Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

Well, this isn’t really an update like the header suggests, but I just love the picture of me buried in bills…well…I don’t really love it, but it’s quite appropriate for what we are going through right now.

I want to open right up with thanking those of you who have stepped up to help us out.  It is incredible how fast the troops rallied.  After publishing the issue last night (Yes, today is Saturday, the same day you are reading last weeks issue, I’ve started this weeks issue) anyway, after publishing last week’s issue and going to bed, by the time I got up the next morning we had already received 7 donations.

So thanks to: Henry S., Ginny, John S., K2, Gail B., Leah H., and Steven H.  You guys are absolutely awesome!  Thank you. 

As I write this issue through out the week, I hope to be adding to the names of people who’ve donated and welcome them in to the Patron’s Club with all the benefits and rights thereof. 

Now, on with the show!

Mrs. Dragon has started me on this diet program and I have to say, it works really well.  She’s mad at me right now because I keep sending Izzy Dragon’s friends into the kitchen and asking them to bring me out the piece of cake that’s on the kitchen table.  I mean, I am still recovering from surgery, after all.

Paychecks and weekends have a lot in common…they are both short and don’t last long enough.

What a fantastic prank!

Well, I guess you’re going to have to click on the video above and go to YouTube to watch it.  That sucks!

Now, that’s a great shot!

“Did you hear that?”

“Yeah, it sounded like a dragon.”

“Yeah, I thought so, too.  Where could he be?”

“Ahem….excuse me, folks…”

LOL, Looney Toons Cartoons!

Sing these lyrics to “These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things.”

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up with strings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillac’s and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Well, it’s now Wednesday so here’s a new sponsor listing for the upcoming year:

Henry S., Ginny, John S., K2, Gail B., Leah H., Steven H., Wheats, Philip S., Garth B., Chuck G., Joe P., and Diaman (Thanks Mom!)

Lucky 13…13 Original Sponsors…Yeah, I’m not liking 13.  Come on with the rest of you, this year it’s really important!  There are a lot of things going on in the background that we’ve not shared with you, but it is very important to keep this blog going, so give a little, give till it hurts, give what you can. 

Here’s how: Go up to the top of the page and on the right hand column, you’ll see the column that I have reproduced on the right here.  Just go down to where it says: Donate to keep us free, click on the link and follow the instructions.  It goes through PayPal because that’s the easiest way we’ve found to take your money from you, I mean, um… accept your kind donation.  I can’t imagine that there’s anyone out there who isn’t familiar with PayPal, but just in case, you don’t have to have a PayPal account, you can use a bank account, credit card, debit card or your own PayPal account.

If you’d like to send a check through snail mail, send an email to: impishdragon@gmail.com and I can give you my home address off line. 

Okay, so enough with the begging for money, let’s get on with the show.

Now that’s a case of not letting life get you down.

The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate.

The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.

So, it’s just a cool picture, that’s all.

More…

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney (AP), Paris  – The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney The decision comes the day after the nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists in army surplus camo pants

​

I found this quite interesting.  It’s from Jeff Reagan’s Daily Health Newsletter for Conservatives.  Now, don’t ask me how I got it, I have no idea how half the shit in my inbox shows up.  But this was interesting.

I travel a fair amount for work.

That involves airplanes. A lot of airplanes.

And recently I found myself sitting there, with no book, no movies… no nothing.  (See, that was your first mistake.  Kindle.  My Kindle is a God-Send.  I ALWAYS have a book to read!) (And while we’re on the subject, I also have a few wonderful people who keep me supplied in electronic books.  The first is Lethal Leprechaun and the second is K2.  Thanks guys!)

The guy next to me was sleeping. (Fortunately he wasn’t using me as a headrest.)

That left me alone with my thoughts.

Looking for something to do, I went to the bathroom. Inside, I noticed something strange. Right below the “no smoking” sign… an ashtray.

Immediately I started wondering if the plane I was on was super old. I mean, airlines started banning smoking in the 80s, and since 2000, even international flights don’t allow it.

So why was there an ashtray?

The flight attendant gave me a shrug. My fellow passengers had no idea either.

