Good Morning Campers! What a GREAT weekend for football it was! I don’t know about you, but it was some of the most exciting play I’ve ever seen! So, if you’re like me, you wake up Monday morning and wonder what the playoff picture looks like. And if you go to today’s Last Word, you will get that …. and a bit more.
Anyway, interesting night at the Cavern last night. The smallest Dragonette had a “pre-going back to school slumber party” so there were a couple of extra little girl creatures running around last night.
The problem was that it preempted my “pre-going back to work slumber party” and I had to stash all the beer and the invitees were sent home. Sigh….
Maybe tonight…. we’ll see.
So, let’s get to it and
Walruses go to Tupperware parties to find a tight seal.
An old man just had a heart transplant and was getting instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and alcohol, and advised to get at least eight hours sleep a night. “What about my sex life?” asked the old man “Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?” “Only with your wife,” said the doctor. “We don’t want you to get too excited.”
What’s the deal with incense. It smells like somebody set fire to a clothes hamper. Gym socks and jasmine. Do we need that smell? You know what incense smells like? If flowers could fart.
Traditional Irish Sex
as translated from the Leprechaun Sex Manual
SEX IN THE IRISH TRADITION
Friday Night is very much love-night for the Irish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Irish aphrodisiac – 12 pints Guinness, and some fish and chips, his mind set on one thing – LOVE! Or as he say’s himself “the ride”. His lust, at fever pitch, after the sensuous excitement of a hard night’s dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion – “any chance of me hole then love?” The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of Guinness or the sensuous vision of chips sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious “Would ye ever fuck off!!!”.
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male, whipping off his slightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife, that usually land skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed gyrating with one hand on his hip and the other on the back of his head, singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant “Here we go, here we go, here we go” Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on this rampant 8 incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.
After 12 pints, sometimes the man’s old Willie Winkie is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man’s self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as “Ye useless bastard, ye” or possibly “It never happens to the Milkman”. Oral sex is a great favorite of the Irishman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, “How’d ye like to put your teeth round dis?” The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. “Go on then”, she says “but don’t disturb me”.
DOWN TO BUSINESS
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement as he moves into his position he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase “Oh fuck, I’ve shot me load.” If this does occur it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps, informing her she’s the nicest woman he’s ever come across. An imaginative lover, the Irishman, possibly having read the woman likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as “shite, arsehole”. The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as “Are you sure it’s in?”. Given his level sexual expertise the Irishman’s ideal partner should be a versatile lover
specializing in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout “Ooyah, ooyah, Big Boy”. Eventually its all over. The man rolls over, falls asleep, and commences snoring like a pig. There’s no one in the world performs quite like an Irishman – veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.
Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon’s decision to take advantage of President Obama’s scheme to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon’s existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon’s management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits.
However, Gordon got more than he bargained for.
At the crew’s first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon’s ex-wife in the shower.
Recent Letter To The Editor:
I saw a radical Muslim drowning in the river this morning. I alerted the authorities straight away.
Its now 6pm and nothing has happened. I’m beginning to think I’ve wasted a stamp.
Rutherglen, NE Victoria
You alerted the authorities? I threw mine a bag of stones ta help him float until help arrived!
New FOX NFL Commercial Mocks TSA
Here’s one for my dear friend, Ariel, up in Minnesota
A preacher noticed one day that, as he was preaching, a man in the
back of the auditorium was slumped over a little. Thinking he was
asleep, the preacher asked the deacon to go wake him up.
The deacon gave the man a little nudge, but he kept on sleeping. He
bumped him a little harder and the man kept on sleeping. Frustrated,
the deacon took a hymn book and smacked him in the head, knocking
the man out of his chair and on to the floor.
The deacon was shocked that the man didn’t open his eyes. Concerned,
he got down on the floor to see if the man was breathing, and the
man said, “Hit me harder, I can still hear him.”
