Dragon Laffs

Leprechaun here~

Very soon we’ll be shutting down here at DragonLaffs Corporate to observe New Year’s celebrations with our respective families.

Not all cultures celebrate Christmas but almost everyone celebrates the end of year and/or the beginning of a new one. It is a reflective time; a time to look back on the year, a time to count our blessings.

The last year has been a wonderful year for the DragonLaffs Group.  It’s seen my addition to the staff as a co-owner and full-time contributor, We weathered Impish’s loss of his computer and thru your generous help got him a new one. It saw our first annual ‘Hey the Dragon is away lets party in the Dragon Cave!’ membership appreciation virtual party and finally but not least of all the successful launch of the DragonLaffs blog .

These may be small achievements for a non-commercial humor ezine but for a  non-commercial humor ezine with no paid staff, no offices and no assets ( verifiable on paper that is) it is remarkable. We launched a blog with little oe no fan fare that in roughly 2 months of non advertisement has generated nearly 25,000 hits and over 1000 on our busiest day!

This has been achieved  because of the generosity,  and dedication you dear readers. Without your support there would be no DragonLaffs Particular thanks to those who donated to the ‘Get the Dragon a Computer Fund; your financial generosity has literally kept us going.

The fact that we have managed to survive and grow means that we can continue to tell  people about the wonderful array of adult humor and social commentary that is the heart and soul  of DragonLaffs.

The next year beckons; new challenges await. From my heart on behalf of both Impish Dragon and myself I thank you all for your generous support.

Finally to all our friends and followers who have sent us ‘best wishes’,  ‘chain letters’, ‘angel letters’ or any other forms of empty promises for luck and good fortune, sadly we must inform you …NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED!

So please in 2011 send Cash, Irish Whiskey, smoked meats, cigars (preferably Cubans) Italian food, bottles of wine, 12 packs of imported beer or free first class airline tickets to the destination of our choice. Thank You for your anticipated co-operation!

From Impish Dragon, Lethal Leprechaun and our respective families to you and yours.

Good Morning Campers!

I hope everyone is doing well.  Seems as though we are now through with the earthquake…at least for now.  It’s been 24 hours plus since the quake hit yesterday and there have been no aftershocks.  This may still be a precursor to something worse, but if so, the odds go down after 24 hours and just about even out after 48.  Although my dog is still acting stupid, it could just be that she is still freaked out over yesterday and not that something is still going to happen.  But, I will keep you in the loop.

I want to tell you about the greatest gift I’ve ever gotten….okay, so the greatest gift I’ve ever gotten from Santa.  I’ve been given better gifts, but they have been from real people.  Anyway, this is a Hamilton Beach Brew Station.  And just as they advertise, the last cup, 4 hours after the pot has been made, is as good as the first, fresh cup.  It is truly amazing!  And I’m not trying to sell any of these things or anything like that, but if you are a coffee lover, like we are here at Dragon Laffs then this comes highly recommended.  Santa brought mine, so I can’t give you any idea of pricing or anything, but Amazon.com has them for about $50.  Now, if you’re like me, you bought the lousy Dollar General $10 coffee pots because your water is so crappy you end up throwing them out when they get to the point that it takes to the afternoon before the coffee is actually done.  Well, if you got a new one every couple of months, this one pays for itself in less than a year.
But that’s just me.

What do you say we go ahead and laugh now?  Sound good to you?  Yeah, I thought so.

This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour shift and collapses into bed. He’s just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says, “What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?”

He replied, “Don’t worry honey, I’d stay faithful.”

During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine gun sprayed bullets.  He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had 260º.

“But, sergeant, all circles have 360º to them,” remarked one of the trainees.

“Don’t be stupid,” the sergeant roared.  “This is a small circle!”

“So,” jealous Judy asked the detective she had hired, “did you trail my husband?”

“Yes ma’am. I did. I followed him to a bar, then to a restaurant and then to a house.”

A big smile crossed Judy’s face,”Aha!! Then I’ve got him!” she said, gloating.” Is there any doubt what he was doing?”

“No ma’am.” replied the sleuth, “It’s pretty clear that he was following you and taking pictures of you and this other man having sex. By the way, nude pictures of you are all over the Internet.”

A single girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons. 

When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and announced, “It’s a boy, six feet tall and 190 pounds!”

A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his un-aroused body for the first time to his bride. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, “What’s that?” pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, “Well, that’s what we had so much fun with last night.”

And she, in amazement, asked, “Is that all we have left?”

Sister Margaret had been a Nun all her life. Then she was called to her reward. As she approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, “Hold on, Sister Margaret; not so fast!”

“But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord from the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the Convent to my dying breath. I have lived for this moment!” Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.

