Several lap tops and tablets lay strewn about a paste up table as you enter the Conference Room where Lethal and several Dwarves appear hard at work and deep in discussion. Finally taking notice of you Lethal cuts off the objections of the Dwarves, whom you now identify as printers by their ink stained aprons and beards, with a curt “ Look, that’s what I want, that’s what I need and that’s what the issue deserves. Find a way to make it happen. I don’t care about the problems, it’s the Memorial Day issue and we  are going to do right by those guys or I know a couple of dwarves destine for the dragon shite shoveling crew for the next year. You feeling me?”

Rapidly bobbing beards accompany a brief mad scramble during which the dwarves assemble their mock ups and hastily exit stage left to carry out their orders.

Lethal straightens his tie and jacket, shoots his cuffs, grabs his ever present coffee cup and heads to the podium. “Sorry about that, as you no doubt suspect I’m already hard at work on the Memorial Day issue. Speak of which I have a housekeeping announcement regarding the Scheduling for issues at the end of the month. As Memorial Day falls on Monday the 30th I will be posting our annual issue on Saturday the 28th after regular issue issue for Wednesday May 25th. Impish will then be posting on Wednesday June first and again on Saturday June 4th. Things will get back to normal ( a term I use in it’s loosest connotations regaining this place) the following week.”

As he begins to express a new thought a chime is heard coming from his vest.

“Excuse me a moment.”   He reaches for his vest and consults his phone. Suddenly the widest grin you’ve seen in some time spreads across his face. “It’s here! Start with out me! I have to go take delivery of my new Giant coffee cup.”

Finally my new coffee cup arrives! Now where the hell is the bloody tanker that’s supposed to fill it for me?

I’m glad I listened to my coffee, because I DID do her err… it… 3 times in fact!

A final picture I got too late for last weeks issue. This occurred last Monday while I was waiting for our ‘significant weather event’ to materialize. As I said last week, the brunt of  it went well North of us. This is a photo of the damage done by the brunt.

Wylie is a suburb of Dallas and those holes you’re looking at are blown through half inch plywood. Me personally, we ever buy a house I’m redoing the roof immediately in standing seam metal roofing as well as upping the roof decking to 3/4 inch MDX! The half inch plywood can go over the ceilings joists to keep the hail from continuing thru the sheetrock ceilings!

With Cruz and Kasich dropping out of the US presidential race in the last 24 hours,
we’re now down to three main candidates, and many Americans will likely be holding
their nose as they vote for one of them.

Surely there has to be SOMEBODY else.

The Top 5 Better Candidates for President

1. Beyonce: Because at this point, Congress can only be forced to do their job by a baseball-bat-wielding jilted woman.
2. Stephen King: Because politics in 2016 isn’t scary enough on its own.
3. Bill Cosby: Not only will the Russians sign off on unilaterally disarming, but they’ll wake up with no memory of having done so.
4. Oprah Winfrey: “YOU get a tax break and YOU get a tax break and YOU get a tax break!”

And the Number One Better Candidate for President…

1. Punxsutawney Phil: Let’s get this over with —- either global warming or six more millennia of nuclear winter.

Copyright © 1994–2016 Chris White All rights reserved.

“Politically Unbalanced” | Jeff Dunham

 

 

Case in point…

While shopping for vacation clothes, Impish and Mrs. Dragon passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since Mrs. Dragon had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought  Impish’s advice. ‘What do you think?’ she asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’ 
‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’  
He’s still in intensive care.

Alan King Survived By His Wife

 

I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslim girl with the most amazingly colored parrot perched on her shoulder.

“Where did you get that from?” I asked.

“Germany. There’s fricking thousands of ’em!” said the parrot.

Bacon is Better than Lettuce?

A new study claims that eating lettuce could be three times worse for the environment than bacon.

The study, conducted by researchers at Carnegie Mellon University, compares the greenhouse gas emissions from the production of 1,000 calories of different foods.

On a per-calorie status, many of the “healthier” foods that the USDA promotes in their guidelines, like fruits, vegetables, dairy, and seafood, are resource-intensive per calorie.

Eating lettuce is three times more harmful to the environment than eating bacon.

