Good Morning Campers…or, by the time I get this done and out, Good Afternoon Campers.  I have just spent the last 3 nights sending bunches of Airmen (the short-hand plural for members of the Air Force) off on deployment to two different locations.  The nights are my prime Dragon Laffs creation time so therefore, I’m a tiny bit behind this morning.  All this being said is a very long-winded way of explaining why Dragon Laffs is late today.

The New Year, a traditional time to look back at the year that has just passed and to take a look forward at the year to come.  As you will see, there are a couple of “Year-in-Review” items today  as well as a list of Dragon resolutions and finally, finishing off with a list that could be considered resolutions, but is hilariously funny all the same.  All in all this is a pretty big issue with lots of fun….or it will be….when I finish it….

Hey!  On with the show!

But YOU have nothing to worry about.

They prey on younger men…

As is very appropriate at this time of year, a very nice look back at 2011: http://www.makeuseof.com/tech-fun/what-the-world-searched-for-on-google-in-2011/

Just to keep you in the holiday spirit please answer the question at the top of the exhibit…the correct answer is at the bottom ……

Which one of the women below has breast implants?

Answer:

Who cares!

The fruit farmer was plum happy he pruned his orchard last fall.

For a tree pun I had to go out on a limb and branch out to some other sources.

What’s the deal with negotiations?

My hematologist said my outlook is good since I’m a B Positive type.

Skydiving, good to the last drop.

How does Santa Claus take pictures?
With his North Pole-a-roid.

Impish Dragon’s New Year’s Resolutions for 2012:

1. I will not do the “table cloth trick” at parties or for youtube anymore:

2. I will always follow safety rules and regulations:

3. I will make sure there is ALWAYS toilet paper in the ladies restroom at Dragon Laffs Enterprises:

4.  I will remember that there is a hero inside all of us:

http://www.youtube.com/embed/MDOrzF7B2Kg?rel=0

5. This one requires no more explanation:

6. I will not coat Lethal Leprechaun’s bath towels with this stuff: http://www.wimp.com/superhydrophobiccoating/

7.  I resolve to get less stress in my life:

8. I resolve to buy the lady a bottle opener

Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant. My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, “God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Papa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!”

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, “That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!”

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, “Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?”

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.  He winked at my grand-son and said, “I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.”

“Really?” my grand-son asked.

“Cross my heart,” the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), “Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.”

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, “Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch! “

The End

John has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out John’s Last Will and Testament:
To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.
“To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar.
“To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000.
“And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill.”

 

Okay, another, more serious look back…Occupy Wall Street started off slowly and quietly and basically took off around the world.  That would be a great and wonderful thing if it was even a somewhat honorable subject.  But the fact of the matter is that the OWS movement is nothing more than a temper tantrum for entitlement!  Like a 4 year old throwing a temper tantrum in the grocery store because you won’t buy him any candy.  I am entitled to it because I want it….what a bunch of crap.  But, don’t just listen to my ranting, here’s a short essay by Marybeth Hicks who does the subject great justice.  Thanks to K² for sharing.

By Marybeth Hicks

Call it an occupational hazard, but I can’t look at the Occupy Wall Street protesters without thinking, “Who parented these people?”
As a culture columnist, I’ve commented on the social and political ramifications of the “movement” – now known as “OWS” – whose fairyland agenda can be summarized by one of their placards: “Everything for everybody.”
Thanks to their pipe-dream platform, it’s clear there are people with serious designs on “transformational” change in America who are using the protesters like bedsprings in a brothel. (Nice line that.  I’ll have to use that one!)
Yet it’s not my role as a commentator that prompts my parenting question, but rather the fact that I’m the mother of four teens and young adults.
There are some crucial life lessons that the protesters’ moms clearly have not passed along.
Here, then, are five things the OWS protesters’ mothers should have taught their children but obviously didn’t, so I will:
• Life isn’t fair. The concept of justice – that everyone should be treated
fairly – is a worthy and worthwhile moral imperative on which our nation was
founded. But justice and economic equality are not the same. Or, as Mick
Jagger said, “You can’t always get what you want.” No matter how you try to
“level the playing field,” some people have better luck, skills, talents or
connections that land them in better places. Some seem to have all the
advantages in life but squander them, others play the modest hand they’re
dealt and make up the difference in hard work and perseverance, and some
find jobs on Wall Street and eventually buy houses in the Hamptons. Is it
fair? Stupid question.
• Nothing is “free.” Protesting with signs that seek “free” college degrees
and “free” health care make you look like idiots, because colleges and
hospitals don’t operate on rainbows and sunshine. There is no magic money
machine to tap for your meandering educational careers and “slow paths” to
adulthood, and the 53 percent of taxpaying Americans owe you neither a
degree nor an annual physical.
While I’m pointing out this obvious fact, here are a few other things that
are not free: overtime for police officers and municipal workers, trash
hauling, repairs to fixtures and property, condoms, Band-Aids and the food
that inexplicably appears on the tables in your makeshift protest kitchens.
Real people with real dollars are underwriting your civic temper tantrum.
• Your word is your bond. When you demonstrate to eliminate student loan
debt, you are advocating precisely the lack of integrity you decry in
others. Loans are made based on solemn promises to repay them. No one forces
you to borrow money; you are free to choose educational pursuits that don’t
require loans, or to seek technical or vocational training that allows you
to support yourself and your ongoing educational goals. Also, for the
record, being a college student is not a state of victimization. It’s a
privilege that billions of young people around the globe would die for –
literally.
• A protest is not a party. On Saturday in New York, while making a mad dash
from my cab to the door of my hotel to avoid you, I saw what isn’t evident
in the newsreel footage of your demonstrations: Most of you are doing this
only for attention and fun. Serious people in a sober pursuit of social and
political change don’t dance jigs down Sixth Avenue like attendees of a
Renaissance festival. You look foolish, you smell gross, you are clearly
high and you don’t seem to realize that all around you are people who deem
you irrelevant.
• There are reasons you haven’t found jobs. The truth? Your tattooed necks,
gauged ears, facial piercings and dirty dreadlocks are off-putting.
Nonconformity for the sake of nonconformity isn’t a virtue. Occupy reality:
Only 4 percent of college graduates are out of work. If you are among that 4
percent, find a mirror and face the problem. It’s not them. It’s you.

Please, please, please be very careful tonight.  Even if you don’t drink, if you are driving, know that there are other cars on the road with you who have been!  I want each and every one of you to be back here tomorrow.

FREE RIDE HOME ON NEW YEARS EVE… NO excuses, folks. Don’t drink and drive-
And
Don’t ride with anybody who does.

Tipsy Tow offered by AAA: You don’t have to be an AAA member, from 6pm-6am On New Year’s Eve/Day they will take your drunk self And your car home for FREE. Save this number… 1-800-222-4357 .

Please re-post this if you don’t mind to help save lives. This is a nationwide program, although it’s not available everywhere, it is worth trying out if you find yourself in need. Read more here.

Today’s Last Word…comes from my boss…but where it came from before then is not really clear.  At this time of year, it is appropriate to write your “New Year Resolutions” and you can look at this list in that light. It was sent to me with this description:

I was looking through some old files and came across this. Excellent
examples of what NOT to do as a young, motivated member of the armed forces.

From there, well, you can figure out a lot about the original author by the VERY unusual contents of this list….

213 Things NOT to do in the Army (or any other branch of the service for that matter).  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

The Skippy List

Explanations of these events:

a) I did myself, and either got in trouble or commended. (I had a Major shake my hand for the piss bottle thing, for instance.)
b) I witnessed another soldier do it. (Like the Sergeant we had, that basically went insane, and crucified some dead mice.)
c) Was spontaneously informed I was not allowed to do. (Like start a porn studio.)
d) Was the result of a clarification of the above. (“What about especially patriotic porn?”)
e) I was just minding my own business, when something happened. (“Schwarz…what is *that*?” said the Sgt, as he pointed to the back of my car? “Um….a rubber sheep…I can explain why that’s there….”)

To explain how I’ve stayed out of jail/alive/not beaten up too badly….. I’m funny, so they let me live.

The 213 Things….

1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I’m supposed to be working.

