Ok I’m for SURE not awake when you are reading this, its even a fair possibility I’m not even all snug in my super duper tippy top secret Mayan End of Days Survival Fortress of I’m Taking It All With Me Shelter One Keebler Towers Penthouse king-sized bed whilst visions of naked SUGAR PLUM Fairies are dancing in my head.

Likely I’m either dead asleep (dare to awaken me Impish and DIE! ) or still on the road returning home from seeing Molly’s family for Christmas. Logistics and obligations required that we start our trip home late on Christmas Day. Since I will have been gone since the weekend I’m actually putting this edition together well in advance of publication.

Hope you all had a great Christmas, ate & drank only to excess, got some good gifts and spent some great family time together. I know I did and I even got to work on my winter tan some too (it was 80° where I was).

Triplet Honeymoons

A mother had triplet daughters and, sure enough, they all got married the same day. On their wedding night, mom tells each one to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a “code” to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

Two days later the letters start to arrive from the various honeymoon destination spots.

The first one has the simple message: “Maxwell House Coffee”. The mother gets the newspaper and checked the Maxwell House advertisement, and it says, “Satisfaction to the last drop.” Mother is very happy.

The next day she gets the second letter. It reads: “Rothman’s Mattresses”. So the mother looks at the Rothman’s Mattresses ad and it’s headlined, “Full Size, King Size”. And the mother is happy.

But she waits and waits for the third letter. It finally arrives after three weeks and has the message: “British Airways”. Mother is at first perplexed, and when she finally finds the British Airways ad she fainted. The ad read:

“Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.”

 

If that’s hard to read, here’s the text:

Scouting for ‘camel toads’ at pool

Q: I hope you can help me with a problem I have with my godson. Last summer he visited me for two weeks and plans to return in July. When cleaning out the room he stays in, I found an unfinished correspondence to a chum of his in his hometown. In it he says he [is] going to our local pool to “scout out some camel toads.” (I believe that’s what it said, he had spilled iced tea all over the desk when writing it, and it damaged a lot of papers.) I’m concerned he is doing drugs.
I tried to look for camel toads in a drug book, and I didn’t find them, but I found references to some type of frog or toad that people in another country lick to hallucinate. I don’t want to approach him on this until I have more information.
He is a good boy in middle school whose parents do not even drink. Please let me know what camel toads are and how I might be able to tell if he is smoking, taking, or licking them.
Perhaps I should have talked to his parents, but I don’t want to jump the gun. Is this something the local authorities need to be alerted to in order to protect other patrons at the pool or surrounding area? A concerned and uninformed reader
A: The iced tea did a number on the toads, so my younger, hipper coworkers tell me. What he undoubtedly wrote was “camel toes,” a crude euphemism for, well, too-tight pants worn by females.
The good news is that the expression has absolutely nothing to do with drugs. It has everything to do with why teenage boys go to the pool in the first place.

 

Apparently I was a stupid kid: I went to the pool to swim, not scope out the crotches of my friends’ moms.

Yes, it’s real: it ran in the 15 June 2005 “Ask Leslie” advice column in the Hays, Kansas, Daily News. Leslie Potter was a librarian in town, and this happened to be one of her last columns; she moved away shortly afterward, presumably for reasons unrelated to this particular column.

I met a fairy the other day and she said she would grant me one wish.
“I want to live forever,” I said.

“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant that particular wish.”

“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die the day after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!”

“You crafty bastard,” said the fairy.

The Year is running out!

How to change a number 1 to a number 2.

 

A Tongue-In-Cheek Commentary From a California Friend…

It’s So Unfair!

It irks me that all these people on the East Coast are bragging about how much rain they got. Although I have to wonder what some of these women meant when they said that they got eight inches last night.

Damn greedy Easterner get more rain in one day than what we poor, struggling people in southern California get in a year. So those snotty Easterners are strutting around, pointing out how they didn’t have to pay anyone to move their trees for them. How they didn’t have to pay to get their lawns and gardens watered. Those greedy bastards, showing off their recreational waterways in the streets. Like you really suffered, you whiners. I’ll show you suffering.

Here in southern California, we have to endure 80 degree weather with no cloud cover. Do you realize how hard it is to get sunscreen at this time of the year? I bet you self-absorbed bastards never thought of that. Keeping up a tan is hard work. Not that you pasty-faced Easterners would understand such grueling work. You have to lie perfectly still on hot beach sand for hours. And if some California blonde in a string bikini stands next to you, you have to tell her to move because her boobs are casting a shadow across your face. It’s a war zone out there.

Then you whiny whiners whine about high winds. Let me bend over and I will show you high wind, buddy. Every October we get hot dry Santa Ana winds that whip through our canyons at 80 miles per hour. You don’t see us saying we can’t go to school or we can’t go to work. You Easterners are a bunch of slackers. You’re letting a couple of drops of water be the excuse for why you can’t go to work or school. So while you slacking slackers are slacking off around your house, eating a scrumptious canned dinner in the romantic glow of flashlights, seductively swaying to the scintillating sound of news breaks on your battery-powered radios, we poor, hard-working southern Californians have to go to work and look at the sunshine on the other side of the window. What a torture!

This is so unfair, dammit. It is just not fair that you Easterners get all the breaks.

Where to put #44??

Where, oh where — to put Obama’s picture.

George Washington, our nation’s first president and leader of the American Revolution!

Abe Lincoln, honorable leader who pulled our nation through its darkest time!

Alexander Hamilton, founding father, first Secretary of the Treasury and leader of the constitutional convention!

Andrew Jackson, “Old Hickory ” fought the British in New Orleans !

Ulysses Grant, Union army general, led the North through the Civil War!

Ben Franklin, genius inventor, political theorist and leading author of the Constitution.

 
Finally, we have someone to put on the food stamp!!!

Obama’s policies have put more people on welfare than any president before him, so this placement is most appropriate. Unlike the Nobel Peace Prize, for which he did nothing, this is an “honor” he richly deserves.

 

Ya’ll been warned now hear?

 

I’m guessing some of you still have pesky Christmas guests eating you out of house and larder while others of you are now focusing on New Years and what special thing(s) to make for that. Here’s a bunch of things that will have you reaching to loosen your belt yet another notch. (Seriously Impish did you just loosen yours THREE notches in anticipation? I’ve never seen suspender tabs on a scaled hide before either! )

Blueberry Bread and Rice Pudding with Orange Caramel Sauce

This pudding combo uses both rice and sweet Hawaiian bread (with a blast of blueberries, orange zest and juice) for texture and flavor, with evaporated milk for richness without the fat. You’d never know it was fewer than 300 calories per serving!

Ingredients

• 12 ounces sweet Hawaiian bread, cut into 1/2-inch pieces (about 10 cups)
• 1 1/4 cups fat-free evaporated milk
• 1 cup 2-percent milk
• 1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons sugar
• 1 1/2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
• Large pinch freshly grated nutmeg
• Kosher salt
• 2 large eggs
• 3/4 cup cooked wild rice
• 1 cup blueberries
• Nonstick cooking spray
• 1 tablespoon toasted, sliced almonds
• 1/4 teaspoon finely grated orange zest
• 1 tablespoon orange juice

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Spread the bread cubes out on a baking sheet and bake until toasted and golden, tossing halfway through, about 15 minutes. Let cool.

Whisk together 1 cup of the evaporated milk with the 2-percent milk, 1/2 cup sugar, 1 teaspoon vanilla, nutmeg, a pinch of salt and eggs in a large bowl. Add the cooled bread cubes and wild rice. Toss to combine and set aside until the bread soaks up most of the liquid, about 30 minutes.

Stir the blueberries into the mixture and transfer to a lightly oiled 2-quart baking dish. Top with the almonds and bake until the bread pudding is set and golden, 30 to 40 minutes. Remove and let rest for a few minutes.

Meanwhile, add the remaining 2 tablespoons sugar to a small saucepan. Swirl over medium-low heat until the sugar dissolves and turns amber, about 7 minutes. Stir in the remaining 1/4 cup evaporated milk, 1/2 teaspoon vanilla, orange zest, orange juice and a pinch of salt. Bring to a simmer and cook until slightly thickened, about 2 minutes. Drizzle the caramel sauce over bread pudding. Serve warm or at room temperature.

Cheesecake Brownies

These marbled brownies combine two decadent treats, lightened up. The cheesecake layer is made with reduced-fat cream cheese while low-fat buttermilk keeps the brownie base moist and fudgy.

Ingredients

• Cooking spray

Cheesecake topping:

• 8 ounces reduced-fat cream cheese (Neufchatel)
• 1/3 cup sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 large egg

Brownie Layer:

• 2 ounces semisweet chocolate, coarsely chopped
• 3 tablespoons unsalted butter
• 2 tablespoons canola oil
• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/2 cup unsweetened Dutch-process cocoa powder
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon fine sea salt
• Pinch cayenne pepper
• 3/4 cup packed dark brown sugar
• 1/4 cup granulated sugar
• 1/2 cup lowfat buttermilk
• 2 large egg whites
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract

Directions

Position the rack in the lower third of the oven and preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Line an 8 by 8-inch baking pan with foil so it hangs over the edges by about 1-inch. Spray with cooking spray.

Cheesecake topping: In a medium bowl and using an electric mixer at medium speed, beat the cream cheese until smooth and creamy, about 1 minute. Beat in the sugar and the vanilla until very smooth, 1 to 2 minutes. Beat in the egg until well blended. Set aside.

Brownie layer: Put the chocolate, butter, and oil in a small microwave-safe bowl and heat at 75 percent power for 30 seconds. Stir and microwave again until melted and smooth, about 30 seconds longer. (Alternatively, put the chocolate, butter, and oil in a small heatproof bowl. Bring a small saucepan filled with 1 inch or so of water to a very slow simmer; set the bowl over, not touching, the water, and stir occasionally, until melted and smooth.)

Combine the flour, cocoa powder, baking powder, salt, and cayenne in a medium bowl.

Combine the brown sugar and granulated sugar in a large bowl. Whisk in the buttermilk, egg whites, and vanilla. Add the chocolate mixture and whisk vigorously until fully incorporated and the batter is thick and glossy. Gradually add the flour mixture and stir just until it disappears.

Reserve 1/2 cup brownie batter and set aside. Scrape the remaining brownie batter into the prepared pan. Pour the cheesecake mixture evenly over top. Drop the reserved brownie batter in large dollops over the topping. Draw the handle of a wooden spoon through the two batters to create a swirled effect.

Bake until the top is just set, 40 to 45 minutes. Let cool completely in the pan on a wire rack. Lift brownies out of the pan by the foil and peel off the foil. Spray a knife with cooking spray and cut into 2-inch squares.

Nutritional analysis per serving: 1 brownie. Calories 200; Total Fat 10g; (Sat Fat 4 g, Mono Fat 3 g, Poly Fat 1 g); Protein 4 g; Carb 27 g; Fiber 1 g; Cholesterol 30 mg; Sodium 180 mg

Berry Brown Betty

This dessert lets fruit shine, with the sweet crunch of crushed sugar cones to round it all out.

Ingredients

• 1 stick unsalted butter, melted, plus more for the dish
• 4 Golden Delicious apples, peeled, cored and cut into 3/4-inch pieces
• 2 cups blackberries
• 1/3 cup granulated sugar
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1/2 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
• Finely grated zest and juice of 1/2 lemon
• 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
• 1 cup crushed sugar cones (about 6 cones)
• 1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
• 1/2 cup chopped almonds
• 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
• Vanilla ice cream or whipped cream, for topping (optional)

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Butter a 1 1/2-quart baking dish. Toss the apples, blackberries, granulated sugar, 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon, 1/4 teaspoon nutmeg, the lemon zest and juice, flour and 4 tablespoons melted butter in a large bowl.

In another bowl, combine the cones, brown sugar, the remaining 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon and 1/4 teaspoon nutmeg, the almonds, salt and the remaining 4 tablespoons melted butter.

Pour half of the apple-berry mixture into the prepared baking dish. Scatter half of the cone mixture on top. Spread the remaining apple-berry mixture on top, then sprinkle with the remaining cone mixture. Bake until the apples are soft and the topping is golden brown, 40 to 45 minutes. Transfer the dish to a rack and let sit 10 minutes before serving. Top with ice cream or whipped cream, if desired.

SERVES 8; Calories: 325; Total Fat 15 grams; Saturated Fat: 7.5 grams; Protein: 3 grams; Total carbohydrates: 48 grams; Sugar: 35 grams; Fiber 5 grams; Cholesterol: 30 milligrams; Sodium: 168 milligrams

Ginger Spice Cheesecake

Prep 15 min.  Total 7 hr. 40 min.  Serves 16

Bake: 1 hr. 5 min. Chill: 4 hr.   Cool: 2 hr. 20 min.

Cinnamon, nutmeg and a secret ingredient make this mouthwatering cheesecake anything but ordinary.  Cool and creamy with just the right amount of spice…it’s absolutely irresistible!

What You’ll Need

38 gingersnap cookies, finely crushed (2 cups cookie crumbs)
3 tablespoons butter, melted
1 1/3 cups plus 3 tablespoons sugar
3 packages (8 ounces each) cream cheese, softened
1 can (10 3/4 ounces) Campbell’s® Condensed Tomato Soup
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
3 eggs
1 tablespoon vanilla extract

How to Make It

• 1

  Heat the oven to 350°F.  Wrap aluminum foil around the outside of a 9-inch springform pan.

• 2

  Stir the cookie crumbs, butter and 3 tablespoons sugar in a medium bowl.  Press the crumb mixture into the bottom and 1/2 inch up the sides of the pan.

• 3

  Bake for 10 minutes or until the crust is lightly browned.  Remove the pan from the oven.  Let the crust cool in the pan on a wire rack for 20 minutes.

• 4

  Beat the cream cheese and remaining sugar in a large bowl with an electric mixer on medium speed until the mixture is creamy.  Beat in the soup, cinnamon and nutmeg.  Add the eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition.  Beat in the vanilla extract.  Pour the batter into the pan.

• 5

  Bake for 55 minutes or until the center is almost set.  Let the cheesecake cool in the pan on a wire rack for 2 hours.  Cover and refrigerate for 4 hours or overnight.

Nutritional Information

The following nutritional information refers to the entire recipe and not just the products used as ingredients.

Nutrition per Serving

Campbell’s Tomato Soup

Calories 327   Total Fat 19g   Saturated Fat 10g   Cholesterol  105mg

Sodium 322mg   Total Carbohydrate 35g   Dietary Fiber 1g

Protein 5g   Vitamin A 15%DV   Vitamin C   2%DV   Calcium 6%DV

Iron 5%DV

 

Tomato Carrot Spice Cake

At a glance

Prep 20 min.  Total 2 hr. 30 min.   Serves 16

Bake: 1 hr.   Cool: 1 hr. 10 min.

Using soup to make cake…you bet!  Celebrate the season with this delectable spice cake, made moist and tasty with carrots, raisins, nuts and our special ingredient…tomato soup.

What You’ll Need

Vegetable cooking spray
2 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon baking soda
1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon salt
4 eggs
1 can (10 3/4 ounces) Campbell’s® Condensed Tomato Soup
3/4 cup vegetable oil
1 3/4 cups sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
3 large carrots, finely shredded (about 3 cups)
1 cup golden raisins
1/2 cup walnuts, chopped
1 cup heavy cream
2 teaspoons grated orange peel
2 tablespoons orange-flavored liqueur

How to Make It

• 1

  Heat the oven to 350°F. Spray a 12-cup fluted tube cake pan with the cooking spray.

• 2

  Mix the flour, baking soda, cinnamon, nutmeg and salt in a large bowl.

• 3

  Beat the eggs with a fork or wire whisk in another large bowl. Beat in the soup, oil, sugar and vanilla. Stir in the carrots.

• 4

  Add the soup mixture to the flour mixture, stirring just to moisten. Stir in the raisins and walnuts. Spoon the batter into the prepared pan.

• 5

  Bake for 1 hour or until a toothpick inserted in the center of the cake comes out clean. Cool the cake in the pan on a wire rack for 10 minutes. Remove the cake from the pan and cool completely on the wire rack.

• 6

  Stir the cream, orange peel and liqueur in a medium bowl. Beat with an electric mixer on high speed until the mixture is stiff. Serve the whipped cream mixture with the cake.

 

 

We’re all still acutely aware of the Tragedy the befell Sandy Hook Elementary School less than 2 weeks ago. Unfortunately such events seem to be like flames to a moth when it comes to other sick whackos. The Sunday following the tragedy someone made a bomb threat against the local Catholic Church their in Sandy Hook, St Rose of Lima and the Noon Mass being held to remember the victims was interrupted, evacuated and the Church had to be closed for the rest of the day. I’m fairly certain there was at least one other incident not in the area of Sandy Hook that but that was related to the remembrance of the victims though as I write this I cannot recall where I saw it or the exact circumstances.

However there is one going virally around the internet that is pure ‘heifer dust’. Like all good BS hoaxes this one is well timed as well as wrapped in thin veneers of truth and angst. While essentially the author makes multiple good points about the problems of raising mentally ill children and getting tragedy preventative help she does it while apparently telling BLAINTANT LIES about her “first hand” experience with this issue AND at the expense of her CHILDREN’S REPUTATION as normal health well adjusted typical kids!

Here is a typical presentation of the suspect load of steaming farm fresh bio-waste:

I am Adam Lanza’s Mother

It’s time to talk about mental illness

“Michael” with butterfly

I am Adam Lanza’s Mother

It’s time to talk about mental illness

Friday’s horrific national tragedy—the murder of 20 children and six adults at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut—has ignited a new discussion on violence in America. In kitchens and coffee shops across the country, we tearfully debate the many faces of violence in America: gun culture, media violence, lack of mental health services, overt and covert wars abroad, religion, politics and the way we raise our children. Liza Long, a writer based in Boise, says it’s easy to talk about guns. But it’s time to talk about mental illness.

Three days before 20 year-old Adam Lanza killed his mother, then opened fire on a classroom full of Connecticut kindergartners, my 13-year old son Michael (name changed) missed his bus because he was wearing the wrong color pants.

“I can wear these pants,” he said, his tone increasingly belligerent, the black-hole pupils of his eyes swallowing the blue irises.

“They are navy blue,” I told him. “Your school’s dress code says black or khaki pants only.”

“They told me I could wear these,” he insisted. “You’re a stupid bitch. I can wear whatever pants I want to. This is America. I have rights!”

“You can’t wear whatever pants you want to,” I said, my tone affable, reasonable. “And you definitely cannot call me a stupid bitch. You’re grounded from electronics for the rest of the day. Now get in the car, and I will take you to school.”

I live with a son who is mentally ill. I love my son. But he terrifies me.

A few weeks ago, Michael pulled a knife and threatened to kill me and then himself after I asked him to return his overdue library books. His 7 and 9 year old siblings knew the safety plan—they ran to the car and locked the doors before I even asked them to. I managed to get the knife from Michael, then methodically collected all the sharp objects in the house into a single Tupperware container that now travels with me. Through it all, he continued to scream insults at me and threaten to kill or hurt me.

That conflict ended with three burly police officers and a paramedic wrestling my son onto a gurney for an expensive ambulance ride to the local emergency room. The mental hospital didn’t have any beds that day, and Michael calmed down nicely in the ER, so they sent us home with a prescription for Zyprexa and a follow-up visit with a local pediatric psychiatrist.

We still don’t know what’s wrong with Michael. Autism spectrum, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant or Intermittent Explosive Disorder have all been tossed around at various meetings with probation officers and social workers and counselors and teachers and school administrators. He’s been on a slew of antipsychotic and mood altering pharmaceuticals, a Russian novel of behavioral plans. Nothing seems to work.

At the start of seventh grade, Michael was accepted to an accelerated program for highly gifted math and science students. His IQ is off the charts. When he’s in a good mood, he will gladly bend your ear on subjects ranging from Greek mythology to the differences between Einsteinian and Newtonian physics to Doctor Who. He’s in a good mood most of the time. But when he’s not, watch out. And it’s impossible to predict what will set him off.

Several weeks into his new junior high school, Michael began exhibiting increasingly odd and threatening behaviors at school. We decided to transfer him to the district’s most restrictive behavioral program, a contained school environment where children who can’t function in normal classrooms can access their right to free public babysitting from 7:30-1:50 Monday through Friday until they turn 18.

The morning of the pants incident, Michael continued to argue with me on the drive. He would occasionally apologize and seem remorseful. Right before we turned into his school parking lot, he said, “Look, Mom, I’m really sorry. Can I have video games back today?”

“No way,” I told him. “You cannot act the way you acted this morning and think you can get your electronic privileges back that quickly.”

His face turned cold, and his eyes were full of calculated rage. “Then I’m going to kill myself,” he said. “I’m going to jump out of this car right now and kill myself.”

That was it. After the knife incident, I told him that if he ever said those words again, I would take him straight to the mental hospital, no ifs, ands, or buts. I did not respond, except to pull the car into the opposite lane, turning left instead of right.

“Where are you taking me?” he said, suddenly worried. “Where are we going?”

“You know where we are going,” I replied.

“No! You can’t do that to me! You’re sending me to hell! You’re sending me straight to hell!”

I pulled up in front of the hospital, frantically waiving for one of the clinicians who happened to be standing outside. “Call the police,” I said. “Hurry.”

Michael was in a full-blown fit by then, screaming and hitting. I hugged him close so he couldn’t escape from the car. He bit me several times and repeatedly jabbed his elbows into my rib cage. I’m still stronger than he is, but I won’t be for much longer.

The police came quickly and carried my son screaming and kicking into the bowels of the hospital. I started to shake, and tears filled my eyes as I filled out the paperwork—“Were there any difficulties with… at what age did your child… were there any problems with.. has your child ever experienced.. does your child have…”

At least we have health insurance now. I recently accepted a position with a local college, giving up my freelance career because when you have a kid like this, you need benefits. You’ll do anything for benefits. No individual insurance plan will cover this kind of thing.

For days, my son insisted that I was lying—that I made the whole thing up so that I could get rid of him. The first day, when I called to check up on him, he said, “I hate you. And I’m going to get my revenge as soon as I get out of here.”

By day three, he was my calm, sweet boy again, all apologies and promises to get better. I’ve heard those promises for years. I don’t believe them anymore.

On the intake form, under the question, “What are your expectations for treatment?” I wrote, “I need help.”

And I do. This problem is too big for me to handle on my own. Sometimes there are no good options. So you just pray for grace and trust that in hindsight, it will all make sense.

I am sharing this story because I am Adam Lanza’s mother. I am Dylan Klebold’s and Eric Harris’s mother. I am James Holmes’s mother. I am Jared Loughner’s mother. I am Seung-Hui Cho’s mother. And these boys—and their mothers—need help. In the wake of another horrific national tragedy, it’s easy to talk about guns. But it’s time to talk about mental illness.

According to Mother Jones, since 1982, 61 mass murders involving firearms have occurred throughout the country. Of these, 43 of the killers were white males, and only one was a woman. Mother Jones focused on whether the killers obtained their guns legally (most did). But this highly visible sign of mental illness should lead us to consider how many people in the U.S. live in fear, like I do.

When I asked my son’s social worker about my options, he said that the only thing I could do was to get Michael charged with a crime. “If he’s back in the system, they’ll create a paper trail,” he said. “That’s the only way you’re ever going to get anything done. No one will pay attention to you unless you’ve got charges.”

I don’t believe my son belongs in jail. The chaotic environment exacerbates Michael’s sensitivity to sensory stimuli and doesn’t deal with the underlying pathology. But it seems like the United States is using prison as the solution of choice for mentally ill people. According to Human Rights Watch, the number of mentally ill inmates in U.S. prisons quadrupled from 2000 to 2006, and it continues to rise—in fact, the rate of inmate mental illness is five times greater (56 percent) than in the non-incarcerated population.

With state-run treatment centers and hospitals shuttered, prison is now the last resort for the mentally ill—Rikers Island, the LA County Jail and Cook County Jail in Illinois housed the nation’s largest treatment centers in 2011.

No one wants to send a 13-year old genius who loves Harry Potter and his snuggle animal collection to jail. But our society, with its stigma on mental illness and its broken healthcare system, does not provide us with other options. Then another tortured soul shoots up a fast food restaurant. A mall. A kindergarten classroom. And we wring our hands and say, “Something must be done.”

I agree that something must be done. It’s time for a meaningful, nation-wide conversation about mental health. That’s the only way our nation can ever truly heal.

God help me. God help Michael. God help us all.

(Originally published at The Anarchist Soccer Mom.)

Liza Long is an author, musician, and erstwhile classicist. She is also a single mother of four bright, loved children, one of whom has special needs.

Now for the TRUTH about this heart wrenching article and this woman:

Want the Truth Behind “I Am Adam Lanza’s Mother”? Read her blog.

Posted on December 16, 2012

Update: Please see my joint statement with Liza Long. We do not want to be part of a “mommy war” and want to steer this conversation in a productive and respectful direction.

Update: Please see my follow-up post “A brief response on Liza Long”

Liza Long, the woman who wrote the viral post “I Am Adam Lanza’s Mother”, is being held up as a heroic woman warranting sympathy for bring the plight of her mentally ill son to the public.

Her blog tells a different story. Long has written a series of vindictive and cruel posts about her children in which she fantasizes about beating them, locking them up and giving them away. In most posts, her allegedly insane and violent son is portrayed as a normal boy who incites her wrath by being messy, buying too many Apple products and supporting Obama.

I feel uncomfortable speculating about someone’s private life based on a blog. But since these children are likely to be the object of enormous media attention, someone should be paying close attention to the words of their mother.

These children could be in real danger if her goal was to capitalize on the Newtown tragedy by creating a media campaign designed to give her sympathy. If I am wrong about this, I truly apologize. But there is a 13-year-old boy who has already had his reputation destroyed and who may be facing serious harm.

This “national conversation” on mental illness needs to include the mental illness of mothers and the online privacy of their children.

According to the blog, Liza Long is going through a bitter divorce and has violent and paranoid fantasies about her family. The father of the children is also portrayed as abusive.

Below, some excerpts:

On wanting to throttle her kids and give them to the state, in blog post titled I Quit!

Dear Progeny of Mine who cannot be in the car together for more than five minutes without erupting into screams that make a Japanese horror flick seem tame by comparison: No, you cannot ever have computer time again. Not ever. Your “I love to fart on you” song may seem whimsical or even clever to you, my dear seven year old. But it makes me want to throttle you.

And you, the 11 year old in the back, if you even touch your brother again, I will call your parole officer.  I quit! Let the state take care of you and your compulsive inability to stop poking people.

And five year old, please only cry like that if you are facing imminent death—not if you drop your lollipop on the car floor, where it joins a two year food supply of discarded candy, fruit snacks, and cracker crumbs. Believe me, life will throw you much tougher challenges, and at this rate, you will be nothing but a fluffy cheerleader who drops the ball at the first sign of a chipped manicure.

On her allegedly violently insane son, described pre-Newtown massacre as a normal boy:

Those of you who aren’t parents should really take my advice and stick with a puppy.

Because the puppy will never grow up to be a teenager.

Confession: My teen is driving me nuts. Oh sure, the rest of you see this poised, self-confident, polite young man who always holds doors open and helps little old ladies cross the street and can magically make your iPad work. Sure, he’s a straight A Boy Scout who can play anything in the key of Coldplay on the piano and writes English essays that make his teacher weep for joy.

What you don’t see is him shooting rubber bands at his siblings while he is supposed to be cleaning the Room of Doom. I have asked him to clean said room, every day for the past two months, roughly 14.7 times per hour. If you have a teenage son, you know the room I am talking about. There’s no point in even trying to guess if the clothes are clean or dirty, or what that strange bloodlike substance on the wall is, or where the two year supply of cookie crumbs ground into the carpet came from. Do not, under any circumstances, look under the bed.

My son’s room also features a bizarre altar decorated with icons and product boxes for every single Apple item ever produced. The only thing missing is a candle. A picture of Saint Steve Jobs smirks benevolently down on this collection, which I must confess I didn’t realize was a collection—to me, it looked like a lot of old product packaging that needed to be tossed.

“No, Mom!” my son screamed as I started toward the shrine with a garbage bag in hand. “That’s Apple stuff! Steve Jobs personally designed those boxes. By himself!”

Um, okay.

In addition to worshiping Steve Jobs, my son is an Obama-loving Democrat. All day long I have to listen to him go on and on about how President Obama and Steve Jobs have made the earth a paradise right here and now, set to a Coldplay soundtrack (okay, at least the kid has decent taste in tuneage).

This is, of course, revenge for my own Ronald Reagan-loving years in a Carter-Dukakis-Clinton household. I still love Ronald Reagan.

This repudiation continues on citing specific instances where the woman apparently untruthfully publicly rants about how terrible her children are, as well as her son’s non-existent mental illness.

http://sarahkendzior.com/2012/12/16/want-the-truth-behind-i-am-adam-lanzas-mother-read-her-blog/

 

Instagram Can Sell Your Photos

 

Instagram says it now has the right to sell your photos

In its first big policy shift since Facebook bought the photo-sharing site, Instagram claims the right to sell users’ photos without payment or notification. Oh, and there’s no way to opt out.

How cool will those Instagrammed photos look in ads? Not very, but it’s happening anyway. The photo-sharing site announced on Monday that it has the right to sell all images without notification or payment—a huge policy shift that comes just three months after Facebook completed its acquisition of the site. And there’s more: unless Instagram users delete their accounts before January 16—the day the policy starts—they cannot opt out. So what does this mean? Instagram can sell your photos to advertisers, so your image of a restaurant can then be sold to that restaurant for a profit for Instagram—but not for the user. The move has already caused an outcry among Instagram users.

Reginald Braithwaite, an author and software developer, posted a tongue-in-cheek “translation” of the new Instagram policy today: “You are not our customers, you are the cattle we drive to market and auction off to the highest bidder. Enjoy your feed and keep producing the milk.”

Read the rest of the article here: http://news.cnet.com/8301-13578_3-57559710-38/instagram-says-it-now-has-the-right-to-sell-your-photos/

Also apparently how to make a buck off it and you without your permission!

Old-time radio programs

Do you have a lot of spare room on your music player? If so, you may be looking for an inexpensive way to load it up.

You probably have music and podcasts on your player, but don’t forget about radio programming. Old-time radio is a lot of fun. You’ll find free, legal old-time radio programs online.

The Internet Archive has a large selection of old radio programs such as Sherlock Holmes, Dragnet and World War II news broadcasts.

You can download the episodes in MP3 format. They’ll work on any music player, smartphone or computer. Or you can burn them to CD for listening in the car.

Cost: Free

Link: archive.org

 

I received this in my Inbox several days ago and deliberately did not read it but rather filed it for a later time. At that time my feelings were too raw to be able to read it.

See,I was raised to believe it is an able-bodied man’s duty to protect Children, Pets, the Elderly/Infirm and the Wimmin Folk (ladies don’t hand me no feminist lip now, I’m an old soul, an Officer (I hope) a Gentleman and I was taught to revere and honor the old ways so just bloody humor me) from harm to the maximum extent of our abilities in all cases and circumstances. This happening so near to my home wounded those sensibilities very deeply.

The author of the piece makes multiple good points with which I DO agree. However he also provoked me to thinking (and we all know just how dangerous THAT is!). When I started hearing all the clamoring for renewed Assault Weapons bans, stricter gun control laws, how a Television show about gun which saw a 50% increase in its ratings in its second year was canceled because of the liberal left’s comments on its FACEBOOK page (though the Network refuses to admit it publically), how many shows the Networks were either pulling episodes of or rescheduling the airing of episodes of period and how Radio Stations were pulling songs with ANY mention of violence or shootings on any kind from their airplay lists (you have to wonder what is left to play on the Rap stations) the thoughts which has been peculating in my mind just totally went from controlled reaction critical mass in less than a nanosecond in reaction to the removal of the logic rods which control such things and prevent the infusion of Liberal lunacy into my mind.

I actually piety the idiot from the PC Police or the Liberal Touchy Feelies that is dumb enough to suggest to me that in light of what happened I need to change the name of this feature to something which respects the sensitivities of the families of the slain or because it promotes gun violence.

First the well written article (attribution link is below it):

IS IT GUNS? Is it violent TV shows, movies, or video games? Is it crazy America? Well, before violent movies, in Bath Township, Michigan, on May 18, 1927, three bombs were exploded at Bath School, killing 38 elementary (second- to sixth-grade) school children, as well as two teachers and four other adults (plus the bomber), and at least 58 others were injured. The bomber? The treasurer for the School Board, who drove up in his car and set off a bomb to kill and injure those who went to the school to help.

That, not Newtown, not Columbine, not Virginia Tech, was the deadliest mass murder in a school in U.S. history. No guns involved, and Hollywood couldn’t be blamed back then. Nor were there guns — or Americans — involved in another incident today, which was mostly pushed out of the news in the U.S. in light of the horrific Connecticut incident: in Henan, China, a man went into a school and stabbed 22 children, plus one adult. Apparently, no one was killed, but one report I read said it was part of a “wave of brutal stabbings and hammerings throughout China” over the past few years.
Cripes: HAMMERINGS of children?!

What lesson can we get from things like what happened at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown? That it’s not something new, it’s not something American, and it’s not about bombs, guns, knives …or hammers. It’s about the how crazy people (and sometimes not-so-crazy people) turn to violence as an answer to their problems, real or perceived. I don’t know what the answer is, but it’s going to have to involve discussion on how we’ve closed most of our mental hospitals, pushing the mentally ill out to fend for themselves, or for ill-equipped families to deal with them without help. And yes, we DO need to have a discussion about whether it’s too easy for “nutballs” (or the irresponsible with guns families of “nutballs”) to get guns.

As I was writing this, I had the news on in the background (my “local” stations are from Denver; Columbine High School is just outside Littleton, a Denver suburb. I had the paragraph above finished when they showed an interview with the principal at Columbine — at the time of the 1999 shootings there, and still today. Frank DeAngeles said the answer isn’t more school security, and isn’t more gun control, but rather better help for people with mental problems. “The thing that I keep stating time and time again is what causes so much hate in people’s hearts that they’re willing to walk into an elementary school to injure or kill kids? Where did this start?” One thing that’s clear is, it started long, long ago. The better question to ask is, How will it end?

The only other thing I want to say tonight is a thank-you to my brother  and sister First Responders — police, firefighters, and EMTs – who rushed in to help today without having any idea whether it was safe, and were witness to unspeakable horror. I posted this to Facebook this  afternoon, attributed to the late children’s TV host Mr. Rogers: “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would  say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers — so many caring people in this world.” It is indeed comforting to know that when something like this does happen, there are always — ALWAYS — helpers to work toward making things better.

 http://www.thisistrue.com/d-newtown

Before we get to my reaction, our Legal Department insists a Disclaimer is required.

I FREELY ACKNOWLEDGE THAT SOME OF THE THOUGHTS AND WORDING BELOW ARE NOT SOLELY MINE BUT HAS BEEN PASSED AROUND THE WEB SO MUCH AS TO MAKE IT NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO LOCATE THE ORIGINAL SOURCE MATERIAL TO ATTRIBUTE IT CORRECTLY AND ACCURATELY.

BECAUSE OF THIS, I BELIEVE IT FALLS UNDER THE TERMS OF THE ‘FAIR USE’. ADDITIONALLY IN MOST CASES I HAVE EXPOUNDED MY OWN THOUGHTS/CLAIRIFICATIONS TO THOSE QUOTES USED, SO THEY ARE NOT WHOLLY TRUE TO THEIR ORIGINAL FORM TO GO BACK AND REFERENCE THEM.

LIBERALS AND ANYONE ELSE HAVING A CLOSE MINDED PROBLEM WITH THIS OR MY VIEWS EXPRESSED BELOW SHOULD FEEL FREE TO GO FRY ICE. POLITE DISCUSSION OF VIEWS OR OPINIONS OTHER THAN THE CLOSED MINDED EXPOUNDING OF LIBERAL  NONREALITY BASED ILLLOGICAL BOVINE BYPRODUCT PARTY DOGMA ON THE EVILS OF GUNS  ARE WELCOMED.

The only people that would voluntarily give up their guns or not have one to give up, are the law abiding citizens. The criminals will never give up
their illegal, non-registered weapons. The result would be a very well armed
criminal population & an unarmed citizen population unable to defend itself
against the criminals OR the government. This is precisely what the liberals
especially Obama want.

If the populace at large does not possess the SAME types of weapons as the government then they are little threat to it and a well armed populace ceases to be an effective deterrent to tyranny.

Saying that the legal ownership of a Bushmaster AR-15 was responsible for
the Newtown tragedy (notice they say nearly nothing about the 2 hi capacity
pistols which he also carried only the Assault style rife!) shows the exactly
same level of illogical liberal thinking as blaming a legally owned car for the car bombing it was used to carry out. In both cases there were simply a tool in the hands of someone bent on a murderous rampage who bears the
responsibility for the use of the tool.

Since in this case the welder of the tool is no long available to punish and
vilify for his crime, there are those on the left who would opportunistically
indict the tool for his crime in his place. They hope for a rush to judgment in an unfair trial in the court of public opinion due to the over wrought emotions and knee jerk reactions of the rest of the populace.

You want to blame someone? Hold someone responsible for this? Place someone
on trial for the actions of Adam Lanza? OK. Fine by me. Lets get right to the guts of this situation and place the blame where it so obviously squarely should be- I charge not the rifle or the 2 pistols he carried, I charge not Adam the mastermind behind the attack and trigger,

I CHARGE NANCY LANZA WITH FULL THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS HORRIFIC TRADEGY!

SHE is the one that took up target shooting in the last several years while raising a mentally ill (her words now) child that she was loath to leave along because she didn’t feel she could trust him and/or his behavior if left unsupervised.

SHE is the one who purchased the guns and brought them into a home with a
mentally unstable person whom she KNEW FULL WELL to be mentally unstable.

SHE is the one who took someone with Asperger’s Syndrome, which one of the known symptoms of is obsessive fixation (a potentially dangerous and deadly combination with readily accessible firearms) to the range and encouraged him to shoot REPEATEDLY AND OFTEN.

SHE is the one who obviously FAILED TO TAKE PROPER SAFETY MEASURES in securing those firearms against unauthorized access/usage as well as failed
to safely secure the ammunition and clips for them IN A HOME WHERE A
JUDGMENT IMPAIRED INDIVIDUAL was also residing.

While arguably she did pay the maximum penalty for her poor judgments and gun safety failures, so did 27 others along with her and their families including 20 children who were far too young to know what the business end of a weapon pointed at them in anger and hatred looked like much less experience it to the ultimate effect!

I SAY NANCY LANZA’S nearly criminal level of stupidity and poor judgment coupled with her careless disregard for even the most basic levels of firearm safety, NOT ADAM, NOT THE BUSHMASTER AR-15 that was used, NOT THE LOOP HOLE RIDDEN MENTAL HEALTH LAWS OF CONNECTICUT IS ULTIMATELY RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS TRAGEDY AND DESERVES THE VILIFICATION THAT THOSE ATTEMPTING TO ONCE AGAIN HI-JACK A TRAGEDY TO GUN-BAND-ISTAN ARE HEAPING UPON THE “ASSAULT WEAPON” for their own liberal we’ll stop at nothing, no such thing as stooping too low to get what we want agenda!

HOW DO YOU STOP SCHOOL/PUBLIC MASS SHOOTINGS THEN LETHAL?

I’m SO VERY glad you asked! The simple answer to this in fact comes from an e-mails sent me by loyal reader/commenter (even if she DOES do it largely in private) Graciemj {colored highlighting, underlining or bold print is my editorial emphasis of extremely salient facts/points]–

 

WE KNOW HOW TO STOP SCHOOL SHOOTINGS

December 19, 2012

In the wake of a monstrous crime like a madman’s mass murder of defenseless women and children at the Newtown, Conn., elementary school, the nation’s attention is riveted on what could have been done to prevent such a massacre.

Luckily, some years ago, two famed economists, William Landes at the University of Chicago and John Lott at Yale, conducted a massive study of multiple victim public shootings in the United States between 1977 and 1995 to see how various legal changes affected their frequency and death toll.

Landes and Lott examined many of the very policies being proposed right now in response to the Connecticut massacre: waiting periods and background checks for guns, the death penalty and increased penalties for committing a crime with a gun.

None of these policies had any effect on the frequency of, or carnage from, multiple-victim shootings. (I note that they did not look at reforming our lax mental health laws, presumably because the ACLU is working to keep dangerous nuts on the street in all 50 states.)

Only one public policy has ever been shown to reduce the death rate from such crimes: concealed-carry laws.

Their study controlled for age, sex, race, unemployment, retirement, poverty rates, state population, murder arrest rates, violent crime rates, and on and on.

The effect of concealed-carry laws in deterring mass public shootings was even greater than the impact of such laws on the murder rate generally.

Someone planning to commit a single murder in a concealed-carry state only has to weigh the odds of one person being armed. But a criminal planning to commit murder in a public place has to worry that anyone in the entire area might have a gun.

You will notice that most multiple-victim shootings occur in “gun-free zones” — even within states that have concealed-carry laws: public schools, churches, Sikh temples, post offices, the movie theater where James Holmes committed mass murder, and the Portland, Ore., mall where a nut starting gunning down shoppers a few weeks ago.

Guns were banned in all these places. Mass killers may be crazy, but they’re not stupid.

If the deterrent effect of concealed-carry laws seems surprising to you, that’s because the (liberal) media hide stories of armed citizens stopping mass shooters. At the Portland shooting, for example, no explanation was given for the amazing fact that the assailant managed to kill only two people in the mall during the busy Christmas season.

It turns out, concealed-carry-holder Nick Meli hadn’t noticed that the mall was a gun-free zone. He pointed his (otherwise legal) gun at the shooter as he paused to reload, and the next shot was the attempted mass murderer killing himself. (Meli aimed, but didn’t shoot, because there were bystanders behind the shooter.)

In a nonsense “study” going around the Internet right now, Mother Jones magazine claims to have produced its own study of all public shootings in the last 30 years and concludes: “In not a single case was the killing stopped by a civilian using a gun.”

This will come as a shock to people who know something about the subject.

The magazine reaches its conclusion by simply excluding all cases where an armed civilian stopped the shooter: They looked only at public shootings where four or more people were killed, i.e., the ones where the shooter wasn’t stopped.

If we care about reducing the number of people killed in mass shootings, shouldn’t we pay particular attention to the cases where the aspiring mass murderer was prevented from getting off more than a couple rounds?

It would be like testing the effectiveness of weed killers, but refusing to consider any cases where the weeds died.

In addition to the Portland mall case, here are a few more examples excluded by the Mother Jones’ methodology:

— Mayan Palace Theater, San Antonio, Texas, this week: Jesus Manuel Garcia shoots at a movie theater, a police car and bystanders from the nearby China Garden restaurant; as he enters the movie theater, guns blazing, an armed off-duty cop shoots Garcia four times, stopping the attack. Total dead: Zero.

— Winnemucca, Nev., 2008: Ernesto Villagomez opens fire in a crowded restaurant; concealed carry permit-holder shoots him dead. Total dead: Two. (I’m excluding the shooters’ deaths in these examples.)

— Appalachian School of Law, 2002: Crazed immigrant shoots the dean and a professor, then begins shooting students; as he goes for more ammunition, two armed students point their guns at him, allowing a third to tackle him. Total dead: Three.

— Santee, Calif., 2001: Student begins shooting his classmates — as well as the “trained campus supervisor”; an off-duty cop who happened to be bringing his daughter to school that day points his gun at the shooter, holding him until more police arrive. Total dead: Two.

— Pearl High School, Mississippi, 1997: After shooting several people at his high school, student heads for the junior high school; assistant principal Joel Myrick retrieves a .45 pistol from his car and points it at the gunman’s head, ending the murder spree. Total dead: Two.

— Edinboro, Pa., 1998: A student shoots up a junior high school dance being held at a restaurant; restaurant owner pulls out his shotgun and stops the gunman. Total dead: One.

By contrast, the shootings in gun-free zones invariably result in far higher casualty figures — Sikh temple, Oak Creek, Wis. (six dead); Virginia Tech, Blacksburg, Va. (32 dead); Columbine High School, Columbine, Colo. (12 dead); Amish school, Lancaster County, Pa. (five little girls killed); public school, Craighead County, Ark. (five killed, including four little girls).

All these took place in gun-free zones, resulting in lots of people getting killed — and thereby warranting inclusion in the Mother Jones study.

If what we care about is saving the lives of innocent human beings by reducing the number of mass public shootings and the deaths they cause, only one policy has ever been shown to work: concealed-carry laws. On the other hand, if what we care about is self-indulgent grandstanding, (PAYING ATTENTION LIBERALS ?!) and to hell with dozens of innocent children being murdered in cold blood, try the other policies.

COPYRIGHT 2012 ANN COULTER DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL UCLICK http://www.anncoulter.com/columns/2012-12-19.html

See you next year for your first hangover of 2013!

We’ll be prepared with a buffet of hangover remedies, hair of the dog, lots of strong coffee and several of those hangover treatment buses handy

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad and many other good wishes, blessings and hopes for you and all of yours from DL&LL Electronic Media, LLP.

It’s a different holiday now, then it might have been and as much as I’d like to sit here and rant about mentally sick people, I’d rather praise our Heavenly Father and ask his blessings and help to bring our country back to Him and to the paths of righteousness and love.

Do I think it will happen?  I think it’s up to a hell of a lot more people than just us…BUT!!!  I think “US” is a good start.

So, we will continue to battle the Bull Shit with laughter.  We will continue to point fingers where fingers need pointing, uncover things that need brought to light and we will do, all that we can, to do the things that are right, honorable and with integrity. 

May you all have a joyous holiday season, filled with the love of friends and family.  May your prayers be answered and God’s blessings fill your homes, hearts and lives.

Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas my very dear and wonderful friends.

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers!  I guess if you are reading this than the Mayans were wrong!  Then again, if they were right, you wouldn’t be reading this and I could pretty much say anything and you wouldn’t know the difference.
Albuquerque!
So, that won’t make any sense to any of you who survived, but to those of you who were destroyed, you’re laffing like mad right now, I know you are.
Besides, if you have ever watched the movie, National Treasure, you’ll laff whether the Mayans were right or wrong.
Well, this issue is ready to put to bed and I’m getting ready to climb down into the bomb shelter for the night.  So, you can now go on with the issue…that is…if it’s really there….
You know what I mean.You know, even the most happily of married couples have arguments sometimes.  That is why God invented make-up-sex, after all.  But sometimes, even the most intelligent of us, and Lethal will be the first to tell you that I’m not even a runner up in that category, say the wrong thing at the wrong time.  Well, we were at a family get-together and I complimented her sister and it was taken completely the wrong way.
I  thought it was a nice complement myself.  But, I gathered that telling her sister that her ass looked really hot in those jeans was the wrong thing to say.
So anyway, that evening at home, my wife was screaming at me: “Leave!  Get out of this house you son-of-a-bitch!”
As I was walking out the door she yelled, “You bastard, I hope you die a slow and painful death!”
So, I turned around and replied, “So now you want me to stay?”

Please don’t send any more flowers to my hospital room, it’s beginning to get a bit crowded.

And speaking of hospitals, and not with tongue in cheek, like the last story, in January I will be going in hospital for knee replacement surgery.  As it gets closer and we get more information, I will pass it along to all you campers.  I hope to be able to keep up with Dragon Laffs and possibly even publish MORE often as I will be doing a lot of sitting on my ass.  But, now you know.  More information to come and let’s do some more laffing, shall we?

And in keeping with our, “The Mayans Were Wrong” theme for today’s issue…

Okay, so this has been around… a lot!  But it’s funny every time I read it so we can call this a…

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ‘Hey, Vern! How ya doin?’

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

‘Oh no,’ says Vern. ‘He’s in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ‘How did she know that you drink Budweiser?’

‘I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.’

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says ‘Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?’

Vern’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says, ‘Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.’

VERN’S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY.

You guessed it!  A new subspecies!

They are referred to as“homo slackass–erectus” created by natural genetic downward evolution through constant spineless posturing, and spasmodic upper limb gestures, which new research has shown to cause shorter legs and an inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait. The “drag-crotch” shape also seems to effect brain function.  Expect no eye contact or intelligent verbal communication. History shows that this species mostly voted for Obama, receives food stamps, and full government care. 

 

 

 

 

John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill , who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing. John complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow. The Banker suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.
Next week, the Banker returned to see if the vet had helped. John really looked very pleased. “The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor’s cows! He’s been breeding just about everything in sight. He’s like a machine!”
“Wow,” said The Banker , “what did the vet do to that bull?”
“Just gave him some pills,” replied John.
“What kind of pills?” asked The Banker
“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”

To All My Liberal Acquaintances,

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.  I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2013, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere.  Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wish.

CIGA Blake

To My Conservative Friends,

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year in the year of our Lord Jesus Christ 2013

And happy hanukah!

Yeah, I know it’s not a Christmas joke, but it’s still funny…

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?

“Morris Feinberg,” he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.”

“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.”

“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man.”

“I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a fucking wall.”

I love getting emails from my dad, especially artistic ones…since he is a renowned artist himself, seeing the things that he finds interesting, is really cool to me.  So, thanks for this one, Dad!  Love ya!

A 19-year-old female college student from Japan, named Chooo-San made paintings on a model.  It looks so real.

Okay, every time this guy hits the Mario Jump Sound the cat freaks out!  Definitely worth a laff:
http://www.makeuseof.com/tech-fun/super-mario-jump-sound-scares-cat/

Did you ever have one of those days where you wake up knowing
that you were supposed to do something REALLY important that
day, but for the life of you, you can’t remember what the hell
it was? Mayan Calendar is having one of those days today.

Okay, so today’s way cool website is just that…WAY COOL.  I think you will really enjoy this one.

Motion Induced Blindness

 

It works exactly like it says, and is one major reason people in cars can look right at you (when you’re on a motorcycle or bicycle)—

 

AND NOT SEE YOU.

 

From a former Naval Aviator.

 

This is a great illustration of what we were taught about scanning outside the cockpit when I went through training back in the ’50s. We were told to scan the horizon for a short distance, stop momentarily, and repeat the process.

 

I can remember being told why this was the most effective technique to locate other aircraft. It was emphasized (repeatedly) to NOT fix your gaze for more than a couple of seconds on any single object.

 

The instructors, some of whom were WWII veterans with years of experience, instructed us to continually “keep our eyesmoving and our head on a swivel” because this was the best way to survive, not only in combat, but from peacetime hazards (like a midair collision) as well.

 

We basically had to take the advice on faith (until we could experience for ourselves) because the technology to demonstrate it didn’t exist at that time.

 

Click on the link below for a demonstration …

 

  http://www.msf-usa.org/motion.html

ALL BUT ONE!!! He paused, took a deep breath, got in touch with his feelings, and experienced a twinge of compassion for the girl whose apple stand had been overturned.

He told his buddies to go on without him, waved good-bye, told one of them to call his wife when they arrived at their home destination and explain his taking a later flight. Then he returned to the terminal where the apples were all over the terminal floor. He was glad he did. The 16-year-old girl was totally blind! She was softly crying, tears running down her cheeks in frustration, and at the same time helplessly groping for her spilled produce as the crowd swirled about her; no one stopping and no one to care for her plight. The salesman knelt on the floor with her, gathered up the apples, put them back on the table and helped organize her display. As he did this, he noticed that many of them had become battered and bruised; these he set aside in another basket. When he had finished, he pulled out his wallet and said to the girl, “Here, please take this $40 for the damage we did. Are you okay? She nodded through her tears. He continued on with, “I hope we didn’t spoil your day too badly.” As the salesman started to walk away, the bewildered blind girl called out to him, “Mister ….” He paused and turned to look back into those blind eyes. She continued, “Are you Jesus?” He stopped in mid-stride … and he wondered. He gently went back and said, “No, I am nothing like Jesus – He is good, kind, caring, loving, and would never have bumped into your display in the first place. “The girl gently nodded: “I only asked because I prayed for Jesus to help me gather the apples. He sent you to help me, so you are like Him – only He knows who will do His will. Thank you for hearing His call, Mister.” Then slowly he made his way to catch the later flight with that question burning and bouncing about in his soul: “Are you Jesus?” Do people mistake you for Jesus? That’s our destiny, is it not? To be so much like Jesus that people cannot tell the difference as we live and interact with a world that is blind to His love, life and grace. If we claim to know Him, we should live, walk and act as He would. Knowing Him is more than simply quoting scripture and going to church. It’s actually living the Word as life unfolds day to day . You are the apple of His eye even though you, too, have been bruised by a fall. He stopped what He was doing and picked up you and me on a hill called Calvary and paid in full for our damaged fruit. Share this, {IF you feel led to do so}. Sometimes we just take things for granted, when we really need to be sharing what we know…. Thanks. “Being happy doesn’t mean everything is perfect. It means you’ve decided to see beyond the imperfections.” This made my day. I pray it makes yours as well……..

Merry Christmas to you and yours !!

So boys and girls, campers and first time visitors, I hope and pray that you take the spirit of this little story and not only keep it for this wonderful holiday season, but take God’s love and the blessing of his son, Jesus Christ and the gift he gave to all of us on the cross.  The Love and best wishes from the Dragon Laffs and Leprechaun Laffs Electronic Media Family to you and your Families.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

I had originally envisioned an entire Mayan Calendar End of the World Issue for today. However according to those whom think they know best of situations like this, (Movie Writers & Directors, FEMA, DHA- the Department of Humor Screw Ups etc), with huge planetary impending doom events its best to keep the public ignorant, complacent and docile while us few privileged folk slip off to the pre-prepared Doomsday/Apocalypse Shelter sites. There to ride out the death of humanity, immerging later to do battle with the radio-active mutant carnivorous cockroaches of improbable size for the few remaining Twinkies we can find, while defending our apparently tasty flesh from the surviving now Zombiefied Democrats, who will still apparently be intent on surviving off the rest of us.

However, since we who are rich/important/smart [on a  personal note I got to tell you, its great to have all those bases covered] enough to survive the possible coming End of Day Scenario are attempting to down play it  to the rest of you whilst sneaking out of town on the down low let us continue on with a normal mere days before Christmas Issue.

Impish and I on behalf of the entire mystical, magical and farcical fantastical staff of DL/LL Electronic Media Enterprises would like to offer our readers these traditional Christmas holiday greetings:

To our Readers of Germanic Decent we say:

  To our Lithuanian Friends,

or if you’re Hungarian:

 

We say to our Slovak & Czech followers.

An extra special   to Impish’s Polish Posse (and thx for the Kruschiki!) 

A heart felt

to our Italian Friends with our assurances to all the Nonas we will attempt to get to as may of your Christmas Eve dinners invites as our stomachs and time allow!

To my Celtic Cousins we say:

And finally, last but not least in our hearts, to our personal friends, family and business connections in the organization of ‘Omerta’ in New York, New Jersey, Connecticut and Massachusetts we say a profoundly heartfelt and sincere:

 On a final note before we get started- Programmers and game designers often hide little extras in their creations to be stumbled upon. These are referred to as ‘Easter Eggs’ by geeks and the computer savvy alike.

As sort of a special stocking stuffer for the issue I have done exactly that with some extra content. I’ve turned key phrases or words in keeping with the holiday into clickable links which will open their content in new windows so you won’t lose you place in the blog. To help you ‘unwrap’ these gifts I have, with the exception of one uncooperatively stubborn blue one made them all red or green in the black text for you to find.

The Cat Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
Cos the cat had pounced on him and tore him apart
Ate his mousey intestines and chewed up his heart.
Kitty thought he heard sleigh bells, which made him take pause
He stopped daintily licking the blood from his claws.
“Must be Santa“, thought Kitty, that quite clever cat.
“Cos nobody else climbs down the chimney like that.”
Indeed it was old Santa, so jolly and fat
With a load of presents, and all for the cat!
“Wow, the best Christmas ever!” Kitty thought with a purr,
Then he coughed up a hairball and shed some more fur.

 

 

5 Gift Cards To Avoid For Holiday Shopping

Written by: Jason Notte 11/16/12 – 3:47 PM EST

NEW YORK (TheStreet) — A gift card can be a great holiday present, if you get a good one.

If you pick up just any old card from a company that’s limping through bankruptcy and has a roughly 50% chance of making it to the new year, you’re not just lazy and thoughtless, but a jerk to boot. How else do you describe someone who throws $25 to $500 into a “gift” that may never be redeemed for anything resembling that value.

According to market research firm NPD Group‘s recent study of consumer holiday buying intentions, 34% percent of consumers plan to buy gift cards or gift certificates this holiday. The study also found that women and upper-income households are more likely to dole out gift cards than any other consumer group.

Considering you gift recipient has about a one in three chance of getting a gift card at all this holiday season, spoiling the experience with a card for a shaky, dying retailer or restaurant probably isn’t the best gift-buying strategy out there.

To protect holiday shoppers’ investments and prevent them from basically giving out empty promises, we enlisted the help of the folks at ScripSmart and looked into the financial well-being of gift-card-giving retailers across the country. After plumbing the depths of ScripSmart’s gift card rankings, we came up with five cards holiday consumers might want to avoid this season:

Sears 
This gift card made our list last year. Other than surviving this long, Sears has done nothing to drum up much confidence in its gift card this year, either.

Back in February, it announced plans to spin off Sears Hometown and Outlet stores and sell 11 of its underperforming flagship stores to a real estate firm. In May, it decided to partially spin off its Sears Canada shops. Revenue has fallen every quarter this year and the Sears and Kmart brands themselves are just getting smoked by competitors such as Amazon  , Target , Wal-Mart  and Kohl’s  .

This gift card warning applies to Sears, Lands End and Kmart cards, though the latter will likely be the last card in the deck, as Sears Holdings is closing Kmarts at a far slower rate than any of its other shops.

American Airlines 
The airline’s mired in bankruptcy, embroiled in a labor dispute with pilots, saddled with an on-time arrival rate that dropped below 60% earlier this year and lodged in a holding pattern while U.S. Airways considers a merger or buyout.

With all those added benefits, who wouldn’t want an American Airlines gift card?

The holiday travel experience can be nightmarish as it is, and while an airline gift card may seem like a great way to ease the burden on friends or loved ones, this card is a nightmare unto itself. It’s nonrefundable, so you’re wagering on the airline’s future just by buying it. It also comes with a $5 shipping fee if you buy it online, which is about where you’re going to buy it unless you’re making a trip out to the airport for one.

FYE 
A store whose core business still centers around selling CDs, DVDs and Blu-ray discs in malls isn’t such a safe bet in 2012? Stunning.

We know our ratings folks have just loved that FYE’s parent company Trans World Entertainment closed 14% of its stores in the past year and cut net losses from $7 billion to $2 billion, but what’s great for investors isn’t always so great for consumers. Cut losses are still losses and sales at FYE and other Trans World stores were still down 15% during the first half of the year.

It’s a fundamentally different world than the one that existed when Trans World bought up music chains such as Camelot, Coconuts, Media Play, Sam Goody, Strawberries and Wherehouse Music and subsequently ground them into dust. Generation Y’s penchant for stealing music online altered the marketplace, made it almost exclusively online and digital and pretty much ensured no one would pay $15 for a CD again. Meanwhile, on-demand and streaming services shut down Blockbuster and Suncoast outlets and changed the digitally downloaded movie from a combo pack’s cheap throw-in to the main even on Amazon and Apple iTunes sites.

Rite Aid 
Health and beauty stores are usually a holiday staple, unless that health and beauty chain happens to be Rite Aid.

This group of stores has been unwell for some time. Its share price hovers below $1.50. Its debt stands at more than $6 billion. Its plan to remodel 500 existing shops into “wellness” stores is so cash-strapped it wouldn’t be completed until 2020 at the earliest. Its shareholders not-so-secretly hoped Walgreen would buy it out and, barring that, rooted for Walgreens’ fight with Express Scripts to continue so Rite Aid could pick up disgruntled customers.

Neither of those plans panned out, thanks largely to Walgreens and Express Scripts  making nice in July. That leaves Rite Aid as the health and pharmacy sector’s zombie, nourished by whatever it can bite off of Walgreens and CVS but slowly starving to death. Buying someone a “gift” card to a Rite Aid is like buying them a ticket to a dim florescent purgatory where society’s sad refuse picks through circular bins of pantyhose in plastic eggs and wanders aimlessly through tight, dark aisles stacked with metal shelving that’s been in place since the Reagan years.

Rite Aid’s gift card is similarly depressing. You can’t buy it online, you can’t use it online, the expiration date is a mystery, it can’t be consolidated with another gift card when the balance gets low and it can’t be redeemed for cash unless state law requires it.

Dippin’ Dots
We freaked out when we saw this on ScripSmart’s list for several reasons:

1. Dippin’ Dots have gift cards: Seriously, the f’n “Ice Cream of the Future” that’s you’ve walked by in multiplex lobbies and major league stadium concourses myriad times en route to a snack you stood a chance of identifying on sight. These things have been around 25 years, have billed themselves as a futuristic snack that whole time, went into bankruptcy and, somehow, still think they have a following that warrants a $5 to $500(!) gift card. The hubris.

2. Dippin’ Dots are still around: As we’ve mentioned, this product has spent a quarter-century billing itself as the ice cream of the future. Yet not only does ice cream still exists, but various incarnations of it have appeared and thrived on Dippin’ Dots’ watch. A year after Dippin’ Dots came out, then-president Ronald Reagan named its founders U.S. Small Businesspersons of the Year. That same year, a couple in Tempe, Ariz., opened up an ice cream shop with smooth, high butterfat ice cream that they put on a cold granite stone and mixed with various ingredients.

By 2000, Ben & Jerry’s had been sold to Unilever and distributed worldwide. That Tempe shop became Cold Stone Creamery and expanded to more than 1,400 shops worldwide. Dippin’ Dots, meanwhile, never patented its liquid nitrogen flash-freezing technology, had it used by competitors and eventually filed for bankruptcy last year. That’s only noteworthy because:

3. Somebody actually cared enough to save Dippin’ Dots: There was somebody out there in this great land of ours who not only had a soft spot for the Paducah, Ky.-based company, but thought there was still a legitimate business opportunity behind it. Mark and Scott Fisher, the father-and-son duo who founded Oklahoma-based Chaparral Energy, bought Dippin’ Dots last year and made plans to expand sales to more locations. (So there’s plenty of hope for Hostess.)

Good luck, Fishers. It’s wonderful someone’s giving a new generations the same chance to ignore Dippin’ Dots as their movie going and game-watching forbears.

YUP! Thar’ she be! 4th tier 8th & 9th from the left!

 

The Top 5 Signs the Bad Economy Has Hit Santa’s North Pole Workshop

5> Chocolate smudges on just about every gift, thanks to work outsourced to low-wage Keebler elves.
4> Every lunch at the North Pole cafeteria is venison.
3> Not only did Santa eat the cookies and milk you left for him, he also emptied your fridge, stole your TV, and rifled through Dad’s wallet and Mom’s jewelry box.
2> Those “Lincoln Logs” look suspiciously like elf turds.

and HumorLabs.com’s Number 1 Sign the Bad Economy Has Hit Santa’s North Pole Workshop…

1> Santa’s now threatening to add an “Obamacare surcharge” to each delivery.
[ Copyright 2012 by Chris White/HumorLabs.com ]

“Sal Monella” tells the story of Twas The Night Before Christmas

A New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Boys of Omerta traditional holiday favorite. 

 

See?! I TOLD YOU “Yo! Jingle THIS!” was a traditional holiday greeting!

Christmas at your own home.

This is amazing, if you have not seen it before just type in your address or any family addresses

and look through the window at the snow falling on your home today.

It’s amazing!!!!

Click below to get something for Christmas you won’t get anywhere else this winter.

http://www.pusher.com.au/clients/pusher-christmas-2011

 

 

You know you got to feel for Santa, on Christmas night he will visit (best guess by ‘Santa experts’) 1,675,000,000 homes (households, families, dwellings where a group of people share their food and roof) on the planet. One Billion Six Hundred Seventy Five Million dwellings. Lets say that 10% of those houses still follow the custom of leaving out a plate of milk and cookies for the poor guy, that’s 1.675 million plates of cookies he’s going to be faced with! How many of any one kind can he eat before he starts Grinching at the sight of another?

Following that logic, an offering of rare different and/or unusual cookies would be a welcome thing by Santa right? Maybe make him leave something extra special under the tree for you? With that thought in mind here’s a couple cookie recipes and a good anytime cake recipe that should have Santa saying ‘Thank You…Thank You Very Much!’ as he hums “Blue Christmas”  and slips a little something extra special into your stocking this Christmas.

The Elvis: Peanut Butter, Banana and Bacon Chocolate Chip Cookies

Elvis Presley had a knack for making people swoon, and so does the flavor combination in this thick, sturdy cookie. It seems so wrong yet tastes so right: bacon, peanuts, chocolate and banana chips. It’s unforgettable.

Total Time:  13 hr 10 min

Prep:  30 min

Inactive Prep:  12 hr 0 min

Cook:  40 min

Level:  —

Yield:  about 24 cookie cups

Ingredients

• 10 slices bacon
• 2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 1/4 teaspoon baking soda
• 3/4 teaspoon salt
• 2 sticks (8 ounces) unsalted butter, softened
• 1/4 cup mayonnaise
• 3/4 cup granulated sugar
• 3/4 cup packed light brown sugar

• 2 large eggs
• 2 tablespoons creamy peanut butter
• 2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
• 3/4 cup semisweet chocolate chunks
• 1/2 cup chopped salted peanuts
• 1/2 cup sweet dried banana chips, roughly chopped

Directions

Cook the bacon in a skillet until crisp, then drain on paper towels. Once the bacon is cool, roughly chop it (you should have about 1/2 cup).
Combine the flour, baking soda and salt in a medium bowl. In a large bowl, beat the butter, mayonnaise and sugars with a mixer at medium speed until fluffy, about 3 minutes. Beat in the eggs, one at a time, until well blended. Add the peanut butter and vanilla and beat until combined.
At low speed, add the flour mixture in batches, beating until just combined. Using a wooden spoon, stir in the chocolate chunks, bacon, peanuts and banana chips. Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and chill for at least 30 minutes or overnight.
Position the racks in the upper and lower thirds of the oven and preheat the oven to 325 degrees F. Line 2 muffin tins with paper liners.
Fill the muffin tins about halfway full with the batter (a 2-inch, 2-ounce ice cream scoop gives you just about the perfect amount, and helps prevent spilling).
Bake until the tops are slightly golden and a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean, about 30 minutes. (Keep in mind that the cookies won’t rise and form a dome like a cupcake.) Let cool in the muffin tins on wire racks for about 10 minutes, then unmold the cookie cups and transfer them to the racks to cool completely.

Cook’s Notes: The mayonnaise in this recipe makes these cookies especially tender.

Elvis-Inspired Cookie Cups

Total Time:   4 hr 15 min

Prep:   45 min

Inactive Prep:   2 hr 50 min

Cook:   40 min

Level:   Intermediate

Yield: 5 dozen mini cookie cups

Ingredients

• Basic Dough:
• 14.5 ounces unbleached all-purpose (10-percent protein) flour (3 2/3 cups)
• 1 tablespoon cornstarch
• 1 teaspoon fine salt
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 7.5 ounces light brown sugar (1 cup packed)
• 6 ounces granulated sugar (3/4 cup)
• 1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, melted and cooled
• 1 large egg
• 2 large egg yolks
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract

• Add-ins:
• 1 pound bacon, cooked, drained
• 1 (6oz.) bag dried banana chips, finely chopped (2 cups)
• Filling:
• 1/4 cup honey
• 1 (10oz.) bag peanut butter chips
• 1/2 cup heavy cream
• 1 tablespoon unsalted butter
• 1 tablespoon corn syrup

Directions

In large bowl, whisk together flour, cornstarch, salt, baking powder, and baking soda until well combined; set aside.
In a separate large bowl, beat together brown sugar, granulated sugar, and butter with an electric mixer on medium speed until well combined, 2 to 3 minutes. Add the whole egg, egg yolks and vanilla, and beat until well combined.
Beat flour mixture into wet mixture until combined. Finely chop about three-quarters of the bacon and stir into the dough with the banana chips. Reserve the remaining cooked bacon. Cover dough and refrigerate 2 to 3 hours, or overnight, or up to 2 to 3 days. Let it sit at room temperature until slightly softened.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Fill the cups in lightly greased mini-muffin pans about three-quarters full, a level tablespoon. Press dough down to cover bottom of cup. Bake for 15 to 20 minutes or until deep golden brown. While still warm, use handle of wooden spoon or the back of a spoon to create cavities in each cookie. Cool the cookies in the pans and then transfer to a wire rack.

Drizzle honey in cavities of each cookie.
Meanwhile, place peanut butter chips, cream, butter, and corn syrup in microwave-safe bowl. Microwave on high for 30-second intervals, stirring after each interval, until mixture is smooth. Spoon peanut butter mixture into cavities of each cookie and top with a small piece of reserved cooked bacon for garnish. Cool completely until peanut butter mixture is set.
Cook’s Notes: I strongly suggest refrigerating the dough for best results and not baking right away. You can make a big batch of the basic dough then use it for other upcoming recipes. I like to place the bacon and banana chips in a food processor and process for just a few seconds to chop everything.
You can substitute any type of chips for the peanut butter chips. I do not suggest substituting margarine for butter, whole eggs for the egg yolks or bananas for the banana chips. Results will vary a lot the more you substitute.

© 2012 Cooking Channel, LLC, All Rights Reserved.

Teddie’s Apple Cake

Adapted very slightly from The New York Times, Jean Hewitt, and Teddie

 

Serves 8

Butter for greasing pan
3 cups flour, plus more for dusting pan
1 1/2 cup vegetable oil
2 cups sugar
3 eggs
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon vanilla
3 cups peeled, cored, and thickly sliced tart apples like Honeycrisp or Granny Smith
1 cup chopped walnuts
1 cup raisins
Vanilla ice cream (optional)

1. Preheat oven to 350°F. Butter and flour a 9-inch tube pan. Beat the oil and sugar together in a mixer (fitted with a paddle attachment) while assembling the remaining ingredients. After about 5 minutes, add the eggs and beat until the mixture is creamy.

2. Sift together 3 cups of flour, the salt, cinnamon and baking soda. Stir into the batter. Add the vanilla, apples, walnuts and raisins and stir until combined.

3. Transfer the mixture to the prepared pan. Bake for 1 hour and 15 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Cool in the pan before lifting out. Serve at room temperature with vanilla ice cream or whipped cream, if desired.

A nice dollop of Whipped Cream (I used Dream Whip, and Heavy Cream thinned with Bailey’s Irish Creamer to whipping cream consistency) really makes this dessert stand out!

 

Merry Christmas Impish- I hope you don’t mind I was a little short on red velvet and faux fur wrapping for your gifts!

These ladies are my present to me Impish HANDS OFF! 

Recently in Galveston, known for its Christmas festivities such as ‘Dickens on the Strand’ where Charles Dickens’ ‘A Christmas Carol’  portrait of Victorian Christmas literally comes to life every for weeks on end, there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed  great skill and talent had gone into creating it.

One small feature  bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets.  Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a “QuickiMart” on our way out of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!” I assured her that while I  I did, I simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible much less relating to the Nativity story.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages,  finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said “See, it says right here,  ‘The three wise man came from afar.'”

A few days before Christmas, two young brothers were spending the night at their grandparent’s house. When it was time to go to bed, and anxious to do the right thing, they both knelt down to say their prayers.
Suddenly, the younger one began to do so in a very loud voice.
“Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a play-station, a mountain-bike and a telescope.”
His older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”
“I know” he replied, “But Grandma is!”

 

You Better be Good

Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.
Sarah’s parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn’t like it when children fight. This had little impact.
“I’ll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior,” the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah’s eyes grew big as her mother asked “Mrs. Claus” (really Sarah’s aunt; Santa’s real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah’s mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah’s uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.
Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa’s remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, “What did Santa say to you, dear?”
In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, “Santa said he won’t be bringing toys to my sister this year.”

 

 

A Mayan Calendar  Limerick

The Mayans say this is the last one,
So go ahead, party! Have fun!
Cause three days before
Santa’s due at your door,
The world will be roasted well-done.

 

The Mayan calendar ends on Dec. 21, 2012, and some people are not taking this lightly. Panic is setting in, as seen in the many reports that believers of the Mayan calendar 2012 doomsday theory are preparing for the apocalypse. Believers in France are getting ready to converge on a mountain where they think aliens will come and rescue them. Americans are running out and buying guns, supplies and survival shelters, according to The Telegraph on Friday, Dec. 7, 2012.

Dec. 21, marks the conclusion of the 5,125-year “Long Count” Mayan calendar and as the days get closer retailers are seeing people buying all kinds of survival supplies from food to candles, but that’s not all, “an explosion in sales of survival shelters” are reported in America, according to the Telegraph.

Ron Hubbard, a U.S. manufacturer of hi-tech underground survival shelters, “has seen his business explode” ahead of the Dec. 21 doomsday date. The precise way that doomsday is expected to unfold is vague, but there are plenty of theories out there describing what the world will experience when it does.

The theories vary greatly with some of them far-fetched like, a catastrophic collision between Earth and the planet Nibiru, which is a mythical planet that is also known as Planet X. Another theory has Earth in line for a disastrous crash with a comet and yet another calls for the annihilation of civilization by a giant solar storm.

This is not a new fad just taken up by worry-warts in the last year, some have been preparing for this day for years. People have elaborated self-sustaining doomsday shelters that can house large families for years if need be. Some of these shelters have all the luxuries of home, as seen in the video above.

The panic seen in China was traced to their version of Twitter where a post reports the world will experience three days of darkness when the apocalypse arrives. NASA has not stayed dormant, they are trying to reassure everyone that the planet Nibiru doesn’t exist and if it was hiding behind the sun, as the theory suggests, they would be aware of it by now. NASA would have seen this mythical Planet X a long time ago.

NASA also dispels the apocalyptic theory that the earth’s magnetic poles will suddenly flip along with the theory describing the unusual alignment of the planets that will cause doomsday.

No matter what NASA is saying to calm the worry in people, it is not doing much for the die-hard believers concerned about doomsday ringing in. Doomsday believers predict that on Dec. 21, 2012, life as the world knows it today will never be the same, if there’s life at all after the apocalypse.

This hasn’t put a damper in holiday sales this year, but even people that don’t believe in this doomsday event will probably have some fleeting thoughts of the possibilities when the date of Dec. 21, 2012, rolls around.

–==++ The Mayan Calendar Speaks ++==–

WARNING: Apocalypse in Calendar is closer than it may appear.

Montezuma’s Revenge? LMFAO! You people *slay* Mayan Calendar!

More bad news, Jaguars fans — your team won’t get to use
that #1 draft pick.

Wanna see a cool trick? Leave a 50-ton bag of unpopped popcorn
in your back yard the night of December 20.

Mayan Calendar predicts the top item at the 2013 Consumer
Electronics Show will be… shortwave radio!

The Bible had a plague of frogs. Mayan Calendar will not be
outdone. Rhinoceroses, anyone?

Don’t bother checking Facebook on December 21, 2012; everyone’s
status will be the same: “…is melting in excruciating flames!”

On 12/21/12, a drunken Justin Beiber will meet his demise after
starting a fire blaze in a Detroit brothel — but thanks to
Mayan Calendar, you’ll never see your daughter cry about it.

Apparently Santa is Zombie ready!

 

Fun Christmas song quizzes

One thing you notice around Christmas is the music. Personally, I love Christmas music, and playing name that tune. You might think you know your Christmas music – from Frosty the Snowman all the way to Deck the Halls. But how well do you know the less popular ones? Find out with these fun Christmas song quizzes.

The first quiz has you finishing Christmas song titles based on the first few words. Two of the titles have asterisks next to them. That means the answer is the song’s subtitle.

The second quiz is the opposite. You have the last few words of the song title and you need to fill in the beginning.

The last quiz is only for the most Christmas-music savvy. You have to name the songs based on the second verse! Good luck with that

sporcle.com

sporcle.com/games/LTH/making-a-list

sporcle.com/games/g/christmas_carols

[Courtesy Kim Kommando Newsletter]

I’m sure you’re all busy with last minute Mayan calendar 2012 doomsday Christmas gift hunting and preparations so I’m not going to go with that much of a Parting Shot Today. Also since I’m sure Impish will have something to say on the subject prior to Christmas, should we survive the Mayans running out of calendar I need not be lengthy either, as I’m still stuff into my hidden survival shelter mansion/fortress so I’ll just offer you these Irish Prayers for Christmas on behalf of both Impish and meself:

 

The Light of the Christmas Star to you.
The Warmth of Home and Hearth to you.
The Cheer and Goodwill of Friends to you.
The Love of the Son and God’s Peace be unto you.

 May God Bless Your Christmas with Love and Health.
For these are the true measures of Joy, Peace & Wealth

Last but definitely not least I just at 10:30 CST Last night received this from my sister and was compelled to pull the issue back and add this in memory of the Newtown Children. I added the graphics and the song.

Will tug at your heart …have a Kleenex handy

Twas’ 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38
when 20 beautiful children stormed through heaven’s gate.
Their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air.

They could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there.
they were filled with such joy, they didn’t know what to say.
They remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that day.

“Where are we?” asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.
“This is heaven.” declared a small boy. “we’re spending Christmas at God’s house.”

When what to their wondering eyes did appear,
but Jesus, their savior, the children gathered near.
He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same.
then He opened His arms and He called them by name.

In that moment was joy, that only heaven can bring
those children all flew into the arms of their King
and as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,
one small girl turned and looked at Jesus’ face.

As if He could read all the questions she had
He gently whispered to her, “I’ll take care of mom and dad.”
then He looked down on earth, the world far below
He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe.

Then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,
“Let My power and presence re-enter this land!”
“May this country be delivered from the hands of fools”
“I’m taking back my nation. I’m taking back my schools!”

Then He and the children stood up without a sound.
“Come now my children, let me show you around.”
Excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran.
all displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.

And i heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,
“in the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT.”

‘lest we ever forget them

See you on the other side…maybe…hopefully and above all- don’t let the Zombies bite!

Good Morning Campers.  Although I’m not sure how good of a morning it really is.  Evil has once again lanced the heart of our country.  Headlines reveal the horror and tragedy of children being shot in their school

Gunman kills 20 children, 6 adults at Connecticut elementary school

The horror.  The absolute evilness of this evil doing…Twenty-seven people, including 20 children, were killed Friday when a gunman clad in black military gear opened fire inside his mother’s kindergarten class at a Connecticut elementary school.
I am at a loss to try and even fathom the anguish the parents, friends, neighbors, family and loved ones must be going through.  What the hell is wrong with us that a 20 year-old member of our society can commit such an atrocity?

I know that I  am not explaining this very well.  I have been trying for the better part of 3 hours to comment on this situation and have been unable to come up with anything other than my own horror and confusion.

These were kindergarten children!

5 year-olds!

Children who could’ve done nothing, NOTHING, to warrant such treatment!  If this coward was upset with his mother (whom he also killed) and needed to show this emotion by killing the children of her class, I’m speechless.

I met my own daughter, 5th grade and 11 years-old, at her bus stop and hugged her and cried.  Of course she had no idea what was going on and thought her poor old dad had finally gone over the deep end.  I’m sure she was convinced it was going to happen sooner or later, anyway.  After we were home (10+ hugs later), her mom and I tried to explain what happened and why dad and mom were hugging her so hard and so often.  Thankfully, she didn’t really get it.
I hope and pray that it is a good long time before she does.

We need to laugh.  Not that it will help very much, but it is what we’ve contracted to do and by goodness, that’s what we are going to do.  So…

Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”
“He’s an idiot,” Bob said. “Piss on him!” “You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”
“Well, scr.w him!” said Bob. “I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.  He grew up big, 6′ 2″, strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang.  He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man’s last interview. The Chief Deputy said, “You’re a big strong kid and you can really shoot.  So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an “Attitude Suitability Test”, that you must take before you can be accepted.  We just don’t let anyone carry our badge, son.”

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said,  “Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
six illegal aliens,
six lawyers,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six Democrats,
and a rabbit.”

“Why the rabbit?” queried the applicant.

“You pass,” said the Chief Deputy.  “When can you start?”

So, I think I told you about the carving my award-winning father made for Mrs. Dragon and I for Christmas and that my daughter’s reaction was that he should’ve made Hello Kitty for her.  Well, this came in the mail today…

That’s right!  It’s a little, hand carved Hello Kitty on a marble stand.
My dad is so cool!
Thanks Dad!  You made her day!

Let’s talk to kids about….marriage!

1. WHO SHOULD YOU MARRY?
-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
— Alan, age 10
-No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
— Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
— Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
— Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids.
— Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
— Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
— Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they’re rich.
— Pam, age 7
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
– – Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
– – Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
— Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
— Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is…….
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
— Ricky, age 10

I love Christmas lights.
They remind me of the people who voted for Obama.

They all hang together; half of them don’t  work, and the ones that do, aren’t all that bright!

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

* *

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them.

Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play

with.*

Merry Christmas,*

Santa Claus

* *

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jab at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

* *

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

* *

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

* *

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

* *

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.

Timmy

* *

Timmy,

That’s what I thought you little bastard.

Santa

Here is a little bit of Christmas folklore that not many people know about.  Have you ever wondered where some of the traditions that we have come from?  I know that I have.  So here is a bit of a story, that is passed down in the dragon family.  My dad wrote and reminded me about it.  Ill try and share more dragon family stories as they come up…

A Little Christmas Story –

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not
produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the
reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two
others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards
cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and
a shot of rum.  When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves
had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.  In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass
pieces all over the kitchen floor.  He went to get the broom and found the mice
had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked

it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa.  Isn’t
this a lovely day?  I have a beautiful tree for you.  Where would you
like me to stick it?’

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk.

The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk.

The two decided that maybe they both should walk.  Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride.

The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride. They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal.

The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.  As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip
on the animal he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story: If you try to please  everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

This one is super!  One of the best light shows ever.

Here is a great and scary article from our dear friend Kim Komando called

Unfortunate Truths about Child Pornography and the Internet

Very interesting.  A well worthwhile read. 


Holiday Eating Tips:

1.  Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls. 

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas! 

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. 

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. 

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello? 

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog. 

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again. 

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day? 

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. 

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Wow, what a poem!!!  Read it with a tissue close.

Dedicated to all military troops everywhere.

THE SANDS OF CHRISTMAS

I had no Christmas spirit
when I breathed a weary sigh,
And looked across the table
where the bills were piled too high.

The laundry wasn’t finished
and the car I had to fix,
My stocks were down another point,
the Chargers lost by six.

And so with only minutes
till my son got home from school
I gave up on the drudgery
and grabbed a wooden stool. 

The burdens that I carried
were about all I could take,
And so I flipped the TV on
to catch a little break.

I came upon a desert scene
in shades of tan and rust,
No snowflakes hung upon the wind,
just clouds of swirling dust.

And where the reindeer should have stood
before a laden sleigh,
Eight Humvees ran a column
right behind an M1A.

A group of boys walked past the tank,
not one was past his teens
Their eyes were hard as polished flint,
their faces drawn and lean.

They walked the street in armor
with their rifles shouldered tight,
Their dearest wish for Christmas,
just to have a silent night.

Other soldiers gathered,
hunkered down against the wind,
To share a scrap of mail
and dreams of going home again.

There wasn’t much at all
to put their lonely hearts at ease,
They had no Christmas turkey,
just a pack of MREs.

They didn’t have a garland
or a stocking I could see,
They didn’t need an ornament –
they lacked a Christmas tree.

They didn’t have a present
even though it was tradition,
The only boxes I could see
were labeled “ammunition.”

I felt a little tug
and found my son now by my side,
He asked me what it was I feared,
and why it was I cried.

I swept him up into my arms
and held him oh so near
And kissed him on the forehead
as I whispered in his ear.

“There’s nothing wrong, my little son,
for safe we sleep tonight
Our heroes stand on foreign land
to give us all the right.

To worry on the things in life
that mean nothing at all,
Instead of wondering if we
will be the next to fall.”

He looked at me as children do
and said, “it’s always right,
To thank the ones who help us
and perhaps that we should write.”

And so we pushed aside the bills
and sat to draft a note,
To thank the many far from home,
and this is what we wrote:

“God bless you all and keep you safe,
and speed your way back home.
Remember that we love you so,
and that you’re not alone.

The gift you give you share with all,
a present every day,
You give the gift of liberty
and that we can’t repay.”

~ Michael Marks ~

Merry Christmas and a safe New Year
to all troops so far from home!
May God bless and keep you safe.

 

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
“There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked, “Will I be acquitted?”
For some reason, wives tend to like this joke…

Today’s Last Word has to do with another really wonderful Christmas tradition: that of the Christmas tree.  This neat little article is called:
Christmas Trees From Around The World

The Capitol Christmas tree in Washington , D.C. , is decorated with 3,000 ornaments that are the handiwork of U.S. schoolchildren. Encircling evergreens in the ‘Pathway of Peace’ represent the 50 U.S. states.

The world’s largest Christmas tree display rises up the slopes of Monte Ingino outside of Gubbio, in Italy ‘s Umbria region. Composed of about 500 lights connected by 40,000 feet of wire, the ‘tree’ is a modern marvel for an ancient city

A Christmas tree befitting Tokyo ‘s nighttime neon display is projected onto the exterior of the Grand Prince Hotel Akasaka.

Illuminating the Gothic facades of Prague’s Old Town Square, and casting its glow over the manger display of the famous Christmas market, is a grand tree cut in the Sumava mountains in the southern Czech Republic.

Venice ‘s Murano Island renowned throughout the world for its quality glasswork is home to the tallest glass tree in the world. Sculpted by master glass blower Simone Cenedese, the artistic Christmas tree is a modern reflection of the holiday season.

Moscow celebrates Christmas according to the Russian Orthodox calendar on Jan. 7. For weeks beforehand, the city is alive with festivities in anticipation of Father Frost’s arrival on his magical troika with the Snow Maiden.  He and his helper deliver gifts under the New Year tree, or yolka, which is traditionally a fir.

The largest Christmas tree in Europe (more than 230 feet tall) can be found in the Pra’a do Com’rcio in Lisbon , Portugal .  Thousands of lights adorn the tree, adding to the special enchantment of the city during the holiday season.

‘Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree’: Even in its humblest attire, aglow beside a tiny chapel in Germany ‘s Karwendel mountains, a Christmas tree is a wondrous sight.

Ooh la la Galeries Lafayette! In Paris , even the Christmas trees are chic. With its monumental, baroque dome, plus 10 stories of lights and high fashion, it’s no surprise this show-stopping department store draws more visitors than the Louvre and the Eiffel Tower

In addition to the Vatican ‘s heavenly evergreen, St. Peter’s Square in Rome hosts a larger-than-life nativity scene in front of the obelisk.

The Christmas tree that greets revelers at the Puerta del Sol is dressed for a party. Madrid ‘s two-week celebration makes millionaires along with merrymakers. On Dec. 22, a lucky citizen will win El Gordo (the fat one), the world’s biggest lottery.

A token of gratitude for Britain ‘s aid during World War II, the Christmas tree in London ‘s Trafalgar Square has been the annual gift of the people of Norway since 1947.

Drink a glass of gluhwein from the holiday market at the Romer, Frankfurt ‘s city hall since 1405 and enjoy a taste of Christmas past.

Against a backdrop of tall, shadowy firs, a rainbow trio of Christmas trees lights up the night (location unknown).

There is one Christmas Carol that has always baffled me.  What in the world do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans, and especially the partridge who won’t come out of the pear tree have to do with Christmas?

This week, I found out.

From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember.

-The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.

-Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments.

-Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.-

-The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John.

-The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament.

-The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.

-Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit–Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.

-The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.

-Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit–Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.

-The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments.

-The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.

-The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles’ Creed.

So there is your history for today. This knowledge was shared with me and I found it interesting and enlightening and now I know how that strange song became a Christmas Carol…so pass it on if you wish.’

Merry Christmas Everyone

CHRISTMAS AT ARLINGTON CEMETERY

I wonder why the press hasn’t enlightened the public about it??

Arlington National Cemetery

Rest easy, sleep well my brothers.

Know the line has held, your job is done.

Rest easy, sleep well.

Others have taken up where you fell, the line has held.

Peace, peace, and farewell…

Readers may be interested to know that these wreaths — some 5,000 — are donated by the Worcester Wreath Co. of Harrington, Maine . The owner, Merrill Worcester, not only provides the wreaths, but covers the trucking expense as well. He’s done this since 1992. A wonderful guy. Also, most years, groups of Maine school kids combine an educational trip to DC with this event to help out. Making this even more remarkable is the fact that Harrington is in one of the poorest parts of the state.

Please feel free to share this with everyone on your address list. You hear too much about the bad things people do. Everyone should hear about this.  And may your own Christmas Tree bring you and your family joy and happiness this holiday season.

Cheers my friends!