Today’s issue of Dragon Laffs is brought to you by…
<drum roll with trumpets and flourishes>
The Royal Advisor and Secretary of Dragon and Human affairs to Her Royal Highness, Queen Tiamat I, and your humble servant Impish Dragon!
<Applause, Applause>
Thank you!  Thank you very much!  Thank you!

Okay, so what do you think?  Kind of a grand opening wasn’t it?  Although I admit that I feel kind of like a late-night TV host or something with that kind of opening.  Anyway, nothing to do for it, so let’s press on, shall we?

Three out of the four Pan-Asian Dragons still seem to be annoyed with me.  What of the fourth one you say?
Well, honestly, I’m not really sure, but it seems that some directions were given wrong or something and he ended up being somewhere we shouldn’t have been and we ended up with a particularly nice buffet for lunch at D&LL Enterprises.  The Sushi was exceptional.

Nothing but Laffs for you today, folks.  We could go on and on politically like we have been and like we will again in the future, I’m sure.  But for right now, let’s use the laughter to brighten up our weekend!

Okay, so really, I’ve been under the weather for the past couple of days and I have to go to work this morning, so the time I allotted for my opening and my Last Word got swept up and I ran out of time.  Sorry about that.  Now…

This is truly amazing!  Watch the whole thing.

Okay, I gotta ask…could this possibly be real?

Well, I guess it’s gonna be one of those issues folks.  The videos just keep coming.  Here’s a spoof that’s just a little too real for comfort!

 

And speaking of being too real for comfort… and yeah, I know we’ve probably seen it before…still…

Japan says “Thank You”

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=SS-sWdAQsYg&vq=medium

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and “flipped” the woman off.

“Man, that guy is stupid,” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here’s why……….

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That’s 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass everyday.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females.

That’s 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That’s 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That’s 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That’s 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That’s 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? … I think not.

Okay, so this one is pretty old and faded, but it’s still one of my favorite jokes of all times…mostly because I didn’t see the ending coming.

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they’ll be admitted to Heaven.  Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says,’Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see
them every day,for eternity.’
The Angel thanks Dolly,and asks Her Majesty the same question.The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, ‘OK, your Majesty, you may go in.’
Dolly is outraged and asks,’What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!  Would you explain that to me?’
‘Sorry, Dolly,’ says the Angel, ‘but even in Heaven, A Royal Flush beats a Pair —no matter how big they are!

 

 

 

This one is kind of an oldie, too.  But the delivery is perfect…

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, ‘Well, then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!’

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ‘Well, little lady, why don’t you go give it a try?’

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. 

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.  With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in
amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.  Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration: Son of a bitch!! THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT, TOO!

Man Flu vs. Woman Flu – The Facts…

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.

*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

2. Man-Flu is not ‘just a cold’. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognized as a ‘Mild Girly Sniffle’ – which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.

4. Men do not ‘moan’ when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.

5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it.

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonizing symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.

9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting ‘lady medicines’ like Lemsip, so don’t bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.

10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying ‘Diagnosis Murder’ it is a commonly recognized medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke’s voice has remarkable soothing powers.

Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we’ll beat this monstrous disease together.

A guy is driving around the back woods of  Minnesota and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘.  He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. 

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 

‘You talk?’ he asks. 

‘Yep,’ the Lab replies. 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’ 

The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. 

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’ 

‘I was one of their most valuable agents for eight years running . . . 

  But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’  ‘I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.

‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

‘Because he’s a Bullshitter.  He’s never been out of the yard’ 

 

 

 

It’s raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn’t reindeer.

I used to work as a trapeze artist. Until I was let go.

My train of thought was just derailed.

Night watchmen never work a day in their lives.

My doctor operated on the wrong side of my brain. I have  half a mind to sue him.

Forklift operators do not care for puns – they find them unpalletable.

how about a couple of quickies to end the day?

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.  I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did …. she’s 21 and her name’s Lucy.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.  Locals were shouting “pedophile!” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50.  It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.  I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year!  You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”

Just been to the gym. They’ve got a new machine in.  Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.  It’s great though. It provides me with everything I need – KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot..”

Question – Are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said “I am not understanding the question please.”

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries.

A man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead”. The operator says, “How do you know?” He says “The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said she would like to come back as a cow.  I said, “You obviously haven’t been listening.”

My wife has been missing a week now.  The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children’s-oriented iPod after realizing that “iTouch Kids” is not a good product name.

There’s a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan .  I said we’d love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

 

 Well in a weeks time here in SE Texas we gone from severe drought conditions, to only moderate drought conditions with severe flooding as a bonus and are actually 4 inches of precipitation ahead of where we normally should be! All of these developments occurred during what was supposed to be a drier than normal winter for us!

What this all proves to me is the “weather-guessers” not only do not have a clue despite their claims to the contrary but they have one of the few legal employment rackets there is. Seriously, where else can you be wrong more often than you are right, do that publically in front of thousands who depend on you for accurate info and yet still keep your job?

Speaking of those who get into trouble constantly but get to keep their jobs, Impish as you red Saturday is free and (presumably) safe once again (at least for the moment). I kind of doubt the saga is over however as those responsible have yet to be identified and are probably feeling quite safe and smug at the moment.

However we have a little more even footing now, we know they are liberals who will stop at nothing to silence us. Still picking on dimwitted dweeb dragons to protect an usurper of the Presidency and keep themselves in the drivers seat to socialism for another four years is going too far. It infringes on Impish’s civil right of free speech and his American citizenship’s obligation to question the action of our government.

 

I’m on to you Impish! Terrance! Impish is screwing off again!

 

 

I was working out in the gym

 

when I spotted a sweet young thing…

I asked the trainer who was nearby, “What machine should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?”
The trainer looked me up and down and said “try the ATM in the lobby.”

 

Some people are just plain stupid !

Filmed in Estes Park, Colorado…

CLICK ON: Big Game

 

 

 

Vitaminwater=Snakeoil

Coca-Cola claims that its Vitaminwater is so good for you that it will improve you immune functions, reduce risk of chronic disease and other miracles.

But a federal judge gave the go ahead for the Center for Science in the Public Interest to continue with its suit claiming the ads are deceptive. No kidding.

Coca-Cola would be better off bringing back the Coke of yesterday that had natural cocaine and it could honestly say it made you feel better. Of course you would then become an addict and your brain would fry, but for a while you would feel better.

Click here to read more about the suit.

 

Tropicana Watered Down To Increase Sales

Hopefully wine distributors don’t follow PepsiCo’s experiment to boost sales of Tropicana by adding water to its new products.

“Some consumers prefer orange juice that’s less thick. Others want juice with the “goodness” of oranges and fewer calories, PepsiCo Global Beverages Chief Massimo D’Amore told Bloomberg News. “And consumers will pay the same — or more — for such versions. They themselves add water before drinking OJ,” D’Amore said. “So why not add the water ourselves and charge for it?”

“PepsiCo’s Tropicana, the best-selling orange juice in the U.S., is trying to regain space in American refrigerators after a repackaging fiasco three years ago hurt the brand and allowed Coca-Cola Co. to outflank it. The brand lost market share last year to Coca-Cola’s Minute Maid and Simply Orange brands. Instead of trying to match Coca-Cola step-for-step in the 100-percent orange-juice category, D’Amore is focusing on products with less juice, more innovation and, therefore, higher profit margins. Trop50, a 42 percent orange juice using a natural stevia-based low-calorie sweetener, has been a bright spot for the brand. Tropicana also will target Hispanic consumers with new juice drinks and blends.”

