Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

If I had to guess, I would guess that you would get this issue on Monday.  I think that I will be able to publish on the following schedule … Saturday (because that is my usual day to publish and I am using that as my base point),  Monday (because that is two days after Saturday), Thursday (because that is two days after Monday if you skip Tuesday because that is darts nights and there really isn’t anything else that can go on that night because it’s pretty busy that night) and that brings us back around to Saturday again.  Does that sound fair to everyone?  Now, that’s with me working my regular work schedule.  If I have to go out of town, like I might have to do the first week of August, that might change things.  It might make it easier to publish, it might make it harder, I won’t really know until I get there.

They have asked me and a couple of other guys to drive out to Andrews AFB to help them build an exercise.  Usually a 9 to 5 kind of thing and depending on what kind of night life they have there, I may have plenty of time to write to you guys.  We’ll have to see.

If nothing else, I got the app on my phone so that I can send you guys some updates and some pictures from my trip.

ANYWAY … enough of that crap…let’s get to the fun stuff!!!!

I always like, “Oh, did you ever do Porn?”

Okay, we’ll do some beer quotes for the next little bit …

How do you know a man is thinking about his future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

And there she is …

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.

Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent to losing a balloon.

24 hours in a day …

24 beers in a case …

Coincidence?

Life / Beer

are very similar …

CHILL

for best results.

Beergasm:  The climatic moment when you take that first sip of BEER at the end of the day.

I tried to be good …

But then the bonfire was lit and there was beer.

Therapy might help.  But so does sitting around a bonfire with a beer and the people you love.

When I was little I learned what schizophrenia was from TV and for a while I wa really afraid because I thought I had it since I always heard my own voice in my head so finally I told a doctor and he informed me that what I was experiencing was called thinking.

And obviously run-on sentences.

Yup, that’s how it’s done.  I’ve got friends like this … if you’re lucky, you do, too.

Burglar’s relative says: “He could have used a warning shot first…”

From WTTC News in Dallas, we get this heartwarming tale of a long-time criminal 33year old Deyfon Pipkin, who tried to climb in a window of a Texas home.

 

The elderly owner occupant saw him and fired one shot, ending Deyfon’s criminal career.

As the police do, they came by to investigate, gathered the corpse, then went to notify Deyfon’s family of his unfortunate demise. It seems that the family was very upset, because they showed up at the scene.
 
“He could have used a warning,” Lakesha Thompson, Pipkins’ sister-in-law, complained. “He could have let him know that he did have a gun on his property, and he would use it in self-defense.  How’s he gonna make a honest living for his family if some old dude who don’t need the money caps his ass first without a warning shot?”

COMMENTS FROM THE SIDELINE:

“That’s certainly true, Lakesha. He could also have invited him in and given him a beer, then helped him cart the TV out to the curb”.
 
“Unfortunately for Deyfon, Texas is a Castle Doctrine state, and the homeowner chose to shoot Deyfon, as is right and proper to do in Texas.
 
“For that matter, Lakesha, you could have warned Deyfon. Why didn’t YOU tell him: “Deyfon, yo’ needs to quit breakin’ into those peoples’ houses and stealin they shit.  Someone is goins to pop a cap in yo’ ass'”
 
“In light of the steadily increasing cost of ammunition, coupled with the rising scarcity of ammunition, a warning shot is a frivolous and unnecessary expense.”
 
“And, in this case a substantial savings of taxpayer money was a side result… no investigation expense, no jail time awaiting trial, no expense of a trial, and no prison costs after sentencing.

As a taxpayer … maybe not a Texas taxpayer, but a taxpayer none-the-less, I appreciate the savings.  And folks … I just pass the stories on, you can’t make this shit up.

Doctor said if I have the vasectomy, I wouldn’t have any kids … I had the operation, got home … they’re still fucking here …

The following is not a political ad …

Just an excuse to post boobs.

Exactly what we deserve at this point.

Got this special email from Tom J.

