Dragon Laffs

Morning Folks! Busy, busy, busy! Lots to get done before I jump into my bolt hole full of good luck charms  Thursday night and wait for Friday the 13th to pass.

See, belief in something gives it power and there is so much belief in the superstitions and bad luck surrounding the date Friday the 13th…that it almost cancels me good luck powers out!

Hence the hiding out thing. Anyway moving on-

Several of you were kind enough to inquire as to my health,safety and condition after I was ‘spell-napped’ at the end of the last issue by 3 rather scantily clad lusty err…lovely lasses.

I know Diaman was especially concerned and angry that there was possible poaching of ‘her Leprechaun’ going on.

I can only assure you all that they did have my permission of call on me, though admittedly they might have misinterpreted that permission slightly.

Regardless,  a grand time as had by all involved (multiple times actually).  That is, with the possible exception of poor Impish, who wanted badly to ‘horn’ in on me bit of fun, but sadly is still not allowed in Tir Na Nog after his last rather rambunctious (even by Irish mythological standards) visit.

BTW Impish you’ll be happy to know all those homeless Nymphs have been successfully relocated to new trees and have agreed to stop cursing you.

 

Moving on-

As I’ve said two days hence is Friday the 13th, arguably the second most feared day on the US calendar, the first being April 15th or Tax Day as it’s widely known. I’ve included some briefing material on the background of the day to keep you busy while I prepare my bad luck bug out kit ah-err-that-is, to enlighten you as to the rational behind the fears and how to avoid the worst potential pitfalls of the day.

I will share with you this one thing I’m taking with me. When things seem darkest I’ve a powerful chant that will work only this year. Shall I share it with you? OK since you asked so nicely-

“Inauguration Day is only 7 Days away!“

Just keep chanting that to yourself and maybe if you’re lucky things won’t looks so bad for you.

At least that is, sans legal provocation or orders to do so.

Coffee graphics- check, check & check.
Donuts- check.
Opening Joke @ Impish’s Expense- check.

Ok, let’s get down to business!

Some people will allow nothing to stop them in pursuit of a Starbucks beverage!

Then again looks like some people should have been stopped in pursuit of a Starbuck’s  beverage! Impish, don’t you have that same hoodie?

Friday the 13th: where does it come from and why is it unlucky?

Friday the 13th, considered by many as one of the unluckiest days of the year, is almost here again.

If you are worried about what’s in store this time, then you’re not alone. Psychologists have even come up with a word for how you’re feeling – paraskavedekatriaphobia, or fear of Friday the 13th.

One option is to stay tucked up in bed all day to avoid any potential Friday the 13th bad luck that may come your way, or alternatively, you could ignore the superstitious chatter and embrace it.

In 2017, there happen to be two Friday the 13ths – January 13 and October 13.

Here are some fun facts to take your mind off it. As we’ll discover, it may even be the belief in the Friday the 13th superstition that could, in fact, prove the greatest risk to the average person.

Why is Friday the 13th unlucky?

Friday the 13th has long been regarded as an unlucky day. Why do we choose this day in particular to fear for our lives?

Biblical origins

• The superstition around this day is thought to have come about during the Middle Ages, and may have Biblical origins.
• Some historians have claimed it was the day on which Eve bit the apple from the Tree of Knowledge, the great flood began and the builders of the Tower of Babel.
• In the New Testament there were 13 people present for Jesus’s last supper on Maundy Thursday, the day before Christ’s crucifixion on Good Friday. More bad luck

More bad luck

• On Friday October 13th 1307 Philip IV of France arrested hundreds of the Knights Templar.
• In his novel Da Vinci Code, Dan Brown cites the 14th century execution of Templar Grand Master Jacques de Molay, which took place on Friday the 13th. He cursed the Pope and the King of France, and this spread misfortune down the ages.
• It is also possible that the publication in 1907 of Thomas W. Lawson’s popular novel Friday, the Thirteenth played a part in disseminating the superstition. In the novel, an unscrupulous stock broker takes advantage of the superstition to create a Wall Street panic on a Friday the 13th.

The origins of the Friday the 13th being an unlucky date are shrouded in mystery

• The most commonly held perception is that Friday is an unlucky day and 13 is a particularly unlucky number
• In numerology 13 is considered to be an irregular number and is also the number of witches you need to form a coven
• There is also a biblical reference to 13 being considered unlucky. Judas, the apostle who later betrayed Jesus, was supposedly the 13th guest to sit down at the last supper. Christ was crucified on a Friday
• In the 14th Century Geoffrey Chaucer referenced Friday as being an unlucky day in his Canterbury Tales, “And on a Friday fell all this mischance”

Bad things that have happened on Friday 13

• In 1976, New Yorker Daz Baxter was apparently so afraid of Friday the 13th he decided the safest place to stay was his bed. However, Mr. Baxter was killed when the floor of his apartment block collapsed that day.
• In 2009, the £13.5 million SAW ride at Thorpe Park had its opening premiere, only to be shut down due to a computer programming fault. Spooky.
• In 2010, lightning struck a 13-year-old Suffolk boy on Friday 13th at 13:13. Definitely unlucky for him.
• During the early 1990s retired bus conductor Bob Renphrey also vowed to stay in bed on the superstitious day after some seriously bad luck. The Welshman has crashed fours cars, fallen into a river and been made redundant on previous Friday the 13ths.

