I’m really not sure what I was trying to say with the header today.  Squash the White House…piss on the politicians…we are above the Bidens…something to that effect.  It’s been a tough couple of days living in my head.  Depression is trying to beat me up and I know that it has a lot to do with me needing to get out of my head and keeping my priorities straight.  It seems that everywhere I turn I am reminded of being alone. 

But, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and start looking at life from a different perspective.  Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:8 To the unmarried and widowers I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. It’s not that I’m looking to get remarried, I’m really not.  He was specifically addressing the problem of sexual urges, I’m addressing the problem of companionship and loneliness.  I am content to remain single for the rest of my life, I’m just really tired of being lonely.  And thinking about it, this is probably the wrong venue to be speaking about this.  Probably a better one would be with my elders at church.  But, this is the place where my fingers walk where my mind wanders.  Wow, I really like that.  This is the place where my fingers walk where my mind wanders. Gonna have to remember that.  Anyway, with that golden nugget stuck firmly in our little brains, let’s do some laughing, shall we?  We’ll worry about Impish’s depressive personality disorder some other time.

WAIT!

Is that a new acronym?

DPD?

Depressive Personality Disorder?  I’m going to just scream if that is such a thing.  Hang on a second…

Now it may be that Google is just paying way too much attention to what I’m writing, but I started typing dep… and immediately depressive personality disorder came up as the top choice, but it led me to a web site with the acronym of MDD which stands for Major Depressive Disorder, which is just too darn scary for me, so we’re going to go and laugh instead.  How’s that sound to you guys?

So, we start with the theme songs… we’ve already had, I Look Good Naked Anymore, which I didn’t bother looking for a YouTube video for.  And then there is this one..

This one was supposed to be a theme for a dragon, but ended up being … well, you’ll see

Regardless of anything else, I’m impressed.

Then of course there’s this one, which you would think would be an obvious choice

Just another example of why this species is doomed.

I am the master of ….why the heck is this hill tipping over???

Then there is this entry.  One of the greatest storytellers in music ever!!!

Then there is this gem!  One of the greatest rock songs ever played!  And what could almost be a one hit wonder!  Except I don’t know if it was ever a hit except for us stoners in the 70s!

And just for fun, here is a live version on the Midnight Special.  Any of you remember that show?

 Wow!  I actually found the pilot from the Midnight Special.  August 19, 1972.  John Denver was the first act.  Then the first episode wasn’t until February 2, 1973.  Six months later.  Looks like John Denver is hosting the pilot and not Wolfman Jack.  He would have been 29 years old, but to look at him, he looks like he’s 16.  Too much fun.  I just lost 2 hours playing with past episodes of The Midnight Special.

Really needs something in that message

Those are awesome directions!!
And this next entry into the theme song competition I can honestly say that I’ve never heard of before.  Although I was only somewhat of a fan of their music.  I did like Jane;.

A huge and special thanks to Aussie Pete for this one.  I had to track it down on YouTube so I can show it to you.  He said I would love it and I did and I have to share it with you guys, it is absolutely awesome!!!!

AIN’T NO WAY!  There will definitely be one less mouth to feed, cause I am not going to eat a diet of bugs!  Virgins, fleeing villagers, fine and dandy.  Not bugs.

Charlie was lying on the couch, when his wife went over to him and removed his glasses.

“You know, dear,” she said tenderly, “without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.”

Grinning, Charlie replied, “Honey, without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!”

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:

The lawyer: “Did you actually see the accident?”

The witness: “Yes, sir.”

The lawyer: “How far away were you when the accident happened?”

The witness: “Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.”

The lawyer (thinking he’d trap the witness): “Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?”

The witness: “Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question.”

This one is from Joe from NJ

Long but funny.
_______________
HORSE RACE Line up and odds:

In lane 1. Passionate Lady @ 2 to 1
In lane 2. Bare Belly @ 4 to 1
In lane 3. Silk Panties @ 8 to 1
In lane 4. Conscience @ 100 to 1
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts @ 10 to 1
In lane 6. Clean Sheets @ 25 to 1
In lane 7. Thighs @ 15 to 1
In lane 8. Big Dick @ 2 to 5
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom @ 12 to 1
In lane 10. Merry Cherry @ 50 to 1

AND THEY’RE OFF!!!

Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and
Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.

AT THE HALFWAY MARK:

It’s Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is pushing in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

AT THE TURN

Merry Cherry pops under the strain.
Silk Panties and Jockey shorts are no longer in the picture
Bare Belly is making a final push.
Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE STRETCH:

It’s Big Dick taking charge
Passionate Lady continues to take all Big Dick can offer.
Bare Belly buckles under the pressure
As Thighs are forced wide

AT THE FINISH

It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes
through with one final thrust and wins by a head
Bare Belly shows
Thighs continue to fall back
Heavy Bosom pulls up
And Clean Sheets never had a chance.

Morris Siegel, the owner of a small Kosher New York
deli, was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax
return. He had reported a net profit of $60,000 for the
year.
“Why don’t you people leave me alone?”
the deli owner said. “I work like a dog, everyone in my
family helps out, the place is only closed three days a
year. And you want to know how I made $60,000?”
“It’s not your income that bothers us,”
the agent said. “It’s these business travel
deductions of $125,000. You listed ten trips to Israel for
you and your wife.”
“Oh, that?” the owner said smiling.
“Well….we also deliver.”

Went to the bathroom without my phone…

Just like my ancestors used to do.

That sounds like the entire democratic party and everyone on the left

Yes I would.  BUT!  If it’s OUR justice system that proves treason, it’s completely backwards.  Our justice system is in the pocket of the democratic party, the Clintons, the Obamas, and the Bidens.  The honest upstanding, hardworking, AMERICANS, don’t stand a flippin’ chance!

This is called misdirection.  Magicians use it all the time.  Look at the right hand and pay no attention to what the left hand is doing behind their back.  It’s not like they’ve lied to us (although they do that to us all the time when they can get away with it) no, this is more of a “hide the big stuff behind something even bigger and flashier, even if we have to make it up or stretch it out.  It’s been a LONG time since the news service actually gave us the true news, because EVERYONE is in SOMEONE’s pocket

No, it’s not a typo, but it is incredible stupidity.  The PERFECT example of woke nonsense.

Amen, Ma’am.  I agree with you 100%!  Ms. Watson you have it right.  And every MAN out there will also agree with you.  

She don’t know nuthin’ ’bout nuthin’!

Get caught up on some of our mail…

Jerry, far be it from me to start calling you a racist, nor any of the other campers here, when I would bet that most, if not all of them agree with you.  I know that I do.  The color of your skin does not give you permission, an excuse, or a free pass for behavior that would be unacceptable from any other group of people.  A sin is a sin and we are all exactly equal in God’s eyes.  All He asks is the same from us.  I have heard similar stories where mothers are upset because it is dangerous for their “babies” to rob a grocery store because the owner might have a gun to defend themselves.  How dare they have a legal gun when their child has an illegal one!  I don’t care what color you are, an attitude like that is wrong and it’s time for the upstanding citizens in the community to band together to put an end to it.  And THAT is what Jason’s song is all about.  Because in the small towns, where everyone knows everyone else, that is really likely to not happen.  And if someone does try it, they are NOT going to like the consequences.  It’s not going to be a slap on the wrist like these asinine democrat  controlled (or non-controlled) big cities.  So, go ahead and try that in a small town.  If anyone equates that with racism, then they are probably the racist (and don’t tell me you can’t be a racist if you are black.  That’s as much horse crap as I’ve ever heard.  There’s more black racist then there are white) and they need to take a good long look in the mirror.

When a woman asks you to guess her age, it’s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to defuse a bomb.

Glad I wasn’t born a honey bee!!!

I love it when my pets sigh.

Like, what ails you my little unemployed freeloader?

5-year-old:  [walks up behind me when I’m on the computer]  What game are you playing? 

Me:  Pay the bills.

5-year-old:  Are you winning?

Me: No.

A scammer called my grandma and said he had all her passwords.

She got a pen and paper and said, “Thank God for that, what are they?”

GO TO CHURCH ANYWAY

If you’re having sex before marriage, go to church anyway.
If you are a drug addict trying to beat addiction, got to church anyway.
If you were out drunk all night the night before, go to church anyway.
If you aren’t sure what gender you prefer, go to church anyway.
If you can’t quit that disgusting habit, go to church anyway.
CHRUCH is a HOSPITAL for the BROKEN, LOST, EMPTY, CONFUSED, DESPERATE, and REJECTED. 

Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

My phone just filed a 3 hour documentary about life inside my pocket.

