Dragon Laffs #1276


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Adult-Content-1_thumb1_thumb_thumb_t[1]Good Morning Campers!  Today’s Dragon Laffs is being brought to you from my back yard!  Why am I not in my usual easy chair, lap top rakishly across my more than ample lap?  Because today is National Get Outdoors Day!  Everyone knows that our kids spend way too much time indoors thanks to all the new digital entertainment and toys at hand.  It’s easy for all of us to spend too much time inside.
Thankfully, the outdoors is just as great <slap at a mosquito> as it’s always <crush an ant trying to get to my donut> been.  In order to encourage <swat at a bee heading for my coffee> healthy, active behavior in kids and families, the USDA Forest Service and the American Recreation Coalition created National Get Outdoors Day.  <crush two more ants after my donut.  Looks like they are gathering more support>  June 9th (which just so happens to be today) is the fifth annual <ants are now plotting with the bees for a two-pronged attack on my breakfast> National G.O. Day, and the official website is full of ways to celebrate. <I wonder if it’s full of ways to protect yourself from the creatures who call the Outdoors home? Ouch!  Just got stung! Little bastard!  Get over…> You’ll find all the National Parks with G.O. Day festivities, <aha!  Bug spray ought to do the trick> as well as links to <Damn!  My eyes!  My eyes!> tons of outdoor information.
I whole heartedly encourage <Oh bullshit!  I’m going back inside where it’s safe!> you to get outside with your family this summer.
<slamming of the back door>

Okay, let’s get on with the laughter, shall we?

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This one goes really well with last weeks Last Word…

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Here is a small gathering of Irish Jokes, sent in by our dear camper K² (Yes, I did just throw him under the bus, you don’t think that I’m gonna be run over alone if I can avoid it, do you?) although he does throw a nice little disclaimer right in the front…

Irish jokes are simple……so the English, Welsh and Scots can understand them!!


AH, THE IRISH!!!

Paddy says to Mick,  “Christmas is on a Friday this year”… Mick says “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick: “What if one explodes before we get there?Paddy: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him.  “Did you find the shampoo?”  Paddy says, “yes but it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.”

 

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy” he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to me”. Paddy says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND “.
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.

“No”, shouts Paddy, “this is her husband!” 

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says “For gods sake Paddy, that’s your air freshener swinging about!”
An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolable. His wife says “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?”
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. “What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks. “Here boy” he replies.

 

Paddy’s in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. “What the hell you doing?” he asks. “Hanging myself” Paddy replies.

“It should be around your neck” says the Guard. 
“I know” says Paddy “but I couldn’t  breathe.An answer I can understand. An American tourist asks an Irishman:  “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the Irishman replies: “If they fell forwards, they’d still be in the bloody boat.”


Joe says to Paddy: “Close your curtains the next time you’re kissing your wife.  The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”  Paddy says: “Well the joke’s on them stupid lotbecause I wasn’t even at home yesterday.” 

Paddy says to Mick – I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I’m going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.  Mick asks – So what are you going to do this year?  Paddy replies, –  I’ll take her with me!

Look out for that bloody bus!!!

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Wine taster…At a wine merchant’s, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunken Impish Dragon with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send the dragon away without having the whole place burned to the ground.
So, taking a chance, he gave the blotto dragon a glass to drink.
Our intoxicated hero tried it and said, “It’s a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.  It’s low grade, but definitely acceptable.
“That’s correct”, said the boss.
 
Another glass….
“It’s a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”
“Correct.”
 
A third glass…
 ”It’s a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,” calmly said the drunk dragon.
The director was astonished, to say the least.
 
Then he had a wicked idea and he winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
 The alcoholic Impish Dragon tried it.
 
“It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant – and if I don’t get the job, I’ll name the father.”

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The federal government says that companies can not
claim high fructose corn syrup as “sugar”. Apparently
food processors were looking back to the good old days
when the Reagan Administration let them call ketchup
a vegetable.

 

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How many times have we heard complaints from people about TSA checking ridiculous people in lines at airports.  What do I mean by ridiculous?  Like babies, nuns, and little old ladies.  What possible harm could a little old lady do?  Say, some little old lady in her 90s…

Well…

How about this little old lady?
2l
Here you have a 94-year-old Mexican national, just simply on her way to visit her friends and relatives across the International border in Arizona.  She might be passing through the port of entry at Nogales, Arizona, several days per week!
2m
What the heck, grandma? You’re 94 years old!
Oh, come on!  What could this poor little Mexican Grandma do?
Well butter my biscuit and call me Barney, What’s all that padded stuff affixed to her body beneath her dress?  Holy cow, could that be some sort of “contraband”?
2n
Why, it’s almost 10 ½ pounds of marijuana, strapped to her spindly old body!  Grandma!  How could you?!
2o
Aww, come on…Can we blame her?  After all, she’s probably just supplementing her U.S. Social Security check that she picks up monthly at her Post Office Box on the American side of the border.
You know, this may be a rare case, but it is happening!
2p
And we can’t help but wonder how many of these trips grandma has already made across the border…toting 10 lbs of marijuana each time?
Yeah, and you know what?  Don’t expect to have the media tell you about this one…they’re too busy backing the democrats plans to increase their voter base by giving all these illegals free passes to the breakfast buffet in return for their ballots in November.

If this shit doesn’t piss you off, are you even awake?

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Awful

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Quote

“I think this whole idea of “burping” your Tupperware is silly.  Personally, I’m waiting for Tupperware I can fart.” ~ Lethal Leprechaun, 5 Jun 2012.

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Wednesday was the 68th Anniversary of D-Day, the start of the Allied invasion of Europe during World War II.  The Leprechaun and I discussed how we should address this and he brought up a very good point, that you can pretty much pick out any day of any week and have it be a significant day in history for some reason or another. 

The easiest way to show the veracity of this statement is to go to Wikipedia and type in a month and a day (example: June 09) and you will get several dozens of things that happened in history on that date… (45 Events and more than twice that many birthdays for today’s date, 9 June.  From 53 BC Roman Emperor Nero Marries Claudia Octavia, 9 years later in 62 BC, Claudia Octavia is executed and six years after that in 68 BC, Nero commits suicide.  All the way to 1944: World War II 99 civilians are hung from lampposts and balconies by German troops in Tulle, France in reprisal for maquisards attacks, ending with 2008 in the town of Lake Delton, Wisconsin, Lake Delton drains as a result of heavy flooding breaking the dam holding the lake back.) 

We all know that some events are more significant than others, such as the debut of Underdog (October 3, 1964) to the first detonation of an atomic weapon (codenamed Trinity on July 16, 1945) to…well…you get the picture. 

Each of us would consider certain events more or less significant than just about every other person on the face of the earth.  The reason we, at Dragon and Leprechaun Laffs Electronic Media, LLP (DLLEM: could be pronounced delirium) chose to remember certain days and not others is our own personal choice (or our own lousy memories in the case of things being left out). 

This date in history…the beginning of the Allied Invasion of Europe during WWII… is when the worm turned and the good guys finally started kicking some ass.  So, cheer for the good guys, remember the fallen, and press on with pride and perhaps, you too will do something that future generations will look back on and say, “Hey, did you know that today is the 207th anniversary of the day that Impish Dragon blathered on about nothing?”  Now there’s an anniversary that can be celebrated on just about any day of the year.

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Okay, I gotta put this in here…as someone who plays with this stuff for a living, I have to say that the description is actually quite good.
Let’s see…

Japanese nuclear agency apologizes after comparing radiation to angry wife

TOKAIMURA, Japan — A Japanese nuclear research agency apologized after comparing the behavior of radioactive material to an angry wife during an argument with her husband.

The Japan Atomic Energy Agency, located in Tokaimura, central Japan, removed the page from its website after a public outcry over the comparison, Kyodo News reported.

It was using the analogy to explain the difference between radioactive material, radioactivity and radiation.

“Wife’s screaming to her husband can be compared to radiation, her agitated state to radioactivity and the wife herself to radioactive material,” it said.  (Okay, maybe it’s just me, but that’s a pretty accurate analogy…don’t you think?)

A cached version of the page revealed that the agency wanted to provide easy-to-understand information — especially to women, because they had a “lower level of understanding of nuclear power.”

An agency official told Yomiuri Shimbun newspaper, “We would like to apologize for creating unpleasant feelings.”



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Okay, so how about a few charts to help us make up our minds (for those of you who still have minds left to make up)

(Okay, so that didn’t really come out the way I intended…how about for those of you who still haven’t minds that are made…um…up…um… no, better and betterthat’s not right either…)

Okay, so if you still  haven’t made up your mind on who to vote for this November, how about a couple of charts to see things the way they are…
(That was not really better)2b
Pretty self explanatory…run-away unemployment

2c
Okay, a teeny bit harder to interpret, but still not that hard.  How serious are we in losing dependence on foreign oil???  Hmm, by that last one, I’d say not very!

2d
Well, for those anti-Obamaites out there, I’d say to really prove your point you should’ve shown more than just the last 4 years.  Sure, he’s increased the National Debt to astronomical levels, but the guys that came before him did it too.  Maybe not to his level, but this chart doesn’t show that…useless visual aid.

2e
Okay, now this one works a bit better as a detriment for the Obama administration.  But…an awful lot of these problems have been going on since before his reign.  My biggest gripe is that he hasn’t done anything to move any of these trends in the opposite direction, just made them all worse, and on a much grander scale than most anyone else.

2f
This is  just out of control.  Remember the last slide?  The one that says that 47% of Americans are receiving some sort of support check monthly?  Okay, by reading that, I would almost say that that number includes military retirements (but maybe not) even so, are you telling me that basically one out of every two Americans is being supported in some way?  I’m working my ass off so someone (one individual) doesn’t have to?  Pick someone out of the crowd…if you are working for a living, that could be the guy whom you alone are supporting.  I feel like I should get his social security number so that I can at least take him off on my taxes.  Unbelievable. 

2g
This one doesn’t need any explanation except to say that it pisses me off!!!

2h
This just shows what a fucking idiot he is.  I believe they call that cronyism …

2i
so sad…2007 to 2008 were our best years. (under democratic congress) but then they dropped the ball big-time!

2j
These are all starting to make me sick.  I guess it really is that hard to get good people to do these jobs. 

2k
We’ve finally reached the end.  And this….well, this is just wrong.  I should keep my money, not be forced to give half of it away to other people.  I feel like I should call the cops for being robbed.  Geez, what a friggin’ mess they’ve gotten us in!

And I suppose all these charts and graphs and the expressing of my (God given) right of free speech has made me one of these:
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okay, so I know that I’ve heard this one before, but it is funny and this rendition is especially well written.  And it’s relatively clean.

FIRST TIME SEX

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the  pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

“Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, ‘I had no idea you were this religious.’

The boy turns, and whispers back, ‘I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.’

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Finally A well dressed Walmart shopper


What a BRAVE and well-dressed lady!!


The per person Medicare insurance premium will increase from the present monthly fee of $96.40, rising to: $104.20 in 2012; $120.20 in 2013; And $247.00 in 2014.These are provisions incorporated in the Obamacare legislation, purposely delayed so as not to ‘confuse’ the 2012 re-election campaigns. Send this to all seniors that you know, so they will know who’s throwing them under the bus.
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cool rug
Now that is one cool rug!

Ikea

iwedding

Lady gaga 2

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THE COW AND THE ICE CREAM
ONE OF THE BEST THEORIES OF WHY OBAMA WON THE ELECTION

–>>From a teacher in the Nashville area – –



“We are worried about ‘the cow’ when it is all about the ‘Ice Cream. ‘The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while teaching 3rd grade. The last Presidential election was heating up and some of the
children showed an interest.  I decided we would have an election for a classpresident. We would chooseour nominees. They would make a campaign speech and the class would vote. To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class members. Wediscussed what kinds of characteristics thesestudents should have. We got many nominations and from those,Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.
The class had done a great job in their selections. Both candidates were good kids.

I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots of parental support.

I had never seen Olivia’s mother.

The day arrived when they were to make their speeches.

Jamie went first.

He had specific ideas about how to make our class a better place.
He ended by promising to do his very best.

Everyone applauded and he sat down.

Now is was Olivia’s turn to speak.

Her speech was concise. She said, “If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream.” She sat down.

The class went wild. “Yes! Yes! We want ice cream.”

She surely would say more. She did not have to.

A discussion followed. How did she plan to pay for the ice cream? She wasn’t sure. But no one pursued that question. They took her at her word.

Would her parents buy it or would the class pay for it…She didn’t know.

The class really didn’t care. All they were thinking about was ice cream…

Jamie was forgotten. Olivia won by a landslide.

Every time Barack Obama opened his mouth he offered ice cream and 51.4 % of the people reacted like nine year olds.

They want ice cream.

The other 48.6% percent know they’re going to have to feed the cow and clean up the mess.”


Remember, the government cannot give anything to anyone that they have not first taken away from someone else.
Did you vote for the ice cream?

THAT, MY FRIEND, IS HOW OBAMA GOT ELECTED,BY THOSE WHO WANT EVERYTHING FOR FREE!

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Mitt Romney said his personal Hotmail email account was
hacked, after someone guessed the name of his favorite
pet.Okay, Mitt wants us to trust him to be the leader of the
free world and lead us through tough times, and the man
still uses Hotmail and an easy password?
GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney is making a special
appeal to Hispanic voters. He can relate to Hispanics; after
all, the maintenance guy on his car elevator is one.

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This one goes right along with our earlier Wal-Mart one…

A few days ago one of my Marine buddies sent me a ‘Viet Nam Veteran’ cap. I never had one of these before, and I was pretty hyped about it, especially since someone was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.
Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Wal-Mart.  There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world’s largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Wal-martians is always good for some comic relief.  Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment.  But, I digress…enough of my psychological fixations.
While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, “Are you a Viet Nam Vet?”
“No,” I replied.
“Then why are you wearing that cap?”
“Because I couldn’t find the one from the War of 1812.”  I thought it was a snappy retort.
“The War of 1812, huh?” the Wal-martian queried, “When was that?”
God forgive me, but I couldn’t pass up such an opportunity.
“1936,” I answered as straight-faced as possible.
He pondered my response for a moment and responded, “Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?”
“It was a Black Op.  No one is supposed to know about it.”
This was beginning to be way fun!
“Dude!  Really?” he exclaimed.  “How did you get to do something that COOOOL?”
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, “I’m not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission.”
“Dude,” he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, “that is seriously awesome!  But, didn’t you kind of stand out?”
“Not really.  The other guys were wearing white camouflage.”
The moron nodded knowingly.
“Listen man,” I said in a very serious tone, “You can’t tell anyone about this.  It’s still ‘top secret’ and I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Oh yeah?” he gave me the ‘don’t threaten me look.’
“Like, what’s gonna happen if I do?”
With a really hard look I said, “You have a family don’t you?   We wouldn’t want anything to happen to them, would we?”
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.  By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard.   I just grinned at her.
After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman.  Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction.  Giving him another ‘deadly’ serious look, I made the ‘I see you’ gesture.  He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.
What a great time!
Tomorrow I’m going back with a Homeland Security cap.
Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!

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President Obama leaked that he ordered cyber-attacks on Iran a day
after he leaked his terrorist kill list. Before that he leaked we had
a double agent in al-Qaeda. We thought when we elected a president
under sixty we wouldn’t have these urology problems.

 

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Okay, so this one really, I mean REALLY chaps my ass!  Read on dear campers, read on…

This originally comes to us from our dear friend K² both LL and I tried to find information to support it and to refute it.  Not much is out there right now.  I almost hopes it turns out to be false, but nothing I’ve found so far refutes it.

A friend from Colorado sent this to me.

Hi All,

I just wanted to pass on a little info in case some of you were not aware of this. Yesterday was the Air force Academy graduation ceremony. My friend from Texas had just arrived and we drove down the road to watch the Thunderbirds fly over after the ceremony was finished. Most of you know Pres. Obama spoke at the ceremony and handed out the diploma’s. When this finished it was time for the Thunderbirds to fly-over. There was one fly-over then they disappeared. A man standing by me called a friend at Peterson Field and found out that the fly-over was halted because Obama wanted to leave. A helicopter soon appeared and flew around in a circular pattern above where we were – basically doing reconnesance as Obama’s motor-cade was exiting the Air Force Academy. He was going to Denver to do some more campaigning since Colorado is a swing state. After he left the Thunderbirds came back and continued the show for the graduates. Think about this. Obama comes to a graduation, speaks etc. then decides to leave before the Thunderbirds can complete their fly-over. They had to fly around, & waste fuel. Thousands of people – the graduating cadets, parents, friends, observers in the vicinity parked in lots waiting to see them fly, inconvenienced, so Obama – his “highness’ could leave to go campaign in Denver! How disrespectful of EVERYONE in attendance. It would have taken only about 20-30 minutes more time to stay until the fly-over was finished thereby honoring the graduates, Thunderbirds and the military in general. However, this narcissistic disgrace of a ‘Commander -in-Chief” had to inconvenience everyone and leave interrupting the ceremony fly-over because everything is about him. I was disgusted by this and so was everyone else standing around near us. I hope this info gets passed on so others can learn how disrespectful this Pres. is toward the military. Not too many who witnessed this will be voting for him.

Okay, let’s think about this … it does sound like something he would do, since he did something very similar here when he went to Kokomo.  Making thousands of people wait for hours so he doesn’t have to wait 20 minutes is beyond the pale.  This is reason enough to vote for someone who has a bit more courtesy and a lot less arrogance.

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