Good morning campers! What a wonderful Monday morning it is! Coffee is hot and steamy, house is quiet, can have a very relaxing ….
What do you mean, you have to work?
it’s only a FEDERAL holiday?
I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t rub it in…..never mind….it’s a crappy morning.
Don’t you just [Turn the music down!] hate Mondays? Gosh, let’s all just drag our [Shh! and get that girl off your lap!] collective asses off to the [I mean it! quiet down! These guys have got to go to work today!] kitchen and get one more cup of coffee while we read our favorite e-zine [about 1 minute, okay?] and get a laugh or two in before we have to go to work.
Achmed the Arab came to America from the Middle East , and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said: ‘Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.’
Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, ‘It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?’
The doctor said …. ‘You were homesick’.
If movie characters had the internet:
When Lethal Leprechaun was but a wee Leprechaun of a hundred or so years, he had a favorite dog that went missing. He was inconsolable. Finally, Molly, his wife says to him, “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper, Lethal?”
He does, but two weeks later the poor dog is still missing. “Why did you put in the paper? Mrs. Leprechaun asks.
”Here boy,” replies Lethal
Little Red Riding Hood got to her grandmother’s house and didn’t recognize the wolf in grandma’s clothing, but she knew something was different. “Why, Grandmother, what big eyes you have,” said Little Red.
“They appear larger because I had an eyelid tuck at a marvelous plastic surgeon on Rodeo Drive,”
said the wolf in grandma’s clothing.
And Little Red believed him because it made perfect sense.
“Why, Grandmother, what big ears you have,” said Little Red.
“They appear larger because I had my hair done by this marvelous new stylist on Fifth Avenue and he gave me an uplift style to match my new breast implants,” said the wolf in grandma’s clothing.
And Little Red believed him because it made perfect sense.
“Why, Grandmother, what big teeth you have,” said Little Red.
“They’re new implants,” said the wolf in grandma’s clothing, “and they serve me well when I’m eating the snacks at the bar during happy hour.”
And Little Red went running out of the house crying, “Wolf! wolf! wolf!” because she knew that grandma was always in the restaurant eating the early-bird special at four o’clock like any retiree,
but the bars at happy hour are always full of wolves. (Cynthia MacGregor)
One of my all time favorites! I LOVE this joke!
A woman went to her doctor’s office where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded: “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?!?!”
The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”
And how about some new Dear (blank), Sincerely (blank)?
Dear Sesame Street,
Please go back to the way you were, when Oscar lived in a trash can not a recycling bin, Vegetable monster was Cookie monster, and Bert and Ernie were still on the show because everyone thought they were brothers. Sincerely, Sick of political correctness.
Please consider decaf.
I thought you were gay. What with the singing and wanting a wedding. Sincerely, Belle.
Dear Snow White,
Two I can understand, four I can forgive but seven is just plain slutty.
Sincerely, Prince Charming.
Dear Captain Hook,
What was your name before you lost your hand?
Sincerely, A Very Lost Boy.
I love the way you lie.
Yea, it’s every princess’s dream to be rescued by a fat plumber with a pedostache.
Sincerely, Princess Peach.
Gott’a get back to the firing range… My turn to pick up the brass behind the shooting stations!!
Guns have only two enemies; Rust and Liberal Politicians.
When I was younger, and on “shore leave” from Navy boot camp, I went down to Tijuana for the day. Walking down Calle Revolución, a sexy señorita called down from a balcony, “Hey, Meester! You come up here, I geeve you something you never had before!”
I replied, “What’s that? Cancer?”
I think this whole idea of “burping” your Tupperware is silly. Personally, I’m waiting for Tupperware I can fart. -Kim Moser
A young couple recently decided to start off their life of marital bliss by getting hitched at Wal-Mart. This is the comedy-world equivalent of a hanging curveball.
The Top 5 Things Overheard at a Wal-Mart Wedding
5. “If that creepy yellow smiley face comes by one more time, I
swear I’m going over to sporting goods to buy some ammo.”
4. “I’m sorry, miss, but shoplifting an iPod does not qualify
as your ‘something borrowed.'”
3. “Great — we finally get the entire wedding party crammed
into the photo machine, and Bubba runs out of quarters!”