2. My proper military title is “Specialist Schwarz” not “Princess Anastasia”.

3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

4. Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.

7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don’t like to War Criminal posters.

9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over it”.

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.

11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party.

12. Not allowed to join any militia.

13. Not allowed to form any militia.

14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.

15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!”

16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”.

17. God may not contradict any of my orders.

18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty.

19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I’m right.

20. Must not taunt the French any more.

21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.

22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”.

23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they’ve been smoking crack.

24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it’s true.

25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.

26. Never tell a German soldier that “We kicked your ass in World War 2!”

27. Don’t tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).

28. Don’t take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).

29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charms”.

30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.

31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt” by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I’m off to meet my maker”)

36. Can’t have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn’t over).

37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasa”, not “Dr. Feelgood”.

38. Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins” not “Sugar Daddy”.

39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

40. I do not have super-powers.

41. “Keep on Trucking” is *not* a psychological warfare message.

42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind’s baser instincts in recruitment posters.

43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

44. I am not the atheist chaplain.

45. I am not allowed to “Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy’s little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies”.

46. I am not authorized to fire officers.

47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.

48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.

49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.

50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.

51. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss” on military operations.

52. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra” at the rifle range.

53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range.

54. “Napalm sticks to kids” is *not* a motivational phrase.

55. An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots” does *not* involve fruit.

56. An order to “Make my Boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape.

57. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”

58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we’ve all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.

60. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.

61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”.

62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.

63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.

64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.

65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

66. There is no “Anti-Mime” campaign in Bosnia.

67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.

68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”.

69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.

70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.

71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.

72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.

73. No military functions are to be performed “Skyclad”.

74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.

75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.

76. “Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around” is *not* a cadence.

77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them “You don’t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for.”

78. I may not call block my chain of command.

79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.

80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.

81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.

82. May not form any press gangs.

83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with “I recently had an experience I just had to write you about….”

84. Must not use military vehicles to “Squish” things.

85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.

86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the “field of honor”.

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as “Mom”.

89. Must not refer to the Commander as “Dad”.

90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.

91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.

92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony “Romper Bomper Stomper Boo” is probably not appropriate.

93. Nerve gas is not funny.

94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

96. “Redneck Zombies” is not a military training aid.

97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.

98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not “Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.”

99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.

100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.

101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.

102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are “casualties of war”.

103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.

104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a “Cool Mint” Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.

105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.

106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.

107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.

108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.

109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.

110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.

111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.

112. When saluting a “leg” officer, an appropriate greeting is not “Airborne leads the wa- oh…sorry sir”.

113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from “Full Monty” every time I hear the song “Hot Stuff”.

114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.

115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.

116. Crucifying mice – bad idea.

117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.

118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires – therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.

119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.

120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.

121. I should not use government resources to “waterproof” dirty magazines.

122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.

123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.

124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

127. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.

128. “Shpadoinkle” is not a real word.

129. The Microsoft ® “Dancing Paperclip” is not authorized to countermand any orders.

130. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.

131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.

132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.

133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.

134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.

135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.

136. Shouting “Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fucking village!” while out on a mission is bad.

137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.

138. Even if my commander did it.

139. Must not teach interpreters how to make “MRE” bombs.

140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.

141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword”.

142. “Calvin-Ball” is not authorized PT.

143. I do not need to keep a “range card” by my window.

144. “K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free” is not an authorized uniform.

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.

148. Putting red “Mike and Ike’s” ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.

149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.

150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.

151. The proper way to report to my Commander is “Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir” not “You can’t prove a thing!”

152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.

153. I should not assign new privates to “guard the flight line”.

154. Shouldn’t treat “piss-bottles” with extra-strength icy hot.

155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.

156. I will no longer perform “lap-dances” while in uniform.

157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.

158. The revolution is not now.

159. When detained by MP’s, I do not have a right to a strip search.

160. No part of the military uniform is edible.

161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.

162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.

163. Take that hat off.

164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.

165. I do not get “that time of month”.

166. No, the pants are not optional.

167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.

168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

169. Not even if they *are* “especially patriotic films”

170. Not allowed to “defect” to OPFOR during training missions.

171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General’s helicopter.

172. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide.

173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.

174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it’s actually DOD policy).

175. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.

176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.

177. I am not to refer to a formation as “the boxy rectangle thingie”.

178. I am not “A lesbian trapped in a man’s body”.

179. On Army documents, my race is not “Other”.

180. Nor is it “Secretariat, in the third”.

181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.

182. There is no FM for “wall-to-wall counseling”.

183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®

184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something “I saw in a cartoon”.

185. My name is not a killing word.

186. I am not the Emperor of anything.

187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.

188. May not challenge officers to “Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn”.

189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.

190. Must not make s’mores while on guard duty.

191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

192. The proper response to a briefing is not “That’s what you think”.

193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.

194. Shouldn’t take incriminating photos of my chain of command.

195. Shouldn’t use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.

196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.

197. I am not allowed to sing “Henry the VIII I am” until verse 68 ever again.

198. Not allowed to lead a “Coup” during training missions.

199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.

200. My chain of command is not interested in why I “just happen” to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.

201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.

202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the “Safety Dance” and the “Safety Briefing” are never to be combined.

203. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.

204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an “Easter Desecration.”

205. Don’t write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. (”Broken clutch pedal”, “Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs”, “flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged”)

206. Not allowed to get shot.

207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)

208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are “hearing conversations” from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.

209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism…this was the same dinner.)

210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing “Eat Pork or Die” in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.

211. Don’t ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.

212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don’t have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.

213. Do not convince NCO’s that their razor bumps are the result of microscopic parasites.

Well we’ve moved on from ‘Decking the Halls with balls of Holly’ to another time honored tradition this time of year namely, ‘Bouncing off the Walls the Corks of Bubbly’. I hope Santa brought you not only the gift you were hoping for but some of the Holiday spirit as well, enough to last until visions of credit card statements begin to dance in your head.

Santa brought Molly who believes baking is a form of stress reduction and therapy, a much hinted for and lusted after Kitchen Aid stand mixer with several optional goodies. In truth, he delivered it just before Thanksgiving for her to have during the “holiday baking insanity” much to her delight and my relief. (I used to be her stand mixer). Mean while he gifted me a Kindle e-Book reader which I have already loaded with 108 books, a mere 3 percent of my electronic library. Of those 108 books I have already laid to rest 3 of them.

Well we here at Casa del Celtic Curmudgeon are very busy compressing a full five days of work into an abbreviated 3 1/2 day work week in anticipation of New Years celebrating next weekend as I am sure most of you are as well so lets get on with it shall we?

 

 

 Keep this wish handy for New Years morning, I suspect most of you will need it quite badly!

 

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was nowhere around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do. She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so  upset, to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice said, honey remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day.

His wife said crying, yes I remember that jewelry store.

He said, well I’m in the bar next to it.

Reader K-Squared sent in this picture of his minimalist Christmas Tree

 

 

I’ve seen a LOT of magic tricks labeled “The Greatest Ever” however this is one of the few that I have seen that live up to the label. Definitely NOT your usual run of the mill card trick that’s for sure!

Merry Christmas Campers!
I’ve thought a lot about how I wanted this issue to go. 
I’ve thought of throwing rants on the commercialization of Christmas and how anyone who walks into a mall from Thanksgiving through about early January will have no problem at all completely losing the Christmas Spirit.
Maybe we should talk about the impossibility of the birth of Jesus actually taking place on December 25th and how scientists and scholars are more in agreement with an IRS deadline time frame.
I really wanted to talk about the religious aspects of Christmas and quote to you from Luke chapter 2, but I realized my dear friend Linus Van Pelt quoted it so eloquently:

“Fear not: for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be for all people.  For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord”

There is no longer ANY reason to be afraid.  Here is wonderful news that will make us overwhelmingly happy!  A Savior has been given to us!  All our sorrows He will take from us, all the joys and happiness He will share with us.  And at Christmas, we celebrate his birth!

So, spread the word.  Share your love, your happiness;
Share your laughter and smiles! 
For one day, let us take hands and help each other, give to one another!

