Well things are starting to look up around here. Notre Dame finally won a game beating Michigan State decisively and without it being a comedy of errors game. Mean time Saturday we were graced with not one but two significant thunder storms lasting roughly 45 minutes each and producing out first seriously appreciable rain in a long time. While it basically didn’t make a serious impact on the drought situation here it did ease the grass and wild faire dangers in the area some and hopefully relax the ground a little so that the follow on showers they are promising for this week will soak in and not run off as a large part of the first shower did.
Update: I’m, writing this on Tuesday now as I prepare to send this to auto post. Not only did it rain for us on Saturday but twice Sunday and once very early yesterday morning as well and as with Saturday while not extremely long in duration when it did rain it went about it in a serious fashion. This has resulted in a 3 day total of over 2.36 inches of rain across the Houston area! Green is beginning to reassert itself as a predominate landscape cover color once again.
Couple this with noticeably lower temps (high 80s to low 90s)which is significantly drier than it has been and tings are actually becoming quite pleasant around here. If this trend keeps up I may have to start taking my morning coffee out on the patio again.
Ok well we have a very full issue today and a HUGE unveiling besides so lets get to it shall we?
JUMPSTART YOUR MORNING: Your daily java jolt can rev up your metabolism by 5 to 8%—about 98 to 174 calories a day!
With some misgivings, we left a young baby-sitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters.
When we returned a few hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV. I went to check on the children, and found them in our narrow hallway. By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling.
“The baby-sitter taught us how,” they said gleefully.
The sitter joined me, her face a deep red. “Since they had me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too,” she stammered.
We kept the same girl for the next two years.
Here’s that huge unveiling I promised you! How big a deal is this? Even Impish has not seem most of these final products and is getting to see them the same time you are!
We understand that our limited edition September 1tth Tenth Anniversary Memorial Mug is not to everyone’s tastes. I have come to find that unless you are from the Mid to North Atlantic area its not all that big a deal anymore to most people. In fact the reaction is not unlike hearing California had another earthquake. it’s not effecting you and has no bearing on you so you simply move on.
While we are grateful to those of you who did buy then its clear the preponderance of you are looking for something else when it comes to DragonLaffs memorabilia. So today we are expanding our offerings. With several new items and graphic designs. All items shown can been seen and purchased at our DragonLaffs Store:
Our DragonLaffs.com magnet bares our blog philosophy and is available round or square in 3 sizes to suit every need. It’s also available as a keychain for you keychain collectors and is exactly the same as the magnet.
Speaking of magnets, for you (all too few) Leprechaun fans we have:
And for you Readers who claim to love us both equally (yeah right!) or just plain can’t decide:
OK! OK! I hear you grumbling out there! Where are the coffee mugs Lethal? Give us the mugs!
As if we had to ask and you didn’t already know
Impish has always said he loves our reader..its just not exactly how you thought he meant it.
Lethal expounds his simple view on coffee and coffee drinkers.
One of our proudest and most popular graphic sentiments. Drink if you dare!
PLEASE NOTE: Trim color in incorrect here. The Maroon color shown in the store is how mug will ship.
I should note that many of these items have the customization option left on on their sale page. This means unlike out Sept 11th mug you can change the size and style of the mug to suit you. You might prefer a 15 oz mug over the 11 oz., a travel mug or a beer stein.
Undoubtedly the muse shall again afflict one or the other of us in the future and there will be some new things periodically and some old ones taken down. To lazy to scroll back up and find the link to the DragonLaffs store? Here it is again” :http://www.zazzle.com/dragonlaffsstore* as soon as Impish gets to it a permanent link will appear on the upper right of the homepage for the blog with the others for the store.
Two men accused of barhopping with dead friend
It’s straight out of a popular movie, only police say it really happened in Denver recently.
Two men accused of driving around with a dead friend, using his ATM card and visiting a strip club are charged with abusing a corpse, identity theft and criminal impersonation.
Robert Young and Mark Rubinson are free on bond but they couldn’t be reached for comment Thursday.
It’s unclear how Jeffery Jarrett died, but the men are not charged in his death.
The Denver Post reports that in a less amusing real-life version of the film “Weekend at Bernie’s,” an affidavit accuses Young and Rubinson of leaving Jarrett’s body in the car while they drank at a bar on his tab Aug. 27.
Investigators allege the men stopped at a restaurant, returned Jarrett’s body to his home, used Jarrett’s ATM card and withdrew $400 at a strip club before reporting Jarrett’s death.
– The Associated Press
Seems to me they left out charges of Disrespecting the Dead, Criminal Tastelessness and Imbecilic Impersonation of a Movie by Idiots.
“It is possible to do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.”
Getting married, having children or partnering with a Dragon being three cases in point.
So last week we saw you can get your cremated ashes mixed into hunting cartridges and shot shell for one final hunting trip. Today we’ll check out a bunch of options on what you can do with your cremated remains for you non hunter~gather types .
12 Weird Things to Do With Your Cremated Remains
1. You Can Be Shot Into Space
Celestis made headlines in 1997 when they launched the cremated remains of 60’s icon Timothy Leary and Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry into space. For a fairly reasonable fee (starting at $695), you can send a “symbolic portion” of yourself on the next available mission, riding alongside a commercial or scientific satellite.
You can come back to Earth after the flight, or pay more to remain in orbit. You’ll stay there for an estimated 10 to 240 years before reentering the atmosphere in a blaze of fire. In the future, Celestis plans to launch cremated remains into the moon’s orbit, to the surface of the moon, and possibly into deep space.
2. You Can Be Exploded With Fireworks
Yes, you can literally “go out with a bang.”
Companies like Heaven’s Above Fireworks can pack a small portion of your ashes into professional-grade fireworks and stage a memorial display for your survivors. You can choose a big, noisy, colorful display or a quieter, more understated event.
For a smaller fee, you can have your ashes stuffed into small, self-fired rockets, so your family can have their own private fireworks ceremony at home.
3. You Can Be Mixed Into a Coral Reef
Environmentalist? Ocean lover? You can create your own “living legacy” by having your ashes turned into an artificial coral reef. Your remains will help restore damaged reefs and create a nurturing marine environment for fish and other forms of sea life.
Starting around $4,000, Eternal Reefs will mix your cremated remains into concrete, shape the artificial reef and place the reef out on the sea floor. Larger personal reefs can hold up to four people and include pets. If that’s too pricey, you can have your remains mixed together with others and as part of a complete reef system.
4. You Can Be Crushed Into a Diamond
Jewelry from human remains? It sounds ghoulish, but we’re not talking about necklaces made from bones or teeth.
With companies like LifeGem, your carbon remains (or a lock of your hair) can be crushed into a gemstone that is identical to a natural diamond on a molecular level. Using modern technology, this process only takes a few months instead of millions of years.
It’s not cheap, though. Expect to shell out a few grand for the smallest gems, and that doesn’t include the cost of the setting.
5. You Can Be Fired In Hand-Blown Glass
Can’t shell out a small fortune to be crushed into a diamond? For a fraction of the price, you can still be turned into bling at Memory Glass.
Starting around $150, the artists at Memory Glass take a small portion of cremated remains and infuse them into hand-blown glass keepsakes and jewelry. Each member of your family can get their own colorful glass pendant to wear on a chain or leather cord.
6. You Can Be Painted Into a Work of Art
The professional artist at Ashes to Portraits creates oil paintings of the deceased with traces of cremated ashes mixed in. If you like this idea, make sure you leave behind a large, close-up photograph to work from (at minimum, 4″ x 6″, but the bigger the better). They’ll also do portraits of your cremated pet.
If you prefer something less literal, you can send a bit of your ashes to Art in Ashes. Their staff painter creates colorful modern abstract art mixed with cremated remains. You can choose one of their pre-made compositions or let them know what colors you want to see.
7. You Can Be Launched in a Helium Balloon
Scattering cremated remains by airplane is fairly common these days, but it can be expensive and difficult for family members to participate. The Eternal Ascent Society makes aerial ash scattering more accessible and affordable by placing the ashes inside a large helium balloon and launching it into the clouds.
The balloon itself is 5 feet wide and comes in red, green, blue and yellow. About 6 miles up into the sky, the atmosphere gets so cold that the balloon will freeze and shatter, and your ashes will disperse into the clouds. It’s biodegradable, so you don’t have to worry about damaging the environment.
8. You Can Be Stuffed Into a Teddy Bear
Huggable Urns are stuffed animals with a lined velvet compartment inside to hold a person’s cremated remains. You can choose from a number of teddy bears, plush dogs and cats or just a simple, soft pillow.
You can send in a loved one’s clothing or special blanket to have a small outfit or accessory made for your Huggable Urn. They also make customized stuffed animals, if you’d like one that looks just like a deceased pet.
In Impish’s case a taxidermist would probably be preferable to an army of menacing teddy bears clad in dragon scales.
9. You Can Be Mounted to a Vehicle
Some people are happiest when they’re behind the wheel, and now you can be there permanently after your demise. A Mobile Cremation Urn can be mounted on a motorcycle, motor home, car, truck, police cruiser, cruise ship or pretty much anything else that moves.
You can personalize your mobile cremation urn with engraving, and add your picture to the mobile urn with your name or a favorite quote. You can also choose a commemorative disc for the end cap based on your religion, profession, military service or social organization.
10. You Can Be the Sand in an Hourglass
An interesting twist on the typical urn is the Hourglass Keepsake Urn. This hourglass is filled with cremated ashes instead of sand, creating a lovely symbol of the passage of time in every person’s life.
If you and your spouse or loved one would like to share an hourglass, your ashes can be mixed into a single urn.
11. You Can Be Turned Into a Box of Pencils
With this project, artist Nadine Jarvis is exploring the idea of turning a deceased person from “ashes to ashes.” She estimates that about 240 pencils could be made from the carbon of human cremains.
The pencils would be stored inside a specially designed box, with a sharpener in its side and a viewing window on top. When the pencils are sharpened into the side of the box, the pencil shavings turn into a new kind of ash, and the box becomes a kind of urn.
12. You Can Be Built Into a Pyramid
In ancient Egypt, the pyramids were built to hold the remains and worldly goods of the royal deceased. Unfortunately, these “permanent” monuments have deteriorated under the stresses of time, weather and incessant grave-robbing.
In modern times, a company called PYRA Development wants to build pyramids out of a high-impact polymer that would last over a million years. Each building block of the pyramid would contain the remains and memorabilia of a deceased person.
There’s no evidence that this project ever got off the ground, but it’s a fascinating idea nonetheless.
Finally two others not listed here I am aware of.
Your remains (or your entire urn) can be mixed with concrete (encased in it in case of the urn) and poured into a statue mold of your or your survivor’s choice.
Lastly, I knew this gay fella in San Francisco (surprise surprise) that wanted his ashes mixed as the thickening agent in a really spicy pot of chili ( hey at the temp they are subjected too they are sterile) and given to his life partner so he could rip up his partners ass one final time.
If you are offended by that last comment/joke please note the following BEFORE you voice your complaints~
Scroll back up to the top and re~read the warning posted there, particularly the fine print portion.
Direct ALL your complaints to Impish because I cleared it with him in addition to our censors.
If you are a chili head and writing to complain about the use of the ashes in place of masa flour as a thickening agent…Dude its not MY idea or recipe so stuff a scotch bonnet in it already!
If you’re gay, a liberal (but I repeat myself), a member of the P.C. police or a certain female Rodney King disciple from Israel recent taken to leaning to the far left, you should know that while Don’t Ask ~ Don’t Tell may have been repealed in the U.S. military it has NOT been repealed in this blog! Nor is it EVER likely to be!
If you are gay, recently bereaved and writing for the chili recipe…I’ll see what I can do for you but no promises.
If you are Andrew Zimmer and looking for the next Bizarre Food feature…contact me directly as I have some of my Dad’s ashes and a killer South Texas chili recipe.
The Ways of Love
My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa.
She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war.
“We were in love,” she recalled, “and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was.”
“Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?” I asked.
“Oh, I didn’t marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman.”
Select >> Print>> Redeem>> Save>> Repeat. ‘Nuff Said?
Retrieve lost product keys and serial numbers
Many of the programs you purchase require serial numbers. Even software that came preloaded probably had an identifying registration key. That’s how software makers curb piracy of their programs.
At some point, you’ll need access to those keys. Maybe you’ve just bought a new computer. Perhaps you’re fixing a problem with your current one. Whatever the reason, it’s important you have those numbers. Unfortunately, they often get lost.
It happens to the best of us. Luckily, many of those numbers are stored securely in the computer’s registry. The bad news: With the massive size of the registry, you could spend hours looking for them.
That’s why License Crawler is so valuable. It will quickly retrieve any product key or serial number stored on your computer. This makes it easy to transfer or reload your favorite programs. It’s also wise to keep those numbers handy before you need them. Go give License Crawler a try.
Link: www.klinzmann.name << For those (stifling a giggle) technically minded of you.
Down Load Page: http://www.freewarefiles.com/LicenseCrawler_program_44343.html << For those who just want the program
System: Windows XP, Vista, 7
as seen@ Kimkommando.com
When It’s Okay To Fart In Public
A Helpful Guide Line for Flatulent Dragons and Other Butt Bassoonists
In your boss’ office as you are turning to leave.
Tip- Make sure it’s a silent one (Note to Impish: it reads BOSS’S Office NOT partners Office!)
In a bathroom (preferred location at all times ESPECALLY for Dragons )
In a cashier’s line – it might help to speed up things (Note to Impish: This does NOT refer to the cashier’s line in the company cafeteria!)
In an empty elevator before you get off ( Note to Impish: NOT our private executive elevator to our offices either!)
Next to an occupied changing room – it may quickly become unoccupied
In someone else’s unoccupied cubicle at work (Note to Impish: Some one who doesn’t sign your checks OR carry a Dragon Hunting Rifle!)
While parachuting (Note to Impish Flying is an acceptable substitute for parachuting, just stop trying to light them and call it JATO)
While scuba diving ( DO NOT play with the bubbles! Also this is not recommended if you are wearing a full body wet suit as it will radically alter your buoyancy causing you to rapidly shoot up and breach like a whale!)
In the back seat of a patrol car if you are arrested.
During interrogation if you’re the one being interrogated.
In your car if you’ve been carjacked.
In the changing room when you’re sure someone else is waiting his/her turn
In your car once you’ve been pulled over … the cop may let you go quicker
During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors
While walking down a crowded hallway. Nobody will know whom to blame ( Note to Impish: We automatically blame you even if we cannot see you in the immediate area so this one obviously does not apply to you while you are in the corporate offices.)
In one of those bomb sniffing cabinets in the airport security line. (Please write us from GITMO and let us know what happened after you let “the big one” go in the cabinet as this one is unconfirmed and the feedback will be valuable
10 Features of The Company Car
— Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.
— Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.
— Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.
— The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.
— It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.
— It needs cleaning less often than private cars.
— The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of
Bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.
— Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.
— It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.
— It is especially sand and waterproof for barbecues and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.
Southern jokes ‘y’all
Couple weeks back I responded to some disparaging comments about us Yankees made by some anonymous Son of (a bitch from) the South. Well today I figure as long as they fired the first volley it would be impolite of me as a True Blue Bellied Yankee not to return fire.
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
“Where’s Henry?” the others asked.
“Henry had a sprained ankle. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.
“You left Henry layin’ out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired.
“A tough call,” nodded the hunter. “But I figured no one’s gonna steal Henry!”
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my earrings.”
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying …. “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.”
When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ’cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”
The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”
The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”
The driver replied, “Bout whut?”
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.”
“Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ’cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’
And to add the final proof/insult…
Southern Donut Seeds
The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This “duel” would be a dog fight. The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people ‘the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.
The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweiler’s in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.
When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long! Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis.. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp.
All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute. As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.
The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog’s tail floating to the ground.
The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise. The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. “We do not understand,” said their leader, “Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweiler’s and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!”
The Israelis replied. “Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make a crocodile look like a Dachshund.
The moral? Never trust anything or anyone in the Middle East to be what they appear!
DOUBLE CHOCOLATE CHUNK COOKIES
1 cup butter, softened
1 cup granulated sugar
1 cup firmly packed dark brown sugar
2 large eggs
1 1/2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
2 1/2 cups uncooked quick-cooking oats
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 (11.5-ounce) package semisweet chocolate chunks
2 (1.55-ounce) milk chocolate candy bars, grated
1 cup chopped pecans, toasted
Beat butter and sugars at medium speed with an electric mixer until creamy. Add eggs and vanilla, beating until blended.
Pulse oats in a food processor to a fine powder.
Combine oats, flour, and next 3 ingredients in a large bowl; gradually add to butter mixture, beating well. Stir in chocolate chunks, grated chocolate bars, and pecans. Drop dough by 1/4 cupfuls onto lightly greased baking sheets.
Bake at 375° for 10 to 14 minutes or until desired degree of doneness. Remove cookies to wire racks to cool completely. Makes about 2 1/2 dozen.
Quick Minestrone Soup
• 3 14-ounce cans beef broth
• 1 15-ounce can kidney beans, rinsed and drained
• 1 15-ounce can garbanzo beans, rinsed and drained
• 1 14-1/2-ounce can low-sodium stewed tomatoes
• 1 11-1/2-ounce can vegetable juice
• 1 6-ounce can low-sodium tomato paste
• 2 teaspoons sugar
• 1 teaspoon dried Italian seasoning, crushed
• 1 1/2 cups loose-pack frozen mixed vegetables (such as an Italian blend)
• 2 cups fresh spinach leaves, cut into strips
• 2 cups cooked pasta (1 cup uncooked), such as small shells or mostaccioli
• 1/4 – 1/3 cups finely shredded Parmesan cheese (optional)
In a large kettle combine broth, beans, stewed tomatoes, vegetable juice, tomato paste, sugar, and Italian seasoning. Bring to boiling. Add mixed vegetables. Reduce heat. Cover and simmer about 10 minutes or until vegetables are tender. Add spinach and cooked pasta; heat through. To serve, ladle into bowls. If desired, sprinkle with Parmesan cheese. Makes 8 main-dish servings.
Total time to prepare: 25 min
1 serving:Calories 214;Fat 2g(Saturated 0g);Cholesterol 0mg;Sodium 975mg;Carbohydrate 41g(Dietary Fiber 9g);(Protein 12g)
Prepare soup up to the point where frozen vegetables are cooked until tender. Remove from heat; cool quickly. Refrigerate, covered, overnight. To serve, reheat soup over medium heat. Stir in spinach and cooked pasta. Heat through. If you like, serve it country-style over thick slices of toasted Italian bread.
WILL USA SURVIVE?
The folks who are getting the free stuff, don’t like the folks who are paying for the free stuff, because the folks who are paying for the free stuff can no longer afford to pay for both the free stuff and their own stuff.
The folks who are paying for the free stuff want the free stuff to stop, and the folks who are getting the free stuff want even more free stuff on top of the free stuff they are already getting!
Now… The people who are forcing the people who pay for the free stuff have told the people who are RECEIVING the free stuff, that the people who are PAYING for the free stuff, are being mean, prejudiced, and racist.
So… The people who are GETTING the free stuff have been convinced they need to hate the people who are paying for the free stuff by the people who are forcing some people to pay for their free stuff, and giving them the free stuff in the first place. We have let the free stuff giving go on for so long that there are now more people getting free stuff than paying for the free stuff.
Now understand this. All great democracies have committed financial suicide somewhere between 200 and 250 years after being founded. The reason? The voters figured out they could vote themselves money from the treasury by electing people who promised to give them money from the treasury in exchange for electing them.
The United States officially became a Republic in 1776, 235 years ago. The number of people now getting free stuff outnumbers the people paying for the free stuff. We have one chance to change that. In 2012.
Failure to change that spells the end of the United States as we know it.
ELECTION 2012 IS COMING A Nation of Sheep Breeds a Government of Wolves!
I’M 100% for PASSING THIS ON!!! Let’s take a stand!!!
Borders: Closed! Immigration: severely limited! Automatic citizenship for being born here: No Longer!
Language: English only
Culture: Constitution, and the Bill of Rights!
Drug Free: Mandatory Drug Screening before Welfare!
NO freebies to: Non-Citizens!
We the people are coming… and we are PISSED!