Greetings to you Impish and Mrs. Dragon also. I know I’m late, but I still want to say “Happy Anniversary to you both!” It’s hard to capture dragons in love on film but I have a special camera and was able to get this;

I celebrated with my special girl in June when we had our 42nd year of marriage. And you sure are right about the “best friend” because there could never be a better one!

I wish you another happy 25 years as you move towards the golden one.

Thanks for all the laughs and other things you bring us. You are the best.

Tom

Thank you ever so much for that Tom.  That’s very special and much appreciated by Mrs. Dragon and I.

Coincidentally, I received an email from Joe L in Beesley’s Point, NJ who is also celebrating 42, but his and Mrs. Joe are in November.  Lots of 42’s this year!  Congrats to you all!

It’s that time of the year again … well, it isn’t really, but we are doing it a little early this year due to popular demand … to pay the bills and we are looking for donations.  Every little bit helps.  Look for this link:

It resides in the upper right hand column.  And your donation helps to keep this little endeavor of mine going and keeps it ad free.  I’ve resisted for many, many years putting ads in here because I hate ads when I go to websites.  I truly do and I resolved that if I ever got to that point that I would quit doing it.  With your help over the years I haven’t had to do it and so far it’s worked out fairly well.  Here are the people we’ve got to thank so far this year:

Chuck G.     Donald G.     Ronald W.     Theodore K.     Mark M.     Michael C.     Steven H.     Joseph P.    Henry S.    Leah H.    Scott H.     William E.

What you have done is so generous, thank you so very much … and for those of you who are going to donate, thank you, also.  And for those of you who wish to, but can’t, thank you too.  No worries.  I understand and don’t wish anyone to do more than they can.

Now, let’s get back to the good stuff, shall we?  Yes, I think we shall …

How am I supposed to trust you, when you keep running away every time I untie you?

PUBS:  The official sunblock of Ireland

Never laugh at your wife’s choices … you are one of them.

I’m so busy I don’t whether I found a rope or lost a horse.

I’m more confused than a chameleon in a bag of skittles.

My heart says chocolate and wine but my jeans say, for the love of God woman, eat a salad!

No, I don’t need Anger Management, you need to stop PISSING me off!

A little gray hair is a small price to pay for all this wisdom!

Some days the supply of curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.

Lynn sent me this link to a YouTube video that I believe is well worth watching.  Whether you believe or not, it will give you information you didn’t have before:

YouTube already trying to censor this video.

Watch before that happens and they take it down.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/-fhGV1LxeKQ

I imagine this is a favorite place for couples to have pictures taken.

And with that lovely picture fresh in your brain, we are going to end this issue right here and call it a day.

Love and Happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Saturday.  The weekend, and I can’t believe how fast this week has gone by!  It’s friggin’ amazing!  Took the week off to be with my lovely wife, even if we didn’t really do anything and the time has just flew past.  Just being able to spend time with her is enough. 

What am I saying?  We didn’t do anything!  We bought a new Range and a new fridge, repaired a bunch of stuff around the house and just had a LOVELY 25th wedding anniversary!  So, I suppose it’s all relevant. 

But, it has been fun.  Of course, it’s been fun.  We’ve actually had several of the people that have waited on us tell us what a “fun” couple we are.  Which is nice to hear.  If only they knew the real truth.  I need a meme or a gif for “evil laughter” or maybe “maniacal laughter”… there’s always this one from Princess Bride.  Truly a classic.  But, it just doesn’t fit right in with what I’m trying to put across.  I’ll have to keep looking.  Maybe the Brain from Pinky and the Brain.  Except he never laughs, he just wants to take over the world.  Best evil laugh ever though has to be Ted Danson  from The Good Place.  If you haven’t seen the show, it’s worth watching for his laughter alone.  Overall, it was a pretty good show.  I’d give it 4 out of 5 fireballs.

Anyway, I think it’s time to get on to more important things … like laughter and forgetting that the world is a strange and unusual place right now and that we have to wear a mask to go to the grocery store and that George fucking Soros is trying to take over the world. 

