Well, my Saturday class got cancelled, so here I am, thinking about you guys, and I’m going to see what I can put together today for Monday.
So, for right now, I’m going to do the laughing and joking thing and then maybe we’ll move on to other things later.
So, come on! Let’s go! We don’t have all day!
How many of you got that one?
I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven’s door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp –
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.
Bob, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, ‘What’s the deal?
I would love to hear your take.
How’d all these sinners get up here?
God must’ve made a mistake.
‘And why is everyone so quiet,
So somber – give me a clue.’
‘Hush, child,’ He said, ‘they’re all in shock.
No one thought they’d be seeing you.’
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. Paul Ehrlich (1854 – 1915)
One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.
“Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways,” said the nun.
“There must be something you would have of me,” said God.
“Well, there is one thing,” she said.
“Just name it,” said God.
“It’s those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop.”
“Consider it done,” said God. Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”
“There is one thing. But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.
“Name it. Please,” said God.
“It’s the M&M’s,” said the blonde nun. “They’re so hard to peel.”
Let it snow! And you wonder why Impish is blue! It’s bloody cold outside!
A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realize that the occupant of the seat next to him is a parrot. The plane takes off and after some minutes a stewardess approaches.
“Can I get you anything, sir?” she asks the man.
“Yes, I’ll have a coffee, please, when you have a minute. Thank you”.
“And for you, sir?” she asks the parrot.
“A double whisky and coke, bitch, and make it quick, I’m thirsty!” demands the parrot.
The stewardess returns a few minutes later with the parrot’s drink, which he snatches without a word.
“Excuse me,” says the man, “but I ordered a coffee”.
“Did you, sir? I’m sorry, I’ll get you one straight away”. By which time the parrot has finished his drink.
“Anything else for you, sir?” the stewardess asks the parrot.
“Yeah, I want another double whisky and coke, tart. Quick, bitch, I can’t wait all night!”
Again the stewardess returns with the parrot’s drink and without the coffee. Naturally the man thinks the only way he is going to get any service is to adopt the attitude of his fellow passenger.
“Listen here you stupid slapper,” he says to the stewardess, “I want my bloody coffee and I want it now, you cow!”
Two minutes later the stewardess returns, but this time with two enormous security guards, who proceed to manhandle the man and the parrot to the back of the plane, open the door and eject them from the plane.
As they hurtle uncontrollably towards earth from 35,000 feet, the parrot turns to the man and says, “You’re a bit of a lippy bastard for someone who can’t fly, aren’t you!”
During a Coffee Break, two men were talking: “My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market garden.”
Replied the first man. “So were you able to find some?” the second man, asked.
“Well when I got to the market, I asked the gardener, ‘These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?’.”
“The gardener said ‘No, you’ll have to do that yourself.’.”
A couple who’d been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, “Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?”
He moved over and sat close to her.
“Dear,” she continued, “do you remember how you used to hold me tight?”
He reached over and held her tight.
“And,” she went on, “do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?”
With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“Well,” answered the husband, “I have to get my teeth.”
“The Girl Scout Cookies are in!”
A man who was really getting behind in paying his bills finally received the following note from one of his creditors:
“Dear Sir, Your account has been on our books for over a year. We want to remind you that we have now carried you longer than your mother did.”
Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When asked why, they say, “A little birdie told me.”
Did you know they probably aren’t lying? It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. – Thus, these creatures are called “Flies Unseen Everywhere” or FUE for short. These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken.
They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend. This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition. And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don’t get it? Those who’s standard response to any given question is, “Huh?”
Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the reason is simply because they don’t have a clucking FUE.
Science jokes … gotta love ’em.
This is a conversation that took place between a young man and a market surveyor in London.
Surveyor: Which shaving cream do you use?
Young Man: Raymond’s
Surveyor: Which aftershave do you use?
Young Man: Raymond’s
Surveyor: Which deodorant do you use?
Young Man: Raymond’s
Surveyor: Which toothpaste do you use?