A little research gave me the answer. The bottom line is it’s an FAA requirement.

Because the government doesn’t trust you to follow directions. And if you do light up, you’re going to need a safe place to stub it out. (The important line there is, “Because the government doesn’t trust you.” But, as I gaze around me at the Entitlement Lemmings wandering around the country, I can’t say as I really blame them all that much)

Apparently, people still do smoke on airplanes on occasion, even though you’re obviously not supposed to. They take the requirement so seriously, just a few years ago a flight bound for Mexico from England was grounded… it had no ashtrays.

Think about it. Because people can’t follow directions, airlines have to have something on every plane that’s never supposed to be used. What a waste.

Someone at the ashtray company must have a friend at the FAA.

God Bless,

Jeff Reagan
Editor, Patriot Health Alliance

Now there’s a statement that goes a long way to explaining the Entitlement Lemmings in our country right now.

We lost a couple of famous people lately.  Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Tom Petty, who with his band The Heartbreakers helped spearhead back-to-basics heartland rock in the late 1970s, died Oct. 2, 2017, after he suffered cardiac arrest. Petty, shown in a 2016 photo, was 66

Monty Hall, the former “Let’s Make a Deal” host, died Sept. 30, 2017, after a long illness. Hall, seen in 2014, was 96Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, who turned silk pajamas into a work uniform, women into centerfolds and sexual desire into a worldwide multimedia empire that spanned several generations of American life, died Sept. 27, 2017 of natural causes. Hefner, seen in a Nov. 4, 2010, photo, was 91.  And of course, we couldn’t just let Hugh’s death go without a real farewell.

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own. Moral of the story — In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.

Hey!  Me too!  I need one of those, too!

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”

Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about”.

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again and tell him if he doesn’t answer I’ll kill him!”

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”

Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

A man walked into the drugstore and shyly asked the pretty girl working there if he could buy some condoms. Seeing his discomfort,

The girl decided to have some fun. She asked what size he needed. He said he didn’t really know. So the girl said they come in three sizes, and that there were three holes in the fence outside that they used for sizing tests. He should go outside and put his tool to the test.

When he went outside, the girl Snuck around the fence, when he put his tool through the first hole, she caught him and gave him a hand job.

When he put his tool in the second hole, she gave him oral sex.

When he put his tool in the third hole, she had her pants down and she took him inside herself.

When he was finished, the girl ran around the front. He walked up and she asked, “So, what size do you need?”

He answered, “I’ve decided not to buy any condoms, but I do want 8 feet of that fence!”

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, “Don’t despair. Sister Barbara.” on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man’s attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

“What’s this?” she asked. “That’s the $8,000 you have coming Sister,” He replied. “Don’t Despair paid 80-to-1.”

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

‘Well,’ he said, ‘I took m’self far into the woods to find m’self a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothin’ to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, and he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.’

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, ‘WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: “Looking back on it, ….circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

And we’ve reached the end of another issue.  No further donations have been received.  It’s difficult to believe that only 13 people find us worthy of a dollar.  Although I do want to say an extra special thank you to John S!  Sir, you are a generous gentleman.  No, you may not ask, John knows why.

Please, go to the top, hit the button and send us the price of a cup of coffee.  Every little bit helps.

And until we meet again next week……

Cheers!

No I’m not smiling, trust me. It’s either gas or abdominal pain making me grimace and you are mistaking for a smile.

A few of you might have noticed that I’m slow to approve/respond to comments on the blog as well as to emails. Please believe it has nothing to do with you or what you’ve said. Stress from some of the situations I am coping with at the moment are negatively impacting my health and my sleep cycle. When you add that to the amount of time and attention these situations are taking to deal with this severely impinges on my online time. On top of that how well I am feeling at any given moment also reduces the amount to time I am spending online at any given time I do manage to make it to my Lap Top and I have to prioritize what I need to get done when I do make it here..

Sorry about that but the situation is likely only going to get worse before it gets better.

Now lets move on to happier things shall we?

 

 

 

Which Batteries Perform Best?

You probably have AA batteries scattered around your house. You use them for your remote controls, your grandkids’ toys and many other everyday items. Face it, you can’t live without batteries, but somehow we always seem to run out of them.

But before you buy AA batteries, you need to know a few things. First, there are two types of batteries: alkaline and lithium. More to the point, not all batteries are a good value. Does paying more mean you’ll get a better, longer lasting battery?

No, not according to Consumer Reports. They tested 15 brands of AA batteries, including Amazon-branded batteries and Costco’s Kirkland batteries.

The prestigious magazine found that some lower cost batteries are just as good or nearly as good as the most expensive brands. In fact, you’ll be shocked by how you don’t need to break the bank for high-quality batteries that will keep your Christmas presents humming for weeks or months.

Note: Consumer Reports tested batteries in two ways: They used the batteries until they died in toys for one hour a day and in flashlights for four minutes every eight hours.

Alkaline vs. Lithium

First things first. You’ve probably noticed that generally speaking, lithium batteries are expensive.

You might be tempted to buy them, thinking that if they cost more they probably last longer. As it turns out, Consumer Reports suggests using lithium batteries sparingly, like in devices that need a quick burst of power or that you don’t use very often.

Note: You can store lithium batteries for up to 15 years. They don’t need to be stored in the refrigerator and they don’t usually spew liquid like older, carbon-zinc batteries did.

Some alkaline batteries performed as well as lithium batteries in Consumer Reports’ test. These batteries are typically less expensive. You may want to use them in devices you use a lot, like your TV remote control and your computer’s wireless mouse.

So, which brands performed best in Consumer Reports’ tests? Both alkaline and lithium batteries were among the best values.

This might surprise you. The top performers included two brands that might have the perception of being “cheap.”

Costco’s Kirkland Signature brand AA alkaline battery had an overall score of 80, out of a possible 100. AmazonBasics Performance AA Alkaline had a 71.

That compares to top-rated brands such as Energizer Ultimate Lithium AA (89), Duracell Quantum AA Alkaline (89) and Rayovac Fusion Advanced AA Alkaline (85).

Lithium batteries

• Energizer Ultimate Lithium AA – CR only tested two lithium style batteries and this one came out on top. It received an overall score of 89.
• Energizer Advanced Lithium AA – This one came in second with an overall score of 82.

Alkaline batteries

• Duracell Quantum AA Alkaline – CR tested a total of 13 alkaline batteries and this one is the best. It received an overall score of 89.
• Rayovac Fusion Advanced AA Alkaline – Overall score of 85.
• CVS Max AA Alkaline – Overall score of 82.
• Duracell Coppertop Duralock AA Alkaline – Overall score of 80.
• Kirkland Signature (Costco) AA Alkaline – Overall score of 80.
• Rite Aid Home AA Alkaline – Overall score of 79.
• AmazonBasics Performance AA Alkaline – Overall score of 71.
• Walgreens W Alkaline Supercell AA – Overall score of 71.
• Energizer ecoAdvanced AA Alkaline – Overall score of 68.
• Energizer MAX +PowerSeal AA Alkaline – Overall score of 67.
• CVS AA Alkaline – Overall score of 62.
• Dynex (Best Buy) High Capacity AA Alkaline – Overall score of 60.
• EcoAlkalines AA Alkaline – Overall score of 59.

Two things that taste great but don’t taste great together!

How the Death Star was really destroyed.

That’s the Hull of a Submarine the boat is resting on. Any second I’d imagine that hatch in the lower right of the photo is going to open and a M-4 carbine is going to get screwed into their ears as they are introduced to the world of hurt their stupidity has gotten them into.

This crap scorches my skivvies! They scream and holler and carry on whenever the subject of Puerto Rico to becoming the 51st state comes up. They claim they want to be autonomous, they don’t want to have to pay income tax like the rest of us.

However let some sort of natural disaster happen and they’ll scream holler and carry on expecting to be treated just like a state and as if the US government wasn’t already dealing with the aftermath of two back to back hurricanes in actual tax paying states!

Both gifted and blessed son, trust me!

Impish take notes now- I’m counting on you!

Only GoT fans or Geo. R.R. Martin readers will get the reference.
LOL Makes me think of Billy Idol’s “White Wedding”
Maybe it will be a White (Walker) Wedding?

Ok time for me to hop on off here and  do other things. Trust me I’d rather stay here.

Good Morning Campers,

And a wonderful day it is.

Well, not so much.  It’s been a tough couple of weeks around here.  I think I’ve finally gotten my technology issues worked out.  It’s been almost 72 hours without the wifi going down.  I think I, with the help of 2 really great AT&T Tech Guys, finally figured out what the problem was.  I won’t belabor the point by trying to explain it, but suffice it to say, it’s been tough.

And, my two main email accounts have decided that they no longer want to work with Live Mail.  I have been fighting with that and losing.  I’m hoping to get my personal electron chasing guru (the master tech Lethal Leprechaun) on the phone this weekend to help me figure that one out.

I gotta get back to work.  This living on part of a paycheck is going to put me in court.  Anyway, enough about all of that.  I do want to apologize for not having an issue last week.  I really hurt me a lot.  The first time in 15 years that I’ve missed an issue completely. 

Ah well, life sucks and then you  die.  You might as well laugh a little on the way, so…

 

 

If you answer the phone with, “Hello, you’re on the air!”  Most telemarketers will quickly hang up.

 

Looking for a special Christmas present for your favorite dragon?  The above shirt is a good one!  Thanks Ginny.

So this next one is categorized as an Oldie, but Goodie:

One Monday morning, a postman was walking through a neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail.  As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His curiosity was cut short by Craig, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

“Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the postman commented.
Craig, in obvious pain, replied: “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?”
The postman thought for a moment and said: “How do you play WHO AM I?”
‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the ‘family jewels’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

The postman laughed and said, “Sounds like fun. I’m sorry I missed it.”
“Probably a good thing you did,” Craig responded. “Your name came up seven times.”

And goes along quite well with the rest of those tired, old clichés.

Looks to me like they are both surprised by what they see in the crystal ball.

Okay, that is too funny on so many different levels.

Q. Why don’t little girls fart?
A. Because they don’t get assholes until they’re married.

Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don’t have time.

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.

I like this next one.  And I had previously received it with the attribution described in the first paragraph, but immediately knew that wasn’t correct.  Now that I do have the correct author, I feel good about sharing with you…

11 Rules That You Don’t Learn in School
This is mistakenly attributed to Bill Gates, as a Speech he supposedly gave at Mt. Whitney High School in Visalia, California.
It is actually from the book “Dumbing Down our Kids” by Charles J. Sykes, 1995, and is directed at high school and college graduates.
Rule 1:
Life is not fair – get used to it
Rule 2:
The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself
Rule 3:
You will NOT make $40,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both
Rule 4:
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss
Rule 5:
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping – they called it opportunity
Rule 6:
If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them
Rule 7:
Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents’ generation, try delousing the closet in your own room
Rule 8:
Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life
Rule 9:
Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time!
Rule 10:
Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs
Rule 11:
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

I especially like rule 4, 8, and 9.

Now that’s a great idea….and a wonderfully inexpensive way to get to work.

Great set of statements:

Hurt me and you’re going to feel pain.

Hurt my best friend and you’re going to need an ambulance.

Hurt my family…I’m going to need a shovel.

 

If a man says you’re ugly, he’s being mean.

If a woman says you’re ugly, she’s envious.

If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs.
In her 20s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,  “Mum, how many kinds of “willies” are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well, dear, a man  goes through three phases.
In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration.”

As a man who falls into the last category, at least in my human form, I highly take offense to that categorization of my willy!  (Edited by Mrs. Dragon ~ Is that because your willy is highly offensive?)

You really gotta wonder what the bird has in mind.  Why does it need a little frying pan?

I was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.  I asked my wife if she would go to Lowes and pick up a hinge.

She agreed to go.  While she was waiting for the manager, Charlie, to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, she asked him, “How much is that faucet?”

The manager replied, “That’s a gold-plated faucet and the price is $500.00.”

She  exclaimed, “My goodness, that’s an expensive faucet – certainly out of my price range.”

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and it was $3.49. He then went into the storeroom to get one.  From the storeroom the manager yelled, “Ma’am, you wanna’ screw for the hinge?”

