Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Readers! Leprechaun here once again~

I’m thinking when Leprechaun Laffs hits issue # 12 I should hold out for my own banner where I get the top banana spot!

Seems this morning finds the Dragon yet again under the weather abet THIS time literally. Snow fell on the Dragon aerie last night follow by a health dose of ice and freezing rain from what I gathered from his tersely grumbled comments. This resulted in of course closed schools and his being called in to man the Emergency Operations Center much early than his normally scheduled (nearly obscene to you civilian types) time. Since all I was confronted with this morning was the possibility of an impending migraine and a balky heating system (a minor problem quickly discovered and rectified with a screwdriver and 2 AA batteries) I graciously told him I would handle the situation again. When so informed the dragon ever quick and eloquent in his thanks grunted and ran off to discover the culprit behind to empty coffee pots in the Command Center, dunk him in water and bury him up to his neck in a snow bank as an example.

SO…left to our own devices let’s see how much humor we can get in to!

It’s always a good idea to start any major undertaking off with a prayer (or so I am reliably informed) This one comes from our good friend and loyal reader K-Squared:

Lord,

My prayer for 2011 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.

Please don’t mix these up like you did last year.

AMEN.

Impish asks this very question constantly!

SPEAKING of our not present favorite Dragon, yesterday he called me while in route to return some ancient computer hardware that had been replace to whatever an acronym the Air Force assigns to the storage area for antique technology. Seems that in addition to new computers the Dragon had scored a new and well padded chair for his office. I mentioned being interested in a photo of his office which he proudly sent me when he returned to it (fortunately before he sat down). I thought I should share that picture with you all so here it is:

Yup that sure is one heck of a padded seat! Can’t say much for his interior decorating skills however.

Should children witness childbirth? Good question. Here’s your answer.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could See while he helped deliver the baby… Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed And pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, ‘He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place…..smack his ass again!’

Oddest Stories of 2010 Part 7

The man who fled hospital to avoid having his penis amputated after 27 hours erect

 

 

In May 2010, a man tried to escape from a hospital in the Dominican Republic where he had been hospitalized for priapism, a condition characterized by a prolonged and painful erection not associated with sexual desire after learning that doctors planned to amputate his penis because he may have gangrene.
Luis Rodríguez Taveras, 45, had been admitted more than three weeks in a hospital north of the Dominican Republic because of this problem, which was caused by eating a lot of sexual stimulants. In statements given to local journalists later, Rodriguez declared that he had ingested drugs. Rodríguez Taveras said he warned his wife not to sign the document authorizing the operation because “I could not live without my penis.” He argued that the erection began to subside gradually after treatment provided by an urologist at another hospital, who was defined as a good doctor and “very human.” (Link)

Remind me never to get an erection in the Dominican Republic much less go the the hospital! Sounds like they practice Obammacare there!

That’s our program for today folks! Tune in tomorrow to see if Impish can dig himself out of all that snow  or if I get my personal Leprechaun Laffs banner. Find out if Impish remembers how to publish an issue of DL or if Lassie can rescue that brat Timmy from the well!

Good Morning Campers.  Today’s issue of Dragon Laffs is about ready to go.  The problem is that we had an ice storm last night and I need to get right into work, and since my cell phone died last night, no alarm this morning, I’m already over two hours late. 

I’ll send out today’s issue when I get home tonight.

Cheers!

Leprechaun here folks~

By way of Introductory remarks and explanation as to why this is an issue of Leprechaun Laffs as opposed to a standard issue of Dragon Laffs let me post this behind the scenes at DL Corporate conversation between meself and our illustrious Dragon who’s luster was apparently quite dim and tarnished this morning, As usual I appear in green and him in blue:

LL: Since you apparently over did it lording the fact you had yesterday off  over all of us and were in no condition to do a Dragon Laffs this morning I will rescue you yet again and do a Leprechaun Laffs issue.

ID: (with much grumbling and groaning) I almost got one done this morning.

LL:  I keep telling you…Almost only counts in the games Horseshoes or Washers, hand grenades, artillery barrages and WMDs!
I’m sure the readers are almost laughing at your almost issue too.

ID: Very nice. I really don’t deserve an Administrator and Friend and good as you. I really SHOULD pay you more.

LL: Well on both of those accounts at least we agree.

And now…Let’s Get Our Laugh On!

10 Thoughts

Number 10. Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.  If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich . (better yet a NY Strip steak with mushrooms, onions and peppers in a red wine reduction, a fully loaded baked potato and a salad!)
Number 7. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.  Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
Number 6. Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather.  It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2. In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Number 1. Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers–what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
– – – and, as someone recently said to me: “Don’t worry about old age–it doesn’t last!

Building on the #1 from our list of 10 thoughts…..

Bellamy Brothers – Jalapeno Video …….

This song/video is causing a major upset in the US.  People (politicians) are wanting it banned.

The Bellamy’s are on a bus tour right now in the states and are singing this on every stop & are getting ready to go overseas.

This has caused quite the uprising.  It’s even been said that it should be banned in the US and that if the Bellamy’s leave the US , they should not be allowed back. Plus people (politicians) are saying it offends them – guess the truth hurts!  Radio stations all over are playing this song & telling people to go to You Tube for the video.

Personally, I think its hilarious! Looks to me like it’s getting great reviews!  Go Bellamys!  Good Job!

Turn the sound Up:

Jalapeno

Oddest Stories of 2010 Part 6

The thief who tried to steal from a museum wearing an elaborate camouflaged “ghillie suit”

Gregory Liascos might have been an invisible man, but he still had an ill-conceived plan. According to police in Oregon, the 36-year-old suspect wore an elaborate camouflaged “ghillie suit” before attempting to break through the wall of a rock and mineral museum over the course of several nights in October in an attempt to snatch the museum’s quarter-million-dollar gold collection. Museum staff alerted police after spotting a half-chiseled hole that the Moss Man had allegedly carved into a bathroom wall, and though his grassy outfit was hard to spot, police dog had no trouble sniffing out the suspect. The animal found a large piece of ground interesting. The dog bit – the ground screamed. (Link)

Good thing he didn’t use a fire hydrant disguise! That would have been a  real pisser!

Here’s a handing little printable reference chart of all you men out there:

A True and Cautionary Tale Regarding Leprechauns

Little Lethal Leprechaun, a fifth grade student had a penis so large, his parents warned him not to have anything to do with girls.

They cautioned him he could easily kill someone.

Through the grapevine, his teacher learned about
his unusual size, and keeping him after school, suggested
they have sex.

Little Lethal Leprechaun refused, though greatly tempted, expressing concern he might kill her.

She laughs and scoffs at the idea and says she will elect to be on top, in complete control, so nothing bad can happen.

He reluctantly agreed but the teacher experiences such wonderful sensations, she faints from pure joy.

Thinking he’s killed her, Lethal runs from the class room sobbing and crying, “Oh bloody hell!… I killed her! I killed her!”

All at once he stops dead in his tracks, and look of dawning
comprehension appears on his face as he says, “Wait just a minute!  I didn’t kill her. She committed suicide!”

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

I seem to be doing quite well judging from comment I received with my “a picture is worth a thousand words” Last Word philosophy of late so we’ll try it again today/ This one is SO good I don’t think I need to say anything at all after it.

That’s All For Today Folks!

Good morning campers!  What a wonderful Monday morning it is!  Coffee is hot and steamy, house is quiet, can have a very relaxing ….
what?
What do you mean, you have to work?
Ohhhhhhhhhhh…….
it’s only a FEDERAL holiday?
Really?
I’m so sorry.  I shouldn’t rub it in…..never mind….it’s a crappy morning.
Don’t you just [Turn the music down!] hate Mondays?  Gosh, let’s all just drag our [Shh!  and get that girl off your lap!] collective asses off to the [I mean it!  quiet down!  These guys have got to go to work today!] kitchen and get one more cup of coffee while we read our favorite e-zine [about 1 minute, okay?] and get a laugh or two in before we have to go to work.
Now…..

Holistic  Medicine

Achmed the Arab came to America from the  Middle East , and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.  He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help  him.
Finally, he went to an Arabic doctor who said: ‘Take  dees bucket, go into de odder room, poop in de bucket, pee on de poop,  and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for  ten minutes.’
Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other  room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in  the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said,  ‘It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?’ 
The doctor  said …. ‘You were  homesick’.

If movie characters had the internet:
http://www.makeuseof.com/tech-fun/if-movie-characters-had-the-internet/

I need one of those!

