Yup its finally Friday which means the weekend draws near once again. Saints be praised and Baileys in everyone’s coffee on the Dragon! (If that doesn’t wake him up and get his heart going nothing is going to!)
OK OK quiet down you rowdy rabble ya or I’ll have the hoses turned on the like o’ ya! “Tis sumthin’ ta say I have!
As Impish said yesterday GMTA yadda yadda yadda and we occasionally wind up stealing each others planned jokes and/or graphics. Occasionally this even extends to Last Word subjects. see I called Impish Wednesday night after watching Monday’s episode of The Daily Show With John Stewart with Molly. We record it because its on at an inconvenient time for us and wind up watching it a day late. Confess I must I usually watch it to be polite to Molly but lately more and more I have been coming around to her point of view regarding the show and its merits. ‘Twas from John I learn about this Sterns jackass and the unjust slap in the face he was giving those 9/11 Ground Zero Heroes.
When I alerted Impish to this travesty I figured he already had a Last word in the can for today’s issue given it was like 8PM his time and that at best he might get it out as a Last Word on Saturday. I chose not to use it because I already had my next couple largely written. See one of our biggest problems is not finding things to be outraged about or Last Word worthy but rather finding time to write about all the tings we DO find worthy and space to include them in a timely manner and while still topical.
The more I thought about it the more I decided I was going to write a Last Word on it for today and offer to give Impish one of the ones I had mostly finished to make up for it. I opened Thursdays issue to see I was too late Impish had already struck while iron and ire were both hot and done a damned fine job too…as far as he went. IMHO he left out one thing. Probably not because he wasn’t thinking it but more likely because he is not me. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but a key difference between Impish and myself (others are covered below see the Introspection today) is that I’m not afraid to call a spade a spade and say what it is everyone is really privately thinking. To wit:
HEAR YE HEAR YE BY THESE PRESENTS Know ye all members, guests and friends of the Lethal Leprechaun, Impish Dragon and Dragon Laffs et al, that we hereby do award and invest the Right Dishonorable and Contemptuous Buffoon Rep. Cliff Stearns (R-FL) with the first issuance of our Meritorious Badge of Assholedom for his inane asinine ill conceived over the top symbolic slap in the face to such men and women whom may seek just and long overdue aid and comfort from the James Zadroga 9/11 Health And Compensation Law (9-11 First Responders Act).
SPECIFICALLY : Rep Cliff Stearns (R-FL) added the amendment during the bitter debates over the bill, which provides $4.3 billion in compensation to help workers who fell ill after the attacks. The bill also provides compensation for people who lived or attended school near Ground Zero. Workers will be informed by their medical providers before July that they need to be screened to ensure they are not terrorists.
It is our strongly held belief that not since Janet Napolitano called those opposing illegal immigration, supporting gun rights, and our military all potential terrorists has there been an insult of the American people or American Heroes by our Government of this proportion.
In our opinions Rep Cliff Stearns distinguished himself in dishonor above all other members of the House and Senate Committees which finally managed to pass the long overdue bill by treacherously adding this amendment at the last possible moment thereby adding the final insult to already grievous (and in many cases mortal) injuries.
It is our sincere and fervent hope that the people of the 6th Florida Congressional District will be so ashamed and appalled over the behavior and buffoonery of this braying jackass that he will be so soundly defeated in his 2012 re-election bid as to make it an embarrassment that he even ran again.
This presentation ceremony of epic shame is hereby thankfully concluded.
NOW LETS LAUGH
ARE YOU TIRED OF SIN?
The sign on the Baptist church in a Texas community read:
“If you’re tired of sin, come on in.”
A ‘lady of the evening’ walked by, read the message, took out her bright red lipstick and wrote below it:
“If not, dial 999-123-4567.”
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the
heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of
Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and
eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always
sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a
Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great
interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you
notice anything different about me?”
The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are
missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your
hearing on that side.”
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same
“Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.”
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant . He was
articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two
Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead
with the same question.
“Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly
tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked.
The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with
only one fuckin’ ear.”
He SHOULD have said “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with
only one fuckin’ ear.” SIR!
Recently I was asked by a reader how to tell Impish and I apart, what the primary differences was between us. Now this I guess was an understandable question, given that he’s prone to type in blue when making comments where we are both present and me in green. Him being the size of a double-decker bus, purple, possessing the wing span of a 707, breathing fire and reeking of brimstone. Mean while I’m just clearing 3 feet dressed in green trousers and jacket with gold trim and vest wearing a bowler hat, carry a shelleigh and sport a large red mustache and chin whiskers, a scent reminiscent of heather, old money, pipe tobacco and Irish whiskey. I can certainly see how we’d be hard to tell apart or easily be mistake for each other. Undoubtedly this has to be confusing for some.
To cut down on the confusion I answered this way, “Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” (that ‘twould be meself for two reasons; one an Irishman is forced ta speak with the Lord ta talk with an equal, two it scares the bloody hell out of him that I’m up and about and preparing to wreck havoc another day. I also make it a habit ta greet the Devil in the morning too, pretty much for the same reason, because it scares the bloody hell out of him that I might take a notion to come down and take over meself) and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.” (which of course would be Impish Dragon greeting the new day. Ta be sure he says a bunch o’ other things too- but they’re mostly profane, pitiful cries for coffee or in Dragonese the language o’ Dragons which really loses something in the translation and is really hard to repeat unless you have a forked tongue or the gift o’ gab. Occasional when he’s really feeling eloquent or severely hung over, he manages all three at he same time.
“Tis me hope this clears up any confusion ya might have been experiencing in telling us apart for the like o’ ya in the future.
Impish was waiting at the bus stop with his pal Lethal when a truck went by loaded up with rolls of turf.
Impish said, ‘I’m gonna do that when I win lottery.’
‘What’s dat?’ says Lethal.
‘Send my lawn away to be cut,’ says Impish.
2 lb. bananas, ripe but not mushy
36 vanilla wafers
2 cups milk
1 can (14 oz.) sweetened condensed milk (not plain evap.)
1 box (family-size, 4.6 oz.) cook and serve vanilla pudding mix
1 tsp. vanilla extract
Slice bananas and layer them with vanilla wafers in a 1-1/2-qt. casserole. Mix milk and sweetened condensed milk in a saucepan and let get hot over medium heat, but do not let them boil. Using a wire whisk, stir in pudding mix. Cook only until pudding begins to thicken. Remove from heat, add vanilla, pour over bananas and vanilla wafers. Crush a few extra vanilla wafers and sprinkle them over top. Serve warm. Makes 8 servings.
Personally I ‘d like to know how he recognizes the odor of a rancid goat liver!
Ok we had a serious Last Word yesterday and a serious opening today. This is Friday however so I thought a lighter more humorous Last Word would be in order to set the mood for the weekend.
ICE-T on life: There’s no luggage rack on a hearse
Next week, Ice-T (aka Tracy Marrow) delivers advice from the street in his new book: ICE: A Memoir of Gangster Life and Redemption — from South Central to Hollywood.
Here’s a peek at a few sage points from a long list at the end of his memoir. To learn how to be a player, read on:
1. Life isn’t about the material things you own. (There’s no luggage rack on a hearse.) It’s about the exceptional experiences you have.
2. As you grow, the game you play gets more advanced. Never let the minor league players pull you back to their level.
3. It’s not about being mad at everything; it’s about being really mad at the right things.
4. A player doesn’t lie to women; his ladies all know what’s up. If you’re lying and sneaking, you’re not a player, you’re a cheater.
5. Sometimes we choose to reject good advice because it’s not what we want to hear. Remember, medicine doesn’t taste good.
6. Slow motion is better than no motion, and low profile is better than no profile.
7. People always hate up. You never think twice about someone below you. It’s the people above you who create envy in you.
8. In the game, spectators, commentators and critics don’t get the trophies — only the players do!
9. You’re only wasting your time trying to tell people how fly you are. If it’s real it’s gonna show.
10. You don’t need a yacht — you just need a friend with a yacht!