So onward t’ward the laughter then …

‘Tis this way …

Okay, so not a funny picture … but certainly an awesome one!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Plantation, Florida where bozo Alfred Flemming walked into the World Savings Bank and demanded money. When the teller told him she had nothing to put the cash in, our bozo reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out an envelope and handed it to her. Unfortunately, in his haste, our bozo didn’t notice that when he pulled out the envelope, a business card and a blank check fell out also. He didn’t bother to pick them up but the cops did and were waiting for him when he arrived home.

Yup, you’re a right friggin’ idiot.

Okay, this next one is all me …

The previous has been an Impish Dragon creation. LOL!

The ONLY thing I dig about wearing a mask is it covering my double chin … I can see why you men like beards …

That is really gross!

Waiter:  “How do you like your steak, sir?”

Sir:  “Like winning an argument with my wife.”

Waiter:  “Rare it is!”

More than 300 men and women have died in the line of duty in Philadelphia since 1828.

I’ve opened a can of worms.

They just sit there, the worms.

Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

I have a “WTF is wrong with people” moment at least four times a day.

Let’s do the mail …

Lona

Happy Anniversary …25 more HAPPY YEAR

Thanks Lona!  Much appreciated.

I got an email from Dave that’s really to Leah D.  It goes like this…

Leah D.

I wanted to send you a gift of silver to celebrate a quarter year of marriage . . .

 

Shouldn’t this be quarter century?  Do you really want to start over?

Dave

Ouch!  Although … starting over does have its advantages … especially if I have the knowledge that I have now … nah, I got these scars and wrinkles, I think I’ll keep them.  Thanks Dave!

It’s a good point to make my reminder and my plea for funds.  I gotta pay the bills and I’m asking for your help.  This is coming a little early this year, (usually it’s in August) but you guys have asked for it early to help out with my Range and Fridge, which I appreciate, so this is me doing that.  The donation button looks like what I copied here on the left.  It is located on the top right column of the web page and goes through PayPal.  If you’d like to donate in some other manner, you can write to me at impishdragon@gmail.com and I will send you my snail mail address.  For obvious reasons I don’t wish to publish that here.  Every little bit helps. 

I would like to humbly thank the following for their very generous donations:

Mark M.     Donald G.     Michael C.     Joseph P.

Now … back to the show!

This next one is by Grace Mary Fein … I don’t know Grace, but she wrote a great essay and I hope she doesn’t mind me reprinting it here.

A nation that has lost its collective mind!

 

Let’s see if I got this right.

 

� If a dude pretends to be a woman, you are required to pretend with him.

 

� Somehow it’s Un-American for the census to count how many Americans are in America.

 

� Russians influencing our elections are bad, but illegal Mexicans voting in our elections are good.

 

� It was cool for Joe Biden to “blackmail” the President of Ukraine, but it’s an impeachable offense if the President inquires about it.

 

� Twenty is too young to drink a beer, but eighteen is old enough to vote.

 

� People who have never owned slaves should pay slavery reparations to people who have never been slaves. This after 250,000 white union soldiers died to free the slaves and the subsequent freed slaves had already been given 40 acres and a mule to stimulate their life of freedom.

 

� Inflammatory rhetoric is outrageous, but harassing conservative people in restaurants is virtuous.

 

� People who have never been to college should pay the debts of college students who took out huge loans for useless degrees.

 

� Immigrants with tuberculosis and polio are welcome, but you’d better be able to prove your dog is vaccinated.

 

� Irish doctors and German engineers who want to immigrate must go through a rigorous vetting process, but any illiterate Central-American gang-banger who jumps the southern fence is welcome.

 

� $5 billion for border security is too expensive, but $1.5 trillion for ‘free’ health care is not.

 

� If you cheat to get into college you go to prison, but if you cheat to get into the country you go to college for free.

 

� People who say there is no such thing as gender are demanding a female President.

 

� We see other countries going Socialist and collapsing, and it seems like a great plan to us.

 

� Some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, and other people are not held responsible for what they are doing right now.

 

� Criminals are catch-and-released to hurt more people, but stopping them is bad because it’s a violation of THEIR rights.

 

� Prisoners in prison should be released into the community to avoid Coronavirus, but citizens who want to go to work or patronize a business in the community should be jailed.

 

� And pointing out all this hypocrisy somehow makes us “racists”?!

 

Think that about covers it!!!

 

—

Grace Mary Fein

 

And we are expected to accept that all of this makes perfect sense.  As a dragon I’ve got a big mouth and gullet, but even I can’t swallow this load of bullshit.

 

 

Four out of five voices in my head think you’re an idiot.  The other one is deciding where to bury you.

Yes this pisses me off!

Deleting your Facebook is like running away from home.

You’re just doing it for attention and you’ll be back in an hour.

Sorry kids!  Times are hard!  For Halloween, I’m giving out ketchup and taco sauce packets!  Would you like hot or mild?

I went out to this restaurant not long ago and met the waitress of my dreams.
About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, “Ma’am, this potato is bad.”
She nodded, picked up the potato, and smacked it. Then she put it back on my plate and said, “Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know.”

My shrink just killed himself and blamed me in the note.

When a cop asks you, “Do you know why I pulled you over?”  It is never a good idea to respond, “Because my tires look like donuts?”

I don’t let my age define me, but the side effects are getting harder to ignore.

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices.

He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.

Let us end today’s ezine with a non-quote from Thomas Jefferson, “Beer, if drunk in moderation, softens the temper, cheers the spirit, and promotes health.”  This has often been quoted as Thomas Jefferson and occasionally Benjamin Franklin.  Actually, neither gentleman can be found to have actually said those words.  Kinda like Captain Kirk never actually said, “Beam me up, Scotty.”  But it’s a nice attribution and a great thought.  And a wonderful adage to end today’s issue with.

Thank you all for your wonderful comments and your donations.  May they both continue aplenty to pay the bills and stroke my enormous ego.

Love to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

So many, many, many of you sent such wonderful Anniversary wishes I had to take a special moment to say thank you!  Thank you so very much.  Man, to feel the love from you guys was overwhelming!  Many of you have also expressed a desire … and have said that it is about that time of the year for donations to come around and that you would like to add a little bit extra for the Oven/Fridge fund which is kinda sorta true.  Donations usually start up in August and this is July so I guess that is kinda close and I suppose if you guys wanted to throw a little extra in to help with expenses it would go a long way to helping out.  The donation button though hasn’t moved and it still works.  It’s on the upper right hand corner of the page and all you have to do is click it and contribute what you like.  It goes through PayPal and they take their little percentage.  I have to pay the bills around here in September so whatever comes in above and beyond what it costs to keep this thing going will be deeply appreciated.

If you don’t wish to use PayPal and wish to send me something through snail mail, then send me an email at impishdragon@gmail.com and I can send you my regular old snail mail address.  For obvious reasons I can’t/won’t print it here.

But again, thank you so much for all the wonderful and loving Anniversary wishes.  I will share some of them with you throughout this issue…and for now, let’s share some laughter and some love.

Wife: I am not talking to you.

Husband:  Ok

Wife:  Don’t you want to know the reason?

Husband:  No, I respect and trust your decision.

Today was a bad day.

First, my ex got hit by a bus …

Then, I lost my job as a bus driver.

[throwing pebbles at my therapist’s window at 3 am] WHAT DID YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAID I LACK BOUNDARIES?

I just saw a Bail Bondsman commercial that said “We’ll have you out before the soap hits the shower floor.”

When I was a kid, my friend and I stole pets from around the neighborhood and returned them when the owners put up rewards.

And today you work for the mob?

It helps if you imagine auto correct as a tiny little elf in your phone who’s trying so hard to be helpful but is in fact quite drunk.

Coronacoaster:

 

Noun:  The ups and downs of pandemic.  One day you’re loving your bubble, doing workouts, baking banana bread

and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin from the bottle for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like!

I may not have lost all my marbles just yet.  But there is definitely a small in the bag somewhere.

Fuck nudes.  Send me a picture of your medicine cabinet.  I need to know what kind of psycho I’m dealing with.