So yeah, I guess that’s the theme of today’s Christmas issue.  No rants.  No raves.  Just smiles and laughter.  Thankful to be alive and to be one of God’s children.  May you all feel the love from family and friends and especially your fellow campers here at Dragon Laffs.  And may the warm embrace of God’s Blessings be with you all.

Merry Christmas, from your friends family at Dragon and Leprechaun Laffs!

So now …

So, before I forget, when you get a chance, go to google.com and type “Let It Snow” and then wait for it…

Let’s start out with a GREAT Flash Mop from the Carlson School of Management:

It was Christmas and everyone seemed to he having a great time, but Father O’Rourke was not. He suddenly said to Father Kelly ‘You know what. I’m fed up with all this good behavior and clean living. Why don’t go out and have good old sinful night out. We could drink, go with loose women and do whatever takes our fancy.’ Are you mad?’ replied Father Kelly ‘This is a small town. Everyone knows who we are.’ ‘I don’t mean we should do it here.’ said his colleague. ‘We could dress like everyone else and take the train to the city’
After much persuasion Father Kelly agreed to do so and off they went that night and partied until morning. They arrived home very much the worse for wear and it was then that the enormity of what they had done began to dawn on Father Kelly. ‘Oh my God. We’re going to have to confess our misdemeanor.’ ‘Don’t worry.’ replied Father O’Rourke ‘I’ve already thought about this. You get changed and go into the confessional and I’ll tell you all about my misdeeds and you can absolve me. Then, I’ll do the same for you.’
So, a short while later Father O’Rourke went to the church and entered the confessional. ‘Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I went out with a friend to celebrate Christmas last night and got drunk, had sexual relations with women, danced to wicked music and used foul language.’ Father Kelly replied ‘God is patient and forgiving and so am I. Do five Our Fathers, five Hail Marys and your sins will be forgiven.’

A short while later their positions were reversed and Father Kelly confessed everything in great detail. ‘This is an outrage.’ exclaimed Father O’Rourke. ‘What kind of priest are you? Do five hundred Our Fathers, Five hundred Hail Marys, donate all you income for the next three months to the church, go right round the church on your knees fifty times, asking God’s forgiveness as you do so. Then come back to me and maybe I’ll consider absolution.’ ‘What?’ said the astonished Father Kelly ‘What about our agreement?’ Father O’Rourke replied ‘What I do with my time off is one thing, but I take my job very seriously.’

We here at Dragon Laffs Enterprises have always had a soft spot in our hearts for the efforts of the men and women of service.  I think that’s probably pretty obvious if you’ve read more than two of our issues.  There’s a good reason for that.  Because both myself and the Leprechaun have worn Olive Drab, we know the problems and stresses associated with the military.  Throw in Christmas time and, believe it or not, it makes it worse.  Think of the family members who are having to put Christmas off for a few weeks because Daddy or Mommy is deployed and will be returning AFTER the holidays.  Or the families that are celebrating Christmas early because loved ones are leaving either directly before or directly after the holidays.  How much fun do you think Christmas is on Sunday, when the whole family knows that Daddy (or Mommy) is climbing on a plane on Wednesday?  Having been there myself, many times, it’s helpful to know that you are not forgotten. 
So, take a second, today, tomorrow, or maybe even Monday, and get in contact with a Vet.  Tell them that their present or past service to our great country is important to you.  That during the holidays they are NOT forgotten, pushed to the side, or outright ignored.
To ALL the members of our military family, past or present, I give you my thanks for your service.  Thank you for putting your ass on the line between my family and I and the evil horde around the world anxious to take our freedoms away from us.

So now, how about a couple of military type Christmas clips… 

Get the hankies out…this is really GREAT!  Thanks to the Leprechaun for pointing the way:

We would not have been forgiven for not including this one… “A Soldier’s Silent Night”

The president of the Festive Foods Corporation was included in a papal audience and he took the opportunity of making a business proposition to the Pope; that if he could arrange for the Lord’s Prayer to be changed from “Give us this day our daily bread” to “Give us this day our daily turkey” throughout the whole of Advent and Christmas. In exchange the Festive Foods Corporation would give £20 million to Catholic charities. The Pope declined his offer. A few weeks later the man called the Pope and upped the offer to £50 million; but once again it was turned down. A few weeks before the beginning of Advent the man came back to the Pope with an astonishing offer of £100 million. The Pope considered all the good works that could be done with such a large amount of money and decided to go ahead. The next day he called a special meeting of the Cardinals to let them know about the situation. “Well” said the Pope. “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we are to receive £100 million. The bad news is that we have lost the Wonderloaf account.”

A few days before Christmas, two young brothers were spending the night at their grandparent’s house. When it was time to go to bed, and anxious to do the right thing, they both knelt down to say their prayers.

Suddenly, the younger one began to do so in a very loud voice. “Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a play-station, a mountain-bike and a telescope.”

His older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.” “I know” he replied, “But Grandma is!”

Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.
Sarah’s parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn’t like it when children fight. This had little impact.
“I’ll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior,” the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah’s eyes grew big as her mother asked “Mrs. Claus” (really Sarah’s aunt; Santa’s real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah’s mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah’s uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.
Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa’s remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, “What did Santa say to you, dear?”
In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, “Santa said he won’t be bringing toys to my sister this year.”

 

 

 

As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: “Didn’t you get my E-mail?

Santa Stats:

☼ There are currently 78 people named S. Claus living in the U.S. — and one Kriss Kringle.  (You gotta wonder about that one kid’s parents)
☼ December is the most popular month for nose jobs.
☼ Weight of Santa’s sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons.
☼ Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton sleigh: 214,206 — plus Rudolph.
☼ Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour. With real beard: $20.
☼ To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times the speed of sound.
☼ At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame instantaneously.

In a small Southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a “Quick Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!” I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said 
“See, it says right here, ‘The three wise man came from afar.'”

And Finally, for the Scrooge in all of us…

The History of Christmas…this is from … okay, not just from, but stolen outright from www.historyofchristmas.net .  I’m sure Santa will forgive me for this small theft…
he wont?…
Oh Jeez!  I’m in trouble AGAIN with Santa!  I’ve really held on and been a good dragon, right up until the end…
okay, so I’m being told that being good for the last 12 hours doesn’t count as holding on and being a good dragon.
Man…these rules are so tough to follow sometimes.
Anyway, here’s a short history of Christmas from the History of Christmas Website.

There are very few people in the world today who do not know what the Christmas holiday is all about.  Christmas, as we know it today, is the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, which happened over 2000 years ago.  The word “Christmas” translates to “Mass Of Christ”.   However, we can all be sure that the celebration of the Christmas holiday did not start right away.  So how did the actual celebration of the Christmas holiday begin? 

Believe it or not, many of the traditions that we observe during the Christmas holiday season began way before the birth of Christ.  Exchanging gifts, decorating trees, and the burning of the Yule log were all winter traditions that began before Christ was born, but were eventually incorporated into the holiday that became known as Christmas, and became part of Christmas history.  

Over 4000 years ago, the Mesopotamians celebrated each new year with a 12-day festival, called Zagmuth.  The Mesopotamians, who believed in many gods, held this festival in support of their chief god, Marduk, because they believed that he battled the monsters of chaos at the beginning of each winter.  It is from this festival that the 12 days of Christmas is believed to have originated.

The ancient Romans held a celebration each year in honor of their god Saturn.  The festival, which they called Saturnalia, began in the middle of December and lasted until the first of January.  The Romans decorated their homes with garlands, as well as trees upon which they hung candles.  During the festival the citizens of Rome would visit each other’s homes and hold great feasts.  One of the theories of how the tradition of the giving of Christmas gifts came about was from the Roman practice of exchanging gifts between family and neighbors during the festival of Saturnalia to promote good luck. 

During the winter in ancient Scandinavia there would be a certain amount of days where the sun would not shine.  Upon the return of the first sunlight, the Scandinavians would hold a festival called the Yuletide.  A Yule log would be burned in a special fire, and everyone would gather around the fire and hold a great feast.  To remind themselves that the spring and summer would surely return again, people in some areas of Scandinavia would tie apples to tree branches.  The tradition of the Christmas tree is believed to have evolved from this ritual, as well as from the Roman ritual of decorating trees with candles during the festival of Saturnalia.  Some believe that the tradition of singing carols began when people in Scandinavia would sing celebration songs on the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year, which happened around December 22nd.

One theory about the evolution of the winter celebrations to the celebration of the birth of Jesus is that the Roman emperor Constantine, who converted to Christianity, wanted to incorporate the pagan winter rituals together with the celebration of Jesus’ birth.  In this way, Constantine hoped to help both pagans and Christians celebrate together.  Many believe that this is the reason for celebrating the birth of Christ on December 25th.  It is widely believed today that Jesus was not actually born on, or even close to, December 25th.  Eventually, the Roman church became almost completely successful in making the December celebration only about the birth of Christ, replacing any celebrations that were in honor of pagan gods.

Though the celebration of Christmas is basically based on the same belief today, it is not celebrated in exactly the same way in every country.  In Great Britain, one tradition they observe during the Christmas season is “Boxing Day”.  On Boxing Day, the boxes containing alms for the poor are opened at every church and the alms are distributed to the poor.  An alternate theory to the origin of carols is that they originated in Great Britain and not Scandinavia.  Whether or not this is true, many of the Christmas songs that we sing and Christmas music that we hear today were written in 19th century England. 

Christians in China celebrate Christmas by decorating their homes and trees with paper lanterns, paper flowers, and paper chains.  Christians in Iran refrain from eating any animal products from December 1st until after Christmas church services on December 25th, after which they have a traditional feast of chicken stew.  In Venezuela, Christians attend daily morning church services between December 16th and December 24th.  In the capital city of Caracas, it is customary to roller skate to these services.  People in Northern Brazil celebrate Christmas with a traditional play called “Los Pastores”, or “The Shepherds”.  In the Brazilian version of this play, the shepherds are always women, and there is a scene where a gypsy attempts to kidnap the Christ child.

It is believed that British painter John Callcott Horsley designed the first Christmas card in 1843.  Horsley designed the card for his friend Sir Henry Cole, who was the first director of the Victoria and Albert museum.  The card showed a family celebrating Christmas, and read “A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to You”.  The tradition caught on quickly in England, and it was not long before the first Christmas cards began showing up in the United States and other countries as well. 

One cannot talk about the history of Christmas without mentioning Santa Claus.  Bishop Nicholas of Smyrna, who lived in the 4th century A.D. in what is known today as Turkey, was a very wealthy and generous man, who especially loved children.  He was known to throw gifts into the houses of poor children in order to brighten their spirits. He was later titled Saint Nicholas, and became the patron saint of children and seafarers.  From his story evolved the legend of Santa Claus – the jolly man who brings gifts to children all over the world on Christmas Eve.  In England he came to be known as Father Christmas, in China he is known as Dun Che Lao Ren, which means “Christmas Old Man”.  Many believe that the giving of gifts originates from the deeds of Bishop Nicholas, and not the Roman tradition of giving gifts during the festival of Saturnalia.  More likely, the tradition evolved from both practices.

Wow, you think that’s interesting?  You should hear about the history of candy canes!  Medieval torture devices!

It’s true!  I saw it on line!  I swear I did!

My friends, may you all find the blessings and the happiness that you crave and deserve.  May you take this Holy Spirit with you through out the holidays and clear through the next year.  

…And I DO NOT mean your weird relatives or co-workers!

I SWEAR I get ONE weird or ‘alternate lifestyle’ person gifted to me by a reader this year and I WILL respond by gifting that person with Impish for an entire year!

However should you just be looking to dispose of actual ‘who-the-hell-eats-these-anyway?’ fruit cakes either in round or loaf form please feel free to send them to us. Impish is quite fond of them. Our kitchen uses the maintenance department’s industrial plasma cutter to cut them into (dragon) bite sized pieces and soaks them in coffee over night in a pressure cooker before adding to his breakfast cereal. He thinks its a new  brand and professes a great fondness for ‘those weird brown crunchy clusters with the color flecks in them.

Coffee beans roasting over an open fire..Jack the Barista grinding has he goes…

 

 

Do you know why there is no Reindeer named “Joker” ? Apparently he played one too many reindeer games on Santa.

It’s TRUE! I SWEAR! See here:

Joker didn’t know enough to leave it be and after this went into his stand up routine a day later:

And thus Deer Hunting Season was invented!

Christmas Angel

One Christmas, a long time ago, Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip; but there were problems …… everywhere. Four of his elves were away sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. So, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus popped in to tell Santa that her mother was coming to stay for Christmas; which stressed him even more.

After a while, he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and run away, heaven knows where to.

Then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards broke and several large toy-bags fell to the ground, scattering their contents all over the place. Needless to say, Santa was not in the best of moods. Suddenly, the doorbell rang and he went to the door expecting another problem. But when he opened it, there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree that she had brought especially to cheer him up. The angel greeted him very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas Santa Claus. Isn’t it just a wonderful day? I have a beautiful tree for you. See, isn’t it just the loveliest Christmas tree you’ve ever seen? Where would you like me to put it?”

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

A Proper Irish Christmas (Part II)

A lot of Irish houses still have an open fire, which is lit to keep the room warm and cheery over the winter months. Irish people burn a lot of Turf (from the peat bogs which fill most of the centre of Ireland.Turf is traditionally cut and dried in the summer months. Turf briquettes, which are a modern compressed version are commonly available to buy. Turf does not give out a high temperature so a lot of people use coal too, and or wood) Chestnuts can be bought and cooked in the fire which are delicious, and I can remember cooking toast on a toasting fork!

Christmas cards get sent, overseas ones sent surface mail have to be posted very early, way before December.

Children send letters to Father Christmas usually by throwing the letter into the back of the fire where it get sucked up the chimney by the draft and taken “to Father Christmas ” in the North Pole.

At the beginning of December children start opening the windows on their advent calendars revealing a Christmas picture or perhaps uncovering a sweet.Schools put on their end of term nativity plays, or concerts and there are carol services to go to. Some people will go out carol singing to raise money for charity, either singing door to door or at some place like a shopping centre.

Handel’s “Messiah” is often preformed in the run up to Christmas, (sometimes as a sing-a-long) and in fact the first performance of it ever was in Dublin. The organ which Handel played can still be seen in St. Michan’s church on the bank of the river Liffey in Dublin.

Families decorate their houses. Streamers are put up made of paper, or foil, candles may be put out, some people decorate their windows.Wreaths may be hung on the door.

Shops decorate their windows, some putting on fabulous displays. Many streets are decorated in cities with colored lights and often even small towns will sport a Christmas tree strewn in fairy lights. Many large stores hire people to act as Father Christmas, dressed in the red and white outfit and listening to the children’s wishes. for a small fee children visit him and get a small gift.

The traditional tree is brought in and fairy lights put on it. Some people put a star on top, others an angel or fairy. The tree is then decorated in tinsel and glass or plastic baubles and the gifts put underneath.

Holly and ivy are often brought in to drape around pictures (garlands), and some people hang bunches of mistletoe to be kissed beneath! A wreath of Christmas greenery may be hung on the door. Or “balls” of greenery may be hung in the hall

A lot of people put up a crib set depicting the nativity, with tiny figures made of wood, ceramics or plastic. Churches often have larger versions of these.

On Christmas morning, if there are any children in the house, they will wake you up.(Often early!) They will open their stockings from Father Christmas.

Before or after breakfast most families open their gifts. Others go to Church to welcome Christmas in , if they haven’t already been. Lots of people deliver gifts to friends or family, or travel to relatives for their Christmas meal or drinks.The roads are usually surprisingly busy.

The traditional lunch is often planned for as late as 2 or 3 pm.
The table is often decorated with candles and crackers.(Crackers are rolls of paper which contain a small explosive. This “cracks” when it is pulled between two people and reveals the contents, usually a hat, a motto or joke and a small gift.) There is no traditional starter for the meal -but possibilities are prawn cocktail, melon or smoked salmon with Irish brown bread. The main course is traditional and consists of Turkey, roast and stuffed, a Ham often boiled then covered in breadcrumbs and sugar, sausages, cranberry sauce, Bread sauce, gravy, potatoes and some vegetables. Turkey is a tradition brought back from the United States .Before 1600 it was usual to eat a goose.