When Lethal Leprechaun was but a wee Leprechaun of a hundred or so years, he had a favorite dog that went missing.  He was inconsolable.  Finally, Molly, his wife says to him, “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper, Lethal?”
He does, but two weeks later the poor dog is still missing.  “Why did you put in the paper? Mrs. Leprechaun asks.
”Here boy,” replies Lethal

Little Red Riding Hood got to her grandmother’s house and didn’t recognize the wolf in grandma’s clothing, but she knew something was different. “Why, Grandmother, what big eyes you have,” said Little Red.

“They appear larger because I had an eyelid tuck at a marvelous plastic surgeon on Rodeo Drive,”
said the wolf in grandma’s clothing.

And Little Red believed him because it made perfect sense.

“Why, Grandmother, what big ears you have,” said Little Red.

“They appear larger because I had my hair done by this marvelous new stylist on Fifth Avenue and he gave me an uplift style to match my new breast implants,” said the wolf in grandma’s clothing.

And Little Red believed him because it made perfect sense.

“Why, Grandmother, what big teeth you have,” said Little Red.

“They’re new implants,” said the wolf in grandma’s clothing, “and they serve me well when I’m eating the snacks at the bar during happy hour.”

And Little Red went running out of the house crying, “Wolf! wolf! wolf!” because she knew that grandma was always in the restaurant eating the early-bird special at four o’clock like any retiree,
but the bars at happy hour are always full of wolves. (Cynthia MacGregor)

One of my all time favorites!  I LOVE this joke!

A woman went to her doctor’s office where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded: “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?!?!”
The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking  up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

And how about some new Dear (blank), Sincerely (blank)?

Dear Sesame Street,
Please go back to the way you were, when Oscar lived in a trash can not a recycling bin, Vegetable monster was Cookie monster, and Bert and Ernie were still on the show because everyone thought they were brothers. Sincerely, Sick of political correctness.

Dear Tigger,
Please consider decaf.
Sincerely, Eeyore.

Dear Gaston,
I thought you were gay. What with the singing and wanting a wedding. Sincerely, Belle.

Dear Snow White,
Two I can understand, four I can forgive but seven is just plain slutty.
Sincerely, Prince Charming.

Dear Captain Hook,
What was your name before you lost your hand?
Sincerely, A Very Lost Boy.

Dear Pinocchio,
I love the way you lie.
Sincerely, Rihanna.

Dear Mario,
Yea, it’s every princess’s dream to be rescued by a fat plumber with a pedostache.
Sincerely, Princess Peach.

Dear Waldo,
Well played.
Sincerely, Ninjas.

I’m headed to the gun range!
 
Three reasons I’ll never give up my guns.

Gott’a get back to the firing range… My turn to pick up the brass behind the shooting stations!!
 
Guns have only two enemies;  Rust and Liberal Politicians.

 

When I was younger, and on “shore leave” from Navy boot camp, I went down to Tijuana for the day. Walking down Calle Revolución, a sexy señorita called down from a balcony, “Hey, Meester! You come up here, I geeve you something you never had before!”

I replied, “What’s that? Cancer?”

I think this whole idea of “burping” your Tupperware is silly.  Personally, I’m waiting for Tupperware I can fart. -Kim Moser

Okay, here’s a new section that I think you will find hilarious! 

A young couple recently decided to start off their life of marital bliss by getting hitched at Wal-Mart. This is the comedy-world equivalent of a hanging curveball.

The Top 5 Things Overheard at a Wal-Mart Wedding

5. “If that creepy yellow smiley face comes by one more time, I
     swear I’m going over to sporting goods to buy some ammo.”

4. “I’m sorry, miss, but shoplifting an iPod does not qualify
     as your ‘something borrowed.'”

3. “Great — we finally get the entire wedding party crammed
     into the photo machine, and Bubba runs out of quarters!”

2. “Pre-nup in aisle seven!”

and The Number 1 Thing Overheard at a Wal-Mart Wedding…

1. “Jewish tradition or not, buddy, you broke that glass and
     you’re gonna pay for it.”

Thanks to George for sending us this little peek at history….

Enjoy this piece of history – it doesn’t get any better than this!

CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW, GREAT VIDEO

http://www.theospark.net/2010/06/video-old-666.html

This is hilarious!  Talk about getting more of an answer than you bargained for!  I thought it was great that the news guy hung right in there with him through the whole explanation:

Irish Banker Tells It Like It Is

An Irish banker tells a reporter exactly what is wrong with the Irish economy and explains what a ‘wanker banker’ is. Someone buy this guy a drink.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/f1e28a4b68/irish-banker-tells-it-like-it-is?utm_campaign=newsletter20110106&utm_content=fdnews&utm_medium=email&utm_source=newsletter&utm_term=fd

After a spate of shark attacks in Australia, the Week asked its readers to create that country’s next tourism slogan. Here’s what they came up with:
–  “What happens off the coast of Australia, stays off the coast of Australia.”
–  “We’ll throw another limb on the Barbie.”
–  “Australia: Disarmingly beautiful.”
–  “Our visitors: The other white meat.”
–  “Not quite heaven, but you can get there from here.”

And another new picture section.  All of these will be how they use naughtiness to advertise……stuff.  All kinds of stuff.  Today’s opening salvo for this section is for durex….
 

So, pretty straight forward, right?  How about this next one…a little more provocative, more subliminal…and it’s for an adult beverage.  Now you see where we will be going with this ….

There is much truth in the things we joke about.  Funny things are sometimes funny because they are so close to the truth and we all laugh together because we can see the closeness to real life in the jokes:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”.

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”.  The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been recategorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance”..

The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.   

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards”.  They don’t have any other levels.  This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”.  The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender”.  The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing”.  Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides”.   

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”.  They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.   

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual;  the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.    

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.   

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out preemptive strikes on all of their allies “just in case”.   

Canada doesn’t have any alert levels.   

New Zealand has raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA”.  Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is “I hope Australia will come and rescue us”.   

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, mate”. Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!”, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled”.  So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Israel did not report any changes in it’s security levels.  “Ho-hum” was their response.

The Birth Order

Your Clothes:

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don’t bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?

Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress–a whimper, a frown–you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby’s diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!

GRANDCHILDREN: …God’s reward for allowing your children to live.

Today’s Last Word comes as a personal recommendation from me.  I’ve found that people who are friends (aren’t we all friends?) or people who are of the same mindset (don’t we think alike?  okay, so don’t answer that one!) or people who laugh at the same things, tend to have the same likes and dislikes when it comes to their entertainment choices, such as books and movies.  So, when I say that I have a book (actually two … the first two books of a trilogy) that I would like to recommend to you, my camper friends, I’m doing so because I think, since I found them to be fantastic reads, you might too!
So, another cool thing is that these books are from a brand new writer!  This is great! To be one of the first people to discover a great, new writer is cool!  It’s like discovering a new artist and buying some of their paintings before they become famous!  This writer is so new, that she is printing her stuff herself, on Amazon.com, which means that you can only get her books electronically.  I know, this is sad, but most all of us can read electronic books in one format or another and if you search around you can find them.  I have a Kindle Application on my phone that I use for most of my books and at amazon.com, both of these books are on sale, right now for 99¢ each!  You can’t beat that for a great read!
Now, what are they about?  Kara Thorpe does a GREAT job in these fantasy/romance/demon/ …. heck, I don’t know what category they fall into.  LOL.  Here’s what the amazon web site has to say about the book:

Daddy’s little girl.
That’s what clairvoyant Viola Ashwood has been her entire life. She wouldn’t mind quite so much if her father hadn’t been possessed by a powerful, and nasty, demon nearly a decade earlier. After recovering from a horribly tragic confrontation with Daddy Dearest, Viola wants nothing more than to get back in to the federally-funded but privately run demon-hunting Network. Duke, her brother’s ex-best friend and the guy she’s crushed on since she was six, stands in her way. As Network regional head, Duke’s got plenty of reasons for keeping Viola out of his region, and that’s before he considers the fact that her father’s on the Network’s most wanted list
Just when Duke grudgingly allows Viola into the Network, Daddy Dearest, still possessed and more obsessed with Viola than ever, reappears. While trying to stay one step ahead of the demon, Viola struggles to overcome fears about her surprise demonic heritage while learning to control her new abilities. Especially the one that has her raising zombie squirrels in the middle of the afternoon. Together, Duke and Viola deal with dangerous demons, centuries of family secrets, and a mysterious link that may bind them together for life.

Yeah, zombie squirrels….and that ain’t the half of it!  Read the first one…..then, read the second one, and then, do like I do and harass the author to finish the third one so we can ALL see how it turns out! 
This one gets 5 thumbs up!

Good Morning.  Saturday Morning.  Nice, three day weekend.  You could probably expect to get a couple of things posted to your favorite ezine site…no, that’s not “Comics 2 Laff @” or “Funny Stuff R Us”!  It’s your own “Dragon Laffs”!  Now, run along, go tell all your friends.
And for now…….
Let’s Laugh!

With 49 of the 50 states having snow right now, (Florida seems to be the only hold out) this is exactly the way I feel:

And to go along perfectly with the above cartoon (from our dear camper friend Jeannie):

Just a note here.  Last night I saw on the news how Southern California got hit with snow—they had 100 mile backup on the freeway!  Then they showed clips of people just spinning in circles.  It was hilarious!  They interviewed one guy and he says, “I ain’t never seen snow except for in the movies!”  Lighweights!! hehehe  (Bet people from Minnesota were laughing their asses off at them!)

Satire from “The Onion”

Snowy Conditions Proving Hazardous For Nation’s Idiots

If you know an idiot, please make sure they’re safe and not standing naked in a snow embankment on a dare.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/snowy-conditions-proving-hazardous-for-nations-idi,18705/

Keep your computer virus free.

I shall take you to bed and I will make you ache, shake and sweat til you moan, I will exhaust you till your begging me for mercy untill you beg me to stop and after I’m thru you’ll be sore and unable to walk for a week. Sincerely Yours ~ The Flu    (Now get your  mind off sex and go get a flu shot already!)

You’re going to agree and laugh at every one of these!

More Words That Should Exist
Arachnidiot – Description of a person who wanders into an “invisible”
spider web and flails around, gyrating wildly, trying to rub it off.
Cheedle – The residue left on your fingers after eating Cheetos
(Registered TM).
Choconiverous – Used to describe a person who bites the head off a
chocolate Easter bunny first.
Deodorend – The last 1/2 inch of a stick deodorant that won’t push up,
making the tube good only for underarm lacerations.
Jiffylust – The passionate desire to be the first person to dip into a
brand new jar of peanut butter.
Kawashocky – Pulling into what you thought was an empty parking space,
only to discover a motorcycle is parked there.
Mowmuffins – The accumulated clumps of dried grass on the underside of
the lawn mower.
Nocturnuggets – The deposits you have to rub out of your eyes every
morning after a good night’s sleep.
Pajangle – Waking up to find your pajamas have turned 180 degrees
around while you were sleeping.
Prestofrigeration – When searching for a snack, this is the act of
returning to the refrigerator time and again in hopes something new
will have materialized.
Scribbobics – Warm up exercises to get the ink in a pen flowing.
Slackjam – The act of being stuck in your trousers while trying to
remove them without taking off your shoes.
Snackmosphere – The empty yet explosive layer of air at the top of a
bag of potato chips or other snackage.
Spudrubble – The unclaimed fries that have fallen to the bottom of the
fast food sack.

Do you remember this guy?  Is he that old already that people don’t know him anymore?  Man, we’re getting old fast.

It’s snowing like crazy here today.
My friend says that since  it’s been snowing,
all his wife does is look through the window”.
He reckons if it gets much worse he’ll have to let her  in.

THE WOODEN LEG

A man and his wife, moved back home to West Virginia,
from Ohio. The husband had a wooden leg, and to
insure it back in Ohio cost them $2000 per year!
 
When they arrived in West Virginia, they went to an insurance agency
  to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.
 
The agent looked it up on the computer and said: ‘$39.’
 
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in
West Virginia to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio!
 
The insurance agent turned his computer screen
to the couple and said,
“Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure,
with a sprinkler system above it, is $39… You just
have to know how to describe it!”

Jewish Proverbs,
    Most Direct quotes   
 
If the rich could hire other people to die for them,
the poor could make a wonderful living.
Yiddish Proverb
 
The wise man, even when he holds his tongue,
says more than the fool when he speaks .
Yiddish Proverb
 
What you don’t see with your eyes,
don’t invent with your mouth.
Yiddish proverb
 
A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut
when he is right.
Yiddish Proverb
 
One old friend is better than two new ones.
Yiddish Proverb
 
One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t
good enough to marry your daughter can be the father
of the smartest grandchild in the world. 
Jewish Proverb
 
A wise man hears one word and understands two.
Yiddish Proverb
 
“Don’t be so humble –
you are not that great.” 
Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat
 
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex.
It takes a touch of genius – and a lot of courage
to move in the opposite direction.  
Albert Einstein
 
Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance,
you must keep moving.
Albert Einstein
 
Intellectuals solve problems;
geniuses prevent them.
Albert Einstein
 
You can’t control the wind, but you
can adjust your sails.
Yiddish proverb
 
I don’t want to become immortal through my work.
I want to become Immortal through not dying.
Woody Allen
 
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Sign hanging in Einstein’s office at Princeton .
 
We can’t solve problems by using the same kind
of thinking we used when we created them . 
Albert Einstein

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um … no.”

The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

“or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

Samurai Obama?

http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmovie.php?id=2145 

Here’s another terrible one from our one and only Lethal Leprechaun…Zack, I think you have some competition, dude.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,’ she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterward they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! ‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’
‘No,’ she replies …
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Wait for it.
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It’s coming.

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The suspense is killing you, isn’t it?

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She says, ‘You just happened to catch my eye.’

Tim Tebow, former Florida Gators quarterback, and now the Denver Broncos quarterback has NEVER fumbled !!!!

In 2007, Florida ‘s Tim Tebow was awarded the Heisman Trophy as a sophomore, the first time ever the award has gone to a second year player..
In addition to his amazing passing, running and TD stats is the fact that he has NEVER fumbled the ball!  How is he able to hold on to the football so well? What grip does he use??

Tim’s grip training technique was inspired by his girlfriend, of 2 years, Amber.

“I really have to say, with her help and training support, I have been able to strengthen my grip, with either hand, even if I barely have any piece of the ball in my hand” 

Note the grip on the football shown here!
“But I feel that I can still improve my game if I stick with Amber’s training method just one more year” 
Introducing the Amazing Tim Tebow Grip Master Training System!!!

Any Questions?  I didn’t think so!
 

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

• The captain of the USS Enterprise aircraft carrier has been relieved of command for appearing in raunchy videos on the ship. They are calling this the most embarrassing video involving Navy personnel since that guy from the Village People.
• The top things people give up for the new year are junk food, alcohol, smoking, and gambling. So basically, people are giving up on 7-Eleven.
• Over the weekend, thousands of dead birds fell out of the sky in Arkansas. Apparently this is Arkansas’ version of the New Year’s Eve ball drop.
• According to the Japanese press, Sony is coming out with a smartphone that has a PlayStation built in to compete with the iPhone. It’s called the “I-just-crashed-my-car-phone.”

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

• Hugh Hefner reportedly gave his new fiancée a $90,000 diamond engagement ring. It’s not that impressive. Back when he bought it, it was still a lump of coal.
• Nickelodeon just renewed “SpongeBob SquarePants” for a ninth season. You can tell SpongeBob is growing up because he wants to be called “SpongeRobert.”
• As Nickelodeon announced the ninth season of “SpongeBob SquarePants,” the NFL announced that this was the last season of “Brett Favre NoPants.”
• Kate Middleton’s uncle is reportedly getting over a drug problem so that he can be invited to her ceremony, and Prince William’s uncle has to clean up his act too. At a luncheon last week, he used his salad fork on the beef tenderloin.

Amazing Find

From National Geographic via Powerline

 

The discovery of an amazingly large cave in Vietnam is big news. National Geographic has an interesting article, linked, accompanied by a number of spectacular photographs. The cave, Hang Son Doong, is located in a remote jungle. Still, it is hard to understand how it could have gone undiscovered for so long. Vietnamese caves have a long history, but this one could comfortably house a skyscraper.

View the National Geographic article here and the gallery here.

 

 

Wow, we are just full of awesome stuff today.  This one was sent in by Lynn and it is WAY COOL!  I’ve watched it several times just to see it go through the stages…

This is the making of a Boeing plane in time lapse photography.  Really interesting.

It is amazing….

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=zKnsyYbfC60&feature=popular

Our three children like to spin in our home office chairs.   One of the chairs makes this annoying popping noise whenever they are spinning in it that is not conducive to productive thought processes.  We have told the children time and time again NOT to spin in the chair.
       Either they forget or it is an act of defiance, but they continue to spin in the chair from time to time, leading us to believe that this is an act of swivel disobedience. — Tiff Wimberly