I’d like to offer moral support but I have questionable morals.

My lesbian neighbors asked me to help them conceive a child recently.  They said, they don’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned” way as they are pretty easy going.  For 3 months now, we have been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.

My curfew was lightning bugs and street lights coming on.  My parents didn’t call my cell phone, they yelled my name.  I played outside, not online.  If I didn’t eat what mom cooked, I didn’t eat.

My Parents SPANKED Me As A Child

As a result, I now suffer from a psychological condition known as “Respect For Others”

 

Okay, let’s do some of these

Dale

Happy 25th Anniversary!!!

Maggie

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to Impish and Mrs Dragon
I hope you both have a MARVELOUS DAY!!!!!
Maggie

Joe

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!

Leah D.

I wanted to send you a gift of silver to celebrate a quarter year of marriage . . .
Silver is the material linked with the 25th year of marriage because it is a precious, durable metal, representing the precious and long lasting nature of the couple’s relationship. It is also beautiful, just like an enduring relationship. Silver is also said to represent harmony – something that a couple which have been married for so long but have cultivated!
But quarters aren’t made of silver anymore.

I thought of flowers . . .
25th Anniversary: Iris
Believed to embody the spirit, love, and aura of Paris, the iris wonderfully honors your quarter of a century together. Standing tall and vibrant, the iris represents the strength and futility of your relationship.
But my Iris have already gone through the bloom stage.

So guess I ‘ll just have to wish:
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY YOU TWO!

Sasquatch

Congratulations on finding such an understanding woman. 25 years? Wow. Anywho, I was looking around the woods for an appropriate gift when it struck me that it’s almost donation time of year. 25th anniversary is supposed to be silver but stainless steel will have to do. If you put the information out, I’d like to contribute to another year/ new appliances.  Thanks Sasquatch … like I said at the beginning, the donation button is at the top right section of the blog.  It says, “Donate to keep us free”.  You should be able to find it.

Larry S

Happy Anniversary.! Keep it up. Your almost half way to our 52nd.  Wow!  52 years!  Now that’s something to be proud of!  Congratulations.   Did you guys get married in kindergarten?

Stephanie

So sad that you were not able to make it to Ireland. That is our dream trip. Planning, loosely, on a family trip in about 3 years. We have to go to castle Caldwell in northern Ireland. It’s about 3 km from Belek where the clay for fine porcelain comes from. I’d love to go back a few years and visit in days gone by. Tis a marvelous dream.
Happy Anniversary. Don’t overheat the cave tonight.  We will get there.  No worries.  And as far as overheating goes… that’s what central air is for. [wink!]

boopluver

Happy anniversary

Pat C

Congrats may you have many more healthy and happy ones.

Thank you all for your wonderful wishes.  You have no idea how much it means.  Truly. 

But, I do have to tell a story on myself.  Mrs. Dragon posted something on her Facebook page about it being our anniversary and I responded and said how happy I was and that “You are my best friend.”  Well, at least that’s what I thought I said.  What actually came out was that “You ate my best friend.”  Needless to say that got a lot of laughs from her friends…none of which know of her secret life of being married to a dragon.  So, it was even more of a funny private joke between us.

Great fun!

According to Aussie Peter … this is the next Uniquely Australian Problem …

I don’t know how true it is, but regardless, all I can say is …

Better them than us!

Okay, this next one says “Author Unknown” but I’m going to bet that it could have been written by an awful lot of us and it expresses a lot of our feelings and opinions:

I never cared if you were “gay” or whatever acronym you chose to call yourself, until you started shoving it down my throat.

I never cared what color you were, if you were a good human, until you started blaming me for your problems.

I never cared about your political affiliation until you started to condemn me for mine.

I never cared where you were from in this great Republic until you began condemning people based on where they were born and the history that makes them who they are.

I have never cared if you were well off or poor because I’ve been both.  Until you started calling me names for working hard and bettering myself.

I’ve never cared if your beliefs are different than mine.  Until you said my beliefs are wrong.

Now.  I care.  I’ve given all the tolerance I have to give.  This is no longer my problem.  It’s your problem.  You can still fix it.  It’s not too late.  But it will be.  Soon.

I’m a very patient person at times.  But I’m about out of patience.  There are literally Millions of people just like me.

We have had enough.

Well said, Author Unknown, well said. 

Random Lady at Store:  “You’re supposed to be wearing a mask.”

Me:  “I’m supposed to be wearing underwear too, yet here we are.”

Speaking of wearing masks, as of yesterday evening, it was announced that Walmart nationwide, Sam’s Club, and now Kroger (not sure if all of you guys have Kroger) will all require the wearing of masks to enter their stores.  (Good Luck with getting Walmart people wearing masks, you can’t even get them all to wear pants!) Whether the county or state requires it or not, the stores can still require it because the stores are private property.  The only alternative you have is to not patronize their stores.

My wife said she wants to … you know … experiment more in the bedroom … but it looks like I’m in the control group.

On Sunday I stuck my hand into a feather pillow and had a rummage around.  I did the same on Monday and Tuesday.

This morning I went to psychotherapist and told him I’ve been feeling down for a few days.

I know several jokes in sign language.  I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

We shut the flame off and blow.  How do you blow out candles?

I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

And that’s for today, dear friends.  Remember, you can reach me at impishdragon@gmail.com or by leaving a comment on the blog.  You know I love to hear from you.  Until tomorrow…or the next time I can get one of these put together.  LOL!

Good Morning,

Today is our 25th Wedding Anniversary.  I’ve been married to my best friend for one-quarter of a century.  Isn’t that the coolest thing ever!  I love you my Mary~Mae and I want everyone to know it.

Remember the panic when you couldn’t find toilet paper?

Wait until you can’t find a Police Officer …

I said to myself, “Self.” (and I knew it was me, cause I recognized my voice, and I was wearing my underwear) “Today is going to be a good day!”

Paranoia has reached absurd stages …

I sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus started a scan on its own.

If we all start wearing masks that say, “Trump 2020,” how long before experts say we no longer need to wear them?

The deadliest virus in the United States is the Media.

Are we the only country dumb enough to start another Civil War because we are offended by the first one?

Our country will be a better place, when everyone realizes there are only two kinds of people in it.  Good people and bad people.

Ethnicity doesn’t matter.

I don’t want to adult today.  I don’t even want to human today.  Today, I want to Goat.  Gonna eat all day and head-butt anyone who tries to stop me.

Funny how the same people who say that George Floyd’s past shouldn’t be held against him, are the very same ones holding this country’s past against people who weren’t even there.

It’s called the NATIONAL Anthem, not the RACE anthem.  It has nothing to do with color.  It’s about being an AMERICAN.

Just because you toppled a statue doesn’t mean you changed history.  It just shows how ignorant you are.

In 1996, when Bill Clinton visited Mt. Rushmore during his re-election campaign, ABC news called it a place where American ingenuity and American creativity came together and formed an amazing American accomplishment..

In 2008, when Barack Obama campaigned there, CNN called Mt Rushmore a majestic site and every president should visit..

In 2016, Bernie Sanders campaigned there and said he was humbled to be in the presence of 4 of the greatest American presidents.. CNN described the scene as awe-inspiring…

2020…Trump visits…CNN called it a celebration of white supremacy and Trump will stand before two former slave owners on land wrestled away from Native Americans…

If you think the media isn’t agenda-driven, you have your head in the sand…”

Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously.  I’m just an idiot with internet access.

Got an email from Donnie G…

One of the first things I learned in Boy Scouts’ First Aid training was “All Bleeding Stops Eventually.”
I just did a slug of coffee while praying that your stress level drops back down to “OMG What Next?”.  P’rhaps I’ll have a shot of Maple Whiskey later, too.

Well Donnie, it has been almost 72 hours without something new popping up.  And for the last two weeks, that’s a record, so maybe I’m past the crappy stuff for now.  I’ve taken this week off work.  Our 25th wedding anniversary has gone from going to Ireland (that one got dashed with COVID-19 and we really couldn’t afford it this year), going to go somewhere special for a week, all the way down to buying an oven and a fridge. 

Sigh.

Mrs. Dragon told me yesterday … Live, Laugh, Laugh, Laugh, Laugh, Laugh, Love.  And she has the right recipe.  If you can’t keep laughing at what’s going on, then it gets really old and really hard really quick.

That moment when you have something really important to say, but you’re waiting for the person who is talking to stop talking, but when they do, you forget what you were going to say.

A Man Can Get Bored In Alaska This Time Of the Year

With the Covid-19 outbreak holding bozo activity down a bit, Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow comes to the rescue with the story of a bozo that had apparently had enough of social distancing. Our bozo took a two by four and broke a window at the King Salmon, Alaska, fire department. Now, King Salmon is a small town and there was no one at the station at the time, so our bozo rummaged around until he found the keys to the fire truck. He didn’t even bother to open the station’s closed bay doors before he drove through. He then switched on the trucks emergency lights and headed west toward Naknek, about 15 miles away. And what was his destination? The Fisherman’s Bar. He was arrested shortly after arrival. He’s under arrest on charges of burglary, vehicle theft, criminal mischief and violating conditions of release on a previous arrest.

You wanna see some social distancing?!

Lend them some money.

That’s going to have to do for today my dear friends.  I hope you all have a wonderful day.  Love and laughter to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Or … at least I hope it’s a good morning somewhere out there!  Okay.  Let’s talk about it I guess.  The lightning strike that just keeps on giving. 

What a screwed up week.

Okay, picking up where I left off on Friday.  I taught some tough classes on Thursday and Friday so I was very sore, slept poorly Friday night.  Mrs. Dragon, with her medical issues is just a likely to be up in the middle of the night as she is to be asleep so it just so happens that we were both up and in the living room at about 4 am Saturday morning.  I was trying to doze … get another hour or so’s sleep in the easy chair before I had to get ready for work.  Mrs. Dragon was quietly watching one of her murdery shows. 

So, at about 4:30 there’s a knock at the door!  That’s 4:30 in the morning!  I looked at Mrs. Dragon, she looked at me, the dogs didn’t even bark they were so surprised, they just looked at us like, “are you expecting someone at this ridiculous hour of the morning?”

Like any self-respecting and honorable dragon, I grabbed my gun and looked out the front door window. 

There are two police officers standing there.

Like any self-preserving and healthy dragon, I put the gun down on the couch before answering the door.

Impish Dragon: Hi guys, what’s up?

Police Officer A: Is there a woman here? (Police Officer B is on the phone)

Impish Dragon: My wife … (indicates woman sitting on the couch) Our daughter … who’s upstairs asleep.

Police Officer A:  We need to speak with your daughter, she’s on the phone with us on 911.

Impish Dragon: (!?)

Mrs. Dragon: (!?) (Mrs. Dragon goes upstairs to get Izzy Dragon) (Mrs. Dragon wakes Izzy dragon from a sound sleep.  A SOUND sleep.  Brings her downstairs to show the police officers)

Police Officer A: (Glances at gun laying on couch)

Impish Dragon:  I brought it with me to the door when I heard the knock.  You know … 4:30 in the morning …

Police Officer A:  Good choice.

At this point both Police Officers see that it’s not Izzy they have on the phone and Police Officer B has his first speaking part.

Police Officer B: She’s across the street

Police Officer A: I’m sorry folks, the woman on the phone gave us the wrong address.  She’s actually across the street.

Impish Dragon:  I understand completely.  The ones across the street are “frequent flyers” as you well know. (As the Officers are walking out the door)  Be safe.

And that put the perfect start to a crappy day.

So, I go to work, teach class.  As soon as I get done with the first class, Mrs. Dragon calls me to tell me that she thinks the freezer on the fridge was affected by the lightning strike the other day because everything is cold … just not cold enough.  And long story even longer, when I get home…yup.  It’s fried too. 

So, oven and freezer so now Anniversary money and savings shot to hell.  But at least it won’t be as long getting the new fridge … it will only be three weeks instead of five.

Aussie Peter can probably hear me screaming from all the way down there.

Awww fuck me, we need to laugh!!!!!

Bozo criminals for today come from Corvallis, Oregon where two bozo drug dealers checked into a Motel 6. When they checked out, they left behind their stash of drugs, their pagers and a client list. When a maid found their stuff, management called police. Meanwhile, the bozos discovered they had left a little something behind and called to ask about recovering it. When the bozos arrived and identified the goods, they were arrested by police.

Yup, bright boys!

I’ve seen that owl.

For years, my nephew refused to wear socks because they were puppet bodies.

And the surprising part is that I actually followed that conversation.

“I overheard my 5-year-old arguing with my 7-year-old over how babies were made.  My 5-year-old then said, ‘YouTube is a liar! God gives you babies.  It’s not a bunch of worms eating a bouncy ball!’”

I asked my five year-old sister what she wanted for her birthday and she responded, “Two bottles of milk and a dead owl!”

My kids were begging for a pet.  I told them if thy could keep their rooms clean for six months, they could get one.  My youngest proceeded to clean his room, move clothes and a sleeping bog into the hallway, then lock his door so his room couldn’t get dirty as he slept in the hallway.

My class was working on a craft project involving sandwich bags, and one of my kids loudly announced that they have those at home, too.  His mom “puts her weed in there!”

Apart from being exhausted, financially unstable, nearing a mental breakdown, and being fat, everything is great. Thanks.

I could lay next to you forever.

Or until we decide to go eat.

Have you ever had one of those days when you’re holding a stick … and everyone looks like a piñata?

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too… especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire the most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.” Guess where I am now…

Here’s a simple and easy everyday COVID check:

At 7 p.m. open the Jameson Fine Irish Whiskey bottle and smell it.  If you can smell, you are not affected with COVID-19.

Then, pour a medicinal amount (6 to 8 oz. is the recommended dosage) in a glass and taste the Jameson Fine Irish Whiskey.   If you can feel and tasted the fine Irish Whiskey, you are definitely not affected with COVID-19.

You’re Welcome ~ Dr. Jameson

If you want my opinion, I think people should keep their opinions to themselves.

This is perfect … and one of the best written letters on the subject I have read:

The Washington Foreskins
I think all sports fans and most everybody else will get a kick out of
this letter written to the Chicago Tribune. No matter which side you are
on in the matter of renaming the Washington Redskins, this is funny. This
guy is hilarious…
This is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an
article he published concerning a name change for the Washington
Redskins.
Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly
jilted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins.  One might
argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans
would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay.  We must be careful not
to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and
courtesy, we must move forward.
Let’s ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland
Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name
Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland
Browns.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of
militant Blacks from the 60’s alive. Gone. It’s offensive to us white
folk.  The New York Yankees offend the Southern population.  Do you see
a team named for the Confederacy?  No!  There is no room for any
reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men’s
lives.  I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic
religion among our sports team names.  Totally inappropriate to have the
New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.
Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and
pillaged.  We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the
Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to
our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or
even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.  The New York
Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood
epidemic. Wrong message to our children.  The Cincinnati Reds promote
downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.  The Milwaukee
Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.
So, there you go.  We need to support any legislation that comes out to
rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become
involved with this issue, as they should.  Just the kind of thing the
do-nothing Congress loves.
As die-hard Oregon State fans, my wife and I, with all of this in mind,
suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon
State women’s athletic teams to something other than “the Beavers
(especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the
Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???)
I always love your articles and I generally agree with them.  As for the
Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the “Foreskins” to
better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in
Washington DC.

I don’t have a Facebook or Twitter account, so I just go around announcing out loud what I’m doing at random times.

I’ve got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops.

6:30 is the best time on a clock.

Hands down.

Splenda Daddy:  A man who strives to be a Sugar Daddy but just doesn’t have the funds to pull it off.

And that’s it for today.  I’ll fill you in with (hopefully) more good news tomorrow.  Cheers my dear friends.  Impish