Dessert is traditionally Christmas pudding served either with Brandy butter or Brandy or Rum sauce and cream. Mince pies may also be eaten at this meal.

In my own family we have we have this as an evening meal and we also give “table presents” as the day can seem a bit flat once all the gifts are opened. So we have one more small gift each after the meal.

Of all the Christian festivals in Ireland, Christmas is considered to be the most important. An Irish Christmas lasts from Christmas Eve until January 6th, the Feast of Epiphany, or “Little Christmas.” Preparations begin weeks in advance. There is the physical preparation of foods and gifts, decorating the home, and also a spiritual preparation that begins with the start of Advent–additional prayers added to the morning and evening devotions, the children urged to say extra Paters and Aves. (shortened Latin versions of the prayer names for The Lord’s Prayer a.k.a Our Father or ‘Pater Noster’ and Hail Mary or ‘Ave Maria’)

In bygone days, everyone, lapsed or faithful, was expected to attend chapel during the Advent season. On farms, a thorough cleaning of the house and farmyard ensued, including the whitewashing of the house, inside and out. Barns and outbuildings received an outside coat. Women scrubbed the house till it gleamed, scoured every pot and pan, laundered all garments and table linens. To children fell the task of gathering and making decorations for the house. Alice Taylor, in her An Irish Country Diary, wrote:

“There was the going to the wood for the holly and peeling the ivy off the bark of the old trees and looking forward to decorating the house, which we were free to do exactly as we pleased…. My father was dispatched to pick out the largest turnip from the turnip pit and we scrubbed it clean and then he bored a hole to take the tall white candle. My mother always insisted on red berry holly for the candle.”

Berry holly was prized as were long ivy tendrils which were used to make garlands. Loose holly and ivy, and laurel leaves were added using a packing needle and twine.

A few days before Christmas, some of the family went to town to “bring home the Christmas.” The Christmas Market (Margadh Mór–Big Market) found country people bringing butter, eggs, hens, geese, turkeys–though turkey has only recently become a popular festival food–, vegetables and other farm produce, and exchanging these for their Christmas purchases. Shopkeepers made presents of seasonal dainties to their customers.

The Christmas Market provided much goodwill and excitement from the street stalls and sideshows. Publicans enjoyed a brisk business.

Christmas Day
Christmas Day began with several family members attending early Mass, often before daylight. Boys in some parts, brought hurleys to church for a game afterward.  (A hurley (or camán) is a wooden stick used to hit a sliotar (leather ball) in the Irish sport of hurling)  But in most communities, Christmas was a family festival where people remained at home following the Mass, enjoying the quiet gathering and the lovingly prepared dinner.

St. Stephen’s Day

The day after Christmas, St Stephens day or Boxing day (as in Great Britain). Boxing day is traditionally the day when “boxes ” of gifts were given to people who had done service to you in the year. These days small gifts of money are paid to dustbin men (garbage men) and milkmen before Christmas.

In old times December 26th was celebrated uniquely in Ireland. Hundreds of “wren boys” searched the countryside in the days preceding Christmas for the hapless little bird who was knocked on the head and placed in a box with holly or upon a pole decorated with holly. The wren boys then paraded up and down the streets in petticoats or other outlandish getup and sang the wren song at various households along the way.

The wren, the wren, the king of all birds,
On St. Stephen’s Day was caught in the furze;
Though his body is small, his family is great;
So, rise up good woman, and give us a treat.
Up with the kettle, and down with the pan:
Give us some money to bury the wren.

The words varied from locale to locale, but the above is a reasonable translation. I cannot but wonder if this custom has seen a decline in popularity with the current trend favoring animal rights.

Christmas carols were never as popular in Ireland as elsewhere; in fact, most of them are English carols. One such carol is Cornish. Ma Gron War’n Gelinen celebrates the nativity of Christ and the older veneration of the evergreen.

Now the holly bears a berry
as white as the milk,
And Mary bore Jesus,
who was wrapped up in silk.
And Mary bore Jesus
our Savior to be,
And the first tree in the greenwood,
it was the holly.
Now the holly bears a berry as
black as the coal,
And Mary bore Jesus who died
for us all.
Now the holly bears a berry
as blood it is red,
Then trust we our Savior
who rose from the dead.

A few seventeenth century carols survive, particularly in the county of Wexford. An even older carol, “Curoo, Curoo,” survives. It, and the Cornish Carol, were made popular by the Clancy Brothers a number of years ago. Out of print, this Columbia recording may, from time to time, be available on Ebay.

It is also the day when the Pantomimes start.These are funny plays usually based on a children’s fairy story. Traditional titles include : Cinderella, Babes in the Wood, Aladdin, Puss in Boots or Snow White. In these plays the sexes tend to swap roles. Men play the parts of some women such as the Ugly Sisters in Cinderella, the washerwoman in Aladdin, The “Dame” as these parts are called. Young women usually play the male leads role the “Prince”, “Aladdin” or “Peter Pan”. Women also play the heroine, “Cinderella”, “Snow White” , “Wendy”etc. Usually topical jokes for the adults are written into the script and there may be songs to sing-a-long to or even games to play. Often the children get sweets thrown out to them during the pantomime. Lots of celebrities who don’t normally appear on the stage will take part in a pantomime, sports stars, pop stars or TV personalities all appear.

January 6th, (Twelfth night) is the date when all decorations are meant to be taken down. Christmas trees these days can often be recycled, or people chop them up and burn them in their fires. Life slowly returns to normal and the house seems awfully bare!!!

Putting up a Christmas tree is a relatively modern custom, initiated in the sixties with the advent of television. Previously, homes were decorated with boughs and garlands of laurel, holly and ivy.

Christmas has become commercialized in Ireland as the rest of the world. But here, the festival as a family occasion comes first. And the religious significance is at the heart of each family celebration.

Christmas in Ireland brings to mind the simple and lasting pleasures. It’s a wonderful time for budget airfares and accommodations. Be sure to check in advance for openings. Many B & Bs close for the winter, as do some tourist attractions. However, for those who enjoy the warmth of a turf fire, the cheer of a friendly pub, and miles and miles of open fields to walk in, there’s no better time to travel.

Nollaig Shona Duit agus Slainte. (Happy Christmas and Health to You)

 

 

Eggnog Cookies

Recipe courtesy Jeffrey Saad

Total Time: 40 min Prep: 20 min

Inactive Prep: 0 min Cook: 10 min

Level: Easy Yield: 24 cookies

Ingredients

• 8 ounces unsalted butter, at room temperature
• 1 cup light brown sugar, lightly packed
• 1/4 cup granulated white sugar
• 8 egg yolks
• 2 tablespoons molasses
• 2 tablespoons whole milk
• 2 tablespoons brandy
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda

• 1 teaspoon kosher salt
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/4 teaspoon ground allspice
• 1 whole nutmeg
• Variations:
• Add white chocolate chips.
• For the most aromatic and delicious cookies, grind whole spices.
• Press a scoop of ice cream between 2 cookies.

Directions

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F.
Cut the butter into 1/2-inch cubes and place into the bowl of an electric mixer. Add the brown sugar and white sugar and cream using the paddle attachment just until smooth, about 2 minutes. You do not want to create a lot of air.
Turn the mixer to low and add the egg yolks, one at a time, until just incorporated. Add the molasses, milk and brandy and mix just to combine.
In a separate bowl, add the flour, baking soda, salt, cinnamon and allspice. Mix with a fork just to combine.
With the mixer running on low speed, add the flour to the egg mixture in a steady stream and mix until just combined.
Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper or silicone mats.
Using a 1/4 cup measure or scoop, place 6 balls of dough evenly spaced on each baking sheet. (You can do twenty-four 1-ounce balls if you prefer smaller cookies.) Do not press down.
Grate nutmeg over the top of each ball of dough until there is an even dusting of nutmeg.
Place in the oven and bake for 9 minutes. Rotate the baking sheets (from top to bottom) halfway through the cooking to achieve even baking and color. Remove from the oven when golden brown and still soft in the center, after about 9 minutes.
Slide the cookies with the parchment paper onto a cooling rack. Once cool, carefully remove from the paper and enjoy.
These cookies are amazing eaten warm. Like a cup of holiday eggnog! Happy Holidays!

