Dragon Laffs #1715–Day 32


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Saturday2

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Good Morning Campers,

It is Friday for me, even though you guys are reading this on Saturday and it is the end of a LONG week.  I don’t think I have ever needed a weekend more in my entire life than I do this one.  But, I can’t help but think that they aren’t really gonna leave me alone this weekend, no matter how much I try to ignore my phone or my email. 
Man, it sure is a good thing that I love my job.
At least that’s what I keep telling myself!  LOL!
But, hey!  How is everyone doing out there?
Write to me and let me know how you are getting by…let me know some of the things you are doing to pass the time…show us some pictures of what it’s like where you are.

impishdragon@gmail.com

Now, let’s start this weekend out with some laughs and then just laugh some more and maybe we’ll even tell some stories or something and throw in a few laughs.

sign laff

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For the second part of this quarantine, do we have to stay with the same family or can we be relocated?

Asking for a friend!

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Oh man, that’s gonna leave a mark…

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What if this quarantine is just the aliens fattening us up before the big harvest?

 

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I’ve decided…today I’m going to give it my some!

I’ve got to stop quarantine drinking…I thought these were baby dinosaurs

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I haven’t been drinking at all, and that’s exactly what I thought they were, too!

I just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.  I asked him what he was doing?  He said, “Working from h0me.”

401

The Powerball is up to an 18 pack of Charmin.

Okay, so aren’t the toilet paper jokes getting a little old?  I haven’t had any trouble finding toilet paper for several weeks now.  Anyone out there still having a shortage?  In fact, I haven’t noticed a shortage of ANYTHING on the shelves lately, except hand sanitizer.  The stores STILL haven’t gotten that back in.  The one thing that I had been having trouble finding, distilled water, is back on the shelves now and it’s not been out again.  Now mind you, the local store is still rationing water.  You are limited to 3.  That is 3 gallons or 3 cases or any combination thereof.  So, I normally get a case of drinking water and two gallons of distilled water and that lasts us.

What is it that you guys can’t find?

Oh yeah!  I couldn’t find Cream of Chicken Soup…odd as that sounds.  I’ll have to check and see if that’s back on the shelf the next time I go in.

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SpamHormel made their first batch of SPAM in 1937.  The company has just announced that due to hoarding by consumers, they are going to make a second batch.rimshot

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And just like that…
Having a mask, rubber gloves, duct tape, plastic sheeting, and rope in your trunk is okay.

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That’s actually really cute….what the hell am I saying!!!  I really gotta get out more!

ce24fda4a2b37127-vector-game-characters-sprites-bundle-cartoon-flying-and-carsThe Police want you to know that running from them is NOT social distancing.

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Oh dear Lord!  Now what the hell is wrong with crows!

No hair salons, nail salons, or tanning beds…some of you guys are about to meet your girlfriends for the very first time!!!

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Isn’t that sweet…did you guys hear about that?  Fat little Korean kid has had a heart attack or he had heart surgery…seems he’s fat and he smokes.  Hell, I’m fat and I smoke…mind you I smoke cigars … occasionally, he probably smokes like cheap Korean brand camels unfiltered non-stop … and I have the heart of a 19 year-old!  (It’s sitting right over there in that jar) no seriously, that’s what the doctor said.  Fat little Korean kid is 36!  It’s karma!  You can’t feed your relatives to dogs or shoot them with artillery rounds and expect God to be happy with you.  The real problem is that his sister is his second in command and she’s supposed to be worse than he is. 
You can bitch about our system all you want, but it beats the hell out of THAT!  Why the hell their own people haven’t revolted by now is beyond me.
But it is nice that he wants to donate all his pantsuits to Hillary.  They wear the same size.

407

Our mythological buddy Sasquatch sent this very timely essay.  It’s liable to be helpful to some of you, familiar to most of you, but worth reading for all of us…

The True Meaning of Stress

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience; with a raised glass of water, and everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, ‘half empty or half full?’….. she fooled them all…. “How heavy is this glass of water?”, she inquired with a smile..

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it.

If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance. In each case it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.” She continued, “and that’s the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won’t be able to carry on.”

“As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden – holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don’t carry them through the evening and into the night… pick them up tomorrow.

Whatever burdens you’re carrying now, let them down for a moment. Relax, pick them up later after you’ve rested. Life is short. Enjoy it and the now ‘supposed’ stress that you’ve conquered!”

1 * Accept the fact that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully… It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker..

5 * If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it..

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can’t push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live..

15 * You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.

20 * It was I, your friend!

*Save the earth….. It’s the only planet with chocolate!

Definitely worthy words to read. 

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Speaking of toilet paper jokes and having plenty.

I found out that saying, “There, there little girl” to a pissed off grown man only makes things worse.

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Finally!!!!! Someone is finally willing to willing to pay us the respect we are due!!!  Lethal Leprechaun would be so proud.  I got this email today.

Hello ,

We have gone through your country’s investment profile and history and we are interested to invest with you, we will be willing to collaborate with you and invest a substantial amount of money in your business or we can partner with you to set up a new one on shares equability.

Our group is a major player in diversified investments in the middle-east, Africa, Europe, we believe in pursuing a positive goal, in which your ideas can be enhanced potentially for our mutual benefits.

As we seek new frontier and opportunities, we look forward to work together.

Best regards,

Mr. Dennis Clark

Finally, our mythical land has been recognized as its own country by somebody!!!!!  What a proud day!  I can’t wait to get a hold of Mr. Dennis Clark and let him know just how interested we are in taking his money!!!  Should I be concerned that I found the email in my Junk Email folder?

Nah!!!!!

411

She may not realize it, but the mattress cover that she took out of that zippered bag that she’s wearing over her head was probably made in China…just sayin’.

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I always wondered what happened to the Unknown Comic…and yes, that’s another one of those references that you younger folks are probably gonna have to Google to get.

413

I like the shrouded cart…but doesn’t that just carry everything back home with her?

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This one is multipurpose…

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And this one was just too damn cute not to share!  Although, I’d worry about a limited air supply…

And the

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Award goes to…

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They vote…they have driver’s licenses…they are out there.

Motivational5

exercise

exorcism

Expendability

Experts

Explaination

Explanation

Explosives

Extreme hobbies

Extreme Tank Sports

Exuberance

F the systsem

Fabulous

Face Finder

Face it

face palm

And appropriate for 2020

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Got a message from our mythical buddy Sasquatch…

Sasquatch

Another excellent posting. I’m not sure about Yeti, that’s a different branch of the family. Every time people hear yeti these days they think of coolers and want to put a case of beer in me. Ya know, as long as they don’t want it back I guess I don’t mind. Stay safe and keep laughing.

Yeah, okay.  I take your point.  Sasquatch it is.  Although, you can’t argue with the free suds.

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Dragon Rant2

Okay, it’s really simple… when you pick up a product in the store, turn it over and look at the bar code.  If the first three numbers are 690-699 it’s made in China.  Put it back down and find something else.  Literally, anything else.  They want to withhold medicine from us, they want to NOT tell us about a killer virus while they negotiate a trade deal and write a clause into the deal KNOWING the virus was coming.  Now they are telling us that they will withhold the medicine that we need because we are calling them out on it.  So FUCK them.  My family is not and will not EVER again buy ANYTHING made in China.  I don’t care what it is, we will do without. 

I know I won’t be able to do that 100% because there are some things I don’t have control over, but there are a lot of things I do have, and for those that I do…I’m going to do my damnedest to buy American…which, by the way is 000 thru 139 (basically).  Other countries are ok.  Canada falls in the same number realm as the United States and also 754 to 755.  Our buddy Peter from Deception Bay in Australia is 930-939.

But nothing that is 690-699.  NOTHING!

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I wonder what he did to get in trouble?

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When my son failed a math test before March 10, 2020: “Did you not study?  Are you not paying attention in class?  Do you need a tutor?”

When my son fails a math test today: “Well, buddy, we did our best.”

421

Animal Fun Fact: Giraffes can grow up to 14 feet.  However most just have 4.

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A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree.  Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait!  I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack grinned and said, “And you will dialogue.”

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I worry about how much of this teaching is going on.

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

It’s all about raisin awareness.

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424

Two rival archeologists were excavating a lost temple of Norse Gods in Iceland.

In the middle of the dig was a golden statue of the god of Thunder with two huge rubies for eyes.

They each claimed the find as their own and this sparked a physical confrontation.  They punched and kicked each other until they both fell down exhausted. 

Their assistants just looked at each other , shrugged, and one said …

“Well that was a fight for Thor eyes.”

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Hey!  You can blame all of these on Stephanie!  Not me!  Just sayin’…

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What do you call birds who stick together?

Vel-crows…

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And that’s it for today my fellow campers.  Thanks for joining in.  I hope to see you all here again tomorrow.  Love to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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4 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1715–Day 32

  1. Stephanie says:

    Don’t really notice much of a shortage. I suppose I’m fortunate to be able to find what I need. However after your ordeal trying to find cream of chicken soup, I looked last time we shopped and down south we didn’t have any either. I did find a real good substitute, cream of cauliflower. I’m serious, toss in a little flavoring and no one can tell the difference.

  2. Leah D says:

    My daughter bought her dad some fresh berries, which he likes to pour a little whipping cream on. No cream, she had to buy cool whip!
    I have needed Jet Blue or a comparable rinse aid for my dish washing. None! I’ve been looking for several weeks. I guess since people are at home, having to cook their own meals, there is a big rise in the need for dishwasher supplies?
    I have been looking for PainStop and Theraworxs. I can find them, but the prices are enormous for such small bottles!
    But we can live without those items. What I really NEED, is a miracle, so my brother can live.

  3. boopluver says:

    Hello from ohio…just wanted to let you know I went to the store no butter again…I mean yeah that expensive butter..but I am afraid to ask why would someone want all that butter…but this is Wal-Mart but down the street they have plenty…and wal mart finally has toilet paper and more than 4 rolls..but no hand sanitizer or rubbing alcohol ..if I could find aloe Vera and rubbing alcohol make my own…we still are in home schooling mode ..things are not reopening yet…and I really hope that I gradual…just think of all the stories you can tell your grandchildren…keep up the good work…it is nice to laugh and smile once in awhile…since Riley does not talk…I feel my conversations with her are wasted…but nice to hear a voice other than the ones in my head

  4. TOM HARLANDER says:

    I’ve been to the local Walmart twice recently, looking for Raid® specifically, but willing to accept anything else on the shelf. There were no cans, bottles, strips, anything. What, are people using insecticide to spray the Wuhan bug? Or is it also being hoarded, in case there’s a shortage? I”m in Wood River, Il.

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