Okay, here’s a picture that’s really and truly worth a thousand words. One professional interacting with another:
Special Thank-you’s go out to the owl for the above picture. What a simply marvelous testament to the power of love and humanity. In case you don’t get it, that’s a seeing-eye dog (you can tell by the square frame he’s wearing) taking time out to be loved by Pluto. Wish I could hang this picture up everywhere! Take time out of your day to be something special to someone else.
even a stranger
It’s not that hard!
You wanna know what’s hard? I’ll tell you what’s hard: sitting down at this computer and making 500 (more or less) people laugh! Now THAT’s hard!
Okay, nah, I’m kidding. It isn’t really. I’ve got the best side gig in the world right here. Who else can say that they can talk to 500 of their closest friends, every day, and share a laugh, a tear or get pissed off together?
What a great life!
Gas just hit $4.17 a gallon here yesterday! Are all the predictions coming true? It was said after the last bout of high gas prices that the next time, no one was going to bitch when gas got all the way to $5 a gallon. And it’s on its way and I don’t hear a single friggin’ word out of anyone! What the heck campers! It is time for us to drill for oil in our own country! We are way too reliant on the rest of the world, who are basically holding us hostage, over a barrel of oil! I don’t like a gun pointed at me, even when it is shaped like a gas pump!
I’m gonna get a crap load of static on this one but “Screw the environmentalists who are standing in the way of us having our own oil supply”! Why the hell are we keeping our country pristine for the Chinese when they foreclose on the loans we have with them and they walk in and take it all over?
Here’s the deal. We drill for oil, safely and cleanly, like we already do so many places now. We get gas down to a buck a gallon (it’s like 50¢ a gallon over in the Arabic, oil producing countries) but we charge $1.50. Okay the actual price of the gas is going to be … let’s say 75¢, then we dedicate another 25¢ strictly for environmental issues due to the drilling for oil in our own country. With that much money involved, the tree huggers of the world would be able to do a lot of good, so that issue is handled and then the other 50¢ a gallon goes toward getting the monkey off our back.
Which monkey? Take your pick.
our reliance on fossil fuels for power
our OWN hungry, homeless and needy people.
Okay, you guys will not be charged for that rant. It was an extra, a freebie, done on the spur of the moment when I saw the above picture and the price of gas yesterday….and nobody has said a friggin’ word.
Or maybe I’m just not paying attention.
Yeah, that’s what it probably is.
APPARENTLY ‘REAL’ RESIGNATION LETTERS I do believe we need to take the word “apparently” at face value….
An offer of 1 million pounds plus free sex with a page three girl could not convince me to stay with your company. A position of junior goat herder in Mongolia would be a more positive career step, than staying here. What a shame. Our group have worked well,
but, yet have been criminally overlooked.
Finally: If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
Dear Unpersonable B*tch
As per the piece of crap I signed on my first day of this dreaded job, I hereby give 2 minutes notice of my intention to leave this awful company. I want to thank you for all you have not done for me in my employment here. It has been sheer torture working for you and representing this crappy company. It is now time for me to move on and I have accepted a position as a garbage person. This decision was quite easy and took little consideration. However, I am confident that this new role represents a step up from this
piece of crap job. I wish the company would go to pieces and hope one day you too will realize that you cannot manage your way out of a paper bag.
Glad to be gone,
I would like to confirm my status as the latest rodent to vacate your increasingly leaky vessel.
Please take note of the fact that I am hereby tendering my resignation from, effective, September 1, 2000. While I have a high degree of personal respect for you and the opportunities you have offered me, I am no longer comfortable working for a technology
organization largely populated by politocrats, vengeful rivalries, and fiefdoms reminiscent of imperial Chinese literature.
In fact, I dare say that I would rather be tied in a leather bag with ravenous, rabid ocelots than remain at this company any longer than the next two weeks. It was my sincere hope that the reptilian extraterrestrial tyrants who clandestinely own and operate the Technology Group would reveal themselves during my tenure here, but it appears they are far cannier then I ever gave them credit for. Hopefully, their insidious plot to befoul the American financial industry with foolish and ill-advised technology policies will eventually be revealed, but until then it seems their plans may march on uncontested. I give you due credit, for choosing to remain here to fight this hideous alien menace from within.
God’s speed, and may the Force be with you. Sincerely,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of “cut and paste” for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at.
Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is “I prefer not to comment.” I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your “favorites list”, which I conveniently saved when you made me “back up” your useless
files. I do believe that terms like “Lolita” are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to “take pictures of your mothers b-day”, you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.) Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never mess with your sys admin, because they know what you do with all your free time.
This one has been published many times before, but it is well worth repeating in that we can never, ever find enough good to write about sex:
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when woman make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It’s more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don’t need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the body endorphin into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
Okay, there are SO MANY tremendously perfect lines that go with this picture, that I couldn’t just limit myself to just one…so I’ll leave it up to you, the reader to supply the answers. Anyone who would like to submit a response can do so by writing to ME at email@example.com
Oh, and I have to add to this (just before publication) I DID NOT make this picture. It was sent to me with the wording.
Tee Hee Hee!
From the MatadorNetwork
During my undergraduate studies as a Linguistics major, one of the things that struck me most is the amazing fluidity of language. New words are created; older words go out of style. Words can change meaning over time, vowel sounds shift, consonants are lost or added and one word becomes another. Living languages refuse to be static.
The following words have sadly disappeared from modern English, but it’s easy to see how they could be incorporated into everyday conversation.
Verb trans. – “To confuse, jumble” – First of all this word is just fun to say in its various forms. John Locke used the word in a 1692 publication, writing “I fear, that the jumbling of those good and plausible Words in your Head..might a little jargogle your Thoughts…” I’m planning to use it next time my husband attempts to explain complicated Physics concepts to me for fun: “Seriously, I don’t need you to further jargogle my brain.”
Verb intr. – “To take one’s pleasure, enjoy oneself, revel, luxuriate” – Often I feel the word “enjoy” just isn’t enough to describe an experience, and “revel” tends to conjure up images of people dancing and spinning around in circles – at least in my head. “Deliciate” would be a welcome addition to the modern English vocabulary, as in “After dinner, we deliciated in chocolate cream pie.”
Verb trans. – “To scrape together; to gather together from various sources” – I’m sure this wasn’t the original meaning of the word, but when I read the definition I immediately thought of copy-pasting. Any English teacher can picture what a corraded assignment looks like.
Verb intr. – “To laugh loudly” – This Middle English word sounds like it would do well in describing one of those times when you inadvertently laugh out loud while reading a text message in class and manage to thoroughly embarrass yourself.
Adj. – “Apt to be a subject of jest or mockery” – This word describes a person, thing or situation that is likely to be the butt of jokes. Use it when you want to sound justified in poking fun at someone. “How could I resist? He’s just so ludibrious.”
Noun – “Addiction to bloodshed” – Could be a useful word for history majors and gamers, as in “Genghis Khan was quite the sanguinolent fellow” or “Do you think spending six hours a day playing Postal 2 actually fosters sanguinolency?”
Noun – Slang phrase used in the late 18th century to describe a “fat person” – Although I’m not sure whether this word was used crudely or in more of a lighthearted manner, to me it sounds like a nicer way to refer to someone who is overweight. “Fat” has such a negative connotation in English, but if you say “He’s a bit of a jollux” it doesn’t sound so bad!
Adj. – “Dismal” – This adjective is from Scots and may be derived from an old Irish word that refers to the wrinkling of one’s brow. An 1826 example of its use is “He looketh malagrugorous and world-wearied.” I’m tempted to also make the word into a noun: “Stop being such a malagrug!”
Verb – “To quarrel about trifles; esp. to quarrel noisily, brawl, squabble” – Brabble basically means to argue loudly about something that doesn’t really matter, as in “Why are we still brabbling about who left the dirty spoon on the kitchen table?” You can also use it as a noun: “Stop that ridiculous brabble and do something useful!”
Verb intr. – “To move swiftly or nimbly” – I can think of a lot of ways to use this one, like “I hate it when I’m frecking through the airport and other people are going so slow.”
Noun – “A drinking bout; a spree or ‘binge’” – Brannigan was originally a North American slang word, but it is now rarely used. “Shall we go for a brannigan on Friday?” can be a more sophisticated way to discuss such activities.
Noun – “Use of more words than are necessary; redundancy or superfluity of expression” – A useful word for editors: “Thanks for your 4,000-word submission. Unfortunately there is too much perissology in this piece for us to publish it.”
Noun – “The action of shaking to and fro” – This can also be used in verb form, to quagswag, and is pronounced like “kwag swag.” It could definitely work as the name for a new type of dance, or possibly serve as an alternate way to describe a seizure.
Noun – “A fool, simpleton, noodle, blockhead” – This one doesn’t need any explanation as to how you could use it; you may already have someone in mind who fits the description.
Noun – “A too earnest desire after drink.” – “Bibesy” may have been completely made up in the 18th century and it’s unclear whether it ever made it into common use, but it could easily be used today: “Wedding guests waited anxiously for the bar to open; bibesy should be expected after such a long, dull service.”
Noun – A 17th-century word meaning “continual writing” – Matadorians taking part in this year’s National Novel Writing Month are getting good practice at scriptitation!
Noun – “A state of mental disturbance or confusion” – I can start using this obsolete Scottish word right away: “While working on writing my thesis, I find I am constantly in widdendream.”
Adj. – An Old English and Middle English word meaning “careless, heedless, negligent” – Pronounced as “yeem-lis,” this is another word that could prove useful for teachers around the world: “Handing in messy and incomplete work just shows me you are being yemeles, and I won’t hesitate to give you a zero for the assignment.”
Noun – “Twilight” – Used in the early 17th century, “twitter-light” sounds like a romantic way to refer to the hours as the sun goes down.
Adj. – “Alluring, enticing, attractive” – Alright, so at first this word kind of sounds a way to describe something diseased, but if you put the stress on the second syllable for emphasis, it does sound like a compliment: “That girl was so illecebrous; I’ve got to figure out how to see her again.”
Then she came to Little Pauly, who had drawn a bearded old man driving an old car. In the back seat were two passengers, both naked. The teacher said, “It’s an interesting picture, Pauly, but which Bible story does it tell?”
Little Pauly seemed surprised at the question and said, “Well, it says in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury. And THAT is a ’59 Plymouth Fury, just like grampa’s!”
ST. PETERSBURG, Fla (Reuters) – Helen Staudinger, 92, wanted a kiss.
But authorities say after her 53-year-old neighbor refused, the central Florida woman aimed a semi-automatic pistol at his house and fired four times.
“If my head would have been over just a little bit further, (a bullet) probably would have hit me in the back of the head,” the neighbor, Dwight Bettner, told Reuters.
Staudinger remained in jail on Tuesday, a day after being arrested on charges of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and shooting into a dwelling. Her next court date is April 26.
The case of the kiss that wasn’t occurred in Fort McCoy, Florida, about 20 miles northeast of Ocala.
Bettner, a former law enforcement officer and boilermaker, said his elderly neighbor has seemed attracted to him since he moved in six months ago. He’s not sure why.
“I’ve taken her trash out for her, just neighborly stuff,” Bettner said. “I guess she just took that as something else.”
He told Marion County Sheriff’s deputies that Staudinger threatened to shoot him recently when he told her he had a girlfriend but didn’t follow through.
Just after noon on Monday, Bettner argued with Staudinger when she came to his house and refused to leave, according to an incident report.
“I want a kiss before I leave,” Bettner said Staudinger told him.
No, he said.
“Just go back to your property, and leave me alone,” Bettner recalled saying.
Bettner was on the phone with his father when he heard gunshots moments later. One bullet went through a window, spraying him with glass.
Staudinger told deputies that she fired at Bettner’s new Mitsubishi 3000GT, a car “that he loved so much,” the incident report said.
Bettner said on Tuesday that he would probably move out of his rented home.
“I just don’t need the stress or the hassle,” he said. “I thought this only happened to younger people.”
Wow, talk about your sex crazed senior citizen. I don’t blame him at all for moving because it could only go downhill from there. It’s not like you can ignore someone who can actually come and stand on your front door step…with a gun. If she was aiming for the car and hit the house, she’s even more of a danger to the neighborhood! Time to get out and find somewhere else to live….before she gets released from jail!
Well my little niece came out and told everyone that my sister was in the tub “drowning the cat!”
My brother said, “Mel, we don’t evem have a cat!”
The young girl said, “Well, Mommy told me that is what she was doing.”
She’d told the girl awhile ago, that when anybody asks about a certain area of her body, that was her ‘cat!’
The neice figured that, since her Mom was in the tub, thats what she was doing! “Drowning the cat!”
live the longest.
Ain’t it the truth! Just got the littlest dragon’s latest report card (straight A’s) and she’s upset because the kids are supposed to get their parents to sign the card and send it back and I won’t do it. It doesn’t matter that I’ve spoken to her teacher and she says that we don’t have to, that rule is for the kids who really DON’T want to show their parents their report card. She thinks it still has to go back. Are you kidding me? I’m saving all those fantastic report cards for when she complains to me about how tough it is, I can shake this under her nose and say, “Look kid! It’s worth it! You’re making your old man happy as can be!” I did ask her teacher about the kids taking responsibility for their grades and she admitted that most parents blame the teachers and not the kids. What a shame. What an absolute shame. That damn entitlement mentality rearing its ugly head.