Woo Hoo!!!!
I won $2.00 in the Mega Millions Lottery!!!
Please respect our privacy as our family decides how to move forward in this exciting and pivotal moment in time.

Dear Paranoid People who check behind their shower curtains for murderers.  If you DO find one, what’s your plan?

This sounds a little rough!!!

And with that I’m going to call it an issue!  It’s been fun!  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

I can tell I’ve had a rough week. Today is Thursday as I start this writing to you and I woke up feeling like crap so I called in sick, but looking at my calendar, I missed two birthdays this week.  Not that I would have done anything super special for them, but I would have at least texted to wish them both a happy birthday.  So, I messaged them both with a happy belated birthday.  (Sorry Stephanie) The mower is still in the shop with no word yet, waiting to hear from them.  And my poor Willow Dragon has pooped on the floor three times in the last couple of days which is COMPLETELY outside of her norm, so I’m wondering if she’s not feeling well either. 

My depression is over the moon right now.  I just want to curl up in a ball and do nothing, but I know if I do that, then that is exactly what I will do.  So, I turned to Dragon Laffs and you guys to try to alleviate some of that gouging depression that is eating its way through my chest.  So, let’s do all of us a favor and

That’s a lot of friggin’ bananas!!!

This one is from Stephanie and it’s really interesting.  Thanks Stephanie…

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.

I asked her not to do that.

“Why?”

“Because it’s been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs.”

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Wow! How do you know all this stuff?”

“Uh,” I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, “Um, it’s on the mommy test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a mommy.”

“Oh.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

” I get it!” she beamed. “Then if you flunk, you have to be the daddy.”

Notice to people who visit my home.

1. The dog lives here. You don’t.

2. If you don’t want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. Yes, she has some disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. What’s your point?

4. OF COURSE she smells like a dog.

5. It’s her nature to try to sniff your crotch. Please feel free to sniff hers.

6. I like her a lot better than I like most people.

7. To you she’s a dog. To me she’s an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly. I have no problem with any of these things.

8. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don’t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don’t hang out with drug-using friends, don’t smoke or drink, don’t worry about whether they have the latest fashions, don’t wear your clothes, don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell the pups.

9. The same applies for the cats, except they will ignore you…until you’re asleep

Dragons and fairies have been friends for a long time.

This is an old one, but worth replaying over and over again.

By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, “Why are you spending so much time on this one?” 

And the Lord answered, “Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart-and she will do everything with only two hands.” 

The angel was astounded at the requirements. “Only two hands!? No way! And that’s just on the standard model? That’s too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrowto finish.” 

“But I won’t,” the Lord protested. “I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days.” 

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. “But you have made her so soft, Lord.” 

“She is soft,” the Lord agreed, “but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish.”

“Will she be able to think?”, asked the angel. 

The Lord replied, “Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate.” 

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman’s cheek. “Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.” 

“That’s not a leak,” the Lord corrected, “that’s a tear!” 

“What’s the tear for?” the angel asked. 

The Lord said, “The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride.” 

The angel was impressed. “You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing.” 

And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. 

They stand up to injustice. They don’t take “no” for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. 

Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. 

They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give. 


HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH. 

Doug and Bill went out drinking one night and didn’t get home till the wee hours.

They see each other the next day at work and Bill asks, “Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?”

Doug replies, “No, but that didn’t keep her from talking for two hours.

Penny was a hard working, conscientious girl, who lived on her own. Her dream in life was to go on an ocean cruise around the world. So she scrimped, and she saved, and she saved, and she scrimped until finally, one day, she had enough money to go on her ocean cruise.

She booked passage on a cruise liner — first class all the way. The cruise started off in a grandiose scale, dancing and parties every night. But Penny was a cautious girl, so she never drank, but just danced the night away.

One night, after they had been at sea for a week, Penny was walking back to her cabin, when the heel on her left shoe broke throwing her off balance. If that wasn’t enough, the ship chose that moment to tilt to the left. As a result, Penny was thrown overboard.

A hue and a cry were immediately raised, and after about five minutes they found Penny. Hauling her aboard, the ship’s crew realized that it was too late, poor Penny was dead.

Normally, they would have done a burial at sea, but as I said before, Penny was a very conscientious girl, and had written a will. In it, she specified that she wished for her body to be cremated, and kept in a jar on her parent’s fireplace mantel.

Her wishes were fulfilled, which just goes to show you that a Penny saved is a Penny urned.

“I’m telling you, I can get you as many as you want at 5 gold pieces each.”

A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, “Mommy, my stomach hurts.” 

Her mother replied, “That’s because it’s empty, you have to put something into it!”  She then prepared a bowl of soup. 

Later that day when the pastor and his wife were over for dinner.  

The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, “I have such a terrible headache!” 

The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, “That’s because it’s empty, you have to put something into it!” 

The only difference between me and a madman is that I’m not mad.

– Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

That will bring some of you guys way back.

Father visiting America, from Europe, for the very first time.

Goes up & down the aisles with his son, at the local Giant Food Store.

Dad: “Vas diss?? Powdered orange juice??”

Son: “Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh orange juice.”

A few minutes later, in a different aisle

Dad: “Und vas dis?? Powdered milk?”

Son: “Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!”

A few minutes later, in a different aisle

Dad: “Und give a look here!! Baby Powder !! Vat a country, vat a country!”

One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse’s office.

When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. “Why are you dressed like that?” I asked her.

“I told my son,” she explained, “that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I’ve come to spend the day with him!”

There’s no reason to tailgate me when I’m doing 50 in a 35.

And those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous. 

I often look at my children and can’t see me in them. 

Then they open their mouth and say something sarcastic and I’m like there I am!

My brother in arms Wheats asked me to pass this next one on, so that’s what I am doing.  I think it’s GREAT!!

People who say they don’t have time for my B.S. need to learn how to manage their time better. 
Wake up an hour earlier. 
Use better time management techniques.  

I saw two guys wearing matching outfits and asked if they were gay?

They arrested me.

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image.  Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s removed from the body.

You know you’re over 40 when you have “upstairs ibuprofen” and “downstairs ibuprofen”.

Still trying to get my head around the fact that “Take Out” can mean food, dating, or murder.

When you realize that 1970 and 2022 are as far apart as 1970 and 1918….

I’m just gonna need a minute…

A woman with a salad walked past me in the restaurant and said, “You know a cow died so you could eat that beef burger.”  I said, “If you weren’t eating its food, it might have lived.”

Hey, I want you to pay attention to this one…

Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

I AM SWIFT AS A GAZELLE.

An old one. 

With arthritis. 

Run over by a land rover.

Seven days ago.

And that’s it.  It helped…not as much as I wanted, but it helped.  May God Bless you and keep you until next time.

And just like that

It’s Saturday again.  The weekend is here.  I’m starting this one on the Sunday before, just because…um…I am starting this on the Sunday before.  I’m predicting it’s going to be an interesting week.  Mostly because I’ve got some really stupid…er…I mean, I’ve got some really important, yeah, important things to take care of this week.  So, unless I finish this tonight, which is doubtful, I’ll try and keep you guys updated. 

But, let’s start with some laughter and then get into some comments and some other stuff.

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonald’s’.

I have SO MANY questions.

This is a cute one from Leah D.

Which word does not belong?

beekeeper, dumbbell, dumbstruck, untruthful

I’ll tell you in a second…

Answer to the little riddle…

Dumbbell.  All the other words have only one of the vowels (a, e, i, o, u)

“I NEED A PODIATRIST!!!  THIS INGROWN NAIL IS KILLING ME!!!”

(Okay, so I freely admit, it’s not my best work)

On a thundering rainy day, Mom went to pick up her six year old son from school thinking that he would be afraid of the lightning.  But she found him smiling at the sky for every lightning flash. 

She asks, “Why are you smiling?”

Her son replied, “God is taking my pictures and I need to look good.”

Life is simple.  We complicate it.

Finding out stripper poles spin in place instead of strippers around the poles, is the grown-ups finding out Santa isn’t real.

Is it not always that way with our wives?

I judge people by how they treat animals, how they treat the waitstaff at restaurants and what they do with their shopping cart when they’re done with it.

Dragon Laffs Northern Headquarters

Because we teach our kids that we always attack what’s different?

Sometimes, all you need is for someone just to be there, even if they can’t solve your problems.  Just knowing there is someone who cares can make all the difference.

That’s the same recipe that grief requires.  Someone to talk to and someone to listen.  If given the opportunity or the need, be one or the other…the one who talks or the one who listens.

I end a lot of my sentences with “just saying” because ending the sentence with “dumb ass” would probably be considered offensive.

Here’s a bunch of really cute ones by really little kids…

You will never understand the damage you did to someone until the same thing is done to you.  
That’s why I’m here.
–Karma

Know the difference between those who stay to feed the soil and those who come to grab the fruit.

Okay, that’s just wrong!!

I have now learnt the true meaning of old age.  Yesterday, as I lay basking on my verandah, my wife, who was engaged in some domestic maintenance, came to me and said, “Darling, what I need is a really long screw.”

Without a single thought, I went out to the shed to look for one.

Tapping our oil reserves instead of drilling is as stupid as tapping your 401k instead of going to work.

I think we can conclude that the “Time Out” generation didn’t produce as good of citizens as the “Ass Beating” generation.

Inoculate your kids against socialism by having them clean the bathroom.  Pay them $10.  Then take away $7 and give it to their sibling who didn’t help.

Socialism won’t seem so attractive then!

Nothing says, “We’re lying our asses off,” quite like saying, “We’re going after the rich!” and then wanting to know everyone’s bank account activity over $600.

There’s not “A Wide Range Of Genders.”

There are Two Genders and a Wide Range Of Mental Disorders.

If your students know your political affiliation you have failed as a teacher.  Teachers are there to help students think for themselves not think like you.

If you believe a 3.5 trillion dollar spending bill will cost us “$0”, you are as dumb as they think you are.

97% of Scientists Agree with Whoever is Funding Them.

Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running over. He says ”Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy’s closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed…”

The mother interupts him. ”Stop right there!! Wait ’till daddy comes home!!”

When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ”I’m leaving you.”

The father, bewildered, slowly asks ”Why!?! What did I do??”

The mother turns to Johnny and says ” tell daddy exactly what you told me today!”

”I was playing in daddy’s closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took each other’s clothes off and laid down on the bed…just like what you and Uncle Joe did last summer.”

I really like the picture of this squirrel.  Just as much as this one..

So, I have to play with it a bit, but…

One day, two deputies in the Sheriff’s Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side. “No doubt about it,” one deputy said to the other. “This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.” 

“You’re right,” the other deputy replied. “Double murder and suicide. But I’ll bet you when the sheriff gets here he’s going to say ‘it could have been worse’.” 

“No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn’t be worse. You’re on.” 

About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw t! he man on the floor with the gun by his side. “No doubt about it,” the sheriff said, shaking his head. “It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.” After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. “But, you know,” he said, “it could have been worse.” 

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, “Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn’t have been worse??” 

“Yes it could,” the sheriff retorted. “You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!” 

Were it that easy.

“My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she’d have killed him if we hadn’t stopped her.” 

“He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?” 

“No, that’s not what made her the maddest.” 

“It’s not?” 

“No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains.” 

Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard over the radio at an airport control tower:

Helicopter Pilot: “Tower, I’m holding at 3000 over Heli-pad 1.”

Second voice: “NO!!! You can’t be doing that! I’m holding at 3000 over that pad!”

There was a brief moment of silence.

First voice again: “You idiot! You’re my co-pilot!”

I really like this picture.

Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.

If McDonald’s sold hotdogs, would you be able to, with a straight face, order a McWiener and tell them to supersize it?

So now cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws aren’t.

That must be frustrating.

Someone said, “30 years ago” and my mind went, “Ah yes!  The 1970’s”, but they meant 1992, and now I need to lie down.

People giving directions like “Head South”…

Listen Lewis and Clark, do I turn at the Chick-Fil-A or go towards Target?

I don’t think that word means what you think it means…

The Correct Term for “gluten-free sugarless vegan brownies” is “compost”.

I concur.  That’s 209.66°F

And with that we’re going to call it a day.  Thanks for all your attention, wonderful comments and feedback, and support.  Until we meet again, may God Bless you and yours with Love and Happiness.

Life keeps getting interesting.  My lawnmower, a nice ride-on craftsman, is giving me problems.  Turned  it in to the repair shop, had a real nice conversation about religion and bibles with the owner.  He had a stack of bibles on the counter, so I took that as an opportunity to talk to him.  Spent more time talking about that then about my machine.  He’ll do me well.  But, I’m still worried about it. 

But, then I thought, it’ll all work out.  It always does because God always makes sure it does.  Even when I don’t think He does…He does.  He takes care of me, even when I don’t think He does.  So Lord, if you could see Your way clear to not kicking my butt too bad on the mower repairs, that would be Great!  

I feel like I got a lot of work done today, which is Saturday, by the way…today…Saturday…all I really did was turn the mower in, did a teeny-tiny bit of grocery shopping (only spent like $35 so that tells you how teeny-tiny it was), cut up a big box and put it out for the trash, did a load of laundry, vacuumed the floor, and now started this Thursday issue of Dragon Laffs.  I also started watching SEAL Team on Paramount + from the first season.  It’s actually a pretty good show, even if they’ve gotten the specs on the chemical weapons wrong, but … the average person wouldn’t know that.  It’s a good show.  It’s distracting me from doing this.  LOL! 

Have you heard of the crap that Jason Aldean is going through over his new song, Try that In A Small Town?  The song was blocked from CMT, people are calling him a racist, a bigot, and saying that he is making money off of bigotry.  I am mad as hell over it, because that is NOT what he is saying at all!  Now, anyone of you who knows me, knows that I am NOT a fan of country music.  Not in the least, but I’m putting his song up, right here for you guys to judge for yourself.

Now, you tell me.  How many of you have wanted to say the exact same thing?  “Wish they’d try that crap around here!  We’d straighten their butts out!”  That’s all he’s saying.  If any individual race, party or organization feels as though they are being singled out or discriminated against, then maybe they need to take a good hard look at themselves in the mirror, hit their knees and ask God for some forgiveness and direction.  Because I don’t see anything wrong with this man’s song AT ALL!!! 

Now, enough about that.  Let’s move on to other things, because right now, I’m mad as hell, I just got done having a yelling match at Izzy because, of course, my little communist takes the other side of things, and I need something to laugh about.

Okay, that last part sounds like a threat!

And if we’re going to do videos, here’s one that Ted sent me by Toby Keith called Happy Birthday America.  Why do they all have to be country music?  Thanks Ted!!

AAANNNDDD I guess we’re STILL doing videos because Leah D sends this email:

I’ve been thinking, you need a theme song.  What would someone else nominate?

I nominate Arrow’s, 1982:

So Leah wants to get a theme song for … not sure which.  Either Dragon Laffs or me, Impish Dragon.  We are almost synonymous, but not quite.  So, she is soliciting suggestions, nominations, or what have you.  What do you guys think?  She’s calling it, the Theme Song Challenge

[Ordering cake over phone] “And what would you like the cake to say?”

[Covering phone to ask wife] “Do we want a talking cake?”

“You know we’re going to have to fly down there and eat someone, just to make a point, right?”

“Yeah, I know…”

I’ve never wrestled an angry alligator, but I have taken off a wet sports bra in the middle of summer.  So…same thing.

He is really cute.

Him:  Tell me your wildest fantasy? 

Her:  Sleeping through the night, and waking up to a clean house, a fit body, no wrinkles, laundry done and put away, a full on buffet breakfast with no calories, and a million bucks in my purse.

Have y’all ever tried doing the speed limit and thought they can’t be serious!

Deadly and beautiful

U-Haul has the worst drivers of any company.

Research shows that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog.  So, now I’m sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping, while we have bears out there using Charmin?

I can look past most of your flaws.
Emotionally distant?  Okay.
Slight drinking problem?  Fine.
Killed a man once due to circumstances you can’t talk about?  Whatever.
But saying, “I seen,” instead of  “I saw,” is just something I can’t and won’t tolerate.

Pay attention to how people talk about other people to you in private.

Because that’s exactly how they talk about you to others.

Why’s it just got to be winter.  Why can’t we drive with cake all year round?

Shouldn’t be a real problem

Now see this one I get.  There is so little of it, that it is pretty important to take care of it.

20’s:  I hope I can be normal long enough for them to like me. 

30’s:  They can like me or not.  I don’t care.

40’s:  Maybe if I act REALLY weird they will leave and I can go to bed early.

I was winning an argument with the wife, but then she took her top off…

I was speechless, it was a booby trap.

Fact of the Day:

Hot Showers At Alcatraz

Alcatraz, the infamous island prison located in the San Francisco Bay, allowed its prisoners to take hot showers.  This wasn’t out of kindness, this was a deterrent to those thinking about fleeing by swimming across the much colder waters.

Yeah, THAT worked well.

I TRY TO BE A NICE PERSON… BUT SOMETIMES MY MOUTH DOESN’T COOPERATE.

Fact of the Day:

The Science of Kissing

The science of kissing has an official name.  And that name is Philematology.  

Don’t give up on your dreams

Go back to bed

If you can’t look back at your younger self and realize you were an idiot, you are probably still an idiot.

Fact of the Day:

It’s About The Same Size

What do the city of San Francisco and Disney World in Orlando have in common?  They are roughly the same size, approximately 40 square miles.  

I have a pet manatee named Hugh.  I built him a house.  It’s a habitat for Hugh manatee.

Scientists discover how trees communicate.

They bark.

Okay, so with that sage advice, we’ll call it a day.  May God Bless and keep you all until next time.

And now it’s Monday.  Time is just flying by.  I really don’t know what to say to start today off.  So, maybe I’ll come back later and add to this, so for now…

But wait!  I’m back, with something to share…

I got this really wonderfully nice comment from Leah that I want to share with you right up front…

Mom: Your son brought a note home from school today.

Dad: What did it say?

Mom: They want a written excuse for his presence.

A vacationer called a seaside hotel to ask its location. “It’s only a stone’s throw from the beach,” he was told.

“But how will I recognize it?” asked the man.

“It’s the one with all the broken windows,” said the clerk.

Boy, ain’t that the truth!

Aphorism is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner.   

• I read that 4,153,237 people were married last year.
  • Not to cause any trouble …. but shouldn’t that be an even number? 
• I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom …
  • Until they are flashing behind you. 
• When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their bodies.
  • Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts. 
• Relationships are a lot like algebra.
  • Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? 
• America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy …
  • But won’t cross the street to vote. 
• You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone?
  • That’s common sense leaving your body . 
• My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
  • We’ll see about that! 
• I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been Googling my name on her computer.
  • I saw it through my telescope last night. 
• Money talks …
  • But all mine ever says is good-bye. 
• You’re not fat,
  • You’re just easier to see. 
• If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive,
  • Try missing a couple of payments. 
• I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.
  • Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?” 
• I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penney …
  • Has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor” 
• The location of your mailbox …
  • Shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient. 

Even the longest roads start with the first step.

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.
“Life begins,” said the priest, “at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus.”
“I believe,” said the minister, “that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin.”
“You’ve both got it wrong,” said the rabbi. “Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house!”

Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!

Doctor: Don’t worry about it. You’ll pass eventually.

Liz: I’m the examiner!

“Mom, hey, Mom! Lennie passed his bar exam so we’re going to get married next week!”

The bride-to-be was ecstatic. “Gee, honey, don’t you think you two should wait till he’s been practicing for a year or so?” cautioned her mother.

“Oh Mom,” said the bride with a blush, “we’ve been practicing.”

“I don’t know, he looks fairly harmless…”

Notes For The English Milkman

“Dear Milkman, I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.”

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

“Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it”

Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

“Milkman. please could I have a loaf but not bread today.”

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

“Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.”

When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you ‘to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV’s broken down and I missed last nights Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened.

“My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle.”

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.”

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

“From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.”

My back door is open. Please put milk in ‘fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.

“Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.”

When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don’t leave any milk.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.”

1. Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?

In case they get a hole in one!

2. What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

3. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

4. What does a sprinter eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast!

5. What do you call someone with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

6. What do you call a fish with no eye?

A fsh.

7. Why are elevator jokes so funny?

They work on many levels.

8. What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament?

Live stream it.

9. What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

10. What does a baby computer call his father?

Data.

And here’s a BONUS joke for the road….

I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat, it was obvious that she thought her cat understood her…I came to my house, I told my dog…we laughed and laughed.

This is a beautiful story sent in by Stephanie that you need to check out.  That’s Steph, for sharing with the rest of us. https://www.ladbible.com/news/us-news/paul-alexander-iron-lung-machine-usa-474412-20230719

Another good one from Stephanie.  This one is worth watching just for the laughs!  Thanks for another great share, Steph. https://www.facebook.com/reel/1242981943188006?sfnsn=mo&s=F5x8gs&fs=e&mibextid=6AJuK9

No amount of facts or reason can convince those who willfully choose to remain ignorant.

Life Hacks for 2023: 
1)  If Bill Gates is involved, avoid it.
2)  If the news says it’s good for you, it’s not.
3)  If Klaus says you will be happy, you won’t.
4)  If the FDA says it’s safe, it’s probably not.
5)  If you’re being silenced it’s because you’re sharing the truth.

If people can go to prison for lying to congress, shouldn’t members of congress go to prison for lying to the people?

Once you understand that the “solution” wasn’t created to solve the “problem”, but the “problem” was intentionally created for the “solution” to be rolled out — then you will comprehend the magnitude of evil in the people behind everything.

I WON’

This one is from Joe and he says:

Subject: 1% ers  –  Hard to believe but this includes many of us. Shocking .

99% of those born between 1930 and 1946 (worldwide) are now dead.

• If you were born in this time span, you are one of the rare surviving one percenters of this special group.
• Their ages range is between 77 and 93 years old, a 16-year age span.

INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT THE 1% ERS:

• You are the smallest group of children born since the early 1900’s.

• You are the last generation, climbing out of the depression, who can remember the winds of war and the impact of a world at war that rattled the structure of our daily lives for years.
• You are the last to remember ration books for everything from gas to sugar to shoes to stoves.
• You saved tin foil and poured fried meat fat into tin cans.
• You can remember milk being delivered to your house early in the morning and placed in the “milk box” on the porch.
• Discipline was enforced by parents and teachers. 
• You are the last generation who spent childhood without television; instead, you “imagined” what you heard on the radio.
• With no TV, you spent your childhood “playing outside”.
• There was no Little League.
• There was no city playground for kids.
• The lack of television in your early years meant that you had little real understanding of what the world was like.
• We got “black-and-white” TV in the late 40s that had 3 stations and no remote.
• Telephones were one to a house, often shared (party lines), and hung on the wall in the kitchen (no cares about privacy).
• Computers were called calculators; they were hand-cranked.
• Typewriters were driven by pounding fingers, throwing the carriage, and changing the ribbon.
• ‘INTERNET’ and ‘GOOGLE’ were words that did not exist.
• Newspapers and magazines were written for adults and the news was broadcast on your radio in the evening (your dad would give you the comic pages when he read the news).
• New highways would bring jobs and mobility. Most highways were 2 lanes (no interstates).
• You went downtown to shop. You walked to school.
• The radio network expanded from 3 stations to thousands.
• Your parents were suddenly free from the confines of the depression and the war, and they threw themselves into working hard to make a living for their families. 
• You weren’t neglected, but you weren’t today’s all-consuming family focus.
• They were glad you played by yourselves.
• They were busy discovering the postwar world.
• You entered a world of overflowing plenty and opportunity; a world where you were welcomed, enjoyed yourselves.
• You felt secure in your future, although the depression and poverty were deeply remembered.
• Polio was still a crippler. Everyone knew someone who had it.
• You came of age in the ’50s and ’60s.
• You are the last generation to experience an interlude when there were no threats to our homeland.
• World War 2 was over, and the cold war, terrorism, global warming, and perpetual economic insecurity had yet to haunt life.
• Only your generation can remember a time after WW2 when our world was secure and full of bright promise and plenty.
• You grew up at the best possible time, a time when the world was getting better.
• More than 99% of you are retired now, and you should feel privileged to have “lived in the best of times!”
• If you have already reached the age of 77 years old, you have outlived 99% of all the other people in the world who were born in this special 16 year time span. You are a 1% ‘er”!

While visiting a museum with my kids, we were impressed with the very large dinosaur. I asked the guide how old it was.

“1 million yrs. and 94 days” he replied.

“How did you determine the exact age?

“It was 1 million yrs old when I started working here 94 days ago.”

Stephanie sent this to me in a format I couldn’t use and I love this one so much I tracked it down in YouTube that I can use…

Set your WIFI password to 2444666668888888.

So when someone asks, tell them it’s 12345678 

Apart from being exhausted, financially unstable, nearing a mental breakdown, and being fat, everything is great.  Thanks.

When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore.  I just went along with what my parents chose.

When I look in old photo albums, I realize that they didn’t care either.

Random Thought of the Day:

If someone threw a rock and knocked you off your donkey, would you be stoned off your ass?

Technically, yes.

Doctor:  You need to listen to your body more. 

My Body:  You’re old and you want tacos.

And that’s it, my true and gracious friends.  May you be Blessed by God with Love and Happiness until we meet again.