The example used earlier, lettuce, produces three times more greenhouse gas emissions than bacon.

Lettuce has so few calories that it would require someone to eat at least two whole iceberg lettuces to come close to the caloric intake equal to two slices of smoked back bacon. As a result, emissions from transporting lettuce are much higher per calorie than pork.

“There’s a complex relationship between diet and the environment,” Michelle Tom, a Ph. D. student in civil and environmental engineering, told Carnegie Mellon News. “What is good for us health-wise isn’t always what’s best for the environment. That’s important for public officials to know and for them to be cognizant of these tradeoffs as they develop or continue to develop dietary guidelines in the future.”

If Americans were to switch their diet to adhere to the Agriculture Department’s 2010 dietary recommendations, it would result in a 38 percent increase in energy use, a 10 percent rise in water use, and a 6 percent jump in greenhouse gas emissions, the study finds.

But this isn’t to say that all vegetables are bad and negatively impacting the environment. Foods like onions, okra, carrots, broccoli, and Brussels sprouts all leave a less significant environmental mark. Lettuce, however, is more difficult to grow, harvest, and transport, and, in turn require significant amounts of water and energy to produce.

The study was set out to find if the obesity epidemic in America is negatively affecting the environment. Though it’s true that weight loss and consuming fewer calories reduces energy use, the USDA’s recommendations for healthy eating (more greens and less meats) isn’t exactly the best thing for climate change, says the San Francisco Chronicle

A woman goes to her gynecologist. 

“What seems to be the problem?” asked her doctor.

“Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina.”

The doctor had a look, then chuckled before she said

“Those aren’t postage stamps my dear, they’re the stickers off the bananas”

Recently there was an amateur art contest in the Netherlands, and people were invited to create a work of art depicting the current era of multiculturalism in Europe — a depiction of their experience in the modern ‘melting pot’.  This was the winner: 

 

Good Morning Campers,

Today is Monday.  I was going to start this issue yesterday, but that was Sunday…a day of rest … and I mowed the lawn, weedeated the lawn, cleaned the filters on the pond, cleaned the filters on the pond again (long story, don’t ask), helped with the laundry, vacuumed the floor, fixed the Wii for Izzy Dragon, cleaned out part of the shed, and … and … that’s enough.  LOL.  Since we had our Darts awards ceremony on Saturday, I had to squeeze everything else on Sunday, because alcohol and throwing sharp pointy objects just doesn’t leave room for anything else.

Did I win an award?

Yup.  My team won third place for the season and I personally won third place on most “rounds of”.  Now, if you don’t play darts, you may not know what “rounds of” is.  But, if you are familiar with the term, you know it’s not that big a deal.

Anyway, that was my weekend and today I have to go to work, so we better get started on the funny stuff or it’s going to be a long, sad day.

I’m not sure I’d like to emulate Steve Rogers, he’s a bit of a mammby-pammby, goodie-two-shoes.  But, the shield and the body transformation would be cool.

Now it’s Tuesday….and it’s darts night!  The last match of the season.  We don’t have a shot at first place, but we are very close to the team that’s in second place and we play them as the last match.  So, suffice to say that we are masters of our own destiny.

It’s also voting day today in Indiana, I’ll be really curious to see who wins and how it affects the overall political race.

But really, let’s laugh some more.

No matter which side you are on in the matter of renaming the Washington Redskins, this is funny. This guy is hilarious…

Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.

Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward. Let’s ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns. The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60’s alive. Gone. It’s offensive to us white folk. The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men’s lives. I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres. Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates! Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children. The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children. The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.

The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves. As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women’s athletic teams to something other than “the Beavers (especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers??? I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the “Foreskins” to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Congress.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

Well, not really sure whether these guys are dragons or not, but they sure are cute!

Well, it’s Wednesday morning and what a night last night.  We got our butts kicked in Darts, so we stay in third place, we had elections for our league board and I was elected to one of the positions, Donald Trump took Indiana and forced Cruz right out of the race!  Holy cow.  What a jam-packed day it was!

And today…oh my goodness…today!  Let me see if I can give you a hint to what today is.