 

POM Wonderful: Not So Says FTC In Crackdown On Pomegranate Claims

As part of its crackdown on unsubstantiated claims made by food companies of health benefits, the Federal Trade Commission is now targeting firms that sell Pomegranate products.

The FTC is accusing makers of POM Wonderful 100% Pomegranate juice and POMx supplements with making “false and unsubstantiated claims that their products will prevent or treat heart disease, prostate cancer, and erectile dysfunction.”

Six months ago the Food and Drug Administration had warned POM products that its health claims were misleading.

The firms have made claims like  ”Super Health Powers” and “30 Percent Decrease In Arterial Plaque” and “Promotes Healthy Blood Vessels.”

The company claims it has scientific proof behind the claims that its product is almost as good as Viagra. If true a lot of guys could be saving money.

For example, POM claims that its products are 40 percent as effective as Viagra. We’re not sure how they tested that, but the FTC complaint says the study the company relied on actually showed that the juice wasn’t any more effective than a placebo.

The FTC proposes that POM get FDA approval before making any more health claims. That’s not normally required in order to comply with FTC laws. (See FDA’s labeling guidance here.) But in this case, says the FTC, a pre-approval would “provide clearer guidance for the company.”

 

 

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, “Hey old man, can you dance?”

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No son, I don’t dance… never really wanted to”

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old fool, you’re gonna dance now!” and started shooting at the old man’s feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands, as he quietly said;
“Son, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?”

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No sir… but…. I’ve always wanted to”

There are a few lessons for all of us here:

• Don’t be arrogant.
• Don’t waste ammunition.
• Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
• Always make sure you know who is in control.
• And finally, Don’t screw around with us old folk; we didn’t get old by being stupid…

I just love a story with a happy ending, don’t you?

Many Leprechaunish thanks to loyal reader, political Philosophy choir member and contributor Paul Bader for bringing this next piece to my attention.

A Message From The Grey-Haired Brigade

 

They like to refer to us as senior citizens, old fogies, geezers, and in some cases dinosaurs.  Some of us are “Baby Boomers” getting ready to retire.  Others have been retired for some time.

We walk a little slower these days and our eyes and hearing are not what they once were.  We have worked hard, raised our children, worshiped our God and grown old together.

Yes, we are the ones some refer to as being over the hill, and that is probably true.  But before writing us off completely, there are a few things that need to be taken into consideration. In school we studied English, history, math, and science which enabled us to lead America into the technological age. 

Most of us remember what outhouses were, many of us with firsthand experience.

We remember the days of telephone party-lines,

25 cent gasoline, and milk and ice being delivered to our homes.  For those of you who don’t know
what an icebox is, today they are electric and referred to as refrigerators.  A few even remember
when cars were started with a crank.

Yes, we lived those days. We are probably considered old fashioned and out-dated by many.  But there are a few things you need to remember before completely writing us off. 

We won World War II, fought in Korea and Viet Nam.

We can quote The Pledge of Allegiance, and know where to place our hand while doing so.

We wore the uniform of our country with pride and lost many friends on the battlefield.

We didn’t fight for the Socialist States of America, we fought for the “LAND OF THE FREE AND THE HOME OF THE BRAVE!”

We wore different uniforms but carried the same flag.

We know the words to the Star Spangled Banner, America ,and America the Beautiful by heart,
and you may even see some tears running down our cheeks as we sing. 

We have lived what many of you have only read about in history books and we feel no obligation
to apologize to anyone for America.

Yes, we are old and slow these days but rest assured, we have at least one good fight left in us. 

We have loved this country, fought for it, and died for it, and now we are going to save it.  It is our country and nobody is going to take it away from us.  We took oaths to defend AMERICA against all enemies, foreign and domestic, and that is an oath we plan to keep. 

There are those who want to destroy this land we love but, like our founders, there is no way we are going to remain silent. It was mostly the young people of this nation who elected Obama and the Democratic Congress.  You fell for the “Hope and Change” which in reality was nothing but “Hype and Lies.”

You have tasted socialism and seen evil face to face, and have found you don’t like it after all.  You make a lot of noise, but most are all too interested in their careers or “Climbing the Social Ladder” to be involved in such mundane things as patriotism and voting.

Many of those who fell for the “Great Lie” in 2008 are now having buyer’s remorse. With all the education we gave you, you didn’t have sense enough to see through the lies and instead drank the
‘Cool-Aid.’  Now you’re paying the price and complaining about it.  No jobs, lost mortgages, higher taxes, and less freedom.  This is what you voted for and this is what you got. 

We entrusted you with the Torch of Liberty and you traded it for a paycheck and a fancy house. Well, don’t worry youngsters, the Grey-Haired Brigade is here, and in 2012 we are going to take back our nation.

We may drive a little slower than you would like but we get where we’re going, and in 2012 we’re going to the polls by the millions.  This land does not belong to the man in the White House nor to
the likes of Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. It belongs to “We the People”and “We the People” plan to reclaim our land and our FREEDOM!

We hope this time you will do a better job of preserving it and passing it along to our grandchildren.

So the next time you have the chance to say the Pledge of Allegiance, Stand up, put your hand over your heart, honor our country, and thank GOD for the old geezers of the “Grey-Haired Brigade

IN GOD WE TRUST! Author, Anon. Grey-Haired Brigade Member

Footnote:

This is spot on.  I am another Gray-Haired Geezer signing on.

I will circulate this to other Gray-Haired Geezers all over this once great county.

Can you feel the ground shaking???  It’s not an earthquake, it is a STAMPEDE.

Us old geezers are really mad now .  Just you Watch what happens this next election.

Stand with me and let’s put an end to all this madness and fear caused by the young whipper snappers putting a complete imbecile into our White House.

Let’s not stop there,

Let’s replace everyone in the Senate and house of representatives too !

But careful let’s only replace 1/2 this time and 1/2 the next time !

If you are an old grey hair geezer PLEASE join our stampede!

THANK YOU and MAY GOD BLESS AMERICA!

 

Lethal asked his friend, Impish, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine’s Day.

‘Yes,’ came the answer from Impish who was a bit of a present giving dud, ‘I’ve bought her a belt and a bag.’

‘That was very kind of you,’ Lethal said, ‘I hope she appreciated the thought.’

Impish smiled as he replied, ‘So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.’

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit!

SHIT ITALIAN MOMS SAY

 

 

Handgun debate

I have friends on both sides of the handgun issue, those who believe easy access to hand guns is not good for this country and those who believe government has no business dictating ownership one way or the other.

I have gained valuable understanding from both arguments. I have made my final decision.
Certain Americans, especially those who are more likely to become victims of crime, need to own and become proficient with handguns!

Unfortunately I can’t discuss it further right now. It’s my turn to pick up the brass behind the shooting stations.

