Grumble.

Let’s just get this started shall we?

Not sure if those donuts are cosmically fantastic or LSD filled!

This question concerns me greatly as I have several male acquaintances that butt dial me constantly!

TRUST ME!- for the majority of you that is NOT the perk that it sounds like it might be!

Renovation of Quiet Man train station kicks off

The iconic railway station featured in ‘The Quiet Man’ is to be renovated.

The disused railway station needs a new roof, but the local community in Ballyglunin, Co. Galway rallied to save such the famous local landmark and have begun to raise funds to complete the job.

Last month they hit the the $36,000 mark and work is due to get underway shortly.

“Work on the roof of the railway station will commence around mid-September and, when completed, it is hoped that it will become the venue for several events at the station. It will be ideal for theatre or music events,” local man Mark Gibson told The Connacht Tribune.

It’s hoped that the work will turn the parish in north Co. Galway into something of a tourist attraction. The movie has a huge fan base and donors from as far away as the Canary Islands and North America reached into their pockets to help save the station.

Celebrities including Liam Neeson and Gabriel Byrne chimed in with their support for the project.

The station is featured in the opening scenes of the famous John Ford film, as Sean Thornton, played by John Wayne, arrives back in his hometown from the US for the first time in decades.

“The mention of ‘The Quiet Man’ brought about a huge amount of support from all over the world, but the initiative was also well supported locally and that cannot be forgotten.“Once the roof has been completed by early October, it is the plan to provide a tea room at the station next year. We want it to be a major focal point in the area,” Gibson added.

BBQ Procedures!!!

Standard Operating Procedures released today please learn. We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of event are put into motion:

Routine…

1. The woman buys the food.

2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.

4. The woman remains outside the compulsory nine feet exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

5. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

6. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

7. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

8. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THEWOMAN.

9. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

10. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And most important of all:

11. Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

12. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off”, and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.

Important driver…

After getting all of Pope Francis’ luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. “Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”

“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “They never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal and I’d really like to drive today.”

“I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

“Who’s going to tell?” says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 125 mph.

“Please slow down, Your Holiness!” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

“Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!” moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle and gets on the radio. “I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 125 mph.

“So bust him,” says the Chief.

“I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, “All the more reason!”

“No, I mean really important,” said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, “Who do you have there; the mayor?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

Chief: “A senator?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

Chief: “The Prime Minister?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

“Well,” said the Chief, “who is it?”

Cop: “I think it’s God!”

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, “What makes you think it’s God?”

Cop: “He’s being chauffeured by the Pope!”

“Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign… “Energy efficient vehicle: runs on oats and grass. Caution: do not step in exhaust.”

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”

A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy.

“Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked.

“You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven…”

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

“Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”

The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.”

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.

He said “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.”

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

“Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.”

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Adult Fairy Tales

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won’t let her.

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. “First, you must wear a diaphragm.” Cinderella agrees. “What’s the second condition?” “You must be home by 2:00 am. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.” Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 am. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn’t show up. Finally, at 5:00 am, Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied. “Where have you been?” demands the Fairy Godmother. “Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!” ” I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.”

The Fairy Godmother stated, “I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!”

Cinderella replied, I can’t remember, exactly,. Peter, Peter, something or other…”

PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, “How’s the girlfriend?” Pinocchio replied, “Who needs a girlfriend?”

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, “Red, I’m going to screw your brains out!” To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a… 44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, “No, you’re not. You’re going to eat me, just like it says in the book.”

MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey,

“You say here that your wife is crazy.” Mickey replied, “I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she’s fucking Goofy.”

SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, “Lie to me! Lie to me!”

Did you know … Captain Hook died from jock itch.

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex. “What’s that?” he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, “Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree.”

Horrified, she said, ” Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly.” She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. “Here,” she said, “you must put it in here.” Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, “What the hell did you do that for?” “Just checking for bees,” said Tarzan

Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is…
TEACHER: No, Millie … Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s…
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher