’s Brand Recognition!

There really needs to be a GOOD explanation for that sign.

When we have to secure someone at headquarters for some reason, which we do every now and then.  You know, corporate spying, theft of donuts, that sort of thing.  We have our own private jail cells and our own private jailers.  That’s this guy.  He’s the jailer.  You don’t want to piss him off.  Or take his donuts.

Last year a young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. 

His very first assignment, for the newspaper who hired him, was to write a human interest story. 

He decided to go into the Ozark Mountains to do his research. 

He found an old farmer’s house in an isolated section and introduced himself to the man. 

He then asked him, “Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?” 

The old farmer thought for a moment and said, “Yep, one time a neighbor’s sheep got lost. We all formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home.” 

“I can’t print that!” the young reporter exclaimed. “Can you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?” 

“Yep, one time a neighbor’s daughter got lost. We all formed a posse & found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home.” 

“Hell, I can’t print that either!” cried the frustrated reporter. “Has anything ever happened that made you sad?” 

The old farmer dropped his head and sit quietly for a few seconds. 

Then he timidly replied, “Yep, I got lost once.” 

There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date. 

The guy said, “It’s simple. I just say that I’m a lawyer.” 

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. 

She said, “Oh! You’re a lawyer?” 

He said, “Why, yes I am!” 

So they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself. 

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already screwing someone!” 

LAWYER: “On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?”

WITNESS: “I did.”

LAWYER: “And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duckpond?”

WITNESS: “I did.”

LAWYER: “And did you observe anything?”

WITNESS: “I did.” (Witness remains silent.)

LAWYER: “Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?”

WITNESS: “I saw George.”

LAWYER: ” You saw George *******, the defendant in this case? “

WITNESS: “Yes.”

LAWYER: “Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?”

WITNESS: “Yes.” (Witness remains silent.)

LAWYER: “Well, would you kindly do so?”

WITNESS: ” He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.”

LAWYER: “His ‘thing?'”

WITNESS: “You know… His thing. His di… I mean, his penis.”

LAWYER: “You passed close by the duckpond, the light was good,you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?”

WITNESS: “Yes.”

LAWYER: “Did you say anything to him?”

WITNESS: “Of course, I did!”

LAWYER: “What did you say to him?”

WITNESS: “Morning, George.”

Oh HELL No!

Here’s a Not So Easy Quiz to take … Look for the Answers further down.  You only need 4 correct to pass:

QUIZ

1)      How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2)      Which country makes Panama hats?

3)      From which animal do we get cat gut?

4)      In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5)      What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

6)      The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7)      What was King George VI’s first name?

8 )     What color is a purple finch?

9)      Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10)    What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.

What an incredible waste!!!  Okay, here’s the answers to your quiz.  How many did you get right?  My score is at the bottom.

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1)      How long did the Hundred Years War last? – 116 years

2)      Which country makes Panama hats? – Ecuador

3)      From which animal do we get cat gut? – Sheep and Horses

4)      In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? – November

5)      What is a camel’s hair brush made of? – Squirrel fur

6)      The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? – Dogs

7)      What was King George VI’s first name? – Albert

8 )     What color is a purple finch? – Crimson

9)      Where are Chinese gooseberries from? – New Zealand

10)    What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?  – Orange (of course)

What do you mean, you failed?   Me, too!

Pass this on to your other brilliant friends

Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.

I got 5.  I knew #’s 3, 4, 5, 6, & 10

This one is from Joe in NJ.  I don’t know if I’m surprised or not:

I got a fruit basket from my psychiatrist – it was shrink-wrapped.

A little boy is walking to school one day and hears some kids talking about the yellow flower.

He decides he wants to find out what it is.

He gets to school and says to his teacher, “I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. What is it?”

His teacher says, “I will not tolerate that kind of talk in my classroom! Go to the Principal’s office!”

The little boy goes up to the Principal’s office, and the Principal asks him, “What are you doing up here, son?”

The little boy replies, “I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was and she sent me up here. What is it?”

The Principal says, “I will not have that kind of talk in my school! You are expelled from this school and every other school in the state! Get out!”

So the little boy goes home.

His mother asks, “What are you doing home so early?”

“I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the Principal’s office, and the Principal expelled me from every school in the state. What is the yellow flower?”

His mother says, “Go up to your room! You’re going to bed without dinner. I’ll send your father up to talk to you when he gets home.”

So the little boy goes up to his room, and about 5:00 his dad got home from work. He went up to the boy’s room and said, “Your mom tells me you’ve been a bad boy. What did you do?”

“Well, I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the principal’s office, the Principal expelled me from every school in the state, and mom sent me to bed without dinner. What’s the yellow flower?”

His dad says, “Get out of my house son! I don’t ever want to see you again!”

The little boy is walking down the street, and a few hours later and policeman stopped him. He asked him why he was walking by himself so late at night. The little boy says, “Well, I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the Principal’s office, the Principal expelled me from every school in the state, mom sent me to bed without dinner, and dad kicked me out of the house. Can you tell me what the yellow flower is?”

The policeman says, “That’s enough of that! You’re going to jail for 99 years!”

99 years later, he comes back an old man, and decides he wants to try to find out what the yellow flower is. So he heads to his old school where it all started.

As he was crossing the street, he got hit by a car and he died.

What’s the moral of the story?

 

 

Look both ways before crossing the street.

Isn’t that like the most frustrating joke you’ve ever heard in your whole life?  Oh no, don’t thank me, thank Joe from NJ.  It’s ALL ON HIM!!!

I’d ask what the heck is the yellow flower, but I don’t want to be hit by a car, or sent to jail, or …

And I’m not sure if that’s true or not and I’ve not got enough time to try and look it up, I’ve got to get this done in a hurry and run off to bible study.  I don’t even have time for dinner.  So, with that I’ll say good night.  I’m sure one of you guys will check the veracity of that last one anyway.  So for now, Love and Happiness to you all.

Well, my Saturday class got cancelled, so here I am, thinking about you guys, and I’m going to see what I can put together today for Monday. 

Keepin’ busy. 

Keepin’ busy. 

So, for right now, I’m going to do the laughing and joking thing and then maybe we’ll move on to other things later. 

So,  come on!  Let’s go! We don’t have all day! 

How many of you got that one?

I was shocked, confused, bewildered 
As I entered Heaven’s door, 
Not by the beauty of it all, 
Nor the lights or its decor. 
But it was the folks in Heaven 
Who made me sputter and gasp –
The thieves, the liars, the sinners, 
The alcoholics and the trash. 
There stood the kid from seventh grade 
Who swiped my lunch money twice. 
Next to him was my old neighbor 
Who never said anything nice. 
Bob, who I always thought 
Was rotting away in hell, 
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine, 
Looking incredibly well. 
I nudged Jesus, ‘What’s the deal? 
I would love to hear your take. 
How’d all these sinners get up here? 
God must’ve made a mistake. 
‘And why is everyone so quiet, 
So somber – give me a clue.’ 
‘Hush, child,’ He said, ‘they’re all in shock. 
No one thought they’d be seeing you.’
Author unknown.

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. Paul Ehrlich (1854 – 1915)

One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.

“Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways,” said the nun.

“There must be something you would have of me,” said God.

“Well, there is one thing,” she said.

“Just name it,” said God.

“It’s those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop.”

“Consider it done,” said God. Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”

“There is one thing. But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.

“Name it. Please,” said God.

“It’s the M&M’s,” said the blonde nun. “They’re so hard to peel.”

Let it snow!  And you wonder why Impish is blue!  It’s bloody cold outside!

A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realize that the occupant of the seat next to him is a parrot. The plane takes off and after some minutes a stewardess approaches.

“Can I get you anything, sir?” she asks the man.

“Yes, I’ll have a coffee, please, when you have a minute. Thank you”.

“And for you, sir?” she asks the parrot.

“A double whisky and coke, bitch, and make it quick, I’m thirsty!” demands the parrot.

The stewardess returns a few minutes later with the parrot’s drink, which he snatches without a word.

“Excuse me,” says the man, “but I ordered a coffee”.

“Did you, sir? I’m sorry, I’ll get you one straight away”. By which time the parrot has finished his drink.

“Anything else for you, sir?” the stewardess asks the parrot.

“Yeah, I want another double whisky and coke, tart. Quick, bitch, I can’t wait all night!”

Again the stewardess returns with the parrot’s drink and without the coffee. Naturally the man thinks the only way he is going to get any service is to adopt the attitude of his fellow passenger.

“Listen here you stupid slapper,” he says to the stewardess, “I want my bloody coffee and I want it now, you cow!”

Two minutes later the stewardess returns, but this time with two enormous security guards, who proceed to manhandle the man and the parrot to the back of the plane, open the door and eject them from the plane.

As they hurtle uncontrollably towards earth from 35,000 feet, the parrot turns to the man and says, “You’re a bit of a lippy bastard for someone who can’t fly, aren’t you!”

During a Coffee Break, two men were talking: “My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market garden.”

Replied the first man. “So were you able to find some?” the second man, asked.