The Top 5 Features of a REALLY Smart Phone

5> Is able to convince the police that while YOU may be drunk, IT was, in fact, driving your car.
4> Can actually tell which Olsen twin is Mary Kate and which is Ashley.
3> Wingman App: You stammer, “Hi… umm… you’re cutely pretty. I mean, pretty cute.” It translates to “Your beauty has
rendered my owner nearly speechless. You really should kiss him before he says something else really stupid.”
2> Refuses to let you buy a ticket to Dane Cook performances.

and The Number 1 Feature of a REALLY Smart Phone…

1> Posts a status update of “I’m the idiot on the interstate texting on my phone and driving!” to Facebook when, in fact,
you are.

[ Copyright 2012 by Chris White/TopFive.com ]

 

 Cloning Christ, Peter Thomas Senese’s theological thriller now exclusively available on Amazon For Kindle readers asks the question, “What would you do if you were a genomic scientist and you discovered what might be the True Cross of Jesus, and this cross contained blood stains and hair follicles?”

Well I may not be a bloody ‘genomic scientist’ but Begorrah I damned well know EXACTLY what I’d do!

I’d get me a straight from the horse’s mouth definitive answer to that annoying philosophical question the abbreviate the hell out of all over the place “WWJD” (What would Jesus Do). THEN I’d take him to the White House and kick Obama in the balls for posturing like  he’s the messiah returned! Pretty sure I’d get a pass from Jesus on that sin too…unless he wanted to do it to Obama first!

But seriously folks- Mr. Senese, a highly respected child advocate is donating 100% of his e-book royalties to the I CARE Foundation, a non-profit organization dedicated to assisting children who have been internationally abducted. Over the past month, the I CARE Foundation has reunited 4 abducted children with their families while also continuing to build the Department of State‘s ‘Hague Convention Attorney Network’ – a pro bono network of lawyers willing to assist the families of abducted children.

NOT ONLY WILL YOU OBTAIN A GOOD READ, you’ll be helping a worthy cause and helping to protect families and children at the same time.

 

Once upon a time there lived a king.

The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS…

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;

Metal,

Wood,

Stone,

Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,”If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured”.

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king’s wealth…

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .

The second prince brought diamonds. (YES he went to Jerrod’s. YEESH!)

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,�
“Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there”.
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince’s pants?

M&M’s of course!!

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking??!!

Perverts! This blog is populated by nothing but a Dragon constantly intent on debauchery and voyeuristic perverted readers! Makes me sort of proud and feel right at home actually!

  Get out your rattiest shirt and tie on your disposable bibs, today’s recipes are comfort food but definitely not neat to eat. So dig in with gusto and wear those drips, drops and smears you wind up with with nostalgic pride for some good eating gone by!

Ragu Stuffed Peppers

This is a great recipe to make when you’re making extra meat sauce. I sometimes use leftover meatballs. Chop them up and add them to your favorite sauce to make a ragu. You will love the flavors the meat and cheese bring to the peppers. Enjoy!

Ingredients

• 2 red bell peppers
• 2 yellow bell peppers
• 2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
• 3 cups meat sauce
• 1/2 cup couscous
• 1 cup yellow corn
• 3/4 cup Asiago cheese grated (or shredded 4 cheese Italian Blend)
• 4 teaspoons red wine vinegar
• 2 teaspoons parsley
• 2 tablespoons tomato paste
• 3/4 cup water
• salt and pepper

Directions

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees F.

Cut the peppers in half and clean out the seeds and stems.

In a medium bowl mix the meat sauce, couscous, corn, ½ cup of the cheese, 3 tablespoons of the vinegar, parsley, salt and pepper.

Then in a small bowl whisk together the tomato paste, 1 tablespoon of olive oil, vinegar and 3/4 cup water. Add this tomato paste mixture to the bottom of your 9×13 pan.

Place the pepper halves in the 9×13 and fill with the ragu mixture. Add some pepper and the rest of the Asiago cheese to the top. Cover the pan with foil and bake for 20-30 minutes.

Hints

• add some vegetables if you like- diced carrot and celery work well as does onion and frozen (thawed & very well drained ) chopped spinach, small diced zucchini, eggplant, mushrooms or any combo there of.
• use leftover meatballs or sausage to make your ragu  (Yeah I never heard of either of these being leftovers either so I buy/make special for this)
• make ahead and cook when your ready to eat
• green pepper work just as well
• Serve one half of a pepper atop a bed of pasta or on a toasted garlic buttered roll

Spinach Pesto Pasta

Molly doesn’t care for too much Basil in anything which used to mean Pesto was on the forbidden list until I tried this version. Here is a quick and simple dinner for any night. You can make this whole dinner while you boil the water for your pasta. Make the pesto a day or two ahead, warm it up and serve. Also you can freeze the pesto for a later time. Enjoy!

Ingredients

• 2 cups packed spinach leaves
• 1/4 cup pine nuts, toasted
• 2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
• 1 to 2 teaspoons lemon peel, grated
• 1/3 cup olive oil
• Salt and freshly ground black pepper
• 1/3 cup freshly grated Parmesan
• 1 teaspoon onion powder
• 2 cloves garlic
• salt and pepper
• 1 pound pasta cooked

Directions

Combine the spinach, pine nuts, onion powder, garlic, lemon juice, and lemon peel in a processor. Lightly pulse.

With the machine running, gradually add 1/3 cup of the oil, blending until the mixture is creamy. Add salt and pulse.

Transfer the spinach mixture to a medium bowl. Stir in the Parmesan cheese. Season the pesto with salt and pepper, to taste.

Mix the pesto with the cooked pasta and serve.

Hints

• use a little more olive oil if it seems to dry
• walnuts works well if you don’t have pine nuts
• spaghetti seems to work best
• serve with grilled chicken or pork chops if you like
• try tossing it with cheese tortellini or ravioli

Seafood Lasagna

I didn’t have this one in my recipe box and always wanted to make lasagna with seafood. This is a recipe I came up with after studying many seafood lasagna dishes. Scallops and imitation crab keeps the cost down and still gives you a great seafood taste in a creamy sauce. There are many ways to make lasagna and this is yet another version I’m sure you will enjoy!

Ingredients

• 16 ounces ricotta cheese
• 2 eggs
• 2 cups shredded Cheddar cheese
• 2 cup shredded mozzarella cheese
• 1 cup grated Parmesan cheese
• 1 medium onion, minced
• 1 tablespoon minced garlic
• 2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
• 1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
• 2 (16 ounce) jars Alfredo pasta sauce
• 16 lasagna noodles cooked
• 1 tablespoon oil for sautéing
• 1 pound imitation crab meat
• 1 pound small scallops
• 1 cup chopped zucchini squash

Directions

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees.

In a large bowl, stir together the ricotta cheese, eggs, half of the Cheddar, half of the mozzarella cheese and half of the Parmesan cheese. Mix in the onion, garlic, parsley, pepper and zucchini.

Sauté the scallops and crab in 1 tablespoon oil for about 5-6 minutes. Then mix with the Alfredo sauce.

Layer the noodles in the bottom of a 9×13 baking dish. Spread 1/3 of the ricotta cheese mixture over the noodles. Spread 1/3 of the Alfredo sauce mixture over the ricotta mixture. Repeat the layering process two more times ending with sauce on top. Sprinkle the remainder of the cheddar, mozzarella and Parmesan cheeses over the top.

Bake, covered loosely with aluminum foil, for 45 minutes in the preheated oven. Remove the foil and continue baking for an additional 10 minutes or until the top is browned. Let stand for 10 minutes before serving. (If you can wait that long! LOL)

Bourbon Barbecue Sauce Chicken

This is a good down home or southwest spicy sauce you will enjoy on your chicken.  This is a great tailgating chicken dish.

Ingredients

• 1/2 onion, minced
• 4 cloves garlic, minced
• 3/4 cup bourbon whiskey
• 1/2 teaspoon black pepper
• 1/2 tablespoon salt
• 2 cups ketchup
• 1/4 cup tomato paste
• 1/3 cup cider vinegar
• 2 tablespoons liquid smoke flavoring
• 1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
• 1/2 cup packed brown sugar
• 1 teaspoon paprika
• 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
• 6-8 pieces of chicken

Directions

In a medium sauce pan combine the onion, garlic and bourbon. Heat over a medium heat until the onion clears, about 10 minutes. The alcohol should cook out of the bourbon during this process. Remember, add the bourbon to the pan off the stove and keep it away from open flames until the alcohol burns off.

Mix in the ground black pepper, cayenne pepper, paprika, salt, ketchup, tomato paste, vinegar, liquid smoke, Worcestershire sauce, and brown sugar.

Bring to a boil. Reduce heat to medium-low, and simmer for 20 minutes.

Salt and pepper the chicken. Place on a medium high grill, coating each side with the sauce every time you turn the chicken until done.

Hints

• I like to add a little Dijon mustard and horseradish to it and use it on country style pork ribs too.
• does a killer pork loin in the Crockpot-  especially if you make it into pulled pork for sandwiches after its done!

 

Islamist organization, OIC, to partner with U.S. State Department on their anti-Islam defamation goals!

I foolishly thought the OIC had dropped their goals at the UN to make it a crime to criticize anything Islamic.  Now, it appears they negotiated a partnership to do this with the U.S. State Department! This is according to the OIC’s own news agency, the International Islamic News Agency:

     During the next few months, Washington plans to host a coordination meeting to discuss with the Organization of Islamic Cooperation (OIC) how to implement resolution no. 16/18 on combating defamation of religions, and how to prevent stereotypes depicting religions and their followers; as well as disseminating religious tolerance, which has been endorsed by the UN Human Rights Council last March, in agreement with Western countries. The resolution was adopted after lengthy discussions held between the OIC and countries in which the phenomenon of Islamophobia is in the rise.

    The U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had announced the intention of the U.S. State Department to organize a coordination meeting during her participation in the meeting which she co-chaired with the OIC Secretary General, Professor Ekmeleddin Ihsanoglu in Istanbul on 15 July 2011. The meeting issued a joint statement emphasizing the dire need for the implementation of resolution 16/18.

    According to informed sources in the Organization of Islamic Cooperation, the two sides, in addition to other European parties, will hold a number of specialized meetings of experts in law and religion in order to finalize the legal aspect on how to better implement the UN resolution…

Naturally, the article didn’t mention the killing and harm done everyday by those multiple attacks carried out by Islamist extremists worldwide.  If the OIC get their way (with the help of the U.S.?) it would be impossible, possibly criminal, for anyone to complain about anything Islamic, including those attacks.

THE OIC is the world largest Islamist inter-government agency.  It’s Saudi based and backed and seeks a greater role in influencing the world.  Recently, it demanded a seat at the UN Security Council.  It is considered by some a caliphate in the making.

What is not known, at the moment,  is if the U.S. role in all this is accurately described by the OIC’s news agency. If it HAS accurately reported the U.S. role, many believe it to be the sole instance of unbiased accurate news reporting to have taken place in the last decade. Skeptics (and certain Leprechauns) point however to the infinitesimal odds of that likelihood given the overall behavior of the media in the last 10 years.

Also see:

UN Resolution 16/18 adopted WITHOUT a vote in April

http://www.iheu.org/combating-intolerance

 

 

Good Morning Campers…”Well, I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news…” that’s how the last conversation with my legal council started.
“Well,” says I, “let’s have the bad news first.”
”Nope, I’m gonna start with the Good news,” says he.  I sighed.  I really don’t EVER get my own way in the legal department.  It’s a good thing Lethal Leprechaun and Company (I think it’s like Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe.  And I think they’ve added a new guy they just call Big-Time) anyway, it’s a good thing those guys are really good.  So, his-Green-ness tells me, “The good news is that you’ve been released.  Zeus is finishing up the paperwork now and I’ll have you out of there in less than an hour.”  Knowing that the bad is usually bad in the same proportion if not worse than the good, I quietly asked, “And the bad news?”
”Well, her highness, Queen Tiamat hasn’t exactly dropped the charges or ascribed your innocence.  Seems that she wasn’t the one who brought the charges, so all she’s willing to do publicly is to say that her court hasn’t brought any charges against you.  Not that she won’t in the future, but she doesn’t see fit to charge you now.”
”Okay, well that’s not so …”
”It gets worse.”
”Yeah, it always does.”
”She says that she is naming you the official Secretary of Dragon/Human Relations to her most auspicious court.”
”Well, hey!  That’s actually pretty…”
”There’s more…”
”Isn’t there always?”
”Actually, I’m not sure what title she will eventually land on for you, her first suggestion was the Office of Purple Barny-ism for Humans but I think I have her talked out of that one due to copyright laws and such.  I just made the Secretary of Dragon and Human Relations part up to make you feel better.  She wants you to be the warm-fuzzy poster child for dragon-kind.  That means no more pillaging villages, no more naked virgins cavorting around your office and …
I really hate to say this …
No more eating of humans!”
Well, of course at this point I was in tears.  And I really must say at this point, if you are ever full of sorrow and you need a good shoulder to cry on…
”Oh stop your whinging you damn cupcake dragon!”
Don’t choose a Leprechaun for the job.
“I haven’t even told you the bad news yet!”
The conversation continued after I was roused from fainting.
“She released the Chinese Dragons…you know, the ones that were trying to kill ya.”
Another bucket of water splashed in my face at this point to bring me back around.  “I wanna stay with Zeus.”
“I’m afraid that boats already sailed me laddy-buck.  He is grateful to get rid of you, and you’re being charged for the destruction of Hera’s garden.  You paying for that one yourself, by the by.”
Okay, so is it only me, or does everyone now need a laugh?  I sure do!
So….

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of:
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury retired to deliberate.

A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

The jury foreman replied:“Yes, we did look, but your client didn’t.”

This is absolutely amazing.  Turn your sound up and listen to the first video with your eyes closed, then go to the second video and watch it in its entirety!

Okay, so another movie…. this one is called…Psycho Siri!

Let’s Talk about POWER….here’s a great article that Dad sent me from Vito…Now…I’m not sure who Vito is, but you gotta admit, he sounds like the kind of guy you can trust, right?  Come on, am I right?  Anyway, it looks like Vito got it from a website called “Godfather Politics”, with the sub-heading: “It’s not Personal, it’s Politics” If you’d like to go to the site, click on the title of this piece.
Okay, here then is …

It’s Not about Contraceptives – It’s About Power!

“POWER, POWER, POWER, POWER — never forget that it is from a fascination of the limits and manipulations of Power that keep people interested in this book.”  These are words from Francis Ford Coppola’s notebook that he used in preparation for filming of .
If you want to see a microcosm of modern-day politics, The Godfather is the place to start. It has all the characteristics of a government and it only lacks legitimacy.  American politics has gone the way of The Godfather. These days the oath that our representatives took to uphold the Constitution means nothing.

The President’s latest attack on the American people by mandating that employers cover contraception is a blatant attack on the Constitution and the freedom of ALL Americans, not just those who hold a particular religious view on contraception. His so-called compromise that insurance companies pay for birth control pills is one of the most audacious power grabs in the history of government. What’s next?

It doesn’t take a Rocket Scientist to realize that the insurance companies will pass on their cost of paying for contraception by increasing their premiums!!!

Obama has just required the banks to reduce mortgage for those that cannot afford mortgages and are poor risks.  Next, will grocery store owners be required to give milk and bread away free to people who claim a need? Will contractors have to give one home in ten away free to families that can’t afford to purchase one?  The current government is already doing a lot of this through wealth confiscation and distribution.

The following is from Dr. Kevin Clauson, Professor of Politics & Government and Director of the William Jennings Bryan Center for Law and Public Policy.

“Have I missed something regarding this controversy over free contraceptive coverage in employee health care insurance policies ? Now the President has said those employers who object on religious grounds don’t have to but the insurance companies still have to provide it. I’m still mystified. WHY HAS NO ONE (THAT I’VE HEARD) POINTED OUT WHAT I THINK IS OBVIOUS: WHY SHOULD THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT BE ABLE TO REQUIRE EITHER AN EMPLOYER OR AN INSURER TO COVER ANYTHING, ESPECIALLY FOR “FREE” (AND REMEMBER “THERE AIN’T NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH” — ALL INSURED FOLKS WILL HAVE TO ABSORB THE COST) ?

It is blatantly unconstitutional! Why should any “group” get special favors by government? (And by the way, what do contraceptives have to do with “women’s health”? When I think of health I think of cancer or heart disease or diabetes. NOT a contraceptive provision.) There is no law prohibiting the provision and purchase of contraceptives. Indeed why should any government be involved in health care provision at all ? The “religious liberty/conscience” argument is not illegitimate; but it does obscure the BIGGER issue. The federal government has no Constitutional authority to mandate any kind of insurance or insurance coverage, let alone at no cost (supposedly).”

The only good that can come out of free contraceptives is that enough liberals buy and use them. I would be willing to pay for that myself.

IIs there a fund I can contribute to?

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don’t miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play..
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends
B. I’m not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

And speaking of power….who’d have guessed that our dear old Archie Bunker would turn out to be such a powerful prophet?

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
~~
RAISIN: A grape with a sunburn.
~~
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
~~
Define JITTERBUG: A nervous insect.
~~
Define “ACCORDION”: An instrument whose music is long drawn out.
~~
Algorithm: The former vice president playing the drums.

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story:

“In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.”

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say “congrats”.

But, none of them come and touch the man’s penis and say “Good job”.

Moral of the story:

“Hard work is never appreciated”

Some of these actually hurt my head…

After the carpet store burned down, only remnants remained.

Did you hear of the story about the tornado? There is a twist at the end.

Why do golfers carry an extra pairs of trousers with them?
In case they get a hole in one.

The weatherman who forecasted snow in July was a bit of a flake.

Do you know how winter coats are insulated? They are down loaded.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!” he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?’ he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, “Well….last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.”

The next time you’re at your favorite

Fast Food Restaurant, remember that

this is how a bacon cheeseburger is

made…

Today’s Last Word…is quick and easy and is going to leave you … all of you who, like me, seem to be attached to the rest of the world through an umbilical cord…Answer this question:

I know, right?
And just so you know, I’m still looking for a safe house!

Good Morning Readers!

Wonder if I have over done my point to Impish as yet?

NAH! When it comes to him getting a message he does want to hear through his thick skull, it seems as hard as spent uranium and as think as battleship armor.

Speaking of the dense one, there has been some progress finally in the bid to clear our beloved(?) fugitive’s name with the Queen of the Dragons after a very dangerous (to my health) but productive breakfast meeting with her last Friday as a result of some legal maneuvers. Look for another update on these latest Impish related events Saturday as he wants to tell you himself

Yesterday as I’m sure you are all aware was Valentine’s Day while many of you sport that self satisfied smug “Oh MAN did I get me some last night!” expression this morning, I see several of you looking rather bleary eyed and favoring you backs which tell me you spent the night on the couch…again. You poor wretches! Haven’t you learned YET that jewelry cover just about any occasion? For Valentine’s Day just place the aforesaid jewelry in a box of good quality chocolates and you needed even gift wrap it!

If I don’t get mine soon I might go to war with Obama & the Liberals !

 Shave and a Haircut

Impish walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, Impish tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does”.

 

Ok so I guess my having to pay up on my bet with Impish over the Super Bowl last week COULD have been a LOT worse. I mean look at what “Extra” television host Maria Menounos had to endure to pay her bet off!

Maria Menounos Rocks Skimpy Giants Bikini After Losing Super Bowl Bet

Maria Menounosis a woman of her word!

The 33-year-old Extra co-host wore a skimpy red, white and blue Giants bikini in New York City’s Times Square Monday. The reason? She lost a Super Bowl XLVI bet to colleague AJ Calloway, 37, after wagering that the New England Patriots would win. (The New York Giants beat Tom Brady‘s team in a 21-17 victory).

Read more: http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/maria-menounos-rocks-skimpy-giants-bikini-after-losing-super-bowl-bet-201272#ixzz1lp85msSs

And for all you guys who are currently involved in shorting out their keyboards with drool over that bikini (one reason I make sure Impish only has waterproof sealed ones) go here:

http://www.chron.com/superbowl/article/Maria-Menounos-loses-bet-wears-Giants-bikini-in-3076989.php#photo-2280601

for more shots of her in it you perverts!

Speaking of the Super Bowl, last week I mentioned the high-jacking of Clint Eastwood’s supposed to be patriotically hopeful and upbeat ad by Obama’s Media Terrorists. I also confessed my dislike of Rush Limbaugh, but admitted he might have a valid point about Clint having gotten deliberately hosed on the commercial. Well ( Lord Above have sweet mercy) here I go again for the second week in a row saying good on ya Rush! This time it’s for this Youtube video:

If there is a loving merciful god that’s the last time I will have to say ANYTHING approvingly with regards to Rush Limbaugh for the remainder of the year!

 

# How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? – On the rocks

# What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? – Leeks

# What’s the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? – Follow the captain

# When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied “off course.”

# So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That’s more than can be said for his ship.

# I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises. Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.

# The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi’s last hooker.

# What’s the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia? Nothing – The bottoms dropped out of both.

Cell Phones and ‘ICE’

Faithful reader and contributor K-Squared send this tip in that might or might not prove helpful in the even you have an emergency and are unable to speak for yourself. See my response to him with my take as someone involved as a First Responder and EMS instructor for many years at the end for another suggestion.

This is a standard procedure all Paramedics follow at the scene of an accident when they come across your cell phone..

We all carry our mobile phones with names & numbers stored in its memory but nobody, other than ourselves, knows which of these numbers belong to our closest family or friends.

If we were to be involved in an accident or were taken ill, the people attending us would have our mobile phone but wouldn’t know who to call. Yes, there are hundreds of numbers stored but which one is the contact person in case of an Emergency? Hence this ‘ICE’ (In Case of Emergency) Campaign.
The concept of ‘ICE’ is catching on quickly. It is a method of contact during emergency situations. As cell(mobile) phones are carried by the majority of the population, all you need to do is store the number of a contact person or persons who should be contacted during an Emergency under their name with ‘ICE’ ( In Case Of Emergency) as a prefix.
The idea was thought up by a Paramedic who found that when he went to the scenes of accidents, there were always mobile phones with patients, but they didn’t know which number to call. He therefore thought that it would be a good idea if there was a nationally recognized name for this purpose. In an emergency situation, Emergency Service personnel and hospital Staff would be able to quickly contact the right person by simply dialing the number you have stored with ‘ICE’ as a prefix.

For more than one contact name simply enter ICE1, ICE2, and ICE3 etc. A great idea that will make a difference !

Let’s spread the concept of ‘ICE’ by storing an ‘ICE’ number in our Mobile phones today !

Please forward this. It won’t take too many ‘forwards’ before everybody will know about this.

It really could save your life, or put a loved one’s mind at rest.

‘ICE’ will speak for you when you are not able to !

Well yeah this works and arguably works well but there IS one big unmentioned IF in this…

For them to have access you have to carry our cell phone (now largely smart phones) with all you personal data, embarrassing pictures banking access info and the like UNLOCKED. We are constantly bombarded by warnings to the contrary and graphic demonstrations via the news why this is so unwise and unsafe a practice.

The old fashions LOW TECH & OLD SCHOOL way is still the best. Wear the info around your neck. You can get a single dog tag from kiosks in many places for as little a $5 and you program the info you want engraved on it yourself. ALL medical personnel are trained to do what’s known as the neck sweep (finger inside the collar until it reaches clavicle and then around the back of neck to the other side looking for a neck chain with a medical alert tag.

Another good reason for doing this is accidents tend to separate people from things like purses, briefcases, cell phones etc. Sometimes this happens with a great deal of force and distance. Its a sad fact that less than scrupulous bystanders have been known to steal from victims before Police, Fire or Medical Responders can even arrive. You can also be robbed and seriously injured in the process and have no valuables (including cell phone) when help arrives.

I’m not saying this is a BAD idea but I am saying they you should not necessarily bet your life on this plan you need to have an already tried and proven to work well backup plan in addition.

GuessTheSpot.Com – How Well Do You Know Landmarks?

Several photos from planes, can you guess where?

<http://www.guessthespot.com/index.php?cat_id=3>

K-Squared who sent this in and I both missed 4 each. Can you do better?

Bottle of Wine
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it’s a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers; the woman says, “So you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days”.
Flattered, the man replies, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God! But your still at fault…women shouldn’t be allowed to drive.”
The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cork back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police….”

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don’t mess with us.

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. (Just remember as your financial advisor I get 30% for the advice.)

Watch for these business consolidations in 2012:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally….
9. Victoria’s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

Here is a preview of the first product coming out of the Victoria’s Secret/Smith & Wesson merger:

A-cup available in derringer only. DD and above available in hand cannon and machine pistol!

Certainly puts a whole new twist on the phrase “Go ahead… make my day”

Speaking of handguns and storing them securely here’s a low tech anti car jacking device I recently installed.

Gives me the warm and fuzzies all over when I climb in to go out!

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he’s liable to break something, but the boy continues. Johnny!” Mom screams. “Knock it off.” You’re going to break something.

He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store…He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it..

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she’s finished, she looks down and can’t believe what she’s seeing. She’s not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he’ll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

“Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?” she asks.

He says, “I’ve been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I’ve ever actually seen a fart!”

You’re laughing aren’t you …I know you are!!!

I CAN HEAR YOU LAUGHING!

Because I couldn’t make up my mind you get a twofer today!

Revised Miranda Warning According to Obama and the Liberals

Tax Cut Figures for Thought

Salary of retired US Presidents ………….$180,000 FOR LIFE  <<==  Plus security for life & part of costs of Presidential Library.
Salary of House/Senate ……………………..$174,000 FOR LIFE   <<==  This is bloody stupid & an abuse of power.
Salary of Speaker of the House ………….$223,500 FOR LIFE   <<== This is bloody stupid & an abuse of power.
Salary of Majority/Minority Leaders …. $193,400 FOR LIFE  <<== This is bloody stupid & an abuse of power.
Average Salary of a teacher …………….. $40,065  <<==  This is a sodding CRIME!
Average Salary of Soldier…………………. $38,000 (DEPLOYED IN AFGHANISTAN )  <<== This is a fecking INSULT!

I think we bloody well found where the first sodding round of cuts should be buggering well made!

Driving L.L. Bean’s giant boot-mobile

  CNNMoney’s Peter Valdes-Dapena climbs behind the wheel of L.L. Bean’s enormous duck boot truck. In case you’re curious, it’s a size 747.

Impish:  (Thinking he’s devised a fresh approach to getting lucky) “Darling do I please you in bed?”

Mrs.. Dragon: “Yes I’m particularly fond of that thing you with your mouth.”

Impish:  (Positive his plan is working like a charm now) “Oh? What thing? “

Mrs.. Dragon: “The one where you shut the hell up and go to sleep!”

I could never read sheet music…’Til now!!

 

Begorrah! Will Ye be lookin’ at the likes o’ that! I finally remembered ta make the new bloody header for this section!

In DragonLaffs #1260 Impish spoke about he ongoing court case in Georgia meant to determine if Obama’s name would appear on the ballot come November and all the crap that Obama is doing to avoid dealing with the situation head on PLUS all the compelling evidence that he is not even eligible to BE President much less run for a second term.

I commented afterwards that if he was Impeached, then he should be tried convicted and sentenced TWICE, once as Barrack Obama and once as Barry Sorrento since nobody is precisely sure of exactly WHO he is so that all the bases were legally covered and some oily Shark of a lawyer couldn’t possibly pull any fast ones.

In response (presumably to my try him twice comment) Reader Paul writes:

paul says: February 7, 2012 at 18:13

HANG THEM BOTH

My response to that is:

 

<In my best Foghorn Leghorn imitation> I say..I say a civilized polite hangin’s too good for them fellas Paul.

I think they deserve the traditional ancient fate reserved for traitors but with an updated twist. ( for those of you of a blood thirsty bent or seriously considering the pros and cons of this punishment for this case go to https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hanged,_drawn_and_quartered otherwise I’ll hit the high points below)

They should be hung, cut down while still alive, then drawn and quartered, and finally beheaded.
Traditionally the head is tarred and mounted on a spike above the entrance to the leaders fortification known as “the Traitors Gate” as an example and warning to all. The reminder of the body it cut into 5 parts and sent to be impaled on a pike on the approach to the major cities of a realm with a plaque stating who they were and that they were executed for the crime of treason. Also all the traitors lands titles and property are forfeit to the crown and their immediate families (if they survived or were not implicated either confined someplace under permanent house arrest or exiled from the realm never to return under pain of death.)

Now for my personal touches or updated twists:
1.) As punishment for and to atone for the continual insults and injustices done under his administration by both him and his Liberal maniacal minions, he should be KEEL HAULED under the USS Constitution by Marines while it is under way even if it has to be towed. The choice of this vessel was deliberate since he has continually chosen to disregard and show his disdain for the legal document it represents.

