OK settle down and quityerbloodybitchin already! As you bloody well were!

If you’d kindly give me a second to explain before jumping to conclusions, those of you who thought this was going to be one of “those” issues where we whine about the sagging ratings, the lack of reader participation except by a core few, the lack of ANY sales at the Dragonlaffs store other than for the initial sales of our Sept 11th mug (which speaking of you have exactly 6 days from today to purchase before it is removed permanently from the store and all graphics destroyed   or that I was going to bemoan the current state of affairs political or economic in the U.S.A. are all bloody well way off the mark!

 This issue has literally gone to the dogs! I get so many e~mails in my inbox with animal related material that I decided to make a canine~centric themed issue to get rid of the best of it.

Ya ken the meaning o’ me banners now?

Geeze! I’ve seem less jumping to unsupported conclusions and going off half cocked out of the liberally biased media after a possible Republican candidate makes a slightly ambiguous statement!

 

Coffee May Prevent Depression

Women who drink two or more cups of coffee each day are less at risk of depression, according to a team of researchers at the Harvard Medical School. The study analyzed data from 51,000 women who participated in the Nurses’ Health Study from 1996 until 2006. During that period, 2,607 cases of depression were diagnosed; women who drank two or more cups of coffee a day, however, reported 20 percent fewer cases of depression—and the risk of depression fell with each additional cup of coffee she drank. Still, the study’s author advises women to not begin drinking more caffeine: More study is needed, he says, and very high caffeine levels can increase anxiety.

Read it at The New York Times September 27, 2011 6:37 AM

 

How many dogs does it take to……

These are the answers from dogs when asked “How many dogs does it take to put in a light bulb?”

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Dachshund: I can’t reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I’ve got a hangover.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there…

Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

The Perfect Day

His dog was dying. But they could spend one last day together.

By Jon Katz|Updated Thursday, Sept. 29, 2011, at 2:41 AM ET  This is excerpted from Jon Katz’s new book, Going Home: Finding Peace When Pets Die.

 It is possible to take something beautiful and lasting out of the heart-wrenching experience of seeing the animal you love move inexorably toward death. Nobody can take the grief away, nor should anyone try, but our love for animals is nothing but a gift, and it keeps on giving, even when they go home.

A man named Harry, an Iraq war veteran and tennis coach from Minnesota, hit upon a simple and profound idea to transform this otherwise sad experience into a blessed one.

It was a gray morning when the vet told Harry that his dog Duke’s heart was failing and that it wouldn’t be long before he died. Harry was not surprised, but still, the news depressed him. Listening to the vet, Harry later told me, he’d gotten an idea, one he thought would pay tribute to his life with Duke and give him something to feel besides sadness and loss.

“Tomorrow, I’m going to give you a Perfect Day,” he said quietly to Duke as they left the vet’s office. He would take the day off from work and create a sweet memory with his dog. It would be a special day, filled with all the things Duke loved most, as close to perfect as Harry could make it. He would take his Canon PowerShot along to capture some images of the day, to preserve the memories.

Read the reminder (with a full box of tissues) here: http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/heavy_petting/2011/09/the_perfect_day.html?GT1=38001

 

Sorrys! You hab use all da tissues! Dis my apartment now!

Ponderings for Idle Moments

– Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
– Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
– How come abbreviated is such a long word?
– If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
– Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
– Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?
– Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?
– If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
– When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
– Do fish get cramps after eating?

 

Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”

At last I can finally utter the phrase “WOW! will ya look at the SIZE of those melons” without being thought of as being sexist or degrading to women!

(Ok you’re totally right…that has nothing to do with Dogs. I just HAD to beat Impish to using the picture and making an off color comment plain and simple.)

When Good Dogs Go and Crossbreed

Pointer + Setter =
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier =
Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund =
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso =
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel =
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever =
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound =
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog =
Terribull, a dog prone to awful mistakes (a favorite of politicians and weather forecasters)

Bloodhound + Labrador =
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly  (a favorite of cable news people)

Malamute + Pointer =
Moot Point, owned by….oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway

Collie + Malamute =
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier =
Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end

Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller =
Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband

Bull Terrier + Shitzu =
Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed (another favorite of politicians)

 

The following ad appeared in a newspaper:

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE

SBF Seeks Male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love: long walks in the woods, hunting, camping, riding in your pickup truck, fishing trips, cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I’m yours. Call 555-2121 and ask for Daisy.

(The phone number was the Humane Society and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador Retriever.)

TO: GOD: FROM: THE DOG

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the “Chrysler Eagle” the ” Chrysler Beagle”?
Dear God: If a! dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID’s, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.
1 . I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it! up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a ‘face towel’.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying “hello”.
8. I don’t need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m under the coffee table.
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house – not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a ‘squeaky toy’ so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.
P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

Instructions for properly hugging a baby

(from a dog’s point of view):

1. First, uh, find a baby.

2. Second, be sure that the object you found was indeed a baby, by employing classic sniffing
techniques.

3. Next, you will need to flatten the baby before actually beginning the hugging process.

4. The ‘paw slide’ = Simply slide paws around baby and prepare for possible close-up.

5. Finally, if a camera is present, you will need to execute the difficult and patented ‘hug, smile, and lean’ so
as to achieve the best photo quality.

“Dog Haiku”

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be

Today I sniffed
Many dog butts – I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paperboy – come to kill us all –
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Mailman Fiend – come to kill us all –
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Meter reader – come to kill all –
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man – come to kill all –
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Neighbor’s cat – come to kill all!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Wiz on each bush. Hello, Spot –
Sniff this and weep.

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.

I hate my choke chain –
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot – no greater bliss – well,
Maybe catching cats.

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do.

Dig under fence – why?
Because it’s there. Because it’s
There. Because it’s there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

You may call them fleas,
But they are far more – I call
Them a vocation.

My owners’ mood is
Romantic – I lie near their
Feet. I blow a big one.

Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
A: Because you can’t bury them in trees!

Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make both ends meet!

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!

Q: Why do dogs wag their tails?
A: “Because no one else will do it for them!”

Q: Why didn’t the dog speak to his foot?
A: Because it’s not polite to talk back to your paw!

Q: What is the dogs favorite city?
A: New Yorkie!

Q: Who is the dogs favorite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx!

Q: What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie?
A: “Well, doggone!”

Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!

Q: How can if you have a stupid dog?
A: It chases parked cars!

 

 I said the issue was not ABOUT the country going to the dogs. I never said I could not work a comment on the fact into a dog themed issue!

Dog property laws

1. If I like it, it’s mine.

 

2. If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.

5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it just looks like mine, it’s mine.

8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If it’s broken, it’s yours.

 

 

Doggy Dictionary

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: A liquid which, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and get the drool on the human.
SNIFF: A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar to the human exchange of business cards.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents throughout the house before your person comes home.
BATH : If you find something especially good to roll in, humans get jealous, and they use this degrading form of torture to get even. Be sure to shake only when next to a person or a piece of furniture.
LEAN: Every good dog’s response to the command “sit!,” especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular bump doesn’t get the attention you require … especially effective when combined with the sniff. See above.
CHILDREN: Short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to one assures some good petting. When running, they are good to chase. If they fall down, they are comfortable to sit on.
LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return.

 

Mexican drug lords decry U.S. prison conditions

At least one judge agrees that some of the confinements are too harsh for crime bosses

By DANE SCHILLER, HOUSTON CHRONICLE Updated 12:18 a.m., Friday, September 30, 2011

Big-league Mexican drug traffickers imprisoned in the United States are contending that unnecessarily harsh conditions – locked up alone in ultra-high-security confinement – take a physical and psychological toll and may violate U.S.-Mexico extradition treaties.

The courthouse pleadings for relief come from men who cut their teeth and made their names in a criminal underworld that has carried out unheard of levels of brutality in Mexico, including murder by beheading, mutilation, hanging and massacre.

But at least one U.S. federal judge on Thursday conceded the claims have some merit. He ordered that Jesus Vicente Zambada Niebla, whose father runs the Sinaloa Cartel, a criminal syndicate in which Zambada was a ranking member, should be let out of his cell for outdoor recreation time on a roof top.

