Dragon Laffs #1275


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AdultGood Morning Campers!  And what a glorious morning it is, too!  It’s a balmy 45°F on this Saturday….wait…
… what? …
It’s only 45 friggin’ degrees outside right now?
Get me Mother Nature on the phone, right now!


Hi ya Momma N.  How you doin’?
Good, Good, Hey listen, I got a question, here.  Did you know that its only 45 degrees here?
Uh huh…
Yeah…
How  much gold?
He did?
Yeah, okay.  Thanks.
No, no, that’s fine.  Thanks.
Yeah, you too.  We still on for Sunday night Pinochle?  Good.  Talk to you later.

Well, it seems that Lethal Leprechaun put in a bid for a warm spell for him down in Texas and specifically paid extra for Mother Nature to pull the heat from around here to help heat up south Texas.    Ain’t he the greatest buddy ever!  He knows how I like it cold and he arranged special for me to be more comfortable…didn’t he?
He did it for me, right?
Okay, so while I ponder the plausible probability of Lethal Leprechaun Laboring while I Languish in comfort…why don’t you guys go ahead and get started without me?

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That’s a very good question Mr. Raptor….sadly, none of ush have a good answer for that.

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Sex And Good Grammar

On his 74th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.   After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation,
handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in
for.

The medicine man handed a potion to him and, with a grip on his
shoulder, warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a
teaspoonful and then say 1-2-3.”  When you do, you will become
more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform
as long as you want.”

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked,
“How do I stop the medicine from working?”  “Your partner must say

1-2-3-4″ he responded,  “but when she does, the medicine will not
work again until the next full moon.”

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join

him in the bedroom.  When she came in, he took off his clothes and said,
1-2-3!”

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.  His wife was excited and

began throwing off her clothes and then she asked “What
was the
1-2-3 for?”

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with

a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

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This seems like an awful lot of work to me

Remember, you must go to the blog site to see the videos: http://dragonlaffs.com

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This is such an excellent comparison between these two great men from the theoatmeal.com, a highly recommended website.  Here then is …

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There is much, much more to this visual.  More so than I can afford to put in here.  (Trust  me, I tried)  so, here’s the rest of it… I highly encourage you all to Check it outhttp://theoatmeal.com/comics/tesla

 

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ANSWERS OF A BRILLIANT STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% I would have given him 100%
 
 
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
 
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the  page
 
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
 
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
 
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams
 
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
 
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
 
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* it will simply become wet
 
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ??
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
 
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
 
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands
 
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a  wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already  built.
 
Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Concrete floors are very hard to crack.

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Probably my favorite video of all time

Remember, you can’t watch this in email.  You’ve got to go to http://dragonlaffs.com

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Click To Make Everything Okay

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A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
“Of course, madam,” replied the sales clerk, “exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?
The bride to be said, “A long frilly white dress with a veil.”
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time – for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?
Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?”
“Well,” replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness, “I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate.
Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honey moon hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.”
“What about your third husband?” asked the sales clerk.
“That one was a Democrat,” said the woman, “and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.”

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* Democrats don’t understand THE DEBT CEILING

* Republicans don’t understand THE DEBT CEILING

* Liberals don’t understand THE DEBT CEILING

* NO ONE understands THE DEBT CEILING

SO – Allow me to explain…

Let’s say you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood.

Your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.

What do you think you should do?  Raise the ceilings or pump out the shit?

Your choice is coming in November.  Don’t miss the opportunity.

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Really?  I’d have never guessed.

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Sure, because all of us know two days ahead of time when we’re going to be sick.

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I wonder if the school will even notice?

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Fantastic filming.  Enjoy the new technology…
3-D Without Glasses – Awesome!

 

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A woman loses both ears in an accident. A plastic surgeon she consults tells her that ear transplants are still in the testing stage, but he will do what he can. The woman undergoes the operation, and after a time she returns to the surgeon’s office to have the bandages removed and the stitches taken out.
After examining her, the doctor tells her everything seems to have gone well, and she seems pleased with his work.
The next day, however, she calls the plastic surgeon in a rage.”You know what you did?” she screams. “You gave me a man’s ears.”
“Well,” says the surgeon, “an ear is an ear. What’s wrong? Can’t you hear?”
“I hear everything,” she says. “The problem is I don’t understand anything I’m told.”

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Thought For The Day…

  The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a prostitute wanted for her services came to light.
She wanted $800.00.
The Secret Service Agent offered $30.00.
How ironic is it that the only person in Washington willing to cut spending gets fired?

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Quote from:
“Larry, the Cable Guy”
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Even after the Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people, implying with bad jokes and anecdotes, that Loozianna Cajuns ain’t smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody who would build a city 5 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats who can’t swim is a dang genius”.

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Guard dog

Houston

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So, this is one of the most incredible sights I’ve ever seen.  Remember the old nursery rhyme the Owl and the Pussycat?

The Owl and the Pussy-cat went to sea
    In a beautiful pea green boat,
They took some honey, and plenty of money,
    Wrapped up in a five pound note.
The Owl looked up to the stars above,
    And sang to a small guitar,
‘O lovely Pussy! O Pussy my love,
      What a beautiful Pussy you are,
          You are,
          You are!
What a beautiful Pussy you are!’

Well, here’s an Owl and a Pussy-Cat you are not going to believe!

http://www.wimp.com/catowl/

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Pun Queen
Thank you dear Diaman for these great puns.

The writer of these deserves ten years in the punitentiary.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
Velcro — what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

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WHY?
BECAUSE!

WHY:
Why do men’s clothes have buttons on the right while women’s clothes have buttons on the left?

BECAUSE:
When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid’s right! And that’s where women’s buttons have remained since.

WHY:
Why do ships and aircraft use ‘mayday’ as their call for help?

BECAUSE:
This comes from the French word m’aidez -meaning ‘help me’ — and is pronounced, approximately, ‘mayday.’

WHY
Why are zero scores in tennis called ‘love’?

BECAUSE:
In France , where tennis became popular, the round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called ‘l’oeuf,’ which is French for ‘the egg.’ When tennis was introduced in the US , Americans (mis)pronounced it ‘love.’


WHY:
Why do X’s at the end of a letter signify kisses?

BECAUSE:
In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

WHY:
Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called ‘passing the buck’?

A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he would ‘pass the buck’ to the next player.

WHY:
Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?

BECAUSE:
It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host’s glass with his own.


WHY:
Why are people in the public eye said to be ‘in the limelight’?

BECAUSE:
Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and theaters by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, a performer ‘in the limelight’ was the center of attention.

WHY:
Why is someone who is feeling great ‘on cloud nine’?

BECAUSE
Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

WHY:
In golf, where did the term ‘Caddie’ come from?

BECAUSE:
When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scots game ‘golf.’ He had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced ‘ca-day’ and the Scots changed it into ‘caddie.’


WHY:
Why are many coin collection jar
banks shaped like pigs?

BECAUSE:
Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called ‘pygg’. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as ‘pygg banks.’ When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

 

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and to wind up today’s issue, before we go to the Last Word, here, a soldier surprises his girl friend at a baseball game.  Get the tissues!
http://www.foxsportsmidwest.com/pages/video?videoid=ab969b56-13a2-439b-94c5-943611acbcb6&src=v5:share:sharepermalink:&from=sharepermalink 

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101 now this is good home health care
Now that’s a good health care program!

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Okay, so the nanny state is now down to city level.  This just pisses me off!

The sin-tax sheriff is back on the job.

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is proposing another ban on unhealthy foods. This time, he wants to outlaw super-sized sodas and other sugary drinks.

The first-in-the-nation ban, formally announced Thursday, would limit sweet drinks to 16 ounces at venues across the city ranging from restaurants to street carts to movie theaters — that means those extra-large cup holders at Loews are about to get awfully lonely. Since when can a politician tell a citizen what they can and cannot sell?  Is this the most important problem that New York has right now that the mayor doesn’t have anything better to do?  There are no homeless, no drug problem, no unemployment?  Come on, really!!!

The ban, though, doesn’t seem to take into account the obvious work-around. Want more than 16 ounces? Just buy two bottles. There’s no Big Apple ban on doing that — yet.

Bloomberg’s proposal hasn’t quite joined the city’s growing roster of other behavior-curbing laws like its bans on trans-fats and smoking. The Board of Health still needs to sign off on it, but according to MyFoxNY.com that’s likely to happen since the members are Bloomberg appointees.

Bloomberg said Wednesday he “thinks it’s what the public wants the mayor to do.”  I don’t think the public wants the mayor to outlaw giant drinks, I think the public wants the mayor to MIND HIS OWN DAMN BUSINESS!!!!

But residents and businesses are divided on that count.   Yeah, I’ll bet!

A spokesman for the New York City Beverage Association, Stefan Friedman, criticized the proposal as “zealous.” He said officials should seek solutions that are actually going to curb obesity.

The association said in a statement that the ban will not address obesity because “soda is not driving the obesity rates.”

Coca-Cola also released a statement arguing that the company already places calorie counts on the front of its products and that the ban is not needed.

“The people of New York City are much smarter than the New York City Health Department believes,” the statement said. “New Yorkers expect and deserve better than this. They can make their own choices about the beverages they purchase.”

One resident voiced support for the plan, telling MyFoxNY.com “sodas are really unhealthy and I don’t see any reason you need to drink 20 ounces of soda.”  and I don’t see any reason for YOU to tell ME what I can and cannot do to my own body!  I’ll bet I can still go to the liquor store and buy gallons of wine, cases of beer and fifths of hard liquor.  Ass hat!

But another noted soda addicts could just come back for refills: “A lot of people drink soda and regardless … they will be buying more, and that’s even worse.”

Conservative activists are meanwhile having a field day with the decision.

Judson Phillips, founder of Tea Party Nation, wrote on his blog Thursday that “there are a whole lot of things New Yorkers would rather King Michael be doing other than telling New Yorkers what they can or cannot drink.” Exactly!

He argued: “It is time to move the Statue of Liberty.” um…huh?

The ban, which could take effect as soon as March, would not apply to diet sodas, fruit juices, dairy-based drinks or alcoholic beverages. Nor would it include drinks sold in grocery or convenience stores. Food establishments that don’t downsize would face fines of $200. What about all the studies that show that diet drinks are even worse for us than regular sodas?  And you don’t think that a mongo-sized fruit juice is going to slam your body with frutose?  This is such a stupid, assinine law that I can’t believe that more people aren’t up in arms over it. 

Under the three-term mayor, the city has campaigned aggressively against obesity, including outlawing trans-fats in restaurant food and forcing chain restaurants to post calorie counts on menus.

The Bloomberg administration has tried other ways to make soda consumption less appealing.

The mayor supported a state tax on sodas, but the measure died in Albany, and he tried to restrict the use of food stamps to buy sodas, an idea federal regulars rejected. A sin tax on soda?  Really?  It’s not bad enough that the nannies are over taxing tobacco, alcohol and the like, they are now going after regular soda.  Please tell me that as a country, we haven’t sunk that low. 

It wasn’t bad enough that we forced McDonald’s to change the Happy Meal.  I can see advocating a healthy lifestyle and promoting healthy eating and such, but you can’t legislate free will and choice out of human beings.  God gave us free will for a reason.  Now the government, in its infinite wisdom, seems to think that they are more well informed than God.

My new bumper sticker:

God gave me free will and Mayor Bloomberg took it away.

Be well my friends. 

The Associated Press contributed to this report.

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One Response to Dragon Laffs #1275

  1. website Spamming self professed wise ass know it all says:

    You should really control the responses listed here.

    Lethal here you dumb ass spammer~

    As you can clearly see Mr. Punk Wise Ass we DO control the comments here quite well.
    Right up to and including using your own comments to make you out to be the jackass you are and
    have a decent laugh at your expense!

    Now go contemplate your navel in your shit filled diaper you Entitlement Minded Moron, you ain’t
    Occupying nothing here but the dunce cap!

    Contemptuously,

    Lethal Leprechaun
    Guardian of the Comments Gate
    Rabid Hater of Spammers
    Heir to and Improver on the Razor Sharp Acerbic Tongue of Don Rickles

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