Okay, so that’s a little more than a hint, but today is 4 May, so I say to you all….”May the Fourth Be With You.”  And tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo.  And no, I won’t tell the really stupid joke about the boat sinking with all the mayonnaise on board.

Okay, this next one is a little harder…what day is today?  Here’s your hint.

That’s right!  4 May is also National Orange Juice Day!!  Put a little Jim Beam in there and I’m all set for breakfast.

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth

 

Ginny just sent me this picture with the question, “Is this true?”

Ginny, it’s more true than you could ever know.  I personally know, for a fact, that I-465 (The interstate that runs around the city of Indianapolis) has had construction somewhere on it’s fifty some odd miles since I’ve moved to Indiana…and that was 27 years ago.  So yes, the orange cones and orange barrels are quite common in Indiana.  It does not surprise me at all to find out they’ve been named our state flower.  Heywood Banks from the Bob and Tom Show even wrote a song about it.

And of course, watching this one will lead to many more Bob and Tom videos and many more hours.  Good luck to you all.

So, since we started showing videos, let’s go to our next section which of course is:

You will be amazed what this guy can do with a chain saw and a stump

So, the Game of Thrones new season is finally here!  I know a LOT of you are fans.  So this prank put on by one of the shows main characters should have you rolling in the aisles.

And, if you are like me, you’ll spend the next couple of hours watching the “Funniest Moments” “Game of Thrones Bloopers” and many, many Game of Thrones videos that follow after the one you just watched.

And this one I just had to share.  Can you survive 4 minutes of Hillary?

 

Did you find it easy to survive the 4 minutes?  Did you even finish to the end?  Then how in the world are you going to survive 4 years?!

This one is from Kim Komando, and it’s quite interesting. Let’s take a look at Words We Invented by Getting Them Wrong.

And one more…how about words that are their own opposites?

And what better fantasy pix to show then Arya Stark

When Game of Thrones first came out, we tried to hire the Stark family to do a little moon-lighting for us.  Had we known so many of them were going to die off so quickly we would never have wasted our money.

I only say “bless you” twice.  If you sneeze a third time, I assume it didn’t take and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.

And we’re up to Friday.  Cinco de Mayo.  Happy Cinco de Mayo everyone!
So, really, I don’t know much more about it than that.

While I finish up a few more things around here, you guys go ahead and continue to work your way through this wonderfully funny, intelligent, witty, dammit Terrance!!!  Knock it off before I give you a huge raise.  FIRE YOUR ASS!!

I saw this on Kim Komando’s web site www.komando.com/ and just had to share it with you guys.
Windows 10 is about to slap you with a $119 charge
Wait!  What the heck happened to:

Well, this is what Kim has to say about it:
Microsoft says its newest version, Windows 10, has been downloaded 300 million times in less than a year. There are good reasons for that. Windows 10 is fast, safe and it’ll soon have browser extensions that diehard Windows users have been asking for for years.

Another great thing about Windows 10 is that the Windows 10 upgrade from Windows 7 and Windows 8.1 is absolutely, 100% free. You pay nothing, nada, zippo.

That is, you pay nothing if you act really fast. If you don’t upgrade your Windows to Windows 10 by July 29, you’ll have to pay $119 to get it. And, if you’re a PC user, you should get it.

You get the idea.  If you wish to read the rest of the article you can do so here

Hmm, and I have my grandchildren coming round tomorrow!  Good Fun!!!  I can’t wait to see them.  Actually, by the time you read this, on Saturday, they’ll probably already be here.

I’m getting so many wonderful contributions for this section that I could fill several issues with  nothing but these Political Poppers.  But, if you’re like me, after a short while, even as funny as they are, they start to  get depressing.
I really wish Dr. Carson hadn’t dropped out of the race so quickly.  I think he would’ve been a really good candidate.

No kidding!

That’s a really good question.  Now I’m hearing on TV this morning that Hillary is innocent of any wrong doing?  WTF is up with that??  I sure hope I misheard or was asleep and having a nightmare or something.

“Absolutely.  It makes perfect sense to me.  The other two horrible people must be wrong!”, said absolutely no one!

Dude, that’s every woman, every time.

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf.

One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority – figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning.”

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off of.”

The second guy says, “I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”

The third guy says “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

“I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning – golf course or intercourse?”

She said, “Don’t forget your hat.”‘

We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house. Because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, ‘He’s just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.’

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I said, as we drove away. ‘That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!’

The cab driver hit a parked car.

So, tomorrow is
Mother’s Day!
A day to remember and thank Mom for all the wonderful things she’s done for you.  Let’s take a look at what dragonpedia has to say about Mother’s Day.
Dragonpedia
Mother’s Day: A holiday created by the Gnomish Greeting Card Guild to make children feel guilty for treating their mum badly after they went through “36 hours of labor giving birth to your ungrateful ass!” and that guilt translating into thousands of gold pieces spent on cards that say things more sappily than they are able to themselves.
Also a day when mum gets to have the shambling tremors over watching the children burn breakfast (and/or lunch, and/or dinner) with their fingers on the speed dial for the fire brigade when the frying pan oil bursts into flames and catches her new kitchen curtains.
So, we here at DL&LL want to wish all you “mothers” out there a happy day, filled with guilt laden greeting cards, long distance collect phone calls (although there are many more of those on Father’s Day then on Mother’s Day) and smoke fumes rising from your kitchen.

Seriously, though; we truly do wish you a happy day.  And to my own dear “Mom” I love you lots! From your #1 son.

I’m sitting here mid Saturday morning in our home office once again waiting for Mother Nature to empty her chamber pot on my head. We were to get more serious storms and heavy rain starting at about 1 PM yesterday with a round of T-storms, hail, high winds and a rain fall of up to 2”/hr. Then the start was pushed back until 3 Pm, then 8 PM. Our ‘significant weather event’ as they took to calling it had yet to start by the 10 PM news when I turned everything off and sought out the land of nod.

Come this morning about 7 AM I feel the urge to to momentarily surround myself with porcelain and pretend to be a downpour. As I sit up I notice that it is raining finally and at a fairly heavy rate. While this is inking in the power flickers several times before going out entirely. This sort of thing is not unusual for us and generally does last. Still, grumbling over Wednesdays 4 hour loss I reach for my nightstand drawer and extract a mini Maglite for the trip to the head as our Master Bath has no windows. The second I turn it on the power comes on. I turn it off and stand up, bang power is out again. Grab the Maglite and head now somewhat urgently for the head lights are back on. By this time I’m not taking chances, flashlight and I go into the Master Bath complete our mission and return. In that space of time the power has gone on and off 3 more time.

Over the course of the next hour the power would go out a total of 12 times (Molly was keeping score), before finally and thankfully remaining on as the storm cell over us moved on.

As I finish writing this on Monday I’m happy to report that our ‘significant weather event’ turned out to basically be a non event. Mother Nature decide to vent her bladder to the North of us due to some warm air that remained stubbornly entrenched over us making most of Houston look, feel and smell like a bayou swamp. Allegedly this is supposed to move out soon and we’re supposed to return to our normal seasonal temps of about 10 degrees cooler though so far I can’t say I see it happening in the forecast.

So while you start the issue, I’m off to put away my rain and flood gear again. Enjoy.

 

Science just found another good reason to drink six cups of coffee a day

Swilling down six steaming cups of espresso a day doesn’t just bring you incredible good times – it’s good for your health, too.

Researchers found that swilling down the hefty dose of coffee improved liver health in mice – reversing non-alcoholic fatty liver disease – and meant that mice gained less weight.

Last year, Harvard researchers found that drinking up to five cups of coffee a day had various big health benefits.

Researchers from the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health found that people who drank three to five cups per day (decaf or not) had a lower risk of cardiovascular disease, neurological diseases, type 2 diabetes, and suicide.

‘Previous studies have confirmed how coffee can reverse the damage of NAFLD but this is the first to demonstrate that it can influence the permeability of the intestine,’ said Vincenzo Lembo, at the University of Napoli, Italy and study author.

‘The results also show that coffee can reverse NAFLD-related problems such as ballooning degeneration, a form of liver cell degeneration.’

