Dragon Laffs

‘Tis the Leprechaun here folks~

Believe it or nae, himself the Dragon asked me if t’was soon to be another chapter in the sordid tales of his life! Not wanting to disappoint him or stress him out I promised I would post it immediately!

Driving Impish Dragon and his wife to the airport, we passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. Impish’s wife glanced up at it and announced, “I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I’d look like her.”

“No,” Impish corrected. “If I drank a twelve pack, you’d look like her.”

We were forced to divert to a level 1 trauma hospital to seek immediate care for Impish’s injuries.

========

Impish once confided in me (from a hospital trauma ward bed) his newly acquired secret to a good marriage: “No matter how many promises you make to be completely honest with each other, never respond to your wife’s ‘What are thinking about?’ question with an answer that involves football, beer or especially her sister’s breasts.”

==========

Impish keep telling his kid they can’t go to Disney World because it’s too expensive and too far away.
It really isn’t, but  that’s his story he’s sticking to it, at least until Daisy Duck lifts the restraining order!

========

Mrs Dragon told Impish he was no longer romantic, so he booked a table for the two of them on Valentine’s night.

The problem was she sucks at snooker & eight-ball.

Now he sucks his dinner thru a straw cause his jaw is wired shut after they removed the cue ball from his mouth!

=======

Impish goes to the doctor with hearing problems.
The doctor asked, “Can you describe the symptoms to me?”

“Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard  and Marge is a skinny broad with big blue hair.”

========

The Red Cross  knocked at Impish Dragon’s door and asked if he could help towards the floods in Pakistan.

Impish  said “I’d would love to, but my garden  hose only reaches to the driveway. “

========

Impish Dragon finds out that his bookkeeper, Brenda, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is stacked, beautiful and smart but totally deaf. That was the reason she got the job in the first place.  It was assumed that Brenda would hear nothing so she would never have be able to testify in court.

When the Impish goes to confront Brenda about his missing $10 million, he takes along Lethal Leprechaun his lawyer who knows sign language ( and how to hide a body). Impish tells the Lethal, “Ask her where my money is.”

The Leprechaun, using sign language, asks Brenda, “where’s the money?”

Brenda signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The Lethal tells the Dragon, “She says she doesn’t know what you are talking about”.

Impish pulls out a pistol, puts it to Brenda’s temple, cocks the hammer back and says, “Ask her freakin’ again!”

The Leprechaun signs to Brenda, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”

Brenda signs back, OK” You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”

Impish impatiently asks Lethal, “What did she say?”

The Leprechaun replies, “She says she’s seen you naked and you don’t have the balls to pull that trigger.”

Several people have asked if the events in the Dragon’s and my life recently were going to cause us not to comment on the tragic events in Arizona or their aftermath. In truth it has been on my “To-do list” for a couple of days. However when I am forced to reprioritize (its amazing but having dependable heat in the middle of a cold snap has been an automatic #1 every time) it kept getting shoved pretty far down the list.

Finally with a reasonably and dependably warm Leprechaun’s Lair once again and a big pot of soup started, I sat down to organize all my thoughts which I kept noting down on my phone into a coherent format. Then I received this from a friend and realized a picture and a quote was all that was needed to put this entire thing in perspective:

So there is your picture and here is your quote:

OH HELLS NO!

Today since there has yet to be a Dragon Laffs Issue we’ll do a Two-fer-One special on Introspections. First the Part 5 installement of our Weirdest Stories of 2010 10 part feature.

The woman who achieved the record of world’s fattest at 700 pounds

Terri Smith, 49, a 700-pound woman is pinned in her sleeping room, incapable to move, stand or roll across by herself – adjusting the fresh world record as the Fattest woman. She suffers severe headaches and needs an MRI scan to check out for a potential brain tumor, unfortunately she is also too big to fit in a scanner or to pass through the doors of a hospital.

Terry has never been a delicate female child. At the age of 7, she weighed almost 70 kilograms. The woman explains that her family was poor which did not allow for her parents to bargain healthy foods. At the age of twenty, Terry weighed about 120 kilograms. Terri wedded husband Myron, whom she looks up to as her guardian spirit, in 1986. At the age of 32 she built up severe arthritis in her knees and was incapable to walking more than a couple of steps at one time. Smith was lastly given an electric wheelchair to get around in. The lack of physical exercise and not having modified her eating caused her weight balloon to the point wherever she could barely stand. Then about three years ago a change in her medicine caused her to gain 91 pounds in 30 days. Those pounds forced her to the bed ridden state she has been in ever since. (Link)

OK now both Impish and I are not little guys and freely acknowledge we carry more than just a few extra pounds of padding so we really DO NOT have room to throw stones.

However this IS supposed to be a humorous introspection and I AM supposed to have a wry comment after each post so here goes….

DAMN! She’s not sitting ’round the house…the house be barely sitting ’round her!

49 states have snow, with Florida the only holdout

HONOLULU — Even Hawaii has snow on the ground, along with every other state except Florida.

The National Weather Service said there was 7 inches of snow on the top of Mauna Kea on Hawaii’s Big Island on Tuesday.

Thank god for Global Warming! No telling HOW MUCH snow Hawaii and the Deep South would have received with out it!

Good Morning Campers!
Yup, it’s a real, live issue of Dragon Laffs.  Full of fun and laughter, grace and wit and of course, the Recommended Minimum Daily Allowance (RMDA)of sarcasm, vitamin B-26, and informative, authoritative bovine excrement (High Powered B.S.). 
Thank you all for all your well wishes and prayers.  And speaking of prayers, I think I know what part of my problem is…I know, the list is so long…but I’m talking about my low blood sugars.  I’m eating properly, cutting down on my medication, losing weight and yet I’m still getting low blood sugars, why is that?  It’s because some of you out there are praying too hard and have got me practically healed of diabetes and now the medicine that is supposed to help me is trying to kill me.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I don’t want you guys to stop, but let’s start doing it slowly and together with the doctor and if that is the way the good Lord wishes it to be, then I will be more than happy to be miraculously healed.  I haven’t taken my insulin in two days (under doctor’s orders) and my fasting blood sugar this morning was 136.  Now, I know some of you won’t understand what that means, but it’s good. 
Anyway, back to the serious stuff for a minute…
on Tuesday, after the funeral, the Miami County Sherriff’s Office, Indiana State Police, Peru Police, all the area Fire Departments, etc, etc, etc.  Got together, in the snow, to say good bye to Sherriff Kenneth Roland.  Our dear friend will be sorely missed. 
The pictures are courtesy of the Peru Tribune Web site…

Now, let’s move on to the fun and mirth…

Let’s Laugh!

Under the topic of

http://www.zdnet.com/videos/new-tech/the-future-of-kitchen-counters/491855

That’s just plain weird!

Hungary is considering allowing solicitation
for prostitution in shopping malls, so long
as the act itself is performed elsewhere.

1. Twattery Barn

My big fantasy is being a pizza delivery boy making a delivery to a mansion where a porn film is being shot and arriving at the location at precisely the same moment as the actor playing the role of the pizza-delivery boy.
-Siva Kumar

Jeannie is so proud of herself….she now has a groaner!  And she gets a:

This is one funny protest prank:
http://wimp.com/protestprank/

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.”

–American comedian Groucho Marx

This is just great.  Just great.  Now the Leprechaun wants to get into the act, and I have to tell you, that there are very few people around with a sense of pun as bad as his….so, take heed….

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”

An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”

And yet another one from our dear Leprechaun:
Bartenders and waiters have heard ’em all. But what we rarely hear is someone turning down a drink. “Nah, I better not have one,” said one man a after I offered him a glass of wine. “I have the world’s worst stomach. I eat so many antacids that if I were to keel over dead right this minute, I’d leave my own chalk outline.”

ORD Approach: “United 143 best forward speed to the marker, you are number one.”
United 143 (male): “Roger, balls to the wall.”
ORD Approach: “American 245, you’re number two behind a United 737,
follow him, cleared visual, at your best forward speed.”
American 245 (female): “Well, I can’t do balls to the wall, but I can
go wide open.”
-Radio silence-
Unknown male Pilot: “Is American hiring?”

From our great camper friend Bob, in Alaska:

Here is an amazing eclipse photo – this guy is pretty savy!

Bob

Pretty cool photo:
http://legault.perso.sfr.fr/eclipse110104_solar_transit.html
http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/badastronomy/2011/01/04/insanely-awesome-solar-eclipse-picture/

Personally, I love my iPhone.  I’m pretty much to the point that I can’t live without it.  Sad, I know, but here is a great story about the day an iPhone saved the day…and recovered a stolen car:
http://www.timesrecordnews.com/news/2011/jan/04/iphone-dials-up-justice-in-case-of-stolen-car-n/

I’ve had a couple of requests for updates on Baby Jack.  He’s doing well, just growing up and getting ready for his next operation.  Not sure when that is going to happen, but here’s a couple of recent pics to keep all you “Aww, he’s so cute!” people satisfied…and yes, I’m one of those people, too.

Good Morning my dear campers.  Thank you for all the wonderful words of encouragement you have sent both as comments and as emails to my home.  Please know that I would answer each and everyone of them personally, if I could, if anyone was humanly able, lol.  What I will do is, as I get to each one, I will reply with a thank you, even if it’s a year from now.  lol.

Now, I’ve been threatened by the staff with bodily harm if I spend too much time and over stressing myself.  Since I still must continue my real job, although I’m sure my wonderful boss will personally and viciously protect me from undue stress and harm, I still have to be there.  (Do you know that he came to the hospital emergency room at midnight to visit me and see how I was doing?  They don’t come any better than that!  Most bosses would have said, at best, “Yeah, okay, let me know how he is in the morning.” or at worst, “What the hell are you doing calling me at this time of night?!”  Nope, not him, he was there wanting to know what he could do for me.  I’m very blessed.)

Well, and while we’re talking about wonderful people, our neighbor’s down the street and across the street.  I found this out later, of course.  First the lady across the street called the lady down the street and told her there was a fire truck (the base guys, my buddies!) and an ambulance out front of our house.  They were worried I had had a heart attack with the chest pain incident not too long ago.  Anyway, the dear wonderful sweet lady down the street (and of course her wonderful husband was involved as well) came down to our house, came inside and (after a short conversation with Mrs. Dragon) ended taking our littlest Dragonette back home with her to spend the night, feed her and make her a lunch for school and make sure she got on the bus the next day!  I’m so very blessed.

I could go on and on about the wonderful doctors and nurses that ran into.  The two very cute, very smart, and very forcefully insistent (don’t you just love that in a woman?) ambulance ladies from ….well, trying not to use names and places here … (only because I don’t have permissions and don’t want to try and get them…and yes, I’m being paranoid, but sometimes, they really ARE out to get you, lol) who did such a fantastic job of taking care of me, reassuring me, and keeping me alive long enough to get to the hospital.  Plus, the one in the back had a wicked sense of humor.  A top 5% attribute in my book.

Anyway, I do need to get the dragonette off to the bus stop and me off to work, we are on a two hour snow delay this morning, so again, thank you all VERY much for ALL the well wishes and wonderful comments.  Dragon Laffs will be back on track soon, albeit a bit less frequent than you are used to and perhaps we’ll make it more interesting with some different changes as well.

Now, have a great day and enjoy, until we talk again.