Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

As you may have noticed, we’ve had some difficulty lately posting our blog to the website.  Sadly, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to get this fixed, so today’s issue is a little light.  I know you’ll still laugh and at this point, that’s what we all need, so without further ado…

(Well, it’s 947 pm Saturday night and it finally went through!  Not sure what the future holds for Dragon Laffs, but I am glad that this issue finally got published.)

Yup, I’ve got that!  I’ve got a new doctor who must be a mom because she asked me, “On a scale of one to stepping on a pile of Legos in the dark with bare feet, tell me how much you hurt.”

This is a very cool video.  I know you’ll enjoy it.

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my buddy Lethal, “That’s us in 10 years.”
He said, “That’s a mirror, dipshit dragon.”

Lethal used to let me help in the interview process for new employees at DL&LL Enterprises, but not any more.

Dang, eat one or two applicant’s who you KNOW aren’t going to cut the grade and they take you right out of the process.

I tried that excuse on Thursday…it didn’t work.

Two friends who grew old together made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other how life after death was. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life, Dan was the first to die. Benny mourned him, and waited for him to come and visit. True to his word, two months later, as Benny was sleeping, the voice of Dan appeared in his head.
“Benny…Benny…”
“My gosh… Is that you, Dan?”
“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”
“That’s wonderful!  What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have intercourse. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have intercourse again, bathe in the warm sun and then have intercourse a couple more times… then I have lunch (keeping healthy, lots of greens).  Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have intercourse the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to the golf course again. Then it’s more intercourse until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”.
“Wow, Dan!  Heaven sounds amazing!”
“What heaven?  I’m a rabbit somewhere in Arizona.”

Our security teams often have unusual watch towers.

Everyday I am forced to add another name to the list of people I’m going to eat when the zombie apocalypse comes.

Yup, the 60’s AND the 70’s.

NOTE TO SELF:
1. Buy a Sword
2. Name it kindness
3.  Kill people with kindness

You know it’s gonna be a bad day when your imaginary friend files a restraining order against you.

An amazing 2 letter English word.

A reminder that one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb and preposition.

UP

This two-letter word  in English has more meanings than any other  two-letter word, and that word is ‘UP.’  It is listed in  the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n]  or [v].

It’s easy to  understand UP, meaning toward the sky  or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in  the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why  does a topic come UP?  Why do we speak  UP, and why are the  officers UP for election and why is  it UP to  the secretary to write UP a  report?  We call UP our friends, brighten  UP a room, polish  UP  the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.  We  lock UP the house and fix  UP the old  car.

At other times, this  little word has real special meaning.   People stir UP trouble, line  UP for tickets, work  UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one  thing but to be dressed UP  is special.

And this  UP is confusing:  A  drain must be opened UP because it is stopped  UP.
We open  UP a store in the morning  but we close it UP at night.  We seem  to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable  about the proper uses of  UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.   In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost  1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty  definitions.

If you are  UP to it,  you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is  used.  It will take UP a lot of your time, but  if you don’t give UP, you may wind  UP with a hundred or  more.

When it threatens to  rain, we say it is clouding UP.  When the sun  comes out, we say it is clearing UP.  When it rains,  the earth soaks it UP.  When it  does not rain for awhile, things dry  UP.  One could go on  and on, but I’ll wrap itUP, for now . . . my time  is UP!

Oh . . . one more  thing:  What is the first thing you do in  the morning and the last thing you do at  night?
U
P !
Did that one crack  you UP?
Don’t screw  UP.  Send this on to  everyone you look UP in your address book .  . . or not . . . it’s UP to you.
Now I’ll shut  UP!

The wife of a prominent gentleman was being tried for the murder of her third husband. A lawyer asked, ‘What happened to your first husband?’

‘He died of mushroom poisoning.’ said the wife.

‘How about your second husband?’ asked the lawyer.

‘He died of mushroom poisoning, too,’ said the woman.

‘Well, then,’ asked the lawyer, ‘what about your third husband?’

The wife, replied, ‘He died of a brain concussion.’

The lawyer asked, ‘Why did that happen?’

The wife paused, and then said, ‘He wouldn’t eat the   mushrooms.’

Wow…really?

Looks like there might be a position available…at least on a temporary basis.

Sadly, there are probably some of you out there who don’t get it.

Well, still not uploading.  Not sure what we’re going to do about it.  I’ll try again this afternoon when I get home.

Sorry my friends.

I have to give up for the night.  Issue won’t post and I can’t get into the admin section of Word Press but they swear its not their fault.

I’m working tomorrow but I’ll try again before I leave.  

My apologies.

I’m posting this video to see if it works.

As you get off the elevator or people mover you hear distant shrill sounds of someone using an industrial grinder and a very large air compressor.

Lethal is uncharacteristically, once again for the second time in a month, smiling and excessively jovial. However you cannot help but notice that once again Impish is missing from his normal spot reclined on the stage and wonder if this has something to do with Lethal’s happy demeanor.

Once you’re all inside the conference room doors close and the din lessens to the point where you can not only hear yourselves think but Lethal speaking to you as well.

“Morning Folks!

Sorry about the noise. We’re not really under construction despite what it sounds like. What you’re hearing is actually Impish getting the Draconian equivalent of a Mani-Pedi  treatment, abet Industrial Grade.”

Lethal appears to suffer a giggle fit and takes a moment to regain his composure and wipe his eye before proceeding.

“You see, [he manages to contain another giggle fit- barely] while the vast majority of Impish has reverted to our much beloved and familiar Blue hue, his claws on all for of his appendages [several snicker escape despite his obvious attempts to remain professional] have remained bright shocking pink despite the 18 coats of Goth Black Epoxy he has applied!

Lethal pauses to sip his cuppa, an obvious ploy for time to help him keep his composure.

So now, he’s graduated to wet sandblasting, grinding and acid washing in an attempt to remove the bright shocking pink from his claws, or at least do something which allows him to paint over it. [more stifled giggles ensue]. Let’s get this issue started as it appears I’m going to need a moment to regain my professional composure.”

He just manages to press a butt on the podium before collapsing behind it and rolling around on the stage as he gives into a fit of giggles and guffaws the like of which, not only have you never heard out of him before, but that you also find highly infectious and unable to avoid joining in.

 

A lady was taking her time browsing through everything at a yard sale and said to the hostess, “My husband is going to be very angry when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale.”

And the hostess said, “I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the great bargains.”

The lady said, “Normally, yes. But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital.”

Ok Easters over, now what do you do with all those colored eggs? Chances are even if you didn’t make any yourself some desperate to be rid of them relative you can’t say no to without causing a family fracas foisted some off on you. No worries, as usually I’m going to help you good folks out with my personal Super Deluxe Egg Salad recipe to see you though. 

Lethal’s Super Deluxe Egg Salad

Prep Time: 10 minutes
Total Time: 1 hour, 10 minutes
Yield: 4 sandwiches

Ingredients

2 tablespoons chopped fresh dill2 tablespoons whole-grain, horseradish or Dijon mustard
4 oz. cream cheese, room temperature
2 Tablespoons celery, minced
    2 Tablespoon Mayo (or more if desired)
    1 Tablespoon Red onion, grated or 2 scallions chopped
    1/2 teaspoon lemon juice
    1 tablespoon minced fresh or 1 teaspoon dried parsley leaves
    1 teaspoon dried dill
    1/4 teaspoon salt
    1/8 teaspoon pepper
    1/8 teaspoon garlic powder or to taste
    6 hard boiled eggs, finely chopped or squished with a fork.
    Croissants, Pita, Bagels, English Muffin or Multigrain Bread
    Paprika or Cayenne (optional)
    Dill Pickle Relish or Minced green olives – well drained (optional)
    Bacon (optional)
    Minced radishes (optional)
    Lettuce Leaves

  Instructions

  In a medium bowl, cream together mustard and cream cheese until smooth.
  Stir in celery, mayo, onion, lemon juice, garlic powder, parsley, dill, salt and pepper until well blended.
  Add eggs and any of the optional ingredients. Mix well.
  Cover and chill for 1 hour or longer.

Serve on Croissants, Pita, Bagels, English Muffin or Multigrain Bread atop the lettuce leaves.
– Sprinkle with paprika or cayenne if desired.

To store: Place in an airtight plastic container with a folded paper towel on one side of the egg salad and clear wrap placed down over the top so no air gets to it. Will last 1 to 2 days.

I personally love this  with all the options and just a wee dusting of cayenne, open faced on top of a lightly toasted everything bagel or loaded into pita pockets. If using pitas and taking for lunch, be sure to line with lettuce cups to prevent any sogginess when lunch time arrives or assemble when ready to eat. Placing the egg salad in a small Ziploc style bag and snipping the corner off when ready to eat makes a great way to swiftly and neatly fill your pita pockets

Also here’s a tip for you: If you use the whipped cream cheese in the tub when a recipe like this calls for creaming it with other ingredients the creaming process becomes a snap. It also, assuming the recipe lends itself to it allows you to introduce other flavors into the dish by using a flavored cream cheese.  (Think chive or vegetable here for example). Measuring is very easy as a tub is 8 ounces so half a tub gives you the 4 ounces you need no fuss no muss no bother.

Tippurr one of the Ninja Kitties in training checking for a concealed safe.

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said “Give me Liberty, or give me Death?”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775.”

“Very good! Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'”?

Again, no response except from Martinez: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”, said Martinez.

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”

She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Mexicans.” “Who said that?” she demanded.

Martinez put his hand up. “Jim Bowie, 1836.”

At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”

The teacher glares and asks “All right! Now, who said that?”

Again, Martinez says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”

Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”

Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.”

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble!”

Martinez said, “Saddam Hussein 2003.”

 

THE MEDICAL DISTINCTION BETWEEN “GUTS” AND “BALLS”

We’ve heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”,  or with “Balls”. Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS – It is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts”  too ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS – It is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say:  ‘You’re next, Chubby.’

I trust this clears up any confusion.

As the resident Dr. of Quackery I can say with a certainty that:

Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome;

both are fatal…

Why Aliens Hide Their Existence From Us

 

(With apologies to both Johnny Cash and Home Free, as well as admiration for the song ‘Ring of Fire’ and much love for my buddy Impish Dragon of the bright shocking pink claws to whom this is dedicated)

Being Big Blue is a wondrous thing-
And having scales just makes me sing.
But because of my attempt at comedic satire-
I ran afoul of a Martian’s ire.

I turned into a furry thing of pink.
From atop my head the color did sink.
Then he made me furry, that Martian fink.
And it shames, shames, shames-
To be furry & pink,
To be furry & pink

The sound of laughter to me is sweet,
When humors like ours meet.
I fell for it like a child,
Oh, but then my mouth ran wiiiiillld.

I turned into a furry thing of pink.
From atop my head the color did sink.
Then he made me furry, that Martian fink.
And it shames, shames, shames-
My claws still are pink.
My claws still are pink.

My claws…
Stillllll pink.

Copyright 4/2017 Lethal Leprechaun for DragonLaffs.com

 

Think this is a joke? Can’t possibly be real?

Think again, its available on Amazon.

I’m fairly certain Impish just ordered one to assist him in dealing with his bright shocking pink claws.

My guess is it’s either a motorcycle helmet, or crash gear for the Eater Bunny.