Over Six Feet of Rain Has Swamped Parts of the South the Past 12 Months

[Just incase you think I’ve been relating Texas sized tales about our weather]

Over the past 12 months, parts of Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Alabama and the Florida panhandle have picked up over six feet of precipitation, and there’s more heavy rain on the way for some of these waterlogged locations.

Through April 26, 2016, just over one dozen locations in the South had picked up over 72 inches of precipitation since late April 2015, including:

• League City, Texas (NWS-Houston office): 82.86 inches [part of SW Greater Houston]
• Mobile, Alabama: 82.10 inches
• Baton Rouge, Louisiana: 80.41 inches
• Pensacola, Florida: 75.76 inches
• Monroe, Louisiana: 74.11 inches

Certainly the Gulf Coast and Deep South see spells of locally heavy rain every year, thanks to slow-moving thunderstorm clusters and landfalling tropical cyclones.

But these 12-month totals are on par with average yearly rainfall in wetter parts of Puerto Rico, not the southern mainland United States.

Some precipitation surpluses in the southern Plains, Lower Mississippi Valley, and Southeast over the past 12 months are over 20 inches.

Precipitation departure from average, in inches, over the 12-month period ending April 26, 2016 in the southern U.S. Pink-shaded areas have at least 20-inch precipitation surpluses since late April 2015. (HPRCC)

According to the Southeast Regional Climate Center, a number of locations in the central U.S. had their wettest “12-month period ending April 26” on record, not just restricted to the Deep South:

Some Cities With Record Wet “12-Month Periods Ending April 26”

12-month rainfall ending April 26, 2016 (inches)  Departure from average (inches)

Austin (Bergstrom), Texas  58.21  +26.06

Dallas-Ft. Worth    59.26  +23.12

Houston (Bush)  74.32  +24.55  [that would be me folks]

Monroe, Louisiana  74.11  +20.09

Okla. City, Oklahoma  57.15  +20.68

Rapid City, South Dakota  27.47  +11.18

St. Louis  56.63  +15.76

Topeka, Kansas  53.21  +16.75

It’s no wonder we’ve seen a number of flood events since last spring, including most recently, a massive Houston flash flood swamping at least 3,500 homes and, a small-scale but destructive flash flood in Gulfport and Biloxi, Mississippi.

[This took place about 4 miles from me and rapidly grew dicey as the waters quickly surged to the limits of the capabilities of the rescue vehicles to ford.]

Daughtry At: Guitar Center “Long Live Rock & Roll”

President Trump

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don’t know where to start with providing help to rebuild.The rest of the world is in shock.

Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.

Latin American countries are sending clothing.

New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

  The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two million replacement Muslims.

What a guy!

Johnny Rivers – Slow Dancing

 

Never mind the mirror! Objects in the window are closer than they appear!!

Stranger leaves a giant tip and changes a single mom’s life

Earlier this month a mysterious man paid for a meals of 7 families and left a $1,500 tip for his waitress who was a single mother at a Denny’s in Utah. The Facebook page Love What Matters shared the story and lots of people were wonder who that man was.

NBC News was able to track the man down and apparently, he does this pretty often saying, “I’ve done this many times, but this is the one that got out.”

When asked why he specifically wanted to help out a single mother, he responded, “I grew up with a single mother of six. We were poor and homeless a lot. I watched and suffered for years as I watched her work her hands to the bone to give us a good life. She raised us to be kind and help others. Many years down the road, I was facing prison and getting in trouble. It ended up causing me to lose my family because I was a really terrible person.”

The man has since turned his life around and now runs a successful business. He says it is time to “pay it back.”

EASY – Hardrock Comes Easy

 

Il Padrino – (The Godfather original song)

 

Impish Dragon finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, Lethal Leprechaun who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer ‘Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is‘. The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper: “Where is the money?”

The bookkeeper signs back: ‘I don’t know what you are talking about‘. The Lethal tells Impish: ‘He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about‘.  Impish incensed goes all Big Blue in front of the bookkeeper, licks bookkeeper’s temple as if tasting him and says, ‘Ask him again!‘ The Lethal signs to the bookkeeper: ‘He’ll eat you if you don’t tell him!‘ The bookkeeper signs back: ‘OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Ginny’s backyard in Jersey!‘

Impish asks the Lethal: ‘Well, what’d he say?‘

The attorney replies: ‘He says you don’t have the scales to do it and if you do, he hopes you choke on him and die‘.

Good Morning Campers,

Today is Sunday.  Almost a week before this issue will be posted.  I’m trying to be good and get this started early, instead of just waiting to the last minute.  So…this is me starting early.

Today was my only day off this week and I spent just about the whole day on yard work.  Not only did it wear me out, but I’ve put such a strain on my back that I can barely move this evening.  I’ll bet tomorrow will be LOTS of fun.

Speaking of tomorrow, there may be some relief in sight.  My pain doctor is going to give me a deep spine injection to try and calm my back down a little bit.  I hope so, cause the pain meds sure ain’t cuttin’ it right now.  We’ll see.

Well, as you’re reading this, tomorrow has already happened five days ago!  So, for me writing to you, it’s not for another 21 hours, but for you it was five days in the past.  That is so cool!  So tell me…how did it go?  Did the injection work?  I hope so.  It’s been pretty hit and miss in the past when I’ve gotten one of these.

Anyway, long hard day, what do you say we start laughing a little bit?  Yup, sounds like a plan to me!

 

So, I got my shot this afternoon…I’m not overly impressed so far.  I hope to goodness I’m feeling better tomorrow than I am now. Right now, everything just friggin’ hurts, so I’m going to call it a night early tonight and get some sleep so that maybe I can get up for work tomorrow and go to my next appointment tomorrow…the foot doctor who (you remember the movie) pulled half my nail off.

I’m freaking falling apart.  LOL!

This was a gift from an avid reader.

Real quick update…Tuesday Morning…woke up this morning and everything felt pretty good!  Gonna take this baby out for a drive and see how the back holds up.  Plus, I’ve got dart league tonight.

Ain’t that the truth!

I saw this headline and I just had to share it…

PRO-HILLARY PAC ENLISTS INTERNET TROLLS TO ATTACK NEGATIVE COMMENTS ABOUT HER ON SOCIAL MEDIA
Trolls, they’re not just under bridges in fairy tales. They are everywhere on the internet. Now, a pro-Hillary Clinton SuperPAC is spending $1 million to attack negative comments on social media and, no doubt, sites like this one.
That really figures!  Hillary is such a lying truthful conniving um…sweet bitch beauty queen … what are you doing?
Trying to get a piece of that $1 million.  It’s not like you pay me well.
Terrence, they are looking for internet trolls, you’re a REAL troll.
So, shouldn’t that give me an advantage?
Quite possibly in the world of Hillary, but you don’t do it by crossing out my words in editing and putting in your own.  It means going to different websites and writing why she’s a better candidate than anyone else.
But she’s not.
So, you see the problem?
Stupid internet.

This next one is so good!  And I’ve gotten this one about a dozen times from you guys.
Oh my goodness, ain’t that the ever-lovin’ truth!!!
Dammit Terrence!  Stop already!

The very first time I’m standing outside the ladies room, waiting for my wife or daughter to come out and some guy goes in because he “thinks he should have been born with a pussy and wasn’t” him and I are BOTH going to the hospital.  He’ll be going flat out on a stretcher and I’ll be going to get my size ten and a half boot back when they surgically remove it from his ass!  Although I might just let him keep it as a reminder of the penalty for a first offense.

It’s Friday morning.  How time flies when you’re…well…working all week isn’t really “fun” but I’ve kinda grown accustomed to the finer things in life.
Like some place to sleep at night without fear of someone recycling my house when I’m away.
Like luxury items like electricity, heat, food.
Oh…wait…I know how I can do both!  I know how I can really have fun every week by not having to work so hard and by having all the money and luxury items I want!
I GOT A PLAN!
We need to elect a democrat!  Then everything will be free for everyone!
Then everything will be free for everyone!
Then everything will be free for everyone!
Why don’t I hear cheering from you guys?

Okay now look.  I was being obtuse to prove a point.  How can any thinking or even semi thinking person believe this crap?  This is really easy.

For one person to get something for free that they didn’t work for, someone else has to work for something that they didn’t get.  Unless we start throwing magic around or plant that “Free Shit” Tree, it can’t last for long!

Anyway, got to get ready to go to work.  You guys keep reading and we’ll meet up for the finale tonight.

I wish my wallet came with free-refills!

 

 

As seems to be the case lately, I’ve already gotten a large submission of videos for inclusion in this issue, and it’s only Monday!! Let’s start with this one and I must caution you, don’t try this at home, kids.

 

Okay, after this one on YouTube there is a TON more by the same guys.  And they’re all a bit strange, but really fun to watch.

This one is awesome!  How many of the stars can you name?

What a beautiful rendition.  I imagine the Duke is rolling over in his grave because of how Hollywood is today with all the left wing, socialist morons there now.

And this last one is one of my favorite outtakes from one of my favorite shows…

 

A  lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”
“Sure,” answered the lady, “do you need a lift?”
“Not for me.  I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.  My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo.  They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day.  Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?  I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”
“I’d be happy to,” said the lady.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!  There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.  With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
“What are you doing here?” he demanded!  “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”
“Yes, I know you did,” said the lady.  “But we had money left over so now we’re going to Sea World.”

 

LUNCH TIME!!!!!

A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
He answered, “Call for backup.”

 

 

Did you know that if you put your ear up against a stranger’s leg you can hear, “What the fuck are you doing?”

 

Okay, so that last line was completely unnecessary.

Funny as hell, but unnecessary.

Well, I came home from work today (Friday) not feeling very well, so I’m going to end this here and wish you all a wonderful weekend.

Originally when I crafted this opening banner I was talking about Tax Season and my busy time of the year working. I had planned on a well deserved glass of a new (to me) Irish Whiskey that Molly had discovered as well as what Impish would term a ‘smoky treat’ while lounging in comfort on my patio and reading solely for enjoyment.

Yeah, right. It wound up being Memorial Day Weekend 2015 all over again plus some. I can only imagine what it would have been like were it not for the drainage improvements made here during the last year. MY guess- I’d be writing this from some Red Cross supplied motel room.

Rain fell in two main waves: the first storm system paused over the area late on April 17, and the second moved slowly across the region early on April 18. For storms like this one to form, conditions in the atmosphere have to come together in just the right way. A bubble of high pressure blocked the eastward advance of a low pressure system and caused storm systems to stall. Fed by moisture moving north from the Gulf of Mexico, thunderstorms grew over Texas and delivered the intense rainfall.

On April 18, a record was set at George Bush Intercontinental Airport—Houston’s official observation site since 1969. According to the National Weather Service, ground-based measurements indicate that 9.92 inches fell on that day, breaking the record of 8.16 inches set in 1976. It also made April 2016 the wettest April ever measured at that site.

And yet its still not over.

Its over a week later and everything still isn’t finally over. As I write this on Tuesday afternoon, we’re expecting more rain in the form of Thunder Storms tonight and into the day tomorrow with no clear indication at present of how much we can expect to receive. Rain and showers have been on our forecast at least every other days since. On average we receive and 1/8th to 1/4 inch with each successive rain fall.

Early the morning of the 18th we began to see wet carpet in our home office which I now share with Molly as her studies are demanding a more formal setting for her to work in as opposed to her preferred Lap top and lazy boy with cat on her thigh location for studying. Anything that could be damaged by water was moved out or moved to higher ground atop furniture in the room. Then at approximately 4 Am we saw (or actually couldn’t see because the power went out) the flooding start to show in Molly’s bathroom as well.

Brief power outages of up to an hour are not a rare occurrence in our neck of the woods, however the 30 hours sans power was a rare occurrence. It was the longest we’ve been with out power since the 62 hours we went without during Hurricane Ike. We lost everything in the freezer (which was dead full) and refrigerator.

Wet feet, cold showers,  no hot meals from lack of power and already being in a run down condition meant that both Molly and I came down with what Molly’s Doctor said was a severe cold and my called a slight upper respiratory infection. Remember our office flooded Monday at 4Am; due to the lack of power and difficulty getting around (The Mayor had placed a Bann on being on streets unless it was absolutely necessary and Molly stayed home Monday as getting to work for her was a gamble due to rising flood waters) we saw no one from property management until later in the afternoon Tuesday when the came thru to do a damage assessment  and it was late Wednesday before we got our carpet dried out.

Mean time my condition despite medication continued to worsen until my Doctor and Molly in a combine front gave me the ultimatum of complete bed rest or hospitalization. Honestly I’m so sick of being sick and run down that I’ve ordered a box of Irish Flu shots:

ANYWAYS- From Wednesday afternoon  until  today (Tuesday the 26th) I was on complete bed rest (not more than 4 hours in 24 out of bed), which at first came easy.

However the cold/respiratory infection eventually made sleeping difficult and after a while even the most perfect and comfortable of beds becomes its own torture to your back and hips.

As of today however I’m allowed to be up for up to 12 hours as long as I’m not over taxing myself, which trust me is really easy to do. Clearing out the dish drainer while getting some lunch led to 2 hours resting on the couch with my eyes closed more than open reading.

Speaking of taxing myself, enough of my talking lets get this issue started before it’s any later shall we?

Greenspoint area which they had to evacuate.

Not sure where this one was taken but a lot of people used their boats to help rescue the stranded.

This is down near Rice University which was forced to cancel classes for 2 days. Though the parking lot appears flooded to a depth of about 2 feet here thankfully for these kids the Drive Thru is apparently still open.

Stevie Ray Vaughan Texas Flood Live!

 

BURKAS IN SOUTH TEXAS

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can’t buy on ebay any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off the front window.

I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.

I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on ebay) and ran it up the flag pole

Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I’ve NEVER felt safer and I’m saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

Plus, I bought burkas for Molly and I to wear when we shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security can’t pat us down.

Hot Damn — Safe at last — Ain’t America great or what?

RECALL: Takata Airbags, Everything You Need to Know Including Full List of Affected Vehicles

A massive nationwide airbag recall impacts U. S. vehicles.

Takata air bags installed in tens of millions of U.S. vehicles are subject to recall due to a safety defect that may cause their inflators to explode and cause serious injuries or deaths. If your car or truck is included in this list of affected vehicles below, contact your dealer for the appropriate repair. This site will be updated as necessary to ensure that affected vehicle owners are informed.

The head of the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration says more data is needed before a massive recall of Takata airbags is expanded.

Earlier, NHTSA officials had stated that an additional 85 million bags may need to be recalled. More than million vehicles have already been recalled due to faulty Takata airbags.

Everything you need to know. Includes list of affected models.
http://www.emergencyemail.org/newsemergency/anmviewer.asp?a=5479&z=62

Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.

“Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” she asks, “Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Thelma’s father thinks a bit then says “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”

“The whole Isis group,” she says.

“Why them,” her father asks in shock?

“Well,” she says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe  we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they’d love everyone a lot. And then they’d start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn’t hate anyone anymore.”

Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. “Thelma, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard. ”

“I know,” Thelma says, “and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of them.” [Can’t help but love a kid with a firm grasp of strategy and tactics!]

 

Musical Highway

 

. . . Complete and Finished . . .

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer: “When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED and when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!

SCREW the Syrians! What have they ever done for the US except be Terrorists and harbor anti US sentiment ? Give the homes to our homeless Vets and let the Syrians have the homeless Vet’s boxes and park benches!

I’m the Lethal Leprechaun and I didn’t just approve this message, I wrote the bloody message!

http://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/arthur-anderson-voice-lucky-charms-leprechaun-dead-n555301

Many years ago during his first marriage days, Impish accidentally overturned his golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: “Are you okay? What’s your name?”

“It’s Impish, and I’m okay, thanks,” he replied as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.

“Impish,” she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) “forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”

“That’s mighty nice of you,” he answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”

“Oh, come on now,” Elizabeth insisted.

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive … Impish was well…Impish. “Well okay,” he finally agreed but thought to himself, “my wife won’t like it.”

After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, Impish thanked Elizabeth. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d best go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. “She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

“Still under the cart, I guess.”

Golf Trick Shots | Dude Perfect

Well I think that’s about my limit for this for this week. I’ve just enough time for a quick nap before Molly gets home so I can spend a little time with her. Besides, I’m being threatened by Ninja Kitties: