Dragon Laffs

Good morning campers!  What a wonderful Monday morning it is!  Coffee is hot and steamy, house is quiet, can have a very relaxing ….
what?
What do you mean, you have to work?
Ohhhhhhhhhhh…….
it’s only a FEDERAL holiday?
Really?
I’m so sorry.  I shouldn’t rub it in…..never mind….it’s a crappy morning.
Don’t you just [Turn the music down!] hate Mondays?  Gosh, let’s all just drag our [Shh!  and get that girl off your lap!] collective asses off to the [I mean it!  quiet down!  These guys have got to go to work today!] kitchen and get one more cup of coffee while we read our favorite e-zine [about 1 minute, okay?] and get a laugh or two in before we have to go to work.
Now…..

Holistic  Medicine

Achmed the Arab came to America from the  Middle East , and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.  He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help  him.
Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said: ‘Take  dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop,  and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for  ten minutes.’
Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other  room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in  the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said,  ‘It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?’ 
The doctor  said …. ‘You were  homesick’.

If movie characters had the internet:
http://www.makeuseof.com/tech-fun/if-movie-characters-had-the-internet/

I need one of those!

When Lethal Leprechaun was but a wee Leprechaun of a hundred or so years, he had a favorite dog that went missing.  He was inconsolable.  Finally, Molly, his wife says to him, “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper, Lethal?”
He does, but two weeks later the poor dog is still missing.  “Why did you put in the paper? Mrs. Leprechaun asks.
”Here boy,” replies Lethal

Little Red Riding Hood got to her grandmother’s house and didn’t recognize the wolf in grandma’s clothing, but she knew something was different. “Why, Grandmother, what big eyes you have,” said Little Red.

“They appear larger because I had an eyelid tuck at a marvelous plastic surgeon on Rodeo Drive,”
said the wolf in grandma’s clothing.

And Little Red believed him because it made perfect sense.

“Why, Grandmother, what big ears you have,” said Little Red.

“They appear larger because I had my hair done by this marvelous new stylist on Fifth Avenue and he gave me an uplift style to match my new breast implants,” said the wolf in grandma’s clothing.

And Little Red believed him because it made perfect sense.

“Why, Grandmother, what big teeth you have,” said Little Red.

“They’re new implants,” said the wolf in grandma’s clothing, “and they serve me well when I’m eating the snacks at the bar during happy hour.”

And Little Red went running out of the house crying, “Wolf! wolf! wolf!” because she knew that grandma was always in the restaurant eating the early-bird special at four o’clock like any retiree,
but the bars at happy hour are always full of wolves. (Cynthia MacGregor)

One of my all time favorites!  I LOVE this joke!

A woman went to her doctor’s office where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded: “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?!?!”
The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking  up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

And how about some new Dear (blank), Sincerely (blank)?

Dear Sesame Street,
Please go back to the way you were, when Oscar lived in a trash can not a recycling bin, Vegetable monster was Cookie monster, and Bert and Ernie were still on the show because everyone thought they were brothers. Sincerely, Sick of political correctness.

Dear Tigger,
Please consider decaf.
Sincerely, Eeyore.

Dear Gaston,
I thought you were gay. What with the singing and wanting a wedding. Sincerely, Belle.

Dear Snow White,
Two I can understand, four I can forgive but seven is just plain slutty.
Sincerely, Prince Charming.

Dear Captain Hook,
What was your name before you lost your hand?
Sincerely, A Very Lost Boy.

Dear Pinocchio,
I love the way you lie.
Sincerely, Rihanna.

Dear Mario,
Yea, it’s every princess’s dream to be rescued by a fat plumber with a pedostache.
Sincerely, Princess Peach.

Dear Waldo,
Well played.
Sincerely, Ninjas.

I’m headed to the gun range!
 
Three reasons I’ll never give up my guns.

Gott’a get back to the firing range… My turn to pick up the brass behind the shooting stations!!
 
Guns have only two enemies;  Rust and Liberal Politicians.

