Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

As you Probably noticed, I just a minute ago published Monday’s issue…well, I got tied up with alphabet organizations because of stuff we have going on out on the base and I didn’t realize I never set the issue up to post until I got up this morning.  And even then, not until I looked and saw it still sitting on my laptop, unfinished.  So, I quickly signed off of it and sent it on it’s way.

Sigh.

It’s gonna be one of those weeks.  I can feel it.

I’m gonna be outside of my solitude today.  I have face to face meetings scheduled, do not sure how much of this issue I will get done for you guys.  But I will do my best to have some laffs for you to enjoy.

So, without further ado…

This one comes from Papa Dragon Most Senior and it is sure to put a smile on your face.  Well worth the click.

This video from a Florida community will brighten up your day.

Notice the bright pink golf cart at the end of the driveway.

Turn up your sound and sing along.

 

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Andy Kent for sending along today’s report. From Kirksville, Missouri comes the story of a bozo husband and wife team who went into a local drug store and grabbed several handsful of film before fleeing. And our bozos might be happily taking pictures today except for one problem. They remembered to make their getaway with the film, but they forgot something else. Their six year old son who was also in the store. He’s staying with grandpa and grandma now since he was more than happy to tell the cops where his parents lived.

Good Morning Campers,
It’s Monday…the beginning of a new week.  The start of another grind.  The wheel in the cage starts to spin yet again for another week. 

 

Three drunk guys entered a taxi.  The taxi driver knew they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off again.  The he said, “We have reached your destination.”  The first guy gave him money and the second guy said, “Thank you.”  The third guy slapped the driver. 
The driver was shocked thinking the third drunk knew what he did.  But then he asked “What was that for?”  The third guy replied, “Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!”

FOR SALE:

Muhammad Ali DVD collection
George Foreman grill
Both boxed

I went to Walmart … I’ve never been so rudely treated in my life … all I did was ask for toilet paper at the service desk … the woman behind the counter yelled at the top of her lungs, “OH MY GOD, NO!!”
I politely said, “There’s no need to make a scene.” and shuffled back to the bathroom with my pants around my ankles.

Do you keep your money in the bank or at home?

ME:
In my memories.

I’m tired of people complaining about $7 beers, $10 parking and $20 cover charge.  Don’t like the prices, stop coming to my house.

To the thief who took my anti-depressants – I hope you’re happy!

I went outside to check on my plants.  I felt something cold and wet on my arm.  I looked down and saw a mosquito using a wet wipe before it bit me.

To Be Old And Wise

You Must First Be

Young And Stupid

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.  The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

 

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, “Nothing.”

 

She then said, “That’s what you did yesterday!”

 

I replied, “I WASN’T DONE , SO I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF FINISHING RIGHT NOW.”

 

The reason I said “nothing” instead of saying “just thinking” is because she then would have asked, “About what?”  At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.      

 

Finally I pondered an age old question:  “Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?”  Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?      

 

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.  Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn’t really know, here is the reason for my conclusion  A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.”      

 

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”      

 

I rest my case.

 

Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.

 

 

I got an awesome email from James C…the CAT guy…

This       Not and he included three tasteless jokes.  I was going to spread them around the issues, but then I thought I’d just include the whole email as it came to me, since it required me to have to spend an additional half an hour cleaning coffee off my computer screen.  So, I figured if I laughed that hard, some of you guys probably would, too.

Now, I’ll warn you the tasteless jokes aren’t for everyone.  But, I know that James and I aren’t the only ones with the warped sense of humor.

Hey hey hey!

Good to see you are upright and responsive. I was going to say bright eyed and bushy tailed, but that is a different George.
You mentioned jumping off bridges, which reminded me of a joke.

A middle aged woman is poised on the ledge of a bridge, about to jump. A passing cab driver screeches to a halt, rolls his window down and says, “hey lady! If you are going to kill yourself, how bout having sex with me first?” She doesn’t even turn her head to look at him, but says, “fuck off you creep!” As he begins to roll up the window, he says to her, “no problem, I’ll just wait for you at the bottom!” She didn’t jump.

Some people like that one, lots don’t. I don’t write them, I just relay them.