As Zambada waits to see if he’ll face trial, he has been largely confined to a windowless 10-by-6-foot cell for “18 months of isolation without seeing the sun or breathing fresh air,” contended his lawyers in a request to the judge. He and others admittedly are part of cartels that for decades have pushed tons of cocaine and marijuana into this country, and they have been sent to a U.S. justice system that is far tougher than that of Mexico.

“The word on the street in the United States is you can’t bribe your way out of prison or bribe your way into better living conditions,” said former Houston-based federal prosecutor Mark W. White III. “In other places, it might not be as uncomfortable.”

Such high-profile prisoners have many enemies, and officials have said they are kept in isolation to ensure their security. Zambada, for example, contends he should not be prosecuted because while trafficking, he served as an informant for U.S. agents by giving them the cartel’s intelligence on rivals.

Bureau of Prisons spokeswoman Traci Billingsly said the length of a prisoner’s sentence, as well as any history of violence and escapes, are among the factors considered when determining where and how they should be held.

In the supermax

Also, a federal appeals court in California is deciding whether it is legal to automatically hold Jesus Hector “El Guero” Palma Salazar, one of the Sinaloa Cartel’s founders, in isolated custody at the so-called supermax prison in Colorado.

“Supermax confinement is arguably in violation of international standards and numerous international treaties, many of which have been signed by Mexico,” his lawyers said in an appeal that was heard last month. Their argument is based on the premise that Mexico might have refused extradition if officials knew the cruel conditions prisoners would face.

The lawyers further say he is being kept there based on unproven allegations of murder and other crimes in Mexico, not on any misconduct in the United States.

They point to a Federal Bureau of Prisons notice that says Palma was placed in supermax because in Mexico he was involved in numerous acts of extortion, corruption of public officials and murders as well as ordering the slayings of a rival gang member’s children in retaliation for the murder of his own wife and children.

Additionally, the notice said that keeping Palma in any prison less than a supermax would pose a threat to safety.

Former Gulf Cartel boss Osiel Cardenas Guillen, who was extradited from Mexico to Houston in 2007 to face trial, was shuttled between a variety of state and federal facilities – always kept away from other prisoners.

Without public explanation earlier this year, Cardenas, a citizen of Mexico, was moved from a federal penitentiary in Florida to the same supermax where Palma is held.

Tables turned

In some rare instances, U.S.-style security is being used in Mexico for high-profile prisoners, said Houston lawyer Kent Schaffer, who is representing Edgar “La Barbie” Valdez, a Texan who reputedly rose to the top ranks of a Mexican cartel.

Valdez is under heavy guard and being kept alone as he waits to see if he’ll be sent to the United States to face trafficking charges.

He’s rarely let out and is only allowed to read the Bible, Schaffer said.

“Personally, I think it is just a matter of time until he gets worn down,” Schaffer said. “You can just imagine the effect it has on somebody being cooped up in there.”

Schaffer, said his time in isolation made him almost unrecognizable.

“It was horrible. For the first couple of weeks, he was fine. After that, he was a totally different person, and it all started with solitary,” Schaffer said. “Can you imagine what it’d be like to be locked up all day like that for weeks or months or years?”

Oh Lord! WHERE to even BEGIN with this load of DOG POO!

Lets start with that last thought first,

“It was horrible. For the first couple of weeks, he was fine. After that, he was a totally different person, and it all started with solitary,” Schaffer said. “Can you imagine what it’d be like to be locked up all day like that for weeks or months or years?”

Gee I don’t know, lemme think a second, maybe SLIGHTLY like being addicted to the chemical filth Valdez peddled across the border into the US? If he is only suffer what a single one of his victims is suffering then he is getting off too damned easy!

These people command armies of criminals and are the CEOs of vast drug empires and a host of other criminal activities. They continue to organize direct the actions of and continue to head these organizations from inside prison with only a modicum of difficulty. Being incarcerated and isolated within a Supermax prevents this from occurring and protects those who are responsible for trying these criminals, as well as the witnesses, their families and the jurors from reprisals. IF they think this is too harsh a price to pay for their actions, I say its apparently not harsh enough as its not deterring them or those who replace them from those actions.

They’re unhappy that the prisons are run by American standards and with bribable American guards? TOO DAMNED BAD FOR THEM! Mexico doesn’t approve of us putting the screws to those who have been putting it to us for decades? SAME ANSWER. In fact, find those Mexican nay sayers and securitize their bank accounts and life styles. I’m betting you’ll find extraneous sources of revenue not consistent with their jobs or positions. Then toss them in the Supermax too. If the Mexican government and Law Enforcement hand ANY integrity at all, the US would not be stuck cleaning up their mess and dealing with their criminals because of the crimes they commit on our soil and the chemical filth and misery they continually inflict on our people.

If it were up to me personally, I hook them all up to an IV of their chemical filth everyday until they were good and hooked on it them cut it back to the point where they never got unhooked by spent at least 20 out of every 24 hours in the agonies of withdrawal. Every time an act of violence was perpetrated against a US National I would inflict that exact same harm and suffering on them.

Mexico doesn’t approve and no longer likes us and our ways? No problem. Cancel NAFTA revoke all their privileges under it, stop looking for help and hand outs of ANY kind from us and they can build a wall at their border with us, I’d bet we’d even help pay for it! Otherwise take the whining of the criminals for what it is, a sign we are making it to painful and too costly to traffic illegally in ANYTHING in the US and across our border.

Have you thanked a soldier or helped a Troops Support group Lately?

 

 

Good Morning Campers… I’m so excited!  I got my new mug in the mail last night from our Dragon Laffs store!  It is way cool!  And there’s still a little time left to get your 911 mug!
Anyway….
It’s Saturday, a day of rest and relaxation…unless you’re married, then it’s a day normally overwhelmingly orchestrated by a Honey-Do List from the wonderful women in our lives (Yes, she’s probably listening to us right now!)  So, while I start this small list of things that need to be done today (wink, wink, nod, nod…I’m really hiding out in my private cavern) Why don’t you guys get to today’s issue?

---

Yup, that was me this morning…. I slept in, all the way till 0700!!! Then handed this incredible list!

---

---

---

Not what you think….

More Puns from our resident Punster, Diaman:

---

---

Bees take over an entire house!
http://www.wimp.com/beeshouse/

---

And now, for another round of Dear (blank), Sincerely, (blank)…

---

---

This is as good an explanation as any that I’ve heard!

---

---

---

---

---

To understand the above Motivational…you have to have seen the movie…

Okay, and one more for the people who didn’t think the “Binception” one was funny…

---

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

• Italy is asking China to help bail them out of their debt crisis. Doesn’t that make you mad? Hey Italy, China is our sugar daddy.
• The Democrats lost a seat they’ve held in New York since the 1920s. The White House said, “At least President Obama created one new job.”
• Dick Cheney was grilled by the women of “The View.” So apparently he’s willing to undergo torture himself to prove a point.
• After saying the jobs bill is paid for, President Obama now says that it will be paid for by raising taxes over 10 years. I can’t figure out if he’s the kind of guy who makes infomercials, or the kind of guy who falls for infomercials.

---

---

POV from K²

You may have heard on the news about a southern California man that was placed under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had an estimated 1-million rounds of ammunition stored in his home. His house also had a secret escape tunnel. My favorite quote from the television reporter was, “Wow! He has about a million machine gun bullets.” The headline referred to it as a “massive weapons cache”. By southern California standards, the man was assumed to be “mentally unstable.” However, if the same guy lived…

In Arizona , he’d be called “an avid gun collector”.

In Arkansas, he’d be called “a novice gun collector”.

In Utah, he’d be called “moderately well prepared”, but they’d probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Montana, he’d be called, “The neighborhood Go-To guy”.

In Idaho, he’d be called, “a likely gubernatorial candidate”.

In Wyoming, he’d be called, “an eligible bachelor”.

And, in Texas, he’d be called, “a deer hunting buddy”.

---

---

---

ME TOO!!!!!

---

This is Joey, everybody!

At a factory in Lansing, Michigan, a young soldier returns from being stationed in Kuwait to surprise his unsuspecting mother. You’ll want to get the tissues first! http://www.sonnyradio.com/soldier-surprises-mom.html

---

Is it just me…?

Opening

“What’s the that graphic up there Lethal?” you ask? Well readers I’ll tell ya, see Impish has complained a few times he felt a little “thrown under the bus” after a few of my issues because he was the brunt of so many of the jokes, wise cracks and comments. Truth be told it was an ancient NYC garbage truck replete with snow plow I used, not a brand new million dollar plus custom tour bus but hey if the delusion comforts Impish then let him believe it.

He claims he understands it is all in the name of humor and done out of love and respect, but asked that I give him a bit of warning when it’s going to happen so he can frame his fragile ego for the onslaught of character assignation comedy which he claims remind him of a Friars Club Roast minus all the pomp and F list celebrities. So I created several graphics like the one above to clue him and you into what’s up coming.

If you see one of these at the beginning of the issue you know Impish’s character, credibility and reputation are likely to suffer multiple aspersions by the end of the issue

Coffee is not a matter of life or death…It’s much more serious than that!

Mr.. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well,
and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to
learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X’s.

He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with
one staircase going nowhere just for show)…you get the idea.

One day his banker, Mr.. Smith, asked him to drop by.

“So vat’s the problem?” Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.

Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. “Perhaps nothing,” he said, “but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks
of yours are all signed with 3 X’s, but your signature of record has just 2.”

Greenberg looked embarrassed. “I’m sorry about making trouble,” he said, “but my vife said that since I’m now such a
high class rich guy, I should have a middle name!”

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world. Give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.
The guy from Guinness Brewery sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Molson?”
The Guinness Brewery president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

A  quick ‘Doctor of Quackery’ Tutorial Guide and Checklist for Dragons and Some of the Rest of You Underachievers

10 Ways to Know You’ve Had Good Sex

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.
2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.
3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.
4. The cat’s exhausted from just watching you.
5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.
6 You’ve both gone down one clothing size.
7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There’s nothing left to adjust.
8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.
9. Boy, are you hungry!
10. You’re absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

Another installment of our regular segment where we offer readers sage(?) words of council and advice.

Dear Impish~

Dear Impish,

I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn’t start.
I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter.
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me…I’m desperate.

Dear Reader
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. Hope this helps.
Impish.

Dear Lethal~

Dear Lethal Leprechaun~

I suggest a visit to your favorite Chat Room where you can engage in some of that Cyber Sex stuff, I just found out about this last night! I was on AOL and I went to this chat room. It was named something
suggestive, but I can’t remember which one it was. Something like, “Horny and Bald”, or something like that.OK, so I get in there and man these people are talking some real shit back and forth. I can’t believe it. Somebody asks, “What’s everyone wearing?” And everyone starts responding about what they are wearing.
Girls were saying they were wearing silk nighties, leather and lace, or nothing at all, spikes, all kinds of kinky stuff. Well hell, I was just wearing a T-shirt and blue jeans and I felt sort of out of place. So I hurried up and put on a jock strap, my wife’s bra, roller blades, ear muffs, and a ring of bratwurst around my neck.

Suddenly I realize that certain people are asking other certain people if they want to go to a private room and have Cyber Sex. I wasn’t quite sure how this whole thing worked, so I asked, and members of the group
explained that you could send another person in the room a private message, and then two members could talk back and forth without anyone else knowing, and that’s how you have Cyber Sex. Way Cool!

OK, so I’m waiting, and one by one I keep seeing people ask other people if they want to have Cyber Sex, and they say yeah IM me. I found out that means Immediate Message or something like that. OK, so I wait some
more, ’cause I know some really hot cyber chic babe is going to be asking me to have some private cyber sex any minute now.

Well, I’m waiting and waiting, and nothing. I’m thinking, how do they know I’m getting bald, that I’ve been married 26 years, have three kids, and sometimes when I have a choice of making love to my wife or taking a
nap, I choose the nap. Hey, I figure I can get some sleep and dream about having sex and kill two birds with one stone.

Geez, I’m 52 and I’m at that point where my wife makes me have sex at least once a month whether I need to or not.

I’m thinking this Cyber Sex thing will be great because I won’t have to get out of breath or, get up in the middle to take a pee, or anything. But no one sends me an invitation to join them. Then I got a brain
storm.

I wondered if I could send myself a private message. Sure enough I could! So I sent a message to myself asking me if I wanted to have Cyber Sex. Well, I reluctantly agreed. Once I was in the private room
I started telling myself what I was wearing, you know earmuffs and all. Then the next thing I knew I was saying some really lewd stuff to myself, man at first I was really embarrassed and on some level offended
by the things I was saying to me.

But the next thing I knew I was really starting to get turned on, I was saying things to myself like, “oh yeah, oh yeah baby, that’s it, that’s the way I like it, you’re the king, you’re the king, oh jesus you’re the
chief of police, your the sheriff, go trooper, ride me like a K9 dog humping the Sergeant’s leg, oh god, oh god, cuff me, beat me, call me dirty names, turn on your red light, scream like a siren…..”

Man it was really getting hot, then just when it was really getting good said something about “my momma”, well shit, that did it, I just lost it.I really got pissed off and I started screaming at myself TYPING IN ALL
CAPS and shit, and I told myself that I was a no good insensitive asshole. I came back with a reply that I was nothing but a Cyber Prick Teaser, and then I said I couldn’t believe that I would have done
something like this with someone as disgusting a pig as me… well to make a long story short I told myself “F off you Cyber Slut”, and I disconnected myself from me.

God I am so sick and ashamed of what I did I never want to talk to myself again. Do you think I cheated on my wife? Should I tell her?

Seriously Impish didn’t I already tell you I didn’t want to council you about this and it was WAY out of my depth on SO many levels? Didn’t I tell you to talk to the base shrink and Chaplin about it you sick Perverted whacko?

BTW I’ll have the contract for the screen and internet rights to this confession to you by this afternoon latest you depraved Dragon.

Cordially,

Lethal

 Can You Identify the Presidential Candidate?

Mitt Romney or Ash Williams (“The Evil Dead” 1981)

Newt Gingrich or Lego Dude

Michele Bachmann or Julia Roberts

Rick Perry or Josh Brolin

Herman Cain or Steve Urkel (“Family Matters”)

Jon Huntsman or Capt. Christopher Pike (“Star Trek” 2009)

Gary Johnson or Wembley Fraggle (“Fraggle Rock”)

Ron Paul or Gandalf (“The Lord of the Rings”)

Tim Pawlenty or Mr.. Rogers

Rick Santorum or Michael Scott (“The Office”)

I’d like to thank all my well wishers who posted comments publicly or privately on the occasion of my birthday.

Your sentiments and well wishes were much appreciated.  I had the opportunity to witness something truly spectacular on my birthday, an extremely rare and  occasionally terrifying event. Molly, in the kitchen, actually cooking a meal, more or less totally from scratch and for company even (hey if I was going to be poisoned I was not going down alone so I held some of her family hostage under the guised of a very small low key birthday party as food tasters!). While admittedly I DID ply my knife skills to several items for her ( almost as hard as Impish’s head winter squash and razor sharp knives can be a seriously dangerous combo , the same can be said for finely mincing shallots) as well as providing the odd word or two of sage advice when she was worried things were going indirections other than the recipe she had indicated) she did remarkably well and in a very short period of time too.

No cases of food poisoning have been reported thus far ( I write this Sunday morning and its possible we just have not heard from our guests yet or their next of kin) and the thought of leftovers is not unappealing.

HOWEVER, I’d like to take this opportunity to address some ugly “misconceptions” that were put forth about me during the course of announcing my birthday.

FIRST OF ALL, my age, Impish gets away with that tired old “expresses his age exponentially) stuff because the passage of time in Tir Na Nog where we fae folk make our home and I was born happens at a different rate than here. A week spent there can be 100 years here so the subject of my age is plainly subjective based on from which side of the crossing you are looking at it from.

SECONDLY, regarding my avoiding “retirement” Leprechauns NEVER retire, we may grow fed up with the constant B.S., strife and hypocrisy you humans seem to be so utterly fond of and retire from the mortal world back to stay in Tir Na Nog for good but we never “retire”.

Besides how could I affords to? Aside from having to constantly make amends for a certain Dragon and his gaffs, the fact that as of my writing this, not a SOLITARY SINGLE blessed item of Dragon Bling or Leprechaun Swag which we rolled out at the Grand Opening of the DragonLaffs Store a week ago today has sold. If you couple that with the fact that I am one of those who will have wound up paying into Social Security all of my working life but never get a single thin dime back out of it, I can never afford to retire here in the mortal world.

LASTLY on the matter of my “baby picture”, while it IS true that I am so old as to have know dirt when it was called Rock, attended most of the first runs of Shakespeare’s plays, been part of St Patrick’s welcoming committee, attended the Sermon on the Mount,  the Bread and Fish Church Supper, be report first hand the the wine  that Christ created from water was an unremarkable vintage,  and admit to having seen Moses in knee pants that IS NOT my baby picture OR even the Blarney Stone!

For all you “inquiring minds” then, a “baby picture “ of the Lethal Leprechaun.

 Yup that’s me, Lethal Leprechaun as a wee squint taking me first bottle! Some bloody fool thought to play a joke on me by making it a bottle of Scotch however. ‘Tis ok though, I got even by filtering it thru me kidneys before returning it to his trousers.

Sadly, Both Impish and I are all too familiar with this sort of sentiment from our families as it relates to our journalistic and blogging endeavors.

The secret to a REALLY good Bacon Burger

 Get that bacon flavor inside the burger before as well as on top after its cooked!

You know how everything in Texas is bigger than anywhere else?  Well, there was this Texan living in Bristol a while back.  Huge fellow he was, had to duck under all but the highest of doorways, and often had to go through sideways. And he was always going on about how much bigger things were back home, used to really bore everyone senseless with his bragging.
Anyway, he died one day, and wound up in a mortuary where a friend of mine worked.  Charlie was telling me about the trouble they had, trying to find a coffin big enough to bury him in.
They looked everywhere, but there was nothing that even came close, and it would take time to have one specially made.
“So what did you do?” I asked.
“Oh,” said Charlie, “it was simple, really.
We gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.”

Hum…interesting…same thing you do with a dragon just on a smaller scale!  Is that a bus I hear accelerating madly?

 

With Today’s Guest Chef: me own dear darlin’ wife Molly Malone!

I thought I’d give you the recipe that Molly found for me birthday dinner that met with so much success and praise from the guests today. Its fast, easy and uses one of my favorite under used veggies, winter squash, in this particular case Butternut.

 

Penne with Squash and Chicken

Ingredients

1 tbsp olive oil

1-1/2# butternut squash(peeled and cut into 1/2-inch pieces)

salt

pepper

2 clove cloves garlic(sliced)

12 oz penne pasta

1 – 3 # rotisserie chicken(skin removed meat removed and chopped)

2 cups spinach(baby)

3/4 cup ricotta

2 tbsp parmesan (grated)

Method

1 Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Warm oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add squash, and season with salt and pepper. Lower heat to medium and cook squash, stirring often, about 5 minutes. Add garlic and continue to cook until squash is tender, 5 to 7 minutes more.

2 Cook pasta according to package directions. Drain pasta, reserving 1 cup cooking liquid, and return pasta to cooking pot. Add chicken, spinach and half of reserved pasta water to skillet with squash. Cook, stirring occasionally, until heated through, about 2 minutes. Turn off heat and transfer squash mixture to pot with pasta. Add ricotta and Parmesan and toss. Pour in more reserved cooking liquid if mixture seems dry. Serve immediately.

A couple comments are required. We tried to find frozen butternut squash chunks so we didn’t have to deal with the cutting, peeling and cleaning of the squash but apparently its too early in the season for that. You can substantially speed up your cooking time by placing the diced squash in the microwave for 6 minutes before using it in your recipe.

In place of garlic which some people find objectionable when sliced in a dish and because the topic of how much garlic is too much, Molly elected to use a medium shallot instead which covered both the onion and garlic aspects of the issue finely minced.

Finally we purchased the rotisserie chicken the night before (actually 2 of them since we were intent on having it for dinner Friday night as well and they were on sale so I stripped both birds and diced the meat placing it in a storage container. One was garlic and herb the other lemon pepper. When I was done I poured the juices from the bottom of the bags in with the chicken that was being stored and this in turn went into the pan with the squash & spinach etc when the chicken was added making a powerful flavor contribution to the dish.

Mrs.. Dragon…so cruel to Impish, but oh so wise! She really does know him all too well.

If Famous Characters Throughout Time had Jewish Mothers –

MONA LISA’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?’
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS’ JEWISH MOTHER:
‘I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you didn’t call, you didn’t write…’
MICHELANGELO’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?’
NAPOLEON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘You’re not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!’
ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘Again with that hat! Why can’t you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?’
GEORGE WASHINGTON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac , you can kiss your allowance good-bye!’
THOMAS EDISON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘Okay, so I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!’
PAUL REVERE’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!’
ALBERT EINSTEIN’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘Your senior photograph and you couldn’t have done something with your hair?’
MOSES’ JEWISH MOTHER:
‘Desert, schmesert! Where have you really been for the last forty years?’
BILL GATES’ JEWISH MOTHER:
‘It would have killed you to become a doctor?’
BILL CLINTON’S JEWISH MOTHER:
‘Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl.

Gone are the days of your grandmother’s “early bird special” at the local diner. As our baby boomers reach retirement age, hundreds of retailers are featuring new and improved discounts exclusively for the 60 and older crowd. We have composed a list of senior savings that will help you keep more cash in your pocket. Whoever said getting older was a bad thing, obviously didn’t know about these fantastic senior discounts!

Restaurants

• Applebee’s: 15% off  with Golden Apple Card (60+)
• Arby’s: 10% off (55+)
• Ben & Jerry’s: 10% off (60+)
• Bennigan’s: discount varies by location
• Bob’s Big Boy: discount varies by location (60+)
• Boston Market: 10% off (65+)
• Burger King: 10% off (60+)
• Captain D’s Seafood: discount varies on location (62+)
• Chick-Fil-A: 10% off or free small drink or coffee (55+)
• Chili’s: 10% off (55+)
• CiCi’s Pizza: 10% off (60+)
• Culver’s: 10% off (60+)
• Denny’s: 10% off, 20% off for AARP members (55+)
• Dunkin’ Donuts: 10% off or free coffee (55+)
• Einstein’s Bagels: 10% off baker’s dozen of bagels (60+)
• Fuddrucker’s: 10% off any senior platter (55+)
• Gatti’s Pizza: 10% off (60+)
• Golden Corral: 10% off (60+)
• Hardee’s: $0.33 beverages everyday  (65+)
• IHOP: 10% off (55+)
• Jack in the Box: up to 20% off (55+)
• KFC: free small drink with any meal (55+)
• Krispy Kreme: 10% off (50+)
• Long John Silver’s: various discounts at participating locations (55+)
• McDonald’s: discounts on coffee everyday (55+)
• Mrs. Fields: 10% off at participating locations (60+)
• Shoney’s: 10% off
• Sonic: 10% off or free beverage (60+)
• Steak ‘n Shake: 10% off every Monday & Tuesday (50+)
• Subway: 10% off (60+)
• Sweet Tomatoes 10% off (62+)
• Taco Bell: 5% off; free beverages for seniors (65+)
• TCBY: 10% off (55+)
• Tea Room Cafe: 10% off (50+)
• Village Inn: 10% off (60+)
• Waffle House: 10% off every Monday (60+)
• Wendy’s: 10% off (55+)
• White Castle: 10% off (62+)

Retail and Apparel

• Banana Republic: 10% off (50+)
• Bealls: 20% off first Tuesday of each month (50+)
• Belk’s: 15% off first Tuesday of every month (55+)
• Bon-Ton Department Stores: 15% off on senior discount days (55+)
• C.J. Banks: 10% off every Wednesday (60+)
• Clarks: 10% off (62+)
• Dress Barn: 10% off (55+)
• Goodwill: 10% off one day a week (date varies by location)
• Hallmark: 10% off one day a week (date varies by location)
• Kohl’s: 15% off  (60+)
• Modell’s Sporting Goods: 10% off
• Rite Aid: 10% off on Tuesdays & 10% off prescriptions
• Ross Stores: 10% off every Tuesday (55+)
• The Salvation Army Thrift Stores: up to 50% off (55+)
• Stein Mart: 20% off red dot/clearance items first Monday of every month (55+)

Grocery

• Albertson’s: 10% off first Wednesday of each month (55+)
• American Discount Stores: 10% off every Monday (50+)
• Compare Foods Supermarket: 10% off every Wednesday (60+)
• DeCicco Family Markets: 5% off every Wednesday (60+)
• Food Lion: 6% off every Monday (60+)
• Fry’s Supermarket: free Fry’s VIP Club Membership & 10% off every Monday (55+)
• Great Valu Food Store: 5% off every Tuesday (60+)
• Gristedes Supermarket: 10% off every Tuesday (60+)
• Harris Teeter: 5% off every Tuesday (60+)
• Hy-Vee: 5% off one day a week (date varies by location)
• Kroger: 10% off (date varies by location)
• Morton Williams Supermarket: 5% off every Tuesday (60+)
• The Plant Shed: 10% off every Tuesday (50+)
• Publix: 5% off every Wednesday (60+; only valid outsideFL)
• Rogers Marketplace: 5% off every Thursday (60+)
• Uncle Guiseppe’s Marketplace: 5% off (62+)

Travel

• Alaska Airlines: 10% off (65+)
• Alamo: up to 25% off for AARP members
• American Airlines: various discounts for 65 and up (call before booking for discount)
• Amtrak: 15% off (62+)
• Avis: up to 25% off for AARP members
• Best Western: 10% off (55+)
• Budget Rental Cars: 10% off; up to 20% off for AARP members (50+)
• Cambria Suites: 20%-30% off (60+)
• Clarion: 20%-30% off (60+)
• Comfort Inn: 20%-30% off (60+)
• Comfort Suites: 20%-30% off (60+)
• Continental Airlines: no initiation fee for Continental Presidents Club & special fares for select destinations
• Dollar Rent-A-Car: 10% off (50+)
• Econo Lodge: 20%-30% off (60+)
• Enterprise Rent-A-Car: 5% off for AARP members
• Greyhound: 5% off (62+)
• Hampton Inns & Suites: 10% off when booked 72 hours in advance
• Hertz: up t0 25% off for AARP members
• Holiday Inn: 10%-30% off depending on location (62+)
• Hyatt Hotels: 25%-50% off (62+)
• InterContinental Hotels Group: various discounts at all hotels (65+)
• Mainstay Suites: 10% off with Mature Traveler’s Discount (50+); 20%-30% off (60+)
• Marriott Hotels: 15% off (62+)
• Motel 6: 10% off (60+)
• Myrtle Beach Resort: 10% off (55+)
• National Rent-A-Car: up to 30% off for AARP members
• Quality Inn: 20%-30% off (60+)
• Rodeway Inn: 20%-30% off (60+)
• Sleep Inn: 20%-30% off (60+)
• Southwest Airlines: various discounts for ages 65 and up (call before booking for discount)
• Trailways Transportation System: various discounts for ages 50 and up
• United Airlines: various discounts for ages 65 and up (call before booking for discount)
• U.S. Airways: various discounts for ages 65 and up (call before booking for discount)

Activities & Entertainment

• AMC Theaters: up to 30% off (55+)
• Bally Total Fitness: up to $100 off memberships (62+)
• Busch Gardens Tampa: $3 off one-day tickets (50+)
• Carmike Cinemas: 35% off (65+)
• Cinemark/Century Theaters: up to 35% off
• U.S. National Parks: $10 lifetime pass; 50% off additional services including camping (62+)
• Regal Cinemas: 30% off
• Ripley’s Believe it or Not: @ off one-day ticket (55+)
• SeaWorld Orlando: $3 off one-day tickets (50+)

Cell Phone Discounts

• AT&T: Special Senior Nation 200 Plan $29.99/month (65+)
• Jitterbug: $10/month cell phone service (50+)
• Verizon Wireless: Verizon Nationwide 65 Plus Plan $29.99/month (65+)

*Check out our Secret Cell Phone Discountsto view all cell phone discounts available to you!

Miscellaneous

• Great Clips: $3 off hair cuts (60+)
• Super Cuts: $2 off haircuts (60+)

Since many senior discounts are not advertised to the public, our advice to men and women over 55 is to ALWAYS ask a sales associate if that store provides a senior discount. Also, please note that some senior discounts vary by region. That way, you can be sure to get the most bang for your buck.

Here is a link to the original list in a printable format: http://www.bradsdeals.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/106StoreswithSeniorDiscounts-BradsDeals.com_.pdf

 

This is a test to determine if you are an alcoholic

If you saw the bar sign, you are an alcoholic.

Or at the very least an Irish queer!

Calling Tech Support!

He’s not dead but he sure is stuck! For all you mouse lovers, (and cats looking for dinner) they did get him out and let him loose.

Using a new painting program on his computer, Impish managed to come up with a very credible still life of fruit. He made a color printout and sent it to his daughter, a graphic designer. She called when it arrived.
“Isn’t it good?” Impish asked.
She chuckled, and in a tone that echoed mine from years ago, replied, “Dad, it’s beautiful. We put it on the refrigerator.”

 

You might remember (then again depending how hard you were celebrating you might not) that in our 4th of July issue I raised a bit of a ruckus over “alleged” religious censorship the the Houston VA Cemetery.

https://dragonlaffs.com/2011/07/03/independence-day-issue-july-4th-2011/

and then followed up on the issue shortly there after when a lawsuit was filed:

https://dragonlaffs.com/2011/07/06/leprechaun-laffs-for-wednesday-0706/

for further memory refreshing on the epic lengths the Obama backed VA Administration will go to to appease Muslims and slap our military heroes and their families in the face refer to the articles here:

http://www.chron.com/?controllerName=search&action=search&channel=news%2Fhouston-texas&search=1&inlineLink=1&query=%22Arleen+Ocasio%22

Well I am proud to report when we slapped back (with the lawsuit) the V.A. while not caving apparently to all our demands at least blinked and stepped back. Unfortunately there is no clear word regarding the future tenure of Houston cemetery director Arleen Ocasio who the suit demanded be terminated for starting all this disrespect.

VA agrees to settle suit over censorship at Houston cemetery

By LINDSAY WISE, HOUSTON CHRONICLE  Updated 06:11 p.m., Thursday, September 22, 2011

The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs has agreed to settle a lawsuit that accused VA officials of religious censorship at Houston National Cemetery, according to documents filed in federal court on Thursday.

The parties reached agreement on the case through mediation with former Texas Supreme Court Chief Justice Tom Phillips, according to the documents. VA officials and attorneys representing the plaintiffs declined to comment until a judge signs off on the terms of the joint motion.

Under the settlement, VA agrees “not to ban, regulate or otherwise interfere with prayers, recitations, or words of religious expression absent family objection” and to allow veterans’ families “to hold services with any religious or secular content they desire.”

VA also agreed not to edit or control the content of private religious speech by speakers at VA-sponsored special ceremonies or events at the cemetery and pledged to return a Bible, cross and Star of David to the cemetery’s chapel, which must remain open and not be used for storage or referred to as a meeting facility.

The settlement states that local members of Veterans of Foreign Wars District 4 and Houston National Memorial Ladies will resign their positions as official VA volunteers. They will be free to make their services known to funeral homes so that veterans’ families can decide if they would like these groups to provide any services.

VA admits no liability or fault, and stresses that some provisions of the agreement already were policy or practice at the department.

Protesters had called for VA to fire Houston cemetery director Arleen Ocasio, but her status is not addressed in the agreement.

VA operates 131 national cemeteries across the country.

Our government should take a HUGE lesson from this, specifically that those who have fought died or served for their country and their rights WILL fight back when pushed or threatened with those rights being removed or usurped. They should take this as a warning prior to considering which of our assured in the Constitution and Bill of Right rights they choose to try and suspend or usurp next.

Finally if they are TRUELY repentant and regretful part of the settlement agreement or not Arleen Ocasio will NEVER set foot in another Veteran’s Cemetery again in any capacity other than a mourner.

Good Morning Campers… And a fine morning it is, too!  The sun is shining (somewhere) it’s a brisk 50º and I’m teaching class, again, both today and tomorrow. 
You know, you try to wake up, have a good attitude and then life just creeps in and screws it all up.
I woke up this morning, early, and I just knew that something was wrong.  I could hear footsteps, creeping around in my pile of sleeping gold.  I very slowly opened one eye and standing, right in front of my nose, was a thief with the cutest little sword you’ve ever seen.  It’s really nice when you can get breakfast in bed!

I would like all of you to join me today, in wishing my dear friend … wait…gotta finish piling these rocks up over the last entrance to my private cave … there, now no one can get in … ahem … where was I? 
Oh, yeah…
in wishing my dear friend Lethal Leprechaun a Happy Birthday today! None of us have any idea how old he is, the last I knew he was keeping track by using the scientific method.  He was like 1.86 x 10³ years old or some such.  I know it’s all a ploy to try to avoid that mandatory Leprechaun retirement age.  I searched and searched and tried to find a picture of him (you will recall the baby picture of his dear Molly that appeared on HER birthday).  But, I couldn’t find a single person, not in witness protection, willing to admit they even knew him.  Even Molly, when I talked to her, and it came time to discuss Lethal either pled the 5th, kept repeating her name, rank and serial number, or swore she’d never be taken alive!
It was really kind of spooky.
I did manage to find one baby picture of him.  At least, it’s reported to be him…
 
I’m sure we can ALL see the resemblance.
All kidding aside.  Please join me in wishing our dear friend, Lethal Leprechaun, a happy and blessed birthday!
Cheers, my friend!

---

---

This one’s from Dad…thanks Dad:

---

---

Puns from Diaman:

An award winning dentist will be given a little plaque.

Is a dermatologist’s knowledge only skin deep?

To a cab driver, a rainy day means fare weather.

I’m inclined to be laid back.

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

---

---

This is why our taxes should be raised?? Come on!!!

http://revolutionarypolitics.tv/video/viewVideo.php?video_id=15915

---

Talk about GREAT stories….and this one’s true, to boot!

---

---

Finally, the true story as told by Hillary to world leaders…………
Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice.
The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.
The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.
The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little funny.
By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.
It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.
Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse.
By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom.
He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.
As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office with his trousers around his knees.
As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice,
“Sack my cook.”
And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

---

---

You can order this mug, and many others, by clicking on the store link on the home page of the blog, in the right column, towards the top.  Or, here’s the link right here for those of you who won’t go on line to our site and continue to frustrate us and make us cry by reading Dragon Laffs in your email, instead of out in the wild where it belongs! http://www.zazzle.com/dragonlaffsstore* 

---

A group of tourists were watching the re-enactment of an ancient Egyptian religious ritual. One turned to a nearby local, pointed to the statue that was being praised and asked, “Pardon me, but what was the name of that god supposed to be?”

“Why do you ask?” the man replied.

The tourist shrugged. “Just idol curiosity, I guess.”

---

---

---

---

Crazy Hitting Drill!

---

Today’s Last Word…is brought to you by CNN…The Muppets were not just for kids.  One of my dearest and oldest friends, when we were stationed together overseas, was a huge Muppet fan…okay, well, maybe not such a good example since Smitty was (and still is) one of the biggest kids I know but, still.  It was really nice of Google to do this for Jim and his family.  Maybe Dragon Laffs will someday be honored with a Google Doodle.

Google honors Jim Henson with Muppets doodle

(CNN) — The man behind the Muppets, Fraggle Rock and many of Sesame Street’s most beloved puppets got a 21st-century shout-out Friday, in the former of an interactive “doodle” atop Google’s main search engine page.

Jim Henson, who died in May of 1990, would have turned 75 on Friday. In his honor, the northern California technology company created a doodle with images of puppets much like those he’d created over the course of his legendary career.

Google posted a message on its official blog, in which Brian Henson, the chairman of The Jim Henson Company, described his father as a playful, happy, forgiving, visionary and creative figure.

“Every day for him was joyously filled with the surprises of other people’s ideas,” he wrote. “I often think that, if we all lived like that today, not only would life be more interesting, we’d all be a lot happier.”

On the doodle, the words “Jim Henson’s 75th birthday” occasionally appeared when users move their mouse over the graphic. Clicking on the phrase led to a Google search of Jim Henson.

 

Well things are starting to look up around here. Notre Dame finally won a game beating Michigan State decisively and without it being a comedy of errors game. Mean time Saturday we were graced with not one but two significant thunder storms lasting roughly 45 minutes each and producing out first seriously appreciable rain in a long time. While it basically didn’t make a serious impact on the drought situation here it did ease the grass and wild faire dangers in the area some and hopefully relax the ground a little so that the follow on showers they are promising for this week will soak in and not run off as a large part of the first shower did.

Update: I’m, writing this on Tuesday now as I prepare to send this to auto post. Not only did it rain for us on Saturday but twice Sunday and once very early yesterday morning as well and as with Saturday while not extremely long in duration when it did rain it went about it in a serious fashion. This has resulted in a 3 day total of over 2.36 inches of rain across the Houston area! Green is beginning to reassert itself as a predominate landscape cover  color once again.

Couple this with noticeably lower temps (high 80s to low 90s)which is significantly drier than it has been and  tings are actually becoming quite pleasant around here. If this trend keeps up I may have to start taking my morning coffee out on the patio again.

Ok well we have a very full issue today and a HUGE unveiling besides so lets get to it shall we?

 

Good To The Last Holy Hand Grenade!

JUMPSTART YOUR MORNING: Your daily java jolt can rev up your metabolism by 5 to 8%—about 98 to 174 calories a day!

With some misgivings, we left a young baby-sitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters.

When we returned a few hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV. I went to check on the children, and found them in our narrow hallway.  By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling.

“The baby-sitter taught us how,” they said gleefully.

The sitter joined me, her face a deep red.  “Since they had me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too,” she stammered.

We kept the same girl for the next two years.

Here’s that huge unveiling I promised you! How big a deal is this? Even Impish has not seem most of these final products and is getting to see them the same time you are!

We understand that our limited edition September 1tth Tenth Anniversary Memorial Mug is not to everyone’s tastes. I have come to find that unless you are from the  Mid to North Atlantic area its not all that big a deal anymore to most people. In fact the reaction is not unlike hearing California had another earthquake. it’s not effecting you and has no bearing on you so you simply move on.

While we are grateful to those of you who did buy then its clear the preponderance of you are looking for something else when it comes to DragonLaffs memorabilia. So today we are expanding our offerings. With several new items and graphic designs. All items shown can been seen and purchased at our DragonLaffs Store:

http://www.zazzle.com/dragonlaffsstore*

Our DragonLaffs.com  magnet bares our blog philosophy and is available round or square in 3 sizes to suit every need. It’s also available as a keychain for you keychain collectors and is exactly the same as the magnet.

Speaking of magnets, for you (all too few) Leprechaun fans we have:

And for you Readers who claim to love us both equally (yeah right!) or just plain can’t decide:

OK! OK! I hear you grumbling out there! Where are the coffee mugs Lethal? Give us the mugs!

PLEASE NOTE: The actual mug will differ slightly in that it has a powder blue handle and rim. The view in the store is correct and will be as the mug ships.

As if we had to ask and you didn’t already know

Impish has always said he loves our reader..its just not exactly how you thought he meant it. 

Lethal expounds his simple view on coffee and coffee drinkers.

One of our proudest and most popular graphic sentiments. Drink if you dare!

PLEASE NOTE: Trim color in incorrect here. The Maroon color shown in the store is how mug will ship.

I should note that many of these items have the customization option left on on their sale page. This means unlike out Sept 11th mug you can change the size and style of the mug to suit you. You might prefer a 15 oz mug over the 11 oz., a travel mug or a beer stein.

Undoubtedly the muse shall again afflict one or the other of us in the future and there will be some new things periodically and some old ones taken down. To lazy to scroll back up and find the link to the DragonLaffs store? Here it is again” :http://www.zazzle.com/dragonlaffsstore*  as soon as Impish gets to it a permanent link will appear on the upper right of the homepage for the blog with the others for the store.

Two men accused of barhopping with dead friend

It’s straight out of a popular movie, only police say it really happened in Denver recently.

Two men accused of driving around with a dead friend, using his ATM card and visiting a strip club are charged with abusing a corpse, identity theft and criminal impersonation.

Robert Young and Mark Rubinson are free on bond but they couldn’t be reached for comment Thursday.

It’s unclear how Jeffery Jarrett died, but the men are not charged in his death.

The Denver Post reports that in a less amusing real-life version of the film “Weekend at Bernie’s,” an affidavit accuses Young and Rubinson of leaving Jarrett’s body in the car while they drank at a bar on his tab Aug. 27.

Investigators allege the men stopped at a restaurant, returned Jarrett’s body to his home, used Jarrett’s ATM card and withdrew $400 at a strip club before reporting Jarrett’s death.

– The Associated Press

Seems to me they left out charges of Disrespecting the Dead, Criminal Tastelessness and Imbecilic Impersonation of a Movie by Idiots.

 

“It is possible to do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.”

Getting married, having children or partnering with a Dragon being three cases in point.

 

 

So last week we saw you can get your cremated ashes mixed into hunting cartridges and shot shell for one final hunting trip. Today we’ll check out a bunch of options on what you can do with your cremated remains for you non hunter~gather types .

12 Weird Things to Do With Your Cremated Remains

1. You Can Be Shot Into Space

Celestis made headlines in 1997 when they launched the cremated remains of 60’s icon Timothy Leary and Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry into space. For a fairly reasonable fee (starting at $695), you can send a “symbolic portion” of yourself on the next available mission, riding alongside a commercial or scientific satellite.

You can come back to Earth after the flight, or pay more to remain in orbit. You’ll stay there for an estimated 10 to 240 years before reentering the atmosphere in a blaze of fire. In the future, Celestis plans to launch cremated remains into the moon’s orbit, to the surface of the moon, and possibly into deep space.

2. You Can Be Exploded With Fireworks

Yes, you can literally “go out with a bang.”

Companies like Heaven’s Above Fireworks can pack a small portion of your ashes into professional-grade fireworks and stage a memorial display for your survivors. You can choose a big, noisy, colorful display or a quieter, more understated event.

For a smaller fee, you can have your ashes stuffed into small, self-fired rockets, so your family can have their own private fireworks ceremony at home.

3. You Can Be Mixed Into a Coral Reef

Environmentalist? Ocean lover? You can create your own “living legacy” by having your ashes turned into an artificial coral reef. Your remains will help restore damaged reefs and create a nurturing marine environment for fish and other forms of sea life.

Starting around $4,000, Eternal Reefs will mix your cremated remains into concrete, shape the artificial reef and place the reef out on the sea floor. Larger personal reefs can hold up to four people and include pets. If that’s too pricey, you can have your remains mixed together with others and as part of a complete reef system.

4. You Can Be Crushed Into a Diamond

Jewelry from human remains? It sounds ghoulish, but we’re not talking about necklaces made from bones or teeth.

With companies like LifeGem, your carbon remains (or a lock of your hair) can be crushed into a gemstone that is identical to a natural diamond on a molecular level. Using modern technology, this process only takes a few months instead of millions of years.

It’s not cheap, though. Expect to shell out a few grand for the smallest gems, and that doesn’t include the cost of the setting.

5. You Can Be Fired In Hand-Blown Glass

Can’t shell out a small fortune to be crushed into a diamond? For a fraction of the price, you can still be turned into bling at Memory Glass.

Starting around $150, the artists at Memory Glass take a small portion of cremated remains and infuse them into hand-blown glass keepsakes and jewelry. Each member of your family can get their own colorful glass pendant to wear on a chain or leather cord.

6. You Can Be Painted Into a Work of Art

The professional artist at Ashes to Portraits creates oil paintings of the deceased with traces of cremated ashes mixed in. If you like this idea, make sure you leave behind a large, close-up photograph to work from (at minimum, 4″ x 6″, but the bigger the better). They’ll also do portraits of your cremated pet.

If you prefer something less literal, you can send a bit of your ashes to Art in Ashes. Their staff painter creates colorful modern abstract art mixed with cremated remains. You can choose one of their pre-made compositions or let them know what colors you want to see.

7. You Can Be Launched in a Helium Balloon

Scattering cremated remains by airplane is fairly common these days, but it can be expensive and difficult for family members to participate. The Eternal Ascent Society makes aerial ash scattering more accessible and affordable by placing the ashes inside a large helium balloon and launching it into the clouds.

The balloon itself is 5 feet wide and comes in red, green, blue and yellow. About 6 miles up into the sky, the atmosphere gets so cold that the balloon will freeze and shatter, and your ashes will disperse into the clouds. It’s biodegradable, so you don’t have to worry about damaging the environment.

8. You Can Be Stuffed Into a Teddy Bear

Huggable Urns are stuffed animals with a lined velvet compartment inside to hold a person’s cremated remains. You can choose from a number of teddy bears, plush dogs and cats or just a simple, soft pillow.

You can send in a loved one’s clothing or special blanket to have a small outfit or accessory made for your Huggable Urn. They also make customized stuffed animals, if you’d like one that looks just like a deceased pet.

In Impish’s case a taxidermist would probably be preferable to an army of menacing teddy bears clad in dragon scales.

9. You Can Be Mounted to a Vehicle

Some people are happiest when they’re behind the wheel, and now you can be there permanently after your demise. A Mobile Cremation Urn can be mounted on a motorcycle, motor home, car, truck, police cruiser, cruise ship or pretty much anything else that moves.

You can personalize your mobile cremation urn with engraving, and add your picture to the mobile urn with your name or a favorite quote. You can also choose a commemorative disc for the end cap based on your religion, profession, military service or social organization.

10. You Can Be the Sand in an Hourglass

An interesting twist on the typical urn is the Hourglass Keepsake Urn. This hourglass is filled with cremated ashes instead of sand, creating a lovely symbol of the passage of time in every person’s life.

If you and your spouse or loved one would like to share an hourglass, your ashes can be mixed into a single urn.

11. You Can Be Turned Into a Box of Pencils

With this project, artist Nadine Jarvis is exploring the idea of turning a deceased person from “ashes to ashes.” She estimates that about 240 pencils could be made from the carbon of human cremains.

The pencils would be stored inside a specially designed box, with a sharpener in its side and a viewing window on top. When the pencils are sharpened into the side of the box, the pencil shavings turn into a new kind of ash, and the box becomes a kind of urn.

12. You Can Be Built Into a Pyramid

In ancient Egypt, the pyramids were built to hold the remains and worldly goods of the royal deceased. Unfortunately, these “permanent” monuments have deteriorated under the stresses of time, weather and incessant grave-robbing.

In modern times, a company called PYRA Development wants to build pyramids out of a high-impact polymer that would last over a million years. Each building block of the pyramid would contain the remains and memorabilia of a deceased person.

There’s no evidence that this project ever got off the ground, but it’s a fascinating idea nonetheless.

Finally two others not listed here I am aware of.

Your remains (or your entire urn) can be mixed with concrete (encased in it in case of the urn) and poured into a statue mold of your or your survivor’s choice.

Lastly, I knew this gay fella in San Francisco (surprise surprise) that wanted his ashes mixed as the thickening agent in a really spicy pot of chili ( hey at the temp they are subjected too they are sterile) and given to his life partner so he could rip up his partners ass one final time.

If you are offended by that last comment/joke please note the following BEFORE you voice your complaints~

1. Scroll back up to the top and re~read the warning posted there, particularly the fine print portion.
2. Direct ALL your complaints to Impish because I cleared it with him in addition to our censors.
3. If you are a chili head and writing to complain about the use of the ashes in place of masa flour as a thickening agent…Dude its not MY idea or recipe so stuff a scotch bonnet in it already!
4. If you’re gay, a liberal (but I repeat myself), a member of the P.C. police or a certain female Rodney King disciple from Israel recent taken to leaning to the far left,  you should know that while Don’t Ask ~ Don’t Tell may have been repealed in the U.S. military it has NOT been repealed in this blog! Nor is it EVER likely to be!
5. If you are gay, recently bereaved and writing for the chili recipe…I’ll see what I can do for you but no promises.
6. If you are Andrew Zimmer and looking for the next Bizarre Food feature…contact me directly as I have some of my Dad’s ashes and a killer South Texas chili recipe.

 

 

 

The Ways of Love

My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa.

She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war.

“We were in love,” she recalled, “and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was.”

“Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?” I asked.

“Oh, I didn’t marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman.”

 

 

http://www.campbellkitchen.com/coupon.aspx?fbid=FaWvZnYM3JW

Arby’s Extras Coupon -Shroom & Swiss sandwich

 

Select >> Print>> Redeem>> Save>> Repeat. ‘Nuff Said?

 

 

 

Retrieve lost product keys and serial numbers

Many of the programs you purchase require serial numbers. Even software that came preloaded probably had an identifying registration key. That’s how software makers curb piracy of their programs.

At some point, you’ll need access to those keys. Maybe you’ve just bought a new computer. Perhaps you’re fixing a problem with your current one. Whatever the reason, it’s important you have those numbers. Unfortunately, they often get lost.

It happens to the best of us. Luckily, many of those numbers are stored securely in the computer’s registry. The bad news: With the massive size of the registry, you could spend hours looking for them.

That’s why License Crawler is so valuable. It will quickly retrieve any product key or serial number stored on your computer. This makes it easy to transfer or reload your favorite programs. It’s also wise to keep those numbers handy before you need them. Go give License Crawler a try.

Cost: Free

Link: www.klinzmann.name   << For those (stifling a giggle) technically minded of you.

Down Load Page: http://www.freewarefiles.com/LicenseCrawler_program_44343.html  << For those who just want the program

System: Windows XP, Vista, 7

as seen@ Kimkommando.com

 

When It’s Okay To Fart In Public

A Helpful Guide Line for Flatulent Dragons and Other Butt Bassoonists

In your boss’ office as you are turning to leave.
Tip- Make sure it’s a silent one (Note to Impish: it reads BOSS’S Office NOT partners Office!)

In a bathroom (preferred location at all times ESPECALLY for Dragons )

In a cashier’s line – it might help to speed up things (Note to Impish: This does NOT refer to the cashier’s line in the company cafeteria!)

In an empty elevator before you get off ( Note to Impish: NOT our private executive elevator to our offices either!)

Next to an occupied changing room – it may quickly become unoccupied

In someone else’s unoccupied cubicle at work (Note to Impish: Some one who doesn’t sign your checks OR carry a Dragon Hunting Rifle!)

While parachuting (Note to Impish Flying is an acceptable substitute for parachuting, just stop trying to light them and call it JATO)

While scuba diving ( DO NOT play with the bubbles! Also this is not recommended if you are wearing a full body wet suit as it will radically alter your buoyancy causing you to rapidly shoot up and breach like a whale!)

In the back seat of a patrol car if you are arrested.

During interrogation if you’re the one being interrogated.

In your car if you’ve been carjacked.

In the changing room when you’re sure someone else is waiting his/her turn

In your car once you’ve been pulled over … the cop may let you go quicker

During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors

While walking down a crowded hallway. Nobody will know whom to blame ( Note to Impish: We automatically blame you even if we cannot see you in the immediate area so this one obviously does not apply to you while you are in the corporate offices.)

In one of those bomb sniffing cabinets in the airport security line. (Please write us from GITMO and let us know what happened after you let “the big one” go in the cabinet as this one is unconfirmed and the feedback will be valuable

 

 

10 Features of The Company Car

— Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.

— Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.

— Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.

— The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.

— It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.

— It needs cleaning less often than private cars.

— The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of

Bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.

— Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.

— It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.

— It is especially sand and waterproof for barbecues and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.

Southern jokes ‘y’all

Couple weeks back I responded to some disparaging comments about us Yankees made by some anonymous Son of (a bitch from) the South. Well today I figure as long as they fired the first volley it would be impolite of me as a True Blue Bellied Yankee not to return fire.

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

“Where’s Henry?” the others asked.

“Henry had a sprained ankle. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.

“You left Henry layin’ out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired.

“A tough call,” nodded the hunter. “But I figured no one’s gonna steal Henry!”

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my earrings.”

Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying …. “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.”

When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ’cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”

The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”

The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”

The driver replied, “Bout whut?” 

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.”

“Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ’cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’

And to add the final proof/insult…

Southern Donut Seeds

 

 

The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This “duel” would be a dog fight. The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people ‘the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweiler’s in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.

When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long! Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis.. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. 

All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute. As the  cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.

The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog.  As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog’s tail floating to the ground.

The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise. The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. “We do not understand,” said their leader, “Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweiler’s and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!”

The Israelis replied. “Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make a crocodile look like a Dachshund.

The moral? Never trust anything or anyone in the Middle East to be what they appear!

 

DOUBLE CHOCOLATE CHUNK COOKIES

1 cup butter, softened
1 cup granulated sugar
1 cup firmly packed dark brown sugar
2 large eggs
1 1/2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
2 1/2 cups uncooked quick-cooking oats
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 (11.5-ounce) package semisweet chocolate chunks
2 (1.55-ounce) milk chocolate candy bars, grated
1 cup chopped pecans, toasted
Beat butter and sugars at medium speed with an electric mixer until creamy. Add eggs and vanilla, beating until blended.
Pulse oats in a food processor to a fine powder.
Combine oats, flour, and next 3 ingredients in a large bowl; gradually add to butter mixture, beating well. Stir in chocolate chunks, grated chocolate bars, and pecans. Drop dough by 1/4 cupfuls onto lightly greased baking sheets.
Bake at 375° for 10 to 14 minutes or until desired degree of doneness. Remove cookies to wire racks to cool completely. Makes about 2 1/2 dozen.

Quick Minestrone Soup

Ingredients

•  3 14-ounce cans beef broth
•  1 15-ounce can kidney beans, rinsed and drained
•  1 15-ounce can garbanzo beans, rinsed and drained
•  1 14-1/2-ounce can low-sodium stewed tomatoes
•  1 11-1/2-ounce can vegetable juice
•  1 6-ounce can low-sodium tomato paste
•  2 teaspoons sugar
•  1 teaspoon dried Italian seasoning, crushed
•  1 1/2 cups loose-pack frozen mixed vegetables (such as an Italian blend)
•  2 cups fresh spinach leaves, cut into strips
•  2 cups cooked pasta (1 cup uncooked), such as small shells or mostaccioli
•  1/4 – 1/3 cups finely shredded Parmesan cheese (optional)

Directions

In a large kettle combine broth, beans, stewed tomatoes, vegetable juice, tomato paste, sugar, and Italian seasoning. Bring to boiling. Add mixed vegetables. Reduce heat. Cover and simmer about 10 minutes or until vegetables are tender. Add spinach and cooked pasta; heat through. To serve, ladle into bowls. If desired, sprinkle with Parmesan cheese. Makes 8 main-dish servings.

Total time to prepare: 25 min

8 Servings

Nutritional Information

1 serving:Calories 214;Fat 2g(Saturated 0g);Cholesterol 0mg;Sodium 975mg;Carbohydrate 41g(Dietary Fiber 9g);(Protein 12g)

Make-Ahead Tip:

Prepare soup up to the point where frozen vegetables are cooked until tender. Remove from heat; cool quickly. Refrigerate, covered, overnight. To serve, reheat soup over medium heat. Stir in spinach and cooked pasta. Heat through. If you like, serve it country-style over thick slices of toasted Italian bread.

 

WILL USA SURVIVE?

The folks who are getting the free stuff, don’t like the folks who are paying for the free stuff, because the folks who are paying for the free stuff can no longer afford to pay for both the free stuff and their own stuff.

The folks who are paying for the free stuff want the free stuff to stop, and the folks who are getting the free stuff want even more free stuff on top of the free stuff they are already getting!

Now… The people who are forcing the people who pay for the free stuff have told the people who are RECEIVING the free stuff, that the people who are PAYING for the free stuff, are being mean, prejudiced, and racist.

So… The people who are GETTING the free stuff have been convinced they need to hate the people who are paying for the free stuff by the people who are forcing some people to pay for their free stuff, and giving them the free stuff in the first place.  We have let the free stuff giving go on for so long that there are now more people getting free stuff than paying for the free stuff.

Now understand this. All great democracies have committed financial suicide somewhere between 200 and 250 years after being founded. The reason? The voters figured out they could vote themselves money from the treasury by electing people who promised to give them money from the treasury in exchange for electing them.

The United States officially became a Republic in 1776, 235 years ago. The number of people now getting free stuff outnumbers the people paying for the free stuff. We have one chance to change that. In 2012.

Failure to change that spells the end of the United States as we know it.

ELECTION 2012 IS COMING A Nation of Sheep Breeds a Government of Wolves!

I’M 100% for PASSING THIS ON!!! Let’s take a stand!!!

Obama: Gone!
Borders: Closed!  Immigration: severely limited! Automatic citizenship for being born here: No Longer!
 Language: English only
Culture: Constitution, and the Bill of Rights!
Drug Free: Mandatory Drug Screening before Welfare!
NO freebies to: Non-Citizens!

We the people are coming… and we are PISSED!