And you wonder where and/or when kids start using foul language? This is one example, right here. You just know this kid is saying, “Dad! You’re a rotten S.O.B. for giving me this! Laugh all you want now, asshole, the next time you are changing my diaper, I’m gonna pee, right in your face. Maybe I’ll get lucky and your mouth will be open!”
“Hi,” replied the little girl.
“Where are you going?” asked the little boy.
“I’ve been to church this morning and I’m on my way home,” answered the little girl.
“Me, too,” replied the little boy. “I’m also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?”
“I go to the Baptist church back down the road,” replied the little girl. “What about you?”
“I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill,” replied the little boy.
They discover they are both going the same way so they decided that they’d walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way they could get across to the other side without getting wet. “If I get my new Sunday dress wet, Mom’s going to skin me alive,” said the little girl.
“My Mom’ll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet,” replied the little boy.
“I tell you what I think I’ll do,” said the little girl. “I’m gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.”
“That’s a good idea,” replied the little boy. “I’ll do the same thing with my suit.”
So they both undressed and waded across to the
other side without getting their clothes wet. They were
standing there in the sun, waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on. The little boy finally remarked, “You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Southern Baptist and a Roman Catholic!”
Here’s an oldie but goodie that I’m sure you’ll enjoy:
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, “This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.”
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn’t stand it any more; they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, “We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important.”
The police said, “It’s not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.”
“Well, who was it?”
“The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion.”
Here’s a special New Year’s wish from one of our favorite campers, Sue:
After serious & cautious consideration… your contract of friendship has been renewed for the New Year 2011 It was a very hard decision to make… So try not to screw it up!!!
My Wish for You in 2011
May peace break into your home and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $100 bills.
May 2011 be the best year of
From KOMO TV in Seattle. An extra piece called “Eric’s Little Heroes”….this guy (not yet in High School) can play some ball. Nice human interest piece that should put a smile on your face…unless you’re a Grinch or a Scrooge…..a Scrinch? I kinda like that! lol
It’s important at the end of the year to collect information, and here we have year-to-date statistics on Airport Screening supplied by the Department of Homeland Security
Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
Today’s Last Word started out as my morning greeting, but it got so long and I got so wound up that I had to move it down here. In the scheme of things, the Last Word has been used for mostly attacks, agendas, inequities and the such, and you might be asking yourself right now, you might say, “Self…what is it that Impish is doing, putting the NFL Playoff picture in the Last Word? Self, that is so not like him. What could possibly be going on? Self? Self, are you there? Self?”
Now, if at this point you’ve gone off and are having a lovely tête-à-tête with yourself, then we really aren’t concerned with you anymore. We’ve lost you. But, for the rest of us, let’s get back to “What in the world Impish is talking about.”
If you’re like me, the first thing you want to do on Monday morning is check the playoff picture, so you go right to NFL.com and you find this great picture, so what do you do? You steal it!
Is it really stealing if you say where you got it from? Or is it free advertisement when you say, “Hey, look at this way, wicked cool picture!” Anyway….
This shows that my two favorite teams, The Colts and The Packers, made it into the playoffs! Woo Hoo! Nice, but here’s the big problem… In the NFC, the Seattle Seahawks made it into the playoffs because they are in a crappy division. They made it with a losing record of 7-9 and yet, Tampa Bay didn’t make it with a record of 10-6!
Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot? (WTF?)
I discussed this at great length with the all powerful, all knowing Strikeowl and he came up with an outstanding solution. (You don’t go to the great Owl with many questions, only those of the gravest of importance, but if you bring the proper offering [dead mice, naked women, or strong alcoholic beverages] and are truly needy and respectful [“Yo Owl! Wassup?] and the moon is in the right phase, you will be gifted with an all seeing response. Truly awe inspiring!)
Do away with the divisions and just have leagues. 16 teams, 16 games, each team gets to play the other both home and away one time per year. (With an extra game thrown in). What a simple and elegant solution!
Are you listening National Foot Ball League?