And now we’re in a race against time. It’s Tuesday and I play darts tonight, then we have Wednesday and I have Bible study and then it’s Thursday, which is when this issue is due. Which means I have no time to put this issue together.
So, like I said, a race against time.
Usually I would have started it by now, but you guys already know the story of this past weekend and the challenges that I faced, so I’ll not go back through that again, because I SURVIVED! That’s the important part, the rest of this is all gravy. But, part of the gravy is getting this done.
Hence, the race.
So, without further ado, let us be about the work of racing and see what kind of laughter we can be about laughing.
In other words…
I never really liked the terminology “Old Farts”??
but this makes me feel better about it.
And if you ain’t one, I bet ya you know one!
I got this from an “Old Fart” friend of mine!
OLD FART PRIDE
I’m passing this on as I did not want to be the only old fart receiving it. Actually, it’s not a bad thing to be called, as you will see.
I was taught to respect my elders. ♡
It’s just getting harder to find them! ;‐)
That pretty much describes us quite well, and I’m damn proud to be counted amongst their ranks!
That’s so awfully damn specific…
A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present “Seven Wonders of the World.” Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes:
1. Egypt’s Great Pyramids
2. Taj Mahal
3. Grand Canyon
4. Panama Canal
5. Empire State Building
6. St. Peter’s Basilica
7. China’s Great Wall
While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student had not finished her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list?
The girl replied, “Yes, a little. I couldn’t quite make up my mind because there were so many.”
The teacher said, “Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help.”
The girl hesitated, the read: “I think the ‘Seven Wonders of the World’ are:
1. To See…
2. To Hear…
3. To Touch…
4. To Taste…
5. To Feel…
6. To Laugh…
7. And to Love.”
The room was so quiet, you could have heard a pin drop. The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that we take for granted are truly wondrous!
A gentle reminder:
That the most precious things in life cannot be built by hand or bought by man.
Don’t be too busy to pass this along.
Another oldie but goodie from our pal Joe in NJ:
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time, “like sitting around in the Motorhome and drinking John Smiths isn’t a good thing.”
Talking about my “doing-something-usefull” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She is “only thinking of me,” she said, and suggested, I go down to the old folks Centre and hang out with the fellas.
So I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied, “Are you nuts? You’re 77 years-old and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”
I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, “Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”
“Oh man, am I in trouble,” I said, “I signed up for five jumps a week!”
The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen isn’t getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.😄
Did you know I have a Chinese brother-in-law? We’re not talking right now because of the whole COVID thing. He refuses to accept responsibility and I keep telling him that it’s “his fault” because it was his country that released the thing. You can’t tell me that it wasn’t done on purpose. Accident my hind paw! I know better! You know better! And HE knows better! So yeah, we’re not talking to each other right now. Besides, he’s just my Sister-in-law’s husband. Not even a real relation. So, who cares.
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an elderly old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, “I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”
I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”
She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.”
I said, “Well, why are you crying?”
She said, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.
I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”
She said, “I can’t remember where I live!”
Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense….
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Direct Marketing.
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, “He’s fantastic in bed.” That’s Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Telemarketing.
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Public Relations.
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you’re fantastic in bed.” That’s Brand Recognition!
There really needs to be a GOOD explanation for that sign.
When we have to secure someone at headquarters for some reason, which we do every now and then. You know, corporate spying, theft of donuts, that sort of thing. We have our own private jail cells and our own private jailers. That’s this guy. He’s the jailer. You don’t want to piss him off. Or take his donuts.
Last year a young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism.
His very first assignment, for the newspaper who hired him, was to write a human interest story.
He decided to go into the Ozark Mountains to do his research.
He found an old farmer’s house in an isolated section and introduced himself to the man.
He then asked him, “Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?”
The old farmer thought for a moment and said, “Yep, one time a neighbor’s sheep got lost. We all formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home.”
“I can’t print that!” the young reporter exclaimed. “Can you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?”
“Yep, one time a neighbor’s daughter got lost. We all formed a posse & found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home.”
“Hell, I can’t print that either!” cried the frustrated reporter. “Has anything ever happened that made you sad?”
The old farmer dropped his head and sit quietly for a few seconds.
