Dragon Laffs

Good morning campers!  I hope everyone is fine, doing well and having a wonderful new year!  I have a request to make of you… in the last week or so we’ve had total hits of between 700 and clear into the 900’s, but we haven’t broken our own record set on 30 Nov 10 when we had 1003 views.  We would love to break that record, but the only way we are going to do that is if you, dear, dear campers, forward our link on to your friends and family. 
And that’s my request.
To forward us to all your friends and family.
Look, do I need to spell it out for you?
Okay, now, did you also know that you can leave comments?
Yup, you can.
At the bottom of each and every posting, whether it’s a full Dragon Laffs like this one or one of the Leprechaun’s wonderful quickies, there is a link that looks like either this:
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment
if no one else has left a comment yet; or this:
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment
If someone else has already commented.
Also, on the right-hand side of the blog you can read the most recent 15 comments that have been made.  They make for almost as much fun reading as the ezine itself does.

Now that we have all that worked out…

Let’s Laugh!

The Old Country Boy’s:
DID YA KNOW OR DO YA CARE?

The Naming of the Days
Sunday — Sun’s day
Monday — Moon’s day
Tuesday — Tiu’s day
Wednesday — Woden’s day
Thursday — Thor’s day
Friday — Freya’s day
Saturday — Saturn’s day

The Seven-Day Week

The Babylonians marked time with lunar months. They proscribed some activities during several days of the month, particularly the

first — the first visible crecent,
seventh — the waxing half moon,
fourteenth — the full moon,
nineteenth — dedicated to an offended goddess,
twenty-first — the waning half moon,
twenty-eigth — the last visible crecent,
twenty-ninth — the invisible moon, and
thirtieth (possibly) — the invisible moon.

The major periods are seven days, 1/4 month, long. This seven-day period was later regularized and disassociated from the lunar month to become our seven-day week.

The Naming of the Days

The Greeks named the days week after the sun, the moon and the five known planets, which were in turn named after the gods Ares, Hermes, Zeus, Aphrodite, and Cronus. The Greeks called the days of the week the Theon hemerai “days of the Gods”. The Romans substituted their equivalent gods for the Greek gods, Mars, Mercury, Jove (Jupiter), Venus, and Saturn. (The two pantheons are very similar.) The Germanic peoples generally substituted roughly similar gods for the Roman gods, Tiu (Twia), Woden, Thor, Freya (Fria), but did not substitute Saturn.

Sunday — Sun’s day

Middle English sone(n)day or sun(nen)day
Old English sunnandæg “day of the sun”
Germanic sunnon-dagaz “day of the sun”
Latin dies solis “day of the sun”
Ancient Greek hemera heli(o)u, “day of the sun”

Monday — Moon’s day

Middle English Monday or mone(n)day
Old English mon(an)dæg “day of the moon”
Latin dies lunae “day of the moon”
Ancient Greek hemera selenes “day of the moon”

Tuesday — Tiu’s day

Middle English tiwesday or tewesday
Old English tiwesdæg “Tiw’s (Tiu’s) day”
Latin dies Martis “day of Mars”
Ancient Greek hemera Areos “day of Ares”

Tiu (Twia) is the English/Germanic god of war and the sky. He is identified with the Norse god Tyr.

Mars is the Roman god of war.

Ares is the Greek god of war.

Wednesday — Woden’s day

Middle English wodnesday, Wednesday, or wednesdai
Old English wodnesdæg “Woden’s day”
Latin dies Mercurii “day of Mercury”
Ancient Greek hemera Hermu “day of Hermes”

Woden is the chief Anglo-Saxon/Teutonic god. Woden is the leader of the Wild Hunt. Woden is from wod “violently insane” + –en “headship”. He is identified with the Norse Odin.

Mercury is the Roman god of commerce, travel, theivery, eloquence and science. He is the messenger of the other gods.

Hermes is the Greek god of commerce, invention, cunning, and theft. He is the messenger and herald of the other gods. He serves as patron of travelers and rogues, and as the conductor of the dead to Hades.

Thursday — Thor’s day

Middle English thur(e)sday
Old English thursdæg
Old Norse thorsdagr “Thor’s day”
Old English thunresdæg “thunder’s day”
Latin dies Jovis “day of Jupiter”
Ancient Greek hemera Dios “day of Zeus”.