 

When I was younger, and on “shore leave” from Navy boot camp, I went down to Tijuana for the day. Walking down Calle Revolución, a sexy señorita called down from a balcony, “Hey, Meester! You come up here, I geeve you something you never had before!”

I replied, “What’s that? Cancer?”

I think this whole idea of “burping” your Tupperware is silly.  Personally, I’m waiting for Tupperware I can fart. -Kim Moser

Okay, here’s a new section that I think you will find hilarious! 

A young couple recently decided to start off their life of marital bliss by getting hitched at Wal-Mart. This is the comedy-world equivalent of a hanging curveball.

The Top 5 Things Overheard at a Wal-Mart Wedding

5. “If that creepy yellow smiley face comes by one more time, I
     swear I’m going over to sporting goods to buy some ammo.”

4. “I’m sorry, miss, but shoplifting an iPod does not qualify
     as your ‘something borrowed.'”

3. “Great — we finally get the entire wedding party crammed
     into the photo machine, and Bubba runs out of quarters!”

2. “Pre-nup in aisle seven!”

and The Number 1 Thing Overheard at a Wal-Mart Wedding…

1. “Jewish tradition or not, buddy, you broke that glass and
     you’re gonna pay for it.”

Thanks to George for sending us this little peek at history….

Enjoy this piece of history – it doesn’t get any better than this!

CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW, GREAT VIDEO

http://www.theospark.net/2010/06/video-old-666.html

This is hilarious!  Talk about getting more of an answer than you bargained for!  I thought it was great that the news guy hung right in there with him through the whole explanation:

Irish Banker Tells It Like It Is

An Irish banker tells a reporter exactly what is wrong with the Irish economy and explains what a ‘wanker banker’ is. Someone buy this guy a drink.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/f1e28a4b68/irish-banker-tells-it-like-it-is?utm_campaign=newsletter20110106&utm_content=fdnews&utm_medium=email&utm_source=newsletter&utm_term=fd

After a spate of shark attacks in Australia, the Week asked its readers to create that country’s next tourism slogan. Here’s what they came up with:
–  “What happens off the coast of Australia, stays off the coast of Australia.”
–  “We’ll throw another limb on the Barbie.”
–  “Australia: Disarmingly beautiful.”
–  “Our visitors: The other white meat.”
–  “Not quite heaven, but you can get there from here.”

And another new picture section.  All of these will be how they use naughtiness to advertise……stuff.  All kinds of stuff.  Today’s opening salvo for this section is for durex….
 

So, pretty straight forward, right?  How about this next one…a little more provocative, more subliminal…and it’s for an adult beverage.  Now you see where we will be going with this ….

There is much truth in the things we joke about.  Funny things are sometimes funny because they are so close to the truth and we all laugh together because we can see the closeness to real life in the jokes:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”.

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”.  The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been recategorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance”..

The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.   

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards”.  They don’t have any other levels.  This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”.  The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender”.  The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing”.  Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides”.   

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”.  They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.   

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual;  the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.    

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.   

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out preemptive strikes on all of their allies “just in case”.   

Canada doesn’t have any alert levels.   

New Zealand has raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA”.  Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is “I hope Australia will come and rescue us”.   

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, mate”. Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!”, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled”.  So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Israel did not report any changes in it’s security levels.  “Ho-hum” was their response.

The Birth Order

Your Clothes:

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don’t bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?

Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress–a whimper, a frown–you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby’s diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!

GRANDCHILDREN: …God’s reward for allowing your children to live.

Today’s Last Word comes as a personal recommendation from me.  I’ve found that people who are friends (aren’t we all friends?) or people who are of the same mindset (don’t we think alike?  okay, so don’t answer that one!) or people who laugh at the same things, tend to have the same likes and dislikes when it comes to their entertainment choices, such as books and movies.  So, when I say that I have a book (actually two … the first two books of a trilogy) that I would like to recommend to you, my camper friends, I’m doing so because I think, since I found them to be fantastic reads, you might too!
So, another cool thing is that these books are from a brand new writer!  This is great! To be one of the first people to discover a great, new writer is cool!  It’s like discovering a new artist and buying some of their paintings before they become famous!  This writer is so new, that she is printing her stuff herself, on Amazon.com, which means that you can only get her books electronically.  I know, this is sad, but most all of us can read electronic books in one format or another and if you search around you can find them.  I have a Kindle Application on my phone that I use for most of my books and at amazon.com, both of these books are on sale, right now for 99¢ each!  You can’t beat that for a great read!
Now, what are they about?  Kara Thorpe does a GREAT job in these fantasy/romance/demon/ …. heck, I don’t know what category they fall into.  LOL.  Here’s what the amazon web site has to say about the book:

Daddy’s little girl.
That’s what clairvoyant Viola Ashwood has been her entire life. She wouldn’t mind quite so much if her father hadn’t been possessed by a powerful, and nasty, demon nearly a decade earlier. After recovering from a horribly tragic confrontation with Daddy Dearest, Viola wants nothing more than to get back in to the federally-funded but privately run demon-hunting Network. Duke, her brother’s ex-best friend and the guy she’s crushed on since she was six, stands in her way. As Network regional head, Duke’s got plenty of reasons for keeping Viola out of his region, and that’s before he considers the fact that her father’s on the Network’s most wanted list
Just when Duke grudgingly allows Viola into the Network, Daddy Dearest, still possessed and more obsessed with Viola than ever, reappears. While trying to stay one step ahead of the demon, Viola struggles to overcome fears about her surprise demonic heritage while learning to control her new abilities. Especially the one that has her raising zombie squirrels in the middle of the afternoon. Together, Duke and Viola deal with dangerous demons, centuries of family secrets, and a mysterious link that may bind them together for life.

Yeah, zombie squirrels….and that ain’t the half of it!  Read the first one…..then, read the second one, and then, do like I do and harass the author to finish the third one so we can ALL see how it turns out! 
This one gets 5 thumbs up!

Good Morning.  Saturday Morning.  Nice, three day weekend.  You could probably expect to get a couple of things posted to your favorite ezine site…no, that’s not “Comics 2 Laff @” or “Funny Stuff R Us”!  It’s your own “Dragon Laffs”!  Now, run along, go tell all your friends.
And for now…….
Let’s Laugh!

With 49 of the 50 states having snow right now, (Florida seems to be the only hold out) this is exactly the way I feel:

And to go along perfectly with the above cartoon (from our dear camper friend Jeannie):

Just a note here.  Last night I saw on the news how Southern California got hit with snow—they had 100 mile backup on the freeway!  Then they showed clips of people just spinning in circles.  It was hilarious!  They interviewed one guy and he says, “I ain’t never seen snow except for in the movies!”  Lighweights!! hehehe  (Bet people from Minnesota were laughing their asses off at them!)

Satire from “The Onion”

Snowy Conditions Proving Hazardous For Nation’s Idiots

If you know an idiot, please make sure they’re safe and not standing naked in a snow embankment on a dare.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/snowy-conditions-proving-hazardous-for-nations-idi,18705/

Keep your computer virus free.

I shall take you to bed and I will make you ache, shake and sweat til you moan, I will exhaust you till your begging me for mercy untill you beg me to stop and after I’m thru you’ll be sore and unable to walk for a week. Sincerely Yours ~ The Flu    (Now get your  mind off sex and go get a flu shot already!)

You’re going to agree and laugh at every one of these!

More Words That Should Exist
Arachnidiot – Description of a person who wanders into an “invisible”
spider web and flails around, gyrating wildly, trying to rub it off.
Cheedle – The residue left on your fingers after eating Cheetos
(Registered TM).
Choconiverous – Used to describe a person who bites the head off a
chocolate Easter bunny first.
Deodorend – The last 1/2 inch of a stick deodorant that won’t push up,
making the tube good only for underarm lacerations.
Jiffylust – The passionate desire to be the first person to dip into a
brand new jar of peanut butter.
Kawashocky – Pulling into what you thought was an empty parking space,
only to discover a motorcycle is parked there.
Mowmuffins – The accumulated clumps of dried grass on the underside of
the lawn mower.
Nocturnuggets – The deposits you have to rub out of your eyes every
morning after a good night’s sleep.
Pajangle – Waking up to find your pajamas have turned 180 degrees
around while you were sleeping.
Prestofrigeration – When searching for a snack, this is the act of
returning to the refrigerator time and again in hopes something new
will have materialized.
Scribbobics – Warm up exercises to get the ink in a pen flowing.
Slackjam – The act of being stuck in your trousers while trying to
remove them without taking off your shoes.
Snackmosphere – The empty yet explosive layer of air at the top of a
bag of potato chips or other snackage.
Spudrubble – The unclaimed fries that have fallen to the bottom of the
fast food sack.

Do you remember this guy?  Is he that old already that people don’t know him anymore?  Man, we’re getting old fast.

It’s snowing like crazy here today.
My friend says that since  it’s been snowing,
all his wife does is look through the window”.
He reckons if it gets much worse he’ll have to let her  in.

THE WOODEN LEG

A man and his wife, moved back home to West Virginia,
from Ohio. The husband had a wooden leg, and to
insure it back in Ohio cost them $2000 per year!
 
When they arrived in West Virginia, they went to an insurance agency
  to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.
 
The agent looked it up on the computer and said: ‘$39.’
 
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in
West Virginia to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio!
 
The insurance agent turned his computer screen
to the couple and said,
“Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure,
with a sprinkler system above it, is $39… You just
have to know how to describe it!”

Jewish Proverbs,
    Most Direct quotes   
 
If the rich could hire other people to die for them,
the poor could make a wonderful living.
Yiddish Proverb
 
The wise man, even when he holds his tongue,
says more than the fool when he speaks .
Yiddish Proverb
 
What you don’t see with your eyes,
don’t invent with your mouth.
Yiddish proverb
 
A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut
when he is right.
Yiddish Proverb
 
One old friend is better than two new ones.
Yiddish Proverb
 
One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t
good enough to marry your daughter can be the father
of the smartest grandchild in the world. 
Jewish Proverb
 
A wise man hears one word and understands two.
Yiddish Proverb
 
“Don’t be so humble –
you are not that great.” 
Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat
 
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex.
It takes a touch of genius – and a lot of courage
to move in the opposite direction.  
Albert Einstein
 
Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance,
you must keep moving.
Albert Einstein
 
Intellectuals solve problems;
geniuses prevent them.
Albert Einstein
 
You can’t control the wind, but you
can adjust your sails.
Yiddish proverb
 
I don’t want to become immortal through my work.
I want to become Immortal through not dying.
Woody Allen
 
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Sign hanging in Einstein’s office at Princeton .
 
We can’t solve problems by using the same kind
of thinking we used when we created them . 
Albert Einstein

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um … no.”

The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

“or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

Samurai Obama?

http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmovie.php?id=2145 

Here’s another terrible one from our one and only Lethal Leprechaun…Zack, I think you have some competition, dude.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,’ she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterward they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! ‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’
‘No,’ she replies …
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Wait for it.
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It’s coming.

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The suspense is killing you, isn’t it?

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She says, ‘You just happened to catch my eye.’

Tim Tebow, former Florida Gators quarterback, and now the Denver Broncos quarterback has NEVER fumbled !!!!

In 2007, Florida ‘s Tim Tebow was awarded the Heisman Trophy as a sophomore, the first time ever the award has gone to a second year player..
In addition to his amazing passing, running and TD stats is the fact that he has NEVER fumbled the ball!  How is he able to hold on to the football so well? What grip does he use??

Tim’s grip training technique was inspired by his girlfriend, of 2 years, Amber.

“I really have to say, with her help and training support, I have been able to strengthen my grip, with either hand, even if I barely have any piece of the ball in my hand” 

Note the grip on the football shown here!
“But I feel that I can still improve my game if I stick with Amber’s training method just one more year” 
Introducing the Amazing Tim Tebow Grip Master Training System!!!

Any Questions?  I didn’t think so!
 

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

• The captain of the USS Enterprise aircraft carrier has been relieved of command for appearing in raunchy videos on the ship. They are calling this the most embarrassing video involving Navy personnel since that guy from the Village People.
• The top things people give up for the new year are junk food, alcohol, smoking, and gambling. So basically, people are giving up on 7-Eleven.
• Over the weekend, thousands of dead birds fell out of the sky in Arkansas. Apparently this is Arkansas’ version of the New Year’s Eve ball drop.
• According to the Japanese press, Sony is coming out with a smartphone that has a PlayStation built in to compete with the iPhone. It’s called the “I-just-crashed-my-car-phone.”

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

• Hugh Hefner reportedly gave his new fiancée a $90,000 diamond engagement ring. It’s not that impressive. Back when he bought it, it was still a lump of coal.
• Nickelodeon just renewed “SpongeBob SquarePants” for a ninth season. You can tell SpongeBob is growing up because he wants to be called “SpongeRobert.”
• As Nickelodeon announced the ninth season of “SpongeBob SquarePants,” the NFL announced that this was the last season of “Brett Favre NoPants.”
• Kate Middleton’s uncle is reportedly getting over a drug problem so that he can be invited to her ceremony, and Prince William’s uncle has to clean up his act too. At a luncheon last week, he used his salad fork on the beef tenderloin.

Amazing Find

From National Geographic via Powerline

 

The discovery of an amazingly large cave in Vietnam is big news. National Geographic has an interesting article, linked, accompanied by a number of spectacular photographs. The cave, Hang Son Doong, is located in a remote jungle. Still, it is hard to understand how it could have gone undiscovered for so long. Vietnamese caves have a long history, but this one could comfortably house a skyscraper.

View the National Geographic article here and the gallery here.

 

 

Wow, we are just full of awesome stuff today.  This one was sent in by Lynn and it is WAY COOL!  I’ve watched it several times just to see it go through the stages…

This is the making of a Boeing plane in time lapse photography.  Really interesting.

It is amazing….

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=zKnsyYbfC60&feature=popular

Our three children like to spin in our home office chairs.   One of the chairs makes this annoying popping noise whenever they are spinning in it that is not conducive to productive thought processes.  We have told the children time and time again NOT to spin in the chair.
       Either they forget or it is an act of defiance, but they continue to spin in the chair from time to time, leading us to believe that this is an act of swivel disobedience. — Tiff Wimberly            

‘Tis the Leprechaun here folks~

Believe it or nae, himself the Dragon asked me if t’was soon to be another chapter in the sordid tales of his life! Not wanting to disappoint him or stress him out I promised I would post it immediately!

Driving Impish Dragon and his wife to the airport, we passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. Impish’s wife glanced up at it and announced, “I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I’d look like her.”

“No,” Impish corrected. “If I drank a twelve pack, you’d look like her.”

We were forced to divert to a level 1 trauma hospital to seek immediate care for Impish’s injuries.

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Impish once confided in me (from a hospital trauma ward bed) his newly acquired secret to a good marriage: “No matter how many promises you make to be completely honest with each other, never respond to your wife’s ‘What are thinking about?’ question with an answer that involves football, beer or especially her sister’s breasts.”

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Impish keep telling his kid they can’t go to Disney World because it’s too expensive and too far away.
It really isn’t, but  that’s his story he’s sticking to it, at least until Daisy Duck lifts the restraining order!

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Mrs Dragon told Impish he was no longer romantic, so he booked a table for the two of them on Valentine’s night.

The problem was she sucks at snooker & eight-ball.

Now he sucks his dinner thru a straw cause his jaw is wired shut after they removed the cue ball from his mouth!

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Impish goes to the doctor with hearing problems.
The doctor asked, “Can you describe the symptoms to me?”

“Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard  and Marge is a skinny broad with big blue hair.”

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The Red Cross  knocked at Impish Dragon’s door and asked if he could help towards the floods in Pakistan.

Impish  said “I’d would love to, but my garden  hose only reaches to the driveway. “

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Impish Dragon finds out that his bookkeeper, Brenda, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is stacked, beautiful and smart but totally deaf. That was the reason she got the job in the first place.  It was assumed that Brenda would hear nothing so she would never have be able to testify in court.

When the Impish goes to confront Brenda about his missing $10 million, he takes along Lethal Leprechaun his lawyer who knows sign language ( and how to hide a body). Impish tells the Lethal, “Ask her where my money is.”

The Leprechaun, using sign language, asks Brenda, “where’s the money?”

Brenda signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The Lethal tells the Dragon, “She says she doesn’t know what you are talking about”.

Impish pulls out a pistol, puts it to Brenda’s temple, cocks the hammer back and says, “Ask her freakin’ again!”

The Leprechaun signs to Brenda, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”

Brenda signs back, OK” You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”

Impish impatiently asks Lethal, “What did she say?”

The Leprechaun replies, “She says she’s seen you naked and you don’t have the balls to pull that trigger.”

 

Several people have asked if the events in the Dragon’s and my life recently were going to cause us not to comment on the tragic events in Arizona or their aftermath. In truth it has been on my “To-do list” for a couple of days. However when I am forced to reprioritize (its amazing but having dependable heat in the middle of a cold snap has been an automatic #1 every time) it kept getting shoved pretty far down the list.

Finally with a reasonably and dependably warm Leprechaun’s Lair once again and a big pot of soup started, I sat down to organize all my thoughts which I kept noting down on my phone into a coherent format. Then I received this from a friend and realized a picture and a quote was all that was needed to put this entire thing in perspective:

So there is your picture and here is your quote:

OH HELLS NO!

Today since there has yet to be a Dragon Laffs Issue we’ll do a Two-fer-One special on Introspections. First the Part 5 installement of our Weirdest Stories of 2010 10 part feature.

The woman who achieved the record of world’s fattest at 700 pounds

Terri Smith, 49, a 700-pound woman is pinned in her sleeping room, incapable to move, stand or roll across by herself – adjusting the fresh world record as the Fattest woman. She suffers severe headaches and needs an MRI scan to check out for a potential brain tumor, unfortunately she is also too big to fit in a scanner or to pass through the doors of a hospital.

Terry has never been a delicate female child. At the age of 7, she weighed almost 70 kilograms. The woman explains that her family was poor which did not allow for her parents to bargain healthy foods. At the age of twenty, Terry weighed about 120 kilograms. Terri wedded husband Myron, whom she looks up to as her guardian spirit, in 1986. At the age of 32 she built up severe arthritis in her knees and was incapable to walking more than a couple of steps at one time. Smith was lastly given an electric wheelchair to get around in. The lack of physical exercise and not having modified her eating caused her weight balloon to the point wherever she could barely stand. Then about three years ago a change in her medicine caused her to gain 91 pounds in 30 days. Those pounds forced her to the bed ridden state she has been in ever since. (Link)

OK now both Impish and I are not little guys and freely acknowledge we carry more than just a few extra pounds of padding so we really DO NOT have room to throw stones.

However this IS supposed to be a humorous introspection and I AM supposed to have a wry comment after each post so here goes….

DAMN! She’s not sitting ’round the house…the house be barely sitting ’round her!

49 states have snow, with Florida the only holdout

HONOLULU — Even Hawaii has snow on the ground, along with every other state except Florida.

The National Weather Service said there was 7 inches of snow on the top of Mauna Kea on Hawaii’s Big Island on Tuesday.

Thank god for Global Warming! No telling HOW MUCH snow Hawaii and the Deep South would have received with out it!