Dragon Laffs

Giant corduroy rug worms have invaded the internet near our location and taken over the nexus nodes and matrix maxims!  Please take appropriate precautions!  This recording is on a continuous loop and will repeat until such time as the Legion of Mythical Creatures and Monsters gathers it’s forces and counter attacks.  You have been warned!

I say again … compact zombie yogurt spiders have taken over the world wide web and redesigned the stringers!  All flying mythical creatures and monsters report to headquarters for further instructions.  Please take appropriate precautions!  This recording is on a continuous loop until such time as loops are squared and the legion wins back the ……

I say again…..

The Top 5 Reindeer Pet Peeves

5> Having to bribe Bristol Palin every year to stay on the
naughty list to avoid having to visit the house and see
Mom’s head hanging above the fireplace.

4> Every time there’s talk of forming a union, venison appears
on the commissary menu.

3> The “Grandma Incident.”

2> Immediately after working our asses off every Christmas Eve, we have to take Santa and Mrs. Claus for their annual Mile High Club flight.

and Topfive.com’s Number 1 Reindeer Pet Peeve…

1> Staring at Blitzen’s dingleberries all night.

[ Copyright 2010 by Chris White/TopFive.com ]

Lots going on today folks.  Let’s just jump right into the good stuff:

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York .

 

 

 

 

 

“First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement.”

 

 

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.  “Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France .”

 

 

 

An Oldie, but goodie….

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. ‘Is this your husband?’ he nervously asks.

‘No, silly,’ she replies, snuggling up to him.

‘Your boyfriend, then?’ he continues.

‘No, not at all,’ she says, nibbling away at his ear.

‘Is it your dad or your brother?’ he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

‘No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!’ she answers.

‘Well, who in the hell is he, then?’ he demands.

She whispers in his ear ‘That’s me before the surgery.’ …

This guy cracks me up. 

 

I’m Sick of North Korea…

Instead of getting extorted by little countries. Why don’t we just make allies of the bigger countries?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lExJWgG_b_w&feature=player_embedded

 

…no officer, we’ve only been fishing…

2,000 HP Outboard Inflatable…

Here’s the latest drug runner toy from Europe.  The thing belts across the English channel 3 times per week and was just a blur on the radar of the British Coast Guard.  They were so astonished by the speed of the unknown craft, they brought in a special high-speed helicopter to chase it.  Drugs were found on board.  Of course, you’d have to be on drugs to put the throttle down on this thing!

Ever wonder what that great Thanksgiving meal REALLY cost you?…

DID YA KNOW OR DO YA CARE?

A 160-pound person would have to either run at a moderate pace for four hours, swim for five hours or walk 30 miles to burn off a 3,000-calorie Thanksgiving meal (not including snacks or wine/alcohol consumed during the day).

This one is a lot of fun!

metal.htm 

Politically Correct Santa

‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck…
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”,
“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called “Unenlightened.”
And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she’d enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he’d ne’er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets…they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football…someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you’ve got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere…even you.
So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth…
“May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.”

Notice:  This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich.  It is free to
distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact.
All follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc
should be made to  mduhan@husc.harvard.edu .  Happy Holidays!

These two fine workmen are installing posts to stop nurses from parking on the sidewalk outside the Royal Hospital in Belfast  
They are cleaning up at the end of the day.

How long do you think it will be before Paddy & Seamus realize they can’t go home?

Interactive Scale of the Universe!

Way cool!

http://primaxstudio.com/stuff/scale_of_universe/

Okay, so here’s the deal…if you have been a member for any length of time at all, you’ve probably seen one of our no drinking and driving ads.  With the holidays approaching, it is very fitting to bring it up again.

BUT…

If you are in the least bit squeamish, then don’t click on this link.  It’s pretty rough.

UNLESS…

You think there is any possibility at all that you will drink and drive this holiday season, even the remotest chance, than…

PLEASE…

Click this link.  I don’t care if you puke all over yourself and your computer, if it will help you change your mind, or help you to remember to

NEVER!

EVER!

Get behind the wheel after you’ve been drinking

EVEN ONE!!!!!!

Click here: YouTube – TAC Campaign – 20 year Anniversary retrospective montage “Everybody Hurts” music by REM TV ad

As everyone knows that Coffee is one of our best friends here at Dragon Laffs Enterprises, it is only fitting that we have this entry from theoatmeal.com as today’s Last Word.