Thor is the Norse god of thunder. He is represented as riding a chariot drawn by goats and wielding the hammer Miölnir. He is the defender of the Aesir, destined to kill and be killed by the Midgard Serpent.

Jupiter (Jove) is the supreme Roman god and patron of the Roman state. He is noted for creating thunder and lightning.

Zeus is Greek god of the heavens and the supreme Greek god.

Friday — Freya’s day

Middle English fridai
Old English frigedæg “Freya’s day”
composed of Frige (genetive singular of Freo) + dæg “day” (most likely)
or composed of Frig “Frigg” + dæg “day” (least likely)
Germanic frije-dagaz “Freya’s (or Frigg’s) day”
Latin dies Veneris “Venus’s day”
Ancient Greek hemera Aphrodites “day of Aphrodite”

Freo is identical with freo, meaning free. It is from the Germanic frijaz meaning “beloved, belonging to the loved ones, not in bondage, free”.

Freya (Fria) is the Teutonic goddess of love, beauty, and fecundity (prolific procreation). She is identified with the Norse god Freya. She is leader of the Valkyries and one of the Vanir. She is confused in Germany with Frigg.

Frigg (Frigga) is the Teutonic goddess of clouds, the sky, and conjugal (married) love. She is identified with Frigg, the Norse goddess of love and the heavens and the wife of Odin. She is one of the Aesir. She is confused in Germany with Freya.

Venus is the Roman goddess of love and beauty.

Aphrodite (Cytherea) is the Greek goddess of love and beauty.

Saturday — Saturn’s day

Middle English saterday
Old English sæter(nes)dæg “Saturn’s day”
Latin dies Saturni “day of Saturn”
Ancient Greek hemera Khronu “day of Cronus”

Saturn is the Roman and Italic god of agriculture and the consort of Ops. He is believed to have ruled the earth during an age of happiness and virtue.

It goes Christmas, New Year’s Eve, and Valentine’s Day. Is that
fair to anyone who’s alone? If you didn’t get around to killing
yourself on Christmas or New Year’s, boom, there’s Valentine’s Day
for you. There should be a holiday after Valentine’s Day called
“Are you still here?” (Laura Kightlinger)

This picture is not here because it’s funny…

…to my friends and family back in Jersey: look closely behind her and I’m SURE you’ll recognize where she is.  If I can recognize it after only being there once in the last 33 years, you guys should be able to pick it right out.  Really gives Jersey a bad name….then again, it doesn’t require this to give Jersey a bad name, Jersey has had a bad name and the “Real Sluts of New Jersey Housewives” reality TV show doesn’t help.  Oh well.  Anyone need any additional explanation as to why I am the way I am? 

It’s been raining in Los Angeles for four straight days. When asked
if they had ever seen anything like this before, most residents
said something in Spanish. (Tim Hunter)

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play
racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing
but a bag over his head and passes the three women. As he passes the
first woman, she looks down at his penis. “He’s not my husband,”
she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down
at his penis. “He’s not my husband either,” she says, also not
recognizing the unit. He passes by the third woman, who takes a
good long look as he runs by her. “Wait a minute,” she says. “He’s
not even a member of this club.”

84-year-old Hugh Hefner is getting married to his 24- year-old
Playmate girlfriend Crystal Harris. Actually, there’s some debate
about Harris’s age. USA Today says she’s 23. And there’s some
debate about Hefner’s age. We’re not sure if it’s Bronze or Stone.

“Playboy” founder, 84-year-old Hugh Hefner is engaged to 24-year-old
Playmate, Crystal Harris. When asked what it is like to be engaged
to an Octogenarian, Harris said, it’s fine, I’m a Sagittarius. (Alex
Kaseberg)

Ezra Klein, you sad little man

Is The Constitution Really Too Hard to Understand?

Written by Jared H. McAndersen

Thursday, 30 December 2010 15:52

You didn’t read the title wrong, get a load of this…

http://www.thelookingspoon.com/blog/29-december-2010/2042-is-the-constitution-really-too-hard-to-understand.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+thelookingspoon%2FGprc+%28The+Looking+Spoon+Conservative+Humor+Blog%29

The Luckiest People on Earth

Although the last ones aren’t lucky, they are part of a TV commercial….but still funny!

Another one of my all time favorites:

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road..

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn’t even an American.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, “Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!”

“And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a fucking truck hit us.”

 

“I know I need some kind of athletic activity in my life, so I
subscribed to a couple of health magazines. There’s nothing
better than kicking back with a cigarette, a Budweiser, and
Prevention magazine… and reading about what nicotine, alcohol,
and sloth will do to me. The anxiety alone raises my heart rate.”

 

To the wonderful campers who wrote to me and asked me about “jack-wagon” …

Gosh, I love that commercial!

Virginia sheriffs reported Friday somebody robbed a bank while wearing a Hillary Clinton mask. The thief had the element of surprise. Every time the security guards see someone from the Obama administration walk into the bank they assume they are bringing money, not taking it. -A. Hamilton

From one of our wonderful campers….Jeannie:

I’m sure I’ve sent this before…but I really, really love this song… Dave Matthews Band – You & Me (GRAMMYs on CBS)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A6t78OW-yhM

And lastly, from our dear camper friend Lynn…

Snowflakes Under an Electron Microscope Wired Science Wired.com

Sadly, going back to work today.  While it’s been great fun, getting caught up and being able to talk to friends and stuff, I’m almost looking forward to going back to work.  Maybe I can get a little rest.
Nah, I’m kidding.
Let’s Laugh!

This is weird…amazingly precise Ads from AT&T… in 1993!
http://www.makeuseof.com/tech-fun/amazingly-precise-predictions-from-att-in-1993/

And a great send from one of my dearest and oldest friends:

Remember “sniglets”….words that Rich Hall used to come up with that described a feature common to many of our lives?
Like, “Lactomangulation”?   Which meant to open your milk carton on the wrong side and then realized you had to open it on the correct side, resulting in a mangled milk carton.
“Carperpetuation” was the act of running over something on the carpet with the vacuum cleaner repeatedly, hoping it would suck it up THIS time.
Well, I just came up with my own.   “Mousedirection” where you roll your mouse cursor over the thing you THOUGHT you wanted to click on only to find you clicked on the wrong thing.  And, “mouseappropriation” when you click and drag the wrong thing instead of the one you wanted. 
Other sniglets that I use include “furbling” which is the act of standing in line at the bank or DMV while surrounded by the ropes.  
Cheers,

Wheats

A perfect cup of coffee? – Yahoo! News
http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_weekend/20101230/ts_yblog_weekend/a-perfect-cup-of-coffee

Check out how Wilson manufactures NFL game footballs.

How Wilson manufactures NFL game footballs

By the way, pay attention to how long these folks have been working at their jobs at Wilson.

The Priest had just finished hearing Lethal Leprechaun’s rather lengthy confession and was considering the man’s penitence.
“Are you sure you’re going to try to set aside all sin?”
“Yes, Father, I certainly am going to try.” replied Lethal contritely. “I hereby resolve to double my efforts.”
“And you’re going to attend Mass regularly my son?” the Priest went on.
“Yes, Father, I realize I have strayed.” said Lethal. “I shall both worship and confess every week.”
“And how about your debts and those you have cheated?” inquired the Priest.
“Now just a bloody minute, Father!” said the Leprechaun. “Now you’re talking about business, not religion!”

Exactly!
And why is it that we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Here’s another one of my favorite jokes:

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend ? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and commit my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and  if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.

“I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go upstairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her clothes and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment,then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door, stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said,”We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter.  “Welcome to the family!”

The moral of this story is this:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Thanks to Stephanie for this GREAT Ads!
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1Abm3q/justpaste.it/2p8

Political Incorrectness
A short lesson
by

 

Little Johnny…out of work, flat broke, wondering where his next Oreo is going to come from…

“Mommy?  You don’t look anything like I expected!”

An American tourist asks an Irishman:

“Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the Irishman replies:
“If they fell forwards they’d still be in the fookin’ boat.”

The Old Country Boy’s:
DID YA KNOW OR DO YA CARE?
A study of 950,000 Swedish men has shown that taller
men get a better education, a researcher said on Wednesday.

