Dragon Laffs #1154


Sadly, going back to work today.  While it’s been great fun, getting caught up and being able to talk to friends and stuff, I’m almost looking forward to going back to work.  Maybe I can get a little rest.
Nah, I’m kidding.
Let’s Laugh!

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This is weird…amazingly precise Ads from AT&T… in 1993!
http://www.makeuseof.com/tech-fun/amazingly-precise-predictions-from-att-in-1993/

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DragonPapa1 (87)

And a great send from one of my dearest and oldest friends:

Remember “sniglets”….words that Rich Hall used to come up with that described a feature common to many of our lives?
Like, “Lactomangulation”?   Which meant to open your milk carton on the wrong side and then realized you had to open it on the correct side, resulting in a mangled milk carton.
“Carperpetuation” was the act of running over something on the carpet with the vacuum cleaner repeatedly, hoping it would suck it up THIS time.
Well, I just came up with my own.   “Mousedirection” where you roll your mouse cursor over the thing you THOUGHT you wanted to click on only to find you clicked on the wrong thing.  And, “mouseappropriation” when you click and drag the wrong thing instead of the one you wanted. 
Other sniglets that I use include “furbling” which is the act of standing in line at the bank or DMV while surrounded by the ropes.  
Cheers,

Wheats

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A perfect cup of coffee? – Yahoo! News
http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_weekend/20101230/ts_yblog_weekend/a-perfect-cup-of-coffee

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Check out how Wilson manufactures NFL game footballs.

How Wilson manufactures NFL game footballs

By the way, pay attention to how long these folks have been working at their jobs at Wilson.

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The Priest had just finished hearing Lethal Leprechaun’s rather lengthy confession and was considering the man’s penitence.
“Are you sure you’re going to try to set aside all sin?”
“Yes, Father, I certainly am going to try.” replied Lethal contritely. “I hereby resolve to double my efforts.”
“And you’re going to attend Mass regularly my son?” the Priest went on.
“Yes, Father, I realize I have strayed.” said Lethal. “I shall both worship and confess every week.”
“And how about your debts and those you have cheated?” inquired the Priest.
“Now just a bloody minute, Father!” said the Leprechaun.
“Now you’re talking about business, not religion!”

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Why do you have a hot water heater?
Shouldn’t it be a cold water heater?

Exactly!
And why is it that we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

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Here’s another one of my favorite jokes:

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend ? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and commit my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and  if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.

“I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go upstairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her clothes and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment,then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door, stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said,”We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter.  “Welcome to the family!”

The moral of this story is this:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

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Thanks to Stephanie for this GREAT Ads!
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1Abm3q/justpaste.it/2p8

Donate32222222222

Political Incorrectness
A short lesson
by
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Political In-correctness is getting more and more attention lately… here are some examples:
 
* I live next door to an Arab couple and they have challenged me to a water fight in the back yard. So, I am writing this to kill time until the water boils.
* Can you spare just $2? Ranji is a 9 yr. old boy living in Namibia . He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day, he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty old bike with a bent wheel, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video – it’s fucking hilarious!
* I caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, “Good morning you ugly prick!” It’s yours isn’t it?
* Been to the optometrist today – he told me I was color blind. Now I’m fuckin’ worried that some of my buddies could be black. If you are, can you delete my e-mail address?
* I failed my biology exam today. I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells. Apparently, Mexicans and blacks was not the correct answer.
‘POLITICAL CORRECTNESS’ IS A DOCTRINE, FOSTERED BY A DELUSIONAL, ILLOGICAL MINORITY, AND RABIDLY PROMOTED BY AN UNSCRUPULOUS MAINSTREAM MEDIA, WHICH HOLDS FORTH THE PROPOSITION THAT IT IS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE TO PICK UP A PIECE OF SHIT BY THE CLEAN END. 

 

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Little Johnny…out of work, flat broke, wondering where his next Oreo is going to come from…

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“Mommy?  You don’t look anything like I expected!”

An American tourist asks an Irishman:

“Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the Irishman replies:
“If they fell forwards they’d still be in the fookin’ boat.”

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The Old Country Boy’s:
DID YA KNOW OR DO YA CARE?
A study of 950,000 Swedish men has shown that taller
men get a better education, a researcher said on Wednesday.

