Yes, it’s Wednesday. Not the normal day for Dragon Laffs now is it? If you remember correctly, Lethal is doing Christmas this year and I’m doing New Years. Although, there will be a short Christmas message from me in his issue and a short New Year’s message from him in my issue.
Now, I’m sure that was just a clear as mud.
There was so many different things I was going to write about in my opening, I even had a bunch of suggestions from Lethal. But I ended up putting so many graphics and laffs and funnies in the issue that it is just on this side of crashing the server AND I still have to get up and work in the morning.
See, I even had some dragons poking their heads in…
And I’m sure you noticed the elf showing his ass…(that reminds me of so many people that I know…lol)
Anyway, there is so much to go through, why don’t we just get started!
I have to tell you a quick story about Jersey drivers, who have been, year after year, voted the worst drivers in America. Here’s a quote from a female Jersey driver:
“I realized I had a road-rage problem when my five-year-old daughter shouted, ‘Pick a fucking lane, you dickhead!’ While sitting in my grocery cart.”
I’m figuring that Ginny, Diaman, and many other Jersey-ites have had similar experiences. I know I have.
Right, so without admitting whether any of this is true or false, I’m presenting it here purely for your enjoyment. Thanks Paul.
Men appreciate the importance of a 42-inch
Women can use sex to get what they want.
Men can’t because, well, what they want is sex.
Men speak in sentences.
Women speak in paragraphs.
At weddings, women cry and then drink too much.
Men drink too much, and then cry.
Men can balance an infinite amount of trash in
the garbage can without ever noticing it’s full.
Women enjoy planning a wedding.
Men enjoy just getting it over with.
Women know what to do when someone starts to cry.
Men just shuffle out of the room, mumbling something
about the grouting.
A man can choose and purchase
a pair of shoes, in 90 seconds.
Women can remember every outfit they wore for the past decade.
Men cannot remember what they wore yesterday without looking
at the floor next to the bed.
Don’t you just love the artsy-ness of this time of year. Here’s a picture of me that was “decorated” by one of the kids in one of the classes before the Christmas break.
I’m writing this early Saturday morning, a few hours after the last Dragon Laffs was posted. And right now, it’s snowing, turning into sleet and frozen rain, turning into rain mixed into ice, snow and sleet. Which, in turn, will turn back into snow later this evening. Well, right now, everything outside is covered in ice…I mean everything. A layer of ice on top of the snow that’s still on the ground and making even stepping outside a treacherous and highly dangerous endeavor. So, this first video is exactly what is going on around here. But, it is still funny.
So, diamonds are like the hardest substances on earth…right? Let’s see…
Hydraulic Press – 1, Diamond – 0
I would have never, ever thought that I would have sat through a ten-minute video about a seat on a plane, but since there were so many millions of views AND it came recommended by Kim Komando, I just had to! Here’s what Kim has to say about the video: Nearly 27 million people looked on in awe as filmmaker and YouTube personality Casey Neistat shared a rare glimpse into the luxury high-flying lifestyle of first-class seating on Emirates Airlines. Neistat received an upgrade while traveling from Dubai to New York City. The seat comes with a $21,000 price tag.
Neistat described the experience as one of “the greatest days in my entire life.” Besides high-end drinks, Neistat got his own sliding doors, a writing kit, total privacy, plenty of room to stretch out his legs, and a large touchscreen television. It’s more of a hotel room than an airline seat. Regular passengers may snack on peanuts, but the sunglasses-wearing Neistat received caviar. He even took a hot shower. This video is the closest most of us will ever get to such eye-popping in-flight luxury.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to the new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach “.
The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you’re eating and see if that does the trick”.
As they left, the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman. How’d you come to the diagnosis so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.”
The younger doctor said “Pretty clever. If you don’t mind I think I’ll try that at the next house”.
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.
She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once did and said “I’m feeling terribly run down lately “.
“You’ve probably been doing too much for the Church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps”.
As they left, the elder doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she’s very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?”.
“I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed.”
Holiday shopping facts by the numbers
Sales this holiday season are expected to hit $1 trillion in the United States. Of the $1 trillion, $98 billion will be online sales. That is, without a doubt, my favorite way to shop! Online, that is.
The average consumer will spend around $1100 on their holiday gifts. Millennials living in places like Brooklyn, Austin, and Portland are expected to spend more than most people—up to $500 more. Okay, that’s an awful lot….I wouldn’t have thought that it would have averaged that much. But, if you think about it, for every large family that spends more on Christmas, there’s a smaller family, or single person who doesn’t spend anywhere near as much. So, I guess it all balances out.
While online shopping is convenient, people still do enjoy visiting brick-and-mortar stores. One of the aforementioned surveys found that 66 percent of respondents planned to research gifts online, but they will then head to the store to check it out in person and buy it. I can honestly say that I have NEVER done it that way. Now, I have done it the other way, saw something out at the store that I liked, and went home and bought it online because it was less expensive.
A 2016 survey revealed that 22% of the 1,000 respondents shop on the toilet. I REALLY didn’t need to know that. I now have this picture in my head of Lethal Leprechaun sitting on the toilet while ordering the beef, turkey, pork, (just to name a few) jerkies for me for Christmas. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go wash my brain out with bleach.
Around 50% of holiday shoppers are planning on getting loved ones clothes for Christmas. In 2014, holiday shoppers spent $40 million at U.S. clothing stores.
There’s a pretty solid chance that the gift you received was on sale. More than 75 percent of respondents in the former shopping survey said that a sale would impact at least one of their holiday gift purchases. I wouldn’t expect anything less. With the exception of the “very specific gifts” that I KNOW what I have to get, all the rest I get at the best price possible.
Most shoppers confirm around half of their gifts were planned. The other half? Complete impulse buys. Now that one I understand completely.
Holiday shopping can account for up to 30 percent of a retailer’s annual sales. Wow!
One survey found that 29 percent of consumers largely completed their holiday shopping before Black Friday. In another survey, shoppers said they would start shopping in October or earlier. No way! Not a chance in hell! If it doesn’t say “December” in the date, this dragon hasn’t even thought about Christmas shopping.
Pet owners will spend an average of $62 on their furbabies this season.
Around 58% of consumers will buy gifts for themselves, spending an average of about $140 in the process.
An October 2016 survey found that the average shopper would spend more than $200 on decorations, food, flowers, and greeting cards this holiday season.
In the same aforementioned survey, 45 percent of respondents said they were planning to shop at a grocery store for the holidays. Of course! Where are you going to get the peach juice for your Peachcombers?
According to one retail study, in 2015 the most popular time of the year to return retail purchases was during lunch on December 26. The Midwest saw some of the highest rates of holiday gift returns, with return rates of more than 19 percent the week after Christmas (comparing dollars of purchases and dollars returned). January 2, 2016 was the most popular day to return items during that month.
I know most of you know Karl (K2) at least from some of the stuff he’s submitted. Well, K2 sent me this little article / essay and, even though it has nothing to do with Christmas, it still says things in a way that makes me jealous that I didn’t say it or write it. And I think that it is something that all of us need to understand.
“The hell you can’t, because we did it. These Muslims are no different than the [Imperial] Japanese.
The Japs had their suicide bombers too. And we stopped them. What it takes is the resolve and will to use a level of brutality and violence that your generations can’t stomach.
And until you can, this shit won’t stop. It took us on the beaches with bullets, clearing out caves with flame throwers, and men like LeMay burning down their cities, killing people by the tens of thousands. And then it took 2 atom bombs on top of it. Plus we had to bomb the shit out of German cities to get them to quit fighting.
But, if that was what it took to win, we were willing to do it. Until you are willing to do the same…well I hope you enjoy this shit, because it ain’t going to stop!”
Back then, we had leadership, resolve, resources and determination.
Today we’re afraid to hurt people’s feelings….and worry about which bathroom to pee in!
He also goes on to say, “Unless you are willing to be as unreasonable and as brutal as your enemy, do not engage him in any conflict – because he will win.”
And that, more than anything else is what I hope all our enemies are thinking now that Trump is going to be the next president.
So, I thought I was done with videos, but then I got this one from The Green One. And as many of us out there who are from this part of the country, I just had to add it in.
The boy said: “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair – and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair!”
“Did you also notice they walked everywhere?”
Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2, and 3?
Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
That is the honest truth. I have no idea what it is about that guy, he’s an old, fat man that dresses in a red velvet suit. And yet, all the girls can’t wait to help him, sit on his lap, or go back to his cabin and look at his etchings.
Okay, so that’s just wrong! In SO many ways!
I’ve got a myth that needs busting!
Well…if nothing else, it will keep the neighbors from complaining.
Some how I don’t think that Mrs. Dragon or Molly is going to allow either myself or Lethal Leprechaun in exchanging gifts with this one.
My Klingon to English Dictionary wouldn’t translate Hu’tegh petaQpu. The best I could come up with is that Hu’tegh means either “bah” or “darn”
I was on a voyage once with Inigo Montoya and he told me that he asked Santa for the same thing! What are the odds?
I told Lethal that would be an awesome addition to the little pub we keep for the upper echelon at DL&LL Enterprises.
There’s more? More? How many more Christmas Motivationals could there possibly be?
And haven’t we all been there once or twice? Why, I remember the time….
And that would be the end of the motivationals….wasn’t that a surprise?
And let’s end today’s issue with one of the very best explanations of Christmas ever given by a cartoon character. And every year, at the company Christmas party, Linus will get up with Charlie Brown, (they are usually both drunk off their asses) and they will replay the same scene.
Charlie Brown: Isn’t there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?!
Linus: Sure Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about. Lights please. “And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo the angel of the Lord came down upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not; for, behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you: Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace and goodwill towards men.” That’s what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown.
May your holiday season be one to remember and be filled with love, laughter and happiness!!!