She shouted back, “No, but I will for the faucet.”

This is why you can’t send a woman to Lowes!!

You know, I love my kindle, as I’ve mentioned before, but there really is something to be said for holding that solid object in your hands and turning the pages.

The overwhelmingly brilliant stupidity of these people is just awe-inspiring!

I don’t have a problem with the guy “wanting” $15 an hour.  Hell, I want $500 an hour.  My problem is that he believes whole heartedly that he deserves it, whether he’s worked for it or not, that it’s owed to him.  I may want $500 an hour, but I sure don’t believe I’ve done what it takes to deserve it or have earned it.

So yeah, just … ah… think about that for a minute.

Can I get an Amen!?

I couldn’t agree more wholeheartedly.  You guys do realize that that fat little Korean asshole with the bombs is going to start a war, right?  You know he’s convinced himself that him and his mighty military forces are unbeatable, right?  You know he’s going to light off a nuke, just to prove he can, right?

And you also know that shortly thereafter, North Korean property will be at an exceptionally low buying price, right?

Okay, just so we’re all on the same page.

I probably shouldn’t be writing a blog like this when I’m pissed off and in pain….right?

 

 

And with that dumbass’s example being the perfect lead in, let’s go to today’s

Somebody somewhere must hate me…either that, or it really is my turn in the barrel or something.  Over the past couple of weeks, I felt like I was forgetting something important, but with the pain and stress I’ve been under, then having surgery, and then recovery and all the crap that’s been going on lately, some of which you heard about in my opening, I didn’t think too much about it.

Well, checking over my credit card statement, I noticed a charge for Word Press and finally realized what I’ve been forgetting.  It’s that time of the year that we here at DL&LL hate.  The time of year where we have to ask for money.  Actually, it’s well past that time, since the bill has already charged and if it’s not covered pretty darn quickly than I am going to be in trouble.

But, what the hell, trouble seems to be following me around like a puppy dog lately.  That’s why I’ve started dressing like this every morning.

We usually get advanced warning, and when I bitched to Word Press they said they send me advanced warning to the email address I have on file…which just happens to be one of the ones that I’ve been having trouble with.  They did tell me that if it was a problem, they could refund me the money and charge it again a month from now (more like three weeks now) on a different card of my choosing, but it might take up to 14 business days for the refund to hit.  I didn’t bother telling him that in 14 business days, it wouldn’t matter.

So, my plea to you guys is to go back up to the top of the page and hit the donate button (it still works, I checked it out) and give us a couple of bucks, please.  Between hurricanes beating up Lethal and medical shit and technology beating up this dragon, there’s no way we can carry this payment right now.

So…please…we’re relying on you.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

Grumble.

Let’s just get this started shall we?

 

 

Not sure if those donuts are cosmically fantastic or LSD filled!

This question concerns me greatly as I have several male acquaintances that butt dial me constantly!

TRUST ME!- for the majority of you that is NOT the perk that it sounds like it might be!

Renovation of Quiet Man train station kicks off

The iconic railway station featured in ‘The Quiet Man’ is to be renovated.

The disused railway station needs a new roof, but the local community in Ballyglunin, Co. Galway rallied to save such the famous local landmark and have begun to raise funds to complete the job.

Last month they hit the the $36,000 mark and work is due to get underway shortly.

“Work on the roof of the railway station will commence around mid-September and, when completed, it is hoped that it will become the venue for several events at the station. It will be ideal for theatre or music events,” local man Mark Gibson told The Connacht Tribune.

It’s hoped that the work will turn the parish in north Co. Galway into something of a tourist attraction. The movie has a huge fan base and donors from as far away as the Canary Islands and North America reached into their pockets to help save the station.

Celebrities including Liam Neeson and Gabriel Byrne chimed in with their support for the project.

The station is featured in the opening scenes of the famous John Ford film, as Sean Thornton, played by John Wayne, arrives back in his hometown from the US for the first time in decades.