 

Chocolate Cheesecake Candy Cane Bars

From Food Network Kitchens

Prep Time: 20 min Inactive Prep Time: 8 hr 0 min

Cook Time: 45 min Level: Easy

Serves: about 16 (2-inch) squares

Ingredients

Crust:

• 20 chocolate wafer cookies
• 3 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted
• 1 tablespoon sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon ground coffee beans
• 1/4 teaspoon fine salt

Filling:

• 8 ounces semisweet chocolate, finely chopped
• 8 ounces cream cheese, room temperature
• 2/3 cup sugar
• 1/2 cup sour cream
• 2 large eggs, room temperature

Glaze:

• 4 ounces bittersweet chocolate, chopped
• 2 tablespoons unsalted butter
• 1 teaspoon light or dark corn syrup
• 2 tablespoons sour cream, room temperature
• 1/2 cup crushed candy canes (see Cooks Note)

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line an 8-inch square baking dish with foil.

For the crust: Process the chocolate wafers in a food processor with the butter, sugar, coffee, and salt until fine. Evenly press the crust into the prepared dish covering the bottom completely. Bake until the crust sets, about 15 minutes.

Meanwhile, make the filling: Put the chocolate in a medium microwave-safe bowl; heat at 75 percent power until softened, about 2 minutes. Stir, and continue to microwave until completely melted, up to 2 minutes more. (Alternatively put the chocolate in a heatproof bowl. Bring a saucepan filled with an inch or so of water to a very slow simmer; set the bowl over, but not touching, the water, and stir occasionally until melted and smooth.)

Blend the cream cheese, sugar, and sour cream together in the food processor until smooth. Scrape down the sides, as needed. Add the eggs and pulse until just incorporated. With the food processor running, pour the chocolate into the wet ingredients and mix until smooth.

Pour the filling evenly over the crust. Bake until filling puffs slightly around the edges, but is still a bit wobbly in the center, about 25 to 30 minutes. Cool on a rack.

For the Glaze: Put the chocolate, butter and corn syrup in microwave safe bowl. Heat glaze in the microwave at 75 percent power until melted, about 2 minutes. Stir the ingredients together until smooth; add the sour cream. Spread glaze evenly over the warm cake and scatter the crushed candy canes over top. Cool completely, then refrigerate overnight.

Cut into small bars or squares. Serve chilled or room temperature.

Store cookies covered in the refrigerator for up to 5 days.

Cook’s Note: To crush the candy canes, remove wrappers and place in a resealable plastic bag. Use a rolling pin to roll and break the candy up into small pieces, about 1/4 inch or so.

 

 

 

Santa’s Gender

Christmas has to be a warm, well organized, caring, considerate, social occasion. So, it’s unlikely that a man could take responsibility for making it happen.

For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about Christmas until Christmas Eve. And when they do eventually rush into the high street at the latest possible moment, they seem genuinely surprised to discover that the only options remaining on the shelves are cheap perfume and lingerie suitable for high class tarts.

Let’s face it, Santa Claus must be a woman. If Santa was a man, all there would be under the Christmas tree are high tech’ toys …. still in the original wrappings, of course.

Another flaw in the ‘he-Santa’ argument is his apparent ability to arrive promptly every Christmas Eve. If Santa was a man, he could be relied upon to have transportation problems, get lost in all the snow and clouds and flatly refuse to ask anyone for directions.

There are lots of other reasons why Santa can’t be a man:

Men have no idea about packing bags.

Men would rather be dead than wear red velvet.

Men have no interest in stockings, unless they are being worn by an attractive female.

But, the real show-stopper is, most men simply can’t do commitment.

 

A Soldier’s Christmas Call to Action

A father meets a phantom soldier on Christmas Eve. He’s reminded of our military history, founding of our country. He’s called to defend freedom at home. Six minute featurette based on Michael Marks’ poem followed by a call to action to each of us at home to stand up for freedom. Poem was made popular by LCDR Jeff Giles, CS, USN, stationed in Al Taqqadum Iraq.

 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year in many languages

How to wish people a Merry Christmas and Happy New year in many different languages with recordings for some of them.

Language
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Albanian
Gëzuar Krishtlindjet e Vitin e Ri

Belarusian
З Божым нараджэннем (Z Bozym naradzenniem)
Шчаслівых Калядау (Szczaslivych Kaliadau)
З Новым годам i Калядамi (Z Novym godam i Kaliadami)

Bosnian
Sretan Bozic i sretna nova godina

Bulgarian
Честита Коледа (Čestita Koleda)
Весела Коледа (Vesela Koleda)
Щастлива Нова Година (Štastliva Nova Godina)
Честита нова година (Čestita nova godina)

Chinese
(Cantonese)
聖誕節同新年快樂 (singdaanjit tùhng sànnìhn faailohk)
恭喜發財 (gùng héi faat chōi) – used at Chinese New Year

Chinese
(Hakka)
聖誕節快樂 (siin⁵tan⁵ziet⁷ kuai⁵lok⁸)
新年快樂 (sin¹ngien² kuai⁵lok⁸)
恭喜發財 (giung¹ hi³ fat⁷ coi²)
– used at Chinese New Year

Chinese
(Mandarin)
聖誕快樂 新年快樂 [圣诞快乐 新年快乐]
(shèngdàn kuàilè xīnnián kuàilè)
恭喜發財 [恭喜发财] (gōngxǐ fācái) – used at Chinese New Year

Chinese
(Shanghainese)
圣诞节快乐 (sêntê khuâloq)
新年快乐 (xingni khuâloq) 恭喜发财 (gong xi fa ze)

Chinese
(Taiwanese)
聖誕節快樂 (sing³-tan³-tseh khoai³-lok⁸)
新年快樂 (sin-ni⁵ khoai³-lok⁸)
恭喜發財 (kiong-hi² huat-tsai⁵)

Chinese
(Teochew)
圣诞快乐 (siandang kuailak)
新年快乐 (singnin kuailak)

Cornish
Nadelik Lowen ha Blydhen Nowydh Da
Nadelik Looan ha Looan Blethen Noweth
Nadelack looan ha looan blethan noueth

Corsican
Bon Natale e pace e salute

Croatian
Sretan Božić!
Sretna Nova godina!

Czech
Veselé vánoce a šťastný nový rok

Danish
Glædelig jul og godt nytår

Dutch
Prettige kerstdagen en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar!
Zalig kerstfeest en Gelukkig Nieuwjaar

Esperanto
Ĝojan Kristnaskon kaj feliĉan novan jaron
Bonan Kristnaskon kaj feliĉan novan jaron

Estonian
Rõõmsaid Jõule ja Head Uut Aastat
Häid Jõule ja Head Uut Aastat

French
Joyeux Noël et bonne année

Georgian
გილოცავთ შობა-ახალ წელს (gilocavth shoba-akhal c’els) – frm
გილოცავ შობა-ახალ წელს (gilocav shoba-akhal c’els) – inf

German
Frohe/Fröhliche Weihnachten
und ein gutes neues Jahr / ein gutes Neues / und ein gesundes neues Jahr / und einen guten Rutsch ins neue Jahr
Frohes Fest und guten Rutsch [ins neue Jahr]

German (Bavarian)
Froue Weihnåcht’n, und a guad’s nei’s Joah

German (Hessian)
Frohe Weihnachte unn ein gudes neus Jahr

German (Swiss)
Schöni Fäschttäg / Schöni Wienachte
und e guets neus Jahr / en guete Rutsch is neue Johr
Schöni Wiehnachte und es guets Neus
Schöni Wiänachtä, äs guets Nöis

German (Pennsylvania)
En frehlicher Grischtdaag un en hallich Nei Yaahr

Greek
Καλά Χριστούγεννα! (Kalá hristúyenna)
Ευτυχισμένο το Νέο Έτος! (Eftyhisméno to Néo Étos!)
Καλή χρονιά! (Kalí hroñá)

Hawaiian
Mele Kalikimaka me ka Hauʻoli Makahiki Hou

Hebrew
חג מולד שמח ושנה טובה
Chag Molad Sameach v’Shanah Tovah

Hungarian
Kellemes karácsonyt és boldog új évet

Icelandic
Gleðileg jól og farsælt komandi ár
Gleðileg jól og farsælt nýtt ár

Irish (Gaelic)
Nollaig shona duit/daoibh (Happy Christmas to you)
Beannachtaí na Nollag (Christmas Greetings)
Beannachtaí an tSéasúir (Season’s Greetings)
Athbhliain faoi mhaise duit/daoibh (Prosperous New Year)
Bliain úr faoi shéan is faoi mhaise duit/daoibh (Happy New Year to you)

Italian
Buon Natale e felice anno nuovo

Japanese
メリークリスマス (merī kurisumasu)
New Year greeting – ‘Western’ style
新年おめでとうございます (shinnen omedetō gozaimasu)
New Year greetings – Japanese style
明けましておめでとうございます (akemashite omedetō gozaimasu)
旧年中大変お世話になりました (kyūnenjū taihen osewa ni narimashita)
本年もよろしくお願いいたします (honnen mo yoroshiku onegai itashimasu)

Klingon
QISmaS DatIvjaj ‘ej DIS chu’ DatIvjaj (sg)
QISmaS botIvjaj ‘ej DIS chu’ botIvjaj (pl)

Korean
즐거운 성탄절 보내시고 새해 복 많이 받으세요
(jeulgeoun seongtanjeol bonaesigo saehae bok manhi bateusaeyo)

Latvian
Priecīgus Ziemassvētkus un laimīgu Jauno gadu

Lithuanian
Linksmų Kalėdų ir laimingų Naujųjų Metų

Norwegian
God jul og godt nytt år (Bokmål)
God jol og godt nyttår (Nynorsk)

Old English
Glæd Geol and Gesælig Niw Gear

Polish
Wesołych świąt i szczęśliwego Nowego Roku

Portuguese
Feliz Natal e próspero ano novo / Feliz Ano Novo
Boas Festas e Feliz Ano Novo / Um Santo e Feliz Natal<=”” td=””>

Romansh
(Sursilvan dialect)
Legreivlas fiastas da Nadal ed in bien niev onn!

Romanian
Crăciun fericit şi un An Nou Fericit

Russian
С Рождеством Христовым (S Roždestvom Khristovym)
С наступающим Новым Годом (S nastupayuščim Novym Godom)

Scots
A Blythe Yule an a Guid Hogmanay
Merry Christmas an a Guid Hogmanay

Scottish Gaelic
Nollaig chridheil agus bliadhna mhath ùr

Serbian
Христос се роди (Hristos se rodi) – Christ is born
Ваистину се роди (Vaistinu se rodi) – truly born (reply)
Срећна Нова Година (Srećna Nova Godina) – Happy New Year

Sicilian
Bon Natali e filici annu novu / Boni festi e bon’annu novu

Slovak
Veselé vianoce a Štastný nový rok

Slovenian
Vesel božič in srečno novo leto

Spanish
¡Feliz Navidad y próspero año nuevo!

Swedish
God jul och gott nytt år

Ukrainian
Веселого Різдва і з Новим Роком
(Veseloho Rizdva i z Novym Rokom)

Welsh
Nadolig llawen a blwyddyn newydd dda

Yiddish
אַ פֿרײליכע ניטל און אַ גוטער נײַער יאָר
(A freylikhe nitl un a guter nayer yor)

 

A Christmas Gift

Impish bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, Lethal Leprechaun, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he replied. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”

Signs of Christmas Everywhere

Toy Store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”
Bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”
Outside a church: “The original Christmas Club.”
At a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd.”
A Texas jewelry store: “Diamond tiaras — $70,000. Three for $200,000.
Reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”
In a stationery store: “For the man who has everything… a calendar to remind him when payments are due.”

   Ok I’ll admit it I’ve yanked pretty hard on the old heart strings this issue and last what with the Beagles that had never known sunshine, grass or freedom and the two Youtubes about being a soldier at Christmas.  I also happen to know that assuming Impish remembers and keeps his word, the most poignant salvo to your hearts is yet to come in the Christmas Issue on Saturday.

Because of this I was looking for a Parting Shot subject that was positive, not all gloom and doom, politics or about lighting enough candles to hold the darkness that appears looming on our country’s future horizon off just a little longer. Let me tell you even in this time of year, that is a pretty tall order. Fortunately my very own personal Christmas angel in the form of my darlin’ wife Molly called my attention to a worth while project in support of our soldiers that’s all that much more important this time of year.

See, it’s important that especially this time of year, Thanksgiving and Christmas (NOT that its not important the entire rest of the year) to remember that we get to celebrate and make merry with our friends families and loved ones because these people have sacrificed their ability to do the same on our behalf. As a REAL writer in a REAL publication put it so well:

“If anybody is wondering: Where are the young idealists? Where are the people willing to devote themselves to causes larger than themselves? They are in uniform in Iraq [and Afghanistan], straddling the divide between insanity and order.” — NY Times Columnist David Brooks

 

Soldiers’ Angels is a volunteer-led 501(c)(3) nonprofit providing aid and comfort to the men and women of the United States Army, Marines, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard, and their families. Founded in 2003 by the mother of two American soldiers, its hundreds of thousands of Angel volunteers assist veterans, wounded and deployed personnel and their families in a variety of unique and effective ways.

“May No Soldier Go Unloved,” encapsulates the motivation behind Soldiers’ Angels.   The volunteers of Soldiers’ Angels work tirelessly to demonstrate active care and concern for veterans, the wounded, deployed service members and their families.

To date, our volunteers have sent hundreds of thousands of care packages and letters to “adopted” deployed service members; we have supplied the wounded with over 25,000 of our First Response Backpacks directly at the Combat Support Hospitals in Iraq and Afghanistan and the major military hospital in Germany, as well as provided care and comfort to those in stateside military and VA facilities; we have provided emergency aid to military families in need; we have partnered with the Department of Defense to provide voice-controlled/adaptive laptops to over 6,000 severely-wounded servicemembers, as well as other technology that supports rehabilitation; we have provided flights to soldiers on leave or in emergency situations, and to their families wanting to be with them upon return from overseas; we provided Level III KEVLAR armored blankets to give personnel extra protection in their vehicles when it was needed early in the Iraq war; and we help to honor and uphold the families whose loved ones have paid the ultimate price for our freedom and safety. With the assistance of our generous supporters , the many volunteers of Soldiers’ Angels have accomplished this and much, much more on behalf of the grateful citizens of the United States of America.

To see more about how Soldiers’ Angels supports the troops and their families, see the site menu or click on the link under “Teams and Projects – How to Help” on the homepage.

Yeah Lethal you keep putting this sort of thing in your blog and adding them to the WAYS TO HELP TANGIBLY SUPPORT OUR TROOPS AND THEIR FAMLIES section of the DragonLaffs homepage, but they all sound good on paper how do we know that they actually work like that and what if Obama’s Hope and Change has left me hopelessly with out the spare change I used to donate to such worthy causes?

Fair questions both. To answer the first part let me show you a couple letters from Iraq, they’re testimonials from greatful recepients:

Just wanted to take a second to tell you what happened in Iraq today. It was raining – and I was just coming in to my headquarters when when I passed by one of my newer soldiers – an immigrant from the former Soviet Union – and one of my BEST privates.

I was stopped in my tracks, for behold – on such a dreary day he was smiling. I was being funny (at first) and I said “awww you got a package with some goodies? Who sent that to you?” And as I expected to hear him say “my mom (or something like that)” he turned his face to me and said “I don’t know….” he had a smile on his face…..and as I saw his eyes glazing he said ” …that’s why I was smiling” and at that my eyes began to glaze too.

http://www.soldiersangels.org/

I received your care package…I am doing my best trying to saty safe, but your card and kind words took me away from reality over here, which is good when you just want to get away.  I can never say thank you enough for all that you do.  I will continue to fight and keep America in my prayers.  I won’t forget what you have done – “C” in Afghanistan, September 2011

Just wanted to take a second to tell you what happened in Iraq today. It was raining – and I was just coming in to my headquarters when when I passed by one of my newer soldiers – an immigrant from the former Soviet Union – and one of my BEST privates.

I was stopped in my tracks, for behold – on such a dreary day he was smiling. I was being funny (at first) and I said “awww you got a package with some goodies? Who sent that to you?” And as I expected to hear him say “my mom (or something like that)” he turned his face to me and said “I don’t know….” he had a smile on his face…..and as I saw his eyes glazing he said ” …that’s why I was smiling” and at that my eyes began to glaze too.

Finally….

Dear Soldiers’ Angels,

On behalf of the troopers of the First Cavalry Division, I would like to personally thank you for the tremendous support you have shown to our soldiers and their family members during our deployment to Operation Iraqi Freedom. The Division enjoyed numerous successes throughout our mission in Baghdad Culminating with the historic Iraq elections on January 30th. I am convinced tht these accomplishments would not have been possible without fabulous contributions such as yours. Not only were these gestures sincerely appreciated, but they rallied the morale of the soldiers, often at the most necessary times, and were absolutely critical to our mission completion. In other words, we could not have done it without you!

Thank you again for your friendship and support. We are extremely grateful for your dedication to your country and to America’s First Team.

MG Peter W. Chiarelli
U.S. Army Commanding Officer
Fort Hood, TX
June 24, 2005

Now as to the second part, there are SO MANY ways to contribute that really do not involve a great deal of financial resources. I ship them books I have read for inclusion in their consolidated shipments overseas. All those travel bottles of toiletries you’ve been hoarding without any particular use for? Our soldiers would LOVE to have them. There is a myriad of different things and way to contribute. Please go spend a little time on the site see how easy it is to support these people and how grateful they are for what in many instances are actually your recycled casts offs ( books and such)

For those preparing to celebrate Christmas I wish you a time of Peace, Intimacy and Joy with you family and friends.

For those who don’t believe in Christmas and are on the outside looking in, well, have a good time too. Take advantage of stores being closed and life slowing down to get some rest. You don’t have to be a Christian to enjoy the lights and good cheer that should accompany a Christmas celebration.

We will wake up the day after (hopefully) with our health and lives intact (and in some of your cases hung over). But this does not change the reality of the world. The economic and political problems will not disappear. In fact, they may worsen in the coming year. This holiday is a temporary sanctuary. Hold on to it.  Keep alive the spirit of Christmas, the ‘Peace on Earth & Good Will To Men’ it makes the world a better place for having done so, even if its only for a short while.

Nollaig Shona Duit (Merry Christmas)

Good Morning Campers…First of all, let me say thank you to everyone who sent well wishes and get wells to us.  Most of you just knew that something was wrong, but didn’t know just what and if I was ever able to get close to a computer I would have updated you as to what was going on.  In the interest of keeping private matters private, my dear pal LL simply told you guys that there would be a delay.

On Wednesday evening, Mrs. Dragon became very ill.  By Thursday morning, the littlest dragon was off to the neighbor’s (wonderful, wonderful humans!  They took great care of her and, as far as I can tell, none of their gold or silver is missing and all of their kids are accounted for!) and Mrs. Dragon was in the Emergency Room.  Sadly, the Emergency Room Staff didn’t fare as well as the neighbor’s house and I believe the count is now up to three EM employees listed as MIA.  They will eventually be moved to the KIA column since I KNOW that no body will ever be found.

Without going into huge details due to the Hipa-Law restrictions, Mrs. Dragon was pretty darn sick.  Blood was coming out of openings that blood is not supposed to come out of!  We were pretty darn scared there for a couple of days, but my sweet bride won the day and she is now home and doing better. 

Again, thank you all for the kind words, the help and assistance and the virginal sacrifices.  They were all deeply appreciated.

Now….

This woman could easily be my hero!  Thanks to Molly for sharing!

Let’s start the day out with something way cool and beautiful.  You should open this one up to full screen and turn the sound up so you can hear the beautiful music.  Thanks to K² for sharing this…

What imagination, reflexes and skill! And, what a bike!!

His bike is an extension of his body

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=Cj6ho1-G6tw&vq=medium

Q: If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make?
A: Slippers!
Q: Why did the man take a pencil to bed?
A: To draw the curtains!

Sit back, relax and allow yourself to be wowed!  A trapeze tango performance at a cabaret in France:

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=5hIc2ODfRxQ

Yup, one of my favorite pictures and comments of all time:

You go guys!

This cab driver had the PERFECT response:

I know some people who are easily entertained, too.  Maybe even a dragon or two…

Dang Dog!  He’s giving away my secrets as to how I get in and out of the caverns without security knowing!

 

That’s just wrong…on SO many levels!

What would have happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys? We would be eating pussy every Thanksgiving.

 

The actors had one great movie after another. They were on a role.

 

Never use wet wood in your fireplace.

You should always let weeping logs dry.

 

When the plumber finished unplugging the sink, he felt drained.

Well, he really does!

There I was standing in a bar in New York and this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me.

I said to him, “Do you know any of that martial arts stuff, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”

He says, “No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee?”

“No”, I said, “It’s because you’re drinking my beer you slanty eyed little prick.”

It may not surprise you at all, as many of us have known for quite
some time, that the so-called media in this country is not in the
business of reporting news so much as the manufacturing of
perceptions.

These clips from local news broadcast all over the country
demonstrate rather clearly that even the local news is, at least in
part, scripted from a central location an from there disseminated
to local outlets.

It takes a late night comedy show to demonstrate that the news is
in the business of shaping our perceptions.

Canned News…

If you ever had any doubt the media was controlled…

This one is called Jager im Schnee or…well… you see what it means!

Today’s Last Word…is a picture quiz.  Look at each picture in turn and try to figure out what it is.  Give yourself 1 point for each one you answer correctly.  There are 11 total.

Okay, here we go, here’s the first one:

What’s the answer?  Scroll down a little to find out…

…

…

…

It’s an egg plant!  Of course it is.  How could you be so silly not to have gotten that one?  Okay, now on to the next one.  This one is going to be a little bit harder

Well, who do you think this is?

…

…

…

Yes, he’s a doctor…

and he has a pepper for a head…

so that makes him…

Dr. Pepper.  Yeah, you got it!

Now, this next one is really tough!

Okay, now think about it for a minute…

…

…

…

It’s obviously a piece of furniture…

a table …

with a pool in it …

Yup, it’s a pool table.

Didn’t get that one did you?

Or did you?

How about this tricky one:

Okay, I will admit that this one was a real stumper for me…

…

…

…

Belly faucet?

….

Nope, how about…

Tap Dancers?  Yeah, I know.

Don’t start throwing things just yet, got a few more to go:

Now, the original sender of this one thought this was one of the real stumpers…

but I warn you, I got it right off…

…

What do you think it is?

…

…

It’s a card shark!  Pretty simple right?  Yup, I thought so, too!

Now this snickerer…

I’ll admit that this one is a bit of a reach…

….

think of Michael Jackson

…

He did catch his hair on fire doing a Pepsi commercial, right?

…

Did you get it?

The king of Pop!!!

Yeah, I’m a Coke man, myself…

And then the next one:

Okay, this one gave me fits. 

…

I’m not sure the first time I saw it whether I got it right or not.

…

It’s really not what you think.

…

What do you think?

It’s…

an iPod (eye pod)

I can hear you groaning now.  Don’t take it out on me, I’m just the presenter:

I will say that this one is definitely a toughie.

…

It’s not a croc shop

…

or even anything like that

…

it’s …

Are you ready?

…

Gator Aid!

Okay, you!  I saw you in the back row, throw that tomato!

Don’t make me come back there…

At least not before I show you this next one

Okay, now see

…

that was an easy one

…

wasn’t it?

…

a Knight Mare!

Getting close to the end now.  How are you doing, point-wise?

Before you guess this one, if you are doing well,

you should have 8 or a perfect 9 so far

…

Guess this one, at number 10

…

and you are almost at the end.

…

What do you think this one is?

Did you guess

hole milk? (Whole Milk)

Okay, good job.  Now, last picture…

Those of us of a more round persuasion

…

Like dragons and mountain dwarves

…

should order these when we go out

…

to the local tavern

Did you guess?

And did you guess light beer?

Well, that’s what it was.  A light beer.  Get it?  Light … Beer… No?  Well, all I can say is,
Better luck next time.  And speaking of next time…that will be our yearly Christmas issue and until then, May all your days be safe and merry.