Dragon Laffs #2127


The closer and stronger you get with God, the more and harder you will be challenged by satan.  So, I must be doing something really right.  There is so much and so many things going crazy in my life right now, I have no other possible explanation than that. 

I told you guys about my teeth and the fact that they were going to have to wait because I just spent so much money on the car, well we just had Pepper to the vet because she’s been limping since Christmas Eve and she’s got a torn knee and will probably need surgery, although we’re trying to treat her with drugs and stuff first.  $500 bucks to find out what was wrong and the surgery, unless we can somehow get out of it, $3,000 to $5,000.

Come on, man! (That was my Biden, impression)

And people keep dying.  They need to stop doing that.

I told you about Mary’s brother on Thursday and then I found out that one of our Pastors at church passed away on Friday.  I’m writing this on Saturday and waiting for who I’m going to hear about today!  We are in the final days, my dear friends.  I hope you are all right with the Lord.

Okay, preaching moment is over.  So, let’s review what we’ve agreed on.

We’re going to stop dying. 

We’re going to stop costing Impish Dragon money he doesn’t have. 

We’re going to laugh to make it all worthwhile. 

Well, there’s not a whole lot we can do about the first two, but about the last …

If you are going to lose a finger in a pie, you might as well add it to the ingredients.

Gross!  Kinda like the finger.

This one is from Friggin’ Pete, and like we’ve grown to expect, it makes a lot of sense:

Let us start talking again!
 
We, as a society, really have no idea how suffocated people are in their emotions.
 
Most people have nobody to express themselves entirely to. Everyone is holding back their vulnerabilities to maintain the social image of a confident and happy person.
 
Heart-to-heart conversations have become rare, artificial and shallow,  and most hearts are filled with empty defenses.
 
Most people can’t even talk to their life-partners openly for the fear of being judged or rejected. Emotions await just a release. Social images make sure weakness is not glorified.
 
Children have bottled up stress. Young people suffer anxiety and depression.
 
It is just lack of social support. It is lack of non-judgmental friendships. It is result of *fast and busy lives* where nobody has time to just sit and watch someone cry.
 
It is result of instant and impatient lifestyle practices, that emotions have started feeling like waste of time.
 
We have WhatsApp and Facebook and social media and we also have stress and anxiety and depression.
 
Our forefathers had neither. Because they talked to each other. Because talking helps.
 
The face-to-face type talking,
 
the just-listen-to-me type talking,
 
the hold-my-hand-and-let-me-cry type talking,
 
the sit-next-to-me-and-listen-to-my-silence type talking…
 
the talking where the person can be themselves and say anything they feel without the fear of any judgement or loss or rejection.
 
Today, we don’t like that type of talking.
 
Those conversations when someone begins to undress one’s mind. In fact we avoid people.
 
And so, mental illness is epidemic. Naturally.
 
There is not much we can do. But we can offer a listening!
 
Let’s let people talk without any fear. Let’s create conversations.
 

Let’s start talking again AND listening!

Very well said my friend.  Very well said, indeed.  Thank you.

And this one is from Stephen who ends up thanking Ray, so let’s get to it…

Thanks to Ray for this one….

  • We don’t let athletes bet on games they have the ability to influence. Why do we allow Congress to invest in companies they regulate?
  • Why is it that when archeologists find human remains, they always determine that they are either male or female and none of the other hundreds of genders?
  • Why is it that so many are more outraged that Brittney Griner is stuck in Russia than they were about Americans being stranded in Afghanistan
  • How is it that the government can’t control gasoline prices…but the weather is something they can fix?
  • We’re churning out a generation of poorly educated people with no skill, no ambition, no guidance, and no realistic expectations of what it means to go to work.—Mike Rowe
  • If kids knew what they wanted to be at age eight, the world would be filled with cowboys and princesses. I wanted to be a pirate. Thank goodness nobody took me seriously and scheduled me for eye removal and peg leg surgery—Bill Maher
  • Why were we told to lower our AC usage on hot days to prevent overwhelming the electric grid while simultaneously being told to trade in our gas cars for electric vehicles?
  • Why is canceling student debt a good idea? Does it make sense to reward people who do not honor their financial commitment by taxing the people who do?
  • Does it make sense to cut off oil from an ally and buy it from an enemy who calls for your death?
  • Are we living in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended?
  • Is this a great description of America: Andy has left town and Barney is in charge?
  • Why is talking sexually in the workplace considered sexual harassment to adults…but talking about sexuality to children K-3 at school considered education?
  • Who else had a ‘ministry of truth”…Hitler…Goebbels…Stalin
  • Eliminating the production of 500,000 American barrels of oil a day to buy 500,000 barrels a day from Russia is simply…well…stupid.
  • I saw a movie where only the police and military had guns; it was called Schindler’s List.
  • If your electric car runs out of power on the interstate, do you walk to a charging station to get a bucket of electricity?
  • Why are we running out of money for Social Security and Medicare and not for welfare, illegals and free college?
  • I just got a full tank of gas for $22. Granted, it was for my lawn mower, but I trying to stay positive.
  • There is a coin shortage. America is officially out of common sense.
  • If an 18 year old isn’t mature enough to own a firearm, then maybe five year olds aren’t mature enough to change their gender
  • Sign in Texas: DON’T VOTE FOR WHAT YOU FLED
  • Nobody called it “Toxic Masculinity when we were saving the world.
  • Mice die in mouse traps because they do not understand why the cheese is free. Just like socialism.
  • The most powerful governments on earth can’t stop a virus from spreading…but they say they can change the earth’s temperature if you pay more taxes.
  • Want to stop drunk drivers from killing sober drivers? Ban sober drivers from driving. That’s how gun control and COVID lockdowns work.
  • If you don’t want to stand for the national anthem, perhaps you should give your legs to a veteran who lost his. That way a real man can stand in your place.
  • If socialism is so good and capitalism is so bad…then why aren’t the caravans heading to Venezuela?

History is not there for us to like or dislike. It is there for us to learn from.  And if it offends you, even better…because then you are less likely to repeat it. It is not anyone’s to erase…it belongs to all of us.

Thanks Stephen and Ray.  

Another Tombstone

Here lies Kelly,

We buried him today.

He lived the life of Riley,

When Riley was away!

My sister was dating this Chinese Dragon and asked if I could find a position for him at Dragon Laffs, Inc.  So, we put him in charge of our Far East Marketing … we still don’t have much business in the Far East.

The recently married young woman was weeping and pouring out her heart and troubles to the church’s appointed marriage counsellor.

“Isn’t there some way , without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?”

The counsellor scowled. “Well young lady,” he said, “maybe that’s the problem, Your husband shouldn’t have to wait in line!”

Pauly and Maury are having a drink at the local Pub.

Pauly: “My wife has the worst memory I ever heard of.”

Maury: “Forgets everything, eh?”

Pauly: “No, remembers everything.”

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class almost 50 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

“Yes,” he replied.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1953.”

“Why, you were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, “What did you teach?”

We also run an underground radio station … it’s not really what you think it is.

The new school year started and the grade school teacher wanted some students to tell a brief story about summer vacation.  Several students eagerly raised their hands including Little Johnny.  The teacher asked Alice to tell a story. 

“We took a trip to the Grand Canyon during vacation” Alice said.  “We rode donkeys down a steep trail to the bottom of the canyon, it was fun.” 

The teacher asked for another volunteer, several students eagerly raised their hands including little Johnny.  She was afraid to call on little Johnny because he swore a lot in last years classroom.  The teacher chose Fred to tell a story. 

“My Dad and I went on a fishing trip way out in the country.  We stopped at a small pond, I cast my lure into the pond and caught the biggest trout we’d ever seen!  We started a campfire and cooked the trout, it was great!” Fred reported. 

“That nice Fred, now how about another volunteer”.  Several students were waving their hands.  The teacher felt sorry for Little Johnny and wanted to give him another chance. “My Dad and I went on a deer hunting trip.  We saw a huge 18 point buck in the field, my Dad aimed and shot it right in the asshole” Little Johnny said. 

The teacher was mad, “Johnny you mean rectum” she said. 

“Wrecked ‘im, you bet it wrecked ‘im…shot his balls clean off.” 

A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kinda makes you proud. Do you almost feel like a hybrid?

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!
“Help me dear,” she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
“I’m dying here, and you’re putting?”
“Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole, and he’s coming to help you”.
“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly.
“No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, “You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What’s your secret?”
Mickelson replied, “The holes are numbered.”

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”
“Yes” says the woman.
“Did you hit him with that golf club?”
“Yes, yes, I did.” The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
“How many times did you hit him?”
“I don’t know — put me down for a five.”

I have no idea what this is supposed to be.  But someone thought it was funny and sent it to me so I am passing it on to you guys, maybe someone can explain to me why it’s funny.  Other than the fact that it’s $86, 264.00 

And this one isn’t funny, it’s just art.

And this one is from Lynn and it’s called: Wisdom from People We Knew…

“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” – Andy Rooney.

“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino, Professional Golfer.

“Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere.” – George Burns.

“The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. – Mark Twain.

“First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.” – Leo Rosenberg.

“Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it.” – Golda Meir.

“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben.

“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault.

“At my age, flowers scare me.” – George Burns.

“The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.” – T.S. Elliot.

“The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget.” – Unknown.

“At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.” -Ann Landers.

“We don’t grow older, we grow riper.” – Pablo Picasso.

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.”- George Carlin, Comedian.

“Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips.” – John Wagner.

“Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does.” – J. Norman Collie.

“When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.” – Mark Twain.

“You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.” – Joel Plaskett.

“There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure.” – Dennis Wolfberg.

“There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus.” – Bob Phillips.

“Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty.” – Joan Rivers.

Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.” – Anonymous.

 

I’m ever so sorry … NO BEER is worth $890 a bottle.  Unless the bottle is the size of a house.

Sure, that’s what he’s looking at.

Turns out an At Home DNA Test is NOT a good baby shower gift.

Her:  You smell great!  What is that?

Me:  Brisket smoked with a pecan, post oak, and hickory blend along with a little spilled beer.

I inadvertently just signed off a work email with this: “Should you have any questions please don’t.  Hesitate to ask.”  I’m sticking with it.

And how many of you remember this one?

And that is it my friends.  I am truly grateful for your ear and for you listening to my ramblings and for you being my friends.  I hope you are all blessed with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

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