Then he timidly replied, “Yep, I got lost once.”
There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date.
The guy said, “It’s simple. I just say that I’m a lawyer.”
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, “Oh! You’re a lawyer?”
He said, “Why, yes I am!”
So they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already screwing someone!”
LAWYER: “On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?”
WITNESS: “I did.”
LAWYER: “And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duckpond?”
WITNESS: “I did.”
LAWYER: “And did you observe anything?”
WITNESS: “I did.” (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: “Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?”
WITNESS: “I saw George.”
LAWYER: ” You saw George *******, the defendant in this case? “
LAWYER: “Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?”
WITNESS: “Yes.” (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: “Well, would you kindly do so?”
WITNESS: ” He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.”
LAWYER: “His ‘thing?'”
WITNESS: “You know… His thing. His di… I mean, his penis.”
LAWYER: “You passed close by the duckpond, the light was good,you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?”
LAWYER: “Did you say anything to him?”
WITNESS: “Of course, I did!”
LAWYER: “What did you say to him?”
WITNESS: “Morning, George.”
Oh HELL No!
Here’s a Not So Easy Quiz to take … Look for the Answers further down. You only need 4 correct to pass:
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI’s first name?
8 ) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.
What an incredible waste!!! Okay, here’s the answers to your quiz. How many did you get right? My score is at the bottom.
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? – 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? – Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? – Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? – November
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? – Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? – Dogs
7) What was King George VI’s first name? – Albert
8 ) What color is a purple finch? – Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? – New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? – Orange (of course)
What do you mean, you failed? Me, too!
Pass this on to your other brilliant friends
Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.
I got 5. I knew #’s 3, 4, 5, 6, & 10
This one is from Joe in NJ. I don’t know if I’m surprised or not:
I got a fruit basket from my psychiatrist – it was shrink-wrapped.
A little boy is walking to school one day and hears some kids talking about the yellow flower.
He decides he wants to find out what it is.
He gets to school and says to his teacher, “I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. What is it?”
His teacher says, “I will not tolerate that kind of talk in my classroom! Go to the Principal’s office!”
The little boy goes up to the Principal’s office, and the Principal asks him, “What are you doing up here, son?”
The little boy replies, “I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was and she sent me up here. What is it?”
The Principal says, “I will not have that kind of talk in my school! You are expelled from this school and every other school in the state! Get out!”
So the little boy goes home.
His mother asks, “What are you doing home so early?”
“I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the Principal’s office, and the Principal expelled me from every school in the state. What is the yellow flower?”
His mother says, “Go up to your room! You’re going to bed without dinner. I’ll send your father up to talk to you when he gets home.”
So the little boy goes up to his room, and about 5:00 his dad got home from work. He went up to the boy’s room and said, “Your mom tells me you’ve been a bad boy. What did you do?”
“Well, I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the principal’s office, the Principal expelled me from every school in the state, and mom sent me to bed without dinner. What’s the yellow flower?”
His dad says, “Get out of my house son! I don’t ever want to see you again!”
The little boy is walking down the street, and a few hours later and policeman stopped him. He asked him why he was walking by himself so late at night. The little boy says, “Well, I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the Principal’s office, the Principal expelled me from every school in the state, mom sent me to bed without dinner, and dad kicked me out of the house. Can you tell me what the yellow flower is?”
The policeman says, “That’s enough of that! You’re going to jail for 99 years!”
99 years later, he comes back an old man, and decides he wants to try to find out what the yellow flower is. So he heads to his old school where it all started.
As he was crossing the street, he got hit by a car and he died.
What’s the moral of the story?
Look both ways before crossing the street.
Isn’t that like the most frustrating joke you’ve ever heard in your whole life? Oh no, don’t thank me, thank Joe from NJ. It’s ALL ON HIM!!!
I’d ask what the heck is the yellow flower, but I don’t want to be hit by a car, or sent to jail, or …
And I’m not sure if that’s true or not and I’ve not got enough time to try and look it up, I’ve got to get this done in a hurry and run off to bible study. I don’t even have time for dinner. So, with that I’ll say good night. I’m sure one of you guys will check the veracity of that last one anyway. So for now, Love and Happiness to you all.