Tasteless joke #2.   Two guys in a foxhole in Vietnam, 1972. Grunt #1 says to his mate, “I am going crazy, if I don’t find a piece of ass soon my nuts are gonna explode.” He climbs out of the foxhole and runs off into the jungle. 2 days later he comes running back and jumps into the hole, huffing and puffing. “Where the hell did you go?” Says #2. #1 says, “you are not going to believe this….I came across a Vietnamese chick and we been screwing for 2 days!” #2 says, “TWO days? Really?” “You bet”, says #1. “We have done every position in the book, and then some!” #2 says, “did you get a blowjob?” “No,” says #1, “I couldn’t find her head!”

Tasteless joke #3 (because bad things come in threes)
When Lorena Bobbit cut off her old mans wiener, she drove down the street and then threw it out the window, where it hits, and sticks to, the windshield of the car behind her. In it, is a man and his 5 year old daughter. He is initially horrified, but quickly turns on his wipers, which wipe it out of view. “What was THAT daddy?”, says the girl. He is thinking, what can I say? She’s only five! So he says, “it must have been a bug, or an insect of some kind”. She looks at him with wonder, “WOW! It sure had a big cock!”

On that note, I will issue my standard, but sincere, heartfelt wish for your continued good health and spirits, and for your family also. You are the catalyst responsible for a lot of peoples smiles, globally. That’s quite something. I know I have sure had some good, out loud, laughs, at something you have put online. The least I could do is try to return the favor. If you so desire, I will handpick a couple of my best and send them as often as you like.
With that, I tip my hat in your general direction good sir. Til next time, take care.

PS. A guy called me the other day, saying he had a Cat for me to fix. I asked him what year it was. He says, “do they go by year?” Ummmm…wrong number pal. I’m a mechanic, not a veterinarian. (A person could always use their Star Trek voice, “damnit Jim! I’m a mechanic, not a veterinarian!”
Talk to you later.
James.

Thanks for the email, James.  And thanks for making me laugh.

Leah D.

Every time I have to clean a stove, fridge, whatever, I KNOW it was designed by men.
Every time I have to deal with a pandemic, I get the same feeling.
Right off the bat, I could see the lack of pre-planning and organization, that’s a man thing.
The Great Toilet paper HUNT, complete with wrestling and knock down fights . . . do I need to say it?
I’m just guessing, but who decided ALL hospitals would be used to treat ‘Rona?
The same people who take over the entire house when the Super Bowl is on.
As if the every day to day routine with everything in it’s place, but ready to take care of any issues of bleeding heads and broken bones, heart attacks and having babies is put on hold, until after the game plays out.
If a woman had been in charge, they would have assigned one hospital in the big cities, to stay ‘Rona free.

Well Leah, I can’t, of course, speak for ALL men, but I can say that I, personally, didn’t have anything to do with planning for this pandemic, unless it was Air Force planning, and then, yes, I admit to some pre-planning in that regard.  The whole toilet paper thing…I got nothin’…I still haven’t figured out how difficulty breathing, fever, headaches, and a few other symptoms such as losing your sense of taste and smell translates into hoarding toilet paper.  But, I will say, in all honesty, I’ve seen more women fighting over toilet paper than men.

And as far as hospitals go…out here…we DID keep one of our two hospitals Corona free…so… I got nothing for you today.

Stephanie

Don’t really notice much of a shortage. I suppose I’m fortunate to be able to find what I need. However after your ordeal trying to find cream of chicken soup, I looked last time we shopped and down south we didn’t have any either. I did find a real good substitute, cream of cauliflower. I’m serious, toss in a little flavoring and no one can tell the difference.

Chicken or Cauliflower….hmmm…I don’t know…let’s see

I’m pretty sure I can tell the difference there…but just to be fair, let’s try it one more time, but a little different

Nope, nope…I got that that one, too. 

Ow!  Okay, so I deserved that one, cause I was, indeed picking on you, dear friend, but since I am a big fan of chicken and … not so much of the white broccoli, as my mom used to call it to try and get us to eat it (it didn’t work), I’m not sure what you’re suggesting would really work, but…in a pinch, I would give it a try.  It seems to me I read some where that you can use powdered cauliflower as breading for a more healthy fried chicken…or maybe I am mistaken.