A numbers’ game

• The number 13 has been considered unlucky for many years, even before Christ. The number 12 is historically considered the number of completeness, while its older cousin, 13, has been seen as an outlier.
• There are 12 months of the year, 12 gods of Olympus, 12 hours of the clock, 12 tribes of Israel, 12 Apostles of Jesus, 12 Descendants of Muhammad Imams, among many incidences of the pattern historically.
• In many Western countries tall buildings are missing the 13th floor. In China the fourth floor and in some cases all floors with the number four are left out of Chinese buildings.
• Houses often do not have a number 13, and many hotels, including the Carlton in London, miss out a thirteenth floor.
• It is considered very unlucky for thirteen people to dine together, and the first to rise will reach serious misfortune – a superstition upheld by US President Roosevelt. He also refused to travel on Friday the 13th.

They’re called “liberalnoculars”. Hopefully we’ll see them less in use after January 20th when we boot print tattoo the butts of the Sheethead in Chief and his entitlement minded First Family out of Washington DC.

It was things like this that made Mom lose her shit.

I don’t know about the risk issue but that brings the whole “cone of shame’’” thing to an entirely new level!

You know…the one that circles your head after you make your wife lose her shit and she frying pans you upside the head.

Umm…Molly says I’m done with marriage tweets if I know what’s good for me! Since she got me a new heavy griddle for Christmas and Texans regularly drive 70mph I’m going to take the hint.

Needs to respond same way when Impish cries out in frustration…

“OH FOR GOD”S SAKES! I’m only thinking!”

I recently posted another letter by Television personality and budding American Patriot Mike Rowe so I’ll not be re-explaining who he is. It’s likely most of you will recognize him from the picture anyway.

Mike Rowe writes a heartfelt letter to the parents of Special Forces Soldier

Mike Rowe, host of Discovery Channel’s “Dirty Jobs,” shared a post on Facebook Thursday thanking a military mom for her son’s service.

He shared his response to a letter he received from Diane Dodson, which he included at the top of the post entitled “Off The Wall.”

Dodson wrote of her son Justin, a soldier afflicted with ALS. She said her son was brought to tears after opening a piece of mail Rowe had sent him

 

 

Mike Rowe’s letter to Justin’s parents:
“Hi Diane,

I suspect words like “Merry” and “Happy” are difficult to hear at the moment, so I’ll forego the holiday greetings, and simply say “you’re welcome.”

I was very sad to learn of your son’s illness, and deeply humbled that a man like Justin finds me “admirable.” Please assure him the feeling is mutual.

The truth is, acknowledging Justin’s service is both an honor and a privilege. I know that my freedom and my liberty were bought and paid for by people like your son. I know his freedom is now being removed one day at a time. I know that his liberty is being slowly denied, by an enemy he cannot overcome.

I would like you to know, that your note reminded me of just how tenuous it all is. Our freedom. Our liberty. Our health. It’s all so fragile. And so damn easy to take for granted.

Sooner or later, our bodies will fail us. There are no exceptions. But what Justin did with his body while it was still in his control, has left me forever in his debt, and mindful of what matters most. Because ultimately, there is no greater threat to our freedom, than a lack of gratitude to those who provide it.

Your note is a reminder that acknowledging soldiers like Justin, requires me to count my many blessings, and vow to be a better version of myself. Actually Diane, it’s more than a reminder – it’s a gift. A gift from you and your son.

A gift for which we, the undersigned, are most grateful.

Mike”

Well said and well done  sir!

We lost a big advocate of Common Sense and doing what is right not for any benefit but simply because it’s the right thing to do when Jerry Doyle passed away in July of 2016. Should you ever get tired of dong Dirty Jobs for Television I would suggest you sir are the perfect person to follow him as the voice of his radio show Epic Times for you sir truly understand that “it isn’t about Right or Left, it’s about Right or Wrong.”

Good Morning Campers,
Remember when your mom used to say, “I’ll knock you into the middle of next week!”  Time travel at its greatest!  But seriously, if she could do that say, on a Wednesday, then you could land on Saturday and pass by the worst part of the week.  You know, even better, if mom’s got a really good right hook, she could hit you on Tuesday and knock you to Friday night (you might have to tweek the times a little) thereby avoiding almost the entire week!

As an extra note: At 1100 hrs., CST, Mr. Lethal Leprechaun set condition “Fuckitall” and set the expiration as 1200 hrs. on Saturday.  It is fortunate that this issue was all but finished, so all I had to do was give you this little update and send it to the printers.  There are several “conditions” that can be set, here at DL/LL, but “Fuckitall” has very special connotations and NOT to be broken lightly.  Therefore, with no further ado, …

My Darling Husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the Ford F-150 when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately it was not too bad and I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too much about me.

I was coming home and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake, while I was talking on my cell phone.

The garage door is slightly bent but the Ford F-150 fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your Ferrari.

It missed our bikes.

I am really sorry, but I  know with your kind hearted personality, you will forgive me. You  know how much I love you and care for you, my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

Your loving wife.

*P.S:  Your girlfriend phoned – she is pregnant.*

Never, ever let your girlfriend call your wife.

 

 

A guy starts talking to two women in a bar. To his surprise, they are Siamese twins. One thing leads to another, and they wind up back at his apartment.
 
He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he her asks what she’d like to do.
 
She says, “Is that a trombone in the corner? I’d love to play your trombone.”
 
So she plays it while he makes hot passionate love to her sister.
 
A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy’s apartment building. One of the girls says, “Let’s stop up and see that guy.”
 
The other girl says, “Gee, do you think he’

remember us?”

Because it was a special New Year’s issue last week, we didn’t get any Dragon Pix, or Fantasy Pix and some of the other normal features you’ve all grown to love.  Or, at least, not hate so much.  So back by popular demand…
Okay, who snuck this one in the queue????

This first video is so adorably cute, it just had to be put in here.

The second video is just a cool idea.  I can’t imagine why we never tried this before!

 

Thanks to Paul for sending this next one.  It is really, really amazing.  You only usually hear about the major earthquakes that strike populated areas, but you have NO idea how many quakes actually occur each year.  Watch this video and understand that as quakes occur there is a flash, the larger the quake the bigger the flash.  The rim of the Pacific Ocean is called the “Ring of Fire” for a reason.  Make sure you go full screen and note the dates changing in the lower left corner.  This is ONLY the first 15 years of the 21st Century.

 

Yes, the New Year means something else….something we really aren’t happy to do.  May we all handle it as well as this next guy…

Now, that’s my kind of Tax Audit!!

I know quite a few people who would only be outstanding by this method.

What!!??  <Sputter!> What is going on?  Terrance!  Get in here right now!

Good question.  It falls into the same category as leftover beer and leftover alcohol.

The afterward to this story is that currently, he’s due to get out of the hospital next week.

If this sign is really necessary, then I don’t want to use these facilities anyway.

Now, this guy, on the other-hand, won’t get out of the hospital until sometime in February.  If he even recovers.

That is wrong on so many levels.  If the Christian Science Church in Dixon, IL is really made that way, then the architect should be shot!

To the warriors, past and present, I salute you.

Me too, Snoop, Me too!

Wow!  Talk about doggie-breath!

Yup!  That would do it for me!!

 

With Inauguration Day less than two-weeks away, I’ve got to get a bunch of these in before we have different clowns to poke fun at.

Well, the 2 Republicans and a Truck guys may have their hands full.

Yeah, I don’t think so.

Damn, Donald!  A little single minded are we?

Retirement looks good on them.

Yup.  I agree!

He seems to have been quite successful in his last couple of goals for office.  I think (I hope?) that Putin has seen through his bullshit and has put everything on hold until after the presidency changes hands.  The LAST I heard, instead of kicking out American Diplomats from Russia, he invited all the Diplomat families to a big Christmas party.  And I’ll bet that just infuriated old Barry.

But, you want to scare the shit out of yourself, read a book called, Liberty’s Last Stand by Stephen Coonts.  Lethal recommended it to me (we share a lot of books back and forth and I am his B.B., after all) and I’m only part way through it, but the parallels to what’s going on right now is terrifying.  Good read.  Great author, I’ve read pretty much all of his stuff. 

Ain’t that the truth!  It’s amazingly difficult to find time to read.

Please excuse this unplanned interruption to today’s issue of Dragon Laffs…This is highly important! All of you put your drinks down and pay attention!  Recent information reveals that when you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure!  When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure! Whisky over ice causes heart problems and Gin over ice can give you brain problems!  All of this scientific information points to only one thing!

ICE IS REALLY, REALLY BAD FOR YOU!  Warn all your friends!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program already in progress…

…said, “if it was up to me, I’d use whipped cream!”

And after all that….

You should know by now that we here at DL&LL Multimedia Enterprises have always had your best interests at heart.  And when it comes to telling you something we think you should know about, we try to do it with grace and class.  That’s why today’s last word is a…

Okay, so this one is for real.  For any of you out there with teens – kids or grandkids – living with you are visiting a lot, you need to really pay attention to this.

And here is the list:

All I can say is….Wow!

So a brief explanation about todays coffee graphic is in order.

Way back on September 30th 2016 Impish sent me “The Pledge of Coffee Allegiance” along with the following comment:

I’m absolutely sure that you, with your incredible imagination and literary skills, can do something with that.

You are, after all, the coffee guru.

Well somehow or other despite my marking it for follow up (it was late in the day when I received it) the email wound up getting buried under a ton of other emails in my Inbox and frankly, totally forgotten about.

Last Wednesday I had started preforming my end of year computer maintenance- clearing out, cleaning up, organizing all in preparation for my semi annual total hard drive back up. While I was cleaning out and clearing up my Inbox I rediscovered the Pledge. Shortly thereafter I came across the photo you’ll find the Pledge now married to and realized they were a perfect match. I took it as a sign and stopped what I was doing to complete the graphic which you’ll see below.

I think it dovetails nicely with our “Death Before Dishonor, Nothing Before Coffee” Motto.

Dasvidaniya Obama!

Just under 3 weeks! I can’t wait! Wonder if he’ll bow to Trump too?

Thanks to USPS we had a late Christmas package from my family stolen from us.

We couldn’t track it because they stopped scanning them “to concentrate on delivering them all by Christmas”.  We won’t even get into the fact that the ‘tracking number’ which the sending family member asked the postal employee to circle for her on the receipt was in fact the transaction number and totally worthless for tracking.

Then they dropped it at 7:30 Am on Tuesday morning after Christmas and couldn’t be bothered to ring the door bell. We didn’t find out about it until New Years Day so basically we’re screwed and some ghetto gangster SOB is enjoying our presents.

And USPS wonders why they are going out of business!

Seems it’s forever making me say things I didn’t Nintendo!

Well I guess there ARE times when a good pizza and a 6 pack will cure a world of ills!

Only a farm kid would see it this way!

When you’re from the farm, your perception is a little bit different. A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. “Is your dad or mom home?” said the farmer.

“No, they went to town.”

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, “I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably. “No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant”.

The boy thought for a moment, then says, “You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

This Woman Is Packing Some Serious Heat!

I’m in serious lust right now!

Nope. No lust with these women, unless it’s lust for some serious cover!

In Memory of Carrie Fisher- The Force was strong with her.

 

I’ll admit the first one is a wee bit late…for some of you. Some others whom I will not call out by name (Impish and Ginny pay attention!) look about ready for this now. That’s the problem you encounter with posting only once a week around holidays. Anyway you’ll have it handy for the next time you tie 3 or 4 on or attempt to drink a pool of Peachcombers by yourself.

 

Total Time:
2 hr. 50 min
Prep:
1 hr. 40 min
Cook:
1 hr. 10 min
Yield:
8 servings
Level:
Easy

 

 

 

 

 

Ingredients

4 strips bacon, chopped
1 cup finely chopped pork loin
1 small onion, finely chopped
1 1/2 cups crushed tomatoes
1/2 cup finely chopped mushrooms
2 tablespoons shredded celery root
4 stalks celery, chopped
2 medium carrots, peeled and chopped
Salt and black pepper
3 cups cubed potatoes
1/2 cup chopped Polish sausage
2 tablespoons finely chopped leek
1 teaspoon allspice
1 teaspoon bay leaves
1 teaspoon Hungarian paprika
1 cup diced pickles
3 cloves garlic, finely chopped
3 tablespoons chopped fresh dill
1 cup heavy cream

Directions

Fill a soup pot with 8 cups water set on medium-high heat.
In a pan, fry the chopped bacon. When it is done, take out and put into the water in the soup pot.
In the drippings of the bacon, fry the pork loin and then the onions. When brown, put them into the soup pot and bring to a boil. Add the crushed tomatoes, mushrooms, celery root, celery, carrots and some salt and cook for 15 minutes.
Next, add the potatoes, sausage, leeks, allspice, bay leaves Hungarian paprika and cook for another 15 minutes.
Add the pickles, garlic and seasoning if using, and let boil for 10 minutes. Add the dill and heavy cream and season with salt and pepper.

Now I’ll admit I have not tried this one but my German and Polish friends all swear by it. We Irish have… other ways of dealing with hangovers…

 

Roasted Garlic Clove Chicken

Ingredients

8 chicken thighs
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 head garlic, separated into whole cloves, papery skin removed (about 20 cloves)
3 tablespoons olive oil
1 tablespoon butter
2 teaspoons herbes de Provence
1 teaspoon flour
1/4 cup chicken stock
1/2 lemon, juiced
Bread, for serving

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
Rinse and pat dry the chicken. Salt and pepper liberally and allow to temper on a cutting board while you prepare the garlic. In a large ovenproof sauté pan over medium heat, cook the whole garlic cloves in olive oil and butter, stirring occasionally, until lightly golden, about 10 minutes. Remove the garlic from the pan and set aside. Increase the heat to medium high and brown the chicken skin-side down until the skin is golden and crispy, about 5 minutes. Turn the chicken over, sprinkle on herbes de Provence. Add the garlic back to the pan and place hot pan in oven. Bake the chicken until cooked through, about 25 minutes. Once the chicken is done, remove chicken thighs and garlic to a platter. Place the pan over medium-high heat and sprinkle the drippings with flour and stir to incorporate. Deglaze the pan with the stock and lemon juice. Pour the sauce over the chicken on the platter and serve with bread for sauce-mopping and garlic-spreading.

 

Pan Roasted Brussels Sprouts with Bacon

Ingredients

4 strips thick-cut bacon
2 tablespoons butter
1 pound Brussels sprouts, halved
1/2 large onion, chopped
Salt and freshly ground black pepper

Directions

Cook bacon in a large skillet over medium-high heat until crispy. Remove to a paper towel-lined plate, then roughly chop. In same pan with bacon fat, melt butter over high heat. Add onions and Brussels Sprouts and cook, stirring occasionally, until sprouts are golden brown, 8 to 10 minutes. Season with salt and pepper, to taste, and toss bacon back into pan. Serve immediately.

