Dragon Laffs #1517

As we grow older, our Christmas List grows smaller and we realize that the things we really want can’t be bought.

And one of those “most-wanted” Christmas gifts is the gift of health. As we get older, we lose more and more of those closest to us. It’s a fact of life. So many of my friends and loved ones are suffering this time of year, from health issues to emotional issues or both.

If I had a magic lamp and could wish whatever wish I wished, then I would wish that all of you out there who suffer pain day to day could find relief. This is a crappy time of year for those of us with pain, and I hope and pray that all of you can find some relief, even if just for a short time.

Now, let’s get to it! For laughter is the best medicine.

This perfectly describes me:

Too old for Snapchat, too young for Life Alert.

It’s that in-between age where you don’t get along with your seniors and they are getting fewer and fewer in number and you don’t understand your juniors and they look at you like an odd antique in a museum.

So, let’s review our mantra…

Wait!! No! Not that mantra! THIS mantra:

Yeah, okay, that’s better. And if that doesn’t work, “Load, Aim, Fire!” On to more laughter…

When we were kids, we had “banana” seats on our “stingray” bikes

And you can still buy them! So, why are we torturing ourselves with those OTHER seats? Let’s put baseball cards in the spokes, held on with wooden clothes pins, and make our stingrays ROAR!!

Okay, so yeah….. Alzheimer’s isn’t my problem, but probably something to do with childhood regression.

Yup, that horrible time between Thanksgiving and New Year’s where every single ounce of weight that was sweated off with hard work, comes right back in an afternoon and brings his friends.

Since I’m working on this part yesterday…well … yesterday for you, today for me … okay, we’re not gonna do the whole time thing again. My head still hurts because of it. So, let me start again.

Since I’m working on this part on Friday, I thought this next little ditty most appropriate.

Yup, I don’t care what day it is…it rhymes with Vodka.

There would be so many less charges of domestic violence if more people learned this lesson.

It’s getting really close! Is everybody ready? No??!! You mean I’m not the only one.

I tried that once…selling my body on the street…I owed more money than ever when I was done.

Dear Santa,
Does naughty count if you do it very nicely?

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But ten extra pounds on hip, thigh and rear.

Dear Santa,
This year please give me a big, fat bank account and a slim body. Please don’t mix those two up like you did last year.
Thanks,

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner – it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn’t getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

“Homer,” said the doctor, “just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you’re in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene’s signal to come out to you. Then you won’t lose any field time.”

They tried Doc’s advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came back to the doctor’s office…

“What’s wrong?” asked the Doc. “Didn’t my idea work?”

“Oh, it worked real good,” said Homer. “Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene’d come runnin’. We’d find a secluded place, make love, and then she’d go back home again.”

“Good, Homer. So what’s the problem?” asked the Doc.

“I ain’t seen her since huntin’ season started.”

Now that’s a great present in your stocking!

And that qualifies as an entry into the “Nothing Surprises Me Anymore” category.

I’ve never really played the game a whole lot, but this video brings ping pong to a whole new level:

Okay, so I admit it.

Here are some really great signs seen around town.

Understating the obvious?

Makes you wonder what they do with the Authorized ones?

But…. oh, never mind!

Okay, this is an old one written by Dave Barry. No, I don’t know anyone getting ready to go through one and it’s not a national holiday or anything, it’s just really funny.

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR ARSE!’

I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America’s enemies..

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result.’

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..

At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.

You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like..

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

Okay, so we gave ping pong a chance with their trick shots, so we’ve got to do golf…

I know that Lethal normally gives you these types of warnings of scams, but at this time of year, I thought that it was more important to get the information out to you as quickly as possible. Besides, Lethal has pretty much taught me everything I know.

Oh Gods! Don’t be telling them that! They’ll just be thinking what a terrible teacher I am!

Okay, then how about, the poor, pathetic amount I know can be attributed directly to Lethal’s stellar …. no …. wait….um. the little I know… no. um…

Look you imbecilic lizard, if it twasn’t for me hard work and dogged determination to get anything to stick in that walnut sized brain of yours you’d barely be able to sign on to your favorite dragon porn site!

And there you have it!

So, anyway, scams and warnings…

If you’re like me, you do a lot of shopping on line. I am an avid Amazon shopper. Well, the bad guys don’t take the holidays off and they use the fact that more and more of us are shopping on line to get into your financial undies. This from Kim Komando’s website

Holiday cheer isn’t the only thing spreading this time of year. Phishing scams are also on the rise. These scams are especially successful in November and December because we do so much online shopping for gifts.

When you order a package, it’s not uncommon to receive emails from the sender about the status of the delivery. And, usually, those emails are the first ones you open. Especially, if you can’t wait for the arrival of your package.

But what if you saw an email in your inbox that said there were problems with your delivery? Right now, scammers are assuming what your natural reaction will be, and hoping you’ll click anything to find out what’s delaying things.

Note: This isn’t the only tactic scammers use to fool you. They misspell theURLs of our favorite retailer sites to lure us to phishing sites. They also send fake Amazon and Paypal emails to get our account information.

If you see an email claiming that your package can’t be delivered, double check the sender’s credentials before you click any links in the message or open any attachments. Does the email mention you by name? Does it include your actual order number?

Scammers will use an address similar to the company’s name and even company logos to fool you. The delivery services have caught on to these scams and they want you to report them. FedEx has examples of fraud emails on their site and UPS has an entire PDF file of fraudulent email examples. If you see any emails in your inbox with these subject lines, proceed with caution:

We could not deliver your parcel, #00556030
Please Confirm Your DHL Shipment
Problems with item delivery, n.000834069
Delivery Receipt | Confirm Awb no:XXX830169
Your order is ready to be delivered
Courier was unable to deliver the parcel, ID00990381
Your DHL isher please download attachment to view detail and confirmation of your address

What happens if you fall for it?

If you’re tricked by these email scams, there are a few different, undesirable scenarios. The link could take you to a phishing site that requests your account information (logins and credit card details). This site will look very similar to the legitimate site you intended to reach.

The other possible result is that attachments or malicious links could be hiding malware. If you click and accidentally install this malicious software, your device could be infected with software that spies on you, or you could even be hit by ransomware.

I’m not going to repeat the entire article here, there has to be something left for the student to pursue as homework. Follow this link for the rest of the article and several good links to other articles by Kim.
http://www.komando.com/happening-now/382810/fake-package-delivery-notices-could-be-a-scam?utm_medium=nl&utm_source=notd&utm_content=2016-12-09-article-title

Even though the election is over, it’s still one of my favorite topics on Dragon Laffs
I understand freedom of speech and freedom of expression, but I have the freedom to express my displeasure over your choice of freedom of expression

There are so many possibilities for this form….I think I’ll get them printed out.

Is there any one of you out there who doubts the truth of that statement?

Well, I’m running out of time to publish this issue and there is a couple of things I wanted to mention. The first is the possibility of winter weather in our near future. My weather guy on base has many different programs and models that he uses to guess … I mean “predict” what the weather is going to do. He says that beginning on Saturday evening all the way through to Tuesday of next week, we could get some serious snow. Serious is anywhere from 5 inches to 18 inches, depending on which model you trust. This morning (Friday) it was 20 degrees with a wind chill of 4. In technical weather language that is “Friggin’ Cold!”

Currently it’s 24 and feels like 18. Damn! It’s a heat wave!

Okay, so I guess that’s the only thing I wanted to say. So, let’s do some ….

And meanwhile in Dragon Laffs…..

Be safe and warm and happy my dear friends.

3 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1517

Ginny says:

December 11, 2016 at 16:38

As always, you made me laugh, but the Colonoscopy segment you managed to make me laugh, giggle and cry from laughing so hard. I agree about how you feel around the holidays. Sadness for people that no longer exist in our life, which make us miss them even more. Winter, snow, ice, wind chill factors…..give me a barbecue any day. You are so right about our Christmas lists becoming smaller and changing overtime. As a little girl, I so wanted a GINNY doll, yes there actually was a doll with my name. This year all I wanted from Santa was a mobile scooter to give me freedom to get around.in the outside world. Everyday the old body gives me a new ache or twinge in my whatever because eventually it does a full inventory of me. So when you are done with your magic lamp, would you be so kind to ship it Fed Ex and I will be careful of all the scams out there. Another thing I found that works, when you are in doubt, block and bounce message back to them…..it will never go out because their address is a scam and doesn’t exist. Great issue my friend….very enjoyable.

Henry Clark says:

December 10, 2016 at 07:23

Took me a while to stop the white dot.

- impishdragon says:
  
  December 11, 2016 at 09:35
  
  No cooperation from a white dot? Sometimes it just seems like we have no control over anything.

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