As you arrive at DL/LL Digital Media HQ you’re greeted by the normal orderly hustle and bustle associated with arriving anytime there is a prolonged celebration of a holiday with the Party Mountain accommodating overnight or longer guests. Things do perhaps have a bit more of a festive air about them this being Christmas and all.

CyberLethals are attired to appear as Irish Nutcrackers, iLethals zip about to and fro looking like candy canes on wheels. Even the staff are all dressed up as Santa’s elves, its either that of Lethal has somehow managed to con Santa out of two dozen elves on his busiest day of the year. Lethal seems to be attired in his normal manner abet he is sporting

Mistletoe in his top hat hat band and a holly and balsam buttoner. Even his ever present shillelagh is wrapped with grren and gold tinsel garland. Still he seems to glance about at the balmy weather and grimace often.

Your ushered in side and practically herded up to the Conference room level where the sights sounds and smells of Christmas overwhelm you the moment the elevator doors open. The scents from balsam, fir, hot fresh sugar cookies, still warm ginger bread, peppermint in the form of candy canes thicker around than your thumb all compete for your attention along with the most fantastic 2 other scents. Lethal has opened his hoard of Brown Gold for the occasion and the scent of this caffeinated nectar of Leprechauns (well one leprechaun anyway) competes with another mouth watering scent, his famous Adults Only Holiday Hot Chocolate.

It’s rumored that the recipe is so closely guarded that even the Head Chef doesn’t have it in it’s entirety. Legend has it that it contains 2 kinds of chocolate, three different liqueurs and is (as described by Diaman) almost a sexual experience in the partaking of. In fact both Diaman and Ginny have practically mowed down anyone between them and the cups of hot chocolate and are now involved in a near symphony of provocative moaning and quivering in between very large sips.

Once the mill about has died down and you’ve all found your consumables of choice and seats Lethal begins:

“I’m going to make this very fast because we’ve grave concerns over the server handling todays issue maintaining containment and not suffering a melt down the issue is so overly full.

If your staying for the holiday with us on the mountain- welcome. Check out is by noon sharp Monday or you’re automatically impressed into the clean up Christmas/ set up New Years press gang.

If you are a Patron member, you’re reservations are automatically good from last night through January 2nd. Anyone, including Patrons, without prior arrangements found here after noon on January 2nd will be pressed in the cleaning crew for the duration.

Those of you planning on joining the group of us attending midnight mass at St. Peter’s Basilica at the Vatican in Rome please assemble in appropriate attire and entirely sober in the court yard not later than 4:45 PM local time to make the portal jump to the Vatican.”

Some rumbling and an alarm can be faintly heard someplace deep inside the HQ building. Lethal hurriedly concludes:

“That’s all for the announcements lets get started with the issue before something truly unfortunate happens with that server shall we?

HO! HO! HO! and away we go!”

First things first, the proprieties of the season must be observed after all.

Ok now that I’ve wished you all a proper Gaelic Merry Christmas and before we get on with the festivities, ‘tis an important matter of some weight we need to address (that weight in point of fact being estimated at several tons).

So with out further preamble since we’ve another full to bursting issue (and so as not to lose his attention span as well) let me just say…

Another year older and (we hope) wiser but not sadder. Best wishes to you my Best Bud and I really have to say you’ve nailed that Humpty Dumpty look you were shooting for!

And he hasn’t stopped proving them right since!

Happy Birthday my brother from another mother and may there be as many more as you want.

Slainte! To your health sir!

Where the temperature will be an entirely inappropriate and excessively balmy for the season 75 on Christmas. Honestly! I might as well just be in Leprechonia for all the Christmas atmosphere the weather here is providing.

That’s it! I can’t take this another year! I refuse to accept this as Christmas. You’ve all just been kidnapped. We’re off to Ireland for a proper Christmas. IF you’re good and well mannered I’ll return you to the party mountain at the end of the issue.

Holly, if you’d be so kind as to make with the farie transport dust before anyone can leave please? Oh and an extra dusting for the not so jolly rotund blue guy wearing the crumbs and remnants of an entire army of gingerbread men if you please, it takes a little extra magic to move all of him.

There! That’s more bloody like it! Cactus and Palm trees with  Christmas lights me arse!

The Irish Rovers: Must Be Santa

 

Yup, ‘tis wasting wasting no time in getting right to the Christmas Carols Department I am, but did you ever wonder if there were Carols that those “who hear/see things the rest of us can’t might hear?

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA – Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY – We Three Kings Disoriented Are.
DEMENTIA – I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas.
NARCISSISTIC – Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
MANIA – Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and and Office and Town …or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
PARANOIA – Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER – You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I’ll tell you why.
DEPRESSION – Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER – Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell… (YOU GET THE IDEA)
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE PERSONALITY – The Twelve Days of Christmas (don’t make me repeat that again)
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY – Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE – Silent Night

Sure enough! Reminds me of those movie posters for ‘Children of the Corn’ and creeps me right out!

See what I mean?  That’s one of those Illegal Mexican Christmas trees!

See how much nicer a lawfully immigrated Irish tree is?

Chances of Snow for Christmas at USA Cities

Among America’s large cities, only one has a really good chance of having a white Christmas. For most cities the odds of seeing any snow at Xmas are pretty slim.

The major urban area with the best chance of enjoying a traditional Christmas landscape is Minneapolis — St Paul Minnesota, where there’s a 74 percent probability of having at least one inch of snow on the ground. In fact, the city is likely to have three or more inches of snow.

Three other large cities are also more likely than not to have some snow around on December 25: Buffalo, Rochester and Salt Lake City. Rochester even has a fifty-fifty chance of seeing fresh snow falling at Xmas.

The table below gives the probabilities of Christmas snow for 51 US cities.

hile less than even, the odds of snow blanketing Milwaukee, Cleveland or Denver on Dec 25th are still pretty high, at 40 percent or more. For Pittsburgh, the chance of snow is nearly one in three, for Columbus about one in four and for Boston almost one in five. At New York, Cincinnati, Louisville and Baltimore, the likelihood of a snowy Xmas runs close to one in ten.

Not surprisingly, for many cities in Texas, California and Florida, there’s zero chance of a white Christmas. At a few cities, such as Las Vegas and New Orleans, snow on Dec 25 isn’t entirely impossible, but would make an astonishing event as the odds of it happening amount to much less than one percent.

Probability (%) of having Snow on the Ground of at least 1 inch deep or Snowfall of at least 0.1 inches on December 25.

Christmas 2001, the first year I was here for Christmas I managed enough fairie magic to make it (however briefly) the first white Christmas in Houston in 100 years. It was also the last white Christmas I saw. OK grumbling over (for the moment) and moving on with the list.

About the Data

The snow probabilities were calculated by the NOAA National Climatic Data Center based on weather data collected from 1981 to 2010.

These major cities represent the 51 metropolitan areas in the United States with the most people, all those with over one million residents in 2010, according to the US Census Bureau.

Irish Rovers God rest ye Merry Gentlemen

 

Some people will resort to doing anything, including apparently standing on their heads to insure they get good gifts from Santa. Me, I just get him all liquored up with the good stuff.

Colts punter shows Indianapolis the true meaning of Christmas

Indianapolis Colts punter Pat McAfee is pretty well known in the football community as an all around good guy who has some funny shenanigans on and off the field. He’s always good for a funny quote or tweet and never takes himself too seriously.

Well, it seems that McAfee also knows the true meaning of the holiday season. In a gesture that put others before himself, Pat paid the electricity bills of 115 Indianapolis families in need. It was an act of kindness that surprised many and made the holiday season that much more special for families who really needed it.

Per Fox59:

“On Friday afternoon, 58-year-old Valerie Moore got a phone call from a friend who told her someone was paying off people’s utility bills. Moore dropped everything and drove over to the IPL office.

‘All I could do was throw my hands up in the air and just give her the bill,’ said Moore.

Moore had a nearly $400 bill with a disconnection notice set for Dec. 27.

‘Money is super tight. Gas bill, light bill, rent, car, food, it’s real tight,’ said Moore.

When Moore handed the IPL employee her bill, she heard something she hasn’t heard in a long time. The employee told her she had a zero balance.

Customer after customer had their bills paid in full.

‘Two people at one time they came in together to pay their bill they stood there for about five minutes literally just crying for joy,’ said Moore.”

Good on you, Pat. Thanks for spreading the Christmas spirit.

 

So last week I might have let it slip I was giving Impish a DIY present this year, something from the heart as it were. Well once he found out I had one heck of a time keeping it hidden from him and finishing it. This is until I hit upon the idea of setting up in the Corporate gym. While he thought I was spending extra time on a tread mill making room for extra helpings of Pumpkin Pie and Irish Whiskey Cookies, I was actually hard at work on my first master piece! What do you think? Think he’ll like it?

Christmas in Killarney – The Irish Rovers

Just in case you haven’t already guessed where we wound up!

Giant 50ft Christmas tree lights up Dublin

Bring it on: Biblical conspiracy theorist says the world is ending during last days of 2016

[This couldn’t have happened earlier this year? I’d have saved a lot of money on Christmas presents! – L.L.]

A computer programmer is predicting that the world as we know it will come to a violent end in the final days of December. What’s the hold up?

A computer programmer is predicting the world as we know it will come to a violent end in the final days of December.

After the kind of year 2016 has been, we’re not fazed one bit by the prediction of coming doom and calamity for mankind. Bring it on.

Nora Roth is a Christian computer programmer who uses complex computer calculations from the biblical book of Daniel that she says points to the end of the world coming before the end of the year, ending “6,000 years of sin on earth.”

The math is explained on Roth’s official website, MarkBeast. Scroll to the conclusion on the webpage to cut to the chase.

The end, Roth notes, will come just as Jesus Christ returns to the planet to take his followers home to Heaven. That’s what they teach in Sunday school to be the Rapture.

Roth says after the planet has been sufficiently scorched it will rest for a millennium to recover from all the evil we’ve wrought.

Luckily for billions of us all the past dire predictions of world-ending wars, solar flares, and other disasters have not come pass.

Every year we get a new eviction date for mankind and every year nothing happens. Frankly it’s a little anticlimactic.

A man named Harold Camping famously predicted the Rapture would occur on May 21, 2011. He died in Dec. 2013, so the world already ended for him. 

Just in case, though, get all your Christmas shopping done so you can enjoy the next few weeks on the planet with family and friends. 

Christmas time in Galway

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season” Saint Peter said,  “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle”, he said.

“You may pass through the pearly gates” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”

Saint Peter said “You may pass through the pearly gates”.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and  asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The man replied, “These are Carols.”

And So The Christmas Season Begins……

 

IF I WERE SANTA –

If I were a rockin’ Santa,

You know what I’d do?

I’d dump the silly gifts

That are given to you.

I’d deliver some things

Just inside your front door —

Things you have lost,

But treasured before.

I’d give you back all

Your maidenly vigour,

And to go along with it,

A neat, tiny figure;

Then restore the old color

That once graced your hair

Before rinses and bleaches

Took residence there.

I’d bring back the shape

With which you were gifted,

So things now suspended

Need not be uplifted.

I’d draw in your tummy

And smooth down your back

Till you’d be a dream

In those tight fitting slacks!

I’d remove all your wrinkles

And leave only one chin,

So you wouldn’t spend hours

Rubbing grease on your skin.

You’d never have flashes

Or queer dizzy spells,

And you wouldn’t hear noises

Like ringing of bells.

No sore aching feet,

And no corns on your toes

No searching for spectacles

When they’re right on your nose.

Not a shot would you take

In your arm, hip or fanny

From a doctor who thinks

You’re a nervous old granny.

You’d never have a headache,

So no pills would you take.

And no heating pad needed

Since your muscles won’t ache.

Yes, if I were Santa,

You’d never look stupid.

You’d be a cute little chick

With the romance of a cupid.

I’d give a lift to your heart

When those wolves start to whistle,

And the joys of your heart

Would be light as a thistle.

But alas! I’m not Santa.

I’m simply just me,

The matronest of matrons

You ever did see.

I wish I could tell you

All the symptoms I’ve got,

But I’m due at my doctor’s

For an estrogen shot.

Even though we’ve grown older

This wish is sincere:

A very Merry, Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Angels We Have Heard On High · The Irish Rovers

OK so I was going to wait until the end of the issue to do this, but Mr. McWhiney Pant’s constant interrupting and carrying on about his ‘You-can’t-be-serious! THAT-is-really-my-present?”  ‘DIY gift’ from me is getting darn annoying and making my trigger finger itch. Since I’m (questionably) informed its impolite to shoot anyone much less such an annoyance on Christmas Eve, I’m caving in and getting this over right now.

Here Impish THIS is what I got you for Christmas, now quitcherbitchin and leave me finish the issue and night in Peace!

Be bloody careful with the wrapping too! I learned to crochet and made the wrappings especially just for your present!

FYI- she was #1 on Santa’s Naughtiest of the Naughty Girls 2016 list. So remember to pace yourself, Birthday Boy, your not getting any younger and she’s of the firm opinion Christmas lasts for 12 days and therefor so should you.

Above & Below: Irish Tree Toppers

DADDY’S POEM

Her hair was up in a pony tail,

Her favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy’s Day at school,
And she couldn’t wait to go.

But her mommy tried to tell her,
That she probably should stay home;
Why the kids might not understand,
If she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid;
She knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates
Of why he wasn’t there today.

But still her mother worried,
For her to face this day alone.
And that was why, once again,
She tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school,
Eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees, a dad
Who never calls.

There were daddies along the wall in
Back, for everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently,
Anxious in their seat.

One by one the teacher called
On a student from the class.
To introduce their daddy,
As seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name,
Every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching,
A man who wasn’t there.

“Where’s her daddy at?”
She heard a boy call out.
“She probably doesn’t have one,”
Another student dared to shout.

And from somewhere near the back,
She heard a daddy say,
“Looks like another deadbeat dad,
Too busy to waste his day.”

The words did not offend her,
As she smiled up at her Mom.
And looked back at her teacher, who
Told her to go on..

And with hands behind her back,
Slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child,
Came words incredibly unique.

“My Daddy couldn’t be here,
Because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be,
Since this is such a special day.

And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know
All about my daddy,
And how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories,
He taught me to ride my bike;
He surprised me with pink roses,
And taught me to fly a kite.

We used to share fudge sundaes,
And ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him.
I’m not standing here alone.

‘Cause my daddy’s always with me,
Even though we are apart;
I know because he told me,
He’ll forever be in my heart”

With that, her little hand reached up,
And lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat,
Beneath her favorite dress.

And from somewhere there in the crowd of dads,

Her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter,
Who was wise beyond her years.

For she stood up for the love
Of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her,
Doing what was a right.

And when she dropped her hand back
Down, staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft,
But its message clear and loud.

“I love my daddy very much,
he’s my shining star.
And if he could, he’d be here,
But heaven’s just too far.

You see he is an American Soldier
And he died just this past year,
When a roadside bomb hit his convoy
And taught Americans to fear.

But sometimes when I close my eyes,
it’s like he never went away.”
And then she closed her eyes,
And saw him there that day.

And to her mother’s amazement,
She witnessed with surprise,
A room full of daddies and children,
All starting to close their eyes.

Who knows what they saw before them;
Who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second,
They saw him at her side.

“I know you’re with me Daddy,”
To the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers,
Of those once filled with doubt.

Not one in that room could explain it,
For each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her,
Was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.

And a child was blessed, if only for
a moment, by the love of her shining star.
And given the gift of believing,
that heaven is never to far

There must be many children in the same boat as this little girl; thanks to our servicemen and their families for the sacrifice they are making to keep our country free. The ULTIMATE sacrifice is being left behind. Don’t forget them.

I made a pledge years ago that a Christmas Issue would never pass without this next video or video lacking, then the poem behind it. I’ll have to be dead to no longer honor that promise.

A Soldier’s Silent Night

 

They’re doing all of us a service by insuring our safety and ability to celebrate Christmas, we need to do them one back. If there are families of serving men or women in your area adopt one. See their Christmas wants for naught, even at the expense of your own.

If the husband is serving give her your number to call incase of a household emergency. You have no idea how much that number will mean in the middle of the night when she has a water leak and no idea how to shut it off or her head won’t come on and all her children are in her bed freezing.

Their Husbands, Wives, Sons and Daughters are all risking life and limb for us, surely we can risk a little inconvenience for them. In the long run, who are you really helping?

Here’s to the day we’ll never have troops far away from home because we’ve all learned to live in peace.

 

Here’s to the time we’ve no more cause to display service ribbons upon our doors on the holidays or any other day of the year.

Santa, I know it’s a heck of a lot to ask for, but I’m not asking for me, I did my time and I was and still am proud to have done it. If you could see your way clear to bop some brains, human decency, tolerance and a healthy dose of worldly common sense into the heads of a few world leaders regardless of if they believe or not on your trip tonight we might well  be able to have peace in 2017.

 

 

Good King Wenceslas

 

IRISH CUSTOM: THE CANDLE IN THE WINDOW

The Irish have long been known for their hospitality and the primary function of the candle in the window was both as a guide to Mary and Joseph on their way but also as a sign of welcome to any stranger who passed that they would not go without, especially on the feast of the King.

This was also customary on the Feast of Brigid (Bridget), since on Brigid’s eve, food was often left out, not only in welcome, but also in hopes that she might pass by the door. What better way to bring luck and blessings to a family than to encourage the saints and indeed the Mother of Jesus to pass by the door. The candle on Christmas Eve was truly more symbolic, since Mary was in fact thought to be more heavenly and unlikely to pass by. Brigid on the other hand, might actually pass by the door, and small pieces of cloth were often left outside in hopes that she would bless them. These lovely country customs are a reflection of the sense of closeness people felt to many of the female saints. Women in particular, had a great affinity for Mary and Brigid.

Brigid was thought to have been the midwife of Christ and became known as the “Mary of the Gael.”

Christmas Eve by Ruth and Celia Duffin

A cup of milk
And a wheaten-cake,

And a spark of fire
For the Travellers’ sake.

A door on the latch,
A light in the pane,

Lest the Travellers’ pass
In the wind and rain.

For food and fire
And candlelight

The Travellers’ blessing
On us this night

Merry Christmas!

Christmas is such an unusual time of year.

Little kids [and  not so little but still kids at heart and IQ Dragons- L.L.] are hoping that Santa is going to give them everything they asked for and even some stuff they didn’t ask for and that it will all be under the tree on Christmas morning.

Older kids are still hoping that Mom and Dad…oops, I mean Santa is going to leave them everything they want, but most of them are pretty lined up with how much their family can afford.

Teenagers are too cool to ask Santa for anything and when they are pressured, they might admit to wanting something, but they also might be afraid that if they want it too much, they won’t get it because they never get ANYTHING that they want.  EVER.

Young adults usually just want a couple of extra hours sleep or an extra paycheck so that they can get everything their new kids want.

But, when you get to be a little older than that, you begin to realize that the stuff you REALLY want ain’t gonna be delivered by Santa and his magical flying reindeer. [Clarification: He’s speaking of you mundanes who give up believing so easily in the magical, mystical and legends as you age. We Magical/Mystical/Legendary creatures still believe and get visited by Santa yearly- L.L.]

There is a morning talk show that is syndicated across the country…well…really, around the world, because I know that they are also on Armed Forces Radio … anyway, it’s Bob and Shari.  I don’t have time to listen to the whole show every morning, instead, I download their podcast and listen to it throughout the day.  It is one of the most fun talk shows I’ve ever listened to.

Anyway, Bob and Shari have a portion of their show where their listeners call in and share their experiences with whatever topic they happen to come up with on that day.  And today was grownup Santa wishes.  They had some really great calls, one lady called in and wanted Santa to wave his magic …. whatever…(not sure what Santa has to wave to make magic. [Dude! Seriously? Does the phrase “And laying his finger aside of his nose,
and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose” not ring any bells? – L.L.] Gotta give that some more thought) anyway, she wanted Santa to make it so that no more family members would have to go to the emergency room – at least for a while.  She related 9 instances of family members, including herself, that had actual emergencies, just since March of this year.  It was amazingly horrifying.  So yeah, I could see as how that was a good grownup Santa wish.

There were some “I really want to get close to my ______ brother, sister, cousin, mom, dad… you fill in the blank.  Estranged family members.  Another good grownup Santa wish.

Then there were a few of … I want my 5 year old daughter to be cured of leukemia; I really wish my dad, who is suffering from terrible Alzheimer’s would just recognize me one more time before he dies; I haven’t heard from my son who is serving his country overseas in a hot desert and please, please Santa, make it so he is alright and just not able to get in touch.

And they went on like that for quite some time.

Now, the one real problem with me listening to them on podcast is that I can’t call in when they have an interesting topic.  But, I started thinking about what grownup Santa wish I would ask for.  And I started thinking of the things that I would really want.  Getting rid of the hellish pain that I suffer through every day; better health for my wife, daughter, father, father-in-law …

But you know…. pain and sickness are transitory.  Would I really have happiness if they were gone?  I’m not really sure.

Then I thought a little bit further out of the box and started thinking of some real grownup Santa wishes and I’d like to share a couple of those with you.

Santa, if you could find it in your magic bag, I sure would like to meet some of the awesome people that I’ve met and interacted with here on line.  Some of these people who, although I’ve never met them face to face, or maybe even talked to on the phone, have made it inside my heart and have taken up residence.  I’d truly love to hug, or give manly bro-hugs with back pounding, to everyone of you who are reading this now.

Santa, I’d really, really like to have a world… a safe and happy world … for my kids and grandkids to grow up in.  I’d like for them to experience the freedom to make up their own minds, the freedom to study whatever they want, and the safety and security to not wonder if they’ve locked the doors, or kept close track to their identity.  I’d like them all to grow up in the kind of America that I was blessed enough to grow up in.

You know, I had thought, before I sat down to write this, that I was going to talk about the birth of Jesus and the meaning of the season.  But, this is where my warped little mind wandered to, so you guys are stuck with it.  So, I would like each and everyone of you to think of what grownup wishes you would want Santa to fill – and then I want you to go out and try to fill as many of them yourself as you can.

My beloved friends, family and fellow campers, may you truly be blessed this holiday.  May God grant you love, happiness, and laughter in your home.  And may you truly feel the warmth of His grace and the love in my heart that I have for you all.

Merry Christmas!

Impish Dragon

Yo-Yo Ma, Alison Krauss – The Wexford Carol

 

May you keep in your heart amidst all your celebration and feasting the true reason and meaning behind the holiday season.

Mean while ‘tis a lantern in a few windows I’ve ta be placing if you take my meaning. I hope you’ll be placing at least once as well. Honoring the uld ways is more than something we should be doing because it’s ‘tradition’. Very often the uld ways have a great deal of thought, meaning, significance or wisdom behind them that we’ve tended to disregard as we’ve ‘modernized’- oft in my opinion, to our own detriment as well as loss to our moral compass both personally and as a society.

See you Wednesday for our regular issue of Leprechaun Laughs where the good Lord (Santa? Could really use an economy sized box of inspiration for Christmas here) only knows what I’ll manage to come up with on short notice.

Until then…

Yes, it’s Wednesday.  Not the normal day for Dragon Laffs now is it?  If you remember correctly, Lethal is doing Christmas this year and I’m doing New Years.  Although, there will be a short Christmas message from me in his issue and a short New Year’s message from him in my issue.

Now, I’m sure that was just a clear as mud.

There was so many different things I was going to write about in my opening, I even had a bunch of suggestions from Lethal.  But I ended up putting so many graphics and laffs and funnies in the issue that it is just on this side of crashing the server AND I still have to get up and work in the morning.

Ah me.

See, I even had some dragons poking their heads in…

And I’m sure you noticed the elf showing his ass…(that reminds me of so many people that I know…lol)

Anyway, there is so much to go through, why don’t we just get started!

I have to tell you a quick story about Jersey drivers, who have been, year after year, voted the worst drivers in America.  Here’s a quote from a female Jersey driver:

“I realized I had a road-rage problem when my five-year-old daughter shouted, ‘Pick a fucking lane, you dickhead!’ While sitting in my grocery cart.”

I’m figuring that Ginny, Diaman, and many other Jersey-ites have had similar experiences.  I know I have.

 

Right, so without admitting whether any of this is true or false, I’m presenting it here purely for your enjoyment.  Thanks Paul.

 

 

Don’t you just love the artsy-ness of this time of year.  Here’s a picture of me that was “decorated” by one of the kids in one of the classes before the Christmas break. 

No doubt!!!

I’m writing this early Saturday morning, a few hours after the last Dragon Laffs was posted.  And right now, it’s snowing, turning into sleet and frozen rain, turning into rain mixed into ice, snow and sleet.  Which, in turn, will turn back into snow later this evening.  Well, right now, everything outside is covered in ice…I mean everything.  A layer of ice on top of the snow that’s still on the ground and making even stepping outside a treacherous and highly dangerous endeavor.  So, this first video is exactly what is going on around here.  But, it is still funny.

So, diamonds are like the hardest substances on earth…right?  Let’s see…

 

Hydraulic Press – 1, Diamond – 0

I would have never, ever thought that I would have sat through a ten-minute video about a seat on a plane, but since there were so many millions of views AND it came recommended by Kim Komando, I just had to!  Here’s what Kim has to say about the video:  Nearly 27 million people looked on in awe as filmmaker and YouTube personality Casey Neistat shared a rare glimpse into the luxury high-flying lifestyle of first-class seating on Emirates Airlines. Neistat received an upgrade while traveling from Dubai to New York City. The seat comes with a $21,000 price tag.
Neistat described the experience as one of “the greatest days in my entire life.” Besides high-end drinks, Neistat got his own sliding doors, a writing kit, total privacy, plenty of room to stretch out his legs, and a large touchscreen television. It’s more of a hotel room than an airline seat. Regular passengers may snack on peanuts, but the sunglasses-wearing Neistat received caviar. He even took a hot shower. This video is the closest most of us will ever get to such eye-popping in-flight luxury.

Just….wow!

 

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to the new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach “.

The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you’re eating and see if that does the trick”.

As they left, the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman. How’d you come to the diagnosis so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.”

The younger doctor said “Pretty clever. If you don’t mind I think I’ll try that at the next house”.

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.
She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once did and said “I’m feeling terribly run down lately “.

“You’ve probably been doing too much for the Church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps”.

As they left, the elder doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she’s very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?”.

“I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed.”

 

This is the tree that’s in the lobby of DL&LL Enterprises.  Yes, you can assume that there is just a tiny bit of magic involved.

Oh, and ain’t it the truth!  He also knows when you’re bluffing at cards and will take you for everything you own and not think twice about it.

Holiday shopping facts by the numbers 

Sales this holiday season are expected to hit $1 trillion in the United States. Of the $1 trillion, $98 billion will be online sales.  That is, without a doubt, my favorite way to shop!  Online, that is.

The average consumer will spend around $1100 on their holiday gifts. Millennials living in places like Brooklyn, Austin, and Portland are expected to spend more than most people—up to $500 more.  Okay, that’s an awful lot….I wouldn’t have thought that it would have averaged that much.  But, if you think about it, for every large family that spends more on Christmas, there’s a smaller family, or single person who doesn’t spend anywhere near as much.  So, I guess it all balances out.

While online shopping is convenient, people still do enjoy visiting brick-and-mortar stores. One of the aforementioned surveys found that 66 percent of respondents planned to research gifts online, but they will then head to the store to check it out in person and buy it.  I can honestly say that I have NEVER done it that way.  Now, I have done it the other way, saw something out at the store that I liked, and went home and bought it online because it was less expensive.

A 2016 survey revealed that 22% of the 1,000 respondents shop on the toilet.  I REALLY didn’t need to know that.  I now have this picture in my head of Lethal Leprechaun sitting on the toilet while ordering the beef, turkey, pork, (just to name a few) jerkies for me for Christmas.  If you’ll excuse me, I need to go wash my brain out with bleach.

Around 50% of holiday shoppers are planning on getting loved ones clothes for Christmas. In 2014, holiday shoppers spent $40 million at U.S. clothing stores.

There’s a pretty solid chance that the gift you received was on sale. More than 75 percent of respondents in the former shopping survey said that a sale would impact at least one of their holiday gift purchases.  I wouldn’t expect anything less.  With the exception of the “very specific gifts” that I KNOW what I have to get, all the rest I get at the best price possible.

Most shoppers confirm around half of their gifts were planned. The other half? Complete impulse buys.  Now that one I understand completely.

Holiday shopping can account for up to 30 percent of a retailer’s annual sales.  Wow!

One survey found that 29 percent of consumers largely completed their holiday shopping before Black Friday. In another survey, shoppers said they would start shopping in October or earlier.  No way!  Not a chance in hell!  If it doesn’t say “December” in the date, this dragon hasn’t even thought about Christmas shopping.

Pet owners will spend an average of $62 on their furbabies this season.

Around 58% of consumers will buy gifts for themselves, spending an average of about $140 in the process.

An October 2016 survey found that the average shopper would spend more than $200 on decorations, food, flowers, and greeting cards this holiday season.

In the same aforementioned survey, 45 percent of respondents said they were planning to shop at a grocery store for the holidays.  Of course!  Where are you going to get the peach juice for your Peachcombers?

According to one retail study, in 2015 the most popular time of the year to return retail purchases was during lunch on December 26. The Midwest saw some of the highest rates of holiday gift returns, with return rates of more than 19 percent the week after Christmas (comparing dollars of purchases and dollars returned). January 2, 2016 was the most popular day to return items during that month.

I know most of you know Karl (K2) at least from some of the stuff he’s submitted.  Well, K2 sent me this little article / essay and, even though it has nothing to do with Christmas, it still says things in a way that makes me jealous that I didn’t say it or write it.  And I think that it is something that all of us need to understand.

Quote from a WWII veteran overhearing someone say that `You can’t bomb an ideology.”

“The hell you can’t, because we did it. These Muslims are no different than the [Imperial] Japanese.

The Japs had their suicide bombers too. And we stopped them. What it takes is the resolve and will to use a level of brutality and violence that your generations can’t stomach.

And until you can, this shit won’t stop. It took us on the beaches with bullets, clearing out caves with flame throwers, and men like LeMay burning down their cities, killing people by the tens of thousands. And then it took 2 atom bombs on top of it.  Plus we had to bomb the shit out of German cities to get them to quit fighting.

But, if that was what it took to win, we were willing to do it. Until you are willing to do the same…well I hope you enjoy this shit, because it ain’t going to stop!”

Back then, we had leadership, resolve, resources and determination.

Today we’re afraid to hurt people’s feelings….and worry about which bathroom to pee in!

He also goes on to say, “Unless you are willing to be as unreasonable and as brutal as your enemy, do not engage him in any conflict – because he will win.” 

And that, more than anything else is what I hope all our enemies are thinking now that Trump is going to be the next president.

 

So, I thought I was done with videos, but then I got this one from The Green One.  And as many of us out there who are from this part of the country, I just had to add it in.

Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2, and 3?
Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

What could possibly be better than Motivational Posters?  Christmas Motivational Posters!

That is the honest truth.  I have no idea what it is about that guy, he’s an old, fat man that dresses in a red velvet suit.  And yet, all the girls can’t wait to help him, sit on his lap, or go back to his cabin and look at his etchings.

Okay, so that’s just wrong!  In SO many ways!

Yeah, buddy!
I’ve got a myth that needs busting!

Well…if nothing else, it will keep the neighbors from complaining.

Some how I don’t think that Mrs. Dragon or Molly is going to allow either myself or Lethal Leprechaun in exchanging gifts with this one.

My Klingon to English Dictionary wouldn’t translate Hu’tegh petaQpu.  The best I could come up with is that Hu’tegh means either “bah” or “darn”

I was on a voyage once with Inigo Montoya and he told me that he asked Santa for the same thing!  What are the odds?

I told Lethal that would be an awesome addition to the little pub we keep for the upper echelon at DL&LL Enterprises.

There’s more?  More?  How many more Christmas Motivationals could there possibly be?

And haven’t we all been there once or twice?  Why, I remember the time….
More Motivationals!

And that would be the end of the motivationals….wasn’t that a surprise?

And let’s end today’s issue with one of the very best explanations of Christmas ever given by a cartoon character.  And every year, at the company Christmas party, Linus will get up with Charlie Brown, (they are usually both drunk off their asses) and they will replay the same scene.

Charlie Brown: Isn’t there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?!

Linus: Sure Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about. Lights please. “And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo the angel of the Lord came down upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not; for, behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you: Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace and goodwill towards men.” That’s what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown.

May your holiday season be one to remember and be filled with love, laughter and happiness!!!

Another cold snowy, blowy, week.  We’ve had wind-chills all the way down to –15 F!  That’s fifteen degrees below zero!  That’s forty-seven (47) degrees colder than the temperature at which water freezes!  That’s pretty damn cold!

Thank goodness my blood has a high level of ethanol in it, which really helps when it comes to keeping me from, at best, falling into hibernation and at worst, plunging to the ground unconscious from several thousand feet up in the air.  As I’m sure Lethal has told you many times before, that NEVER works out well for me.

 

 

I’m sure there’s a joke in there somewhere, but it’s pretty lame.  So, if it’s so lame, why did I include it in today’s issue?
Honestly?
I have no idea.  There’s probably a deep psychological issue that was just uncovered in me.

Yeah, that’s probably quite true.

Donald MacDonald from the Scottish Highlands, went to study Law at a renowned and austere English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.

After he had been there a month, his old mother came to visit him.

“And how do you find the English students, Donald?” she asked.

“Mother,” he replied, “they’re such terrible, noisy people…

…The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won’t stop…

…The one on the other side screams and screams all night.”

“Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?” She asked her son.

Donald replied enthusiastically: “Mother, I do nothing. I simply ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.”

Mrs. Dragon snapped this picture of me a couple of Christmases ago.  I get pretty excited when I wait for Santa.

 

Now, I am a fan, like many of you, of the movies.  But, this is going just a little too far.

This one is both gross and hilarious!  Poor thing is SO tired and SO messy!

 

Thanks to Papa Dragon Most Senior for this next one.  Put your coffee down, you don’t want to spit it everywhere!

 

Now, this next one is just pure genius!  Easier than using my snow blower!

We all know there are scams everywhere and this one is no different.  I would normally not bother with something that I think is kind of obvious, but since there are so many of you who are drunkards enjoy a nice glass of wine, I thought this was important to share.  Again, it comes from America’s Digital Goddess, Kim Komando.

HOLIDAY WINE BOTTLE EXCHANGE

The latest scam targeting Facebook users is the “holiday wine bottle exchange.”

What’s happening is, you’re asked if you’re interested in a holiday wine bottle exchange, or Total Wine gift card exchange.

You are told that you only have to purchase one bottle of wine valued at $15 or more. In return, the scammer says that you will receive between six and 36 wine bottles or gift cards. The return depends on how many wine drinkers join.

The wording might be different depending on which post you see, but the message is the same. Here is what the scam looks like, I found this on my Facebook newsfeed:

Warning! If you see a post like this, DO NOT SEND MONEY! This is a scam and you will not receive any wine.

The “holiday wine bottle exchange” is similar to how a pyramid scheme works. The U.S. Postal Service said this is basically a chain letter, which is illegal because it’s a form of gambling. So, even if you did receive wine in return, it would be illegal.

Police are asking people to watch for any of these posts and not to fall for this hoax. You also should report the post to Facebook if you see one.

To report a Facebook post:

1. Click the downward pointing arrow in the top-right corner of the post.
2. Click Report post or Report photo.
3. Select the option that best describes the issue and follow the on-screen instructions.

This isn’t the first scam we’ve seen on Facebook and it definitely won’t be the last. It wasn’t long ago that a similar scam was being passed around, it was called the “secret sister gift exchange.”

A great rule to live by is if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Thanks Kim!

Well, that’s true for Grandpa’s also.

So, here’s my cousin, sitting down with the counselor.  They often have very long talks and the counselor is said to do a great job.  Which is which?  Oh….that’s my cousin Suzanne talking with Mr. Fine.  He’s the red one.

You may have noticed that I haven’t put that much Christmas stuff in this issue.  That’s for two reasons.  #1) I don’t want to over do Christmas so that you are sick of it by the time the holiday finally does get here and b) I don’t want to step on Lethal’s toes and possibly use something that he is going to use. 

Okay, so you’re buying all that, right?

Good.

You find Lethal standing at the podium in the strangest manner of dress you’ve ever seen him in. He’s clad in black fleece pants, a tropical print Hawaiian shirt and a Notre Dame watch cap.

He observes your quizzical stares and explains:

“Welcome to Texas December attire. In the last week we’ve gone from highs in the high 70’s to a high in the low 40’s. Lows have ranged from 66 to freeze warnings and I can honestly say I have had the air conditioning and and heat both going in the same day.”

He continues:

“The weather man and his forecasts are of basically little use beyond his observations of current conditions and the prevalent temperature trend for that particular day. The extended forecasts are changing with nearly every website update. Heck they even go as far as to radically disagree with each other at times. Hence our mode of dress trying to cover all contingencies. At this point we don’t even know if we’ll be wearing thermals or board shorts for Christmas morning.