“My stomach has been bothering me, Doctor,” complained the patient.
“What have you been eating?” asked the doctor.
“That’s easy. I only eat pool balls.”
“Pool balls?!” said the astonished doctor. “Maybe that’s the trouble. What kind do you eat?”
“All kinds,” replied the man, “Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue ones for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner.”
“I see the problem,” said the doctor. “You haven’t been getting any greens.”

I was told we were expecting two feet of snow….well, it’s here:

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I’m following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is…..purified? Oh wait petrified, sorry it’s not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

A very spiritual, devout and holy priest dies and is immediately swept up to heaven. St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates, and says, “Hello, Father, we’ve been waiting for you for a long time. Welcome to Heaven! You are very well known here, and as a special reward, because you are such a spiritual and holy man, we’re going to grant you anything you wish even before you enter Heaven. What can I grant you?”

“Well,” the priest says, “I’ve always been a great admirer of the Virgin Mother. I’ve always wanted to talk to her.”

St. Peter nods his head to one side, and lo and behold who should approach the priest but the Virgin Mary!

The priest is beside is himself, and he manages to say, “Mother, I have always been a great admirer of yours, and have studied everything I could about you and followed your life as
best I could. I have studied every painting and portrait ever made of you, and I’ve noticed that you are always portrayed with a slightly sad look on your face. I have always, always wondered what it was that made you sad. Would you please tell me?”

“Honestly?” she asked, with a little pained grimace on her face. “Well…. I was really hoping for a girl.”

This one is from one of our Alaskan Campers…Bob

Do you like maps? 
Pretty cool:
http://www.euratlas.net/history/europe/index.html
Or, an animated gif moving through the years:
http://i.min.us/id3EVu.gif

This has been sent to me by several different people.  Thank you to each and every one.

From a pissed off gentleman  in Montana who, like many of  us,  has just about had enough. He has called down Senator Alan Simpson!  This should be sent to every career politician in office! There isn’t an insincere or inaccurate word here.
  

Hey Alan,
   Let’s get a few things straight…
   1.      As a career politician, you have been on the public dole for FIFTY YEARS…
   2.      I have been paying Social Security taxes for 48 YEARS (since I was 15 years old. I am now 63)…
   3.      My Social Security payments, and those of millions of other Americans, were safely tucked away in an interest bearing account for decades until you political pukes decided to raid the account and give OUR money to a bunch of zero ambition losers in return for votes, thus bankrupting the system and turning Social Security into a Ponzi scheme that would have made Bernie Madoff proud…
   4.      Recently, just like Lucy & Charlie Brown, you and your ilk pulled the proverbial football away from millions of American seniors nearing retirement and moved the goalposts for full retirement from age 65 to age 67. NOW, you and your shill commission is proposing to move the goalposts YET AGAIN…
   5.      I, and millions of other Americans, have been paying into Medicare from Day One, and now you morons propose to change the rules of the game. Why? Because you idiots mismanaged other parts of the economy to such an extent that you need to steal money from Medicare to pay the bills…
   6.      I, and millions of other Americans, have been paying income taxes our entire lives, and now you propose to increase our taxes yet again. Why? Because you incompetent bastards spent our money so profligately that you just kept on spending even after you ran out of money. Now, you come to the American taxpayers and say you need more to pay of YOUR debt…
   To add insult to injury, you label us “greedy” for calling “bullshit” on your incompetence. Well, Captain Bullshit, I have a few questions for YOU…
   1.      How much money have you earned from the American taxpayers during your pathetic 50-year political career?
   2.      At what age did you retire from your pathetic political career, and how much are you receiving in annual retirement benefits from the American taxpayers?
   3.      How much do you pay for YOUR government provided health insurance?
   4.      What cuts in YOUR retirement and health care benefits are you proposing in your disgusting deficit reduction proposal, or, as usual, have you exempted yourself and your political cronies?
   It is you, Captain Bullshit, and your political co-conspirators who are “greedy”. It is you and they who have bankrupted America and stolen the American dream from millions of loyal, patriotic taxpayers. And for what? Votes. That’s right, sir. You and yours have bankrupted America for the sole purpose of advancing your pathetic political careers. You know it, we know it, and you know that we know it.
   And you can take that to the bank, you miserable son of a bitch.