2. “Pre-nup in aisle seven!”
and The Number 1 Thing Overheard at a Wal-Mart Wedding…
1. “Jewish tradition or not, buddy, you broke that glass and
you’re gonna pay for it.”
Enjoy this piece of history – it doesn’t get any better than this!
CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW, GREAT VIDEO
This is hilarious! Talk about getting more of an answer than you bargained for! I thought it was great that the news guy hung right in there with him through the whole explanation:
An Irish banker tells a reporter exactly what is wrong with the Irish economy and explains what a ‘wanker banker’ is. Someone buy this guy a drink.
After a spate of shark attacks in Australia, the Week asked its readers to create that country’s next tourism slogan. Here’s what they came up with:
– “What happens off the coast of Australia, stays off the coast of Australia.”
– “We’ll throw another limb on the Barbie.”
– “Australia: Disarmingly beautiful.”
– “Our visitors: The other white meat.”
– “Not quite heaven, but you can get there from here.”
There is much truth in the things we joke about. Funny things are sometimes funny because they are so close to the truth and we all laugh together because we can see the closeness to real life in the jokes:
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”.
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”. The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been recategorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance”..
The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards”. They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender”. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides”.
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”. They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out preemptive strikes on all of their allies “just in case”.
Canada doesn’t have any alert levels.
New Zealand has raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA”. Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is “I hope Australia will come and rescue us”.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, mate”. Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!”, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled”. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Israel did not report any changes in it’s security levels. “Ho-hum” was their response.
The Birth Order
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?
1st baby: At the first sign of distress–a whimper, a frown–you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
1st baby: You change your baby’s diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!
GRANDCHILDREN: …God’s reward for allowing your children to live.
Today’s Last Word comes as a personal recommendation from me. I’ve found that people who are friends (aren’t we all friends?) or people who are of the same mindset (don’t we think alike? okay, so don’t answer that one!) or people who laugh at the same things, tend to have the same likes and dislikes when it comes to their entertainment choices, such as books and movies. So, when I say that I have a book (actually two … the first two books of a trilogy) that I would like to recommend to you, my camper friends, I’m doing so because I think, since I found them to be fantastic reads, you might too!
So, another cool thing is that these books are from a brand new writer! This is great! To be one of the first people to discover a great, new writer is cool! It’s like discovering a new artist and buying some of their paintings before they become famous! This writer is so new, that she is printing her stuff herself, on Amazon.com, which means that you can only get her books electronically. I know, this is sad, but most all of us can read electronic books in one format or another and if you search around you can find them. I have a Kindle Application on my phone that I use for most of my books and at amazon.com, both of these books are on sale, right now for 99¢ each! You can’t beat that for a great read!
Now, what are they about? Kara Thorpe does a GREAT job in these fantasy/romance/demon/ …. heck, I don’t know what category they fall into. LOL. Here’s what the amazon web site has to say about the book:
Daddy’s little girl.
That’s what clairvoyant Viola Ashwood has been her entire life. She wouldn’t mind quite so much if her father hadn’t been possessed by a powerful, and nasty, demon nearly a decade earlier. After recovering from a horribly tragic confrontation with Daddy Dearest, Viola wants nothing more than to get back in to the federally-funded but privately run demon-hunting Network. Duke, her brother’s ex-best friend and the guy she’s crushed on since she was six, stands in her way. As Network regional head, Duke’s got plenty of reasons for keeping Viola out of his region, and that’s before he considers the fact that her father’s on the Network’s most wanted list
Just when Duke grudgingly allows Viola into the Network, Daddy Dearest, still possessed and more obsessed with Viola than ever, reappears. While trying to stay one step ahead of the demon, Viola struggles to overcome fears about her surprise demonic heritage while learning to control her new abilities. Especially the one that has her raising zombie squirrels in the middle of the afternoon. Together, Duke and Viola deal with dangerous demons, centuries of family secrets, and a mysterious link that may bind them together for life.
Yeah, zombie squirrels….and that ain’t the half of it! Read the first one…..then, read the second one, and then, do like I do and harass the author to finish the third one so we can ALL see how it turns out!
This one gets 5 thumbs up!