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Plumbers Crack

popemobile

previously

Groaner Zack

“My stomach has been bothering me, Doctor,” complained the patient.
“What have you been eating?” asked the doctor.
“That’s easy. I only eat pool balls.”
“Pool balls?!” said the astonished doctor. “Maybe that’s the trouble. What kind do you eat?”
“All kinds,” replied the man, “Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue ones for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner.”
“I see the problem,” said the doctor. “You haven’t been getting any greens.”
ashamed zack

I was told we were expecting two feet of snow….well, it’s here:
predicting two feet of snow

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I’m following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is…..purified? Oh wait petrified, sorry it’s not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

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A very spiritual, devout and holy priest dies and is immediately swept up to heaven. St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates, and says, “Hello, Father, we’ve been waiting for you for a long time. Welcome to Heaven! You are very well known here, and as a special reward, because you are such a spiritual and holy man, we’re going to grant you anything you wish even before you enter Heaven. What can I grant you?”

“Well,” the priest says, “I’ve always been a great admirer of the Virgin Mother. I’ve always wanted to talk to her.”

St. Peter nods his head to one side, and lo and behold who should approach the priest but the Virgin Mary!

The priest is beside is himself, and he manages to say, “Mother, I have always been a great admirer of yours, and have studied everything I could about you and followed your life as
best I could. I have studied every painting and portrait ever made of you, and I’ve noticed that you are always portrayed with a slightly sad look on your face. I have always, always wondered what it was that made you sad. Would you please tell me?”

“Honestly?” she asked, with a little pained grimace on her face. “Well…. I was really hoping for a girl.”

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This one is from one of our Alaskan Campers…Bob

Do you like maps? 
Pretty cool:
http://www.euratlas.net/history/europe/index.html
Or
, an animated gif moving through the years:
http://i.min.us/id3EVu.gif

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This has been sent to me by several different people.  Thank you to each and every one.

From a pissed off gentleman  in Montana who, like many of  us,  has just about had enough. He has called down Senator Alan Simpson!  This should be sent to every career politician in office! There isn’t an insincere or inaccurate word here.
  

Hey Alan,
   Let’s get a few things straight…
   1.      As a career politician, you have been on the public dole for FIFTY YEARS…
   2.      I have been paying Social Security taxes for 48 YEARS (since I was 15 years old. I am now 63)…
   3.      My Social Security payments, and those of millions of other Americans, were safely tucked away in an interest bearing account for decades until you political pukes decided to raid the account and give OUR money to a bunch of zero ambition losers in return for votes, thus bankrupting the system and turning Social Security into a Ponzi scheme that would have made Bernie Madoff proud…
   4.      Recently, just like Lucy & Charlie Brown, you and your ilk pulled the proverbial football away from millions of American seniors nearing retirement and moved the goalposts for full retirement from age 65 to age 67. NOW, you and your shill commission is proposing to move the goalposts YET AGAIN…
   5.      I, and millions of other Americans, have been paying into Medicare from Day One, and now you morons propose to change the rules of the game. Why? Because you idiots mismanaged other parts of the economy to such an extent that you need to steal money from Medicare to pay the bills…
   6.      I, and millions of other Americans, have been paying income taxes our entire lives, and now you propose to increase our taxes yet again. Why? Because you incompetent bastards spent our money so profligately that you just kept on spending even after you ran out of money. Now, you come to the American taxpayers and say you need more to pay of YOUR debt…
   To add insult to injury, you label us “greedy” for calling “bullshit” on your incompetence. Well, Captain Bullshit, I have a few questions for YOU…
   1.      How much money have you earned from the American taxpayers during your pathetic 50-year political career?
   2.      At what age did you retire from your pathetic political career, and how much are you receiving in annual retirement benefits from the American taxpayers?
   3.      How much do you pay for YOUR government provided health insurance?
   4.      What cuts in YOUR retirement and health care benefits are you proposing in your disgusting deficit reduction proposal, or, as usual, have you exempted yourself and your political cronies?
   It is you, Captain Bullshit, and your political co-conspirators who are “greedy”. It is you and they who have bankrupted America and stolen the American dream from millions of loyal, patriotic taxpayers. And for what? Votes. That’s right, sir. You and yours have bankrupted America for the sole purpose of advancing your pathetic political careers. You know it, we know it, and you know that we know it.
   And you can take that to the bank, you miserable son of a bitch.

And there’s more; check NOW and AARP’s read… (click below).

http://www.aarp.org/work/social-security/info-09-2010/simpsons_social_security_outburst_may_upend_fiscal_commission_.html?CMP=KNC-360I-GOOGLE-WOR-SOC&HBX_PK=alan_simpson&utm_source=Google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=alan%2Bsimpson&utm_campaign=G_Work&360cid=SI_166879880_6659203141_1

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