Young Man: Raymond’s
Surveyor: Which shampoo do you use?
Young Man: Raymond’s
Surveyor: Which condoms do you use?
Young Man: Raymond’s
Surveyor: (Frustrated) Okay, tell me, What is this Raymond? An international company? A local firm? What???
Young Man: Raymond? He’s my roommate.
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first.”
The young priest nodded and the old one continued, “And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony.”
“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth.”
“Well”, said the elderly priest, “I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional.
“But Father,” protested the young priest. “My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!
I know, my son,” replied the old man. “But that flashing neon sign, “Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell”, can’t stay on the church roof!
As a young boy, Paul was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.
On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test- drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Paul was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Paul’s leg and fracturing his skull. He was very upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence.
But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost! You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.
All the posters came down, the toys were given away – tractors were GONE.
Many years later, Paul went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face. Paul asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears. With that, Paul looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.
“That was amazing!” she said, “How did you do that?”
“No problem”, said Paul, “I’m an ex-tractor fan”
The parish priest very furtively calls the mother superior into his office. This is how their conversation went:
“Sister, I want to show you something.”
“What is it, Father?
“Come into my private room & close the blinds.”
“I heard what you said – I just can’t believe you’re saying it!”
“Well, I really need you to come in.”
Curious, the nun does as she is told.
“Here, sit on the bed beside me.”
“I have to get out of here.”
“Aren’t you the least bit curious?”
Well, the nun was so she sat down beside him.
“Get under the covers.”
“WHAT?????!!!!!” The nun was really freaking out.
“It doesn’t work otherwise!”
After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers with him.
He whispers: “Come closer.”
Nervously, she does get closer.
“See,” the priest whispers gleefully, “my new watch does glow in the dark!!!!”
So, normally, it would be the political cartoons that would go here, but since I don’t have any ready right now, I decided to go with a collection of comforting words that all of you have sent me over the last couple of … weeks (?) … months (?) … whatever, because they have meant so much to me, perhaps they will mean as much to some of you.
The last one I got most recently, just a few days ago as a matter of fact, and I think I like it best. It speaks so much truth. Thank you to all who have sent these and so many, many others to me. I know my Mary is in a wonderful, glorious place, spending her days with her Heavenly Father. I KNOW this to be true. So, how can I be anything other than happy for her? No, I’m sad for ME! Does that make sense? I MISS HER. That’s personal. That has nothing to do with her or where she’s gone, it has all to do with me. Anyway, I’m just talking myself in circles right now, so, let’s continue on with one more set of laughs, cause I’m running out of time to put this one to bed. But first, let’s read this…
The Calls That Don’t Get Made
By Bob Greene
It’s an inside joke— and the only other person who got it is no longer alive.
‘Tim, get your head off the wall.” I heard myself saying the words aloud, though there was no one else around. I laughed, and my first thought was that I should call Tim and tell him. My second thought was that I couldn’t.
I was visiting the town where we grew up. Tim Greiner was the catcher on our high school’s baseball team, a starting end on the football team, and a guy with whom I cannot recall ever spending a single unhappy moment. His mother would come home from work in the afternoon, we would be sitting on the floor of the living room of his house—he resting his head against the wallpaper— and, without fail, his mom’s first words as she walked in the door would be, “Tim, get your head off the wall.”
So the other afternoon, as I passed his old house, I found myself saying those words and decided to call him and tell him about it, and before I could reach into my pocket for my phone I realized: Tim died in 2009. There’s no one else who would understand.
It happens more and more as you grow older; if it hasn’t happened to you yet, it will. You have good friends who die, and of all the melancholy things that are a part of that, there is one that somehow you never anticipated when you were younger: So often, when there’s something you want to tell the one person in the world who would understand it best, he isn’t there, and never will be again.
It confronts you when you least expect it. At Rubino’s Pizzeria in our town the other night—a place that has been on Main Street since the Eisenhower administration—I walked in and instantly saw that something, for the first time in decades, was different. It was the tabletops: The grungy old ones were gone, replaced by shiny surfaces featuring advertising logos of local companies and likenesses of two of the original employees, Frank Marchese and Tommy Culley. I knew who’d want to know: Allen Schulman, my boyhood friend who had spent as many hours in Rubino’s as I had and who, like me, continued to visit the place as an adult. My hand reached for my pocket again—new tables at Rubino’s were breaking news—and then, as it had outside Tim Greiner’s house, reality intruded. I couldn’t call Allen and tell him. I spoke at his memorial service last January.
The advice manuals about the patterns of mourning break down grief into stages, and that is the usual reference when people try to explain the specifics of loss. But this simple truth—that there’s no one to call—hits you hard every time.
And the moments become more frequent. In our hometown in the 1950s and early ’60s, there was a televised wrestling show—“Lex’s Live Wrestling,” named for its host, a local Chevrolet dealer—that was broadcast every Saturday afternoon from Old Memorial Hall. My friend Kenny Stone and I would ride the bus, buy tickets for 50 cents apiece, and sit entranced as we watched Buddy “Nature Boy” Rogers, Fritz von Goering, Handsome Johnny Barend and the Magnificent Maurice. I passed Old Memorial Hall the other afternoon, noticed that it was now a government building, and knew I had to tell Kenny. But the call went unmade. He’s been gone since 2005, and the news wouldn’t matter to anyone else.
It’s such a quiet and universal part of the cycle of life: As the years pass, for the seemingly small things you most yearn to say, there’s no one left to tell.
Which in itself catches you by surprise. Because no one ever told you about it.
Yup, it’s tough getting older for so many reasons. So, let’s laugh about it, shall we?
Daughter to Dad … TEXTING Communication in Today’s Generation
Daddy, I am coming home to get married soon. Get out your check book. LOL
I’m in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland.
We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp,
he proposed to me on Skype, and now we’ve had two months of relationship through Viber.
My beloved and favorite Dad, “I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.”
Lots of love and thanks,
Your favorite daughter,
Dad’s reply ….also by texting
My Dear Lilly:
Like Wow! Really? Cool!
Whatever….., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids
on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal.
And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay.
L.O.L. (lots of love),
So, there is a lot of talk about kids identifying as cats or dogs “furries”, and this is hilarious. 😂. Imagine if you can, that one of my boys told me they thought they were a cat?
Sitting at the supper table son says: “Dad, I think I’m a cat!
Dad: “No son, you’re a boy! “
My son: “No dad some of my friends at school identify as cats, they call themselves furries, and so do I !! It’s my right and you can’t do anything about it!”
Dad: 🤔 “OK!! “
My son: “Hey, where’s my supper? “
Dad: “Your supper is in the catfood bowl in the corner. Now get off the table you mangy cat!”
My son: “What???”
Dad: hits him with a broom, “get off the table furball!!”
My son in the corner looking bewildered!
Me to my wife : “Is that cat neutered”??
My wife: “I will make an appointment!! “
My son: “What??? “ 😳
Dad: “Your mother and I have decided we don’t want a house cat, so get out to the barn and hunt mice!”
My son: “What???”
Dad: brandishes broom, “NOW, to the barn you stupid cat!!”
My son: “Dad, I think I’m a boy!”
Dad: “I thought so, now sit down and eat your supper!!”
Spay and neuter these animals. Stop them from reproducing. Today’s society has enough fruit loops already.
End of story!
“Just try to relax, this won’t take long,” said the gynecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient.
“Haven’t you ever been examined like this before?” he asked.
“Yeah, sure,” she replied, “but not by a doctor!”
Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known.
Some of his sayings:
1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men:
* The ones that learn by reading.
* The few who learn by observation.
* The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
11. Lettin’ the cat outta’ the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
And that is it my dear, dear friends. As it turns out, you DO get an issue on Monday. Love and Happiness to you all.
Got it, hell I sang it.