Well actually today it’s called Leprechaun Laffs as Impish is under the weather morale wise rather than physically this time over the loss of his dear friend so I’m stepping up to the podium for a few days.
I would hope you all would join with me in offering him your condolences, either via the comments function on the blog which can be found at the bottom of every posting (we can see them all on a single page here at DL Corporate so don’t worry about which posting to comment under), thru his private e-mail address if you have been granted it or via the DL Owners address: DragonLaffsfirstname.lastname@example.org.
On one other serious note: You will now find on the right side of the blog just below the comments a function to subscribe to the blog which I accidentally tripped over yesterday while searching for another function and promptly added.
THIS WILL NOT CAUSE YOU TO RECEIVE THE BLOG AS AN E-MAIL LIKE THE OLD DAYS!
Those days are gone, in the past, to be remembered and reminisced over. NOW BUILD A FREAKING BRIDGE AND GET OVER IT!
You minority of perpetual whiners know EXACTLY who I am addressing this comment to!
What it WILL do is send you an e-mail alert whenever we post something new on the blog so you are sure not to miss out on a single snicker or an iota of indignation we post!
Now lets try to generate some mirth!
Our first joke comes from an unlikely source, our own Pontiff of Puns Zack, who is apparently slacking off in the pun department this week. I only hope its a New Years Resolution and a sign of things to come because some of those puns have been pretty awful!
After a spate of shark attacks in Australia, the Week asked its readers to create that country’s next tourism slogan. Here’s what they came up with:
– “What happens off the coast of Australia, stays off the coast of Australia.”
– “We’ll throw another limb on the Barbie.”
– “Australia: Disarmingly beautiful.”
– “Our visitors: The other white meat.”
– “Not quite heaven, but you can get there from here.”
1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. (He should also confiscate your secret stash of porn and your little black address book too)
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong. (Impish is well acquainted with this feeling as he frequently has it when arguing with Mrs. Dragon and meself)
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary? (do they even teach it anymore in grade school or are they too busy teaching the kids to speak English?)
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. (a lot of them would have to be in the comics section then!)
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories. (especially when their Impish’s bad decisions!)
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. (if you’re a government employee this moment apparently comes right after you get your 1st cup of coffee and plunk your wide load at your desk…or at least from what Impish as told me.)
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.. .again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said? (Or she said…. This is a constant problem for me, my wife Molly talks faster than a Mac-10 can spit out rounds [1145 rpm]. Problem is whenever I just nod or say ‘Uh-uh’ I find out later I agreed to something that I sound have said ‘Huh?!’ to! )
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. ( With all the damned functions the thing has you think there would be a magnify display one! )
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. (You think…..?)
Gratuitous Dragon Photo
HEY! I can hear all that groaning and whining!
You are going to hate yourself over this. It scores automatically, too.
Take this advice …THINK ABOUT EACH QUESTION PRIOR TO SELECTING YOUR RESPONSE.
ENOUGH WITH THE GROANING ALREADY! It’s NOT like I’m making you post how bad you did! (I got 10/11 right)
THIS IS PRICELESS: ACTUAL PASSPORT APPLICATION LETTER SENT BACK TO STATE DEPARTMENT
Dear Mrs. Ms. or Sir:
I am in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers?
My birth date you have in my social security file. It’s on EVERY income tax form I’ve filed for the past 30 years. It’s on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver’s license, It’s on the last eight damn passports I’ve had, It’s on every stupid customs declaration form I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 30 years. And it’s on all those census forms that we have to do at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Maryanne, my father’s name is Robert and I’m reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.
Between you an’ me, I’ve had enough of this bureaucratic bullshit!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my #*&#%*& address.What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there!
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And “No,” I don’t want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now because I have to go to the other end of the city and get another #*@&#^@*@& copy of my birth certificate to the tune of $100.
Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and organization. And it would be too logical for the @&^*^%@% government.
You’d rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then, we have to find some asshole to confirm that it’s really me in the damn picture – you know, the one where we’re not allowed to smile……Hey, you know why we can’t smile? We’re totally pissed off!
– An Irate Citizen.
P.S.: Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me? Well, my family has been in the United States of America since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang.. However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am – you know, someone like my doctor…….. WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !
And you assholes want to run our health care system?????