“Well when I got to the market, I asked the gardener, ‘These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?’.”

“The gardener said ‘No, you’ll have to do that yourself.’.”

A couple who’d been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, “Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?”

He moved over and sat close to her.

“Dear,” she continued, “do you remember how you used to hold me tight?”

He reached over and held her tight.

“And,” she went on, “do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?”

With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“Well,” answered the husband, “I have to get my teeth.”

“The Girl Scout Cookies are in!”

A man who was really getting behind in paying his bills finally received the following note from one of his creditors:

“Dear Sir, Your account has been on our books for over a year. We want to remind you that we have now carried you longer than your mother did.”

Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When asked why, they say, “A little birdie told me.”

Did you know they probably aren’t lying? It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. – Thus, these creatures are called “Flies Unseen Everywhere” or FUE for short. These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken.

They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend. This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition. And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don’t get it? Those who’s standard response to any given question is, “Huh?”

Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the reason is simply because they don’t have a clucking FUE.

Science jokes … gotta love ’em.  

This is a conversation that took place between a young man and a market surveyor in London.

Surveyor: Which shaving cream do you use?

Young Man: Raymond’s

Surveyor: Which aftershave do you use?

Young Man: Raymond’s

Surveyor: Which deodorant do you use?

Young Man: Raymond’s

Surveyor: Which toothpaste do you use?

Young Man: Raymond’s

Surveyor: Which shampoo do you use?

Young Man: Raymond’s

Surveyor: Which condoms do you use?

Young Man: Raymond’s

Surveyor: (Frustrated) Okay, tell me, What is this Raymond? An international company? A local firm? What???

Young Man: Raymond? He’s my roommate.

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first.”

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, “And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony.”

“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

“Well”, said the elderly priest, “I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional.

“But Father,” protested the young priest. “My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!

I know, my son,” replied the old man. “But that flashing neon sign, “Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell”, can’t stay on the church roof!

As a young boy, Paul was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.

On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test- drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Paul was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Paul’s leg and fracturing his skull. He was very upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence.

But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost! You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.

All the posters came down, the toys were given away – tractors were GONE.

Many years later, Paul went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face. Paul asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears. With that, Paul looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.

“That was amazing!” she said, “How did you do that?”

“No problem”, said Paul, “I’m an ex-tractor fan”

The parish priest very furtively calls the mother superior into his office. This is how their conversation went:

“Sister, I want to show you something.”

“What is it, Father?

“Come into my private room & close the blinds.”

“WHAT?!”

“I said…..”

“I heard what you said – I just can’t believe you’re saying it!”

“Well, I really need you to come in.”

Curious, the nun does as she is told.

“Here, sit on the bed beside me.”

“I have to get out of here.”

“Aren’t you the least bit curious?”

Well, the nun was so she sat down beside him.

“Get under the covers.”

“WHAT?????!!!!!” The nun was really freaking out.

“It doesn’t work otherwise!”

After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers with him.

He whispers: “Come closer.”

Nervously, she does get closer.

“See,” the priest whispers gleefully, “my new watch does glow in the dark!!!!”

So, normally, it would be the political cartoons that would go here, but since I don’t have any ready right now, I decided to go with a collection of comforting words that all of you have sent me over the last couple of … weeks (?) … months (?) … whatever, because they have meant so much to me, perhaps they will mean as much to some of you.

The last one I got most recently, just a few days ago as a matter of fact, and I think I like it best.  It speaks so much truth.  Thank you to all who have sent these and so many, many others to me.  I know my Mary is in a wonderful, glorious place, spending her days with her Heavenly Father.  I KNOW this to be true.  So, how can I be anything other than happy for her?  No, I’m sad for ME!  Does that make sense?  I MISS HER.  That’s personal.  That has nothing to do with her or where she’s gone, it has all to do with me.  Anyway, I’m just talking myself in circles right now, so, let’s continue on with one more set of laughs, cause I’m running out of time to put this one to bed.  But first, let’s read this…

The Calls That Don’t Get Made

By Bob Greene

‘Tim, get your head off the wall.” I heard myself saying the words aloud, though there was no one else around. I laughed, and my first thought was that I should call Tim and tell him. My second thought was that I couldn’t.

I was visiting the town where we grew up. Tim Greiner was the catcher on our high school’s baseball team, a starting end on the football team, and a guy with whom I cannot recall ever spending a single unhappy moment. His mother would come home from work in the afternoon, we would be sitting on the floor of the living room of his house—he resting his head against the wallpaper— and, without fail, his mom’s first words as she walked in the door would be, “Tim, get your head off the wall.”

So the other afternoon, as I passed his old house, I found myself saying those words and decided to call him and tell him about it, and before I could reach into my pocket for my phone I realized: Tim died in 2009. There’s no one else who would understand.

It happens more and more as you grow older; if it hasn’t happened to you yet, it will. You have good friends who die, and of all the melancholy things that are a part of that, there is one that somehow you never anticipated when you were younger: So often, when there’s something you want to tell the one person in the world who would understand it best, he isn’t there, and never will be again.

It confronts you when you least expect it. At Rubino’s Pizzeria in our town the other night—a place that has been on Main Street since the Eisenhower administration—I walked in and instantly saw that something, for the first time in decades, was different. It was the tabletops: The grungy old ones were gone, replaced by shiny surfaces featuring advertising logos of local companies and likenesses of two of the original employees, Frank Marchese and Tommy Culley. I knew who’d want to know: Allen Schulman, my boyhood friend who had spent as many hours in Rubino’s as I had and who, like me, continued to visit the place as an adult. My hand reached for my pocket again—new tables at Rubino’s were breaking news—and then, as it had outside Tim Greiner’s house, reality intruded. I couldn’t call Allen and tell him. I spoke at his memorial service last January.

The advice manuals about the patterns of mourning break down grief into stages, and that is the usual reference when people try to explain the specifics of loss. But this simple truth—that there’s no one to call—hits you hard every time.

And the moments become more frequent. In our hometown in the 1950s and early ’60s, there was a televised wrestling show—“Lex’s Live Wrestling,” named for its host, a local Chevrolet dealer—that was broadcast every Saturday afternoon from Old Memorial Hall. My friend Kenny Stone and I would ride the bus, buy tickets for 50 cents apiece, and sit entranced as we watched Buddy “Nature Boy” Rogers, Fritz von Goering, Handsome Johnny Barend and the Magnificent Maurice. I passed Old Memorial Hall the other afternoon, noticed that it was now a government building, and knew I had to tell Kenny. But the call went unmade. He’s been gone since 2005, and the news wouldn’t matter to anyone else.

It’s such a quiet and universal part of the cycle of life: As the years pass, for the seemingly small things you most yearn to say, there’s no one left to tell.

Which in itself catches you by surprise. Because no one ever told you about it.

Yup, it’s tough getting older for so many reasons.  So, let’s laugh about it, shall we?

Daughter to Dad … TEXTING Communication in Today’s Generation 

Daddy, I am coming home to get married soon. Get out your check book. LOL
I’m in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland.
We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp,
he proposed to me on Skype, and now we’ve had two months of relationship through Viber.
My beloved and favorite Dad, “I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.” 
Lots of love and thanks,

Your favorite daughter,
Lilly

Dad’s reply ….also by texting

My Dear Lilly: 
Like Wow! Really? Cool!
Whatever….., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids
on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. 
And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay.

L.O.L. (lots of love), 
Daddy

Cat

So, there is a lot of talk about kids identifying as cats or dogs “furries”, and this is hilarious. 😂. Imagine if you can, that one of my boys told me they thought they were a cat?

Sitting at the supper table son says: “Dad, I think I’m a cat!

Dad: “No son, you’re a boy! “

My son: “No dad some of my friends at school identify as cats, they call themselves furries, and so do I !! It’s my right and you can’t do anything about it!”

Dad: 🤔 “OK!! “

My son: “Hey, where’s my supper? “

Dad: “Your supper is in the catfood bowl in the corner. Now get off the table you mangy cat!”

My son: “What???”

Dad: hits him with a broom, “get off the table furball!!”

My son in the corner looking bewildered!

Me to my wife : “Is that cat neutered”??

My wife: “I will make an appointment!! “

My son: “What??? “ 😳

Dad: “Your mother and I have decided we don’t want a house cat, so get out to the barn and hunt mice!”

My son: “What???”

Dad: brandishes broom, “NOW, to the barn you stupid cat!!”

My son: “Dad, I think I’m a boy!”

Dad: “I thought so, now sit down and eat your supper!!”

Spay and neuter these animals. Stop them from reproducing. Today’s society has enough fruit loops already.

End of story!

“Just try to relax, this won’t take long,” said the gynecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient. 

“Haven’t you ever been examined like this before?” he asked.

“Yeah, sure,” she replied, “but not by a doctor!”

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known. 

Some of his sayings:
1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men:
* The ones that learn by reading.
* The few who learn by observation.
* The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
11. Lettin’ the cat outta’ the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

And that is it my dear, dear friends.  As it turns out, you DO get an issue on Monday.  Love and Happiness to you all.