And there’s more; check NOW and AARP’s read… (click below).

http://www.aarp.org/work/social-security/info-09-2010/simpsons_social_security_outburst_may_upend_fiscal_commission_.html?CMP=KNC-360I-GOOGLE-WOR-SOC&HBX_PK=alan_simpson&utm_source=Google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=alan%2Bsimpson&utm_campaign=G_Work&360cid=SI_166879880_6659203141_1

Leprechaun here~

Before we get on with more true tales of Impish’s exploits , let me just say that the very fact that he took a book written by mischievous Leprechauns that we leave lying around for the gullible to pick up and follow as a sex help aid to keep the low IQ population down as real and gospel just goes to show the truthfulness behind these stories regarding him I keep revealing!

It ALSO goes a LONG way to explaining why he never seems to get any!

And now, more True Tales of the Life of Impish Dragon!

Impish ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 50 yrs. old.
Then Impish found himself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. They drank a bit (well more than a bit) they had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked him if I ever had a “Sportsman Double ?”

“What’s that?” Impish asked. “It’s a mother and daughter threesome” she said.

“Oh” Impish said as his mind began to embrace the idea. “No I haven’t.”  Impish wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.

They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink “Tonight is your lucky night.” They went back to her place. They walked in.
She turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs,” MOM YOU STILL AWAKE?

============

Impish met a girl in the park the other evening.

There was an instant spark between them and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at his feet.

As they lay making love, Impish thought “These taser guns are well worth the money”.

============
While shopping for vacation clothes, ImpishDragon & Mrs Dragon passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since Mrs Dragon had even considered buying a bathing suit, so she sought Impish’s advice.

‘What do you think?’ she asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’

‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’

He’s still in intensive care. Doctor says he should be out in a week (yeah and just long enough for Mrs Dragon to put him back in)

————————————–

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance…

Impish looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, my Mother in Law is there and God’s getting what I used to get.’

Foolishly he uttered these words within ear shot of Mrs Dragon.

They immediately buried him (some say alive) right next to his Mother in Law.

Good Morning Campers!  What a GREAT weekend for football it was!  I don’t know about you, but it was some of the most exciting play I’ve ever seen!  So, if you’re like me, you wake up Monday morning and wonder what the playoff picture looks like. And if you go to today’s Last Word, you will get that …. and a bit more. 

Anyway, interesting night at the Cavern last night.  The smallest Dragonette had a “pre-going back to school slumber party” so there were a couple of extra little girl creatures running around last night. 

The problem was that it preempted my “pre-going back to work slumber party” and I had to stash all the beer and the invitees were sent home.  Sigh….
Maybe tonight…. we’ll see.
So, let’s get to it and
Let’s Laugh!

Walruses go to Tupperware parties to find a tight seal.

An old man just had a heart transplant and was getting instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and alcohol, and advised to get at least eight hours sleep a night. “What about my sex life?” asked the old man “Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?” “Only with your wife,” said the doctor. “We don’t want you to get too excited.”

So, this is what you get when you send men to the kitchen to make cookies. 

What’s the deal with incense. It smells like somebody set fire to a clothes hamper. Gym socks and jasmine. Do we need that smell? You know what incense smells like? If flowers could fart.

Traditional Irish Sex
as translated from the Leprechaun Sex Manual

SEX IN THE IRISH TRADITION

THE PREPARATION
Friday Night is very much love-night for the Irish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Irish aphrodisiac – 12 pints Guinness, and some fish and chips, his mind set on one thing – LOVE! Or as he say’s himself “the ride”. His lust, at fever pitch, after the sensuous excitement of a hard night’s dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion – “any chance of me hole then love?” The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of Guinness or the sensuous vision of chips sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious “Would ye ever fuck off!!!”.

FOREPLAY
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male, whipping off his slightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife, that usually land skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed gyrating with one hand on his hip and the other on the back of his head, singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant “Here we go, here we go, here we go” Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on this rampant 8 incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.

INITIAL PROBLEMS
After 12 pints, sometimes the man’s old Willie Winkie is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man’s self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as “Ye useless bastard, ye” or possibly “It never happens to the Milkman”. Oral sex is a great favorite of the Irishman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, “How’d ye like to put your teeth round dis?” The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. “Go on then”, she says “but don’t disturb me”.

