So, I really, really hope this was worth the wait! It has been a long hard couple of days for me folks. Bear with me and together we can get a tiny laugh out of life that puts us in these crazy situations.
Love you all, thanks for hanging in and thanks for Lethal stepping up and covering for me….again.
Now, let’s laugh!
I know we’ve seen this before…but it is just such the perfect Dragon Laffs answer to a mundane problem:
I don’t see what the fuss is about house cleaning. Seems easy enough to me.
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it “Housework.”
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, “Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?”
6. Answer calmly, “Yes,” and press the mouse button firmly…..
7. Feel better?
Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the
most awful kind of insult just as long as it’s prefaced with
the words “Bless her heart” or “Bless his heart.” As in,
“Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head of a
pin, it’d roll round like a BB on a six-lane highway.” Or,
“Bless her heart, she’s so bucktoothed, she could eat an
apple through a picket fence.” There are also the sneakier
ones that I remember from tongue-clucking types of my
childhood: “You know, it’s amazing that even though she had
that baby seven months after they got married, bless her
heart, it weighed 10 pounds!” As long as the heart is
sufficiently blessed, the insult can’t be all that bad, at
least that’s what my Great-Aunt Tiny (bless her heart, she
was anything but) used to say.
I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was
telling me about her new Northern friend who was upset
because her toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a
Southern accent. My friend, who is very kind and, bless her
heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of hers, so
don’t even start, was justifiably miffed about this. After
all, this woman had CHOSEN to move south a couple of years
ago. “Can you believe it?” she said to my friend. “A child
of mine is going to be taaaallllkkin’ a-liiiike thiiiissss.”
I can think of far worse fates than speaking Southern for
this adorable little boy, who, bless his heart, must surely
be the East Coast king of mucus. I wish I’d been there. I
would have said that she shouldn’t fret, because there is
nothing so sweet or pleasing on the ear as a soft, Southern
drawl. Of course, maybe we shouldn’t be surprised at her
“carryings on.” After all, when you come from a part of the
world where “family silver” refers to the large medallion
around Uncle Vinnie’s neck, you just have to, as Aunt Tiny
would say, “consider the source.”
Now don’t get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from
the North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective,
their friendships, and their recipes for authentic Northern
Italian food. I’ve even gotten past their endless complaints
that you can’t find good bread down here. The ones who
really gore my ox are the native Southerners who have begun
to act almost embarrassed about their speech. It’s as if
they want to bury it in the “Hee Haw” cornfield. We’ve
already lost too much. I was raised to swanee, not swear,
but you hardly ever hear anyone say that anymore, I swanee
you don’t. And I’ve caught myself thinking twice before
saying something is “right much,” “right close,” or “right
good” because non-natives think this is right funny indeed.
I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it’s hilarious when
I say I’ve got to “carry” my daughter to the doctor or “cut
off” the light. That’s OK. It’s when you have to explain
things to people who were born here that I get mad as a mule
Not long ago, I found myself trying to explain to a native
Southerner what I meant by being “in the short rows.” I’m
used to explaining that expression (it means you’ve worked
right smart but you’re almost done) to newcomers to the land
of buttermilk and cold collard sandwiches (better than you
think), but to have to explain it to a Southerner was just
The most grating example is found in restaurants and stores
where nice, Magnolia-mouthed clerks now say “you guys”
instead of “y’all,” as their mamas raised them up to say.
I’d sooner wear white shoes in February, drink unsweetened
tea, and eat Miracle Whip instead of Duke’s than utter the
words “you guys.” Not long ago, I went to lunch with four
women friends, and the waiter, a nice Southern boy,
you-guys-ed all of us within an inch of our lives. “You guys
ready to order? What can I get for you guys? Would you guys
like to keep you guys’ forks?” Lord, have mercy.
It’s a little comforting that, at the very same time some
natives are so eager to blend in, they’ve taken to making
microwave grits (an abomination), the rest of the world is
catching on that it’s cool to be Clampett. How else do you
explain NASCAR tracks and Krispy Kreme doughnut franchises
springing up like yard onions all over the country?
To those of you who’re still a little embarrassed by your
Southernness, take two tent revivals and a dose of redeye
gravy and call me in the morning.
One heck of a slippery mess!
A psychology student was to help a professor in conducting a personality test. The room was set up with various props in order to move through the assessment quickly. The first person to enter the room started through the test.
“How does this glass of water look to you?”
Person 1: It is half empty.
Student writes ‘pessimist’ in his report.
Person 2 enters the room. “How does this glass of water look to you?”
Person 2: It is half full.
Student writes ‘optimist’ in his report.
Person 3 enters the room. “How does this glass of water look to you?”
Person 3: Looks like you have twice as much glass as you need there.
The student looks totally blank and goes to consult with the professor.
“Oh them!”, the professor says, “I forgot to warn you about the engineers! They have no personality.”
Now, that’s just not fair!
I happen to work with a bunch of engineers and they’re a great bunch of guys!
Fully half of them have a personality…
This is WAY COOL!!
Okay, so this one’s bad…and it’s WAY TOO EASY to turn it around on Lethal…so of course, I won’t. But LL…know the thought was there buddy.
A skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and
sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the
little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: ‘7 feet tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.’
The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big
guy says, ‘What’s wrong with you?’
In a weak voice the little guy says, ‘What EXACTLY did you say
The big dude says, ‘I saw your curious look and figured I’d just
give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me…… I’m 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.’
The little white Irishman says:
‘Turner Brown?!….Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, ‘Turn around!
Weather information across the country at the tip of your pointer! Amazing!
A WOMAN’S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you.
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would
be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Christo, who identified himself as a
26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Started my day at 6:00 a..m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when
I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me.
He is something of a Greek god – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted
his aerobics class after my workout today.
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in
the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week !!
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy
iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT !! It’s a whole new life for me.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my
mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t
try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he
scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back
in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late – it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the
restroom. He sent some skinny little bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing
machine — which I sank.
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body
I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t
have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the
floor, don’t hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however,
I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.
I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds !!!
Yeah, yeah, yeah…Politics!
Pick a side with this one.
Doesn’t matter, it’s still funny!
Two women were bemoaning the state of Obamacare…
One said, “Do you know, my ninety-three-year-old mother has been waiting over a year for her operation?
“That’s appalling,” said the other woman. “What a terrible way to treat someone of that age.”
“I know,” said the first woman. “It got so bad that at one point I even said to her, ‘Mum, do you really need bigger boobs?’.”
This ought to get your blood boiling! What the hell is going on with our financial system right now? Good Lawd!
And we wonder who Really Pulls the Strings. Keep This going and going and going
This is Unbelievable!
Subject: Foreclosure Video that will BLOW YOUR MIND!!!
Please take a moment to watch this video and get more informed about
who the mortgage bailout is really helping…Its Unbelievable!!!
Click on the link below to get the real story, it will make you very mad.
I STILL know all the words to this song. My sister almost strangled me over playing this album over and over and over again!
Snoopy Vs. The Red Baron” The Royal Guardsmen
Things Babies Born in 2011 Will Never Know
by Stacy Johnson
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Huffington Post recently put up a story called You’re Out: 20 Things That Became Obsolete This Decade. It’s a great retrospective on the technology leaps we’ve made since the new century began, and it got me thinking about the difference today’s technology will make in the lives of tomorrow’s kids.
I’ve used some of their ideas and added some of my own to make the list below: Do you think kids born in 2011 will recognize any of the following?
Video tape: Starting this year, the news stories we produce here at Money Talks have all been shot, edited, and distributed to TV stations without ever being on any kind of tape. Not only that, the tape-less broadcast camera we use today offers much higher quality than anything that could have been imagined 10 years ago — and cost less than the lens on the camera we were using previously.
Travel agents: While not dead today, this profession is one of many that’s been decimated by the Internet. When it’s time for their honeymoon, will those born in 2011 be able to find one?
The separation of work and home: When you’re carrying an email-equipped computer in your pocket, it’s not just your friends who can find you — so can your boss. For kids born this year, the wall between office and home will be blurry indeed.
Books, magazines, and newspapers: Like video tape, words written on dead trees are on their way out. Sure, there may be books — but for those born today, stores that exist solely to sell them will be as numerous as record stores are now.
Movie rental stores: You actually got in your car and drove someplace just to rent a movie?
Watches: Maybe as quaint jewelry, but the correct time is on your smartphone, which is pretty much always in your hand.
Paper maps: At one time these were available free at every gas station. They’re practically obsolete today, and the next generation will probably have to visit a museum to find one.
Wired phones: Why would you pay $35 every month to have a phone that plugs into a wall? For those born today, this will be a silly concept.
Long distance: Thanks to the Internet, the days of paying more to talk to somebody in the next city, state, or even country are limited.
Newspaper classifieds: The days are gone when you have to buy a bunch of newsprint just to see what’s for sale.
Dial-up Internet: While not everyone is on broadband, it won’t be long before dial-up Internet goes the way of the plug-in phone.
Encyclopedias: Imagine a time when you had to buy expensive books that were outdated before the ink was dry. This will be a nonsense term for babies born today.
Forgotten friends: Remember when an old friend would bring up someone you went to high school with, and you’d say, “Oh yeah, I forgot about them!” The next generation will automatically be in touch with everyone they’ve ever known even slightly via Facebook.
Forgotten anything else: Kids born this year will never know what it was like to stand in a bar and incessantly argue the unknowable. Today the world’s collective knowledge is on the computer in your pocket or purse. And since you have it with you at all times, why bother remembering anything?
The evening news: The news is on 24/7. And if you’re not home to watch it, that’s OK — it’s on the smartphone in your pocket.
CDs: First records, then 8-track, then cassette, then CDs — replacing your music collection used to be an expensive pastime. Now it’s cheap(er) and as close as the nearest Internet connection.
Film cameras: For the purist, perhaps, but for kids born today, the word “film” will mean nothing. In fact, even digital cameras — both video and still — are in danger of extinction as our pocket computers take over that function too.]
Yellow and White Pages: Why in the world would you need a 10-pound book just to find someone?
Catalogs: There’s no need to send me a book in the mail when I can see everything you have for sale anywhere, anytime. If you want to remind me to look at it, send me an email.
Fax machines: Can you say “scan,” “.pdf” and “email?”
One picture to a frame: Such a waste of wall/counter/desk space to have a separate frame around each picture. Eight gigabytes of pictures and/or video in a digital frame encompassing every person you’ve ever met and everything you’ve ever done — now, that’s efficient. Especially compared to what we used to do: put our friends and relatives together in a room and force them to watch what we called a “slide show” or “home movies.”
Wires: Wires connecting phones to walls? Wires connecting computers, TVs, stereos, and other electronics to each other? Wires connecting computers to the Internet? To kids born in 2011, that will make as much sense as an electric car trailing an extension cord.
Hand-written letters: For that matter, hand-written anything. When was the last time you wrote cursive? In fact, do you even know what the word “cursive” means? Kids born in 2011 won’t — but they’ll put you to shame on a tiny keyboard.
Talking to one person at a time: Remember when it was rude to be with one person while talking to another on the phone? Kids born today will just assume that you’re supposed to use texting to maintain contact with five or six other people while pretending to pay attention to the person you happen to be physically next to.
Retirement plans: Yes, Johnny, there was a time when all you had to do was work at the same place for 20 years and they’d send you a check every month for as long as you lived. In fact, some companies would even pay your medical bills, too!
Mail: What’s left when you take the mail you receive today, then subtract the bills you could be paying online, the checks you could be having direct-deposited, and the junk mail you could be receiving as junk email? Answer: A bloated bureaucracy that loses billions of taxpayer dollars annually.
Commercials on TV: They’re terrifically expensive, easily avoided with DVRs, and inefficiently target mass audiences. Unless somebody comes up with a way to force you to watch them — as with video on the Internet — who’s going to pay for them?
Commercial music radio: Smartphones with music-streaming programs like Pandoraare a better solution that doesn’t include ads screaming between every song.
Hiding: Not long ago, if you didn’t answer your home phone, that was that — nobody knew if you were alive or dead, much less where you might be. Now your phone is not only in your pocket, it can potentially tell everyone — including advertisers — exactly where you are.