“The mention of ‘The Quiet Man’ brought about a huge amount of support from all over the world, but the initiative was also well supported locally and that cannot be forgotten.“Once the roof has been completed by early October, it is the plan to provide a tea room at the station next year. We want it to be a major focal point in the area,” Gibson added.

BBQ Procedures!!!

Standard Operating Procedures released today please learn. We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of event are put into motion:

Routine…

1. The woman buys the food.

2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.

4. The woman remains outside the compulsory nine feet exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

5. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

6. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

7. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

8. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THEWOMAN.

9. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

10. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And most important of all:

11. Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

12. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off”, and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.

Important driver…

After getting all of Pope Francis’ luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. “Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”

“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “They never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal and I’d really like to drive today.”

“I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

“Who’s going to tell?” says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 125 mph.

“Please slow down, Your Holiness!” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

“Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!” moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle and gets on the radio. “I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 125 mph.

“So bust him,” says the Chief.

“I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, “All the more reason!”

“No, I mean really important,” said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, “Who do you have there; the mayor?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

Chief: “A senator?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

Chief: “The Prime Minister?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

“Well,” said the Chief, “who is it?”

Cop: “I think it’s God!”

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, “What makes you think it’s God?”

Cop: “He’s being chauffeured by the Pope!”

“Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”

---

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

---

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”

---

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign… “Energy efficient vehicle: runs on oats and grass. Caution: do not step in exhaust.”

---

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”

A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy.

“Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked.

“You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven…”

---

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

“Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”

The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

---

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

---

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.”

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.

He said “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.”

---

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

“Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.”

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Adult Fairy Tales

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won’t let her.

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. “First, you must wear a diaphragm.” Cinderella agrees. “What’s the second condition?” “You must be home by 2:00 am. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.” Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 am. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn’t show up. Finally, at 5:00 am, Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied. “Where have you been?” demands the Fairy Godmother. “Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!” ” I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.”

The Fairy Godmother stated, “I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!”

Cinderella replied, I can’t remember, exactly,. Peter, Peter, something or other…”

PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, “How’s the girlfriend?” Pinocchio replied, “Who needs a girlfriend?”

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, “Red, I’m going to screw your brains out!” To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a… 44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, “No, you’re not. You’re going to eat me, just like it says in the book.”

MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey,

“You say here that your wife is crazy.” Mickey replied, “I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she’s fucking Goofy.”

SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, “Lie to me! Lie to me!”

Did you know … Captain Hook died from jock itch.

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex. “What’s that?” he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, “Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree.”

Horrified, she said, ” Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly.” She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. “Here,” she said, “you must put it in here.” Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, “What the hell did you do that for?” “Just checking for bees,” said Tarzan

Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is…
TEACHER: No, Millie … Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s…
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

No matter the problems and the heartache I am going through with this so called, “Modern Technology” I could not let this day go without reminding everyone AND announcing to the world that today is Lethal Leprechaun’s birthday!

I’ve known Lethal for, what feels like forever.  It feels like we’ve grown up together, that we were kids chasing a ball or a girl together, but in all honesty, we didn’t really meet until the better part of our lives were over.  And for that matter, we’ve never “met” in the traditional sense of the word.  We’ve never been face to face, geez, I think the closest we’ve actually gotten to each other was several years ago when I was in Dallas/Ft. Worth and he was in Houston.  About 240 miles.  Or maybe the time I was in San Antonio, that’s about 200 miles, but I don’t know if I knew him then.  Regardless, you get the idea. 

My point being, I love this man.  And no matter what kind of issues I am going through, I have to take time out to wish him a happy birthday.  I have to take time out to tell him how much I care. 

My brother, I hope you have a great day.  That despite the heavy pressures and challenges that you are going through, I hope that you can take the day and make it a special one.

Ginny and Diaman wanted to wish you a special Happy Birthday, just from them.

And I would be honored to help light the candles

Now, on a different note, for the first time in almost 15 years, there will be no dragon laffs this week.  I will not take this space where I’ve wished Lethal a happy birthday to bemoan and complain about what I’m going through right now, but you have my deepest apologies.

Please do me a favor and fill the comment box, and for those of you who have his email address, his email in box with tons of well wishes and happy birthdays. 

Cheers!

Impish Dragon