DOWN TO BUSINESS
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement as he moves into his position he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase “Oh fuck, I’ve shot me load.” If this does occur it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps, informing her she’s the nicest woman he’s ever come across. An imaginative lover, the Irishman, possibly having read the woman likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as “shite, arsehole”. The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as “Are you sure it’s in?”. Given his level sexual expertise the Irishman’s ideal partner should be a versatile lover
specializing in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout “Ooyah, ooyah, Big Boy”. Eventually its all over. The man rolls over, falls asleep, and commences snoring like a pig. There’s no one in the world performs quite like an Irishman – veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.

Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This  announcement followed Gordon’s decision to take advantage of President Obama’s scheme to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon’s existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon’s management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits.

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for.

At the crew’s first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon’s ex-wife in the shower.

Recent Letter To The Editor:

I saw a radical Muslim drowning in the river this morning. I alerted the authorities straight away.

Its now 6pm and nothing has happened. I’m beginning to think I’ve wasted a stamp.

Bussy

Rutherglen, NE Victoria

Leprechaun here~

You alerted the authorities? I threw mine a bag of stones ta help him float until help arrived!

If you work in a place where this is a huge concern to you…you have problems a lot worse than “Whose been drinking out of my cup?”

 

New FOX NFL Commercial Mocks TSA

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/new-fox-nfl-commercial-mocks-tsa/ 

Here’s one for my dear friend, Ariel, up in Minnesota
http://www.coolestone.com/media/1588/Take-This-Snow-And-Shovel-It/

A preacher noticed one day that, as he was preaching, a man in the
back of the auditorium was slumped over a little. Thinking he was
asleep, the preacher asked the deacon to go wake him up.

The deacon gave the man a little nudge, but he kept on sleeping. He
bumped him a little harder and the man kept on sleeping. Frustrated,
the deacon took a hymn book and smacked him in the head, knocking
the man out of his chair and on to the floor.

The deacon was shocked that the man didn’t open his eyes. Concerned,
he got down on the floor to see if the man was breathing, and the
man said, “Hit me harder, I can still hear him.”

And you wonder where and/or when kids start using foul language?  This is one example, right here.  You just know this kid is saying, “Dad!  You’re a rotten S.O.B. for giving me this!  Laugh all you want now, asshole, the next time you are changing my diaper, I’m gonna pee, right in your face.  Maybe I’ll get lucky and your mouth will be open!”

“Do you feel a breeze?  Did someone open a door?”

Here’s an oldie but goodie that I’m sure you’ll enjoy:

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, “This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.”
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn’t stand it any more; they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, “We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important.”
The police said, “It’s not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.”
“Well, who was it?”
“The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion.”

Here’s a special New Year’s wish from one of our favorite campers, Sue:

2011 Contract   After serious & cautious consideration… your contract of friendship has been renewed for the New Year 2011 It was a very hard decision to make… So try not to screw it up!!! My Wish for You in 2011 May peace break into your home and may thieves come to steal your debts. May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $100 bills. May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips! May happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy May the problems you had, forget your home address!   In simple words ………… May 2011 be the best year of   your life!!!

If this is proof that man evolved from apes, than I would say he hasn’t changed much since then, either.

From KOMO TV in Seattle.  An extra piece called “Eric’s Little Heroes”….this guy (not yet in High School) can play some ball.  Nice human interest piece that should put a smile on your face…unless you’re a Grinch or a Scrooge…..a Scrinch?  I kinda like that!  lol
http://www.komonews.com/home/video/111892554.html 

Just unbelievable! 
http://www.wimp.com/bubblemagic/

It’s important at the end of the year to collect information, and here we have year-to-date statistics on Airport Screening supplied by the Department of Homeland Security

Terrorist Plots Discovered            0

Transvestites                                  133

Hernia’s                                   1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases                        3,172

Enlarged Prostates                       8,249

Breast Implants                            59,350

Natural Blondes                           3

Today’s Last Word started out as my morning greeting, but it got so long and I got so wound up that I had to move it down here.  In the scheme of things, the Last Word has been used for mostly attacks, agendas, inequities and the such, and you might be asking yourself right now, you might say, “Self…what is it that Impish is doing, putting the NFL Playoff picture in the Last Word?  Self, that is so not like him.  What could possibly be going on?  Self?  Self, are you there?  Self?”

Now, if at this point you’ve gone off and are having a lovely tête-à-tête with yourself, then we really aren’t concerned with you anymore.  We’ve lost you.  But, for the rest of us, let’s get back to “What in the world Impish is talking about.”

If you’re like me, the first thing you want to do on Monday morning is check the playoff picture, so you go right to NFL.com and you find this great picture, so what do you do?  You steal it! 

Is it really stealing if you say where you got it from?  Or is it free advertisement when you say, “Hey, look at this way, wicked cool picture!”  Anyway….
This shows that my two favorite teams, The Colts and The Packers, made it into the playoffs!  Woo Hoo!  Nice, but here’s the big problem…  In the NFC, the Seattle Seahawks made it into the playoffs because they are in a crappy division.  They made it with a losing record of 7-9 and yet, Tampa Bay didn’t make it with a record of 10-6!
Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot? (WTF?)
I discussed this at great length with the all powerful, all knowing Strikeowl and he came up with an outstanding solution.  (You don’t go to the great Owl with many questions, only those of the gravest of importance, but if you bring the proper offering [dead mice, naked women, or strong alcoholic beverages] and are truly needy and respectful [“Yo Owl!  Wassup?]  and the moon is in the right phase, you will be gifted with an all seeing response.  Truly awe inspiring!)
Do away with the divisions and just have leagues.  16 teams, 16 games, each team gets to play the other both home and away one time per year. (With an extra game thrown in).  What a simple and elegant solution!
Are you listening National Foot Ball League?

Good Morning and Happy New Year to all you campers out there!  My dear friend LL said it best in his Dragon Laffs New Year Message, which you can read below if you haven’t already read it.    And if you haven’t already read it, why haven’t you already read it?  I know people have important things to do every day, but let’s prioritize here people!  Dragon Laffs should be the first and the last thing you check, everyday, just in case there has been some new stuff added. 
I can hear some of you saying now that, you liked it better the old way where it was delivered straight to your email box, or when the butler printed it out for you each day and hand carried it to your bed each morning with your breakfast.  I hear you, the old days were the best days!
But, you’d be wrong!  We can reach so many more people this way, do so many more things, keep you so much more informed and not have to diddle with yahoo and all the jack-wagons who work there!  Every hour we don’t have to skip-rope with yahoo is another hour we can spend on delivering you a great product. 
Now, drag your burros into the future and enjoy the many benefits that modern technology offers! 

Welcome to Dragon Laffs 2011!
Where nothing can go wrong…
go wrong…
go wrong…*

*Come on!  You have to admit that the gratuitous “West World” reference was kinda cool and it definitely dates us.  Those of us who “got-it” are probably of an age where we remember a time when man hadn’t stepped foot on the moon and a disk was also called a Frisbee and we played with it on the beach.
And to those of you who didn’t “get-it”…
…
…
I don’t know…
I got nothin’
Let’s Laugh!

 

Here’s an idea for starting a 365 day project.  The first of the year being the perfect time to do so.  Let me know if you decide to do any of these and we can share them at the end of the year, or monthly or whatever.  I’m going to try and do a picture a day one, just not sure yet what picture I am going to do, but here….read on:
http://www.makeuseof.com/tag/6-yearlong-projects-start-2011/

(Check out today’s Last Word for what I came up with…)

A couple of riddles from our Leprechaun:

ENJOY AND SHARPEN YOUR BRAIN …….

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires. The second is full of assassins with loaded guns. The third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I’m curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:

Answers:

1. The third room. Lions that haven’t eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men
should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) argued over nothing.
2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn’t drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy:

“What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class:  “Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings.  Then all excited, we all go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

“Very nice Patrick,” she said.

“Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?” “Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late.  We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings.  We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.”

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Stephen Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”

Stephen said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year…. Dad comes home from the office.  We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad’s toy factory.  When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves… And begin to sing: “What A Friend We Have In Jesus.” Then we all go to the Bahamas.”

Mr. Bud Lind was retired, but active in his community, and one of his volunteer jobs was to occasionally drive the high school band bus to different outings.

Because drivers changed often, there was a sign posted at the front of the bus that read, “Your driver is:  ______”

Bud always got a kick out of watching the reactions of new band members when they read the sign at the front of the bus stating “Your driver is: B. LIND.”

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money.
Mom said, “Sure, sweetie.  I’ll send you some money.  You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago.  Do you want me to send that up too?”
“Uh, oh yeah, OK,” responded the kid.
So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, “Well how much did you give the boy this time?
Mom said, “Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000”
“That’s $1020!!!” yelled Dad, “Are you crazy???”
“Don’t worry hon,” Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his baldhead, “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!”

1. Law of Mechanical Repair 
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity –
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability –
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

6. Variation Law –
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always
move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath  –
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

9. Law of the Result –
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

10. Law of Bio mechanics –
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces –
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument –
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

16. Brown’s  Law of Physical Appearance –
If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

17.   Law of Public Speaking –
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson’s  Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy –
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it

19. Doctors’  Law –
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

The weary holiday traveler looked in disbelief at a bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage check-in center.

Turning to the attendant, he said, “Okay, I give up. Why is the mistletoe hanging there above the luggage scale?”

The attendant said, “So you can kiss your luggage good-bye.”

“I’ve had a rough day. I put my shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.”
  – Rodney Dangerfield

How a CSI is made

“It’s him!  He’s the one who scared me!”
”Don’t worry, I’ll kick his butt!”

 

Why Some Men Have Dogs and Not Wives
   1. The later you are, the more excited your Dogs are to see you.
   2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another Dog’s name.
   3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
   4. A Dog’s Parents never visit.
   5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
   6. You never have to wait for a Dog; they are ready to go 24 hours a day.
   7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
   8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
   9. A Dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another Dog?”
  10. If a Dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
  11. A Dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
  12. If a Dog smells another Dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
  13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
If a Dog leaves, it won’t take over half of your stuff.
To test this theory:
Lock your Wife and your Dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who’s happy to see you.
Happy New Year to you! ~Kiz

A man and his wife were making their first doctor’s office visit prior to the birth of their first child.  After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink.  The couple was curious about what the stamp said, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to see what it was.
        In very tiny letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this without a needing a magnifying glass, come back and see me.”

I love this joke, it’s one of my favorites of all time:

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
‘Quick,’ said the woman to the lover, ‘into the closet!’ and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
‘Who are you?’ he asked him.
‘I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,’ said the exterminator.
‘What are you doing in there?’ the husband asked.
‘I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,’ the man replied.
‘And where are your clothes?’ asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, ‘Those little bastards!

Ann Coulter was outlining who gave how much to charity and wrote this little stand alone:
“In 2005, Vice President Cheney gave 77 percent of his income to charity. He also shot a lawyer in the face, which I think should count for something.”
(Sorry Lucille)

Thanks to Lynn for this one…and she’s right.  We need this badly at DL Enterprises and every man should own one….or we’ll never get it right!

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

Ø   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø   Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø   The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list.

Ø  If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.  (I have to remember this one)

Ø   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.  

Ø   War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Ø   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø   Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Ø   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; To steal from many is research.

Ø   Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Ø  I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Ø   A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Ø   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.

Ø   I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø   Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Ø   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø   You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Ø   The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø   Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Ø   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Ø   Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø   I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Ø  I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure. 

Ø   You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø   Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. 

Let me say first and straight up that I do NOT have plans to boor you with pictures that mean something to me, that have no meaning to you at all.  But, the pictures that I decided to do for the 365 day thing were of two different sorts.  One, is really easy and probably won’t change much, it is of my living room, centering on the bookshelves that we just put up over the holidays:

Here you have it in the organizational stage, so it will be cool to watch it change over the next couple of weeks and months, then (hopefully) not change much at all, maybe changing the pictures or the books.
The second one is going to be harder and involves getting another member of the family involved.  It is a picture of my backyard with my littlest dragonette in the picture.  I chased her out this morning, in the cold, while she was tired, still in her pajamas, and, as you can tell by the picture, not very happy with her Dad.  For those of you who think this was cruel or mean, we were only out there for about 30 seconds and she loved every minute of it.

Anyway, that’s what I decided to do…I still have the rest of the day to change my mind, add to the project or change it in some way…..and so do you!
Have a great day my friends!