Leprechaun Laffs #8

Again today it’s called Leprechaun Laffs as Impish is under the weather morale wise rather than physically this time over the loss of his dear friend so I’m stepping up to the podium for a few days. Few more days of this and Impish might just come back to find me ensconced in the big fancy office and HIM working in the glorified broom closet!

All the associate leprechauns and temp fairies are scurrying around frantically here at Firebase Leprechaun in preparation and anticipation of a major storm front arriving later today which is bringing us some serious arctic air. Temps for the next 10 days will be in the mid 40s to low 50s.

The weather guessers are evening suggestion that we may have a sleet & freezing rain event at the onset depending on just how far south this arctic mass extends itself.


Now lets see if we can do a little laughing!
Our good friend and loyal reader K-Squared writes to us from his hospital bed explaining his absence and the reason behind his hospitalization:
It all began with an iPhone…

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday and I got him an iPhone.

He just loved it. Who wouldn’t?

I celebrated my birthday in July and my wife made mevery happy when she bought me an iPad.

My daughter’s birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

September came by, so for my wife’s birthday I bought her an iRon. It was around then that the fight started . . .

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital by Thursday!

Email Worm Poses As Microsoft Update, Warns MS

Microsoft is today warning users of fake security alerts arriving via
Email. Microsoft is reminding users that it never sends out security
Alerts with attachments via email and that you should never …

http://go.infopackets.com/e20110107-05

A 10 Part Irish Introspection/Extra – Oddest Stories of 2010 #3

The man who shot a teenager for wearing baggy pants
Cops in Tennessee say 45-year-old Kenneth Bonds got so angry at a teenager’s baggy pants that he shot the young man in the buttocks. In Sept 25, Bonds, who was charged with two counts of aggravated assault, allegedly fired several shots at the 17-year-old after the victim refused to pull up his sagging trousers and called the accused gunman a “fat ass.” (Link | Via)
I don’t care HOW gangsta you think you are, taunting a large already angry man with the handgun is just EPIC STUPIDITY!
Bonds should get a medal for his attempted chlorination of the gene pool….
and a gift certificate to NutriSystem!

This is a short video of a new Ford plant in Brazil.  If you watch, listen carefully to the very last couple of sentences.

One look at this and you will be able to understand why there will probably never be another vehicle assembly plant built-in the USA. It will also point out why more assembly plants will go offshore to the detriment of US jobs

You won’t doubt that Ford, GM, and Chrysler are destined to go under, after watching this video. They will survive, but their assembly operations in the USA likely won’t, whether we have provided a bailout or not (listen closely at the end for the reason why).

Watch the video.

That’s all for today folks, I’m off to clean out the fireplace and supervise the Trolls stacking wood and peat for the fire which will be no doubt soon be continuously burning in it!

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Leprechuan Laffs # 7

Well actually today it’s called Leprechaun Laffs as Impish is under the weather morale wise rather than physically this time over the loss of his dear friend so I’m stepping up to the podium for a few days.

I would hope you all would join with me in offering him your condolences, either via the comments function on the blog which can be found at the bottom of every posting (we can see them all on a single page here at DL Corporate so don’t worry about which posting to comment under), thru his private e-mail address if you have been granted it or via the DL Owners address: DragonLaffs-owner@yahoogroups.com.

On one other serious note: You will now find on the right side of the blog just below the comments a function to subscribe to the blog which I accidentally tripped over yesterday while searching for another function and promptly added.

THIS WILL NOT CAUSE YOU TO RECEIVE THE BLOG AS AN E-MAIL LIKE THE OLD DAYS!

Those days are gone, in the past, to be remembered and reminisced over. NOW BUILD A FREAKING BRIDGE AND GET OVER IT!
You minority of perpetual whiners know EXACTLY who I am addressing this comment to!

What it WILL do is send you an e-mail alert whenever we post something new on the blog so you are sure not to miss out on a single snicker or an iota of indignation we post!

Now lets try to generate some mirth!
Our first joke comes from an unlikely source, our own Pontiff of Puns Zack, who is apparently slacking off in the pun department this week. I only hope its a New Years Resolution and a sign of things to come because some of those puns have been pretty awful!
After a spate of shark attacks in Australia, the Week asked its readers to create that country’s next tourism slogan. Here’s what they came up with: 

–  “What happens off the coast of Australia, stays off the coast of Australia.”

–  “We’ll throw another limb on the Barbie.”

–  “Australia: Disarmingly beautiful.”

–  “Our visitors: The other white meat.”

–  “Not quite heaven, but you can get there from here.”

Adult Truths

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. (He should also confiscate your secret stash of porn and your little black address book too)

2.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong. (Impish is well acquainted with this feeling as he frequently has it when arguing with Mrs. Dragon and meself) 

 

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
 

6. Was learning cursive really necessary? (do they even teach it anymore in grade school or are they too busy teaching the kids to speak English?)

 

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. (a lot of them would have to be in the comics section then!) 

 

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

 

10.

Bad decisions make good stories. (especially when their Impish’s bad decisions!)

11.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. (if you’re a government employee this moment apparently comes right after you get your 1st cup of coffee and plunk your wide load at your desk…or at least from what Impish as told me.) 

 

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.. .again. 

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14.

I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17.

I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 

19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said? (Or she said…. This is a constant problem for me, my wife Molly talks faster than a Mac-10 can spit out rounds [1145 rpm].  Problem is whenever I just nod or say ‘Uh-uh’ I find out later I agreed to something that I sound have said ‘Huh?!’ to! )

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. ( With all the damned functions the thing has you think there would be a magnify display one! )

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.  (You think…..?)


Gratuitous Dragon Photo

Intelligence Test

HEY! I can hear all that groaning and whining!

You are going to hate yourself over this. It scores automatically, too.
Take this advice …THINK ABOUT EACH QUESTION PRIOR TO SELECTING YOUR RESPONSE.

ENOUGH WITH THE GROANING ALREADY! It’s NOT like I’m making you post how bad you did! (I got 10/11 right)

HOW SMART ARE YOU?

THIS IS PRICELESS: ACTUAL PASSPORT APPLICATION LETTER SENT BACK TO STATE DEPARTMENT


Dear Mrs. Ms. or Sir:
I am in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?  Ever heard of computers?
My birth date you have in my social security file. It’s on EVERY income tax form I’ve filed  for the past 30 years. It’s on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver’s license, It’s on the last eight damn passports I’ve had, It’s on every stupid customs declaration form I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 30  years. And it’s on all those census forms that we have to do at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Maryanne, my father’s name is Robert and I’m reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.

Between you an’ me, I’ve had enough of this bureaucratic bullshit!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my #*&#%*& address.What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I  look like Bin Laden?  And “No,” I don’t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes.  I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in  the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now because I have to go to the other end of the city and get another #*@&#^@*@& copy of my birth certificate to the tune of $100.
Would it be so difficult to  have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and organization.  And it would be too logical for the @&^*^%@% government.
You’d rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off.  Then, we have to find some asshole to confirm that it’s really me in the damn picture – you know, the one where we’re not allowed  to smile……Hey, you know why we can’t smile? We’re totally pissed off!

Signed
– An Irate Citizen.

P.S.: Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the  picture is me?  Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 1776.  I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang.. However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am – you know, someone  like my doctor……..   WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !

And you assholes want to run our health care system?????

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SHERIFF KEN ROLAND PASSES AWAY

From the Peru Tribune website

1
Ken Roland
By NANCY BENDER, nbender@perutribune.com
Published:

Thursday, January 6, 2011 6:32 PM EST
Just five days after his second term as Miami County sheriff, Ken Roland succumbed to terminal brain cancer at his home in Mexico. Roland reportedly passed away at 4 p.m. Wednesday.

Roland, 59, suffered a stroke in July and was undergoing rehabilitation in St. Louis, Mo. In September, he was diagnosed with having a rare, aggressive terminal brain tumor. According to a CaringBridge Web site created to inform friends of Roland’s condition, the tumor was on the right side of his brain and had branched over to the left side.

Roland had since returned to his Miami County home with family members. On Thursday, business was as usual at the Miami County Sheriff’s Office as former co-workers and long-time friends expressed their sadness of Roland’s passing.

“Kenny was a good friend of mine long before he became sheriff, because I worked with him at the Indiana State Police,” said MCSO Jail Matron Kim Brown. “He was a hard worker. He never let anything go unfinished and was a master of the details. Our new jail would not be what it is today if he had not watched every detail as it went up.

“He was a very caring person and took care of his ‘people’ whether it was employees or friends in any way he could. Case in point: he put on the (fundraiser) breakfast for Baby Jack Jumper and collected a very nice sum for the baby by going out and searching and working for it. He was a very good man and a good friend. I will miss him greatly.”

While Roland was absent from office due to his illnesses, MCSO Major Tim Hunter was the acting sheriff.

“(Roland’s illness and passing) has been quite a sad time and a loss of a very good friend, not only to me, but also to the community,” said Hunter. “It’s tragic. I think Ken has served this community exceptionally well and I believe the public and his family can be proud of his accomplishments.

“It’s been tough to sit back and watch (Roland during his illness). We’ve been friends for 35 years and that’s a long time. He will be missed a lot, but I think we can take comfort that he is in a far better place and out of pain and suffering. Our thoughts and prayers are definitely with the family at this difficult time.”

On Saturday, newly elected Sheriff Tim Miller officially took office.

“Obviously, we are all saddened,” said Miller Thursday morning. “He fought hard. I prayed he would have comfort. I was so impressed with the family members and friends who were there and took great loving care of (Roland). He knew they were there and he appreciated it.

“He was a good friend and will be missed my many.”

Shortly after Roland returned to his home in Mexico from St. Louis, Mo., the MCSO kept a running sign-up sheet for donated food for the Roland family and visitation.

“I just thank the entire Roland family for opening their hearts and home to our community and giving us the opportunity in sharing our special moments and memories with them and Ken during these recent times, which will last a life time,” said Melinda Ross, MCSO receptionist. “I not only had the great honor of working in law enforcement with Ken these past 28 years, but having a special bond as a friend and a brother to me as his door was always open to talk. The sky was the limit as it truly is now with him.

“I also want to thank all the women and men of our community for their overwhelming outpouring of daily nourishing food, visits, and thoughts and prayers shared with Ken and his family, providing strength, support and encouragement. I am truly proud of my hometown of Peru and stand beside our caring residents as we all graciously come together when the call is given. Thank you and God bless you all.”

During Roland’s tenure, the planning and construction of the new Miami County Jail became a reality. In January 2010, the MCSO completed the move, inconspicuously transporting more than 70 inmates from the former facility on Court Street to the current structure at 1104 W. 200 North. In that time frame, Roland was involved with the Miami County Jail Transition Team and worked closely with the Miami County Board of Commissioners.

“Ken was very much professional in his job and responsibilities,” said Gary Hawley, former Miami County Commissioner who served six of Roland’s eight years in office. “He was also very tenacious in performing his job and responsibilities. There was never a time that I can think of that when I called him to ask a question or for advice that he didn’t return my call.

“He was very personable. I’ll never forget the desire he had to make sure Miami County has the best (jail) facility for the budget approved. He worked tirelessly. He spent hours upon hours and was very involved and committed to serve the community. Most of all, Ken was a good friend, and I’m really going to miss him.”

Though Roland has been absent for several months of his last year in office, his influence as a leader left an impression for several of his co-workers.

“Ken Roland was not only sheriff, but a friend,” said MCSO Capt. Mike Rogers. “He will be greatly missed not only by the law enforcement community, but by the community in general. Ken displayed a great deal of leadership qualities and professionalism which have influenced me in my personal and professional life. His friendship and leadership will not be forgotten.”

Prior to being elected sheriff, Roland had retired from the Indiana State Police after serving 28 years.

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Saying Goodbye to a Friend

I just found out tonight that a very good friend, a respected member of the community andhalf-mast a person I personally respected a great deal, has died.  Kenneth Roland, newly retired sheriff of Miami County in Indiana died of medical problems on Wednesday evening.

Kenny, you will be sorely missed.

My friends, I’m afraid this is not a laughing time for me.  I’m sorry.  I’m sure our dear friend Lethal will continue on in my place, but I will be taking a short break from the  laughter and talk to you again soon.

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A 10 Part Irish Introspection/Extra – Oddest Stories of 2010 #2

The man who was shot in the head but only found out 5 years later

A man living in Germany walked around and functioned normally for five years without noticing he had been shot in the head. The .22 caliber bullet was found when the man went to the doctor to have what he thought was a cyst removed. All he could remember was that he had received a blow to the head around midnight at a New Year’s party “in 2004 or 2005,” but had forgotten about it because he had been “very drunk.” The wound later healed around the bullet and it was not until the man decided to have the lump examined due to recurring pains that the discovery was made. (Link)

That tequilla will do it to you every time dude! It’s like liquid amnesia in a bottle.

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