Thanks for the letter, dear friend, and for allowing me to poke a little fun.

And yet another one the kids won’t get.

OH MY GOODNESS!!!! Now I am going to inherit 2.8 million dollars!!! It says so right here in this email!

INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUND (IMF) WASHINGTON D.C

DEPT: WORLD DEBT RECONCILIATION AGENCIES.

ADVISE: YOUR OUTSTANDING PAYMENT NOTIFICATION

A power of attorney was forwarded to our office this morning by two gentle men, one of them is an American national and he is MR DAVID DEANE by name while the other person is MR… JACK MORGAN by name a CANADIAN national.

This gentlemen claimed to be your representative, and this power of attorney stated that you are dead, they brought an account to replace your information in other to claim your fund of $2.8 Million Usd which is now lying DORMANT and UNCLAIMED, below is the new account they have submitted:

BANK.-HSBC CANADA

Vancouver, CANADA

ACCOUNT NO. 2984-0008-66

Be further informed that this power of attorney also stated that you suffered and died of throat cancer. You are therefore given 24hrs to confirm the truth in this information, If you are still alive, You are to contact us back immediately, Because we work 24 hrs just to ensure that we monitor all the activities going on in regards to the transfer of beneficiaries inheritance and contract payment.

You are to reply to this office immediately for clarifications on this matter as we shall be available 24 hrs to attend to you and give you the necessary guidelines on how to ensure that your payment is wired to you immediately.This measure is being taken to avoid making payment into wrong hands because the payment is ready to wired. We hope you will avail yourself the opportunity by complying with the above directive, so as to enable us release your fund as scheduled.

Just also be informed that any further delay from your side could be dangerous, as we would not be held responsible of wrong payment.Note importantly that, you might likely receive this message in your inbox, spam or junk folder which happens as a result of your web host, while I look forward hearing from your Swift reply regarding this update.

Mr Solomon Benard

Hot Line: +1 202-643-5828

Finance Department Director

International Monetary Funds Agents

Wow!  I have to get Mr. Solomon Benard on the phone RIGHT NOW!!!!  What’s that you say?  I should check it out, first?  But, I found it in my junk folder.  There’s no telling how long it’s been in there.  My 24 hours could be running out!  I have to hurry.  I could already be dead from throat cancer!

Okay, okay!  Let’s see…I’ll check out the International Monetary Fund in Washington, D.C. first…well, let’s see, it says right here that such a place actually exists…um…but that they have nothing to do with International transfers and that several scams have been perpertrated in their name…but that can’t be the case this time!  I know it isn’t!  So…so…let’s …I KNOW!  I’ll do a search for Mr. Solomon Benard’s phone number!  202-643-5828…

Well look!  There’s my EXACT email, right there… in the SCAM WARNING!  Why that son-of-a-bitch!  It says that the phone number belongs to an apparently defunct Polynesian entertainment company in the DC area.  Well, shit!

Okay, seriously dear campers.  I’m sure none of you thought I was being serious…and if you did, I have some ocean front property in Arizona to sell you.  Just be careful.  There are ALL kinds of shady stupid people out there who are trying like hell to take advantage of you and if a deal seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Yeah, so this went out a bit late, cause I got tied up dealing with alphabet people.  Sending it out right now.

Love to you all.

Cheers!

Good Morning Campers,
     A relaxing and easy day today…yeah, right.  It’s Saturday here.  Sunday for you guys, and it’s already the middle of the afternoon before I started this thing.  Why is it the middle of the afternoon before I started this thing?
      Because my morning has already been CRAZY!  Phone calls and emails and text messages and … oh my dear dragon!
     Although….
     After it was all said and done, all the bad stuff that was coming down yesterday, that I couldn’t talk about, all the secret squirrel stuff that was winding up and making my life an anxious ball of molten fire, it all fell through and is not going to happen.  Praise God!
     They canceled out and are going somewhere else!  Yay!
Oh, on the plus side, I did manage to go out and mow the lawn this morning.  I even managed to do that before all the rain started, so that’s a good thing and it was even relaxing, in it’s own way.  As much as riding around on the back of a lawn mower, getting poked with sticks and branches, and stabbed with thorns and thistles, can be relaxing, then yeah, it was relaxing.
      Anyway, I think I’ve rambled on about nothing for long enough.  I know I’m bored out of my mind, and it’s not much of a mind to be bored out of, so I’m sure you guys are plenty ready to move on past this minutia and get on to the good stuff.  I did notice that we have some letters and comments to get to today, so it should be quite the interesting day…, but first, what do you say we start with some laughter?

 

Today I gave my dead batteries away.

They were free of charge.

What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down?

Is it chloroform?

Probably another one of those the youngsters won’t get.

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste?  Looking back on my exes I think I’ve been infected for years…

The Governor of Texas has extended the “Stay At Home” order until the Dallas Cowboys win the Super Bowl…doesn’t look good for Texas.

Please wear a mask. 

Nothing to do with the Coronavirus.

Some of y’all are just ugly.

Got a letter from James C.  You guys remember James C.  He had the really cool company name…you’ll see it at the end of his letter after the picture.  Yup, he sent a picture, too.  I really love letters, and love letters with pictures even more!!!

Well, my fire breathing friend, things have really changed. Streets are much more quiet, everything’s closed, people are nervous, jumpy, and downright paranoid.
Me? Busier than a whore on payday. Repairs don’t get done by themselves, and since I repair transportation, paving, marine, and food service equipment, I got an essential services certificate so the hordes don’t stop me from getting on the ferry when I have to go out of town for work. So far so good.
Everything is a bitch though. I fucking near starved during the 4 days I was out doing field repairs. McDonalds gets really old, really fast. Public restrooms are closed. Great. This is going to be like central Africa with everyone digging pit latrines.
Oh well. Could be worse.i could be stuck at home, or in a cubicle.  I’m still getting my vitamin D.  I hope you are doing ok…seriously. Talk to you later.
James

IFIXCATS Mobile Heavy Equipment repair.

      First of all James, thanks for the letter.  Love the picture, too.  I agree with your assessment.  We’ve had several scares here, of which, if you were paying attention at the beginning, I can’t really talk about, but suffice it to say, they’ve let the crazies out of the loony bin and put them in charge.  I’m glad that I am teleworking, but also have the freedom to come and go as I please.  I get out to the base often enough to stretch my legs and keep an eye on things, but keep away enough to keep my self and my family safe, so I’m good.
      Yeah, closing the public restroom thing makes no friggin’ sense to me at all.  WASH YOUR HANDS!  But do it somewhere else.  What possible sense does that make?  I’m truly glad you are able to be out and about and have and “essential ticket”.  Be well my friend and keep writing and letting us know how you are.
Cheers!  Impish D

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jeff Kimmey for sending in today’s report. From Oklahoma City, Oklahoma comes the story of bozo Kenneth Waymire who had just bonded out of jail. Not surprisingly, our bozo was in a big hurry to get home. Too much of a hurry as it turns out. He hadn’t gone very far before he was angered by a slow moving van on the highway. Our road-raging bozo veered in front of the van, making obscene gestures at the occupants and generally harassing them. When the van pulled into a parking lot, he wheeled up beside them and jumped out of the car. Unfortunately for our bozo the occupants got of their van also. All seven of them. Members of the Oklahoma City Police department’s tactical unit, in full riot gear. A check of our bozo’s car turned up some crack cocaine. He was given a speedy ride back to jail.

I made the mistake of telling my husband an early symptom of COVID is loss of smell.

He’s taken to passing gas in my vicinity and then when I react, informing me his helpfully “performing a health check.”

He taught the children the technique.

I may divorce him.

Breaking:  Everyone at CNN has TESTED POSITIVE for Stupidity

Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?

Brochure.

Don’t let anyone tell you to stay inside just because there is a tornado warning.  It’s your RIGHT to be outside.  More people die from the flu than from tornados.  That’s right snowflake, it’s your right honey.  And it’s your right to stand outside in a lightning storm, but do me a favor first, would you please, sweet heart?  Hold this metal rod way up high?  Thank you, luv..

I don’t really get it, myself.  If I didn’t play darts I probably wouldn’t even have an account.

Okay, let’s get one thing perfectly clear, shall we.  Right now, this very second in fact, somewhere in prison, someone’s asshole is being traded for a Little Debbie snack cake and it’s probably not the person’s asshole who’s even getting the Little Debbie.  So no!  You being stuck in your house, with your stuff, is NOT just like being in prison.  Have we cleared that up for you, cupcake?

I’m as bored as an Amish electrician.

Ontario has banned groups larger than 5.

If you’re a family of 6, you’re all about to find out who’s the least favorite!

The longer this goes on  Happy Hour is starting earlier and earlier.

If this keeps up, I’ll be pouring wine in my cereal!

Okay, today, let’s review how important spelling is

Let’s do some mail from the comments section, shall we?

TOM H

I’ve been to the local Walmart twice recently, looking for Raid® specifically, but willing to accept anything else on the shelf. There were no cans, bottles, strips, anything. What, are people using insecticide to spray the Wuhan bug? Or is it also being hoarded, in case there’s a shortage? I”m in Wood River, Il.

That’s funny Tom.  I actually went to the store the other day and one of the things I picked up was a can of Raid for ants, living in a house that’s got 120 year old bones means that occasionally in the spring time we get critters.  We usually get one mouse a year, I’ve already killed him, and we get ants that I have to stay on top of.  I think they like to walk in along the dryer vent, because I normally find them along near the washer and dryer.  Mrs. Dragon said she had noticed some in there so I had sprayed along the base boards and noticed my can was getting a little light, so while I was at Walmart last I picked up a new can and we had plenty here.  Let’s see.  I was in the Wabash,  Indiana store.  LOL.  Only 315 miles away.   Damn, speaking of Walmart, I just got a First Alert Flash that there was a shooting, just now in the Kokomo Walmart.  One person in custody, four others being sought.  Have to watch the news to see what that’s all about.

boopluver

Hello from ohio…just wanted to let you know I went to the store no butter again…I mean yeah that expensive butter..but I am afraid to ask why would someone want all that butter…but this is Wal-Mart but down the street they have plenty…and wal mart finally has toilet paper and more than 4 rolls..but no hand sanitizer or rubbing alcohol ..if I could find aloe Vera and rubbing alcohol make my own…we still are in home schooling mode ..things are not reopening yet…and I really hope that I gradual…just think of all the stories you can tell your grandchildren…keep up the good work…it is nice to laugh and smile once in awhile…since Riley does not talk…I feel my conversations with her are wasted…but nice to hear a voice other than the ones in my head

Okay, so Walmart doesn’t have Raid or butter…I’m sensing a pattern here.  Although, one is in Ohio and one is in Illinois and Indiana is in between.  Now, I haven’t checked our Walmart for butter…well, actually, I DID buy butter, but the regular kind, not the expensive kind…although I do like that Irish, grass fed butter.  I do think it odd, that butter needs to eat grass, but that’s another story and as far as reopening goes, we all just need to sit back and watch Georgia implode to see how that works out.  And who knows…maybe it will.  I doubt it but maybe it will.

Leah D

My daughter bought her dad some fresh berries, which he likes to pour a little whipping cream on. No cream, she had to buy cool whip!
I have needed Jet Blue or a comparable rinse aid for my dish washing. None! I’ve been looking for several weeks. I guess since people are at home, having to cook their own meals, there is a big rise in the need for dishwasher supplies?
I have been looking for PainStop and Theraworxs. I can find them, but the prices are enormous for such small bottles!
But we can live without those items. What I really NEED, is a miracle, so my brother can live.

I’m sensing a pattern here.  Leah, did your daughter try to buy her cream at Walmart?  I’m just askin’ cause there seems to be a theme going on here today with you guys…
And your Jet Blue, PainStop, Theraworxs, you guys all going to Walmart?
Anyway, what’s this about your brother needing a miracle?  Is this the one that works in the lab?  What’s up with that?

Why is immature spelled I’m mature?

Went to this horrible bar called the Fiddle.  It really was a vile inn.

I just saw a report that said that a trust source out of Japan says that Kim Jung Un is dead and another one says that he is unresponsive.  Seems the heart surgeon who was doing his routine heart surgery and putting in a stint, his hands were shaking so badly that he botched the surgery…I can understand why.  He and his entire family was probably under the threat of death if he screwed up and so what happens…he is so scared he screwed up.  But, what do I know.

So, we’ve gone over an awful lot of stuff today and had a whole lot of fun.  I’ve still got a bunch of emails to get to, but hey, isn’t that what tomorrow is for?  People are starting to do some stupid shit out there, but that doesn’t mean that you guys have to do stupid shit.  I expect bigger and better things out of each and every one of you than that.  Just because your friends jump off a bridge, doesn’t mean you have to.  Anyway, like always, you can reach me at impishdragon@gmailcom or by leaving a comment at the blog and also, like always, you guys have my love.
Until next time.
Cheers!
Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

It is Friday for me, even though you guys are reading this on Saturday and it is the end of a LONG week.  I don’t think I have ever needed a weekend more in my entire life than I do this one.  But, I can’t help but think that they aren’t really gonna leave me alone this weekend, no matter how much I try to ignore my phone or my email. 
Man, it sure is a good thing that I love my job.
At least that’s what I keep telling myself!  LOL!
But, hey!  How is everyone doing out there?
Write to me and let me know how you are getting by…let me know some of the things you are doing to pass the time…show us some pictures of what it’s like where you are.

impishdragon@gmail.com

Now, let’s start this weekend out with some laughs and then just laugh some more and maybe we’ll even tell some stories or something and throw in a few laughs.

For the second part of this quarantine, do we have to stay with the same family or can we be relocated?

Asking for a friend!

Oh man, that’s gonna leave a mark…

 

What if this quarantine is just the aliens fattening us up before the big harvest?

 

I’ve decided…today I’m going to give it my some!

I’ve got to stop quarantine drinking…I thought these were baby dinosaurs

I haven’t been drinking at all, and that’s exactly what I thought they were, too!

I just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.  I asked him what he was doing?  He said, “Working from h0me.”

The Powerball is up to an 18 pack of Charmin.

Okay, so aren’t the toilet paper jokes getting a little old?  I haven’t had any trouble finding toilet paper for several weeks now.  Anyone out there still having a shortage?  In fact, I haven’t noticed a shortage of ANYTHING on the shelves lately, except hand sanitizer.  The stores STILL haven’t gotten that back in.  The one thing that I had been having trouble finding, distilled water, is back on the shelves now and it’s not been out again.  Now mind you, the local store is still rationing water.  You are limited to 3.  That is 3 gallons or 3 cases or any combination thereof.  So, I normally get a case of drinking water and two gallons of distilled water and that lasts us.

What is it that you guys can’t find?

Oh yeah!  I couldn’t find Cream of Chicken Soup…odd as that sounds.  I’ll have to check and see if that’s back on the shelf the next time I go in.

Hormel made their first batch of SPAM in 1937.  The company has just announced that due to hoarding by consumers, they are going to make a second batch.

And just like that…
Having a mask, rubber gloves, duct tape, plastic sheeting, and rope in your trunk is okay.

That’s actually really cute….what the hell am I saying!!!  I really gotta get out more!

The Police want you to know that running from them is NOT social distancing.

Oh dear Lord!  Now what the hell is wrong with crows!

No hair salons, nail salons, or tanning beds…some of you guys are about to meet your girlfriends for the very first time!!!

Isn’t that sweet…did you guys hear about that?  Fat little Korean kid has had a heart attack or he had heart surgery…seems he’s fat and he smokes.  Hell, I’m fat and I smoke…mind you I smoke cigars … occasionally, he probably smokes like cheap Korean brand camels unfiltered non-stop … and I have the heart of a 19 year-old!  (It’s sitting right over there in that jar) no seriously, that’s what the doctor said.  Fat little Korean kid is 36!  It’s karma!  You can’t feed your relatives to dogs or shoot them with artillery rounds and expect God to be happy with you.  The real problem is that his sister is his second in command and she’s supposed to be worse than he is. 
You can bitch about our system all you want, but it beats the hell out of THAT!  Why the hell their own people haven’t revolted by now is beyond me.
But it is nice that he wants to donate all his pantsuits to Hillary.  They wear the same size.

Our mythological buddy Sasquatch sent this very timely essay.  It’s liable to be helpful to some of you, familiar to most of you, but worth reading for all of us…

The True Meaning of Stress

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience; with a raised glass of water, and everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, ‘half empty or half full?’….. she fooled them all…. “How heavy is this glass of water?”, she inquired with a smile..

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it.

If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance. In each case it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.” She continued, “and that’s the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won’t be able to carry on.”

“As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden – holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don’t carry them through the evening and into the night… pick them up tomorrow.

Whatever burdens you’re carrying now, let them down for a moment. Relax, pick them up later after you’ve rested. Life is short. Enjoy it and the now ‘supposed’ stress that you’ve conquered!”

1 * Accept the fact that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully… It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker..

5 * If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it..

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can’t push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live..

15 * You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.

20 * It was I, your friend!

*Save the earth….. It’s the only planet with chocolate!

Definitely worthy words to read. 

Speaking of toilet paper jokes and having plenty.

I found out that saying, “There, there little girl” to a pissed off grown man only makes things worse.

Finally!!!!! Someone is finally willing to willing to pay us the respect we are due!!!  Lethal Leprechaun would be so proud.  I got this email today.

Hello ,

We have gone through your country’s investment profile and history and we are interested to invest with you, we will be willing to collaborate with you and invest a substantial amount of money in your business or we can partner with you to set up a new one on shares equability.

Our group is a major player in diversified investments in the middle-east, Africa, Europe, we believe in pursuing a positive goal, in which your ideas can be enhanced potentially for our mutual benefits.

As we seek new frontier and opportunities, we look forward to work together.

Best regards,

Mr. Dennis Clark

Finally, our mythical land has been recognized as its own country by somebody!!!!!  What a proud day!  I can’t wait to get a hold of Mr. Dennis Clark and let him know just how interested we are in taking his money!!!  Should I be concerned that I found the email in my Junk Email folder?

Nah!!!!!

She may not realize it, but the mattress cover that she took out of that zippered bag that she’s wearing over her head was probably made in China…just sayin’.

I always wondered what happened to the Unknown Comic…and yes, that’s another one of those references that you younger folks are probably gonna have to Google to get.

I like the shrouded cart…but doesn’t that just carry everything back home with her?

This one is multipurpose…

And this one was just too damn cute not to share!  Although, I’d worry about a limited air supply…

And the

Award goes to…

They vote…they have driver’s licenses…they are out there.

And appropriate for 2020

Got a message from our mythical buddy Sasquatch…

Sasquatch

Another excellent posting. I’m not sure about Yeti, that’s a different branch of the family. Every time people hear yeti these days they think of coolers and want to put a case of beer in me. Ya know, as long as they don’t want it back I guess I don’t mind. Stay safe and keep laughing.

Yeah, okay.  I take your point.  Sasquatch it is.  Although, you can’t argue with the free suds.

Okay, it’s really simple… when you pick up a product in the store, turn it over and look at the bar code.  If the first three numbers are 690-699 it’s made in China.  Put it back down and find something else.  Literally, anything else.  They want to withhold medicine from us, they want to NOT tell us about a killer virus while they negotiate a trade deal and write a clause into the deal KNOWING the virus was coming.  Now they are telling us that they will withhold the medicine that we need because we are calling them out on it.  So FUCK them.  My family is not and will not EVER again buy ANYTHING made in China.  I don’t care what it is, we will do without. 

I know I won’t be able to do that 100% because there are some things I don’t have control over, but there are a lot of things I do have, and for those that I do…I’m going to do my damnedest to buy American…which, by the way is 000 thru 139 (basically).  Other countries are ok.  Canada falls in the same number realm as the United States and also 754 to 755.  Our buddy Peter from Deception Bay in Australia is 930-939.

But nothing that is 690-699.  NOTHING!

I wonder what he did to get in trouble?

When my son failed a math test before March 10, 2020: “Did you not study?  Are you not paying attention in class?  Do you need a tutor?”

When my son fails a math test today: “Well, buddy, we did our best.”

Animal Fun Fact: Giraffes can grow up to 14 feet.  However most just have 4.