 

 

1. ARBITRATOR – A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.
2. BERNADETTE – The act of torching a mortgage.
3. BURGLARIZE – What a crook sees through. 
4. AVOIDABLE – What a bullfighter tries to do.
5. COUNTERFEITER – Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
6. LEFT BANK – What the bank robbers did when their bag
was full of money.
7. HEROES -What a man in a boat does.
8. PARASITES – What you see from the Eiffel Tower.
9. PARADOX – Two physicians.
10. PHARMACIST – A helper on a farm.
11. RELIEF – What trees do in the spring. 
12. RUBBERNECK – What you do to relax your wife. 
13. SELFISH – What the owner of a seafood store does.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     14. SUDAFED – Brought litigation against a government official.

Wedding Ceremony

At a wedding , the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful blonde woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly.

Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom’s mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The pastor asked the woman, “Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?”

The blonde woman replied, “We can’t hear in the back.”

Marketing Explained

People often ask for a simple explanation of “Marketing.”
Well, here it is:

* You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to
him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Direct Marketing.

* You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says,
“She’s fantastic in bed.”
That’s Advertising.

* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic
in bed.”
That’s Telemarketing.

* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up
to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I?” and reach up to
straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Public Relations.

* You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and
says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.”
That’s Brand Recognition.

*You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you
talk him into going home with your friend.
That’s a Sales Rep.

* Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you.
That’s Tech Support.

* You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you’re passing, so you climb onto
the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of
your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!”
That’s Facebook (Social Media).

* You are at a party; this attractive “older” gentleman walks up to you and
grabs your ass.
That’s Donald Trump.

* You didn’t mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides
you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.
That’s America !

It would be really funny it it was the street sign on the local lovers lane!

Triplet nearly sky clad Redheads? Oh Lord I hope it’s me they’re summoning!

NO Impish! You can’t ‘just tag along’ if they…

OH BEGORRAH! THEY ARE SUMMONING ME!

Got to go! Catch  ya next time!

Coming lasses!

Welcome to the Dragon Laffs and Leprechaun Laffs Multimedia Enterprises, LLC. New Year’s Eve Gala, Bash, Hedonistic Celebration! Also know as the DL&LLMENYEGBHC.  And you wonder why we didn’t send out written invitations!  I presented this party idea to the miserly Lethal Leprechaun, who you might remember only gave me a measly 500,00 gp for the last party I hosted and he informed me that engraved invitations were out for this party! 

Do ya realize how much the engravin’ would be now laddie?, he asked me.

Well, since we are a multimedia company, I would assume we had our OWN engraving service.

Aye, we do.  And it would still be a cost per letter, and more than 1000 personal engraved invitations, that works out to 4,337 gold and that’s just for the ridiculous title of your ridiculous bloody party!  Nay!  Just send out the invites like we normally do.  Through mythical magical mail service!

Bloody no sense dragons.

Anyway, that’s how that conversation went.

Needless to say, the party starts …. well … about now!  So, grab yourself a beverage, partake of all the wonderful food and start this party by wading through this, our special New Year’s issue.

What are you all doing still standing here!  Let’s get this party started!

One of the most over used or misused part of New Year is the New Year Resolution.  So, one of the things that I resolve is to face every obstacle, every day with fun and laughter.  I thought of that when I read this joke from our dear friend Ginny and I realize that this is the exact way that Mrs. Dragon and I behave with each other, and the same way that Lethal and I do, although I do care how big his butt is.

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!”

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. “What in the world is this?” He said to himself as a little “dust” cloud appeared when he shook them out.

“April,” he hollered into the bathroom, “why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”

She replied with a snicker, “It’s not talcum powder It’s ‘Miracle Grow!’”

Sometimes my dyslexia kicks in….sorry.

You know, it’s normally Lethal who has the recipes, but this one is from our own Ginny and I think you’ll like this one.

Dang!  There’s that dyslexia kicking in again.

So, this is actually a Christmas poem, but it is so true and so suitable for the New Year as well, that I have got to share it with you.  This describes me (and I suspect most of you) to a tee!

See what I mean?

So, what the hell does Auld Lang Syne mean, anyway?  Well, for the best answer I could find, we go to the ABC News website.  There we learn:

Here it is. The answer to a perennial question of what on earth does “Auld Lang Syne” mean?

The confusion over the song is arguably almost as much of a tradition as the song itself. As revelers stumble and mumble through the verses-singing the “auld lang syne” part much louder than the rest of the song because it’s really the only part people know-someone always asks what the words mean.

The title of the Scottish tune translates to “times gone by” and is about remembering friends from the past and not letting them be forgotten.

Despite its strong association with New Year’s Eve, “Auld Lang Syne,” written by Robert Burns in the 1700s, was never intended to be a holiday song. Guy Lombardo is credited with popularizing the song when his band used it as a segue between two radio programs during a live performance at the Roosevelt Hotel in New York in 1929. By coincidence, they played “Auld Lang Syne” just after the clock hit midnight, and a New Year’s tradition was born.

The song, and the confusion that comes with it, has been immortalized in countless movies and TV shows.

In “When Harry Met Sally,” Billy Crystal’s baffled Harry wonders, “What does this song mean? My whole life, I don’t know what this song means. I mean, ‘Should old acquaintance be forgot?’ Does that mean that we should forget old acquaintances. Or does it mean that if we happened to forget them, we should remember them, which is not possible because we already forgot them?”

“Well, maybe it just means that we should remember that we forgot them or something,” Sally reasons. “Anyway, it’s about old friends.”

So as you surround yourself with friends old and new tonight, sing on.

And if you really want to impress people, here are the lyrics to the English translated version of the song you’ll probably hear:

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind? Should old acquaintance be forgot, and auld lang syne?

CHORUS: For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne, we’ll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne. And surely you’ll buy your pint cup and surely I’ll buy mine! And we’ll take a cup o’ kindness yet, for auld lang syne.

We two have run about the slopes, and picked the daisies fine ; But we’ve wandered many a weary foot, since auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We two have paddled in the stream, from morning sun till dine; But seas between us broad have roared since auld lang syne.

CHORUS

And there’s a hand my trusty friend ! And give us a hand o’ thine ! And we’ll take a right good-will draught, for auld lang syne.

CHORUS

Now, for one of the greatest renditions, here’s Straight No Chaser:

So, quickly, what’s the story of Straight No Chaser?  Straight No Chaser (SNC) is a professional acappella group which originated in 1996 at Indiana University. In 2007, a 1998 video of “The 12 Days of Christmas,” went viral with over 8 million views and subsequently led to a five-album record deal with Atlantic Records in 2008. The YouTube video has been viewed over 20 million times.

And the one that started it all….

There is a lot more information about them here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Straight_No_Chaser_(group) and is well worth reading.  The Christmas Can Can is one that Lethal had for Christmas and I commented that it was one of my favorite songs.  You can go on YouTube and spend an hour or more just watching their videos.

 

Another thing we do for the New Year is look back at the old year to see what statistics have been measured.  Even silly things.  Like this long video (almost 40 minutes) of the Guinness world records that were broken in 2016 … like the longest selfie stick, the fastest dog on a ball for 10 meters, or the longest human/mattress domino fall.  Some of them are pretty cool.  Definitely worth watching (or I wouldn’t have put it here.  Duh!)

 

I know it’s not Thanksgiving, but at New Year’s, it’s also worth looking back at our own lives.  This was sent to me by Ginny, but it matches up with my own feelings so well, I have to share it with you.
My body sometimes feels sore, but it still works.
I don’t sleep well most nights, but I do wake up to fight another day.
My wallet is not full, but my stomach is. (Pretty tough feat for a dragon)
I don’t have all the things I ever wanted, but I do have everything I’ll ever need.
My life is by no means perfect, but it’s mine and I’m happy.
So many of us have so much more than most people around the world, but sadly, most people always want more.

Family:
Like branches on a tree, we all grow in different directions. Yet, our roots remain as one.

I know that many of us are already inebriated enough that this is a real possibility tonight. 

How about some cool statistics about New Year’s Resolutions:

Top 10 New Years Resolutions for 2015 (as compiled by statisticbrain.com)

1. Lose Weight
2. Getting Organized
3. Spend Less/Save More
4. Enjoy Life to the Fullest
5. Staying Fit and Healthy
6. Learn Something Exciting
7. Quit Smoking
8. Help Others in Their Dreams
9. Fall in Love
10. Spend More Time with Family.

Now honestly, by a show of hands, how many of you have used at least half of these?  Yeah, I figured as much.  How about at least 6? 7? Still a couple of hands up. 8? 9?!  Of you that still have your hand up for 9, have any of you hit all ten!  Wow!  Really?  I wouldn’t have guessed it was that many of you.

How many have I done?  My own total is 7.

That is the same for so many of us!

• Percent of Americans who usually make New Year’s Resolutions – – – – – – – – – – 45%
• Percent of Americans who infrequently make New Year’s Resolutions – – – – – –  17%
• Percent of American’s who absolutely never make New Year’s Resolutions – – –  38%
• Percent of people who are successful in achieving their resolution – – – – – – – – – – – -8%
• Percent who have infrequent success – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – 49%
• Percent who never succeed and fail on their resolution each year – – – – – – – – – – – -24%

People who explicitly make resolutions are 10 times more likely to attain their goals than people who don’t explicitly make resolutions.

Yup, we all know some people like that.

Super Bowl season is fast approaching, so this next item is quite appropriate for this issue.  It comes from a Craig’s List item.

#SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY:

A friend of mine has two tickets for the February 05, 2017 Super Bowl @ NRG.

They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodation. He didn’t realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding – so he can’t go. If you’re interested and want to go instead of him, it’s at First Baptist Church in Houston, Texas at 5pm. Her name is Keisha. She will be the one in the white dress.

If he was truly serious with this offer, he would’ve included a picture of Keisha.

It happens quick, little fellow.  You blink your eyes and you’re an old man.

New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper. 

If your born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!

Remember you can reset your resolutions on January 14th (Orthodox New Year) and February 8th (Chinese New Year). After that, even I can’t help you.

 

As bad as 2016 has been, yeah, I’m right there with the pessimist.

 

Disclaimer: Not JUST on New Year’s Eve.

 

And with that, we stroll into our closing to finish partying with all our fellow campers, friends, family, loved ones… We’ve been invited to the party opener, which also happens to be the issue ender.  So, let’s wonder over to Lethal’s private quarters, shall we?

The closing today has been given over to my dear friend, brother, fellow warrior and partner in nattering in this ezine.  I give you, Lethal Leprechaun:

 

Wow looks like some of you didn’t know when to say when to the Christmas cookies and other holiday once a year only treats!.

I haven’t seen this many pair of sweat pants in once  since the tracksuit fad of the late 1980’s.  I swear the place looks like an Old Navy store!

To be honest I’m still recovering from the Christmas Issue and the holiday itself. Having Molly home for 4 days straight and mostly all to myself was a nice change of pace from her usual hectic schedule of work and school.

The downside however is that I had significantly less time to come up with a theme for this issue and to assemble it. Add that to a three day work week this week and things are..well let’s just call it ‘tightly scheduled’ and leave it at that.

So this issue is sort of like those dinners you’ve been having ever since Christmas, a hodgepodge of left overs and tidbits. To keep it from being boring however I decided to share with you folks some of the things I/We got for Christmas as well.

Grab your coffee loosen your fat sweats waist bands (if you can) and get comfy because we’re off.

I can see where with some of you (Impish) that ‘Let’s Roll isn’t just a figure of speech!

Ol’ Jersey Ginny of the Weak Knees sent me this coffee themed graphic last Friday:

We’ll see why finding it on Monday morning weirded me out in a few.

So the first thing I encountered stumbling out of my bedroom (aside from two treat demanding felines) was this warning. Seems like there is no end to those who think they have the right to surveil you in your home!

The aforementioned elves than apparently felt the need to bust my chops a little more:

Now I’ve never done this with a sun/moon roof before, but I did do it one time with the kick vents on an old FJ body Toyota Landcrusier.  Kick vents are exactly what they sound like small pop out vents right behind where the front fender and body meet. You literally kicked them open and closed with the toe of your shoe.

One time my buddy and I were semi dressed up on our way to some event or other and of course running late. My buddy suggested I take a ‘short cut’ which involved passing thru a spillway for a lake. The spill way was simply a low wall on the lake side with two 3 foot high humps in the road about 3 car lengths apart and a low spot in the middle. When the lake got too high it would overflow the wall so this low area would flood and run off the opposite side into a stream.  We were doing about 35 mph when we hit the top of the first hump and I saw there was probably close to 18” of water in the spillway. I think the front wheels were already in the water by the time it dawned on me the kick vents were open.

Can you say 60 degree (it was March) lake water high pressure shower inside your moving vehicle? Yeah. We were really really late for what ever it was we were supposed to be attending.

OK so here’s my first gift I’ll show you so you have plenty of time to ponder it. The answer is at the end of the issue (no scrolling & peeking!)

One of the main problems with holiday issues is you never know when its safe to “put it to bed”.  You know from long experience that the minute you do something will arrive in your Inbox that you wish you could have included in the holiday issue. Case in point this next video and the Christmas issue.

God Bless The USA and Armed Forces Medley – Redding Christmas Lights

 

 So so the first present we got for Christmas we actually too delivery of about 10 days ago just before Molly’s family came for her Graduation:

A pair of matching His & Hers recliners in micro fiber, which interestingly enough cats seemed to be uninterested in scratching (a good thing). They have been well received by all who have tried them. Sadly I don’t get a chance to sit in mine often since as I said, they’ve been well received:

My recliner is apparently now the premier choice for cat naps. You are pretty much assured of finding at least one in the seat if not both. Otherwise one is in the seat and the others perched atop my tartan lap blanket.

Speaking of cats, let’s leave my gifts a moment and check out one that Santa left for Molly:

Don’t worry no cats were harmed in the making or play of the game. It’s all tongue in cheek and the only thing that hurt after we tried the game out several times were our sides from laughing.

So remember that graphic Ginny sent me last Friday from the opening coffee postings? Well this was the first present I unwrapped. Makes me wonder what all those chemical waste dumps in Jersey are leaking into the water supply. Psychic Jersites is all we need!

AS of posting this I have yet to try out the coffee. I’m think this might be part of my cure for the morning after our New Years Eve Party.

In complement to this was a gift from my In-laws. my MiL had heard me utter this sentiment to Molly as justification for not becoming involved in something that was going on at Thanksgiving and new of my quest for a larger (still) coffee mug:

Now I know it’s hard to determine the size of the mug from that photo, but as you can clearly see my first cup of the day is in the mug still and not in me working it’s magic.

Filled to the brim it holds 32 oz. and we figure it has a practical working capacity of 28 oz.

Between the use of the two gifts I think there’s a good chance of coffee nirvana having been achieved. IF not I’m positive that all it will take is adding some to my Brown Gold recipe.

Here pal, I’ll share a wee nip o’ me next gift with you ta’ be warming your insides. It was a happily received bribe present from one of my clients hoping to have the number one slot for attention after New Years when my busy season starts.

Black Bush might just have a run for it’s money now! I’ve put a wee nip in me Bailey’s lightened coffee and had naught but grand Celtic Dreams!

(Celtic Dream = 2 Parts Bailey’s + 1 Part Irish Whiskey. Shake with ice or pour into a large mug of coffee)

Obama Rated 5th Best President!

Texas A&M Study Calls Obama the 5th Best President in American History. An Excellent research by a fine institution. From a total of 44 U. S. Presidents, Obama has been rated as the 5th best. The Public Relations Office at A&M released this statement:

“After almost 8 years in office, American academics have rated Obama the 5th Best President in American History “.

These are the results according to Texas A&M:

1. Lincoln, Reagan and Eisenhower tied for first place.

2. Sixteen Presidents tied for second place.

3. Twenty-three other Presidents tied for third place.

4. Jimmy Carter came in fourth, and

5. Obama was fifth.

They left out Quitcherbitchin too you whiney bunch of pansy azzed Liberals. You lost. Its over. Build a fricken bridge to the STFU Expressway already. SHEESH!

Ya’ll be happy to know the situation with the Christmas issue and it’s size should no longer be a problem, at least when I assemble them. Santa brought me enough new memory to max out my lap top and make a quantum difference in its performance, especially when it comes to using the program we do to assemble the blog. 

Of course it hasn’t hurt my gaming capabilities any either!

 A new Calphalon griddle for cooking important things like bacon, steaks and grilled sandwiches along with my annual fix from the Hickory Farms store.

How Santa rolls when dealing with the warm weather and lack of snow in Texas. Sorry but there’s just something special about jolly old fat guys on Harleys!

OK first here’s a gif you’ll watch for about 5 minutes because it’s just that unbelievable. Is it staged or did it just happen? I don’t know but either way its pretty darn cool just the same.

 

The 2016 Hater’s Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

Hysterically irreverent but comically spot on. This guy does a bang up job on the catalog we all love to peruse but can’t ever afford to buy from.

I was on the Jersey Turnpike when I saw it. I was driving my family to New York for Thanksgiving and there, along the shittiest stretch of road in the shittiest state in America, I saw the Williams-Sonoma fulfillment center: a vast hangar that seemed to stretch a mile long, with shipping containers lined up along the side, like piglets feeding on a series of artisanal teats. It was located in a town called Cranbury because of course it fucking was. It made me wonder if Williams-Sonoma chose the town of Cranbury specifically for the whimsy of it, or if they CREATED the town and christened it Cranbury just so that it could match their mission statement of bringing holiday cheer and $75 baskets of glazed figs to the world.

And I won’t lie, it was kind of nice to see the fulfillment center, to see just where the (imported, dry-aged Portuguese) sausage (with white wine and fennel) is made. This has not been a pleasant year. Everyone good died. America is now a bad sitcom flash forward episode. And I got a camera up my dick. So it was nice to see all those trucks lined up in Cranbury, each one getting its marching orders to drive out to some pristine house on some pristine cul-de-sac in some pristine suburb. Call it Peppermintbarkville—a place that the rest of the world cannot touch, where even a nuclear holocaust could not intrude upon the bestowing of gold napkin rings and cheese assortments. Life as we know may end, but the Williams-Sonoma catalog, and the army of little Ina Gartens who have seemingly unlimited cash to spend on its wares, will endure. They shall adorn their houses in the finest garlands and pass around only the choicest amuse bouches, and everything will be PERFECT even as the world burns a mile away. OH, IT’LL BE SO GRAND THAT YOU’LL WANNA PUKE.

So come with me now. Let’s forget about our troubles, crack open this year’s W-S Christmas catalog, and lose ourselves in a tartan wonderland. Will there be mug toppers? Oh, you better fucking believe there will be mug toppers. To the catalog…

The 2016 Hater’s Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

Santa fed my obsession with multi tools once again with about the smallest one I have ever encountered. Honestly I must have about 6 or 8 or them now my favorite being the Leatherman Micra. which I carry one everyday. In fact I am on my second one and about due to replace it a third time since I wear one out from use roughly every six years. I haven’t quite decided where this one is going as yet but I’m sure I’ll find a place. So far most likely candidate is the compact traveling first aid kit I have.

This was on my wish list. In my business you are forever trying to illuminate dark recesses in server rooms, cable trays and under desks. Maglites are easy to carry and very handy but go through batteries like Impish eats Christmas cookies. The LED part makes for a brighter less power hungry light and the push button tail cap makes things way handier when you are constantly turning the light on and off plus allows the flashlights beam to remain focused as you prefer it. If you have a mini Maglite I highly recommend you get yourself one of these upgrade kits for it. It will pay for itself in battery savings alone.

This was pretty much the way it was for Thanksgiving, but we faked them all out by staying home this Christmas.

Ah Inis! My favorite cologne (though Molly recently introduced me to Spicebomb by Victor Rolf) and made in Ireland ta boot! ‘Tis what Leprechauns small like don’t ya know! It’s even in a TSA approved travel size!

OK time to unveil the big mystery. If you didn’t get it don’t be too upset. I thought it was some sort of newly designed whisk for the kitchen when I opened it before Molly gave me the card it comes on.

I saved the best present I got for last.

It wasn’t the most elaborate, most expensive or even the best wrapped. In fact it was probably under $4, came in a simple envelope and while pretty was quite simplistic.

Just a simple ‘Hallmark Moment’ from Molly but to me it means more than all the other presents combined. Her agreeing to marry me is still easily the best present I’ve ever gotten in my life.

See you Saturday for our Impish managed New Years Eve Party (Oh stop screaming in terror! He actually has a well documented and personally reviewed by me plan that he’s promised to be following) and End of Year Issue presentation.

Until then…