Moving on, ‘tis a brief housekeeping note I have for ya. Next week Impish and I will be swapping places. You be seeing DragonLaffs on Wednesday next so that our Holiday Issue can fall on Christmas Eve. Things will be back to (what passes for) normal around here with my being back on the Wednesday between Christmas and New Year. In keeping with his desire to be less of a gold brick and contribute more Impish who did so well with the Halloween Issue will be doing our 2017 New Years Issue this year.”

Anyway, you folks get on with the issue it’s full and near to bursting with manic holiday cheer and good will. Mean time I’ll get back to working on my DIY present for Impish.

Straight No Chaser – The Christmas Can-Can

 

 

Santa’s house, workshop and 25 acres listed on Zillow real estate website

The folks at the real estate website Zillow are obviously in a holiday mood. They’ve just revealed a listing for Santa’s House at the North Pole.

It’s not opulent but it’s extremely cozy, with three bedrooms, two bathrooms and 2,500 square feet of “gorgeous old-growth timber logged on site.” Santa Claus’ house has never been sold and is not on the market, Zillow said in a news release.

Although the house is not for sale, Santa was able to update his home’s description and add photos, which can enhance the “Zestimate” value, Zillow said.

Built in 1822, the home looks great, thanks to a 2013 update with modern amenities.

The gourmet kitchen, for example, features an oven with 12 different cookie settings. The living room retains its Old World charm with a floor-to-ceiling river rock fireplace for roasting chestnuts.

 

In Santa’s study are a writing desk and sewing table where Santa made the original teddy bear, according to Zillow. 

“Santa’s home at the North pole is one of the most famous homes in the world, so we’re thrilled it’s now on Zillow,” said Zillow spokesman Jeremy Wacksman.

Also, at the Santa’s house listing on Zillow, children can start following Santa’s Christmas Eve trek to deliver presents around the world through the official NORAD Santa tracker. Type “Santa’s house” into the search bar on Zillow.com and click on “Locate Santa” in the lower right corner of the page.

 

The 25-acre property includes a workshop that is, of course, state of the art with work stations for 50 elves. The garage houses Santa’s all-weather sleigh, and the stables have space for eight live-in reindeer.

With all these features, this property would be snatched up if it were for sale. The “Zestimate” price of $656,957 or rental rate of $3,300 per month would be a bargain for Santa Claus’ house at the North Pole.

Santa’s Comin’ In A Whirly Bird

 

Maybe Impish should think about hiring these too to get him off the Naughty list. I don’t know though, what penalty does Santa impose for hacking his system? Sounds like ground for addition to the ‘You’ve Got to be Kidding Me’ permanent Naughty List if you ask me!

Yup, even Impish is benched this year, something about failing his sleigh flight physical

Cute, certainly. Adorable, agreed. But that turns into this:

the nanosecond your back turns. TRUST ME on this!

OK so maybe Chef Lethal and a few Leprechonia style ‘Elfettes’.

Here’s a fast, easy, and soul warming one pot dinner that goes well on nay cold night.

One Pot Spaghetti Carbonara

This one-pot wonder makes a simply delicious recipe easier than ever.  Pasta cooks right in the sauce adding to the rich creaminess that comes from cream of chicken soup.  Bacon adds a smoky note while Parmesan gives a great flavor boost. 

 

Prep time: 10 minutes

Total time: 30 minutes

Serves: 4 people

 

 

Ingredients

• 4 slices bacon, chopped
• 1 large shallot, chopped (about 1/2 cup)
• 1 can  Condensed Cream of Chicken Soup or  Condensed  Cream of Mushroom Soup
• 3 1/2 cups Low Sodium Chicken Broth
• 3/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
• 8 ounces uncooked spaghetti
• 1 cup frozen peas, thawed
• Cracked black pepper to taste

Directions

Step 1

Cook the bacon and shallot in a 6-quart saucepot over medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until the bacon is browned, stirring occasionally.

Step 2

Stir the soup, broth and 1/2 cup cheese in the saucepot and heat to a boil.  Stir in the spaghetti. Reduce the heat to medium-low and cook for 10 minutes or until the spaghetti is tender and the soup mixture is thickened, stirring occasionally.  Stir in the peas and sprinkle with the remaining cheese  and freshly cracked black pepper just before serving.

I usually use Cream of Mushroom soup and/or add a can of precooked sliced mushrooms in broth. I’ve also use the precooked shredded bacon in the pouch for this with great success. I’ve also used Fettuccini in place of the spaghetti but found I needed slightly more chicken broth to account for the longer cooking time and larger size of the noodle.

Finally if you have leftovers (what are those?), just reheat with a little milk or half and half the next day and it goes right back to creaming goodness.

I’m sure you’ve noticed there hasn’t been that many cookie recipes this year. That’s because few of the new recipes have met my criteria for ‘’keepers”. Yes I have criteria- the recipe has to not have weird, rare, or hard to find ingredients, it can’t be involved- no two day cookie making process etc. and finally the recipe has to make more than just a dozen of dozen and a half cookies- if we’re baking cookies by the cookie gods I want to have cookies for a week not a day and a half!

It goes without saying that they have to look and taste good as well and if that happens to include being good for you (or at least not overly fattening) well hey  look at that- another Christmas miracle!

Both the follow recipes met all the above criteria and passed the all important taste test.

Lemon Ricotta Cookies with Lemon Glaze

 

Ingredients

Cookies: 
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 stick unsalted butter, softened
2 cups sugar
2 eggs
1 (15-ounce) container whole milk ricotta cheese
3 tablespoons lemon juice
1 lemon, zested

Glaze:
1 1/2 cups powdered sugar
3 tablespoons lemon juice
1 lemon, zested

Directions

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F.

Cookies:
In a medium bowl combine the flour, baking powder, and salt. Set aside.
In the large bowl combine the butter and the sugar. Using an electric mixer beat the butter and sugar until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes. Add the eggs, 1 at a time, beating until incorporated. Add the ricotta cheese, lemon juice, and lemon zest. Beat to combine. Stir in the dry ingredients.
Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper. Spoon the dough (about 2 tablespoons for each cookie) onto the baking sheets. Bake for 15 minutes, until slightly golden at the edges. Remove from the oven and let the cookies rest on the baking sheet for 20 minutes.

Glaze:
Combine the powdered sugar, lemon juice, and lemon zest in a small bowl and stir until smooth. Spoon about 1/2-teaspoon onto each cookie and use the back of the spoon to gently spread. Let the glaze harden for about 2 hours. Pack the cookies into a decorative container.

Eggnog Meltaway Cookies

 

Total Time: 2 hr. 25 min
Prep: 25 min
Inactive: 1 hr. 10 min
Cook: 50 min
Yield: 4 dozen cookies
Level: Easy

 

 

 

Ingredients

1 cup blanched almonds (skinless)
2 cups confectioners’ sugar
2 sticks (1 cup) unsalted butter, at room temperature
1 tablespoon bourbon
2 teaspoons rum extract
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour (see Cook’s Note)
1/2 teaspoon fine salt
1 tablespoon freshly grated nutmeg, plus more for serving

Directions

Line 2 baking sheets with parchment.

Put the almonds and 1/2 cup of the confectioners’ sugar in the bowl of a food processor and process until very finely ground, about 2 minutes. Add the butter and process until smooth, 30 seconds to 1 minute. Scrape the dough off the inside of the bowl if needed. Add the bourbon and rum and vanilla extracts and pulse until smooth. Add the flour and salt and pulse until the dough forms a ball.

Roll mounded teaspoons of the dough into balls about 1 inch wide and place on the prepared baking sheets about 1 inch apart. Refrigerate for 30 minutes.
Meanwhile, position oven racks in the top and bottom thirds of the oven and preheat to 350 degrees F.

Bake, rotating the baking sheets from top to bottom and front to back halfway through, until the cookies are firm when gently pressed, completely dry and just beginning to crack at the top, 20 to 25 minutes. Cool the cookies on the sheets for 5 minutes; they will firm as they cool.

Meanwhile, put the nutmeg and remaining 1 1/2 cups confectioners’ sugar in a pie plate or wide baking dish and mix well. Toss the warm cookies very gently in the sugar mixture until evenly coated; the cookies need to be warm for the first coating of sugar to stick. Cool the cookies on a wire rack completely, about 30 minutes, then toss again in the sugar mixture so they are very white. Sprinkle with additional grated nutmeg.

Store the cookies in a little bit of extra confectioners’ sugar in an airtight container for up to a week.

 

Bill Engvall – Here’s Your Sign Christmas

 

T’was the Night of online shopping

T’was the Night of online shopping byJohnthomas1969©

T’was the night of online shopping and all through the net,
You could buy an actual tiger cub to have as a pet.

No waiting in line just easy shopping at home,
and you get your items delivered to you by a drone.

The children won’t know what you got them unless,
They stole your Amazon password to gain your access.

It’s shopping made easy you just look, point and click,
And you will fill up your shopping cart extremely quick.

Twelve hours of screen staring may make you go blind,
Or simply overload your senses and you’ll loose your whole mind.

No more driving to Walmart on Thanksgiving day,
Only to find the item you wanted has been raffled away.

No camping at 2:30 a.m in the snow,
hoping not to get trampled by those playing Pokémon go.

Free shipping you’ll get with Amazon prime,
And with some of the deals shopping feels like a crime.

For those who are naughty and in need of a thrill,
There’s Spencer’s, Wild Secrets and even Jack and Jill.

For you who are willing to just chill and relax,
There’s Stitch fix and Target and of course TJ Max.

Shopping on ebay is always a trip,
You can buy vintage clothing to make you look hip.

You can buy watches and records and real paper money,
There’s even a beehive to make actual real honey.

You can buy tickets and stamps and things just plain scary,
Like an old grilled cheese sandwich shaped like the Virgin Mary.

You can buy seashells and starfish, heck even a whole beach,
Just be wise with your password in case there’s a breach.

No bell ringing Santa’s will you have to avoid,
Nor entitled little brats to make you annoyed.

Please take a quick survey for your chance to win,
One million dollars or a personalized pen.

Yes online shopping is finally a blessing to all,
With the possible exception of the owners of malls.

Amazon sells everything except time, space and air,
But I guess even they can’t have everything to be totally fair.

You might run out of room in your overcrowded house,
Or get blisters on your finger from clicking the mouse.

A small price to pay for shopping online,
And where else can you shop while enjoying some wine?

You can shop in your pj’s or even in the nude,
And not have to deal with cashiers who are rude.

Although returning your stuff might be more of pain,
It beats walking through a parking lot in the heavy pouring rain.

And please remember to subscribe, share and like,
To get your packages by Christmas unless there’s a strike.

 

Well Impish appealed his “Naughty List” certification and asked for a hand count by Santa instead of a machine review. I’ve just received the review’s results so lets see what they have to say-

OUCH! I think that’s a little harsh! It is Christmas after all! Where’s the good will towards men (and the odd, ok very odd dragon)? I might have to appeal this one myself.

Joe Diffie – Leroy The Redneck Reindeer

 

Japan Gift Wrapping Hack Explained

 

Yes I know its Christmas time. Peace on Earth, Good Will toward men- even Liberals etc. ad nauseum.  However the problem with great responses such as this is that they never come exactly when you want or need them to publishing wise.  With Veteran’s Day just a month past and last week being the 75th Memorial of Pearl Harbor I felt it was important to call attention to this response to a prevalent undertone of attitude in our modern society.

Mike Rowe slams critic who calls American flag a “mere symbol”

Michael Gregory Rowe (born March 18, 1962) is an American actor primarily known as a television host and narrator. Known for his work on the Discovery Channel series Dirty Jobs and the CNN series Somebody’s Gotta Do It. Rowe has narrated programs on the Discovery Channel, The Science Channel and National Geographic Channel such as Deadliest Catch, How the Universe Works, and Shark Week. He has appeared on commercials for firms such as the Ford Motor Company. On Facebook he has 4+ million followers, where his frequent essays draw anywhere from tens of thousands to hundreds of thousands of “likes”. He’s served as a social activist on the causes of economic growth and job expansion as well. [He’s also unabashedly and unapologetically patriotic. – L.L.]

A few days back, former host of Dirty Jobs and national treasure Mike Rowe called schools that refuse to fly the American flag yet are happy to accept federal money hypocritical. He argued that such schools, pointing out Hampshire College in particular, benefit from taking students’ federal financial aid because it allows them to raise their tuition costs.

His responses stemmed from an event in which students at Hampshire College burned an American flag, resulting in the president removing all flags from campus. His opinions about Old Glory seemed to strike a nerve with one of his fans, and she thought it a sound idea to let him know about it, calling him “blindly patriotic”. We’re guessing she regrets it.

“How did you become so blindly patriotic? First of all, the college you were referencing in your rant about the American flag is a private college and doesn’t receive federal funding. However…the very essence of freedom in this country is our right to speak out against the flag, which is a mere symbol. If you take away that right, then we have lost all freedom. You really need to take a civics course, Mike Rowe. I used to like you; but, you have really become very annoying to me in recent years. I thought you were more intelligent. But, I guess appearances aren’t everything.”

Hi Susanne

I’ve never thought of myself as “blindly patriotic,” but I am a fan of the United States, the founding fathers, and the men and women who have served on my behalf. I also confess to feeling lucky to live here. Having said that, I think you’re correct about the flag; it’s only a symbol. So too is the Crucifix. And the middle finger. And the Swastika. And the compressed chunks of carbon that millions wear on their ring fingers as expressions of timeless love and eternal devotion.

It’s easy to make anything feel small and silly by reducing it to its chemical composition or its various component parts. But if you really believe our flag is nothing but a “mere symbol,” equally suitable for flying or burning, ask yourself if you’d be comfortable if the people you work with suddenly started coming to the office in pointy white hats fashioned from bedsheets? Would that be a problem for you? Or how about The Rainbow Flag, favored by the LGBTQ community? Would it be OK if people started burning that? If not, why not? I mean, it’s only a symbol, right?

Years ago, an artist named Andres Serrano presented a charming piece called “Immersion.” It consisted of a Crucifix, immersed in a glass of the artist’s urine. Amazingly, some people were offended. Christians, in particular. They just couldn’t see that Andres was using a symbol to express himself. Silly Christians. Interesting though, that Andres didn’t submerge Mohammed in the same glass. I wonder why that is?”

“The thing about “mere symbols” Susanne, is that they represent “mere ideas,” and “mere ideas” are the backbone of “mere humanity.” In the case of the flag, we’re talking about ideas that are wrapped into the Constitution – a document that separates us from every other country on the planet.

Mere ideas are the reason people fight and die. Mere ideas are the reason we’re allowed to speak freely, protest publicly, bear arms, and burn the very symbol that represents those very freedoms. I didn’t suggest that you or anyone else be denied your right to fly or burn whatever flag you wish. What I failed to do, is quietly accept behavior I don’t care for. Which, if I’m not mistaken, is the same compulsion that motivates others to publicly express themselves in whatever ways they choose.

As for Hampshire College, I’m afraid you’re mistaken. If you check the link I provided in my original post, you’ll see that several forms of federal funding are readily available to their students. Also, according to their site, you’ll notice that the flag is once again flying at full staff. I’ll take no credit for this, if you offer no blame. Deal?

Finally, regarding my overall annoyance, you’re correct, and you’re not alone. I’ve been annoying people for years now. Just ask my mother. And yes, I too, once thought I was more intelligent than I actually am. I still remember the disappointment when the test results come back.
Anyway, thanks for your comments, Susanne. I do hope you’ll stick around.

Mike

Well done Mike! Semper Fi. ‘Nuff said right there.

Except for….

As we grow older, our Christmas List grows smaller and we realize that the things we really want can’t be bought. 

And one of those “most-wanted” Christmas gifts is the gift of health.  As we get older, we lose more and more of those closest to us.  It’s a fact of life.  So many of my friends and loved ones are suffering this time of year, from health issues to emotional issues or both.

If I had a magic lamp and could wish whatever wish I wished, then I would wish that all of you out there who suffer pain day to day could find relief.  This is a crappy time of year for those of us with pain, and I hope and pray that all of you can find some relief, even if just for a short time.

Now, let’s get to it!  For laughter is the best medicine.

 

This perfectly describes me:

Too old for Snapchat, too young for Life Alert.

It’s that in-between age where you don’t get along with your seniors and they are getting fewer and fewer in number and you don’t understand your juniors and they look at you like an odd antique in a museum.

So, let’s review our mantra…

Wait!!  No!  Not that mantra!  THIS mantra:

Yeah, okay, that’s better.  And if that doesn’t work, “Load, Aim, Fire!” On to more laughter…

When we were kids, we had “banana” seats on our “stingray” bikes

And you can still buy them!  So, why are we torturing ourselves with those OTHER seats?  Let’s put baseball cards in the spokes, held on with wooden clothes pins, and make our stingrays ROAR!!

Okay, so yeah….. Alzheimer’s isn’t my problem, but probably something to do with childhood regression.

Yup, that horrible time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s where every single ounce of weight that was sweated off with hard work, comes right back in an afternoon and brings his friends.

 

Since I’m working on this part yesterday…well … yesterday for you, today for me … okay, we’re not gonna do the whole time thing again.  My head still hurts because of it.  So, let me start again.

Since I’m working on this part on Friday, I thought this next little ditty most appropriate.

Yup, I don’t care what day it is…it rhymes with Vodka.

There would be so many less charges of domestic violence if more people learned this lesson.

It’s getting really close!  Is everybody ready?  No??!!  You mean I’m not the only one.

I tried that once…selling my body on the street…I owed more money than ever when I was done.

Dear Santa,
Does naughty count if you do it very nicely?

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But ten extra pounds on hip, thigh and rear.

Dear Santa,
This year please give me a big, fat bank account and a slim body.  Please don’t mix those two up like you did last year.
Thanks,

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

Now that’s a great present in your stocking!

And that qualifies as an entry into the “Nothing Surprises Me Anymore” category.

I’ve never really played the game a whole lot, but this video brings ping pong to a whole new level:

Okay, so I admit it.

Here are some really great signs seen around town.

Understating the obvious?

Makes you wonder what they do with the Authorized ones?

But…. oh, never mind!

Okay, this is an old one written by Dave Barry.  No, I don’t know anyone getting ready to go through one and it’s not a national holiday or anything, it’s just really funny.

You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

‘Ha ha,’ I said.  And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.  If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like..

I have no idea.  Really.  I slept through it.  One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent.  I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

 

Okay, so we gave ping pong a chance with their trick shots, so we’ve got to do golf…

I know that Lethal normally gives you these types of warnings of scams, but at this time of year, I thought that it was more important to get the information out to you as quickly as possible.  Besides, Lethal has pretty much taught me everything I know.

Oh Gods!  Don’t be telling them that!  They’ll just be thinking what a terrible teacher I am!

Okay, then how about, the poor, pathetic amount I know can be attributed directly to Lethal’s stellar …. no …. wait….um. the little I know… no.  um…

Look you imbecilic lizard, if it twasn’t for me hard work and dogged determination to get anything to stick in that walnut sized brain of yours you’d barely be able to sign on to your favorite dragon porn site!

And there you have it! 

So, anyway, scams and warnings…

If you’re like me, you do a lot of shopping on line.  I am an avid Amazon shopper.  Well, the bad guys don’t take the holidays off and they use the fact that more and more of us are shopping on line to get into your financial undies.  This from Kim Komando’s website

Holiday cheer isn’t the only thing spreading this time of year. Phishing scams are also on the rise. These scams are especially successful in November and December because we do so much online shopping for gifts.

When you order a package, it’s not uncommon to receive emails from the sender about the status of the delivery. And, usually, those emails are the first ones you open. Especially, if you can’t wait for the arrival of your package.

But what if you saw an email in your inbox that said there were problems with your delivery? Right now, scammers are assuming what your natural reaction will be, and hoping you’ll click anything to find out what’s delaying things.

Note: This isn’t the only tactic scammers use to fool you. They misspell theURLs of our favorite retailer sites to lure us to phishing sites. They also send fake Amazon and Paypal emails to get our account information.

If you see an email claiming that your package can’t be delivered, double check the sender’s credentials before you click any links in the message or open any attachments. Does the email mention you by name? Does it include your actual order number?

Scammers will use an address similar to the company’s name and even company logos to fool you. The delivery services have caught on to these scams and they want you to report them. FedEx has examples of fraud emails on their site and UPS has an entire PDF file of fraudulent email examples. If you see any emails in your inbox with these subject lines, proceed with caution:

• We could not deliver your parcel, #00556030
• Please Confirm Your DHL Shipment
• Problems with item delivery, n.000834069
• Delivery Receipt | Confirm Awb no:XXX830169
• Your order is ready to be delivered
• Courier was unable to deliver the parcel, ID00990381
• Your DHL isher please download attachment to view detail and confirmation of your  address

What happens if you fall for it?

If you’re tricked by these email scams, there are a few different, undesirable scenarios. The link could take you to a phishing site that requests your account information (logins and credit card details). This site will look very similar to the legitimate site you intended to reach.

The other possible result is that attachments or malicious links could be hiding malware. If you click and accidentally install this malicious software, your device could be infected with software that spies on you, or you could even be hit by ransomware.

I’m not going to repeat the entire article here, there has to be something left for the student to pursue as homework.  Follow this link for the rest of the article and several good links to other articles by Kim.
http://www.komando.com/happening-now/382810/fake-package-delivery-notices-could-be-a-scam?utm_medium=nl&utm_source=notd&utm_content=2016-12-09-article-title

Even though the election is over, it’s still one of my favorite topics on Dragon Laffs
I understand freedom of speech and freedom of expression, but I have the freedom to express my displeasure over your choice of freedom of expression

There are so many possibilities for this form….I think I’ll get them printed out.

Is there any one of you out there who doubts the truth of that statement?

Well, I’m running out of time to publish this issue and there is a couple of things I wanted to mention.  The first is the possibility of winter weather in our near future.  My weather guy on base has many different programs and models that he uses to guess … I mean “predict” what the weather is going to do.  He says that beginning on Saturday evening all the way through to Tuesday of next week, we could get some serious snow.  Serious is anywhere from 5 inches to 18 inches, depending on which model you trust.  This morning (Friday) it was 20 degrees with a wind chill of 4.  In technical weather language that is “Friggin’ Cold!”

Currently it’s 24 and feels like 18.  Damn!  It’s a heat wave!

Okay, so I guess that’s the only thing I wanted to say.  So, let’s do some ….

And meanwhile in Dragon Laffs…..

Be safe and warm and happy my dear friends.