I need to talk to you guys. Well, I need to talk and you guys are the best people that I have to talk to. I got a phone call today while I was at work that really threw me. My sister-in-law called. Mary’s brother’s wife and told me that Mary’s other brother (not the wife’s husband) died today. He just collapsed. She was crying really hard when she called so it was tough to get any information out of her so I’m not sure if he was at work or what all, but he just collapsed and died.
The weird thing is, I don’t know how I feel about it. I mean, I’m sad and I feel bad. I know how his poor wife and kids feel, truly I do, but I feel like I should be more upset inside and I don’t.
It’s almost like there’s this little blank spot inside of me where something should be over this.
And THAT has me more concerned than anything right now.
Does that mean that I’m broken, now?
I’ll tell you guys honestly, my first action was to bow my head and pray for his wife and kids and ask God to bless them and comfort them and to welcome him into Heaven. And then ask God to comfort his family, i.e. his brothers and sisters, who I know are going to be devastated, especially after having just lost their sister Mary last year. Heck, it was just 4 days past the anniversary of Mary’s passing. But, then my first desire was to call my Pastor and talk to him about what I was feeling and what was going on.
Now, I didn’t do that because I know that he is busy with a family in the church and getting ready to conduct a funeral tomorrow. Oh, and just for your logistical knowledge, they live about 2 hours south of me. I have Men’s Breakfast on Saturday morning and church service on Sunday where I’ll have a chance to talk with someone if I need/want to. I also have a few counselors I can contact if needs be.
Anyway, just talking to you guys have helped a lot. Now, Izzy and I are going to the movies tonight, since we’ve planned this for a few days now, to see Puss in Boots II.. I think we should be saving our money, since somehow I have to come up with $5k for teeth, but she really wants to go and we need to get out every now and then, too.
So, for now…
1.”My wife is the most suspicious person in the world,” complained the harried husband to a sympathetic friend. “If I come home early, she thinks I’m after something. And if I come home late, she thinks I’ve already had it.”
2. We know a fellow who upon being told by his shrewish wife that she would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea.
3. When the shrew learned her husband had taken a mistress, she demanded, “Does this mean that you’ve had enough of me?” “No, my dear,” he coolly replied. “It means that I haven’t had enough of you.”
4. Martin was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When asked the reason for his haste, he shivered and explained: “I’m afraid that if I should ever fall behind in my payments she might decide to repossess me.”
5. Thomas Gladstone, a stockbroker, received an urgent phone call one afternoon. “My name is Walters,” the caller announced. “About two weeks ago, my wife got a crazy idea and started walking the street, asking me to procure customers for her.” “Just a minute,” Gladstone protested. “You want Dr. Gladstone the psychiatrist. His name is right below mine in the phone book. Many people dial me by mistake.” “No mistake,” came the reply. “I want you to invest all the money we’re making.”
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telelgram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, “I want you to send her the word “comfortable”.
The operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word “comfortable?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it very slowly.”
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
“Lou,” says the shocked friend, “what are you doing? I’ve known you for over fifteen years and I’ve never seen you take a drink before. What’s going on?”
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, “My wife just ran off with my best friend.” He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
“But,” says the other man, “I’m your best friend!”
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, “Not anymore! He is!”
Night light outside my office.
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?” The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”
The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?” The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”
My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in Paradise.
Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!
You don’t get smarter when you get older. There just aren’t as many stupid things left you haven’t done.
Our hallways can be exciting places where work AND friendships are taken care of.
Okay, even more disgusting!
A boy went with his father to see a litter of kittens. Back home he told his mother there were two boys and two girls. “How did you know that?” his mother asked.
“Daddy held them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”
My wife still uses curlers in her hair after she washes it.
She came into the Family Room as I was watching TV.
I guess I stared at her funny because she said, “I just set my hair.”
The last thing I remember saying was, “Oh, really? And what time does it go off?”
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are no good in bed either,” and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, “What took you so long to answer the phone?”
She says, “I was in bed.”
“What are you doing in bed at this hour?”
“Getting a second opinion!”
A little lie is like a little pregnancy it doesn’t take long before everyone knows.
“What’s the date today?” asks a blonde.
“I don’t know. You’ve got a newspaper in your hands… why don’t you look at it?”
“That wouldn’t do any good, it’s yesterday’s paper
A little farmboy comes in late for school.
The teacher asks why he’s late.
The farmboy replies, “I had to take the family cow over to the neighbor’s to get her bred by a bull.”
Annoyed, teacher demands, “Can’t your father do that?”
Little farmboy thinks for a moment: replies, “Well, sure… but the bull can do it better.”
My wife doesn’t complain often, but once she was having a old fashioned “heart-to-heart” with me and said, “Hon, you never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you get this far-away look in your eyes after only a few seconds. Please promise me you’ll try to work on that.”
The last thing I remember was replying, “I’m sorry, what was that you were saying?”
A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something.
Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him.
Yet the feeling persisted.
When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried: “Daddy, where’s Mommy?”
Ma and Pa Kettle were sitting on the front porch rocking away listening to Reverend Ike on the radio. The Reverend said, “Place your left hand on the part of your body you want healed, raise your right hand in the air and say, ‘I Believe, I Believe!’ and you shall be healed.”
Well, Ma placed her left hand inside her blouse over her tired, old heart and lungs, and raised her right hand in the air and shouted, “I Believe, I Believe!”
Meanwhile, Pa just looked at her like she was some kind of lunatic. Then, Ma started breathing nice and easy, without her old wheeze, and she started rocking twice as fast as before. A wonderful color came back into her cheeks.
Pa shrugged his shoulders, and figured what the heck. So, he shoved his left hand down the front of his pants. Then, he started to raise his right hand in the air, when Ma said, “Pa, the Reverend said, ‘Heal,’ not raise the dead