Good Morning and Happy New Year to all you campers out there! My dear friend LL said it best in his Dragon Laffs New Year Message, which you can read below if you haven’t already read it. And if you haven’t already read it, why haven’t you already read it? I know people have important things to do every day, but let’s prioritize here people! Dragon Laffs should be the first and the last thing you check, everyday, just in case there has been some new stuff added.
I can hear some of you saying now that, you liked it better the old way where it was delivered straight to your email box, or when the butler printed it out for you each day and hand carried it to your bed each morning with your breakfast. I hear you, the old days were the best days!
But, you’d be wrong! We can reach so many more people this way, do so many more things, keep you so much more informed and not have to diddle with yahoo and all the jack-wagons who work there! Every hour we don’t have to skip-rope with yahoo is another hour we can spend on delivering you a great product.
Now, drag your burros into the future and enjoy the many benefits that modern technology offers!
Welcome to Dragon Laffs 2011!
Where nothing can go wrong…
*Come on! You have to admit that the gratuitous “West World” reference was kinda cool and it definitely dates us. Those of us who “got-it” are probably of an age where we remember a time when man hadn’t stepped foot on the moon and a disk was also called a Frisbee and we played with it on the beach.
And to those of you who didn’t “get-it”…
I don’t know…
I got nothin’
Here’s an idea for starting a 365 day project. The first of the year being the perfect time to do so. Let me know if you decide to do any of these and we can share them at the end of the year, or monthly or whatever. I’m going to try and do a picture a day one, just not sure yet what picture I am going to do, but here….read on:
(Check out today’s Last Word for what I came up with…)
A couple of riddles from our Leprechaun:
ENJOY AND SHARPEN YOUR BRAIN …….
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires. The second is full of assassins with loaded guns. The third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I’m curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!
THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
1. The third room. Lions that haven’t eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men
should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) argued over nothing.
2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn’t drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy:
“What do you do at Christmas time?
Patrick addressed the class: “Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we all go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.
“Very nice Patrick,” she said.
“Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?” “Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.”
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Stephen Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”
Stephen said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year…. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves… And begin to sing: “What A Friend We Have In Jesus.” Then we all go to the Bahamas.”
Mr. Bud Lind was retired, but active in his community, and one of his volunteer jobs was to occasionally drive the high school band bus to different outings.
Because drivers changed often, there was a sign posted at the front of the bus that read, “Your driver is: ______”
Bud always got a kick out of watching the reactions of new band members when they read the sign at the front of the bus stating “Your driver is: B. LIND.”
A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money.
Mom said, “Sure, sweetie. I’ll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?”
“Uh, oh yeah, OK,” responded the kid.
So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, “Well how much did you give the boy this time?
Mom said, “Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000”
“That’s $1020!!!” yelled Dad, “Are you crazy???”
“Don’t worry hon,” Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his baldhead, “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!”
1. Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity –
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability –
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
6. Variation Law –
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always
move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath –
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
9. Law of the Result –
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
10. Law of Bio mechanics –
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces –
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument –
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance –
If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
17. Law of Public Speaking –
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy –
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it
19. Doctors’ Law –
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.
The weary holiday traveler looked in disbelief at a bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage check-in center.
Turning to the attendant, he said, “Okay, I give up. Why is the mistletoe hanging there above the luggage scale?”
The attendant said, “So you can kiss your luggage good-bye.”
“I’ve had a rough day. I put my shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
Why Some Men Have Dogs and Not Wives
1. The later you are, the more excited your Dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another Dog’s name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A Dog’s Parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a Dog; they are ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A Dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another Dog?”
10. If a Dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A Dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a Dog smells another Dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
If a Dog leaves, it won’t take over half of your stuff.
To test this theory:
Lock your Wife and your Dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who’s happy to see you.
Happy New Year to you! ~Kiz
A man and his wife were making their first doctor’s office visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp said, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this without a needing a magnifying glass, come back and see me.”
I love this joke, it’s one of my favorites of all time:
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
‘Quick,’ said the woman to the lover, ‘into the closet!’ and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
‘Who are you?’ he asked him.
‘I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,’ said the exterminator.
‘What are you doing in there?’ the husband asked.
‘I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,’ the man replied.
‘And where are your clothes?’ asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, ‘Those little bastards!
Ann Coulter was outlining who gave how much to charity and wrote this little stand alone:
“In 2005, Vice President Cheney gave 77 percent of his income to charity. He also shot a lawyer in the face, which I think should count for something.”
Thanks to Lynn for this one…and she’s right. We need this badly at DL Enterprises and every man should own one….or we’ll never get it right!
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.
Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Ø Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list.
Ø If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong. (I have to remember this one)
Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Ø War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Ø Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; To steal from many is research.
Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.
Ø I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Ø Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
Ø You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
Ø Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Let me say first and straight up that I do NOT have plans to boor you with pictures that mean something to me, that have no meaning to you at all. But, the pictures that I decided to do for the 365 day thing were of two different sorts. One, is really easy and probably won’t change much, it is of my living room, centering on the bookshelves that we just put up over the holidays:
Here you have it in the organizational stage, so it will be cool to watch it change over the next couple of weeks and months, then (hopefully) not change much at all, maybe changing the pictures or the books.
The second one is going to be harder and involves getting another member of the family involved. It is a picture of my backyard with my littlest dragonette in the picture. I chased her out this morning, in the cold, while she was tired, still in her pajamas, and, as you can tell by the picture, not very happy with her Dad. For those of you who think this was cruel or mean, we were only out there for about 30 seconds and she loved every minute of it.
Anyway, that’s what I decided to do…I still have the rest of the day to change my mind, add to the project or change it in some way…..and so do you!
Have a great day my friends!