2.) Since I am unable to locate a “Traitors Gate” on the White House Capitol Federal Building Pentagon or Supreme Court and various health agencies tell me I cannot go placing carrion on 18 foot sharpened poles outside major metropolitan areas due to the possibility of the airborne spread of contamination and disease (to say nothing of the taint of Islamic loving liberalism) I suggest we dispose of his remains in the following manner:

a.) Head – stuff all the legal documents preventing the families of the 281 Marines slain in the Beirut Bombings into his mouth. Fashion a life-like facemask out of pig skin and cover the head with it. Find the biggest designated liberal sleaze ball diploweeniedunker in the State Department that backs this the loudest and send him with it unescorted into Iran to meat with Hezbollah and present it to them with the message “Pig Piss On You Hezbullies! One way or another you’ll pay for your crimes against Americans.” Let’s see how long their good will the State Department is intent on obtaining at the expense of our own people and his diplomatic credentials protects him after that.

b.) The remainder of his Muslims Before Americans Ass: Cut it up in as many pieces as are required to allow the rest of him to be stitched inside the carcasses of dead pigs place these in plastic 50 gallon drums fill them with a mix of pigs blood pigs dung and cement and bury his ass in the deepest part of the ocean we can possibly find using a submarine’s torpedo tubes if required to get him on his way as fast as possible on his trip to hell. Any liberal or ACLU mouth pieces objecting to this can be his pallbearers, 2 to a torpedo tube and loaded in after each drum…alive.

(Since this is an actual Response – Rebuttal situation I relabeled the rest of this.)

Now perhaps the funniest thing about this next one is that the Spammer couldn’t even get the comment attached to a current posting where my overly magnanimous  assertion that this was a half hearted attempt to be topical with a side of spam might hold weight. The comment is attached to a moth old posting of mine ( Leprechaun Laughs # 124 for Wednesday 01/18/12 Posted on January 18, 2012 ) in which Muslims and Terrorist are not even mentioned!

Let the hilarity of watching liberal spammers skewer themselves on their own words commence!

Chloe Mason Pastrefoa Muslim Loving Blog Spamming Terrorist pretending to be on topic but about to be handed her buttsays:

February 7, 2012 at 16:48

And I also ask them to not be too stupid to accuse Muslims in general of being terrorists, because terrorism knows no religion.

And of course in fine Leprechaun Fashion I responded to her:

Seriously? Have you NOT seen the Youtube of the throngs shouting death to America? The shirt CELEBRATING September 11th with the NON ARAB in it? When was the last time you saw a fundamentalist Christian or Orthodox Jewish Terrorist Group much less a terrorist attack by them that killed thousands in their home land? When was the last time you saw a bunch of Buddhists chanting Death to Iran/Iraq/Saudi Arabia/Syria/Kuwait or the UAE? Where was the last place that Christian, Jews or any other religion known to man tried to usurp the legal jurisdiction of the government and demand that the 10 commandments or the Books of the bible be used instead?

You are right though Chole, not ALL Muslims become terrorists, some become deliberate causalities of the terrorism some become unwanted collateral damage in trying to stop it prevent it or wage war on it and one even gets to become President and suck up to Muslims and terroristic organizations like Hezbollah because of naive deluded people like YOU!

If there was more Karmic &/or Poetic justice in the world we’d need fewer police and prison!

 

 

So as I was casting about  my Inbox for a subject for this weeks Parting Shot I came across this sent by a (gasp!) nonreader friend resulting in my becoming thoroughly disgusted and discouraged with the future of our nation even IF we manage to reclaim it come November. From this it seems America is only headed right back into the toilet because the Liberals have turn out entire next generation into Occupy This philosophy espousers by brainwashing them during their education.

GOD HELP US BABY BOOMERS!!!!

The American Dream as seen thru the Eyes of American College Students!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=VxHfYNTrnic

You only need to watch the first 2:30 minutes of this to see what I mean but feel free to watch it all if you really want to be disgusted and depressed like I was.

So there I was disgusted, depressed and resigned to writing and preaching yet another sermon to  the choir when this little gem crossed my screen and gave me cause for a faint ray of hope that perhaps not all is lost just quite yet. Hope that there ARE people out there making their children see the error of the Occupy/Entitlement philosophy and that they need to be responsible for their words/behavior and actions. Teaching that their words/behavior/actions have consequences, consequences that cannot be foisted off on others because we find taking responsibility for them distasteful, inconvenient or too hard to face as the liberal want us to believe is perfectly acceptable.

 

Daughter’s Facebook post infuriates dad and her laptop pays the price

(VIDEO of dad’s response)

A North Carolina father taught his teen a lesson in tough love when he unloaded his pistol into the girl’s laptop after she posted a lengthy critique of her parents on Facebook, according to a story by Fox5 News in Las Vegas.  If you want to see the original Facebook thread, it’s located at: http://www.facebook.com/tommyjordaniii/posts/299559803434210

Dad guns down laptop over Facebook post

Posted: Feb 10, 2012 10:18 AM CST Updated: Feb 10, 2012 10:46 AM CST  By Cecelia Hanley

Tommy Jordan used a 45-caliber gun to shoot the laptop nine times. (Source: YouTube)

(RNN) – A North Carolina father is dealing with the firestorm surrounding how he disciplined his daughter for a Facebook post. He put a bullet in her laptop.

Well, nine of them.

Tommy Jordan’s daughter, Hannah, 15, posted a profanity laced-tirade against her parents on Facebook about the amount of chores and duties she had around the house.

“I don’t know how to say how disappointed in you and how disrespectful you were to every adult in your house,” Tommy Jordan said.

Decked in his cowboy hat, he responded to his daughter’s post point-by-point. He then conveyed his disappointment by shooting his daughter’s laptop with his .45 caliber gun filled with “exploding hollow point rounds.”

Even Hannah’s mother asked him to fire one off for her.

Dad then posted his 8-minute video response to her tirade on his own Facebook page, his daughter’s page and on YouTube.

“This is for my daughter Hannah and for her all her friends on Facebook who thought her little rebellious post was cute. And for all you parents out there who think their kids don’t post bad things on Facebook,” Tommy Jordan said at the beginning of the video.

The day before the shootout, Tommy Jordan said he spent $130 and half the day upgrading the computer. He said Hannah must pay him back the cost of the upgrade, as well as for the bullets he used to destroy the laptop.

He said the bullets cost about $1 each.

“I thought you’d have better sense with a father who works in IT,” Jordan said.

Here’s the father’s video:

Poll (stop looking for something to click its results from the FoxNews website poll)

What do you think of the father’s solution?

Here are the results so far:

Too harsh  –  13%

Just right – 76%

Didn’t go far enough – 11%

On his Facebook wall, Tommy Jordan responded to his critics. Some suggested his daughter will become a stripper because of his parenting techniques.

“Yes, I shot it full of holes. Would I have received the same viral attention if I’d used it as a dog toy, hit it with a hammer, drove over it with the truck, or simply thrown it away? I’m not sure,” he said.

He also wrote that he will not permit his daughter to speak to the media.

“Additionally, there’s absolutely NO way I’m going to send my child the message that it’s OK to gain from something like this,” Jordan wrote. “It would send her a message that it’s OK to profit at the expense of someone else’s embarrassment or misfortune, and that’s not how I was raised, nor how she has been raised.”

