I’m still staying ahead of the game on issues. Okay, that doesn’t sound right. Yes, I’ve got issues and I’m staying ahead of them, but that’s not what I’m talking about. Today is actually Monday, July 3rd as I’m starting this episode, so I’m staying ahead because I know, at some point in time, I’m going to get blasted with something and fall way behind again. So, it’s just as well that I keep up and keep going. I hope everyone had a great week and have been enjoying themselves. These last couple of episodes have been extra long and extra filled with stuff for your enjoyment. And I hope you’ve taken the opportunity to do just that. But, it’s been a while since I’ve gotten any feedback from anyone in the comment section or by email, so I wonder if we’ve run into another glitch in the systems where you guys have stopped receiving the episodes by email again…or maybe if I schedule them too far in advance, they don’t give you guys the proper email notification for them? Hmmm? Now, some other made-up thing for me to worry about.
I’m going to try an experiment. I’ll be right back.
Okay, so not right back. That was hours ago. But, I did send out a fast message to you guys and you guys responded in form. Thank you for that. And I got an awesome response from John M. that I will share with you guys later that I’m sure you will enjoy as much as I did.
We owe them all so very much. What we owe them most is the one thing that we hardly ever give them, and that is respect.
Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
Alabama Law
You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
A nervous attendant on a cross-country flight announced: “I don’t know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners.”
When the passengers’ muttering had died down, she continued, “Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight.”
Her next announcement came an hour later. “If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!”
“But, Mom! I don’t wanna take a bath!”
Okay, let’s do John M’s comment. Keep in mind that I got this on the day before Independence Day…
Thanks for your posts/issues.
I read them.
I like them.
I don’t always agree with everything you say and sometimes I tell you.
Because, as you repeatedly said in this issue, this is America and we have the right of free speech.
The problem that so many people have with free speech is that they think they can say anything they want, with NO consequences.
I can say anything I want here.
However, you have the right to keep it from posting. You have the right to kick me off the mailing list.
It is your group, that give you control.
My 8th grade teacher explained our MANY freedoms the best I have ever heard:
“Your freedom to swing your arm ends where your neighbors’ nose begins.”
Fox found out about that.
(By the way, they apparently paid the women producer who sued them $12 million.)
As to our right to bear arms: It is limited and always has been. I believe it was in the 1930 the federal government limited the ability to own/have automatic weapons.
I am in favor of some gun control: I want background checks on buyers. I am not happy that is necessary, but it is. As I have told lots of people, I have one neighbor that he can have any kind of weapon (he has some already) that he wants and, if it too large for his car or pickup, I will help him go get it. I have other neighbors that I worry about them getting a bean flipper. I can make this call because I know them. However, it is almost impossible (I try to not use “never” “always” and impossible) to write laws that let the right people have guns and keep them away from the idiots (or which we have to many and they seem to be breeding rapidly).
The right to bear arms is like the right to free speech. There are limits and consequences. The limit on free speech (applies to guns and other rights as well) is best described by Justice Oliver Wendall Holmes famous quote: “The right to free speech does not include the right yell “Fire” in a crowded theater.”
The 4th Amendment gives you the right be free from “unreasonable searches”, not all searches.
Too many people see the 2nd Amendment as an absolute right with no limits. Those are generally the ones that should be kept from have any type of gun or dangerous weapon.
Yes, and don’t come to my house with evil intent. I have 2 rifles and a pistol (I can use all of them well) and know how to use them and will use them.
That is what the 2nd Amendment makes possible.
Not for some yahoo to carry an AR-15 style rifle and parade around in a public area.
I am against the “concealed carry” we have nowadays with no training or anything else.
People need training to safely possess and use firearms. I have seen far too many news stories where children are getting weapons and injuring or killing someone else, often a sibling.
I think that we should consider owning a firearm to be like driving a car. You can do it, but you need insurance to do it. I have a hard time believing I said that as I trust them less than as far as I can throw their home office.
However, we cannot continue as we are.
Over the weekend, 2 dead people and 28 or 29 people injured in Baltimore.
That is a major problem we have to address.