“That is just the problem,” replied St. Peter. “You never learned right from wrong and, to get into Heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong.

“Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into Heaven!”  Sister Margaret pleaded.

“I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then,” ordered St. Peter.

Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. “Saint Peter” she gasped, “I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up.”

“Good!” replied the old Saint. “Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me when you are ready.”

Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after having several belts of Jack Daniel’s. “Saint Peter…….I feel woozy. That vile liquor burned my throat and nauseated me. It is all I can do to keep it down.”

“Good, good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong,” said St. Peter with delight. “Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense. You know, Have sex with him and afterward, call me.”

Two weeks passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message: “Yo, Pete, It’s Peggy………It’s gonna be a while!”

Amen!  I’m 52 years old and have been paying into Social Security for 36 years.  Don’t even THINK about telling me there isn’t anything there when I retire!

An out-of-towner becomes friendly with Thelma, the waitress in his hotel coffee shop, and invites her up to his room.

She is indignant.

The guy says, “Don’t get excited. This is all in the Bible.”

Thelma is appeased, and after her shift they go out and have a few drinks. Again the man invites her up to his room, and again she is angry.

The man explains, “It’s in the Bible.”

An hour later they’re in the guy’s hotel room and he suggests they undress and have some fun. He assures Thelma that it isn’t sinful since it’s in the Bible.

“Where?” she says. “Where does it say that?”

Taking the Bible from the hotel nightstand, he opens it to the front cover where someone has written, “Thelma the waitress is a great lay.”

A bloke and his wife went to a family planning clinic.  “We’ve been married for ten years and we’ve got no kids,” said the husband.

‘And the next-door neighbors say it’s because we’re stupid.’

“Nonsense,” smiled the doctor.  “It’s probably to do with your diet. Or it might be a question of timing.  How many times a week do you do it?”

“Do what?” asked the wife.

There was a young fellow named Simon,

Who tried to discover a hymen.

But he found every girl

Had relinquished her pearl

In exchange for a solitaire diamond.

 

There was a young lady from Wheeling

Who professed to no sexual feeling.

‘Til a cynic named Boris

Just touched her clitoris,

And she had to be scraped off the ceiling!

 

A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating rapidly. The doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce excitement, guilt and so on into the process. He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan.

“Well,” he says to the doctor a week later, “I did everything you suggested. The boss let me leave work an hour early. I sped home and I skidded all the way up the driveway. I slammed open the door, charged into the house and found Sheila in the living room. I stripped her naked and we went to it on the coffee table.”

“And did you enjoy it?” asked the doctor enthusiastically.

“Well,” says the guy slowly and thoughtfully, “Somewhat, but the Bible study group thought it  was really neat.”

I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet, which had a “Tested to British Safety Standards” sign on it. Underneath someone had scrawled: “So was the Titanic.”

You gotta love this guy!  He’s 102 years old when he does this.  May I look as good at 102 as he does!
http://wins.failblog.org/2010/12/13/epic-win-videos-dum-spelling-win/

Hey all you campers…here’s 16 steps to building a successful campfire, by our own expert camper, K²

1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand).
6. Light Match.
7. Light Match.
8. Repeat “a Scout is cheerful” and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled “kerosene.”
13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
14. Re-label can to read “gasoline.”
15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps 1-15. 

Two friends were at a bar discussing life and love. One said, “Would you believe that out of all the women I’ve been with not a one of them was a virgin? It’d be nice if girls saved themselves for marriage. I think it would cure a big part of the huge divorce crisis we have.”
“Yeah, Jim, I hear you,” said the other. “Out of all the women I’ve been with I’ve only had two virgins myself; my wife and yours.”

Sent in by the esteemed Mr. Lethal Leprechaun.  He made me promise I would print the next story he sent in and then sends in a story about me.  Nice guy:

Impish was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always, the preacher was standing at the front door shaking hands as the congregation departed.  He grabbed Impish by the arm and pulled him aside.  Then the preacher said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord.”

Impish replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher.”

The Preacher questioned Impish, “Well then why don’t I ever see you except on Christmas and Easter?”

Impish leaned in and whispered back, “I’m in the Secret Service.”

I just got off the phone with a shivering Impish Dragon.

He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist-high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing.

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Good Morning!  A small earthquake was felt at Dragon Laffs Enterprises North.  First reports were of a magnitude 4.2, which has since, in one report, been downgraded to a 3.8.  Dragon Laffs Enterprises North (DLEN) has reported some minor shaking, loud rumbling, but no damage or injury at this time.  The Epicenter (as indicated by the green arrow behind the orange balloon to the south of the map above) was about 22 miles southeast of DLEN (as indicated by the red X at the north of the map).  In an interview with a loyal camper (the orange balloon) earlier, we learned that at that point he felt some strong shaking, rattling of glass and small objects knocked over. 

The concern is of the New Madrid Fault cutting loose.  (Seen in the map to the right)  A major earthquake at this fault, the closest to the location of the current earthquake, would be devastating to the country. 

Anyway, as of this time, all seems well.  I’ll keep you updated as much as I can.

Now, on to the rest of your day!  Look for another issue of Dragon Laffs soon!

Cheers!

So, you can either take this as being very late for Wednesday or very early for Thursday.  I don’t suppose it matters that much.  I am enjoying my time off (as you can probably tell from the lack of Dragon Laffs coming out) but I am also running very low on material.  I have lots and lots of pictures and cartoons, but jokes are becoming very rare.  You can submit jokes, articles, cartoons, pictures, etc at this address:
DragonLaffs-owner@yahoogroups.com
Remember the guidelines.
#1 It has to be funny, or poignant, or topical or important
#2 It has to either be new (to us) or a golden oldie
#3 If it’s commentary (yours or someone else’s) it has to be well written and not just finger-pointing and name calling.
And that’s about it!  If you want to share it, then send it in.  If we don’t use it, don’t feel bad; it may just not fit in, we may have already run it or something similar or it may just not be our cup-of-tea.  Sometimes we give credit for a piece and sometimes we don’t, believe it or not, it is a matter of convenience and storage more than anything else.  We don’t usually give credit for pictures because we are so far ahead they are stored numerically until we use them and it’s hard to remember who sent in what.  If you have something for the Last Word we almost always give credit for that.
If you simply have to have credit given for a certain piece, please let us know and we will do what we can, but if it’s too much of a pain-in-the-arse we may just decide not to use it.
Also, please don’t claim something is yours when it isn’t. 

That’s it for now, let’s go laugh!

Tests of the English Majors
I got 10 out of 12 or 83%.  So, what is that, a B? Sheesh!

Attempt to translate these verbose and hyperbolic presentments of catholic usage into more simplistic linguistics for universal comprehension—

1. Scintillate, Scintillate, asteroid exiguous.
2. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
3. Surveillance should precede salutations.
4. Pulchritude poses possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid.
6. Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
7. The stylus is more potent then the claymore.
8. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.
9. Eschew the implement of correction of vitiate the scion.
10. The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not does reach 212 F’.
11. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
12. Where there are visible vapors in ignited carbonaceous material, there is conflagration.

The Answers are below

Answers to the English Major Quiz

Answers:

1. Twinkle, twinkle, little star.
2. Birds of a feather, flock together.
3. Think before you speak.
4. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
5. Don’t cry over spilled milk.
6. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
7. The pen is mightier than the sword.
8. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
9. Spare the rod and spoil the child.
10. A watched pot doesn’t boil.
11. All that glitters is not gold.
12. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.

What an excellent idea!
Truly, you could spend a lot of time here!
http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Uncyclopedia:About

 

New Year’s Cats Singing
http://llerrah.com/newyearcats.htm 

 

Oh good lord, now Stephanie is getting in on the Groaners!  Will it never end!

Q.  What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with an Atheist?

A.  Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

Gives us just another reason to be proud to be a Veteran! Thanks for sharing this one, Dad!

A Great Golf Story
To my golfing friends, Hope you take the time to watch this video and especially this time of year reflect on what we have and what many have given for us.

The next time you carve a tee shot out of bounds, miss a 3 foot birdie putt, chunk your second shot into a water hazard, 3 putt a green, chili-dip a flop shot into a bunker or skull a wedge 20 yards over a green – kind of like my normal round…. I think we might  want to take a deep breath and thank God we have what we have.

 

If you keep watching, it goes through a bunch of them with the same characters:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XChgJoQz8pY&list=PLAE907EE915CF720E&index=33&playnext=2

 

“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, “Why, God? Why me?” and the thundering voice
of God answered, “There’s just something about you that pisses me off.”

 

One of the way cool things in my line of work is the pictures that I get sent and get to deal with.  Some of these storms are so fantastic, it’s impossible to imagine the forces and power involved.  As many of you know, one of my personal goals in life is to photograph a tornado, my little brother has worked as a storm chaser and I envy him a lot because of that.  I will let you guys know if I ever achieve that goal, but in the meantime, I generally carry a camera with me wherever I go since you never know when you are going to see something worth taking a picture of.

Today’s Last Word is from our dear camper friend George.  He hits it pretty well on the head here with something that we here at DL Enterprises have been saying for some time now.  Please take a minute to read this and think about what is being said: