Dragon Laffs #1242


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Tresspasser2_thumb1_thumb_thumb_thum[1]Good Morning Campers… I’m so excited!  I got my new mug in theIMG_2304 mail last night from our Dragon Laffs store!  It is way cool!  And there’s still a little time left to get your 911 mug!
Anyway….
It’s Saturday, a day of rest and relaxation…unless you’re married, then it’s a day normally overwhelmingly orchestrated by a Honey-Do List from the wonderful women in our lives (Yes, she’s probably listening to us right now!)  So, while I start this small list of things that need to be done today (wink, wink, nod, nod…I’m really hiding out in my private cavern) Why don’t you guys get to today’s issue?
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Yup, that was me this morning…. I slept in, all the way till 0700!!! Then handed this incredible list!


Philosophy of Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE
IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1. DON’T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON’T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND
APES?

5  THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE
ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, “WHERE’S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?” SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO “GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?”

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN
ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO
REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

  27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD ‘LISP’ TO HAVE ‘S’ IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED “HEMORRHOIDS” INSTEAD OF “ASSTEROIDS”?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33.  IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY
BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD ?


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DragonPapa1 (143)


Not what you think….


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More Puns from our resident Punster, Diaman:

Calves take well to bottle feeding because one nipple is as good as an udder.


Back seat drivers seldom run out of gas.
 
Most tailors give their customers fits.
 
Thief caught stealing corn from garden – charged with stalking!


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Bees take over an entire house!
http://www.wimp.com/beeshouse/


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And now, for another round of Dear (blank), Sincerely, (blank)…

Dear cruise ship band,
At what point did you think it was a good time to sing ‘My Heart Will Go On?’
 
Dear movie theater,
You see that big purse my sister is carrying? Yeah. We stopped at the Dollar Store on our way here to get candy.

Public Service 1

This gives us something to think about with all our new electronic technology.

GPS

A friend had their car broken into while they were at a football game.  Their car was parked on the green which was adjacent to the football stadium and specially allotted to football fans.  Things stolen from the car included a garage door remote control, some money and a GPS which had been prominently mounted on the dashboard.

When the victims got home, they found that their house had been ransacked and just about everything worth anything had been stolen.

The thieves had used the GPS to guide them to the house.  They then used the garage remote control to open the garage door and gain entry to the house.  The thieves knew the owners were at the football game, they knew what time the game was scheduled to finish and so they knew how much time they had to clean out the house.  It appeared that they had brought a truck to empty the house of its contents.

Something to consider if you have a GPS – don’t put your home address in it.  Put a nearby address (like a store or gas station) so you can still find your way home if you need to, but no one else would know where you live if your GPS were stolen.

MOBILE PHONES — I would never have thought of this…….

This lady has now changed her habit of how she lists her names on her mobile phone after her handbag was stolen.  Her handbag, which contained her cell phone, credit card, wallet… etc… was stolen.

20 minutes later when she called her hubby, from a pay phone telling him what had happened, hubby says ‘I received your text asking about our Pin number and I’ve replied a little while ago.’

When they rushed down to the bank, the bank staff told them all the money was already withdrawn.  The thief had actually used the stolen cell phone to text ‘hubby’ in the contact list and got hold of the pin number.  Within 20 minutes he had withdrawn all the money from their bank account.

Moral of the lesson:

Do not disclose the relationship between you and the people in your contact list.

Avoid using names like Home, Honey, Hubby, Sweetheart, Dad, Mom, etc….

And very importantly, when sensitive info is being asked through texts, CONFIRM by calling back.

 

Also, when you’re being text by friends or family to meet them somewhere, be sure to call back to confirm that the message came from them.  If you don’t reach them, be very careful about going places to meet ‘family and friends’ who text you.

*PLEASE PASS THIS ON

* I never thought about the above!

As of now, I no longer have ‘home’ listed on my cell phone.

Even if this does not pertain to you….Pass it on to your family & friends


Sunday, President Obama talked about his jobs act bill at 1030
from the Rose Garden. The speech was simulcast in Chinese and
Hindi, so the people who will actually get these jobs could follow along.

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The Post Office says it may shut down by winter if it goes into
default as they are losing business by people using the Internet
more for communication. Although the Post Office argues it is
still faster than the Internet for people who subscribe to AOL.

 

This is as good an explanation as any that I’ve heard!

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The U.S. Government has 248,000 foreclosed homes it needs
to sell. They should ask congressional lobbyists who
buy and sell the House of Representatives every day.

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The Dallas Cowboys and New York Jets Sunday drew NBC’s
highest Sunday ratings in history. People want to enjoy football
while they can. The president’s new jobs bill may tax teams that
score over two touchdowns per half to help make the game more equal.

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Tim Pawlenty endorsed Mitt Romney, calling him a “bedrock
conservative.” When he heard this, John McCain said, “I grew
up in Bedrock, and I don’t remember seeing him.”


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teenagers

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To understand the above Motivational…you have to have seen the movie…

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Okay, and one more for the people who didn’t think the “Binception” one was funny…
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The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

  • Italy is asking China to help bail them out of their debt crisis. Doesn’t that make you mad? Hey Italy, China is our sugar daddy.
  • The Democrats lost a seat they’ve held in New York since the 1920s. The White House said, “At least President Obama created one new job.”
  • Dick Cheney was grilled by the women of “The View.” So apparently he’s willing to undergo torture himself to prove a point.
  • After saying the jobs bill is paid for, President Obama now says that it will be paid for by raising taxes over 10 years. I can’t figure out if he’s the kind of guy who makes infomercials, or the kind of guy who falls for infomercials.


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POV from K²

You may have heard on the news about a southern California man that was placed under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had an estimated 1-million rounds of ammunition stored in his home. His house also had a secret escape tunnel. My favorite quote from the television reporter was, “Wow! He has about a million machine gun bullets.” The headline referred to it as a “massive weapons cache”. By southern California standards, the man was assumed to be “mentally unstable.” However, if the same guy lived…

In Arizona , he’d be called “an avid gun collector”.

In Arkansas, he’d be called “a novice gun collector”.

In Utah, he’d be called “moderately well prepared”, but they’d probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Montana, he’d be called, “The neighborhood Go-To guy”.

In Idaho, he’d be called, “a likely gubernatorial candidate”.

In Wyoming, he’d be called, “an eligible bachelor”.

And, in Texas, he’d be called, “a deer hunting buddy”.


700


Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they came
to the corral, he explained, “That’s a bull and a cow, and he’s
serving her.” A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said,
“That’s a stud and a mare, and he’s serving her, too.”
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said,
Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, “Will you please serve the
turkey?”
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, “If he does, I’m eating a hamburger!”


701ME TOO!!!!!


This is Joey, everybody!

At a factory in Lansing, Michigan, a young soldier returns from being stationed in Kuwait to surprise his unsuspecting mother.

You’ll want to get the tissues first!

http://www.sonnyradio.com/soldier-surprises-mom.html


Is it just me…?

702 If Mark Zuckerberg Was A Chef

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10 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1242

  1. elektrische zigarette the Gemanic Schnitzel Spammer says:

    Fantastic goods from you, man. I have understand your stuff previous to and you are just extremely magnificent. I really like what you’ve acquired here, certainly like what you’re stating and the way in which you say it. You make it entertaining and you still care for to keep it smart. I cant wait to read far more from you. This is really a tremendous web site.

    • lethalleprechaun says:

      Excessive and verbose brown nosing is appreciated (and indeed in case of Impish Dragon a great survival technique), however it still gets your Schnitzengruben spam links deleted mein Verdammter stummer Esel!

      And just so there is no miscommunication about it over language barriers let me put it like this:

      Das übermäßige und ausführliche braune Riechen wird (und in der Tat im Falle des schelmischen Drachen eine große Überlebenstechnik) geschätzt, gleichwohl es noch Ihr Schnitzengruben Spam Verbindungen gelöschtes mein Verdammter stummer Esel erhält!!

  2. ” .. a liberal elitist snob cable news ancor.” Oh my Lethal – that’s more intimidating than “on pain of death.”

    After much consideration, I vote to leave Impish “populated”. God forbid do anything that could cause an adverse reation towards DragonLaffs content. I don’t think I could take it.

    Thus far, I’ve discovered that you guys have a private corporate elevator, AND Impish gets paid for housing multiple personalities. I’m definitely writing in the wrong genres. I still live in a one level house, and my “office” is a work space in my room, lol. However, I do have the coolest desk in the world to work from, thanks to McGuyver who lives next door, and custom built it for me. That aside, danggg! A private elevator and headspace rental! I’m a hair from jealousy, lol. (I’m teasing about the jealousy. I’d nearly always rather take the stairs. It’s the THOUGHT of it I find alluring, lol.)

    Freud – c’mon guys. Freud? He was the father of cracked and whacked’dom. No WONDER Impish is fouled up! And, fair warning, Lethal, psychosis via osmosis. (wink)

    Christian, yes. Gentle depends on whom you’re talking to.

    It’s still bugging me that I can’t get the bin thing.

    And last, I checked the mugs. Wasn’t there one available that had the both of your charismatic avatars on it, with the Dragon Laffs logo? I thought that one was the most unbiased (in regards to favoritisim) and will add chracter to my oh-so-cool desk while it holds that magical life-enhancing brew I drink so much of.

    I’d advise you to stay sane and be safe, but … I’ll just leave it at be safe.

    🙂

    Angelia

    • impishdragon says:

      Okay, a quick explanation of “Binception”. The movie Inception , was about a group of people who were able to get inside your dream and make you dream in a certain manner in order to gain information from you that only you possessed. (The location of money, information, important documents, etc.) Well, if you were really good at it, you could, in the dream, make people dream that they were in yet another dream, in order to fool some of the defenses that they might have against the first dream. And the whole idea of Inception, was the third dream, the dream, within a dream, that’s within a dream. If you look at the picture that is Binception, there is a bin, within a bin, within a bin.

      That’s it. That’s the whole gag. Without watching the movie, it really doesn’t make much sense.

      Now, I’m on my way down to the hot springs, in the lower caverns, to try and soak some of this ache out of my head. Some of the voices had a bit of a party last night and the others spent the night complaining about it. I think I’ll stop by the corporate Icee Machine on my way and try to give myself brain-freeze to teach them ALL a lesson!

      Cheers,

      Impish

    • lethalleprechaun says:

      I have to admit I have read references to your ‘MacGyver’ desk in both your blog and now here as well and I am intrigued. Perhaps some photos are in order? If you know my name add ‘ymail’ in the appropriate form to the end and you get a valid e-mail address for me. No spaces between first and last names now!

      Actually Angela there are several items that feature us both, however as recently as Sunday night we (ok actually me Impish was too busy apparently refereeing an imaginary tenants dispute in his head) discover there seems to be a glitch in our store and though I go and reset it constantly to show all our products whenever I go back it only shows 3!

      Here are some suggestions for you to shop showing both of us.
      DragonLaffs.com Impish & Lethal Refrigerator Magnet
      http://www.zazzle.com/dragonlaffs_com_impish_lethal_magnet-147729790463212971

      DragonLaffs.com -We’re Not Mythical! Coffee Mug
      http://www.zazzle.com/dragonlaffs_com_were_not_mythical_mug-168666321113247107

      DragonLaffs.com- Don’t Tell Us Its Raining Coffee Mug
      http://www.zazzle.com/dragonlaffs_com_dont_tell_us_its_raining_mug-168449889192191811

      Hope you find something you like!

      If the problem continues with the store front I may put a page up the top with pictures and permanent links to the items to get around the issue

  3. lethalleprechaun says:

    Angela a couple comments and observations in reply to yours.

    First off, Impish’s problems are both epic and legendary in scope and in the psychiatric community. The story goes that even the father of psychiatry Freud diagnosed Impish as “full goose Bozo nucking futz”

    Secondly a good portion of Impish’s income is derived from renting those other voices in his head space.Now honestly I’m not sure how that works exactly (and for my own sanity I’d prefer NOT to ever know) but I get checks each month from those voices to deposit to Impish’s account

    Third were we to miraculously be able get and afford all the help and care Impish needs, have you considered the effect that would have on DragonLaffs? He’d either be cured or committed, neither of which bodes well for DragonLaffs continuation! Who would I have then to make fun of or better yet to make ME look sane?

    Lastly being the fine upstanding gentle Christian woman you are have you stopped to consider you may be happier NOT getting the “trash-bin thing’?? Remember for a moment who and what you are dealing with and that insanity can be contagious!

    Semi-sanely (for the moment anyway)

    Lethal

    • impishdragon says:

      Ok…wait just a darn minute…
      I’m paying to hang out in this dank dark little mind?
      I’m being robbed!
      signed,
      One of the many

      • lethalleprechaun says:

        We can evict you into the light of sanity if you’re going to complain or worse yet forcibly relocate you to the mind of a liberal elitist snob cable news anchor.

        Your pick I’ve a LONG line of crazy just waiting to call Impish’s psyche home

  4. I’m still not getting the trash-bin thing. :s

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