A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree.  Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait!  I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack grinned and said, “And you will dialogue.”

I worry about how much of this teaching is going on.

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

It’s all about raisin awareness.

Two rival archeologists were excavating a lost temple of Norse Gods in Iceland.

In the middle of the dig was a golden statue of the god of Thunder with two huge rubies for eyes.

They each claimed the find as their own and this sparked a physical confrontation.  They punched and kicked each other until they both fell down exhausted. 

Their assistants just looked at each other , shrugged, and one said …

“Well that was a fight for Thor eyes.”

Hey!  You can blame all of these on Stephanie!  Not me!  Just sayin’…

What do you call birds who stick together?

Vel-crows…

And that’s it for today my fellow campers.  Thanks for joining in.  I hope to see you all here again tomorrow.  Love to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

And what a crazy morning it is!  A bunch a crazy shit going on here!  Suffice it to say, that the government squirrels are going bonkers in their bunkers and they are taking it out on this poor little dragon. 

We’re having some fun!

I’m gonna write a book…but not until all of this is over.  “How to Survive the Crazy” by Impish Dragon.  It would be a best seller.  On the New York Times Best Seller List for an amazing 100 weeks in a row.

Chapter One: Settle the Fuck Down, People

I was born a poor blue child….

Anyway, it’s time…time to laugh and sing the song of my people.  The song of deep belly laughs and little stomach chuckles.

Me posting nonsense will continue during the lockdown because it is classified as an Essential Service

Corona free man seeks corona free lady with toilet paper.  Send pictures of toilet paper!

Wanna find out who your real friends are?

Ask them to borrow a roll of toilet paper.

DO NOT call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood!

Those are just your neighbors without make-up and hair extensions!

Smoking pot and skipping school had me in trouble constantly.
Now weeds legal and schools closed … damn kids are livin’ the dream!

On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.

Runs until Friday.

A man with unwanted house guests hired a Polka Band to annoy them until they left.

It’s all going accordion to plan.

Here is a really cool list of things sent by our good buddy Sasquatch!  And it’s called:

The Scale of Things

1.  This is a giant leather back sea turtle.  They grow up to 7 feet long and weigh up to 2,000 pounds

2.  How many earths would be able to fit inside the sun?  1.3 million Earths!

3.  Here’s an average sized giant African land snail:

4.  Eagle talons are enormous:

5.  The size of an average blue whale’s heart:

6.  The Titanic in a comparison with a modern cruise liner:

7.  Quetzalcoatlus Northropi – the largest flying animal to ever live:

(Well, technically, dragons aren’t mere animals, we are intelligent creatures, so …. hurmmph!!)

8.  A pair of fully-inflated horse lungs:

9.  This is how big a moose really is:

10.  Nice to meet you

11.  Some road signs really are that huge!

12.  Saltwater crocodiles are huge compared to fresh water crocs

13.  The view from Earth if our moon was replaced by Saturn:

14.  The terrifying size of a gorilla’s hand

15.  Standing beside a single wind turbine blade

16.  Comparing a comet to the city of Los Angeles

17.  Here’s a giant oceanic manta ray.

18.  Here’s how big the United States is in comparison with the moon.

Yeti, (can I call you Yeti) my mythological brother, thanks for sharing such cool pics with the rest of us.  Nice break from the laughter. 

Day 1 of working from home: My wife has already filed an HR complaint.

No need to worry…it’s just me and my friends…and we’re from the government…we’re here to help

And this next one is liable to replace the ultimate one…you know, this one

But this next one…..this one is almost as good…if not better

Yeah, baby!  That’s what I’m talking about!

Due to the Coronavirus, I will no longer allow hand shaking, fist bumping, or giving hugs.  You may bow to me or give me the finger.  Your choice.

I have the same problem

This last one is from brother Wheats!  He made it himself and I think it’s excellent!  Thanks brother Wheats, I hope you’re feeling better. 

And as to the rest of you, that’s it for me

Remember, you can reach me at impishdragon@gmail.com.  Please don’t forget me, the submissions have been falling off, as of late and I haven’t heard from you guys lately.

Be well, be safe, stay home.

Love you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon