Good Morning Campers,
It’s Monday…the beginning of a new week.  The start of another grind.  The wheel in the cage starts to spin yet again for another week. 

 

Three drunk guys entered a taxi.  The taxi driver knew they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off again.  The he said, “We have reached your destination.”  The first guy gave him money and the second guy said, “Thank you.”  The third guy slapped the driver. 
The driver was shocked thinking the third drunk knew what he did.  But then he asked “What was that for?”  The third guy replied, “Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!”

FOR SALE:

Muhammad Ali DVD collection
George Foreman grill
Both boxed

I went to Walmart … I’ve never been so rudely treated in my life … all I did was ask for toilet paper at the service desk … the woman behind the counter yelled at the top of her lungs, “OH MY GOD, NO!!”
I politely said, “There’s no need to make a scene.” and shuffled back to the bathroom with my pants around my ankles.

Do you keep your money in the bank or at home?

ME:
In my memories.

I’m tired of people complaining about $7 beers, $10 parking and $20 cover charge.  Don’t like the prices, stop coming to my house.

To the thief who took my anti-depressants – I hope you’re happy!

I went outside to check on my plants.  I felt something cold and wet on my arm.  I looked down and saw a mosquito using a wet wipe before it bit me.

To Be Old And Wise

You Must First Be

Young And Stupid

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.  The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

 

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, “Nothing.”

 

She then said, “That’s what you did yesterday!”

 

I replied, “I WASN’T DONE , SO I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF FINISHING RIGHT NOW.”

 

The reason I said “nothing” instead of saying “just thinking” is because she then would have asked, “About what?”  At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.      

 

Finally I pondered an age old question:  “Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?”  Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?      

 

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.  Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn’t really know, here is the reason for my conclusion  A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.”      

 

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”      

 

I rest my case.

 

Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.

 

 

I got an awesome email from James C…the CAT guy…

This       Not and he included three tasteless jokes.  I was going to spread them around the issues, but then I thought I’d just include the whole email as it came to me, since it required me to have to spend an additional half an hour cleaning coffee off my computer screen.  So, I figured if I laughed that hard, some of you guys probably would, too.

Now, I’ll warn you the tasteless jokes aren’t for everyone.  But, I know that James and I aren’t the only ones with the warped sense of humor.

Hey hey hey!

Good to see you are upright and responsive. I was going to say bright eyed and bushy tailed, but that is a different George.
You mentioned jumping off bridges, which reminded me of a joke.

A middle aged woman is poised on the ledge of a bridge, about to jump. A passing cab driver screeches to a halt, rolls his window down and says, “hey lady! If you are going to kill yourself, how bout having sex with me first?” She doesn’t even turn her head to look at him, but says, “fuck off you creep!” As he begins to roll up the window, he says to her, “no problem, I’ll just wait for you at the bottom!” She didn’t jump.

Some people like that one, lots don’t. I don’t write them, I just relay them.

Tasteless joke #2.   Two guys in a foxhole in Vietnam, 1972. Grunt #1 says to his mate, “I am going crazy, if I don’t find a piece of ass soon my nuts are gonna explode.” He climbs out of the foxhole and runs off into the jungle. 2 days later he comes running back and jumps into the hole, huffing and puffing. “Where the hell did you go?” Says #2. #1 says, “you are not going to believe this….I came across a Vietnamese chick and we been screwing for 2 days!” #2 says, “TWO days? Really?” “You bet”, says #1. “We have done every position in the book, and then some!” #2 says, “did you get a blowjob?” “No,” says #1, “I couldn’t find her head!”

Tasteless joke #3 (because bad things come in threes)
When Lorena Bobbit cut off her old mans wiener, she drove down the street and then threw it out the window, where it hits, and sticks to, the windshield of the car behind her. In it, is a man and his 5 year old daughter. He is initially horrified, but quickly turns on his wipers, which wipe it out of view. “What was THAT daddy?”, says the girl. He is thinking, what can I say? She’s only five! So he says, “it must have been a bug, or an insect of some kind”. She looks at him with wonder, “WOW! It sure had a big cock!”

On that note, I will issue my standard, but sincere, heartfelt wish for your continued good health and spirits, and for your family also. You are the catalyst responsible for a lot of peoples smiles, globally. That’s quite something. I know I have sure had some good, out loud, laughs, at something you have put online. The least I could do is try to return the favor. If you so desire, I will handpick a couple of my best and send them as often as you like.
With that, I tip my hat in your general direction good sir. Til next time, take care.

PS. A guy called me the other day, saying he had a Cat for me to fix. I asked him what year it was. He says, “do they go by year?” Ummmm…wrong number pal. I’m a mechanic, not a veterinarian. (A person could always use their Star Trek voice, “damnit Jim! I’m a mechanic, not a veterinarian!”
Talk to you later.
James.

Thanks for the email, James.  And thanks for making me laugh.

Leah D.

Every time I have to clean a stove, fridge, whatever, I KNOW it was designed by men.
Every time I have to deal with a pandemic, I get the same feeling.
Right off the bat, I could see the lack of pre-planning and organization, that’s a man thing.
The Great Toilet paper HUNT, complete with wrestling and knock down fights . . . do I need to say it?
I’m just guessing, but who decided ALL hospitals would be used to treat ‘Rona?
The same people who take over the entire house when the Super Bowl is on.
As if the every day to day routine with everything in it’s place, but ready to take care of any issues of bleeding heads and broken bones, heart attacks and having babies is put on hold, until after the game plays out.
If a woman had been in charge, they would have assigned one hospital in the big cities, to stay ‘Rona free.

Well Leah, I can’t, of course, speak for ALL men, but I can say that I, personally, didn’t have anything to do with planning for this pandemic, unless it was Air Force planning, and then, yes, I admit to some pre-planning in that regard.  The whole toilet paper thing…I got nothin’…I still haven’t figured out how difficulty breathing, fever, headaches, and a few other symptoms such as losing your sense of taste and smell translates into hoarding toilet paper.  But, I will say, in all honesty, I’ve seen more women fighting over toilet paper than men.

And as far as hospitals go…out here…we DID keep one of our two hospitals Corona free…so… I got nothing for you today.

Stephanie

Don’t really notice much of a shortage. I suppose I’m fortunate to be able to find what I need. However after your ordeal trying to find cream of chicken soup, I looked last time we shopped and down south we didn’t have any either. I did find a real good substitute, cream of cauliflower. I’m serious, toss in a little flavoring and no one can tell the difference.

Chicken or Cauliflower….hmmm…I don’t know…let’s see

I’m pretty sure I can tell the difference there…but just to be fair, let’s try it one more time, but a little different

Nope, nope…I got that that one, too. 

Ow!  Okay, so I deserved that one, cause I was, indeed picking on you, dear friend, but since I am a big fan of chicken and … not so much of the white broccoli, as my mom used to call it to try and get us to eat it (it didn’t work), I’m not sure what you’re suggesting would really work, but…in a pinch, I would give it a try.  It seems to me I read some where that you can use powdered cauliflower as breading for a more healthy fried chicken…or maybe I am mistaken.

Thanks for the letter, dear friend, and for allowing me to poke a little fun.

And yet another one the kids won’t get.

OH MY GOODNESS!!!! Now I am going to inherit 2.8 million dollars!!! It says so right here in this email!

INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUND (IMF) WASHINGTON D.C

DEPT: WORLD DEBT RECONCILIATION AGENCIES.

ADVISE: YOUR OUTSTANDING PAYMENT NOTIFICATION

A power of attorney was forwarded to our office this morning by two gentle men, one of them is an American national and he is MR DAVID DEANE by name while the other person is MR… JACK MORGAN by name a CANADIAN national.

This gentlemen claimed to be your representative, and this power of attorney stated that you are dead, they brought an account to replace your information in other to claim your fund of $2.8 Million Usd which is now lying DORMANT and UNCLAIMED, below is the new account they have submitted:

BANK.-HSBC CANADA

Vancouver, CANADA

ACCOUNT NO. 2984-0008-66

Be further informed that this power of attorney also stated that you suffered and died of throat cancer. You are therefore given 24hrs to confirm the truth in this information, If you are still alive, You are to contact us back immediately, Because we work 24 hrs just to ensure that we monitor all the activities going on in regards to the transfer of beneficiaries inheritance and contract payment.

You are to reply to this office immediately for clarifications on this matter as we shall be available 24 hrs to attend to you and give you the necessary guidelines on how to ensure that your payment is wired to you immediately.This measure is being taken to avoid making payment into wrong hands because the payment is ready to wired. We hope you will avail yourself the opportunity by complying with the above directive, so as to enable us release your fund as scheduled.

Just also be informed that any further delay from your side could be dangerous, as we would not be held responsible of wrong payment.Note importantly that, you might likely receive this message in your inbox, spam or junk folder which happens as a result of your web host, while I look forward hearing from your Swift reply regarding this update.

Mr Solomon Benard

Hot Line: +1 202-643-5828

Finance Department Director

International Monetary Funds Agents

Wow!  I have to get Mr. Solomon Benard on the phone RIGHT NOW!!!!  What’s that you say?  I should check it out, first?  But, I found it in my junk folder.  There’s no telling how long it’s been in there.  My 24 hours could be running out!  I have to hurry.  I could already be dead from throat cancer!

Okay, okay!  Let’s see…I’ll check out the International Monetary Fund in Washington, D.C. first…well, let’s see, it says right here that such a place actually exists…um…but that they have nothing to do with International transfers and that several scams have been perpertrated in their name…but that can’t be the case this time!  I know it isn’t!  So…so…let’s …I KNOW!  I’ll do a search for Mr. Solomon Benard’s phone number!  202-643-5828…

Well look!  There’s my EXACT email, right there… in the SCAM WARNING!  Why that son-of-a-bitch!  It says that the phone number belongs to an apparently defunct Polynesian entertainment company in the DC area.  Well, shit!

Okay, seriously dear campers.  I’m sure none of you thought I was being serious…and if you did, I have some ocean front property in Arizona to sell you.  Just be careful.  There are ALL kinds of shady stupid people out there who are trying like hell to take advantage of you and if a deal seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Yeah, so this went out a bit late, cause I got tied up dealing with alphabet people.  Sending it out right now.

Love to you all.

Cheers!