Dragon Laffs #1559


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Good Morning Campers,

And a wonderful day it is.

Well, not so much.  It’s been a tough couple of weeks around here.  I think I’ve finally gotten my technology issues worked out.  It’s been almost 72 hours without the wifi going down.  I think I, with the help of 2 really great AT&T Tech Guys, finally figured out what the problem was.  I won’t belabor the point by trying to explain it, but suffice it to say, it’s been tough.

And, my two main email accounts have decided that they no longer want to work with Live Mail.  I have been fighting with that and losing.  I’m hoping to get my personal electron chasing guru (the master tech Lethal Leprechaun) on the phone this weekend to help me figure that one out.

I gotta get back to work.  This living on part of a paycheck is going to put me in court.  Anyway, enough about all of that.  I do want to apologize for not having an issue last week.  I really hurt me a lot.  The first time in 15 years that I’ve missed an issue completely. 

Ah well, life sucks and then you  die.  You might as well laugh a little on the way, so…

Let's Laugh 2

1c

 

 

If you answer the phone with, “Hello, you’re on the air!”  Most telemarketers will quickly hang up.

 

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Looking for a special Christmas present for your favorite dragon?  The above shirt is a good one!  Thanks Ginny.

So this next one is categorized as an Oldie, but Goodie:

One Monday morning, a postman was walking through a neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail.  As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His curiosity was cut short by Craig, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

“Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the postman commented.
Craig, in obvious pain, replied: “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?”
The postman thought for a moment and said: “How do you play WHO AM I?”
‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the ‘family jewels’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

The postman laughed and said, “Sounds like fun. I’m sorry I missed it.”
Probably a good thing you did,” Craig responded. “Your name came up seven times.

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And goes along quite well with the rest of those tired, old clichés.

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Looks to me like they are both surprised by what they see in the crystal ball.

3010

Okay, that is too funny on so many different levels.

Q. Why don’t little girls fart?
A. Because they don’t get assholes until they’re married.

Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don’t have time.

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.

3011

I like this next one.  And I had previously received it with the attribution described in the first paragraph, but immediately knew that wasn’t correct.  Now that I do have the correct author, I feel good about sharing with you…

11 Rules That You Don’t Learn in School
This is mistakenly attributed to Bill Gates, as a Speech he supposedly gave at Mt. Whitney High School in Visalia, California.
It is actually from the book “Dumbing Down our Kids” by Charles J. Sykes, 1995, and is directed at high school and college graduates.
Rule 1:
Life is not fair – get used to it
Rule 2:
The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself
Rule 3:
You will NOT make $40,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both
Rule 4:
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss
Rule 5:
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping – they called it opportunity
Rule 6:
If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them
Rule 7:
Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents’ generation, try delousing the closet in your own room
Rule 8:
Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life
Rule 9:
Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time!
Rule 10:
Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs
Rule 11:
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

I especially like rule 4, 8, and 9.

3012Now that’s a great idea….and a wonderfully inexpensive way to get to work.

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3013

Great set of statements:

Hurt me and you’re going to feel pain.

Hurt my best friend and you’re going to need an ambulance.

Hurt my family…I’m going to need a shovel.

3014

 

If a man says you’re ugly, he’s being mean.

If a woman says you’re ugly, she’s envious.

If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs.
In her 20s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,  “Mum, how many kinds of “willies” are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well, dear, a man  goes through three phases.
In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration.”

As a man who falls into the last category, at least in my human form, I highly take offense to that categorization of my willy!  (Edited by Mrs. Dragon ~ Is that because your willy is highly offensive?)

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You really gotta wonder what the bird has in mind.  Why does it need a little frying pan?

2b

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I was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.  I asked my wife if she would go to Lowes and pick up a hinge.

She agreed to go.  While she was waiting for the manager, Charlie, to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, she asked him, “How much is that faucet?”

The manager replied, “That’s a gold-plated faucet and the price is $500.00.”

She  exclaimed, “My goodness, that’s an expensive faucet – certainly out of my price range.”

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and it was $3.49. He then went into the storeroom to get one.  From the storeroom the manager yelled, “Ma’am, you wanna’ screw for the hinge?”

She shouted back, “No, but I will for the faucet.”

This is why you can’t send a woman to Lowes!!

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You know, I love my kindle, as I’ve mentioned before, but there really is something to be said for holding that solid object in your hands and turning the pages.

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4a

The overwhelmingly brilliant stupidity of these people is just awe-inspiring!

4b

4c

I don’t have a problem with the guy “wanting” $15 an hour.  Hell, I want $500 an hour.  My problem is that he believes whole heartedly that he deserves it, whether he’s worked for it or not, that it’s owed to him.  I may want $500 an hour, but I sure don’t believe I’ve done what it takes to deserve it or have earned it.

4d

So yeah, just … ah… think about that for a minute.

4e

Can I get an Amen!?
amen1

4f

Amen

4g

4i

I couldn’t agree more wholeheartedly.  You guys do realize that that fat little Korean asshole with the bombs is going to start a war, right?  You know he’s convinced himself that him and his mighty military forces are unbeatable, right?  You know he’s going to light off a nuke, just to prove he can, right?2c

And you also know that shortly thereafter, North Korean property will be at an exceptionally low buying price, right?

Okay, just so we’re all on the same page.

I probably shouldn’t be writing a blog like this when I’m pissed off and in pain….right?

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And with that dumbass’s example being the perfect lead in, let’s go to today’s

last word 5

Somebody somewhere must hate me…either that, or it really is my turn in the barrel or something.  Over the past couple of weeks, I felt like I was forgetting something important, but with the pain and stress I’ve been under, then having surgery, and then recovery and all the crap that’s been going on lately, some of which you heard about in my opening, I didn’t think too much about it.02

Well, checking over my credit card statement, I noticed a charge for Word Press and finally realized what I’ve been forgetting.  It’s that time of the year that we here at DL&LL hate.  The time of year where we have to ask for money.  Actually, it’s well past that time, since the bill has already charged and if it’s not covered pretty darn quickly than I am going to be in trouble.

But, what the hell, trouble seems to be following me around like a puppy dog lately.  That’s why I’ve started dressing like this every morning.

We usually get advanced warning, and when I bitched to Word Press they said they send me advanced warning to the email address I have on file…which just happens to be one of the ones that I’ve been having trouble with.  They did tell me that if it was a problem, they could refund me the money and charge it again a month from now (more like three weeks now) on a different card of my choosing, but it might take up to 14 business days for the refund to hit.  I didn’t bother telling him that in 14 business days, it wouldn’t matter.

So, my plea to you guys is to go back up to the top of the page and hit the donate button (it still works, I checked it out) and give us a couple of bucks, please.  Between hurricanes beating up Lethal and medical shit and technology beating up this dragon, there’s no way we can carry this payment right now.

So…please…we’re relying on you.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

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One Response to Dragon Laffs #1559

  1. Ginny. says:

    Sorry you are still in pain, the sh#t hitting the fan every way you turn. Put a call in to GOD-1000 I’ve been told he only gives you what you can handle. Got to let him know you can’t handle any more for at least six months..

    Great issue you put out, it was well worth waiting for. PEOPLE….it’s that time, I get my cheer leading outfit out of moth balls….WE MUST support Lethal and Impish to pay the yearly bill for Word Press. You all enjoy their humor and without our support it can and will disappear. I just made my annual donation…it’s very easy to do.

    I’ll tell Impish to let me know the names only of anyone making a donation. In time I will make
    something special just for them.

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