Well, I have said more than I should have and taken up a lot of space.
In closing: Happy 4th of July; God Bless America; and Semper Fi. There are those that know what I mean by the last 2 words.
Morris goes to visit his cardiologist in follow up after his life threatening heart attack.
The doctor explains to Morris that he would be able to resume his active sex life as soon as he could climb three flights of stairs without becoming winded.
Morris listens attentively and then says, “But what if I look for the women who live on the ground floor?”
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.
They don’t want the cat shut in the house because “she” always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.” He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away.
“Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!”
The cabdriver hit a parked car…
“Yes, my wingspan ratio is completely wrong for my body size, but that’s why magic is involved!”
The Total Idiot’s Guide to Internet Success!
Let’s begin:
Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?
A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.
Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?
A: No. This is the Internet.
Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?
A: Yes. This is the Internet.
Q: How do I proceed?
A: As you’re surfing around the net you’ll see banners and links that say things like “Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!” Simply click the link to get started.
Q: It won’t really take ninety days though, will it?
A: Of course not. They just say that so you’ll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn’t sound like hype.
Q: Okay, I’ve found one that says “Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!” Is that good?
A: Perfect.
Q: What does MLM mean?
A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.
Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it’s the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it’s MLM, by the time my third level is operating I’ll be making $345,915.45 per week.
A: Conservatively.
Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?
A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ… uh, clients. You can switch your mother’s long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.
Q: That sounds a little fishy.
A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It’s for their own good.
Q: How else can I get new business?
A: Spam. Spam. Spam.
Q: I thought spam was bad.
A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it’s bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.
Q: But won’t I lose my web host and ISP?
A: In the get-rich-quick business, it’s important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.
Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?
A: Here’s a list of suggestions: –Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners. –Join every free banner exchange. –Get your own free-for-all links page. –Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title. –Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines. –Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites. –Hire a bulk emailer. –Sponsor a golf tournament.
Q: Okay, I’ve done all that and I’m still not rich. I haven’t even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?
A: It’s possible that you’re not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.
Q: What if I don’t have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?
A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.
Q: What if I’ve never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings? A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.
The attractive young Sarah was about to go to bed with her new boyfriend Bob, when she burst into tears.
“I’m afraid you’ll get the wrong idea about me,” she said between sobs. “I’m really not that kind of girl!”
“I believe you,” Bob said, as he tried to comfort her.
“You’re the first one,” Sarah repied.
“The first one to make love to you?” Bob asked.
“No, silly,” she replied. “The first one to believe me!”
Papa Dragon Most Senior used to be a pole dancer like that.
A cop pulled me over and said, “Your eyes are red, have you been drinking?”
I replied, “Your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?”
We laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I think it’s disgraceful that after 50 years, people don’t know who Neil Armstrong is, or the type of trumpet he played.
Gotta be tough being a toddler. You’re standing there, crying about something that feels super important, an adult walks up and immediately looks down your butt to see if you pooped your pants.
I just can’t help it…I am even a bad influence on myself!
Two Alligators
This is from Lynn:
We live in the greatest country on earth. She is on life support right now due to the evil that has taken up residence here.
America has seen better days but it has been through sickness before. We still have people who pray fervently every day for this country and its people. God hears our hearts and our cries. Praise be to God and the United States of America. We must never let those freedom bells stop ringing
As funny as this is, the truth is that my CPAP leaves the same marks on my cheeks, so let’s not jump to conclusions.
Campers, if you haven’t figured out yet that we are under attack, with the implied consent of the people who are in charge of our country. This is WRONG!
Instead of Conspiracy Theorist I identify as:
— Professional Noticer
— Connect the Dots Expert
— Spoiler Alerts Specialist
IF SHE SAYS SHE’S CRAZY, SHE’S PROBABLY HARMLESS. THE REAL CRAZY ONES NEVER GIVE YOU A DAMN CLUE.
Did you notice that most of the proper household cleaning agents are Mr. Min, Mr. Muscle, Mr. Sheen, Mr. Clean…and women are complaining that men don’t help around the house.
Now this one is not THAT MUCH Cracked…while working my Jail Ministry, the inmates have access to these devices that look like bulky little phones. The ONLY thing they can do is get text messages on them. From what I understand, they get charged 10¢ a message up to 160 characters. They are called “Chirping” devices. And they look like this:
My wife went to bed early and the dogs and I are not sure who’s in charge now.
My Uncle Elroy used to sell pants for 25¢ apiece.
Everyone called him Quarter Roy.
Holy cow!
What a wonderful piece and so beautifully said. If you did not get that out of reading it, go back and read it again.
There has got to be a way to harness that power that is staying in one place and not going anywhere.
Today, I was so bored, I saw an ant in my kitchen and I placed a pinch of sugar in front of her. She had some and went to tell her friends and I quickly hid the sugar because I wanted them to think that she is a liar.
There are so many, many, many possible things to say here…, but the one point I will make: TAKE THE WARNING SERIOUSLY!!!
Okay, the last one is just stupid
Yeah, it’s been done before, just not with a kangaroo.
Okay, now pay attention. This link is well worth clicking on and the video behind it is well worth watching. It has been sent in by Stephanie and believe me when I tell you that it is well worth it. So do yourself a favor, click on the link and watch the movie. It won’t take you that long. https://www.facebook.com/watch/?extid=NS-UNK-UNK-UNK-AN_GK0T-GK1C&mibextid=2Rb1fB&v=610013967045826
SHE! Oh no SHE didn’t! No wonder we don’t get any respect.
One day a co-worker told my friend, Stan, that she was going home early because she didn’t feel well.
Since Stan was just getting over something himself, he wished her well and said he hoped it wasn’t something he had given her.
A fellow worker piped up, “I sure hope not. She has morning sickness.”
That actually makes sense.
Morris and Rachel are sweethearts. Morris lives in a small village out in the country and Rachel lives in town.
One day, they go to see the Rabbi and set a date for their wedding. Before they leave, the Rabbi asks them whether they want a contemporary or traditional service.
After a short discussion, they opt for the contemporary service.
Their day arrives but the weather is rotten and a storm forces Morris to take an alternate route to the synagogue.
The village streets are flooded, so he rolls up his trouser legs to keep his trousers dry.
When at last he reaches the shul, his best man immediately rushes him up the aisle and up to the chuppa.
As the ceremony starts, the Rabbi whispers to Morris, “Pull down your trousers.”
“Rabbi, I’ve changed my mind,” says Morris, “I think I prefer the traditional service.”
Four old men were out golfing.
“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.
“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.
“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, “Just be thankful we’re still on the right side of the grass!”
A bewildered-looking man walked up to one of our bank’s customer- service representatives.
“I want to deposit my paycheck, but I’m not sure how to do it,” he said.
“No problem,” said Linda as she took his check and passbook.
There was a flurry of activity for a few moments, and then his passbook was handed back to him.
The man looked at his book, noting the deposit and, smiling, said, “That’s it?”
“That’s it. Just give your paycheck to me, and I’ll take care if it.”
The man suddenly looked at her curiously. “Say,” he drawled, “are you my wife?”
The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his boss. “I’m sick,” he says. Boss excuses him.
Man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.
The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. “I’m sick,” he says. Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row.
Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week.
The following Monday, he calls his boss again. “I’m sick.” Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man to task on Tuesday.
Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss
calls him into his office.
“What gives?” asks the boss. “I can see you’re a hard worker, but you’ve only been here three weeks and you’ve called in sick every Monday.”
Man says, “Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up making love all day long.”
“Your sister!?!” says the boss. “That’s disgusting!”
Man says, “I *told* you I was sick.”
Visiting the modern art museum an old lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.
“This,” she said, “I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?”
“No madam,” replied the attendant. “That one’s called a mirror.”
MORRIS’ FIRST LAW: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
MORRIS’ SECOND LAW: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
MORRIS’ THIRD LAW: Do not believe in miracles…Rely on them !
MORRIS’ FOURTH LAW: When in doubt, present lots of charts and graphs.
And that is it my dear campers and friends. May God Bless you and keep you until we meet again.
Dragon Laffs 