As we grow older, our Christmas List grows smaller and we realize that the things we really want can’t be bought.
And one of those “most-wanted” Christmas gifts is the gift of health. As we get older, we lose more and more of those closest to us. It’s a fact of life. So many of my friends and loved ones are suffering this time of year, from health issues to emotional issues or both.
If I had a magic lamp and could wish whatever wish I wished, then I would wish that all of you out there who suffer pain day to day could find relief. This is a crappy time of year for those of us with pain, and I hope and pray that all of you can find some relief, even if just for a short time.
Now, let’s get to it! For laughter is the best medicine.
This perfectly describes me:
Too old for Snapchat, too young for Life Alert.
It’s that in-between age where you don’t get along with your seniors and they are getting fewer and fewer in number and you don’t understand your juniors and they look at you like an odd antique in a museum.
Yeah, okay, that’s better. And if that doesn’t work, “Load, Aim, Fire!” On to more laughter…
And you can still buy them! So, why are we torturing ourselves with those OTHER seats? Let’s put baseball cards in the spokes, held on with wooden clothes pins, and make our stingrays ROAR!!
Okay, so yeah….. Alzheimer’s isn’t my problem, but probably something to do with childhood regression.
Yup, that horrible time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s where every single ounce of weight that was sweated off with hard work, comes right back in an afternoon and brings his friends.
Since I’m working on this part yesterday…well … yesterday for you, today for me … okay, we’re not gonna do the whole time thing again. My head still hurts because of it. So, let me start again.
Yup, I don’t care what day it is…it rhymes with Vodka.
There would be so many less charges of domestic violence if more people learned this lesson.
It’s getting really close! Is everybody ready? No??!! You mean I’m not the only one.
I tried that once…selling my body on the street…I owed more money than ever when I was done.
Does naughty count if you do it very nicely?
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But ten extra pounds on hip, thigh and rear.
This year please give me a big, fat bank account and a slim body. Please don’t mix those two up like you did last year.
A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their nooner – it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn’t getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.
“Homer,” said the doctor, “just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you’re in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene’s signal to come out to you. Then you won’t lose any field time.”
They tried Doc’s advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came back to the doctor’s office…
“What’s wrong?” asked the Doc. “Didn’t my idea work?”
“Oh, it worked real good,” said Homer. “Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene’d come runnin’. We’d find a secluded place, make love, and then she’d go back home again.”
“Good, Homer. So what’s the problem?” asked the Doc.
“I ain’t seen her since huntin’ season started.”
Now that’s a great present in your stocking!
And that qualifies as an entry into the “Nothing Surprises Me Anymore” category.
I’ve never really played the game a whole lot, but this video brings ping pong to a whole new level:
Okay, so I admit it.
Here are some really great signs seen around town.
Understating the obvious?
Makes you wonder what they do with the Authorized ones?
But…. oh, never mind!
Okay, this is an old one written by Dave Barry. No, I don’t know anyone getting ready to go through one and it’s not a national holiday or anything, it’s just really funny.
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like..
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
Okay, so we gave ping pong a chance with their trick shots, so we’ve got to do golf…
I know that Lethal normally gives you these types of warnings of scams, but at this time of year, I thought that it was more important to get the information out to you as quickly as possible. Besides, Lethal has pretty much taught me everything I know.
Oh Gods! Don’t be telling them that! They’ll just be thinking what a terrible teacher I am!
Okay, then how about, the poor, pathetic amount I know can be attributed directly to Lethal’s stellar …. no …. wait….um. the little I know… no. um…
Look you imbecilic lizard, if it twasn’t for me hard work and dogged determination to get anything to stick in that walnut sized brain of yours you’d barely be able to sign on to your favorite dragon porn site!
And there you have it!
So, anyway, scams and warnings…
If you’re like me, you do a lot of shopping on line. I am an avid Amazon shopper. Well, the bad guys don’t take the holidays off and they use the fact that more and more of us are shopping on line to get into your financial undies. This from Kim Komando’s website
Holiday cheer isn’t the only thing spreading this time of year. Phishing scams are also on the rise. These scams are especially successful in November and December because we do so much online shopping for gifts.
What happens if you fall for it?
I’m not going to repeat the entire article here, there has to be something left for the student to pursue as homework. Follow this link for the rest of the article and several good links to other articles by Kim.
Even though the election is over, it’s still one of my favorite topics on Dragon Laffs
I understand freedom of speech and freedom of expression, but I have the freedom to express my displeasure over your choice of freedom of expression
Is there any one of you out there who doubts the truth of that statement?
Well, I’m running out of time to publish this issue and there is a couple of things I wanted to mention. The first is the possibility of winter weather in our near future. My weather guy on base has many different programs and models that he uses to guess … I mean “predict” what the weather is going to do. He says that beginning on Saturday evening all the way through to Tuesday of next week, we could get some serious snow. Serious is anywhere from 5 inches to 18 inches, depending on which model you trust. This morning (Friday) it was 20 degrees with a wind chill of 4. In technical weather language that is “Friggin’ Cold!”
Currently it’s 24 and feels like 18. Damn! It’s a heat wave!
Okay, so I guess that’s the only thing I wanted to say. So, let’s do some ….
And meanwhile in Dragon Laffs…..
Be safe and warm and happy my dear friends.