I attended electronics college for a 20-month course, leaving with my Associate Degree. One day in lab class, my partner decided he knew enough about circuitry to screw with a breadboard design by himself. The result was that he managed to get his hands across the 1350 volt oscilloscope vacuum tube leads, knocking him off his chair several feet. When my prof asked what happened, I told him, “Dave thought he was an engineer. Turns out he was only a conductor.”
And in the category of oldie, but goodie….
A CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE hits Mexico . Two million Mexicans die and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn’t know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France ) is
sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.
God Bless America !!!!
When they say, that a picture is worth a thousand words, as we were speaking about earlier, what words is this one saying? If you can’t read between the lines here, you need to go get some serious help.
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. “Follow me son” the father shark said to the son as they swam to the mass of people.
“First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.”
And they did.
“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.”
And they did.
“Now we eat everybody.”
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”
His wise father replied, “Because they taste better without the shit inside!”
And yet another, oldie, but goodie and absolutely tremendous advice!
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty jam jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2″ in diameter. He then asked the students if the jam jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children – things that if everything
else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff.”
“If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.” Take care of the rocks first – the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”
But then… A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is: that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for a BEER.
on wheels that can be moved in or out of town as desired. This
ingenious city of the future is known as a trailer park.” –Conan
You gotta love kids!
The Bible According to Kids
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)
– In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
– Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
– Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.
– Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
– The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
– Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
– Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
– Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
– The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
– Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.
– The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
– The seventh commandment is “Thou shalt not admit adultery”.
– Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
– Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
– The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
– David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
– Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
– When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
– Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.
– Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.
– St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
– Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.
– He also explained that “Man does not live by sweat alone”.
– It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
– The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles.
– The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
– One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
– St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
– A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
And in the category of: “The Wrath of God!”…..the nominees are:
The only voices you hear are speaking Japanese, and the only other things heard are sirens and the sound of the water. AMAZING!
Seeing the end of this video puts the FORCE of the tsunami into prospective. WOW!!!
The photographer has to keep moving up the stairs as the rushing ocean continues to rise and move everything by on up the hill and into the countryside.
Stick with this video. Things get worse at the end.
Puts perspective on the power of water.
Why is it that just about any website I go to, even my own bank, has a button as a way to donate MY money to help out the people in Japan? Okay, now I don’t deny that those people need help, truly I don’t. But why is it that we don’t have a button to help out our own people?
What kind of buttons should we have?
What kind of easy donate $10 text message should we have? You know, send the word “help” to this number to automatically have $10 put on your phone bill to help ancient red panda bears in North Jersey or something.
Here’s some that I’d like to see:
Clicks on a website to help pay for drug tests for support recipients
Text the word “FENCE” on your cell phone and your $10 donation will add another foot, to the fence between the US and Mexico
(I’m NOT taking anything from the worthy charities who do this now) how about $1 little paper Dollar Bills at the checkout stand and every dollar gets donated to lower the national debt
Clicks for better tornado sirens in poor counties
Text “READ” to donate a buck for literacy
An advertisement in the shape of a bullet and every little paper one you buy sends a real one to the military…or to the border patrol…or the coast guard…and we protect and close down our own borders FIRST!
Oil exploration in our own country (could be a little oil well and every time you click on it, it spurts a little cartoon oil drop out of the top)
Community storm shelters for people who live in trailer parks and don’t have anywhere to hide in a storm. (Before you start going off on trailer park people, sometimes that’s the BEST they can afford and they are trying to do the very best they can for their families. Okay, so other times they’re just trash, but we’ll only help the good ones cause the other ones are gonna be drunk anyway)
Mrs Dragon says she’d like to have a button for donations for shirts for people who shouldn’t got shirtless or the proper sized pants for “plumbers” with butt cracks showing.
I want one to help develop a device that you can aim at cars driving by your house at all hours of the day and night with that stupid bass booming. What a total and complete lack of respect for other people. One quick shot and the speakers melt.
The Littlest Dragon says she would like to have “clicks for maids”. Every click you give goes towards paying a maid to spend time cleaning a deserving nine-year-old’s bedroom. Now, we’ll have to go through and change that after she turns 10.
What kind of text messages, buttons to click would YOU like to see? Remember that address up farther that was for sending in the quotes for the picture? Use the same address to tell me what buttons you’d like to see. But, do me a favor and kind of put something in the subject line to let me know what you’re talking about. It will make it easier for me in the long run. That’s: firstname.lastname@example.org
Have a GREAT DAY my campers!