Some people support his actions – a “Tommy Jordan is my hero” page has been started.

Tommy Jordan is using the publicity to raise money for the Muscular Dystrophy Association with a link on his Facebook wall.

Copyright 2012 Raycom News Network. All rights reserved.

MAYBE, just MAYBE there IS a small ray of hope for us after all. I certainly hope so.

 

 

Good Morning Campers…It’s Saturday!!!!
Well, it’s not that great, cause I’m on my way to work…
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I really need a laugh this morning.  My good friend Samson has gone missing.  Who’s Samson?  Well, he’s a mythical creature, like the rest of us who has the ability to turn into a squirrel.  He was out flying with me the other day…I was still on house arrest, being forced to stay with Zeus, who’s a really mean host, by the way…anyway, Samson and I had slipped out and we went flying, and somewhere over Pennsylvania, he fell off…I tried to rescue him but it was just that time that Zeus’s people caught up with me and brought me back.  Now I don’t know where he’s at.  Probably landed in some Punk Rockers back yard and got painted purple and put in a cage or something…

Anyway, it’s time for some laughter…

A book store comes alive at night!  Wonderful stop-gap animation!   Really quite good!

Wow!  Talk about getting even!  Here’s a story that takes getting even to an all new height!

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight — starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn’t know what to call her so we named her “Pussycat.” The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, “OK, but don’t forget to wash her. She stinks.” He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) who wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my vet don’t see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband “El Cheap-O,” and my husband calls the vet “El Charge-O.” They love to hate each other and constantly “snipe” at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building and next door to the vet. The MD’s waiting room was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in. Obviously he had seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, ”Your wife’s pussy doesn’t stink any more. We washed and shaved it and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and by the way, I think she’s pregnant. God only knows who the father is!” Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

Dear FaceBook, please add this button…

To go along with out special news today about dear Michelle and Nancy, here’s a poke at Nancy…

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, the car hits it full on, and the car comes to a stop. Nancy , in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, “You get out and check–you were driving.”

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old. “You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer,” says Nancy.

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face. “My God, what happened to you?” asks Nancy. The chauffeur replies, “When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whiskey, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.” “What on earth did you say to them?” asks Nancy.

“I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them, “I’m Nancy Pelosi’s chauffeur, and I’ve just killed the old cow.”

Continuing with family video night …

Out-sourcing….all too real!

I get irritated when people come down on our law enforcement officers, saying that they don’t care about or respect others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category.
This story involves Troopers of the Oregon State Police who reported finding a man’s body yesterday in the early evening, in the Rouge River near GoldBeach. The dead man’s name would not be released until his family had been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting “someone” in a local bar . He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 4 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink
G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an OBAMA T-shirt.
The Troopers removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
See there, Oregon State Troopers really do care !!

Okay, how about a quick run down of amazing technology…
First, a table that any household would love to have:

And how about a folding, electric bicycle?

And finally, a bedroom TV that is the envy of every man…

Okay, so I guess it’s going to be one of those issues….here’s a video collection called: “It’s Smarter to Travel in Groups”

One Liner from Jonathon

I do what the voices in my wife’s head tell me to do.

Thanks to Diaman for her usual, um…. contributions.  Yeah, that’s the word: Contributions

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

Although skiing is popular in wintertime, it is also a fall sport.

I knew this woman who wanted to marry a ghost….
I don’t know what possessed her!

Calves take well to bottle feeding because one nipple is as good as an udder.

How’s your sick horse?” one rancher asked another.
“She’s in stable condition.”

Thanks to K² for this…if you are a plane buff, then this one is for you!

You can see why the U-2 is considered the most difficult plane in the world to fly.

Each pilot has a co-pilot, who chases the plane on the runway in a sports car.

Most of the cars are either Pontiac GTOs or Chevrolet Camaros — the Air Force buys American. The chase cars talk the pilot down as he lands on bicycle-style landing gear.

In that spacesuit, the pilot in the plane simply cannot get a good view of the runway. Upon takeoff, the wings on this plane, which extend 103 feet from tip to tip, literally flap. To stabilize the wings on the runway, two pogo sticks on wheels prop up the ends of the wings.

As the plane flies away, the pogo sticks drop off. The plane climbs at an amazing rate of nearly 10,000 feet a minute. Within about four minutes,

I was at 40,000 feet, higher than any commercial airplane. We kept going up to 13 miles above Earth’s surface.

You get an incredible sensation up there. As you look out the windows, it feels like you’re floating, it feels like you’re not moving, but you’re actually going 500 mph.. The U-2 was built to go higher than any other aircraft. In fact today, more than 50 years since it went into production, the U-2 flies higher than any aircraft in the world with the exception of the space shuttle..

It is flying more missions and longer missions than ever before — nearly 70 missions a month over Iraq and Afghanistan , an operational tempo that is unequaled in history. The pilots fly for 11 hours at a time, sometimes more than 11 hours up there alone. By flying so high, the U-2 has the capability of doing reconnaissance over a country without actually violating its airspace.

It can look off to the side, peering 300 miles or more inside a country without actually flying over it. It can “see” in the dark and through clouds.
It can also “hear”, intercepting conversations 14 miles below. The U-2, an incredible piece of history and also a current piece of high technology, is at the center of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan .

Enjoy the ride! Lockheed U-2

Take A Ride in a Spy Plane, Click the link below.

Click Here for a Ride In a U2 – Have Your Sound On

Today’s Last Word…Since I’ve run out of time, I thought I’d throw in this humorous article that JUST came out…

A Purple Squirrel In Pennsylvania Provokes A Host Of Theories

A purple squirrel that was captured in Jersey Shore, Pa., has a bunch of people scratching their heads. The AP reports that Percy Emert and his wife, Connie, spotted the squirrel in their yard, then decided to try to lure it into a trap using some peanuts.

This week, the squirrel found its way into the trap. The AP reports:

“‘I thought, “Nobody’s going to believe me,”‘ [Percy] said. ‘Even the inside of its ears were purple. It wasn’t like it fell into something. It didn’t look like that at all.’

“The animal quickly became an online sensation and even has its own Facebook page.

“After the couple released the squirrel Tuesday, Percy Emert said a state game warden came by and took samples of purple fur that the squirrel left behind inside the cage, as well as six to eight pieces of fur that Percy Emert took from the squirrel’s tail before releasing it.

“‘It looked like it was healthy, the only thing was that its teeth were brown,’ he said.”

Accuweather first reported the story today and the purple squirrel has 4,449 likes on Facebook.

But, really, the question is: What’s going on here?

The AP spoke to a curator at the Pittsburgh Zoo who had two theories: The squirrel could have come in contact with a pokeberry patch, but they’re not in season. Or maybe it fell into a portable toilet that had blue coloring.

Accuweather quotes Krish Pillai, a professor at Lock Haven University of Pennsylvania, who had a more serious theory.

“This is not good at all. That color looks very much like Tyrian purple. It is a natural organobromide compound seen in mollusks and rarely found in land animals. The squirrel (possibly) has too much bromide in its system,” he said.

Pillai, however, is a computer engineering expert, so we’re not sure how credible that theory is.

For the record, the Emerts told Accuweather that they did not dye the squirrel. “We just found it and it was purple,” said Connie Emert.

Samson?